Knowing Yourself - Chap-03

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Knowing Yourself:
Chapter Three

by
Lilith Langtree
T. D. Aldoennetti

Neither Rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor hail...

I stuffed my wet clothes into my equally wet backpack and Irina graciously took me home, threatening to begin teaching me how to do some of my own makeup.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

“Oh Katrina, it would not be as much makeup as that which you will need for the photo shoots but just a little to bring out your looks for just going out.”

“Irina, thanks. I appreciate the offer but I’m still not certain I’ll go through with this. While the idea of the money is great, I don’t feel comfortable with this whole thing.”

“But Schatzi. You look so good. Even those models were eyeing you and I thought that one would come over to pull out your hair, she was so jealous of your body. And then all that wonderful money... Would you do that to poor Irina?”

Another guilt trip, first Tanner and now Irina.

“All I can promise is I’m going to think about it.”

Irina sighs, “Please don’t think too hard. I need a new car and would love to be able to put a little money away for my old age. You could skyrocket and Irina would love to ride your skirt-tails. Besides, you make a beautiful model.”

I sigh and twitch my eyebrows. “I promise I’ll give it a lot of serious thought.”

I figure his previous statements have provided three of the negatives in my tally of pros and cons. Skirts, makeup and beautiful. Which reminds me, he plucked my eyebrows during my makeup session.

He sighs again and I can see the dollar signs which were in his eyes floating away as his eyes turn from the colour of greenbacks back to their natural hue.

“The first shoot is at nine. Tanner wants us there by seven to look at the photos some more and perhaps take a few more shots. I’ll be here about six to do your makeup and then we’ll go in. Please Schatzi, take pity on poor Irina and at least do Saint Peterburg. That will help me a little and give you a better feel for what it will be like if you do decide to do it some more. For Irina? Please?”

“No promises. I’ll think about it, that’s all I’ll say at this point.”

He grimaces but doesn’t say anything more and I thank him for the ride home getting out of his car then watching him drive away before going in to climb the stairs to my apartment. The heels are now becoming a nuisance since I’m not accustomed to doing stairs in heels. I’m afraid the staccato tap of the heels will attract every red-neck staying here but I managed to make it into my apartment unmolested.

Once inside, I take off the heels and quietly move about my apartment first changing out of the woman’s clothing then into something more masculine before washing out my wet clothes and laying them out to dry. My soggy mess which was supposed to be my lunch is dumped and my book is steamed on very low in the microwave for seven or eight one minute sessions before I place it on a towel under several other large books in an effort to keep it from warping too badly. In an hour I’ll check to see if I am able to separate the pages without destroying the book and maybe microwave it some more.

Now I fix myself a TV dinner in the microwave and ten minutes later sit down to eat. I have shoveled my first bite of mashed potatoes into my mouth when I realize potatoes are one of the things I shouldn’t be eating if I’m going to be a model. Looking at the dinner for a minute I finally make a point of finishing the mashed potatoes first before starting in on the turkey, peas and cranberry muffin. After all, it’s a Hungry Man dinner and I’m a hungry man!

Having finished the meal I feel unpleasantly stuffed. That’s new, as I usually finish a HM dinner and look around for a snack half an hour later. Must be because I didn’t eat much at lunch. I can’t believe I ate all that rabbit food. Hell, I can’t believe I spent the day dressed as a woman. I can’t say I liked it, it was just different and I expected someone to begin pointing and yelling “boy” at any second. I won’t miss wearing those clothes. I try to read another one of my books for a half hour without a great deal of success before finally hitting the sack.

~O~

I’m tossing and turning and generally having a rough time going to sleep. I can’t get this whole thing out of my mind and visions of some of the problems I had at home pound through my head almost as painfully as the physical and verbal beatings I went through. It wasn’t bad enough that the kids at school would do it. My Dad was just as misunderstanding. Of course it had to be Mom’s and my fault that my body looked like it did. Couldn’t have been anything he contributed to the cause. More than once as I was growing up in grade school he would take me and have my hair nearly sheared off, leaving just a stubble. Even that didn’t help. It just made me look like a girl who’s hair was missing, like maybe I had leukemia or something and the Chemo caused me to lose my hair.

The boys at school would pound me nearly every day once they found out about my shape. Then Dad would pound me at home for not being able to defend myself. It’s a wonder I survived. I began to think I knew more about the hospital rooms than I did my own bedroom.

You’d think my sister or my brother would take the time to at least try to understand or maybe even play with me? Fat chance. My brother treated me like some kind of freak and took just as much pleasure out of pointing me out to the bozos who then pounded me into the pavement as they did in doing it. My sister wouldn’t have anything to do with me because I was, “prettier than her.” Thanks loads. Just once I thought she might be trying to understand and she convinced me to try on some of her old clothes.

“Maybe you really should have been a girl.”

That was short lived. Mere seconds after she had helped me dress up, had fixed my hair and let me look in a mirror, she was screaming her head off, “Mom... Mom... Mac’s wearing my clothes.” That went over like a lead balloon and of course Mom wouldn’t believe me that it was all Sis’ idea. Then when she wouldn’t let me change back until Dad saw me that was almost a death sentence.

So now what? Because of a freaking storm I spent a day in girls clothes and my boss is trying to convince me that I should do it for a couple of years? I wander out to the kitchen and open a package of pop tarts, drop them on a paper plate (clean up is a lot easier that way — I never need to wash dishes) and go back to the bedroom to nibble and worry.

The money would be great. Enough to have the operation and go to college. Maybe do something about my figure too. The downside is spending a couple of years as a girl in order to earn that money. I don’t know if I can do that. Today wasn’t bad, except maybe for Emerson, but I don’t know if I could do that every day for a year much less two. And how could I go home to see Mom at Christmas? Maybe I could have her come to me for Christmas. Oh right... She won’t go anywhere without Dad and the moment he sees me, I’m in the hospital again; if I survive. Tanner and Irina can’t be with me every second of every day.

I wish everyone would just leave me alone and let me live my life. What the hell is this fixation with wanting me to dress like a woman? I mean, there ARE other guys who look a bit like this without people shoving them into girls clothes or using them as punching bags or anything.

I awaken the next morning having finally fallen asleep sometime during my mental gymnastics and consider my options which aren’t all that swift. One thing I know for sure, I’m not going to wear those women’s clothes into work this morning. I can see it now. Irina arrives and does my makeup then we walk out of my apartment, which nearly everyone in the building knows is rented to a guy, they spot me in a skirt, blouse and heels accompanied by a “flaming homosexual stereotype” and he gets pounded into the ground and I get murdered. No, thanks anyway.

I get dressed and fix my lunch shoving everything into my backpack which is still a little damp, must be because of the heavier material. Then I remember I need to take the women’s clothing back and go find it all, carefully packing it as well, the shoes on top and the pack zipped and buckled shut. Irina shows up promptly and is a bit disappointed to see me dressed in trousers and shirt rather than skirt and blouse. I don’t say anything but I’ve got to accept the ride since my bike is at work and it’s either accept the ride or walk.

We show up at the studio only to find Tanner already there scrolling through the images he processed of me in women’s clothing. He takes a look at me and grunts, “Okay, so the Emerson account doesn’t matter to you?”

“Yes it matters. I’ll do St. Petersburg, but I’m not going to be a woman except for that shoot. You have other models, use one of them for the rest.”

“That won’t work. Emerson called bright and early this morning. He won’t settle for anyone but you pending review of your portfolio which I’ve been busy dummying up half the night. He said either you do all thirty of their presentations for the year or he’ll go elsewhere. And if he goes elsewhere then I don’t need the extra help so you’ll be out of a job. Sorry kid, but I just don’t have enough going without him to be able to keep you on.”

“So it’s either I spend a year or two as a female model or I don’t have a job?”

“Afraid so kid. I really am sorry. I’ll give you good references but I can’t afford to keep you on if I lose Emerson.” While we are talking the phone begins to ring and Tanner ignores it letting the automated system pick it up. The conversation begins somewhere in the background and Tanner suddenly pauses in our conversation and begins listening more closely to the message being placed on the automated system. After the caller hangs up he turns back to our conversation.

“Sorry. That was the client who talked about you so long yesterday. He wanted a copy of your Port but that call was asking if you could do a shoot today. Too bad. I call him later and let him know you’re not available. I know it doesn’t matter now but would you like to see what I worked up for your portfolio thus far?”

I shrug my shoulders. It won’t make much difference one way or another. If I won’t pose as a woman for a large chunk of my life then I’m not working anyway. It might be interesting to look at just for grunts and giggles. I remember the women’s clothing in my backpack and begin to take it out so it won’t wrinkle badly. Tanner can put it back into the wardrobe. The PresentationsTM program comes up on the screen and music with voiceover begins as various photos of me modeling different outfits in several poses each go by. It’s actually pretty good and Tanner says it is backed by a printed copy of the images in a folio which allows them to be taken out and examined individually. I’m impressed. I’ve never seen a portfolio before and this contains a lot more than I thought they did.

“You need to remember that this is a gimmick because Katrina really doesn’t have any jobs under her belt so I had to ‘make up’ a few plus the normal agency photos which would be a part of it. If you had taken the job offered today I could have added some of the photos for that shoot into your port and that would have strengthened it in Emerson’s eyes. Well, guess we don’t need any of this, do we? Let’s get ready for the first client. Will you hang those things while I telephone Reed and let him know we need to pass on the job?”

Tanner wanders off toward his office and Irina takes the makeup kit to the corner where everything is set up for that purpose. I stand there thinking then rush to Tanners office and attract his attention while he is still waiting to get past the secretary.

“Tanner, what is this shoot Reed wants Katrina to do?”

“I don’t know. The message didn’t give any details.”

I lick my lips and lower my eyes, my voice drops to about a third normal, “If it’s just for a couple of hours today then tell him I’ll do it.”

Tanner hangs up the phone, “What?”

“Just today. I’ll do it.”

“There isn’t much point to that. If they like you then one day won’t work for us and could do my agency more harm than good. Thanks, kid; but no thanks.” He starts dialing the phone to Reed again.

Aww shit. I can’t be out of work. Quietly, “Okay. I’ll do it.”

“Kid, I know you really don’t want to do it. I don’t know why I even thought about it. You just look so good and... I don’t know... I thought it would be a trip... to pull it off without anyone being the wiser. You’ve got to know that if we were able to do it for a couple of years and make all that money then just disappear again, it would really be a mystery in the modeling world. People would talk about the top model who appeared out of nowhere, rushed to the top and then vanished. I should never have dragged you into it. You just look so hot dressed like a female.”

Once again my pride gets my anger up a bit at his comment but this time I control it without a quip and stay quiet as he answers the phone which began ringing while he was talking.

“...Hamersley agency. Tanner speaking... Hi Reed, yes I called but something came up and I had to break away for a minute...”

I feel like I’m letting everybody down as I listen to the conversation. Finally I begin waving my arms to attract Tanner’s attention.

“... Could you give me a moment, Reed? Hold on...” He makes a point of putting the phone on hold so we may talk without this Reed guy hearing him.

“I’ll do it.”

“Do what exactly?”

“I’ll do the whole thing. Two years but there are a few conditions. One of which is that you NEVER leave me alone with ANYONE for ANY reason.”

He punches the button on the phone, “...Reed. She just walked into my office. Could I call you back in ten? Thanks.”

“All right. I understand that condition and agree with it, especially if we are on a shoot for Emerson. What are your other conditions?”

“One is that no one ever learns I’m not female. If that happens, I walk and you still owe me for everything.”

“Define everything.”

“All that I have earned as Katrina prior to the time I’m discovered and the full amount for the specific shoot we are doing if I’m found out while doing the shoot. In turn, I’ll damn well do everything I can not to be discovered.”

Tanner laughs at that, “I agree with that condition too. What else?”

“I don’t know but as I think of them I’ll let you know and we can work something out. I don’t want to be unreasonable like Bianca but I don’t want to have any future career destroyed by bad publicity. And I don’t want my parents to know.”

“Okay. I’ll tell Reed you’ll do the shoot today. Go change into that skirt suit and have Irina make you up while I call Reed back. Mac... Thanks. This is really important to my agency and the money won’t hurt you either.”

“I’ve got to be crazy agreeing to this. Stark raving mad.”

“I don’t think so. You’re a good person and you care about everyone’s needs. As long as you stay like that you’ll be a great model and people will like working with you. That can mean a lot long term. It could also mean your value as a model could go up too. The better models who work quickly and treat everyone well are always in demand much more than the difficult ones however good they may happen to be. Go on Katrina, go change and get made up lightly. Tell Irina it’s an outdoor shoot so the makeup should be for the kind of sky we have right now.”

“Okay. Sorry I’m so difficult.”

Tanner winks his eye at me and gives me a thumbs up with the hand that’s holding the handset even as he is punching the buttons to dial Reed back. I go tell Irina that he will need to make me up for a daylight shoot this morning and then rush off to put on the skirt suit. Just before I return to Irina, I spend some time brushing out my hair which has decided it is going to hang straight down my back this morning. It isn’t especially long but when straight it almost reaches the middle of my shoulder blades.

Irina is overjoyed to be making me up and carefully covers the suit before starting on my face. Shortly after finishing my face he does my fingernails and pushes my hair into a French curl which doesn’t look so good since I could use some more hair. He continues to fuss for about ten minutes before we go back to check in with Tanner.

We find him checking the digital cameras and he has the logging cameras out as well. I’ve never seen him use them but he explained them to me when I started here. The cameras may be set to take a shot every few seconds and are capable of nearly two thousand very high definition photographs each, more if they download to a computer on the fly. At one every two seconds, 1800 photos may be taken by each camera in one hour. There is a remote which can activate or deactivate them so they may be set for up to five shots a second and then triggered to begin and stopped when necessary allowing the capacity of the memory to extend well beyond an hour. They will continue to download to the computer all the stored shots taken until all memory is released again for another session.

Sometimes the cameras capture shots from their angles which otherwise would be lost. That gives Tanner the option of moving around to take his shots knowing that most of the time the other two camera will still be snapping away. The only drawback is the need for three sets of strobes one set for each of three cameras. If the strobes happen to go off at the same time it’s no biggie because the cameras will cut off when they have recorded enough light from the scene. Good system but expensive. There are not a lot of studios or photographers who use the system as a result. Tanner is probably the best with it. Now I get to see it in action, not quite from the viewpoint I had previously expected but still...

Another of Tanner’s models arrives shortly before the shoot. This one is all legs. The client shows up a couple of minutes later along with a rack of clothes and two of his hanger’s on. The first shoot of the day goes well and I wind up assisting the model with her changes since I’m a ‘girl’ too. She’s a talker and I find it necessary to invent a little of my ‘past history’ to keep her happy. Now I need to tell Tanner about my ‘past’ so he won’t be blind sided. This is becoming more difficult. There are a lot of little things about which I haven’t given a thought but which could trip me up big time if I’m not careful. Like my last name, which I had nearly forgotten. To make it even worse, I don’t know Dutch.

When the shoot finishes and everyone leaves I give Tanner the information about my ‘history’ what little I couldn’t get away from revealing. I also tell him that my ‘name’ has now been placed out into public view, “... but I don’t know Dutch and that could become a bit of a problem. There’s just one other little thing... I don’t have a passport and even if I did, it wouldn’t be in the name of Katrina Van Derholt.”

Tanner obviously hadn’t thought about that. Irina and I can see his face screw up like it does when he is confronted with a difficult problem and his thinking cap begins to smoke. “Okay... I don’t know if we can fix that in time. All we can do is try. I need to save these pics to a folder and make a couple of phone calls while you two put this place back together for the next shoot. We’ve got twenty minutes.”

Tanner spends the first four preparing his folder and transferring the high definition pics into it then creating a disk to accompany the eight by tens he will be sending to the client. Finally he sequesters himself in his office with the door closed. The new client and his model appear just as we finish hiding away the few clothes that were left behind from the previous shoot. The previous client took about half of them away with him and the model selected two sets, the remnants now hang in our modest wardrobe.

With the client and model here, I continue to put together the little things they like to have on hand as three guys bring in a set on wheels. I’ll bet they’re glad we’re on the ground floor. I manage to break away to let Tanner know the client is here and feel my butt burning once again from this client’s gaze. How many of them are like Emerson? I glance back and he averts his eyes so I guess he isn’t quite as bad. Emerson just continued to look and I could have sworn he licked his lips as he looked at me. This one seems a bit embarrassed that I realised he was looking.

I knock and slightly open the door to Tanner’s office poking my head inside. He cups his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and looks at me.

“Tanner, eleven o’clock is here. They brought in some sort of set to use in the shoot. Where do you want them to place it?”

“I’ll be out in a second to take a look. Thanks, Katrina.” Tanner gives me a wink and uncovers the mouthpiece again saying something into it as I close the door and return to the client.

“He’ll be right out. He is wrapping up an important phone call. How large is your set?”

“Not too big, but I would prefer the background for it to be neutral. I would have sent it over yesterday but it wasn’t finished.”

Tanner has exited his office and walked up to us hearing the client’s reply. “Not a problem, Tom. Now, what exactly is this?”

“Our cosmetics spread for the Fall and Winter. Tanya here, is wearing our Fall makeup and perhaps Irina could help us with the change to the winter look, when we’re ready?”

“Sure thing. So neutral Fall for the first background?”

“If you could. I gave you all our info on the phone and we would like photos of both Tanya and the cosmetics and then some of both together with her pretending to be doing her face herself.”

“Sure thing. Irina, give me a hand with the background drops, would you?”

Five minutes later the client’s set is in front of a backdrop showing a Fall scene and Tanner is beginning to snap away. He gets the model in some distant shots but mostly close ups, changing the lenses on the digital while still observing the subject and telling her when and where he wants her to move around or turn her head to better advantage to bring out the make up, less is more look. Now he is snapping the set with the makeup alone then a dozen or so with the model pretending to be touching up her makeup before sending her to Irina to have the Fall look removed and the Winter look added. While that is happening he goes off to view the photos with the client at the computer and I take a flavored water over to the model who smiles and thanks me.

Irina even gives her a moment to sip some of it. The near continuous lighting warms the models thus the need for the water, and it also provides composition light even though it drops off as soon as Tanner slightly presses the shutter button. The multiple strobes flash to take the picture and then moments later it all reverses again so the continuous lighting is present. If this were a Summer scene then the continuous lights would remain on to add more red and a little yellow to the photos.

The Winter scene will require some blue gels on the continuous lighting which will, once again, remain on but reduce in intensity during the shots. The overhead lights are doused because they are the wrong colour temperature and are used only so we don’t crash as we walk around due to lack of light. Five back lights which are covered in diffusion gauze provide a flooded haze which helps separate the model from the background and makes the overall photo look more realistic. These can’t be too bright or they will cause a halo around the model which makes the background look fake. Balance between the model and the background is important too. Diffused photo floods illuminate the background scene behind her to remove any shadowing which could taint the lie. It’s all about sales and perceived reality.

All these changes to the lighting and the careful preparation to the overall shots are what take most of the time. That’s why there may be an hour or two required just to produce a couple of dozen pics from which one or two are chosen by the client. It’s nothing like school photos or those taken of a dance class where the background is set up and then the students are herded through in an assembly line for the dozen or so quick poses each producing photos from which proud parents may choose.

I’m thinking about all this and wondering if I’ve made a mistake saying I would do it. At least walking in heels is becoming easier.

~O~
~O~

(chap. 3 of 28)
to be continued.

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Comments

Knowing Yourself - Chap-03

I can understand his reluctance to continue the charade, even if he wil make money as a model. Question is, Will he be encouraged or forced to have the operation?

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Nice story.

I can imagine some grubby guy trying to get his hands on Katrina, and I think that she is about to get a big surprise. A few times, certain men had such a mesmerizing effect on me that they could have dragged me off to their lair easily, though none ever asked, or did it. I think that when she first feels that it will be quite a shock.

Much peace

Khadijah

Romance?

What this story needs is a love interest. Some guy hot enough that Katrina can be jarred out of her insistence that she is a guy. She may go both ways, but I bet her passion turns out to be guys. And probably just one guy.

Lulu

- Gender is between the ears, sex is between the legs and anywhere else you can get it. - Lulu Martine

- Gender is between the ears, sex is between the legs and anywhere else you can get it. - Lulu Martine

I liked this one the first time around.

And I'm liking it now. Someone did their homework, it seems.

Poor Katrina, caught and knowing it, but not knowing how deeply it can be.

Maggie

Dangerous

What a dangerous game Katrina is playing. Hiding in plain sight of everyone, cameras included.

Can't wait to see what comes up next.


-Christelle

"Fun-loving geek-chick who's addicted to sunlight!"


-Christelle

"Fun-loving geek-chick who's addicted to sunlight!"

Teddi's Style

terrynaut's picture

I can see Teddi's style now, especially in the attention to the technical details. I wonder how much she wrote. Did she actually write the whole thing past the first chapter? And was it then tweaked a little since then? I'm just wondering.

I like how Mac is getting sucked into her new life.

If she's so feminine looking, I wonder if she's more woman than man. It sounds as if her female plumbing is more functional than her male plumbing. Again, I'm just wondering. I wonder a lot.

Thanks and kudos to all involved in this.

- Terry

It's not as bad as it could be though

This is not a story about humiliation. Everybody is in on it and everybody has a lot to lose so 'Katrina' will be protected all around. At this point I do not see a love interest and having a man around to make you see sense is soooo trite. Before one can go all googly eyes and decide you are male or female based merely on male interest is stupid as we all know we have to feel we are female or male before sexual orientation makes sense so it is the absolute reverse of how it should be decided.

Any how, this is gonna be an interesting story. I have never had professional level equipment and have done some basic lighting only but photography is a lot more than those silly snapshots everybody seems to be making with digital cams these days.

Finally this story at it's best will be a wonderful voyage of self-discovery.

Kim

there is protected,

then there is protected. AND, being intersexed, as he/she was described means even more potential physical issues than a normal pre-op TS might encounter. and all it takes is one mistake and there will likely be lots of chances for those. Models often are congreated in one place when out on location photo shoot, then, there are clothing issues. how is she going to cope with that. then there is hob-knobbing with clients, agents, models. & that doesnt begin to count parties. and I think that's where Kat is going to have her 1st major problem, when her two self appointed body guards get tipsy & want to go play with newly found ""merchandise"" found at the party and she ends up alone.