Google Is My Washpot;
Over Dot Com Will I Cast Out My Shoe

"Just for tonight, Jeffrey, suppress your ego and behave like an average fourteen year old schoolgirl."

"I can't, Susie - if I went missing it would make Denise dense."

Susie and Jeffrey 53 - 58 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 53

"Your uncle's middle name isn't Godot, by any chance, is it?"

Susie leant back, rested one foot against the wall and considered for a moment.

"God-awful would be more like it, Jeffrey."

"You shouldn't say that. You may have been something of a trial to him."

"It wouldn't be so bad if he'd mind his own business. He thinks he knows what's best for everyone - me in particular."

"He probably only has your welfare at heart. Can't you just humour him?"

Susie wagged her finger at me. "Careful, Jeffrey, you're slipping into dad-speak, again."

"No, I'm not," I protested. "I wish you wouldn't say that. Getting along with him is plain commonsense."

"Then, I take it all back," Susie grinned. "I couldn't accuse dad of that - and he'd never compare Uncle Frank to a hobbit, either."

"Who mentioned hobbits?"

"You did, but I can't quite place Goddo. I missed the beginning - was he an early casualty and never seen again?"

"Where on Middle Earth do you get your ideas from, Susie - why would you imagine Godot was a hobbit?"

"I deduced it, Jeffrey," she beamed. "By a process of elimination: he's not one of the Marx brothers and Frodo and Bilbo are the next famous 'Os' that spring to mind - apart from Sappho and Tesco - and Pluto."

"And Biffo and Bluto and ..."

"Don't go putting your oars in and muddying the waters, Jeffrey - Goddo is definitely a hobbit."

"No, he's not."

"Well, who is he, then - one of the teachers at school?"

"No, he's a fantasy character."

"See, I was right in the first place. I bet he was the chief orc. That'd make more sense, because it's a good description of Uncle Frank."

"Hang on, you never mentioned that before. He doesn't feast on decaying human flesh, does he?"

"Not exactly - though that may be the first impression he makes on you."

"Hey, Susie, I hope he doesn't greet me by biting my ear, like Uncle Bob."

"Your precious lobes will be quite safe, Jeffrey, he'll eye you up with a firm manly handshake. Respond in a pliant, but not limp fashion - no paralysing his arm."

"Don't try and divert me - I want to know exactly what 'not exactly' means."

"Just my little joke - forget it. That sort of careless talk's got me in trouble before. I shouldn't have set you thinking along those lines."

"It's a bit late, now."

"Well, keep your thoughts to yourself. Knock any eating-dead-body witticisms that spring to mind on the head; they won't be appreciated."

"Why - is he in the meat-pies and sausages business?"

"No, Jeffrey, he's a professional man, like dad - don't you go suggesting he's in trade." Susie grimaced and executed a change of leg. "It'll get you off on entirely the wrong foot. He's sensitive about his position in society."

"I may lack your people skills, Susie, but I'd never make any sort of tasteless remarks to a complete stranger. You know me better than that. In fact, I intend to say as little as possible."

"It's not the quantity, it's the quality; you have a fondness for gruesome gobbets of information."

"No, I don't," I protested. "They form a very small percentage of my store of knowledge."

"But you're more than eager to share them with people. I make a light-hearted remark comparing Uncle Frank to an orc and the next thing it's cannibal zombies and Sweeney Todd."

"Why are you getting so upset - is he a barber?"

"No."

"A professional hairstylist - is that how he likes to be known?"

"No."

"Well, what then? I don't want to make a fool of myself."

"You'll find out soon enough."

"Why won't you tell me?"

"It'll be a nice surprise."

"I've had quite enough surprises today, thank you very much."

"You can stand one more. Come on, it'll give us something to do if you're bored with waiting - you've had three wrong guesses, seven to go."

"I don't want to play 'What's My Line?'" I huffed. "You'd cheat; you're determined to keep me in the dark."

"I'll stand here contemplating my navel, then - imagining how I'm going to spend our money - unless you can think of a more interesting way to amuse ourselves."

Susie slumped back and began twiddling her thumbs.

"I bet your uncle is a butcher."

"No, he's not."

"A quality one - none of your pig's feet and sheep's head rubbish."

"Will you drop it - he's practically a vegetarian - like me."

"Pull the other one, Susie."

"You're barking up completely the wrong gum tree, Jeffrey."

"Whoa, Jeffrey - what's that?"

"The Holland's pies song - with all this waiting and our meaty discussion, it popped unbidden into my head."

"I warned you, Jeffrey - no offal references to dodgy pie fillings."

"It's nothing but a wholesome parody."

"It'd better be. You stay away from the flesh-creeping stuff."

"That may be difficult because mine will be all goosepimply if your uncle doesn't get here soon."

"Can we change the subject, please?"

"Does he own an abattoir?"

"No! He wouldn't hurt a fly. It was comic exaggeration, Jeffrey - will you let it drop."

"Godot wasn't an orc, anyway."

"In that case, why did you start rabbiting on about hobbits?"

"I must have been thinking about my feet," I shivered. "Theirs have a thick hairy covering, in contrast to mine which are turning into blocks of ice. I want my trainers back. And the school blazer - the wind's getting up."

"You can change shoes, but no coat."

"Aw, Susie, I'm freezing."

"If Uncle Frank sees that great big Saint Heloise's badge, there'll be the sort of questions you won't want to answer."

"Okay, but you'll have to let me snuggle inside mum's top with you to warm up. She'll play merry hell if I go home with a chill on the kidneys."

"I wouldn't leave you out in the cold, Jeffrey; you're more than welcome." She dug once more into her trusty bag. "Here, get these on."

I quickly swapped shoes, straightened up and fell back into Susie's arms.

"Just in time - I was beginning to suffer from exposure - hold on tight."

"You're not cold at all; I'm warming my hands on Pinky and Perky. You used it as an excuse for us to play spoons."

"Preserving body heat is a wise precaution; we might be here all night. I'm bringing a tent and sleeping bags the next time I come out with you."

"I didn't know you'd done any camping, Jeffrey?"

"I haven't, Susie - not even in the garden. I've been careful to show no interest in the great outdoors."

"It doesn't seem that way to me, Jeffrey; you're always keen to jump on a bike and pedal for miles."

"A different thing entirely: there's no danger of it giving mum the idea of sending me off to camp or enrolling me in the scouts."

"That's what parent's think lonely boys need. You're lucky I came along, Jeffrey, or you'd be spending all your spare time polishing your woggle."

"Going around with you, it might be useful to know how to remove a boy scout from a horse's hoof."

"Or how to improvise an umbrella."

I looked up and a big drop of rain sploshed in my eye. "Oh, it's going to pour down. We'll be drenched; your dad's a lot to answer for."

"We should have stood firm in the telephone box. I've noticed people are only too ready to take advantage of our good manners."

"Fools to ourselves, that's what we are," I moaned. "Why didn't we keep those hats? I hate getting my hair wet."

"Look over the road, where the car's pulled up."

"Not likely - I don't want to go through that again. Keep your head down."

"It's all right, he's using the cash machine."

"Will you stop staring at him, or he'll think it's an invitation to spend it on us."

"There's no danger; he's driving off. Let's go over - the rain won't be blowing in our faces and we can shelter under the canopy."

"I don't know: hanging around a cash machine at this time of night - won't that be provocative?"

"If you turn up soaked and shivering, Aunt Rose might insist on giving you a hot bath and a vigorous rub down."

"I don't believe you for a minute."

"She was a nurse, Jeffrey - she'll think nothing of it."

"I know you're making all this up; I can feel you smiling into the back of my head."

"It's coming on heavier; if you turn up soaked to the skin, you won't be able to refuse her offer of a dry pair of knickers."

"That seems a more likely scenario," I conceded. "Come on, then."

We crossed the road to the accompaniment of a roll of thunder.

"Hurry up, before it starts really pelting down."

"There's a lot of metal around here, Susie."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, nobody's ever been struck by lightning sheltering at a hole in the wall."

"I wouldn't be so sure; you're warned to stay away from cave entrances. Let's keep our distance."

"I want to have a play on it. I need to practise for when I get my account upgraded." Susie dragged me up close to the wall and began tapping away. "Where's the nudge button, Jeffrey?" She gave it a hefty slap on the front. "Pay out, you bugger."

"It's not a one-armed bandit - leave it alone."

"You know what they say about things happening in threes."

"Don't start that."

"Ill-gotten gains this time - not dead dogs. You hear of these things disgorging cash willy-nilly."

"But the people don't get to keep it; they're dragged through the courts and have to give it back in the end."

"Not always: Tesco's are gracious losers; they value their customer relations."

"This is a bank, Susie."

"There's still no harm in a few random pushes. You never know, I might induce a digital overload; all software's full of bugs. See, Jeffrey," she grinned, "I am computer literate."

"Give over, you haven't even a card to start it off."

"All the better - I'll be untraceable."

Susie bent down, picked up a foil crisp packet, folded it over and shoved it in.

"Sometimes, you behave like you're six, not sixteen."

"What's your lucky number?"

"I haven't one."

"Any, then."

"A thousand and one."

"That's because they're you're favourite fairy tales, Jeffrey."

"No, Susie, it's seven times eleven times thirteen and it lends itself to arithmetical trickery."

"A likely story - I prefer my explanation. One-nought-nought-one."

Bang! Bang! Susie followed up with a pair of mighty slaps.

"Ow! That hurt."

The machine gave a brief whirr of sympathy followed by a shrill pop before its display went blank.

"Oh, now look what you've done - you've short-circuited the thing. Get away from it."

"Wait - something's coming out. Twenties, Jeffrey - quick, grab them, before they blow away."

They were in my hands before I knew what I was doing. "This will only lead to more problems," I moaned, as I counted the notes.

"It'd be irresponsible to do anything else - how much is there?"

"Two hundred - come on, let's get away from the scene of the crime."

"Wait, there might be some more along in a minute."

"Don't be greedy - you'll land us in even more trouble. Look there's smoke coming out of it."

"We can't leave money to burn."

"Yes, we can." I grabbed Susie's arm and steered her across the road. "Don't look back."

"No offence has been committed, Jeffrey, it gave up the loot completely voluntarily; you can't mug a machine."

"It's morally wrong, Susie."

"The banks will be screwing us for the rest of our lives, this is a mere drop in the ocean to them."

We arrived back under our lamppost. At least the rain had stopped and the building wasn't going up in flames. I sighed and thrust the wad of notes at Susie.

"Go on, then, stick it in your bag for safe keeping. We can't return it tonight."

"We'll sleep on what's the best course of action."

"I don't want another detour tomorrow; we've already had enough of those."

"The sensible thing would be to deposit it in my account. Then the bank will have its cash back without any fuss."

"Not these notes, Susie, they'll have the numbers. If you keep them, they'll have to be discreetly spent."

"Okay, you've talked me into it. We've lent the bank six hundred and fifty today, so they've no reason to complain."

"As long as you keep two hundred in, they'll be no worse off."

"I'm comfortable with that, but not a hint of this to Uncle Frank."

"Of course not, he probably has old-fashioned views on the circulation of money. The important thing is to keep it going round; who actually owns the stuff doesn't matter."

"Really, Jeffrey - that's a useful piece of information. I'll make a note of it for future reference."

"It doesn't apply to our personal finances, Susie - it's more of a global thing."

"I'm a big picture person, Jeffrey - even more so, now I have you to attend to the fussy little details."

"I wish I knew the fussy little details of this pick-up," I shuddered and huddled against Susie. "Are you sure this is the right spot? We seem to have been waiting forever."

Susie zipped up her bag and gave me a squeeze. "You've no need to worry," she smiled and tapped her head, "I've a very efficient filing system in here. A place for everything and everything in its place - not like your haphazard arrangement of facts."

"It doesn't seem like that to me."

"Of course not - you know what you're going to say next, unlike us poor listeners. You have a tendency to jump from one subject to another. You're lucky to have found somebody on the same wavelength, who's in tune with you."

"I suppose you have a point; I sometimes get carried away with one-upmanship. But it's partly your fault - insisting I wear short skirts; it makes me want to overcompensate as Denise."

"Don't make excuses, you're just as bad as Jeffrey; you can be a bloody clever clogs."

"Sorry, Susie, I'll try to curb any future excesses."

"I don't really mind," she cooed in my ear. "I rather like you bamboozling me."

"You only have to ask when you don't know a thing; I'm always happy to educate you."

"Who was Goddo, then?"

"Frodo's dog."

"I said Pluto - I was right all along."

"No, you weren't."

"And neither are you - you're making it up; I would have remembered a hobbit dog."

"He wasn't in the film version; I waited over nine hours and he never turned up."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? It all makes sense now."

"Good - it didn't to me."

"I can understand how a thing like that would annoy a stickler for accuracy like you."

"It spoilt the whole picture."

"Maybe he'll be in the director's cut on the DVD."

"Sitting through it once was enough - don't get it me for Christmas. I'd rather have a pair of slippers."

Susie shifted her stance again and leant forward on my shoulders.

"I could do with the big fluffy pair I bought Uncle Frank last year. He does a lot of standing; he's always moaning about his feet."

"Runs in the family, does it - along with noses."

"What did I tell you, Jeffrey - that's just the sort of jibe he won't appreciate. He can't help having an occasional nervous sniff - and Trevor suffers from hay fever; he gets it from his mother."

"You couldn't expect me to know the whole family were sniffy," I huffed.

"Just remember - best behaviour."

"There's no need to keep telling me, Susie; I've never let you down yet as Denise - or as Jeffrey."

"I just want you to exercise a little caution. I know you don't mean to, but you have a tendency to get me into trouble."

"That's not fair, Susie, I spend half my time faithfully following you and the other half rescuing you."

"Assisting me - and let's not forget whose safe pair of hands precipitated our latest little misadventure."

"I'm not, but I don't understand why you're so worried."

"You won't believe this, but Uncle Frank thinks dad's far too indulgent with me."

"Never!"

"Yes, he strongly disapproves of my getting a car - especially after the foot fracas."

"He shouldn't have been that upset; it wasn't his foot."

"No, but Trevor used it to avoid helping in the family business over the summer. I wouldn't be surprised if he deliberately put himself in harm's way. He'd no earthly reason to be there in the first place."

"Where?"

"In the rhubarb bed - that's what makes me suspicious. Why would anyone choose to stand in the middle of a pile of horse manure if they didn't have an ulterior motive?"

"It's a boy thing: when I was a kid, I used to run up and down the fresh muckheap in granddad's garden; it heralded the arrival of spring."

"That's no excuse for Trevor; he should have grown out of such childish nonsense by now."

"It's not so easy to put those kind of things behind you. For instance, this time of the year when the smell of autumn's in the air, I have an overwhelming urge to go out collecting conkers."

"Fight it, Jeffrey - you're already in danger of becoming Mikey's dream girl. Ask him to show you his one hundred and eightier and you'll be heading for disaster."

"Thanks for the warning, but I'm not totally naive. I'll be confining myself to discussing matters of an intellectual nature with Mikey - that should put him off."

"It hasn't discouraged me."

"Of course not, you're an intelligent girl - obviously, you were subconsciously on the lookout for a brainy boy. Your attraction to me isn't as simple as you first thought, Susie."

"Is there anything you don't know, O wise one?"

"Plenty - how you got your aunt's car into the rhubarb patch, for starters."

"I backed it up the drive and straight through the greenhouse. Trevor can hardly say he didn't hear me coming. You'd have moved yourself if you heard the crash of breaking glass, wouldn't you?"

"How much damage did you do?"

"None to Aunt Rose's car, but Uncle Frank's solar powered lighthouse was crushed beyond repair. I think she was glad to see the back of that; it didn't go with the gnomes."

"Getting her an illuminated toadstool for Christmas might be a nice gesture."

"I'll bear it in mind if I can't find a lavatory brush that suits."

"It was only a suggestion; aunts are hard to buy for. What happened about the big item - the greenhouse?"

"Uncle Frank had the thing fully insured; he has policies for everything. He'd be laughing all the way to the bank if an asteroid hit his house tomorrow - provided he wasn't in it, of course."

"Lucky for me or I could have been inheriting another of your debts."

"What do you mean? I'm comfortably in the black at the moment."

"Well, keep it that way; now we're putting money away for a car, you don't want to incur any unnecessary expenses."

"About that, Jeffrey - I think it should be dad's responsibility to fund my half. He's more or less promised. You can put something away every week and I'll contribute a lump sum at the end."

"You mean you hope your dad will. I don't think that's fair, Susie."

"I've no spare cash, Jeffrey; you know how expensive it is being a girl."

"It needn't be."

"You're not doing it twenty-four seven."

"You shouldn't go for all the designer stuff - what's wrong with Aldi and Asda?"

"It's all right for you, Jeffrey, at the moment, you're just happy they're girl's clothes; you'll change your tune once the novelty wears off."

"I'll never be a slave to fashion; I'm not frittering money away. I take after gran - I'm astute."

"That's how Uncle Frank describes himself, but the truth is he's near; he wouldn't give a door a slam."

"I'm careful, but generous when necessary. I just don't like to go splashing out willy-nilly."

"If that's the case, you'll have lots of surplus cash available while my share is safely invested in the bank of dad. We'll be striking a nice balance."

"No, we won't - I'll be the only one putting something into the joint account. It makes a mockery of saving together."

"I'll go to the bank with you. It'll be good discipline for me - learning how to manage our finances."

"Maybe I should follow your example and get mum to pay my half. I'll have to give this some serious thought."

"We'll settle this later, Jeffrey, I'm not arguing with you now; it'll put you in the wrong frame of mind for meeting Uncle Frank."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do; you're always ready for a recreational argument."

"It's fun - especially with you as a sparring partner, but I'll forswear such pleasures to make you happy. I'll keep my lip well and truly buttoned - how's that?"

"I don't want you to be sullen with Uncle Frank. Make an effort to appear in awe of his superior male intellect. Give him a positive reception when he delivers a pearl of wisdom - however daft it may be."

I stepped forward and turned to face Susie. "I don't mind keeping mum, but I'm not acting dumb."

"Just pretend to be slightly dim and steer clear of the smart alec stuff."

"No, I shouldn't deny my true inner self - that's what you said."

"Okay, then - I'll tell Uncle Frank you're a shy prodigy, but you nod in agreement with everything he says."

"I'll try my best, as long as he doesn't provoke me."

"He's bound to do that; it's the kind of person he is. Just for tonight, Jeffrey, suppress your ego and behave like an average fourteen year old schoolgirl."

"I can't, Susie - if I went missing it would make Denise dense."

"That's the sort of stuff I want you to avoid; it'll give him the perfect opportunity to entertain us with his cryptic crossword puzzles," Susie groaned.

"I wouldn't mind. Funny as it may seem, the more you let slip about your uncle, the more I like him."

"You'll be in a minority of one."

"I think you may be prejudiced against him, Susie; how does he get on with your dad?"

"He thinks dad's letting the side down being an estate agent; he wanted him to go into the family business."

"There you go again - what is this mysterious family business?"

"You'll soon find out - this looks like him now."

Susie pointed up the road at a car that had just come round the corner.

"Well, it's not before time."

"We can't blame him, Jeffrey, he may have had a late call-out. The fourth emergency service - that's how Uncle Frank sees his profession."

"Somehow, I didn't imagine he was a coastguard."

"He's not - what gave you that idea?"

"They're the fourth emergency service."

"Never - they don't even have a siren."

"They have their own phones along the sea-wall - and they wear a big hat."

"Maybe, but don't argue the matter with Uncle Frank. He's keenly aware of his status; he won't want to be outranked by a coastguard."

I peered down the road at the approaching headlights. "You're the expert, Susie, what kind of a car is that?"

"A big black limousine, Jeffrey."

"It's a hearse ..."

"... a hearse, my kin's come in a hearse."

 

Chapter 54

"Your uncle's an undertaker, Susie."

"A funeral director, Jeffrey. I thought you would have guessed before now; I gave you enough clues."

"You deliberately misled me - how can it be an emergency if you're dead?"

"It is for the relatives."

"I suppose so," I conceded. "What else have you been hiding from me with your double-talk - does he live over the shop?"

"No, Jeffrey, he has a lovely detached house with a big garden and a brand new greenhouse."

"Why's he come in a hearse? I hope he isn't taking his work home with him."

"Don't worry, it's one of the perks of the job. You know - the company car thing. I bet your dad took advantage of a few tax dodges."

"He might have done, but he didn't pick up visitors in a skip lorry."

"This is a luxury vehicle, Jeffrey; it's hardly the same thing."

"It's worse," I spluttered, as the car drew nearer. "There's a coffin in the back - with wreaths on it."

"It's an empty. He uses it to get a parking space, that's all; just laugh politely if he says room for one more inside. It'll be the only chance you get - prepare to be bored rigid for the rest of the night."

"So, he's more of an ogre than an orc."

"That's enough - remember what I told you. I don't want to hear any more from jokey Jeffrey. Until we're safely in bed, you're to be diffident Denise."

I pulled down my skirt as far as it would go and hung my head. "That suits me to a 'D'; I'll be the invisible man from now on; you can speak for both of us." I stepped behind Susie and gave her a little push forward. "And be careful what you say: keep your tongue in check - not in your cheek."

The hearse drew up; the driver leant over and opened the door. He was an orc in a top hat - but he made a noble attempt at a welcoming smile.

"Hello, Susie, this is another unexpected little surprise you've sprung on me."

"Hi, Uncle Frank, I'm sorry we've had to trouble you. It was dad's idea not mine; I was all for us relying on our own resources."

"I wouldn't hear of it, Susie - and there's no need to apologise; this is what families are for. Aunt Rose and I are always happy to put ourselves out for you."

"I really appreciate it; to be honest, we're totally cream-crackered after the day we've had."

"Now, now - no low slang, please, you know how it hurts my ears."

"Sorry, what I should have said is we're well and truly tatered."

"Susie, must you always have the last word."

"Sorry times two - I won't forget again and I won't forget you coming out at this time of night. We're ever so grateful."

"I hope that will be reflected in your behaviour, Susie - actions speak louder than words."

"Funny you should say that: 'Facta, non verba' is the motto of my new school and I've taken it to heart."

"Well, I hope you'll bear it in mind the next time you're tempted to put an eel in our bed."

"That'll never happen again - I swear." Susie held up her hand. "It was a spur of the moment thing. I'd confiscated it off Mikey; he was trying to flush it down the toilet. I couldn't think what else to do with a dead eel."

"Deceased or not, it gave your aunt the shock of her life. Ever since, if she feels the slightest twitch under the duvet, her first instinct is to jump straight out of bed."

"I'm sorry," Susie struggled not to laugh and looked down at her feet. "I didn't mean any harm; it was only youthful high spirits."

"Well, they've had far reaching consequences - we now have a complicated ritual to perform before lights-out."

"What can I say? I don't know how I could have been so immature."

"Come on, get in - before you choke on your apologies. Just remember - no fooling around this time. Your dad will expect me to keep a close eye on you and your boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Susie paused at the door.

"Jeffrey is your boyfriend, isn't he?"

"Yes - what's dad been saying about him?"

"He was a little vague, but he hoped I'd extend a warm hand of friendship - and of course, I will. Is there something I should know?"

"You've no need to worry," Susie smiled and climbed into the hearse, "the more time I spend with Jeffrey, the happier dad is."

"Still, he must be anxious about you spending a night together under the same roof. I'll admit, given your past record, I'm a little uneasy at taking on the responsibility."

Susie settled into her seat, turned and beckoned me forward. "Chop-chop, Denise - don't keep Uncle Frank waiting."

"Who's that?" He looked out at me as I hesitated on the pavement. "I wasn't expecting three of you - and where's Jeffrey?"

"This is Denise and as far as I know Jeffrey's at home with his mother. Dad must have been confused."

"What's going on, Susie? I hope you're not planning on sneaking Jeffrey in behind my back."

"No, I was with Jeffrey the first time I rang home and after that we met up with Denise. She's his sister. They fight like cat and dog and he went off in a huff when I took her side."

"A plausible enough story - if only it didn't come from you."

Uncle Frank scanned both sides of the street before fixing his gaze on Susie.

"Satisfied - I told you there's no Jeffrey."

"So, it's just you and Denise."

"Yes, she's a little shy around strangers; sometimes you wouldn't know she's there. Come on, Denise, there's no need to be afraid. It's only a dummy coffin; no one will pop up and grab you."

I said nothing and slid in alongside her, Uncle Frank stared intently at me, before having a long look in the mirror and then slowly moving off.

"I hope you're telling the truth, Susie. I've checked to see that Jeffrey hasn't jumped on the back."

Susie gave me a nudge in the ribs. "Speak up, Denise, or Uncle Frank will suspect I've hidden Jeffrey in there somewhere."

"I wouldn't put anything past you, Susie, but I don't think you have magic powers."

"You can relax, Jeffrey, we've fooled him; Uncle Frank doesn't believe I've put a spell on you."

"Please don't tease, Susie, your uncle might get the wrong idea."

"Double bluff," she silently mouthed at me.

"There's no danger of that dear, I take everything Susie says with a very large pinch of salt."

"Lucky for you, Jeffrey."

"Stop it, Susie. What I do believe is that only a timid little mouse would trail around after you. No proper boy would put up with your antics for long. Jeffrey, wherever he is, has had a lucky escape."

"I'm the one to blame, sir." I decided to speak up for myself in my abscence. "Susie and Jeffrey are well matched, but the three of us together just can't get on. I'm really sorry to have come between the two of you, Susie."

"No need to apologise, Denise, Jeffrey can get a little uppity at times. There's no harm putting him in his place now and again."

"You have to make allowances for boys, Susie."

"You're a very loyal sister, Denise, Jeffrey should appreciate what a gem he has in you."

"I think he secretly likes me, but he's at an awkward age. We'll probably end up inseparable - like you and Mikey. You're the best big sister anyone could have, Susie."

"No need to lay it on with a trowel, Denise - Uncle Frank will think he's picked up the wrong girl."

"It'll take more than your friend to persuade me you've turned over a new leaf, Susie. A leopard doesn't change its spots overnight; I'll be watching your every move."

We turned on to the main road out of town and the hearse picked up speed.

"I read one of these can do well over a hundred; put your foot down, Uncle Frank."

"I'm a responsible driver, Susie - something you'll never be."

"Just wait until I get the chance - I'll show you."

"I won't be leaving the keys in the ignition and neither will your aunt - so put that thought right out of your head."

"You've no need to worry; thanks to Denise, I've come to see that patience is a virtue. She's a steadying influence on me."

"Really, Susie."

"Yes, funny as it may seem, we've only ended up here because Denise insisted on visiting the Pencil Museum and we got on the wrong bus."

"Is that what you told your father?"

"Not in so many words - we were a bit rushed."

"One day, you'll land in real trouble with your romancing, Susie."

"No honestly, having somebody to look after has changed my whole outlook on life."

"So, Denise, where did you meet, Susie - was she your babysitter?"

"That's right," Susie grinned.

"No, it isn't."

"Your mother left you in my care, Denise. Believe it or not, Uncle Frank, I've become a regular Mary Poppins since my last visit."

"I don't, Susie."

"Mum's a worrier, that's all, Mr Jones and Susie won't let me forget it. We're in the same year at school, but I'm not as experienced as most girls my age. I sit in my bedroom and read a lot."

"That's very refreshing to hear. I only hope you're not wasting your time on modern rubbish. Enid Blyton's the thing for impressionable young minds - are you listening, Susie?"

"I'm afraid it's too late for me, Uncle Frank, I'm a child of the Internet."

"Don't be led astray, Denise; you stick to the classics. What are you reading at the moment?"

"It's more of a picture book, really."

"There's no need to be embarrassed if it helps you with the words. I blame the schools; the whole system has gone to pot," he lamented. "It's not fair on poor little waifs, like you."

"You're absolutely right; do you know you can do film studies for A-level - I ask you."

"Our Trevor did that."

"Oh, sorry."

"No need to apologise: I didn't approve, but I was conspired against."

"It's the teacher's fault; they push soft subjects. I'm educating myself."

"What's your book called, then?"

"'Bridging - Normandy to Berlin'."

"That's an unusual title."

"I got it from Barnardo's for fifty pence. I think it may be a bit of a rarity; I'm hanging on to it."

"Travel books are very collectable. I've an old Baedeker."

"So have I - and lots of other stuff."

"Family treasures passed on to you, are they?"

"No, I like hoarding all sorts of junk."

"Denise means she has a vast assortment of Barbie dolls." Susie dug me in the ribs. "Isn't that right, Denise darling?"

"No, it's not - and 'Bridging - Normandy to Berlin' isn't a travel book, it's World War II military history."

"You're studying that at school, are you?"

"No, I'm a mathematician, but I won't bore you with that; I realise it's a specialised interest."

"I am more of an arts and literature man."

"Have you read Winston Churchill's 'History of the Second World War'?"

"Not in its entirety."

"The early volumes are the best; once the Americans take over, he loses interest and rushes through to the end. I think historians do that with the First World War as well. After the Kaiserschlacht, I don't think the British army gets the credit it deserves. What do you ..."

"Denise is a bit of a swot," Susie interrupted. "She can quote Schopenhauer - and in the original German."

Uncle Frank took a quick look across at me. "Don't let Susie upset you," he smiled. "Some of her humour can be quite cruel at times."

"I'm deadly serious." Susie pulled on my hair and hissed in my ear. "Will you stop your bloody Jeffreying and leave the double bluffing to me." She coughed and turned to her uncle. "Denise knows how to handle her umlauts." She gave me a nudge in the ribs "Go on, give your umlauts an outing - show them off to unk."

"I've told you not to call me that, Susie. You're as bad as your father with his 'our kid'. It's not appropriate for a man who's attained my position. It never was; I'm the elder brother."

"But he says you were a wimp and he always had to look after you." Susie leaned over again. "I'm putting my car on the line to change the subject and save you from yourself - behave!"

"It's rude to whisper, Susie."

"Sorry, I thought I'd upset Denise mentioning a bullying older brother."

"Your father's not a bully, Susie; he just has a greater physical presence. I've always been the thinker in the family and dealing with death on a daily basis has brought out even more of the philosopher in me."

"That's something you have in common with Denise; she does a lot of brooding and she's a very introverted girl." Susie gave me a dig in the ribs. "You wouldn't say boo to a goose, would you?"

"Not from you, Susie," I muttered, "but we'd better wait until we're alone."

"You'll be getting a spanking if you carry on like this," Susie hissed back. "I'll really Mary Poppins you."

"Don't care."

Uncle Frank was otherwise occupied negotiating a roundabout and ignored our little exchange.

"Bah!"

"Double bah!"

We turned off down a country lane and he carried on with his musings.

"I have some very deep thoughts; I don't expect Denise spends much time asking herself what are we here for - what's the purpose of life?"

"The purpose of life is to process information," I offered, before Susie could shush me.

"Is it? That's a new one on me."

"I thought it was obvious."

Uncle Frank pondered for a moment. "Ah, but what's the purpose of processing information?"

"I'm glad you asked me that ..."

"Enough, Denise - stop before you gives us brain ache."

"I don't think I'd have any difficulty keeping up with Denise under normal circumstances, but I've had a long hard day. I've sat through three excruciating renditions of 'My Way'."

"Three in a day?"

"Yes, Susie, it was an emergency; I had to take them on at short notice. There's been a rogue funeral director on the loose. He's left a trail of dud cheques before decamping; he even had the cheek to bounce one on me."

"I can sympathise with you there; it's awful being diddled, isn't it, Denise?"

"It's not the money, Susie," he sighed. "If you can't trust an undertaker, who can you trust? We're not estate agents."

"Ouch! - That was below the belt, Uncle Frank - dad would be really hurt."

"I'm sorry, Susie, having to step in and ransom a departed one's ashes from a swindled crematorium has knocked me sideways. One bad apple can bring the whole profession into disrepute."

"Carry on like that and people will start disposing of bodies off their own bat. What do you think, Denise?"

"Can we change the subject, Susie?"

"I'm sorry, Denise, it's my fault; this isn't the kind of thing I should be discussing in front of an innocent young girl. I've forgotten my manners; I hope you'll excuse me."

"It's okay, you weren't to know I've been witness to a few departures recently."

"Nobody close, I hope."

"Just passing acquaintances - mostly animals."

"Ask Denise one of your brain teasers, Uncle Frank - like how many radiograms in a gasometer - that'll take her mind of it."

"A bit of light relief, eh. Okay, you like sums - so what's ninety-nine and a half oranges times ninety-nine and a half oranges?"

"Nine thousand, nine hundred and a quarter squoranges."

"How did you do that, Denise?"

"A hundred minus a half times a hundred minus a half - then it's easy, Susie."

"Right."

"But wrong - there are no such thing as square oranges."

"Yes, there are - they've been genetically modified for more convenient packing."

"You'll have to do better than that, Uncle Frank. You can't catch out Denise with old chestnuts."

"Well, here's a new one you haven't heard before, Susie. Give me a proper sentence that ends with the word 'and'. No self-reference: things like - 'This sentence ends with the word 'and.' - not allowed."

Susie actually shut up and thought about it. I closed my eyes and we drove along in silence.

"Susie, please," Uncle Frank groaned.

"Sorry, it's gone as quiet as the grave in here." Susie gave me a shove. "Don't fall asleep, Denise, after the build-up I gave you."

"I'm thinking, Susie, don't disturb me."

"You were snoring."

"I never was."

"Don't fall out," Uncle Frank laughed. "You're never going to get it."

"That's because it's impossible," Susie snorted.

"No, it's not."

"What's the answer then?"

"I don't know. You'll have to wait until I get next month's Funeral Director and Mortician."

"Is that one of your incomprehensible jokes?"

"Certainly not, Susie - it was an extra little riddle on the crossword page; we all need some light relief."

"Has it a chess column?" I asked.

"No, why would it have?"

"Well, if it's got a puzzle section."

"Now you're doing the teasing, Denise."

"I'm not Susie. I've read the chess column in all granddad's old copies of The Field - and that's a magazine devoted to the shooting of birds and rabbits."

"I think your friend's trying to send me on a wild goose chase because she doesn't want to admit I've got her stumped," Uncle Frank chuckled.

"I'm not comfortable sitting here by the window. I can't concentrate with the hedges rushing by."

"What are you talking about, Denise?"

"You heard, Susie, I'm in no position to answer the question at the moment."

"All right, if that's what's holding you back, we'll swap over."

Susie bounced me on her lap and we changed places.

"Behave yourself, Susie, you're embarrassing Denise. You could learn a thing or two about female deportment from her. She looks like a pretty china doll sitting there."

"Thank you," I smiled, as I smoothed down my skirt. "I'm doing my best at the end of a hectic day."

"Susie, you shouldn't be so rough with Denise. Are you all right, my dear?"

"I'm fine; I'm used to being manhandled. And do you know an amazing thing has happened - the answer's popped straight into my head." I turned to Susie. "I'm surprised it didn't occur to you when you were sitting here."

I smirked at her and once again lapsed into silence.

"Denise has some fine qualities Uncle Frank, but she can be a smug little bugger."

"Susie, don't let your aunt hear you use words like that."

"Sorry, but sometimes Denise deliberately tries my patience."

"Do you know what you are, Susie?" I smirked.

"No, what am I?"

"The girl I'm sitting between your uncle and."

 

Chapter 55

"It can't be right," Susie persisted, as Uncle Frank showed us into the living-room. "Name one person who talks like that."

"Yoda."

"Which proves my point: that was alien speak. In the Queen's English correct it is not a sentence a preposition to end with."

"She's German - the language of floating prepositions - when she's off duty, she probably does it all the time."

Susie plonked herself on the sofa. "You can't convince me, Denise; it was a daft answer to a daft question."

"Pay no attention, dear, it was an excellent answer to an excellent question," Uncle Frank smiled. "We intellectuals can appreciate such things. Sit down and make yourself comfortable."

"Knees, Denise - we're not at home now," Susie reminded me.

"And bumps-a-daisy," I stuck out my tongue and gracefully settled alongside her.

"Splendid, Denise - follow my example and I'll be able to take you anywhere." Susie lay back and stretched out her legs. "This is the comfiest we've been all day, isn't it?"

"Yes, you must be glad to put your feet up - after all the moaning about the rock they've been between a hard place and."

"That makes even less sense," Susie snorted. "You're an English scholar, Uncle Frank, tell Denise she's talking pure gobbledygook."

He gave her a stern look. "You still aren't adult enough to admit when you're in the wrong; you always were a poor loser."

"I'm a good sport," Susie huffed. "Denise will vouch for that."

"She wouldn't if she'd witnessed your tantrums at the Monopoly board."

"It was a point of order; I don't believe anybody plays the way you do."

"I adhere to the original rules, as you should. Your time would be better spent studying them and not kicking up such a fuss when they go against you."

I smiled and sank back in the chair as Susie engaged in a recreational argument.

"I'm not the one who won't play unless they're the top hat - where's that in the rules?"

"It's a different thing, altogether," Uncle Frank spluttered. "A family tradition - I'm the top hat and your father's the boot."

"Then, I should be the racing car."

"Mikey's the car and you're the dog. You had first choice; you've no grounds for complaint."

"I didn't know any better then."

"You never do. Ever since, we've all had to endure your constant woofing whenever someone lands on your property."

"I've put those childish things behind me. I'm ready for something more grown-up."

"Next time, you can have the iron and Denise can have the thimble. That'd suit you, wouldn't it, dear?"

"I've always been the wheelbarrow since my granddad bought me one for Christmas. I liked to help him with the muck-spreading."

"Denise is getting a mini-tractor next year and I'm getting a car." Susie bounced up and down on the sofa. "Vroom! You'll see me driving before you see me ironing."

"You're too immature to be let loose on the road, Susie. You can never bear to give way. You'll meet disaster at your first roundabout. You can't make your own rules in real life."

"I know the Highway Code backwards."

"Knowing and obeying are two entirely different things as far as you are concerned. You're lacking in respect for established authority."

"Are you still upset because I beat you at Scrabble?"

"'Zas' is not a word whatever Google says. Slang devalues the whole game; Chambers is my Bible and that's the end of the matter."

"You have to move with the times. Dad has his own website - you'll be next."

"In my profession you deal with things eternal. What is new is not true and what is true is not new." He smiled and patted me on the head. "Isn't that right, little lady?"

"Absolutely," I nodded. "The Internet is the work of the devil. As I preach to Susie: Google is my washpot; over dot com will I cast out my shoe." I gave her a nudge. "Tell your uncle you've see the error of your ways."

"Hallelujah, I've been saved," Susie whooped. "I was a clickaholic, but Sister Denise has shown me the light. I'm a born-again bibliomaniac."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Susie. It's not nice to mock a serious little girl like Denise - especially when she applies her scripture knowledge to the modern world."

"I mock her not; Denise has become my primary source of information." Susie kissed me on the cheek. "I google her at every opportunity."

Uncle Frank gave a heartfelt sigh. "That's enough of your nonsense; I'll ring your dad and let him know you've arrived safely - or would you rather do it?"

"No, I think he pretty much has the full picture."

"I very much doubt it, Susie, but that's for him to sort out when you get home. Make yourselves comfortable, Aunt Rose will be in with your supper, directly."

"Oh, you needn't have bothered."

"Nonsense, I brought a lot of goodies home from the wake this afternoon; I don't like to see things go to waste. Give your aunt a few leftovers and she can work wonders."

"Where is Aunt Rose? I thought she'd be dying to tell me her latest news."

"She's not one hundred percent at the moment. You'll have to excuse her if she isn't her usual chatty self."

"We can give supper a miss, then. It won't do us any harm."

"Don't worry, it's nothing serious." Uncle Frank betrayed the slightest hint of a smile. "You might even find it something of a relief."

"Oh, how come?"

"She's forbidden to talk. A fishbone went down the wrong way an hour into the saga of Mrs Simpson's surgical stockings."

"Never!" Susie gasped. "I thought she'd perfected eating and speaking at the same time."

"Susie, it isn't funny. It was panic stations all round for a while. They had quite a job getting it out."

"Sorry, I was surprised, that's all; it's awful when only spit goes down the wrong way."

"Brunel got a half-sovereign stuck in his wind-pipe, Susie."

"What are you on about, Denise - was he your granddad's dog?"

"Not Bruno - Brunel: he accidentally swallowed one when he was doing a magic trick."

"I've never heard of him. Are you sure you don't mean Houdini? I saw a film about him. He ate keys - or was it a bicycle?"

"Keys, Susie, he could regurgitate them, at will, to use in his escapes."

"That was it - bit of a swizz if you ask me. Still, I'm sure there's someone who eats bikes for a living."

"Shush, Susie, let Denise tell her story."

"The great engineer - Isambard Kingdom Brunel ..."

"Who? I'm none the wiser - are you making this up?"

"Susie - listen and learn. Continue, my dear."

"They tried all sorts of ways to get it out and eventually did a tracheotomy, but that failed as well. Guess how Brunel solved the problem."

"Go on, amaze us. Brace yourself, Uncle Frank - if Denise is true to form, this may be grisly."

"I can't believe that of such a sweet little angel."

"She's turned my stomach on more than one occasion. I'm surprised she hasn't asked you for a good dead body anecdote."

"You aren't put off by the undertaking profession, then, Denise."

"No, I think of them as the fourth emergency service - right up there, ahead of the coastguards."

"That's most interesting - carry on, my lamb."

"He had a board pivoted between two uprights. They strapped him down on it and rapidly swung him head over heels. Eventually it was dislodged and he coughed it up."

"Just like shaking a money box: it's the first thing I would have done - hung him upside down over the banister."

"They had no success with that, Susie, they needed the extra force generated by circular motion."

"Ah, but it wouldn't have worked with something sharp like a fishbone; so it's a pretty pointless story - and lacking in gore."

"I thought it was another fascinating application of mechanics."

"That's an oxymoron, Denise and another one I definitely won't be trying."

"Take no notice, dear, it was most illuminating. You've a well-stocked mind - most unusual in a young girl. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by anyone before. Apart from you, Susie - and in not such a pleasant way."

"I promise I'll be on my best behaviour. Aunt Rose is okay, isn't she?"

"There's no permanent damage. We just have to communicate by sign language for the rest of the week."

"Perhaps she should have an early night; we'd be happy with a bowl of cornflakes."

"Your aunt wouldn't hear of such a thing. You eat up or she'll be terribly disappointed."

"We'll play cats and lick our plates clean, won't we, Denise."

"Girls can always leave a little on the side of their plate without giving offence. There's no need to secretly dispose of your food." He stroked a leaf of the giant aspidistra in the corner of the room. "We puzzled over the smell for weeks until we noticed Cleopatra was drooping. We thought Haggis had hidden a kipper somewhere."

"Who's Haggis?" Susie asked unblinkingly. "Has Trevor changed his name?"

"Haggis is a new member of the family. I'd better introduce you." He opened the door and shouted into the hall. "Here, boy."

I eased myself behind Susie as a daft looking mongrel padded into the room.

"Woof, woof."

"Say hello to Haggis; he was in danger of turning into a Greyfriars Bobby before I took pity on him."

The large shaggy dog loped forward and I sank even further back into the sofa.

"We don't have the best of relationships with our four-legged friends, do we, Susie?"

"Our behaviour towards them has been above reproach, Denise. We've always said 'nice doggy' while looking for a rock." She bent forward and greeted Haggis with a rub behind his ear. "Who's a good boy, then? Sssittttttttttt."

Haggis sat.

"There you are," Susie beamed in triumph. "He did it first go; I told you that bloody Wolf was deaf."

"Susie, you know we don't allow coarse language in this house."

"Sorry, Uncle Frank, I forgot. I've been coaching Denise for Pygmalion. She's a fine little actress. Say 'Not bloody likely' in Cockney, Denise."

"Nae bluidy likely."

"Not Lady Macbeth - Liza Doolittle."

"It's all right my dear, I've heard enough. Don't let Susie intimidate you. Come and make friends with Haggis before you have supper."

"I'd rather not. I'm a bit apprehensive around dogs."

"There's no need to be frightened of Haggis, it's only strange men he bites. I was told he had a run in with the dustbin men when he was a puppy and he's never been the same since."

"My dad was in the scrap metal business; I don't think I should risk it; he looks like he could be easily confused."

"You've no need to worry, Haggis has a very special nose on him. That dog holds the North West flounder record. He sniffed it out from the bottom of a tidal pool and landed it all on his own. He had his picture in 'Sea Fishing' - along with his late owner."

"Perhaps we should enter a few angling competitions, Denise, if they'll believe a story like that."

"The old chap was a man of the highest integrity. People are judged on their reputations, Susie - something you'd do well to remember."

"He looks a daft mutt to me."

"It's thanks to him, I'm happy to welcome you here. As I said, your eel antics had serious consequences. Aunt Rose would never rest easy tonight without Haggis's sweep of the bedroom for all things fishy."

"We've been around some strong smelling stuff earlier; I hope he doesn't report a false positive."

He gave Haggis a pat and urged him towards us. "Better let him get your scent, then."

The dog bounded forward, bypassed Susie and thrust a big wet nose up the front of my skirt.

"Oh, that's cold," I gasped.

"It's only his way of making friends."

"Look at his tail going," Susie laughed, "he must really like you."

"That's enough, boy. Come on, you shouldn't be in here when you're moulting, let's go and see if mother's got a little treat for you. I'll leave Susie in your charge, Denise," he smiled as they left the room. "I'll trust you not to let her get up to any mischief."

Susie closed the door after them. "Pompous bugger."

"Say what you like about your uncle, he's a fine judge of character." I ducked and pushed Susie back. "Do as you're told - sit down and be quiet."

"So far, so good." Susie sprawled out on the couch. "Come here and make yourself comfortable, Jeffrey."

"I'm trying - my clothes are sticking to me."

"What's the matter - haven't you dried out yet?"

"I almost had, but I've a new wet patch on my knickers."

"Shush, Denise, remember where we are - let's confine such talk to the bedroom."

"But it's dog snot, Susie."

"It won't do you any harm; the stuff is full of antibiotics."

"I thought that was dog spit."

"Snot - spit - it's all the same. It's why dogs lick their wounds - among other things."

"I read that's a cure for leg ulcers when all else fails; get a dog to give it a good licking three times a day. Another morsel for you from my well-stocked mind," I grinned.

"I think a bit more dizzy pussycat Denise and a bit less wise owl Jeffrey is called for. You were making Uncle Frank curious."

"Too bad - I'm not having people thinking Denise is slow. You started it, teasing me about Schopenhauer."

"There was no need to go mad; you'll have to learn to restrain yourself."

"You're the one who overdoes it. Telling your uncle we were on our way to the Pencil Museum."

"It's just the sort of thing that would appeal to you - especially if it was at the end of a fifty mile bike ride."

"He doesn't know that. He just thought you were being cheeky."

"Well, I like inventing stories and it's better than having him cross-examine us about what we've been doing."

"It's a dangerous strategy."

"I think it's a case of the more lies we tell the better. It all adds to the confusion."

"We'll trip ourselves up, but the trouble is," I sighed, "if we told the truth, no one would believe us."

"You may be right. There are times when I'm not sure myself whether I've done something or not. Do you ever get that feeling, Jeffrey?"

"Frequently, Susie."

"False memory syndrome - that's what we professionals call it."

"Well, now that I know, I won't worry about being deluded anymore."

"Give a thing a name and the problem's half solved, Jeffrey."

"Is that another of your half-baked theories?"

"There's nothing half-baked about them."

"They haven't met with much success so far."

"I just need to be more careful in my choice of subject. You have to admit I subdued Haggis, as big and fierce as he was."

"He was a gentle giant and a bit dopey."

"It's a funny name for a dog; he didn't look Scottish."

"There's a boy called Haggis at school; he goes around with the Hoover."

"I thought he was Hamish."

"No, Haggis: he's not Scottish either; I think it refers to him stuffing his stomach."

"I nearly bopped him for ignoring me. I shall have to get these nicknames sorted out before I commit a faux pas. What do I need to know, Jeffrey?"

"Starting with the teachers: there's Piggy Bacon, Oily Wragg and Wally One-ball."

"No explanations needed there - except perhaps for the last one and I don't think that's something two young ladies should discuss before dinner - carry on."

"Doctor Strabismus of Utrecht."

"I know this one - the nervy German teacher - she can't keep her pupils in order."

"Stinks Gerrard."

"He must be the chemistry teacher."

"No, she's French and Latin."

"It must be to do with her perfume, then."

"I certainly hope so. I've never asked; I've been too much of a gentleman."

"Of course, you have, Jeffrey."

"Then there's old Goose Grease and Fishy Salmon ..."

"Sorry that's not on the menu." Uncle Frank pushed open the door and ushered in Aunt Rose. "The smoked salmon was the first thing to go; the mourners had healthy appetites."

We jumped to our feet and Susie took the plates off her aunt. "Sorry about your accident - mum and dad will want to hear all about it on your next visit."

Her aunt nodded and managed a low croak.

"Careful, mother, don't undo all the good work." Uncle Frank put a finger to his lips. "I know this has been a traumatic experience for you."

"Just keep in mind that today's drama is tomorrow's anecdote," Susie sympathised.

"That was very nicely put, wasn't it, mother," Uncle Frank beamed. "Maybe you have learned something from Denise."

Susie smiled. "Come on, lambikins, show us how to be the perfect guest."

We sat down at the table and she pushed a heaped plate in front of me.

"Thank you very much, Mrs Jones, it's good of you to take so much trouble."

She nodded back and Susie introduced me. "This is Denise, my best friend. She's a gourmet."

I gave our hosts a weak smile.

"Then she'll appreciate your aunt's efforts."

"Denise is a game girl. She'll tackle anything - locusts, goat's milk, albatrosses, swans."

"Don't say that," I spluttered. "I wouldn't be surprised if you could be prosecuted for it."

"It's all right, Denise, we're well acquainted with Susie's wild imaginings. We can't offer you anything as exotic as that, but I don't think you'll be disappointed."

I hesitated. Susie forked in a mouthful of what I took to be chicken.

"Don't be shy, Denise, tuck in," Susie mumbled. "Aunt Rose has surpassed herself."

I followed suit. I chewed and smiled under their watchful eyes until the front door slammed.

Uncle Frank turned and grasped Aunt Rose by the arm. "You'll have to excuse us - the prodigal has returned. Come on, mother, I want a word with the boy before he decides to disappear again."

They left the room and I pointed at my overflowing plate. "Is there any hope they'll send in Trevor to eat his share?"

"I don't think he'll have much of an appetite when Uncle Frank's finished. Sometimes I feel really sorry for him."

"But not very often."

"You'll find out. A word of warning - be on the alert when you're around Trevor, he has a tendency to fall over people and pull down their skirts."

"He's a serial groper, is he?"

"No, just clumsy; he couldn't cross the Gobi desert without knocking something over. Don't whack him one - grin and bear it. Let's not have any fallouts in the family."

"You always tell me these things a little late in the day, Susie."

"That's because I don't like to cause you needless worry, Jeffrey."

"Thank you, Susie."

"Actually, I think Trevor will be getting strict instructions to be on his best behaviour towards you."

"So, I didn't make that bad an impression on your uncle."

"Quite the contrary: now I've had time to consider the matter more carefully, I think you're definitely a hot favourite in the daughter-in-law stakes."

 

Chapter 56

"You've got to be joking, Susie, I'm only fourteen."

"You're sixteen, Denise - and that's what you told Uncle Frank; you insisted we were the same age."

"He wouldn't have believed me; he thought you were my babysitter."

"You obviously convinced him otherwise with your intellectual prowess."

"No, I didn't."

"You must have done; he thinks you're of marriageable age."

"This is total fantasy; you haven't a shred of evidence."

"Why else would he sound out a young girl on her attitude to dead bodies?"

"That was just undertaker small-talk; it means nothing."

"He was sizing you up as a suitable mate for Trevor."

"Bloody nonsense!"

"He's looking to introduce some brains into the family, Jeffrey. I warned you about showing off."

"You never mentioned I'd be auditioning for the part of a child bride," I spluttered." Anyway, all I did was make polite conversation."

"And flatter him with the fourth emergency service rubbish."

"I was following orders; I got it from you."

"You didn't get your denunciation of the Internet from me. That really impressed Uncle Frank; he likes old-fashioned girls and old-time religion. A Bible reading, brainy beauty - he sees you as a great potential asset for the business."

"Why didn't you tell me he was a religious fanatic?"

"He's not - but he is fond of the Good Book. Maybe I've been missing a trick there: I should have a Biblical quote handy for the next time I'm up to my eyes in doodly-squat. I bet you know an appropriate one."

"You'll need nothing less than the wisdom of Solomon: 'My beloved put his hand in by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him' - how's that?"

"I don't think sooooooo, Jeffrey. That's not quite what I had in mind; you're trying to land me in more trouble."

"Pot - kettle, Susie - you'd better make it clear to Trevor exactly how things stand."

"Exactly?"

"You know what I mean."

"I'll do my best, but it's hard when you insist on working against me."

"This is your revenge because you're still smarting from the adept placing of my 'and'."

"Never," Susie grinned.

"Same here," I smiled back.

Susie put her hand on mine. "Trust me , Jeffrey, I'll keep you safe from any more of Uncle Frank's incongruous conjunctions."

"If we are blessed with Trevor's company, is there any way you could persuade him to dispose of this rotten meal."

Susie forked in another mouthful, pulled a face and swallowed it with a noisy gulp.

"Ugh - did I warn you about Aunt Rose's cooking?"

"Not directly, but Cleopatra, the biggest asp disaster in the world gave me a hint."

"That wasn't me, Jeffrey, mine went down the back of the sofa. I expect it's still there. Uncle Frank didn't seem too upset over the poisoning of his plant, so I thought I'd take the blame for that and then I can plead innocent of the next lot he finds."

"Can we put this in your bag?"

"As a last resort - just do your best for now."

"What is the white stuff, Susie?"

"I don't know. I was hoping it was chicken."

"That's what I thought, but it can't be unless it's a rubber one. I've been chewing for ages and it seems to be expanding. What's the correct etiquette - am I allowed to spit it out?"

"Roll it into a ball and swallow the thing whole, that's what I'm doing."

"Hell, Susie, there's never a dog under the table when you need one." I followed her advice and screwed up my eyes. "Oh, it's awful," I gulped. "I'm sure we're eating some poor animal's ligaments."

"Duck's feet - that's my best guess."

"I've tried the baked beans; I thought I'd be on safe ground with them, but they're all skins - where have the middles gone?"

"They're Lidl specials - from Ruritania or some such place - not your genuine Heinz beans."

"We had a school trip to their factory; they're canned in Wigan."

"But grown in America, Jeffrey - where proper food comes from. They're the real cowboy stuff - full of plumptiousness."

"Seeing as you're the food expert, what are the long crusty black things?"

"Sausages, I think." Susie gave them a poke with her knife. "We'll need a pair of nutcrackers to be sure. Then again, we may be eating a bicycle like what's-his-name, Houdini."

"No, that was a French chap, Monsieur Mangetout."

"I thought they were peas."

"They are - you eat the lot, pods and all. And that's what he did - he was a human recycling plant. He didn't stop at mere bicycles, he ate a whole aeroplane."

"What - a jumbo jet?"

"Don't be silly, Susie - it was a Cessna 150."

"I defer to your superior knowledge of gastronautics, Jeffrey. He must be the one who drank the seawater. We could do with him here right now."

"I wish you wouldn't make fiction out of my facts, Susie."

"No, you don't," she smiled. "I know it amuses you and I like to massage your ego by letting you correct me. I do it on purpose."

"One time out of ten maybe."

"Five at least - I think you may be underestimating me, Jeffrey."

"There's no danger of that, Susie."

"Ditto, Jeffrey."

"And Godot to you, Susie."

"Waiting for - Jeffrey. Nothing happens, nobody comes, nobody goes, it's awful. See, I knew it all the time."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I studied it for GCSE. Beckett is the Shakespeare of writers."

"Don't be absurd. You must have asked your uncle when you sent me back for the bag."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, because 'The Tempest' was the set play last year - that's one thing I'll never forget."

"Why not?"

"Well ... " I hesitated as Susie began to toy with the food on her plate. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making a face - go on."

"It's not that interesting; I'd rather watch your artwork."

"You can do both. Are you hiding something, Jeffrey?"

"Hardly," I sighed. "If you must know, the mangetout brain of an English teacher decided it would be an enlightening experience for the class if I acted Miranda. That's what she said, but I know different."

"It's only a bit part - and no snogging. Think yourself lucky you weren't doing Romeo and Juliet."

"Small comfort there - I hated reading aloud in class. I'd hunkered down in my desk as usual, but when Miranda was the only role left, I made the mistake of looking up. Our eyes met and I knew the silly sod had it in for me."

"She may have had the best of motives - that's the way they did things in ye olden days."

"No - it was her way of getting back at me for refusing to be Mustard Seed in the school play. She said she wanted to break down stereotypes by having a boy fairy."

"You can't really argue with her there, Jeffrey."

"Yes I can, Susie. She's a loony Australian feminist who's barely able to speak the Queen's English."

"You mean old Cobblers; the harpy with a face like a well-slapped arse - similar to the one on my plate."

I looked over at the finished offering. "An exact likeness - that's what you get for going around in a state of permanent indignation."

"It's a warning for us all, Jeffrey."

"Right - and she knows nothing about casting Shakespeare, either."

"Who did she choose for your Ferdinand?"

"Robbie - I'm sure her daft little game first sowed the idea in his head."

"Watered it, Jeffrey."

"Whatever, he'd never talked to me about anything except his rugby exploits before, but after that he started commenting on my hair."

Susie put out her arm and gave it a stroke. "Such stuff as dreams are made on."

"That's exactly what he said. I wish I'd known then, what I know now."

"You encouraged him, did you?"

"Never! I'm used to mum admiring my hair; she's always liked it long. So I thought nothing of Robbie's compliments - only that maybe he was interested in a career as a barber."

"A likely story - next thing, you'll be telling me you believe there are fairies at the bottom of your garden."

"All I know about the little people is that goblin's not good for your elf." I shoved my plate away. "I've completely lost my appetite with all this talk of Robbie - I'm definitely not swallowing a sausage whole."

Susie rearranged her food into a hill. "I've eaten as much as I can, as well. There seems to be more than we started with."

"How are we going to dispose of the rest of this garbage?"

"I suppose I'll have to make a mess of my bag - and your shoes."

"Open the door and give Haggis a shout; perhaps he'll do us a favour."

"You heard what Uncle Frank said - he's not allowed in here when he's moulting."

"You're worried about getting into trouble - I don't believe it. Go on, we can blame the dog; we'll say he must have learned to open the door."

"He didn't look that smart. We had to let him in because he was scratching at the paintwork sounds more believable."

"Hurry up then, before they come back."

Susie went over and opened the door a fraction. "Haggis," she hissed. "Come on, boy."

I threw over a large piece of the white stuff. "Tempt him with this."

Susie caught it and dangled it outside.

"Ow! He nearly had my hand off."

"Never mind that, drag him in here."

She didn't have to. Haggis pushed past her and bounded over to the table.

"You feed him - he lacks manners. I'm keeping my fingers well out of the way."

I threw the rest of the meat on the floor and Haggis wolfed down the lot.

"What about the other stuff? I don't think dogs should eat beans, Susie - or potatoes for that matter."

"How about sprouts and hard-boiled eggs?"

"Definitely not."

"We'll see." Susie tossed an egg to Haggis. "Down the pudding chute, boy."

It vanished in one gulp and he begged for more.

"He's not a very discriminating eater, Susie; we'd better not try him with any more; we may be building up to an explosion."

"Dogs know by instinct what's good for them. Anyway, I'm sure I've read somewhere about vegetarian dogs. Let's see if he'll eat the sprouts."

I pushed the remains of my meal across to Susie. "Go on, give him the lot. But I think we should leave first thing in the morning before any consequences work their way through."

Susie put both our plates on the floor. "Wolf it down, Haggis - good boy."

The dog bounded over and disposed of the stuff as if he was in an eating contest.

"It seems a bit of a mean trick - he's a friendly fellow."

"He won't suffer, Jeffrey - dogs like to fart. It's a form of social bonding with them."

"I must admit I've never seen a dog hold its nose."

"What puzzles me is why he didn't swallow that flounder he was supposed to have caught. I knew it was a fisherman's tale."

"They're an awkward shape. And it was a record; it was probably as big as a dustbin lid."

"Woof."

Haggis came over and raised his front paws onto the table.

"Look, Jeffrey, he knows we're talking about him; he's wagging his tail. He's enjoyed having a bit of variety in his diet and he's asking for more."

"Well, he's had the lot."

"Give him a banana - that'll top things off nicely."

"We don't want to make him sick. The one thing Monsieur Mangetout couldn't stomach was bananas and hard-boiled eggs - so we may be pushing our luck."

"I saw a picture where someone ate fifty hard-boiled eggs, all at one go."

"That's physically impossible."

"It was there in black and white, Jeffrey - a true-life story. You can't argue with Hollywood."

"I wish you'd get your information from more reliable sources, Susie. However good your filing system is, it still falls prey to rubbish in - rubbish out."

"Like your man eats aeroplane. That's what I call straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel."

"It took him two years and he washed it down with mineral oil and water."

"Shut up and give Haggis a banana before he writes his name on the table. That's something else I'll be blamed for."

"I suppose it'll be all right if he doesn't eat the skin."

"It'll be good for him; he probably hasn't been getting enough fruit. Go on - and if he likes it, we can use one to lure him out of the door."

I went over to the sideboard and unpeeled a banana. Haggis had it out of my hand in a flash and it disappeared in one guzzle.

"I wonder why dogs don't get indigestion swallowing things whole like that."

"He's a marvel, Jeffrey. I'm sure if you stood on his foot, the top of his head would flip up."

Susie went across and opened the door. "Throw a couple outside or we'll never get rid of him."

"We're overloading him, Susie."

"He's a big dog; there's plenty of room in there. He hasn't even burped."

"Get ready, then."

I threw a salvo of four bananas in quick succession.

"Sic 'em, boy," Susie urged.

Haggis followed the first banana to the door, gobbled it up, and then gave chase as I flung another one over his head into the hall.

"Ow! What's that? Down, boy, I don't want your hairs all over my best suit."

"Oh, bugger - who's outside?"

"Quick, get the plates back on the table," Susie hissed.

I scooped them up before jumping back in alarm as the door was flung open.

"Ooooooeeeerrr, bloody hell."

A young man skidded in and hit the floor with a mighty thump.

"Aaaaargh."

He raised himself half up before he was knocked back again as Susie slammed the door.

"Aaaaargh - my dose."

The door rebounded and hit him on the way back.

"Aaaaargh - my head."

"Guess who, Denise?"

"He can't even carry himself over a threshold," I whispered.

The young man sat up and adjusted his glasses. "Hello, Susie."

"Hi, Trevor."

 

Chapter 57

"What are you doing down there?"

"I slipped on a bloody banana and tripped over that daft dog when he tried to eat my shoe. Quick, shut him out before he has another go."

Susie kicked the door closed.

"You're safe ..."

"Aaaaargh."

"What's the matter now?"

"Why can't you be more careful? You nearly tore off my ear this time."

"But otherwise, you're okay?"

Trevor got to his feet, shaking his head and rubbing his bottom.

"No, I'm not; I think I've broken my coccyx."

"You should be more careful. Don't worry, your legs are twitching - it'll only be a bruise. You'll have a beetroot bottom to go with your cauliflower ear."

"It's worse than that - I'm bleeding - I feel all wet and sticky."

"You were sitting on a banana - two bananas, in fact."

Trevor licked his fingers. "You're right. Bugger, that's my second suit today. I had a slight contretemps with a tin of emulsion earlier on."

"You should have been watching where you were going. What happened - wasp behind the spectacles again?"

"I was standing perfectly still. I turned the blinking thing upside down and would you believe it - the lid fell off. I could jolly well sue B&Q for damages."

"You should have insisted on seeing the manager straight away; you might have got a gift voucher as a goodwill gesture."

"I didn't get chance; security threw me out. They said hoodies weren't welcome - hadn't I read the sign? Blooming cheek! I was wearing an alpine hat ..."

"An alpine hat?"

"Yes, with a pheasant feather - and carrying an umbrella. You can't get much more hoodieless than that."

"Why were you looking at the bottom of the can?"

"To see the best before date; I've been caught out that way before."

"What did you want it for - you weren't thinking of painting the bath again, were you?"

"No! It was on special offer. I was browsing; I like wandering around D.I.Y stores when I've nothing to do. I won't be going there again, though; they threatened to prosecute me."

"But you came away without a stain on your character - apart from the suit."

"And the hat - I was sorry to lose that, but at least it saved my hair."

"You were holding it above your head."

"Not at first - I ..."

"Never mind - I've got the picture."

Trevor licked his fingers again. "It said magnolia on the tin, but it tasted just like this banana. I had a couple of scoops; it was quite moreish."

"They must have mislabelled it."

"Spot on - that explains why it was so cheap. I can't see it being fashionable to paint your room banana; I had a lucky escape there."

He had a suck on his thumb and looked up at the ceiling.

"Is he okay?" I whispered.

"Yes, he's a perfect specimen; all we need is a brain, Igor."

"I think he may have concussion, Susie - ask him about something else."

"How's your foot, Trevor?"

"Oh, that." He stopped licking his lips and staring absentmindedly into space. "Good as new - no thanks to you."

"It really was an accident."

"Don't worry - it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. The same weekend, Charlotte's horse stood on her foot."

"Who's Charlotte?"

"The senior partner's daughter. We were in plaster together; it was the perfect ice breaker." He paused, had a furtive look around and whispered. "By the way, if the subject ever comes up outside this house, I broke my foot skiing."

"Hence the alpine hat."

"And my sudden fondness for Toblerone. I got lucky at B and M; I found some in foreign packaging with that funny Greek writing, so I said I'd brought them back with me from the Alps. They tasted a bit odd, though."

"A failed export order, past their sell-by-date - you should have turned them upside down."

"They weren't bad - just different - like that emulsion paint. The funny thing is I've acquired a taste for broccoli, as well. What do you think it is, Susie?"

"You're pregnant."

"I can't be. That's impossible, isn't it?"

"A sympathetic pregnancy, then."

"Don't even whisper such things, Susie; I can't afford a breath of scandal in my new position - her dad's my boss."

"The senior partner in what?"

"Farmer, Giles, Ormeroyd and Ormeroyd - he's an Ormeroyd."

"They're solicitors, are they?"

"Right, and I'm a junior clerk; well, more of a messenger, really. I'm having to start from the bottom, because a degree in media studies isn't much use for conveyancing. I'm hoping it'll stand me in good stead when I'm council for the defence."

"I thought you were destined to follow in your father's footsteps."

"So did dad - he doesn't think I can make a success of anything on my own. He's determined to make me carry on the family firm, but I'll show him."

"You would be set up for life in the death business."

"Too much so - dad has the idea of a dynastic marriage for me with a florist's daughter, Thwelma Thwistlethwaite."

"Thweally, Thwevor."

"It's not funny, Susie, I can never get her name out right. Dad thinks I do it on purpose."

"What about your hay fever - doesn't he realise your life will be one long sneeze?"

"It's getting worse - washing-up liquid sets me off now. And I think it's affecting my sense of smell; why else would I be eating broccoli." He shrugged his shoulders and gave a forlorn sigh. "Dad says I'll grow out of such things once I'm married and settled in a career."

"You'll have to show some gumption and stand up for yourself before it's too late - take the initiative."

Trevor brightened and looked appealingly at Susie. "As a matter of fact, you could be just the person to help me. It hasn't been going as smoothly as I hoped with Charlotte - and getting paint on her dress has knocked me back even further."

"I don't think that's a good idea; I'd rather stick to giving general advice. I wouldn't want to upset your dad at the moment. Besides, I have my hands full looking after Denise." Susie pulled me forward. "Don't be shy, say hello to Trevor."

"Hi, Trevor."

"Hi, Denise -it's okay, dad's warned me not to fall over you. Your father's not an undertaker, is he?"

"No, he was a scrap metal merchant and mum's a policewoman - and I'm fourteen."

"Fine, fine - couldn't be better - 'scuse banana," he grinned, holding out his hand.

"And saliva," Susie scolded. "What are you thinking of, Trevor? She smacked away his sticky paw."

"Ow, there was no need for that," he yelped.

"You mustn't blame, Susie," I excused, "She's overprotective of me."

"Really? That doesn't sound like Susie and I've the scars to prove it. I hope you know what you're letting yourself in for, going around with her. She's always up to something; what is it this time?"

"We're both on our best behaviour," I replied cautiously.

"Dad doesn't think so," he winked. "I'm supposed to be keeping my eyes and ears open."

"You'd be useless as a spy; you hardly know the difference between fact and fiction, as it is," Susie snorted.

"I know you've been the perfect guests," he smiled. "Not a scrap left - those plates look like they've been licked clean."

"Haggis insisted; he wouldn't leave us alone."

"It's all right; I'm doing the washing up; no one will be any the wiser." He tapped his nose with his finger and left a blob of banana there. "You may be able to do me a favour in return."

"I said 'no', Trevor."

"It'll appeal to you," he smirked as he gathered up the plates. "I'll have to tell you later; the size twelve, parental hobnails are approaching. I'm making myself scarce or dad will be on at me again."

"Don't go and leave us at his mercy. I don't want him to frighten Denise with a story of premature burial."

"Shush," I hissed, as the door handle turned.

"Susie, Susie, I'd never do that." We both welcomed Uncle Frank into the room, with a smile. "I recognise a sensitive soul when I meet one. I wouldn't have got where I am today if I wasn't sympathetic to people's feelings."

"Sorry, it's just that I know it's one of your favourite creepy tales and Denise takes everything so seriously. I don't want her to have nightmares."

"You've no need to worry; I realise those stories are not to everyone's taste. I confine my shop-talk to people I'm certain will be entering the business."

Trevor juggled the plates and stumbled towards the door. "Excuse me, dad, I told mum I'd help her make up the bed in the spare room. It takes two to get a cover on a duvet when one can't talk."

He barged past his father and was out of the room before he could object.

"Trevor's in the wrong job and to make things worse he thinks he's in love," Uncle Frank sighed. "He'll be grateful I'm here for him when his world comes crashing down."

"Father knows best that's what I've come to realise; I'm going to be guided by dad in future," Susie solemnly intoned. "What did he say, by the way, is everything all right at home?"

"Your father's relieved I've confirmed you were where you said you were."

"And not where I'm not."

"You understand precisely what I mean."

"We've kept him fully informed; he forgets things."

"You may be right. He insisted I was the one who had mixed up Denise and Jeffrey."

"Isn't that what I told you in the first place? He's had his arm in a sling all week; having to use the phone and speak left-handed must be confusing him even more."

"There's more than a grain of truth in what you say. All that rugby playing is no good at his time of life. He should be concentrating on mental exercise to preserve his brain cells."

"Did you know millions of them die every day in people your age?"

"Not if you take remedial measures. I give mine a daily workout with the Times crossword - the cryptic one, of course - and I've noticed no fall-off in my ability."

"You'll probably suffer a sudden collapse, instead of dad's slow decline."

"I don't think so: an assortment of puzzles and Countdown every afternoon keep my little grey cells in tip-top shape."

Susie glanced at the paper on the chair. "You've hardly managed any of today's."

"Because I haven't had a moment to myself; I'll soon polish it off." He looked across at me. "I do it in biro, Denise dear."

He took out an expensive gold pen, sat down and immediately began writing.

"You're putting anything down to impress us; nobody can solve them that quick."

"It was a buried word - that's the first clue a beginner should look for; it's an easy starter."

"I can never work any out. It's all Dutch to me," Susie moaned. "In fact, when I see the answer I'm sure it's double Dutch."

"You just need to learn the conventions. Here, let me give you an example."

"No don't, please."

"Try this - 'If pushed, may turn blades against blades' - four and five. What do you suppose that could be, Susie?"

"I don't know."

"Think, girl - what do blades suggest?"

"Knives."

"It's never the obvious. You have to think laterally not literally."

"Forks."

"They don't have blades."

"Spades, then."

"You're getting the idea, but not very likely in this case. Regency young bucks and duelling with swords are the things that spring to my trained mind. Two different sort of blades - do you see?"

"No. This is more Denise's sort of thing. She could eat alphabet soup and shit you the answers."

"Susie! Apologise at once - to me and your friend."

"Lawn mower - how's that," I interrupted, "it's five and four."

"Good girl - that's better than your feeble efforts," he glared at Susie. "Denise is a little trier. You have the right attitude," he smiled at me, "but you can't put down random words."

"Why isn't it lawn mower?"

"It's all to do with double-meanings, dear; if it was lawn mower, there'd be some reference to a goat or maybe a sheep."

"Put down bull shite - that's four and five."

"No, it's lawn mower, Susie."

"Blades of grass," Uncle Frank murmured. "You're right - a double meaning, just like I said. That was a good guess, Denise."

"It wasn't a guess - read out another."

"All right - and I won't help you this time. Here's a nice short one - 'Frontal enhancement' - four hyphen three."

"Boob-job."

"Denise," Susie laughed, "you're becoming obsessed with them. Be patient and you won't need one."

"I'm right, aren't I?" I blushed.

"Yes, it fits with the 'j' of ejaculate and the 'b' of rub."

"Hang on, I'm getting the idea of this." Susie put her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "I've formed a mental picture of whoever set this crossword. I bet it's not boob-job, but ..."

"That's enough, Susie - the editor must have let some rogue clues slip through. I think I'll leave the rest for now. I'll give Denise a real tester; see if you can solve this old classic, dear."

He scribbled some letters on the side of his paper and passed it over. 'HIJKLMNO' - I read.

"Water."

"You must have seen it before."

"No, she hasn't," Susie crowed. "Denise eats lots of fish. She's getting oodles of the right brain chemicals. You'd be better off following her example than bothering with this nonsense."

"I'm not a believer in faddy diets, Susie; I take a balanced approach in all things. An example you'd do well to follow."

"Have you tried sudoku to keep your deductive powers intact? It would give you a bit of variety. I've written a program that does the lot. It churns them out like nobody's business."

"Don't show off, Denise, you'll give Uncle Frank the wrong impression. You know it's the computer that does all the work; you only click the mouse."

"No, I bloody don't. Oops, pardon my Pygmalion."

"You're excused, dear, I expect you've had a very trying day with Susie. Don't be upset, I believe you're an ace little typist."

"I can send you a copy. Five pounds a book they charge in the shops - it's daylight robbery."

"That's a very kind offer, but I like to wallow in the richness of the English language. I find sudoku rather soulless."

"I don't suppose you're keen on the Countdown numbers game, either."

"I've often wondered about that. A girl who dresses in short skirts and wears such high heels can't really be good at sums. Do you think she has a man hidden in there somewhere to help her?"

"I've written a program for that, as well. You'd be ..."

"Will you stop it, Denise - Uncle Frank's going to wonder what I'm doing going around with Madam Curie."

"She had nothing to do with computers."

"It's science; it's the same thing. Don't be so pernickety - and stop swanking."

"You've met your match in Denise and not before time," Uncle Frank smirked. "Your dad will be surprised; he was banking on someone from the rugby club finally putting you in your place."

"He's seen the error of his ways." Susie snorted. "I'm not available for a dynastic marriage. It's not the Barretts of Wimpole Street at our house."

"That's completely the opposite, Susie, she wanted to marry a poet and her dad wouldn't let her."

"I don't mean literally, Denise, but it's the same difference. Why do you always want to get bogged down in irrelevant details?"

"Because unlike you, Susie, she has respect for the facts. I have to admit I find it hard to understand why clever little Denise is going around with an airhead like you. What have you got in common?"

"More than you could ever imagine. And apart from that, she's not the only one who knows science stuff. Watch this - I'll give you a practical demonstration."

Susie swept a porcelain figurine of the mantelpiece.

"Be careful with Brenda - she's genuine Meissen. She's one of Aunt Rose's family heirlooms."

"All the better - a valuable, pretty china doll, eh, Denise."

"Put her down, Susie, before there's another unfortunate accident."

"Here Denise cradle her in your arms and stick out your foot."

Susie bent down and started untying my shoe.

"Are you sure about this?"

"You said it was foolproof."

"Not if you do it in a temper. You'll make a complete horlicks of it. Calm down and think of your car."

"If this goes wrong, you'll be forking out for both shares." Susie stood up with my lace. "Now, what's next?"

"Why don't you just explain the theory to your uncle? That would be just as impressive."

"I'm a hands-on person, Denise, you know that. Why are you getting cold feet? I thought you had an unswerving belief in science."

"I have my limits - just do it right."

Susie dug in her bag. She came out with a pen and pulled off the top.

"Will that be okay for the light object?"

"Fine - as long as you tie it tight."

"What exactly are you up to, Susie? This makes no sense."

"That's because you aren't scientifically literate like we modern girls. Your role is to observe and gasp in astonishment."

"I've done that on many occasions with you, Susie."

"Well, this time will be different, won't it, Denise?"

"I sincerely hope so."

"It had better be; I've already lost my no claims bonus thanks to you, Susie. Not only that, they declined to take my word for it; they had the cheek to send a young whippersnapper round to inspect the damage."

"I wouldn't worry, Mr Jones, this probably isn't Meissen at all - just a cheap copy."

"What do you mean?" he spluttered. "It has the crossed swords."

"All the factories around there put them on. Don't you watch the Antiques Road Show? Appearances can be deceptive."

"Not in this case, Denise, it's old and has great sentimental value."

"That's all it has, because Meissen or not, the head's been glued on."

Uncle Frank went a little pink and his nose twitched. "Shush, dear, I wouldn't want to upset mother."

Susie finished tying on the pen top and held out her hand. "Let's have a look, Denise."

I passed Brenda over to Susie. "You've done a good job there, unk. What was it - a careless elbow?"

"The head came off when I picked her up; I don't know how it happened."

"You should always use two hands on delicate china - with one on the bottom - right, Denise?"

"That's the expert's way, Susie."

"It's a very professional repair job, though."

"A little mortician's wax blended in nicely. It took me a whole afternoon - for goodness sake be careful."

"Around the neck wouldn't be a good idea, Susie; there will be a slight jerk."

"And it would be unseemly, anyway." Susie dropped the slipknot she had made over Brenda's waist pulled it tight and stretched the lace out over the pen.

"I don't know what you're up to, but this has gone far enough - give it here, this minute."

Uncle Frank sprang up and made a grab for his precious piece of pottery.

"Too late." Susie skipped back out of range. "Da-da! Don't blink or you'll miss it."

She steadied herself and let go of Brenda.

"No, not that!"

Uncle Frank instinctively dived forward and didn't watch where he was putting his feet.

"Ooooooeeer!"

A highly polished shoe said hello to a leftover piece of banana.

"Aaaaaaahhh!"

He skidded out of control and came down flat on his back.

Thuuuummmp!

"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhh!"

Susie ignored her horizontal uncle and stared wide-eyed at the swinging ornament.

"Bloody hell, Denise, it worked like magic."

"No, it's mechanics, Susie."

She dangled Brenda over Uncle Frank's nose as he writhed on the carpet.

"Did you see how the lace wrapped itself around the pen - isn't science wonderful?"

"Oooowwww!"

Uncle Frank had attempted to get up, only to again fall flat on the floor.

Susie hauled in Brenda. "Well done, girl, you're a credit to your sex - and you Denise."

"Oooowwww!"

"Are you okay down there, sir?" I asked.

"I'm stuck - my back's gone into spasm. Being a pallbearer puts a lot of wear and tear on the vertebrae. It's an occupational hazard."

"Maybe you can claim for an industrial injury," Susie suggested. "Did you get anything for Trevor's foot?"

"That's the least of my worries; I've another three funerals tomorrow. You've really done it this time, Susie."

"It wasn't my fault. Everything worked to perfection. Look - Brenda's safe on the mantelpiece."

"Bugger bloody Brenda."

"Uncle Frank!" Susie clasped her hands over my ears. "What are you saying?"

"I'm sorry, Denise dear; I'm at the end of my tether. I've a big day tomorrow; I can't let people down."

"You'll probably be able to shuffle along after a good night's rest. My granddad has the same problem, but he always manages to soldier on."

"That's right, you have to be philosophical about these little things that are sent to try us. We've learnt that today, haven't we, Denise?"

"I think actions not words are called for, Susie; we should be helping your uncle."

"We'd better get Trevor to assist with the lifting."

"No, don't do that - and don't worry your aunt, either. It may ease off in a few minutes."

"Don't worry, Denise will know what to do. You'll figure out a way to get Uncle Frank up and undertaking again, won't you, dear?"

"Yes, Susie."

 

Chapter 58

"One, two - heave, Denise."

"Stop shoving and follow my lead. I'm the one going backwards - as usual. I'm only surprised you didn't make me wear the high heels."

"Mind the step and give the door a whack with your backside."

We safely negotiated our way into the hall and Susie kicked the inner door shut behind her.

"What a farce - this is all your fault," I whined, as we paused at the foot of the stairs. "Blooming Internet - it really is the work of the devil; why couldn't you keep your mouth shut?"

"How was I to know he'd take me seriously? It was a joke."

"Googled it for dad, when he ricked his back golfing, you said. A miracle cure, but he was too much of a baby to give it a try - you never know when to stop."

"You started it. Jeffrey. Telling him your granddad slept on the sideboard after he fell off a tractor. I didn't believe it for a moment."

"I was only trying to help. You were heading for disaster with 'We'll all laugh about this someday'. That and giggling away behind your hand."

"You couldn't keep a straight face, either; it's a natural reaction. There's nothing funnier than an authority figure falling on their arse."

"In that case, it'll be bloody hilarious if I trip and this coffin chases you down the stairs, Susie."

"Well, make sure you don't; I've been run off my feet more than enough today, thank you."

"With your luck, you'd probably surf to the bottom with not a hair out of place."

"It's not luck - it's quick thinking on my part."

"Maybe - but how your uncle swallowed your baloney about sleeping in a coffin working wonders for a bad back, I'll never understand. What on earth inspired you to say that?"

"If he hadn't been afraid of falling off the sideboard, I doubt I would have mentioned it. It just seemed the obvious way for him to safely spend a night flat out."

"The whole thing's peculiar; the way his attitude changed completely."

"It's a gift I have. I'm able to home in on people's secret desires. You should appreciate that, more than anyone, Denise. He has a compulsion to wear a coffin like you have a ..."

"Shut up and lift."

"Mind the banister. Uncle Frank has an eagle-eye for scratches."

"He'll only have himself to blame, Susie. He could still have slept downstairs."

"Show some compassion, Denise. He struggled up to the bedroom on his hands and knees. It was quite touching how he was determined Aunt Rose wouldn't have to spend the night alone."

"All down to you and the dead eel business."

"There's more to it than that; she's a very clingy person."

"Thank God, he had the sense not to let us carry him up - another of your inspired suggestions."

"I was only showing willing. I thought Trevor was a certainty for the job - and this. He's using the foot excuse to skive off. Where did his limp suddenly come from?"

"I heard that." Trevor appeared at the top of the stairs. "Don't you go questioning my gammy leg in front of dad."

"Out of the way. I don't want an accident-prone bugger like you anywhere near us. Get back in there and do some comforting."

"I can't; the conversation took an awkward turn. He's asking about the banana; he's seen the remains on my pants."

"Well, own up, it's the least you can do."

"Why should I? This is all your fault."

"It's what a true gentleman would do - ask Denise. Now, move it - we're on our way."

"Okay, I'll try and blame it on the dog, but you owe me."

Trevor slunk back along the landing and we edged up the stairs.

"Hey, this is getting heavy," Susie gasped. "I'm taking all the strain. I'd be better off up your end, Denise."

"It's too late now; you should have thought of that before. Hold on - only a couple more steps."

"Aaarrrghhh! Get him away from me, Trevor."

The cry startled me and I turned my head and looked along the landing.

"Aaahh, Denise - don't let go. What's going on up there?"

There was a loud yelp and Haggis bounded out of the bedroom and rushed towards me. I had one foot hovering over the top step when we collided.

"Watch it, Susie!"

I stumbled off balance; Haggis shot past and carried on downstairs.

"Ooooooeeeerrr!"

"Ooooooeeeerrr!"

"I'm going backwards, Jeffrey."

"So am I, Susie."

"But you haven't a bloody big coffin coming after you."

She grabbed the banister and attempted to run in reverse down the stairs.

"Get out of the way."

Susie flung herself to the left off the bottom step and tumbled into the vestibule door.

"Oooowwww!"

Baaaannnng!

The coffin carried straight on and crashed into a cupboard under a small front window.

"Are you all right?" I yelled, as I dashed down the stairs.

"I'll have a coccyx to match Trevor's. That's the third time today I've landed on my bum."

I gave Susie a hug and a quick kiss. "God, you were almost crushed by a runaway coffin. What a way that would've been to end the day. It's a good job you kept your wits about you."

"It needed some pretty nifty footwork, Jeffrey, but I was up to it. Running downstairs backwards takes some doing."

"Another one of your many gifts: no doubt, it'll be an asset if you ever take up kick-boxing."

"Jeffrey!"

"Sorry, just nervous relief - are you all shook up?"

"I'm okay - but we'd better check what damage I've done this time."

We stepped into the alcove and slid the coffin away from the cupboard.

"There's only a bit of a dent, Susie."

"Come on, if we get it back upstairs, they'll never know."

"Wait, I'll try and push the dinge out from behind."

I bent down, tugged the door open and heard a gentle hissing sound.

"What's that smell, Jeffrey?"

"All the meters are in here, Susie and the gas one is on the floor at the front." I ran my hand over the pipe. "The joint's leaking; I can feel it escaping."

"Bugger, bugger and double bugger - we'll have to evacuate the house in the middle of the night. This'll be another big black mark for me. That bloody coffin's going to put the final nail in my hopes of getting a car. Think of something, Jeffrey - what are we going to do?"

"That's easy - turn it off at the mains." I reached further into the cupboard and pushed the big lever over.

The hissing ceased and I stepped back.

"Is it safe now?"

"Perfectly: it just means they'll have no gas for a bit. I don't suppose it'll go down very well with your uncle when you tell him, but it's not a disaster."

"Hang on, owning up to something will set a dangerous precedent. Maybe we can arrange for them to discover it after we've left."

"We can't keep quiet about a gas leak; the whole house might go up."

"I thought you said it was perfectly safe."

"It is for now, but we shouldn't walk away and say nothing."

"Well, we needn't mention it right away - best not to cause any more upset. We'll tell Trevor just before we leave in the morning. Let him sort out things."

I knocked the dent out of the door and carefully closed it. "There, almost as good as new."

Susie stepped back and considered for a moment. "If I didn't know any different, I'd say Trevor must have accidentally kicked it when he was cleaning the window. I wouldn't be surprised if that pipe had been leaking for ages."

"We can say we smelt gas and turned it off as a precaution."

"That's all they need know. It'll just be a slight inconvenience. Uncle Frank is insured for accidental damage."

"'Gas meter smashed by out of control coffin' isn't something I'd like to put on a claims form, anyway - not coming so soon after 'Car reversed into greenhouse'. They may see a slightly suspect pattern emerging."

"Uncle Frank could get away with it. He'll just have to be careful Aunt Rose doesn't accidentally fall under a tram in the next six months."

"Susie!"

"Only joking - they're a devoted couple."

"I should think so; sometimes you go too far."

"I'm always considerate of others. The way I look at it, we're doing Haggis a big favour; if we told the truth, he'd be in real trouble."

"I fear he may already be in the doghouse; the way he shot past us with his tail between his legs. I think he may have left a message in the bedroom."

"Come on, we'll soon find out the worst. We'll just have to hope no one's keen on inspecting dog sick too closely."

"I'll take the bottom this time - let's get up there."

"Careful, Denise, Trevor's crawling around in here - don't get him under your feet."

I looked through the door and saw a backside, followed by a towel and a bucket, working its way towards us.

"Go left, Susie, there's a trail of something nasty on the floor."

We lowered the coffin onto a clear patch of carpet, straightened up and watched Trevor wipe away the remaining yellow blobs.

"Someone's been careless with their custard, Denise."

"It's dog sick," Uncle Frank erupted from where he was lying flat out at the foot of the bed. "What have you to say about this, Susie?"

"You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" he snorted.

"I don't know; it somehow seemed appropriate. Custard - omelette - what's the difference? If that's the stuff you've been feeding him, you can't blame Haggis."

"I haven't and I don't. The old fellow was sympathising with my plight; I tickled him under the chin and my reward was a face full of banana. I think I'm owed an explanation."

Susie gave me an encouraging pat on the bottom. "This is one for you, Denise, don't keep us on tenterhooks. All the suspects are assembled: what's your solution to the case of the dog that barfed in the night?"

"It's elementary, Susie, you only have to look at Haggis to see he has a lot of the wolf in him. The devoted dog obviously mistook your uncle's tickling for a cub licking his face; that triggered his regurgitation reflex and he generously offered to share his last meal."

"There you are - Denise has come up trumps about Haggis's dumps," Susie grinned. "You brought it on yourself; if only you'd known as much about handling dogs as we do; you've paid the price of ignorance."

"I can put two and two together. Who's been feeding Haggis bananas and leaving them lying around on the floor?"

"I'm sorry that was me, dad," Trevor confessed from halfway out of the door. He gave Susie a meaningful look before continuing. "Haggis jumped up and knocked it out of my hand."

"Don't go blaming the poor dog - he's more brains than you. I haven't forgotten the dead seal incident."

"He was frantic to roll in it; he pulled me after him."

"You tripped over it, while daydreaming about being Perry Mason is a more likely story."

Aunt Rose looked out from behind her copy of 'People's Friend', leant out of bed and waved it in Uncle Frank's face.

"You're upsetting Aunt Rose with your arguing; she can't join in," Susie interpreted. "Come here and get your dad by the head, Trevor, he'll change his tune when he's comfortable. Grab a leg, Denise."

"Careful - don't bend me. Oooowwww!," Uncle Frank yelped, as we deposited him in his coffin.

"Mind his head, Trevor."

"Oooowwww!"

"Sorry, dad, my hand slipped; you shouldn't use so much Brylcreem. Have a try of my gel."

"Don't you gel me - funeral directors don't go around with sticky-up hair."

"See, you're back to your old self, telling off Trevor; you must be feeling better already," Susie grinned. "After a night resting in peace, you'll be ready to pick up your coffin and walk in the morning."

"I hope so. I can't let my clients down. Reputation counts for everything in my profession."

"Don't worry, it'll work wonders: it's the tossing and turning in bed that aggravates the damage. In future, keep a straight back when you're lifting - you've only yourself to blame."

"Susie!"

"What?"

"Nothing," Uncle Frank grunted. "I'm determined not to get excited. I just hope I can get a good night's rest - my mind's racing."

"Perhaps this will help you relax," I yawned. "Where the first born went to sleep? Three four two three."

"No, no - you mustn't leave me thinking about something like that; I won't be able to rest until I've worked it out."

"The Land of Nod."

"I was just about to say that, Denise."

"Bah, Susie."

"Bah, yourself."

"What had the first born to do with it?"

"Cain - East of Eden, Uncle Frank," Susie grinned. "Surprised you there, didn't I, Denise?"

"I wish all your surprises were as harmless," I yawned again, hoping Susie would take the hint.

She did and stretched out her arms. "These two little lambs are ready for bed, Uncle Frank; they've had a full day."

"I hope Denise won't mind sharing with you. If you'd turned up with Jeffrey, we'd have had to put him on the sofa."

"That's okay; Denise wouldn't be happy on her own in a strange bed without her teddy to cuddle."

"I'll let you go, then. You know the way, Susie."

"Goodnight, Uncle Frank, Aunt Rose. Goodnight, Trevor."

"Goodnight, Mr and Mrs Jones. "

"Goodnight, girls - sleep tight."

Susie followed me out and we chuckled our way along the landing.

"He murmured 'Little Miss Smartypants' under his breath before you left the room."

"I like to win, Susie, whatever I'm playing."

"I shall have to keep a close eye on you, Denise."

"You're more than welcome, Susie."

"The long day draws to a close," I sighed in relief, as I shut the door behind us.

"We're safe for the night, Jeffrey. It couldn't have worked out better, there's no danger of Uncle Frank poking his nose in at an inopportune moment."

"You don't think there'll be any repercussions; you have incapacitated him."

"He was the author of his own misfortune; I was an innocent bystander."

"Will your dad believe that?"

"He'll laugh his socks off." Susie grinned and threw herself on the bed. "Ah, relief at last - take off my shoes, Jeffrey."

"I'm not wearing them; they wouldn't fit me. I've dainty little feet - not great puddings."

"Mine are temporarily swelled - like your head."

I caught the pillow and sat down on the bed. "I thought you'd be the one undressing me," I smiled, as I eased off her trainers.

"There's no reason to have hard and fast rules about these things. You know I'm happy to let you take the lead now and again."

"I have noticed, Susie."

"It'd be wrong to mollycoddle someone like you who has a strong attachment to their mother."

"You're right, Susie, but she's taught me a lot. Would you like a foot massage?"

"That'd be nice, but do you know how to do it properly?"

"Yes, it's one of the things mum insisted I learn."

"Really, Jeffrey? I wasn't far from the truth, then, when I said she was a chiropodist."

"Miles away, but this has been handed down over the generations."

"From mother to daughter."

"Preferably, but I had no inhibitions about her passing it on to me. I'm as good as any girl at it. I've got the whole thing off pat."

"You never cease to amaze me. Get on with it."

I rested Susie's foot in my lap, lowered my head and brushed my hair across her toes. "Can you guess what I'm going to do?"

"Don't be a tease, Denise."

"Ow! Stop that, Jeffrey - you nearly pulled off my big toe."

"You asked for it, Susie."

"I think I may start keeping a diary, Jeffrey."

"No, don't do that; we'd be wise not to provide any documentary evidence."

"I'd write all the sensitive bits in code, like that Samuel Pepys."

"That'll be pretty much all of it, then."

"Yeah, it may be a trifle tedious. What's an easy way to hide stuff on a computer, Jeffrey?"

"Zip it with a password."

"Is that what you do?"

"Not any more: I only had one big secret and it's well and truly unzipped, now our wedding photos are the wallpaper on mum's desktop."

"Well, these things are better out in the open."

"No, they're not."

"You're happy I know, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"And your mum?"

"Yes, but in an ideal world, no one else."

"What about ..."

"That's enough. Focus on your own problems - like how your dad's going to react when he finds out we spent the night together."

"It was his idea, Jeffrey."

"He may not see it that way, Susie."

"We'll be okay as long as we don't make him a grandfather."

"At least that's under our control, but what if he finds out about all the other stuff?"

"There's no danger there, Jeffrey; he'll swallow my lamb chops as if they're covered in the finest mint sauce."

"If you're going to use rhyming slang, get it right - you mean pork pies."

"No I don't, this is my own blank verse slang - like tea-caddy."

"The way things are going, Susie, it might be useful for us to have a secret language."

"I thought we already had, Jeffrey."

"We're going to need more than that, Susie. We're building a house of cards; we should be prepared if it comes crashing down around us."

"All we have to do is keep juggling things around for the next couple of years, then we'll be adults and we can do what we please - within reason. I wouldn't really want to upset mum and dad."

"Honestly, Susie, I think we're better off as children. In fact, it'd suit me if we were permanently below the age of criminal responsibility."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, we'll easily keep all our balls in the air."

"This may help. Aiga laiga vaiga saiga zaiga."

"You don't want me to learn Russian, do you?"

"No, just something that will suit you down to the ground - backtalk. We'll practise in bed tonight."

"What are we waiting for - turn around, bright eyes."

Susie undid my bra and five twenty pound notes fluttered to the floor.

"That's our emergency money. Pretend you haven't seen it, because it's not for spending."

"That's a hundred you've been carrying around with you."

"Well, there are two of us now. Mum thought I should have something extra."

Susie gave me a kiss. "You're both lovely, Jeffrey."

"About that - do you think Pinky and Perky are getting any bigger?"

Susie stepped back and viewed them from all angles. "It's hard to say; I've only seen them for a week and I haven't paid that much attention. I'll tell you what, though, when you run, they've plenty of bounce to the ounce," she grinned.

"Perhaps, I should keep a record."

"Don't worry, you'll soon get past the obsessive measuring stage."

"All I've been doing is looking at them sideways. Actually, Susie, they aren't as big as Marwood's, but he's sixteen stone and they flop about something awful. I wouldn't want them to develop in that fashion."

"Yours are a fine athletic pair, Jeffrey - hold still, there's something I want to do before we go to bed."

"Ah, Susie, you shouldn't. If anyone sees ..."

"No one will - only me. It's just a bit of fun - and I know you'll like it."

"Yaiga caigan saigay thaigat aiga gaigan," I laughed as I admired her work in the mirror.

"Are you babbling incoherently, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie - pay attention, it's time for your first lesson."

"This is nice, isn't it - lying back in bed together?"

"It certainly is, Jeffrey. I'm drifting off with wonderful romantic thoughts of what we'll be doing together."

"Like opening a joint account?"

"Jeffrey!"

"Sorreee."

"Maybe, we can think of some cunning way to help Trevor in his romance; I feel obliged to him."

"Why was he so ready to take the blame, Susie?"

"Because he's secretly in love with me."

"No, he's not."

"Then he must be in love with you."

"We're children to him; he's in love with Charlotte. What he wants is a favour of some sort."

"I don't mind advising him on a plan of campaign; that sort of thing is right up my street."

"I don't think it's a good idea. Your ingenious schemes will be wasted on someone who likes to eats emulsion paint. You'll overload his brain."

"Just for the record, what is the purpose of processing information?"

"God only knows - I don't."

"That's very reassuring, Jeffrey - thank you."

I switched out the light and we settled down under the covers. Susie gave an enormous yawn and rolled onto her side.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

I turned over and snuggled up close. "Where you lead, I faithfully follow."

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

"Morning has broken, Susie."

"Nothing's made to last these days, Jeffrey - us always excepted."

"We'd better be moving ourselves; we've a lot to sort out."

"There's no hurry - we've already solved one problem today."

"Really?"

"Yes, now we both know what we want for Christmas."

"Come on, rise and shine," I laughed. "The lark is on the wing; the snail is on the thorn."

"Not a pretty image - you can do better than that."

"It's Browning."

"Stick to Kipling, Jeffrey. Oooh - that tickles."

"The feeling's mutual, Susie. This is better than waking up alone, isn't it?"

"It certainly ... Hold on a minute, there's a very ancient and a fish-like smell in here, Miranda."

"You're right - it's deja poo, Susie."

"You must have you brought something with you from Ernie's van, Jeffrey."

"No, it's kippers," I whispered. "We're not alone, Susie."

"Bugger, it must be Aunt Rose with breakfast."

"If it is, get her to send in Haggis."

"First things first - we should surface in a calm and dignified manner, Denise."

"Hang on, we probably both look a bit flushed."

"We can pass it off as nothing more than healthy colour. Aunt Rose is old-fashioned; she won't want to let on she knows anything about girl-on-girl stuff."

"You mean like Queen Victoria?"

"Yes, there's nothing to worry about - lesbians don't exist for her."

"But what if she heard you Jeffreying me? Queen Victoria was hot stuff at that - rumpy-pumpy, she called it."

"We'd better give her a flash of Pinky and Perky just to be on the safe side. Let the cover fall down when you sit up."

"I don't know about that, Susie, what's she going to think when I emerge topless?"

"We'll say you're a restless sleeper - are you ready?"

"No, there's one little detail you've overlooked."

"What's that?"

"How are we going to explain the lipstick on my nipples?"