Soldier of Missfortune 4 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

When he yawned, I had a brainwave. “It’s no good, I can’t do this without having a drink first.”

“D’you want me to order some more tea?” he asked looking disappointed.

“No, let’s have some red wine–that always gets me going–if you know what I mean,” I winked at him.

“Okay,” he sighed, and went down to the bar to get us one. Once he was back with the bottle and two glasses, I poured us each a glass and got him to drink it down quite quickly.

I made sure he had most of the bottle and at one point I began to assume he was one of those that alcohol wakes up–however, after some kissing and cuddling on the bed, he went off into quite a deep sleep. Deep enough for me to be able to open his trouser zip and after painting my hand with lipstick, rubbed it on his you know what.

I left him a note:

Dear Steve,
You are a veritable sperm fountain. I won’t need to eat any tea tonight.
See you tomorrow,
Sexy Lexi

He’d told me I was sexy Alex, which then became Lexi, which evolved or degenerated into Sexy Lexi; that was obviously before he passed out. I wasn’t sure if he’d know I hadn’t actually done anything except con him–hopefully, his ego would bypass his brain when he was bragging to his friends back in work or at home. Then after making sure I left nothing behind, I went downstairs and got them to call me a taxi.

I drew out some of the money from Alison’s account and stashed it safely–I was trying to keep my options open. I got back to the base and went to my room. I was so uncertain about all of this–and I desperately wanted to see my parents and explain I wasn’t going queer on them and that they soon have me back again, large as life and twice as ugly–well twice as ugly as I am now.

I showered to get rid of all the contamination I felt after being pawed and sucked and kissed. Okay, so I enjoyed someone playing with my tits, I wasn’t gay so I’d need to find a friendly lesbian for things to really work, but then she wouldn’t want me, would she? Bugger, what do trannies do for a bit of how’s yer father? I’d never thought of it until now–must be a bit sad if you’ve been taking hormones and nothing works any more. Having said that, when I played with myself in the shower–my boobs, that is, I nearly fell over–I had another of those slow burn orgasms which came from somewhere deep inside and well–everything went in slow motion for a second or two.

I found the uniform–a woman’s one and it fitted–essentially a shirt and trousers with boots, socks and jacket. I wore the boots for the rest of the evening–they reminded me of how things used to be–and felt rather heavy compared to my courts–they also rubbed the back of my heel–so I had to stick some tape on my leg for that.

I was nervous about seeing Steve the next day–in case he realised I’d lied to him–in lots of ways–but especially about his sexual prowess. If I stopped and thought about it, he was a total arsehole who deserved to catch something nasty, or get caught on the job by a rather large husband or boyfriend–he might feel less inclined to sow his wild oats after that. Still, although I know he was only trying to get into my knickers–he was the only one who’d said anything nice to me in weeks–so I did have a smidgeon of affection for him, well my tits did–they liked him rather a lot.

I managed to force down a breakfast–I was told it could be a long morning and to eat a proper breakfast. I couldn’t–the girdle thing I had to wear to support where they’d done the lipo–was okay as long as I didn’t eat too much. I forced down some scrambled eggs with a couple of rashers of bacon and a slice of toast. Some coffee completed my repast and I was back in my room half an hour later–sat on the loo–it went straight through me. If I’m like this with friendlies–well relatively so, how am I going to cope with hostiles?

When my bowels stopped doing the tango I reported to the briefing room, where we’d had the meeting the day before, Colonel Stone was already there with Steve.

“Sorry I’m late gentlemen, bit of tummy trouble.”

“Women’s problems, eh?” said Stone smirking.

“Um–yes sir, but I should be okay for the demo thing.”

“Okay, I’ll run through what you’ll be doing, while young Blonquist here waits in case you need assistance. Obviously in the field that won’t happen unless you’re working as a team–as far as I know, your next op Ms Montgomery is a solo.”

“So I understand, sir.” And he’s surprised that I want out, why couldn’t he have picked me for netball or something, at least I’d have had some support? The way I felt at present, the only support I got round here was from my bra.

We went off to the training range and I discovered that it was going to take place in a large building in which there were several rooms but no lights.

“Your orders, Private Montgomery, is get in there, use the Domino to find the system or systems neutralise it by reprogramming it to explode on take-off and get out as quickly as you can.”

“How long do I have, sir?”

“In real life–as long as it takes you to make a mistake or them to find you afterwards.” He smirked again, Steve looked aghast.

“Do I have a weapon, sir?”

“Unlikely unless you can steal one.”

Steve put his arm round me, “Good luck, Lexi,” he winked and shoved something warm and hard into my hand. I shoved it in my pocket before Stone could see it.

Stone told Steve to give me the Domino, and I took it and made my way nervously into the building. It was pitch dark and the first thing I did was walk smack into a wall–God, did that hurt my chest. I also dropped the Domino and it took me several moments to find it. It seemed to be working at any rate.

As my eyes grew accustomed to the dark, and I learned to put my hand out in front of me I began to find my way about. The Domino showed something up ahead, but I stopped and reprogrammed it–there were two systems to neutralise.

I had to go backwards to get to the second system–but as that one was displaying, that was the one I went after first. Apart from another obstacle, I fell over a chair I couldn’t see, I found the Delta system and sorted it.

I rubbed my bruised hip and discovered the thing Steve had given me–I pulled it out. It was a pen torch–and it worked. Being able to see what obstacles there were made it much easier and I found and fixed the second system very quickly.

It was only as I was coming back out that I saw the infra red cameras. Oh well, I’d get a bollocking but at this stage did I care? Did I hell?

I did think about fixing them but it wasn’t worth the effort and I was in enough trouble as it was.

Stone was not impressed, “Where did you get the torch from?”

“I always have one with me, sometimes need a light to see inside machines.”

“How come we didn’t see it when we scanned you–we picked up the coins in your pockets but no torch?”

“I tucked it in my boot, sir. Did you scan that far down?”

“I don’t think we did. Okay, mission accomplished and the Domino worked on two systems. I like the initiative, Montgomery–at least it proves you can think a little outside the box. Right let’s go back to the officer’s mess for lunch, if that’s okay with you, Ms Montgomery?”

“Will they let me in like this, sir?” I indicated the uniform.

“Yes, I’ve booked the table.”

After quite a nice meal, although I only ate the soup and roll, we said goodbye to Steve, who kissed me before he left. I went to give him back his torch but he told me to have it as a keepsake and present for the best blowjob he’d ever had. To say I blushed was an understatement–I’m surprised they didn’t have cameras for that as well.

Over the next week, they provided me with a best uniform–why I didn’t know; it was a skirt one with dark tights but I was able to wear my courts with it–I’d got quite used to walking in a two inch heel now and in fact had a pair of three inch courts in red.

Looking at myself wearing the dress uniform, I suddenly realised that it was the wrong one. It wasn’t a REME one. Just then Stone knocked and entered. “Good fit, eh, Montgomery?”

“Yes, sir, but it’s wrong–I’m in REME.”

“Not any more, you’ve been attached to the Royal Logistical Corps.”

“But that’s bomb disposal, sir?”

“Amongst other things, yes. We’ve also got you an acting corporal’s stripe, plus a pay rise–don’t put it in Alison Bright’s account unless you want to change your name officially.”

“No, sir, Alex Montgomery is fine for me.”

“Good. Right keep it tidy, you’re going to see your parents tomorrow.” With that he was gone.

By the time the shock had hit me, I was too late to ask any details. I went in search of the office and his secretary.

“You look smart, Alex,” she said smiling at me.

“Thanks, um–Colonel Stone said something about seeing my parents tomorrow?”

“Did he?” She shook her head and picked up his diary. “Oh yeah, car coming to pick you up about eight–so, early breakfast, girl.”

“I guess so, thanks.” I went back to my room and after hanging up my dress uniform, pulled on some sweat clothes and went over the gym for half an hour and almost wrecked myself on the machines. I didn’t have the muscle anymore and I felt like crying. How the hell was I going to explain myself to my parents?

Dad would be expecting the conquering hero and Mum, just her boy. Look at me, huge bloody knockers, tiny waist and fat arse, plus I’m blonde. Just as well I’ve got some waterproof mascara–‘cos it’s gona get some testing tomorrow.

I tossed and turned much of the night or that’s how it felt when my alarm went off. I crawled into the shower and washed myself and my hair–it was quite a bit longer and in need of touching up the roots. I dried it and pulled on the wig–I think I’ll ask them for extentions, they’ve got to be cooler than this bloody thing. I pinned it on and used some spirit gum to stick it down in the front. It looked very real, but was just rather warm.

I dressed in my best underwear–I’d bought some nice frillies from a boutique in the town, in a very light mushroom grey they called oyster. It was okay under the white shirt of the uniform. I’d sewn on my stripes the night before and felt quite pleased, even if they bring me back to the ground if I survived the mission they wanted me to do.

I went down to the canteen and ate some toast and that was difficult–the coffee, I needed to wake me up. “Ooh very posh,” said one of the women at the hatch of the canteen.

“Yeah, official duties.”

“You look really smart, Alex, not wearing any makeup then?”

“Oh shit, I forgot.” I dashed back to my room–it was ten to eight. I threw it on, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick, sprayed some perfume, pulled on my little gold bracelet and then my jacket. After picking up my regulation shoulder bag and checking I had my purse and lipstick in it, plus one of those small handbag size packs of tissue I was ready as I heard someone knocking on my door.

It was a young woman driver, “C’mon, Corp, don’t keep ’im waitin’.”

I followed her out to the front of the building and inside a large Ford, was sitting Colonel Stone. “In ya’get, Montgomery.”

“I thought I was doing this myself, sir?”

“Good lord, no, we’re a team, Montgomery, watch each other’s backs and so on.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being there, yet he was about the same age as my dad, so it might help, especially when he explains how much I’m sacrificing for the country.

My home was about an hour and a half’s drive from the base and it seemed to drag for the first hour, then it was going too quickly. The closer we got, the worse my stomach churned. I’d taken some anti-diarrhoea pills, but I wasn’t convinced they’d keep back the tide.

We stopped at the end of my road–the driver was really good, better at it than I am.

“Okay, here’s the plan–I go in and speak to them first–explain things, then I’ll come out and get you–okay, Montgomery?”

“Yes, sir.” Not that I had much choice. I felt like one of the Light Brigade in wossisame’s poem–oh yeah, Tennyson.

“So woss goin’ down then, Corp?” asked the driver.

“Can’t say, I’m sorry.”

“What–‘ush-‘ush, like?”

“Yeah, me an’ the colonel are goin’ to Afghanistan to sort it out, could be a bit dangerous as they don’t ‘ave tea bags–well not Earl Grey–so we’re gonna convert ‘em.”

“You’re gonna win the Afghan war with Earl Grey?”

“Well, nothin’ else ’as worked, ’as it–so gotta be worth a try. The colonel’s just explaining all this to my mum an’ dad, in case I get captured by white slavers or some local tribal leader wants t’ marry me.”

“I say one thing, Corp, you ain’t ’arf got a sense of ’umour.”

I jumped when the colonel tapped on the window. He led me into the house and I nearly fainted. Was it only five months since I lived here?

My father’s eyeballs nearly exploded when he saw me and my mother’s jaw gaped.

“Hello, Mum, Dad,” I said in my new higher pitched voice and my mother passed out.