(Another title which is a line from Fiction, the song has especial meaning to me right now, which I think you can imagine why: http://www.kovideo.net/fiction-lyrics-yuki-kajiura-810763.html)
So I talked to the other fish yesterday. Remember, my sister just older than I and myself were called Fish in high school? Because of the massive amounts of water we'd both drink.
Anyways, I'm not sure why I did it, in retrospect I probably should have waited until after the family meeting and just hoped if things went south no one beat me to it.
She says she's not rejecting me, but all the same, she insists I've let Satan get to me. Why on earth would anyone ever WANT to come to the conclusion that they're transgender? It's a scary situation to be in, and a painful one. Satan doesn't tempt us with things that aren't "quick fixes", or appear to be "complete nirvana". Being transgender is anything but.
I know she loves me, but I have a feeling that to her, I will never be other than her brother. A brother who never really was. The question will be only, can she accept me enough to be around me?
Needless to say, I was feeling rather under the weather yesterday, and I guess everyone at work noticed, because one of the guys offered to pick me up something at the gas station. I said "only if you're buying!" trying to make myself seem more cheerful than I was feeling. He wasn't buying the show, though, and said, "yeah, I'll buy." In a way that made it obvious he knew better than the show I was trying to put on.
He asked what to get, and I hesitated a moment, and then said to get me a dew. Apparently, I no longer like mountain dew. I took one sip of it when he gave it to me and I had to move off so they couldn't see the screwed up face I made.
My body was instantly crying out stop! Poison! This is very strange to me, because Mountain Dew has always been one of my favorite soft drinks.
To be honest, I'm still feeling a bit blue, and probably will be until Sunday when the curtain rises. Even then, I suppose it depends on the reaction I get to my story whether the clouds burn off with the rising of the curtain, or if things get worse.
Interestingly, I seem to be at absolutely no risk of actual depression. When I get depressed, I shut down, I don't talk, barely eat, and do a whole lot of sleeping. While I'm feeling a little lethargic, I'm eating normally, well, my new normally, and I am talking about it. Either Abigail copes with depression a whole lot better than Andrew ever did, or I'm not really depressed, even now.
Comments
Familiar
It is all so hard, exactly as you say. At work, I find it amusing when people talk about some small problem, then look at me and clearly revise their ideas of severity. I have huge problems, in one way, and as you say would never have chosen to be born the way I was. However, there is an 'up' to things in that I can't envisage not being Me, if you see what I mean. To have had a different life would have meant a different Me, and that is not something I would like. At times, I almost like Me: I do nice things, occasionally, and I am long past the suicidal horrors of my youthful despair.
I repeat the severity-test myself, every now and again, when I see someone who is REALLY afflicted. I was dealing with a paranoid schizophrenic a few days ago, for example, and what I see at times like that is how lucky I am. I am alive, sane (well...technically not), working for an organisation with a very, very good trans policy, and reasonably healthy. Some oif my family accept me, some don't, but then several of them have different politics. Not that big a distinction!
I will put my cards on the table here as an atheist. This whole Satan thing drives me to distraction, and I want to shout "GROW UP!" at the idiots who trot it out. It's on a par with the islamic clerics who blamed the Boxing Day tsunami in the Indian Ocean on people not beating their wives enough, or a certain American politician who claimed that the hurricane which slapped New York was sent by her god because the US Govt was spending too much money...
You are the only person who knows who and what you really are, knows from the inside. Be the best you can, with due regard for others, but if their opinions are daft then worry only about the relationship, not their questionable sanity. Sorry if this sounds confused; I hope you get what I mean.
Hey Slice
I'm sorry to see the stuff about your sister. Often it seems those people who turn to religion as a crutch for not being able to deal with RL. I'm not knowing faith but my definition doesn't match up with theirs so...Honestly I'd love them to do cat-scans od really crazy people and really zealous people and see if the same areas light up.
Anyway...
You seem like a nice person, open to us, honest to yourself for doing all of this so I'm thinking that's where some of the coping comes from less internal stress?
I Hope things go well for you when the big reveal happens and everything at work too:)
*Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
been there with my brother
and my ex too. Hugs sweetie, and I think the fact you're coping better is a good sign as any that you needed to be Abigail.
Dorothycolleen
Nope, Satan hasn't tempted
Nope, Satan hasn't tempted you, as you say he's more into nifty temptations, not things that make life more difficult. A more appropriate reaction from your sister would be how this affects temple ordinances as you progress.
Yours,
JohnBobMead
Yours,
John Robert Mead
024) Wishing for better understanding.
People cope with turmoil n different ways, seems you have great coping skills.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
One Fish, Two Fish, Satan Fish, Blue Fish
Isn't that the title of a Dr Seuss book? No, maybe I got one word wrong. But it sounded like an appropriate title for this post.
I'm sorry your sister fish didn't take it well, Abigail. Yes, maybe you should have waited until the family gathering to tell her, although if you feel closer to her than other family members, maybe you wanted to "try it out" first on her. I dunno. I'm sorry her reaction wasn't good. I hope the "tempted by satan" reaction was just a kneejerk response and she gets better as the idea sinks in and she learns more about transgenderism, and the "real you"...
And I hope not too many of your other family members react that way. Having your bishop along should help a little, though.
As for the Mountain Dew reaction, no idea. Your body no longer liking it after your diet changes? Reaction to your self-medicating? Have you cut out all caffeine from your diet? Mountain Dew has a lot of caffeine (at least the American Dew does, twice as much as colas, I think... ours in Canada has little or none)... I dunno. I rarely drink it myself.
As for depression, I know it can affect me in different ways, sometimes even opposite ways, depending on severity and other factors. Usually it makes me eat more, but really strong depression makes me have no appetite. It can also make me sleep more and be lethargic during the day, or throw me into an insomnia bout.
I personally think you're right that Abigail copes with stress and depression better, though, which is why the symptoms are different.
So good luck, hon. I know you don't believe in luck and stuff. So maybe instead I should say, God bless you and stand with you in your time of need.
Lisa Danielle