Connections

I don’t know even how to really tell a story, much less one like this. My name is Jamie Stevens and I’m I’d like to think I’m an average guy. Even to the point of thinking I’m a freak sometimes. I think everyone has that thing in their head saying I’m not normal.

I’m five ten, two thirty give or take a few, brown hair that’s just getting a bit of greys in it and I’m thirty eight and I’m single. Or was? Sort of. Online relationships are screwy. I mean there’s so much debate if you’re with someone you’re with someone and that’s it. Online, on the phone, long distance or not.

Truth be told I’m not all that tempted to “Cheat” on Jessie. I live in a townhouse full of students going to McGill university all the time and while when I first moved in it seemed ideal with all the college girls after ten years the drama the young girls seem to like or even love and the ones with Daddy issues…it all got really old really quick.

Like any “normal” person I turned to porn and that gets old really fast too. Porn’s great if you’re some idiot twenty something or even some idiot who can’t seem to grow the hell up. But as sordid as it seems it’s where I met Jessie.

I was surfing one night and stumbled into the she male stuff. It didn’t bother me as much as it kind of should have but then I found places with literature on LGBT stuff and links to stories. There’s a lot of trashy stuff out there but there’s a few sites like here at BCTS that showed me real sights by real people. People that honestly I never thought of as people. As freaked and curious as I was about the forbidden stuff I soon found myself lured into these stories not by the erotic natures of them but by the way there was such a mixture of hurt, hope, and even real romance.

Here in a place I’d never seen or thought I’d explore I found lonely hurt voices not just crying out their stuff but singing out into the darkness sometimes. Their stories and blogs and comments all voices in a world that I didn’t understand but I was so close too.

Here in these places I met women, who were more woman, more real ladies, more caring and loving and respectful than the GG’s I had known all my life. There’s some real women out there who really take so much for granted.

So I began to talk to them.

It wasn’t all the flirty stuff or the nearly porn stuff but just talking. Talking about stuff that was what they had to live with or in a lot of cases live without and the stuff they’ve had to go through.

The real kicker was they listened to the stuff going on with me too. I wasn’t TG or anything I wasn’t gay in my head I’m still not, but they listened, actually listened to what I was going through and more than that…They actually gave a shit.

Jessie especially.

I “Met” her when she blogged about how she was hurting inside and just how there was so much pressure on her at home and with her family who had no clue that “Jake” was really and had always been Jessie. And at first it was being a sympathetic ear for her.

Then she returned the favour.

Then we began to talk every day, sometimes for hours. Something I hadn’t done in my real life relationships. She got me to open up parts of myself that I couldn’t with other people. There are things, dreams that I’ve had about myself, about how I want to be that I’ve had seen people just laugh at in RL. So like a lot of people in the TG community I just kept these feelings, parts of the real me stashed away.

It hurts, it hurts a lot.

I want to be a better man; I’ve always wanted to be a better man. I wanted to be the knight in shining armor for somebody. There are some guys who dream about that kind of thing. There’s a lot…a lot of people who’ll think you’re either stupid for wanting it. Offended by your values. Or just think and accuse you of being a liar because nobody’s like that anymore.

Jessie never thought I was lying, never thought I was being stupid. Never doubted me, ever.

I never had that before.

When someone like that comes along how…how can you not fall in love with a girl like that? I did, absolutely head over heels in love with her.

And what she was born like suddenly was the least important thing in the world to me.

That’s how we began. Soon we were talking all the time, we’d sleep “together” even if we were apart by such a distance. And we’d have these dreams, these things that’d happen. Like waking at the same time, our opening messages to each other within moments of each other. I’d dream of places and things about her and get so many things right it’s be spooky but fun. I’ve got gypsy in my blood so who knows? I’ve always had a knack for feeling people out and great intuition.

Lucid dreams…we began sharing lucid dreams and I’d see her, what she seemed like in my? Minds eye in those dreams of us together. 5ft seven, 145lbs, big brown eyes that are so soulful…I think they even make me gasp in my sleep. Shoulder length brown hair, in a nice cut…I smile even as I dream of her because Jessie is older than me and she must dye her hair because I’ve got more than a few grey hairs. She’s not a perfect image or fantasy that some guy’d describe but she’s real, I know I’m talking about a dream being real. Her nose has character, her lips are a bit thinner than a GG’s might be but to me she’s amazing, she’s gorgeous. I even dream of her in transition, which she’s not started yet but I dream of her like she’s started. I dream of her being who she is. I dream of her as the her she wants to be.

I dream of doing things with her and to her… (Blush) I’ve never done before. The sex is the least of it. It’s everything else that I really want more.

I want, I’ve always wanted a girl I could give my heart to and have her cry and say “It’s beautiful.” I want to be treasured too. That’s her, that’s my Jessie.

Yeah, My Jessie.
It feels so good to say that.

***
It’s the first week of December, and I’ve taken my vacation, I’ve spent way more money than I should; renting an apartment near where she lives. First month and last month’s rent as the damage deposit, furnished, with the utilities on and everything.

I bought things, things that she can’t have in her life right now and everything, clothes that I hope will fit, make up and girly stuff. I went into debt over this on my credit cards but…I had to. I have to know…

If this is real it changes everything.

***
I didn’t tell her I’m down here.

I wait until she’s got some alone time, her mother’s gone to her Sisters and her brother is at work. Why they are there is a long story but its family and she’s not “out” yet and she’s awesome for dropping her life and her happiness for them.

It gets me a little…upset that she can’t feel safe and loved enough to be herself. It’s not Jake that’s taking care of the family, putting their life on hold while the whole thing is literally choking Jessie off.

Sorry…It’s just that. I see her. And it’s this amazing daughter and sister they have taking care of things for them, taking care of them, loving them so much she’s…she’s…fucking killing herself and her soul because of that love.

Sorry…I get that way about people I love.

***
I’m at the net café talking to her and telling her that I’ve got to go but I’ll talk to her in a few minutes.

I leave the net café and drive my beat up clunker to her house. I’ve got the address from sending her things before.

I pull down the road, well single lane old highway and turn up her gravel driveway. I honk the horn and get out.

I see them come to the door a little confused.
I see they’re Jake at the moment in just a t-shirt and black jeans, wool socks on her feet.
Yeah her.
She’s playing Jake but it’s here and I smile at her.
She still looks confused.
“Hi…Jessie.”
She steps out onto her porch, looks at my beat up car, the provincial not state plates. Then at me. “Jjjj…Jamie?”
“Hi Angel…” I say trying not to let my nerves from taking over. I step towards her. She’s stunned and looking at me and I see the stark naked fear there…The tears that stream out of her eyes and down her cheeks so heavy, so fast that they’re dripping off her trembling chin…”Jamie…” her voice has gotten smaller, higher, in shock but she’s slipped into her real voice.
Jessie’s voice.
“Yeah, it’s me Angel, really me.” I step in and before I lose my nerve or she falls victim to her’s I step in and kiss her. Not a small light peck but a real kiss, one of those kisses I write to her about where I take her chin in my hand /hands and guide her head into the kiss.

I’m kissing her with her as Jake, but it’s not who I’m kissing.

It’s not who I’m connected with.

Even with the way they’re dressed, even though they’re not in transition…I can feel Jessie under those clothes, under that shell she wears all the time. And it’s just not Jake…it can’t be Jake, he’s not real because he’s just an illusion.

Then a miracle happens….The best moment of my life, the best spark of connection between us ever.

My Jessie Kisses Me back.

......The Beginning?