I'm so glad that you find my blogs inspiring. I'm so very grateful for that.

But I guess I can't really think of my life as anything even close to normal. Perhaps to those that only know me from work, from around the apartment building, from my usual coffeeplace and other similar places, my life would seem normal.

But those that really know me would know better, and know how lonely, troubled, insecure and neurotic I really am. I've been going to the same therapist for more than five years (since RLT), and that fact alone would tell you something. I actually consider myself closer to her than with my parents.

I have trust issues, issues with believing in my self-worth, and even with the simple ability to accept compliments. Deep down, I cannot really believe anyone would want to be around me. My therapist says that comes from my years as an outsider boy, of being considered as a nerd, a shrimp, a little guy that bullies seem compelled to beat up on. My therapist and I think I'm making progress on this, but I'm not yet there.

Before transition, during my RLT, a bunch of girls from the office invited me to a night out when in fact it was just a pretense to get me alone and make fun of me. That humiliation and betrayal wounded me deeply, especially since it came from women. After transition, when I showed the girl that I loved and considered my best friend the changed me, I was rejected. Naively, I had assumed that the change would make the world accept me more. But that was just another one of a long line of pipedreams that never came true. As my therapist said, my world will accept me only if I accept myself, regardless of gender or whatever. These are all components of why I am the way I am.

During the times that I daydream, I dream of a day when I am just accepted normally, and I so desperately want that. My dreams are boring that way - to want to be just like everyone else, and not someone special.

Read some of my poems and stories in BCTS and you can probably get a flavor of what I am talking about.

I so desperately want to be just a normal person - no one special, just a regular person. I am arrogant enough now that I think that might even actually come true.

To see Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs
To see all of Bobbie's BCTS blogposts, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c
To see all of Bobbie's stories on BCTS, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot