Iolanthe Portmanteaux

Merope, Maybe : 3 / 19

 

"I get the picture: The processing center looks at my old world and my new world and asks each one if they want me."

"That's a good way to put it. Then, if you're a no-go in both directions, they give you their whole-new-life bit. It's a package deal: a new name, a Greyhound bus ticket, and the offer of a shitty job that you'd never take. They walk you to the door, tell you the world is your oyster, and give you a great big swat on the butt, 'cause it's your birthday."

 

Merope, Maybe : 2 / 19

 

"Incidentally," he added in a quieter tone, "my girlfriend can be quite jealous."

I paused in the doorway. "Okay, noted. Does she live with you?"

"No... not yet, anyway. But if she calls, don't talk or make noise, alright? And if she comes over, just... act normally."

"That's what I usually do," I assured him.

 

Merope, Maybe

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This story takes place in Melanie Brown's Switcher Universe.

Anson, a pot-bellied retiree, twists his ankle and falls into the Switcher's aura.

Now he finds himself in the body of a woman named Merope Goddard --
or one of three other possible names.

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend

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"You like the mind to be a neat machine, equipped to work efficiently, if narrowly,
and with no extra bits or useless parts.
I like the mind to be a dustbin of scraps of brilliant fabric,
odd gems, worthless but fascinating curiosities,
tinsel, quaint bits of carving, and a reasonable amount of healthy dirt.

"Shake the machine and it goes out of order;
shake the dustbin and it adjusts itself beautifully to its new position."

— Robertson Davies, Tempest Tost

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 29 / 29

 

"Can you do that?" Melissa asked. "Can the medallion make you younger? Keep you young?"

Viv looked thoughtful. She didn't answer; she pretended not to hear.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 28 / 29

 

Kitty huffed, a little impatiently, and explained, "Claus has this silly joke about a clone factory..."

"—in Omaha," Claus threw in.

"Why Omaha?" Dad asked.
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 26 / 29

 

I took a big step back, away from her, and tried to be ready.
If this was going to be a physical fight, I was going to give it everything I had.
I figured Amber and I were about on par. If she started something,
I sure as hell intended to give her as bad as I got.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 25 / 29

 

Delphine waved her hand dismissively. "He went to look for that idiot Amber."
After a quick glance around, she leaned in. "Listen to me, Max!
Do you want to know who Oswald is? Do you want to know why he's Amber's plus one?"

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 24 / 29

 

No map ever drawn, on earth, on sea, or in outer space,
has ever presented a cartographer as daunting a challenge
as the seating chart for a wedding reception.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 23 / 29

 

"Women!" he exclaimed. "You can't keep a secret! None of you!"

"Well, to be fair," I interjected, "I wasn't a woman at the time."

He gaped at me, incredulous. "Seriously? Seriously now? That's your excuse?
That's supposed to somehow make it better?"
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 22 / 29

 

Which reminds me: I had a third reason for feeling nervous. My dad was coming up for a visit.
Vivianne had planned for it, though I didn't expect it to happen so quickly after Nessa's wedding.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 20 / 29

 

"The more you clean," Melissa told me, "the more you'll see that needs cleaning."

"It's a weird twist on Sisyphus," I commented.

"If you say so," she responded.

 

Melanie Brown's Switcher Universe

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The Switcher is a character invented by Melanie Brown, and best explained by her in the first Switcher story here:
https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/82175/switcher

Melanie generously opened the Switcher universe to others, and a number of interesting stories have followed, both by Melanie and by other writers.
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 18 / 29

 

"I can't put this together," Max laughed. "You're nearly naked, but it's not so you can surprise me.
Did you have to get undressed to spy on Amber?"

"No, look: I was trying to make a quick getaway—"

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 17 / 29

 

A thought came, unbidden. It popped into my head, all by itself. The thought said,
Max has kissed me twice — admittedly, only on the cheek —
but I've never kissed him once.

Right then, exactly then, before another thought could run in screaming DON'T DO IT, I kissed him.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 15 / 29

 

"Amber is a wonderful person. I've never seen her angry or mean or unkind.
I sometimes wonder whether she even has negative emotions."

On hearing that, my eyebrows went up as high as they could possibly go.

"I'm serious," Kitty said.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 14 / 29

 

"You know, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

"Is that true?" I asked. "I've heard people say that, but is it really true?"

"I don't know," Melissa confessed, "but I do know that men are happier after they eat. If we feed him every night, he's going to associate that happy feeling with you. And that's a good thing."

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 13 / 29

 

I thought to run the hairbrush quickly through my hair, but right away hit a tangle.
I tried a different spot, and hit another tangle. Oh well! Tangles later! Pool now!

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 12 / 29

 

Kitty gave a impatient little huff. "Look — it's not like I spy — that's not what it's like."

"So, what's it like, then?"

"Amber is concerned about Max. She really cares about him and wants to know what's going on in his life. She wants what's best for him."

I couldn't help it. I laughed out loud.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 11 / 29

 

Absurdly, ironically, I wanted someone else to validate my choice;
to tell me whether my desires and feelings were enough,
when it came to making a decision for myself.

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 10 / 29

 

Soon I was back to the old me, clothes and all.

"How do you feel?" Viv asked.

"Prosaic," I replied.

"Awww," she cooed with an encouraging smile. "That feeling will fade. Don't worry. Come, let me give you a hug."

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 9 / 29

 

"Humor me," Viv said. "We're not leaving until you choose a teddy bear."

At that, I reached out and grabbed the nearest bear. "Done!"

"No," she said. "You need to choose one. You need to find a bear that's special to you."
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 8 / 29

 

As we walked, Viv kept looking at my face. At last she asked, "You look anxious.
Are you? Are you worried about something?"

"Yes," I admitted. "I'm worried that I could get stuck like this."

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 7 / 29

 

"But would you do that, if you could? If you were a girl?"

"What kind of question is that?" I asked, taken aback, and more than a little offended.

"It's a yes/no question," she replied. "Would you?"
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 6 / 29

 

Kitty's face went white. Pieces of memories, images, puzzle pieces shifted and moved and recombined in her head.
Things were falling into place; her picture of how things were, began to line up in a different way.
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 5 / 29

 

"Why did my boy end up with someone as awful as Amber? Why?"

"I don't know."

"Why couldn't he have found a girl — you know — a girl like you.
I mean, you know, your personality and kindness and all..."
She fumbled, her cheeks reddened. "Do you know what I'm trying to say?"

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 4 / 29

 

"Have you seen The Green Room?" Max demanded.

"No, I don't think so," I said. "It doesn't sound familiar.
Is it that classic porn movie? I don't think I've watched any porn."

"No! What the hell! No! It isn't porn! It's another damn French film!""
 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 2 / 29

 

Max's mom fell silent, and fixed her eyes on him for a bit.
He noticed her stare, and said, "What? Did I do something?"

"I don't know," she replied. "But if you did,
I don't know why you didn't tell your own mother."

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance

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A story of two best friends, Max and Elliot.

When the machinations of a jealous, unstable ex-girlfriend
make it impossible for Max to get a date at all --
let alone for his cousin's high-profile destination wedding --
is Elliot the only hope for Max's plus-one?

Would Elliot be Max's plus-one, if he could?

Would Max accept a transformed Elliot as his plus-one?

 

An Unwitting Hero of the Counterculture

 
"I don't understand you any more!"

"What is there to understand?"

"What is there to understand!? I'll tell you: I don't understand why you were so... so... enthusiastic about being a girl in the play. And not just any girl, but the romantic lead!"

"Hero's not a girl!" I scoffed. "Are you crazy? 'Hero' isn't a girl's name. If she was a girl, she'd be Heroine. Common sense, come on."
 

When Androids Visit Omaha

 
Maybe in the distant future, androids, when they gather, speak wistfully of Omaha and environs.
For all I know — for all that anyone knows —
Omaha may very well be the number one destination for time-travelers
who like to throw elaborate monkey-wrenches into other people's lives.
 

A Tale of Two Tampons: A Christmas Story

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December 2021 Christmas Holidays Story Contest Entry

A Tale of Two Tampons

[A Snow-Filled Anecdote For The Christmas Season]
By Iolanthe Portmanteaux

 

"Walter? Walter? If I fit into the costume, can I come and be your helper tomorrow?"
My mouth went dry as I asked it, and my heart pounded in my chest as though it would break through my rib cage.
 
He coughed and laughed. "If you fit in the costume, and if you grow a pair of tits by morning,
then yes, you can be Santa's Helper tomorrow. Good night."

 


 
“Before I go," he said, and paused — "I may kiss her?"
— Charles Dickens. A Tale of Two Cities

Taking professional errors as encouragement

Two friends of mine work in Hollywood. One is a writer, and when he first went out there, the word spread among our friends that a well-known detective show was using one of his scripts. We were all pretty excited. None of us had ever read a word he'd written, so we didn't know what to expect.

Then, as a kind of aside, we learned that very late in their schedule, the script the show MEANT to use suddenly developed problems and had to be withdrawn. They needed a replacement YESTERDAY, but the only script on hand was the one my friend has written.

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Evasion of the Bonnie Snappers

 

Space, outer space, was the only source that made any sense at all.
If you’re looking for weirdness, for inscrutable motivations,
for an unending factory for the unexplained,
you can’t beat outer space.

 

Everything Will Be Explained Tomorrow: 3 / 3

 

I’d already decided to keep Rufus’ information to myself -- at least for the time being.
There was no point in causing a controversy over something I could still manage to not believe.

 

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