Greener on the Other Side
(this is a Working Girl blog)

There are so many things wrong in this world, and recently, there have been many that have gone wrong with the world that have personally touched me. I won't delve into the specifics of what these are - I don't want to wallow in them, as tempting as that may be (I'm tryin' to be a tough girl, heehee). But truth of the matter is - I'm over most of them, and, right now, there is little that is wrong - at least nothing majorly wrong, that is - in my life. Just the usual day-to-day minutiae of life. For now, that is.

Why, you may ask, am I posting this now, and in here, of all places - a blog of no consequence or relevance, except to me, perhaps? Well, let me tell you, my dear.

More than half a decade ago, I had despaired of having any kind of normal life, and the petty problems that I have now, I would dearly have loved to have back then, if only...

I see some of the posts in the site, and I cannot help but identify with those who have posted them. All I can really offer them is my commiseration, my sympathy. But I have been there, and, though it seems impossible to you now, there IS a way out. Though it's not reachable to some right now, at least there is comfort to know that the possibility, the hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, is there. Many will say their personal circumstances or finances are enough to make it hard for them. At least it's not impossible - as my therapist keeps on saying, it is not just a dream because it is within the realm of the do-able, and therefore it is worth it to pursue.

I am now in a part of my life where I am building my new world based on a me that wasn't the me that was conceived: the physical me as aligned to the true me as close as present medical science can make it. It has been a long five years, and the journey isn't over. I still feel that I am not real, a fake contrived to look normal but isn't. My therapist says that half of those whom she has worked with that transitioned like me have felt the same, and of these, about one fifth is not successful. I pray that I will not be one of these unfortunate ones (Such an irony, isn't it? My religion has denied me this, yet I pray...)

It is a daily struggle. And there have been many moments where my doubt nearly overwhelms me, and I find it hopeless. But like a recovering alcoholic stubbornly sticking to her program, I persevere and struggle on, and eventually it passes. Once I asked my therapist, does it have to be this way? It is such a drab and colorless life, having to power through such moments, and when one gets passed them, there is no magical moment when everything is fixed.

She asked me, haven't these moments been coming more and more infrequently? And, in all honesty, I had to say yes. She said that when such moments come so infrequently that they are like the proverbial "blue moon" (you know - "once in a blue moon?" etc. etc.), then I will have reached my goal - of being just a normal girl. So, even now, I have a goal, and I live for that time when the papier mache me is finally put to rest.

I am thankful that I discovered BCTS, and though many of those who have transitioned like me do not like to be part of such communities (my therapist says they'd rather forget their own papier mache years for they are too painful), I guess I am still not yet fully past the turn in the road, so that's why I am still here. I am actually scared that if I come to that goal-of-goals, I myself might visit BCTS less and less. I hope not.

It isn't all sweetness-and-light, being in BCTS. There have been a few times (some of them real doozies), where some well-meaning souls have (whether deliberately or inadvertently or even callously) made me face my papier mache past, and there was at least one time where I was really... thrown for a loop.

But it doesn't help to hide from such things; 'cause you're gonna have to face them eventually. But that's what hospitals and medicine and doctors and therapists are for, right?

I am therefore thankful for such moments because, like a boxer-in-training encountering a fist in the face, they help to teach me, so that I learn how to face the upcoming title fight called life.

I guess what I'm saying is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's plenty green right here, DESPITE the occasional life lesson that well-meaning people teach. I just haven’t been noticing the green lately. I think we all have to make an effort to from now on.

Smile, dearie. Stiff upper lip and such. It'll get better. The grass is plenty green right here.

Anyone wanna help me mow the lawn? Heehee...

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot