Incomprehensible.
Even when I was trying to be one, I never really did understand the "other guys". Is it really so important that yours is bigger, or better, or stronger, or whatever? I'm competitive, sure, but mostly against myself. I don't really care if I keep losing to a more skilled FPS player - if I can manage to snipe him even 1 more time than before, I feel good about it. If I can manage to stay alive even 1 second longer than last round, that's great success. If I fail, I laugh it off.
I also don't get the way they never can seem to think with anything located above their waist.
The guys at work already knew. They'd apparently been noticing my transformation and figured it out and, instead of coming to me to ask for confirmation, they go to my brother! And he tells them!
He came up to me while I was blowing some leaves off the parking lot into the grass so the mowers could chew them up for us when they came later. I turned off the blower, and we talked for a bit. He asks me if the boss has said anything to me, which she hasn't, and I tell him so, and then add, "so I guess everything's all right on the work front, at least for now, until things get too obvious and the guys start to notice... not sure how they'll react."
The goofball then informs me that he'd already told them about me YESTERDAY, BEFORE the pop incident! Does it occur to any of them to come to me first!? Of course not. And then letting me wallow in fear when they already knew... stupid numbnuts, the lotta em.
This brings me to a new problem. The guy who offered to buy me that dew yesterday, apparently his first reaction was "so is 'he' gay?" and when John tells him that "if anything 'she' is a lesbian, since she likes girls and feels she is a girl.", conveniently ignoring that I've already told him I'm bi... anyways, so when John tells him that, it's apparently "OK" and when I confronted this idiot today, he's all like, "so when're you getting it done." and "go to Europe, it'll be cheaper, and I'll go with you." and "just let me know when you get it done, I'll come get you..."
Also, all day at work he's driving that Plume of Death truck of his by me and revving the motor... Far more often than he used to.
I call it the Plume of Death because the exhaust from that thing smells horrible. Not the worst smelling truck exhaust I've ever smelled, but it's definitely up there. He prefers to call it the Smoking Gun.
Is this guy for real? Please tell me he's just messing with me.
It's really kind of disgusting that he'd act this way when I still have a beard and look like a gorilla. If a feminine one. Speaking of... I really can't do electrolysis yet (want to make sure I do it right), and I've always hated shaving - anyone know if sugaring a beard works? Already tried waxing it, that was a complete fail. And there're just way too many hairs for an epilator.
Well, at least they seem OK with it, the only people left at work now that I don't know if they know (with my track record, they probably do) are the office ladies aside from the boss.
My "hints" must be too strong. Funny how I've been dropping even stronger hints in Moms direction... Maybe Sunday won't be such a big reveal after all.
Oh, and you may have noticed the more cheerful note this entry has compared to this mornings, apparently, all it takes to cheer me up is one tiny bit of good news. Mood swings?
It seems I'm really really poor at keeping up the Andrew mask already,
Abigail Drew.
Comments
Dancing with the devil in the pale moon light.
I am not saying don't do it if you think you have to. I am not saying that you won't make a lovely lady. And I am not saying that the young people now days are not a whole lot smarter and more accepting than my generation.
What I am saying is that there are those who can hurt you and they will. They will think they are doing the right thing too. It will be all your fault to them. I have it on good authority, that they may let you stay a member in your church, but there will be no temple for you.
Think like hell on this. It may be the right thing for you, but it will come at a price, and you may not like what it is. I've been through this coming out thing with 4 other people now including myself and all of us thought that things would work out and most people will be fine with it. Well for me and so many others it's not!
Still, if it is what you have to do? Well then it is what you have to do.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
I know all of this...
There wouldn't have ever been endowment or anything for me anyways, I would've self-defeated it somehow. I know I now won't even be able to do baptisms for the dead, and when in the temple was the only other time in my life I haven't felt depressed... But I think it's too late to stop this now, I've had a taste of freedom and I don't think anything will convince me to rebuild the fortress.
Heh, I'm the opposite on thinking things will work out, I'm scared to death of just how wrong they can go. I think I can survive it and grow stronger than Andrew ever was, but I'm really not holding out much hope for things to go well with the family.
Well... I am, but, I'm not. I certainly HOPE things will go different than I EXPECT. While part of my mind is fabricating happy endings, another part is imagining a horror story. The part that does the most rational thinking is expecting the horror story while hoping for one of the happy endings.
Abigail Drew.
Abigail Drew.
probably time to drop it then
and go on to be the wonderful woman you are underneath the "gorilla" looks.
Dorothycolleen
Pretty much have at work...
But I need to try to keep it going a little longer at home, till Sunday night. And even then, I need to figure out how to proceed from here - financially, I'm a bit stuck.
Abigail Drew.
Gorillas in the Midst
I recall from a tg chatroom I used to frequent years ago (Donna's Den, The Pink Room, if I recall correctly) a perfectly lovely gorilla named Ellen. She had a very good dress sense for a gorilla.
Lisa
Hey Abigail!
Not sure about sugaring but i'm going to get one of those no no hair devices in the next few weeks... that may be the way to go... i'll let you know, ok?
I think you are going in the right direction love, and Gwen is right, the younger generation is a bit more savvy about gender then the older...
Be well hun.
Hugs, Diana
Good luck
with the family conference, I hope they support you in this.
Angharad
Angharad
Males
Ooh, don't I know that feeling!We had a staff meeting yesterday, where one of them decided he needed to talk. Exclusively; nobody else got a word in, till Julie tried and got "Excus me, I am talking here"
Some simples here: you clearly know who you are, and from what you describe of the way your colleagues react, so do they. That is one hell of a head start. Beard, gorilla---my genetics left me with a hairy BACK, FFS, so I could wax (sorry) lyrical on the joys of sliding fine needles into follicles.
Angharad's wishes for the family meeting are echoed by me, but remember one thing: this is something they WILL know, sooner or later, and it is far, far better to release yourself at a time and place, and in a manner, of your own choosing. Leave yourself an exit, though: do it somewhere that gives you the option of walking out and leaving them to talk. When I came out to my family, it was a slow process. I told my brother first, who was absolutely unsurprised, but the same day I heard my mother rant about a trans story in the press, so I shelved it for a few months. Time and place, love, time and place.
Hey, there is an elephant in the room!
Or should I say a gorilla?
As much as I have tried to disguise my true nature, most people can see through my veneer over a period of time. Men and women alike who I have worked alongside on friendly terms gradually changed their attitude as they realized I was a bit different from the "norm." Few remained friendly. Some became patronizing while most work colleagues could only offer snide remarks.
In my experience men and women tend to have similar attitudes towards my "condition." Hence the reason I am coerced out of a regular employment and drift from job to job.
Our "predicament" is the last taboo of society. They are coming to terms with homosexuality but their gender is their core self and anyone who claims to be the opposite leaves them feeling insecure.Thankfully a new generation are more aware and open to diversity so I see hope for those younger like minded people in the future.
I wish you well on your journey of self discovery :)
I have my happy ending.
It'll soon be 7 years (Dec 23) and while my life actually did go down a black hole, I have new friends and live a very happy life. It is however NOTHING like my old one. I live with Muggles that really seem to understand, are loving, and kind to me. I volunteer a lot and those around me know that I am kind and gentle and caring and giving. And thank God that volitile temper I used to have is gone. Now if I get mad, I cry a little and most people will not push one past tears. I don't have to listen to insecure males brag about themselves and their Ford trucks, their big hunting rifles, or lie about that giant fish they caught. Instead, I just go into the kitchen and cook or clean, or go to my room and write another wopper. :)
Of my old life, nothing is left. There is no blood family, and my new church leadership is still wringing their hands about accepting me. For now they have been very nice. I woke up this morning realising that I don't care about temple priveliges, and if they restrict me, then that WILL affect my tithe. I've decided I'll give as good as I get. Then there is a little known statistic about young males that they'll need to give me their rationalisation on.
My son finally did have breakfast with me but has since been distant. Hmmm he has his own walk in life to figure out.
Above all, do not give up on God. Do not give up on life. Devoutness can lead you to feelings of worthlessness and guilt if you let it. I feel sad, but if pushed I have decided that I can be good with a higher power whose followers can sometimes act quite shamefully. And if pushed I don't need to go to meetings on sunday, or pay them money.
As far as the finances go, well we all have that problem to one extent or another. Oh darn, I'll never own another big boat or giant RV. And, I'll nver have to buy gas or pay mooring fees for one either. So, upon much reflection, the most devastating of losses can actually be gains.
Much peace
Gwendolyn