CHAPTER 33
The next few weeks were as dreary as that time of year often is, enlivened only by another visit from Dr Thomas, which left the girls smiling, and a solo drive out to the East. The boys’ home was in Overmonnow, with a name that, for once, didn’t leave me twitching with references to castles or river views, despite its location. Mrs Hughes, the director, manager, head screw, whatever, really seemed a decent woman, and the boys I encountered were actually laughing.

CHAPTER 31
Both youngsters sat open-mouthed for a few seconds, before Kim, naturally, turned to me.

“Is Marlene always like this? And tell me again why we are here?”

My overdressed friend burst out laughing.

“Well, I can see which one of these two delicate flowers has been with you the longest, Debbie! Now, what can Marlene do for you?”

CHAPTER 29
I handed the hammer back to Nell, setting the frame as square as I could. It was only the second we had placed by the stairs, but it was a good one. Pat had set her timer to capture all four of us at the top of Carnedd Llywelyn, sun brightly shining and our jackets covered in lumps of snow from our silliness with axes and polythene survival bag. Just down from that picture, three of us grinned on top of Y Garn. The sunlight in the photos could do nothing to illuminate the staircase, but the memories did exactly that. Nell chuckled.

“What’s funny, love?”

“Just thinking, yeah? Climbing pictures, next to stairs. Fits!”

CHAPTER 27
We didn’t stay out that late, as both Paul (which felt right) and I had work the next day. That was a worry, as Nell remained a little of an unknown quantity. I would be forced to take a risk, and that meant trusting Sparky with her. Kim would be at work as well, but at least she was someone I understood, who would be close by if needed.

CHAPTER 25
Nell sat quietly for a few moments, staring at the photo of three of us gathered at the little wind shelter, the sweep of the Carneddau behind us, her eyes downcast. I noticed her hands trembling slightly. Her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear her words.

“I’ve never had this, you know. I always wanted to see the hills, the big ones, but Mam and Dad, they never went any nearer than that holiday camp out past Harlech. The do weekend specials there, country and western ones. We would drive up, or Dad would, man’s job, and all I saw of the mountains was out of a car window. We… I…”

CHAPTER 23
Kim was off out early the next morning, to help with the breakfast trade, but she promised to be back at one for our shopping trip. She had clearly stirred Nell up, as that girl was the one who knocked on my bedroom door with a morning cuppa.

“Um, Kim said I should…”

“Thanks, love! Kim’s jeans and one of her tees?”

“Yeah, and she lent me…”

CHAPTER 21
Sparky and Kim helped me into the living room, and then Sparky went back into the kitchen for a minute, returning with a towel and a bag of frozen peas, which he pressed against my face.

“You are going to have a real shiner tomorrow, woman. Let that chill, and then I want to feel your face. The cold will numb it enough, I think”

“What for?”

“Broken orbit or cheekbone, love. Give it a few minutes…”

CHAPTER 19
Kim jerked at my words, turning her face to me with a look of obvious fear, shaded with guilt.

“What do you mean?”

“He looks really fit, that lad, doesn’t he?”

“Who?”

CHAPTER 17
After Nita had gone, Kim rose from her seat.

“I should get back to Ruth’s”

“Can it wait a few minutes? I really want a quick talk with you”

She settled back down onto the settee, and I tried to spot any signs she was looking to run. Once again, my memories were haunting me, of sitting in the darkness outside the back door as Dad fed the hedgehogs and two carrier bags sat forgotten next to my chair.

CHAPTER 15
The young copper looked confused.

“Never heard of her. You able to wait a bit while I ask one of the older lads?”

I pushed back hard on my instinctive reaction to being in a police station and nodded.

“Aye, please. I’ve got the time”

He was back in less than five minutes, with a broad smile.

CHAPTER 13
Kim was running out of steam by ten o’clock, so I helped her up the stairs to her room before returning to the living room and Rosie, who was pensive.

“Who the fuck is she, Deb?”

“Someone else who’s had a load of shit, love. Thank your lad for the medicine; I don’t think she’d have survived much longer the way she was going, and the weather”

“Well, what are you going to do with her?”

CHAPTER 11
I made sure I followed the paper in question for a few weeks afterwards, which amused Ruth when she caught me reading it one day as I got outside a coffee and a ham and cheese toastie.

“Not exactly your sort of rag, girl!”

“Ah, a running story I’m looking for an update on”

“Would that be the one about the little shit who got a kicking from people you definitely didn’t know?”

CHAPTER 9
Rosie went home with her parents after the funeral, which was not a good day. More than Sam’s life seemed to have been sucked out of the world, so four of us clung to each other as things were said and hymns sung, as Linden had insisted on a Christian service for her child. I went in a dress and tights I had bought for the occasion, far from my normal style, and afterwards hung the stuff in the depths of my wardrobe with a little prayer that it would be as long a time as possible before I would need them again. I had had far more than enough of death.

CHAPTER 7
I had no booze in the house for once, which was fortunate, as it would have left me in no state worth thinking about, and most definitely well away from the level of rationality I needed to find. I slept fitfully, the night lasting forever as I woke up over and over again, my car crash of a soul trying to find ways to put my life back together and failing dismally at the job.

CHAPTER 5
Work was a new beginning for a time, as the three weeks or so of local slog kept me occupied, while the longer runs down West gave my mind the space and solitude to put things into a more sensible order than they had fallen into after the funeral. I played my music, I drove my wagon and I planned my days off, whether weekend or midweek.

CHAPTER 3
We spent two hours in the car park, as Rosie talked me patiently through the mechanics of riding a bike as opposed to not interfering with it from a pillion seat. There were a few niggles I could see, such as the odd speedometer and the lack of a side stand, but the little machine was docile and uncomplicated to ride.

“Down here, Debbie. This is the drain plug, and…hang on…”

She put some effort into unscrewing a black plug in the crankcase.

CHAPTER 51
Recovery from surgery was slow, but nowhere near as bad as I had feared. When I left Hemmings’ place, Carol was with me, having taken the train down so that I wouldn’t have to ride all the way home again alone, but for my little rubber ring under the new anatomy. We hardly spoke at all; what should have been the celebration of my body finally being compete was lost in the rattle of train wheels and Tannoy announcements from the guard. It all felt so utterly meaningless, and the question locked in my mind was whether I should really have bothered going through with the surgery. What, after all, was the point?

CHAPTER 49
“Good morning, Mr Hemming’s office, Julia speaking. How may I help you?”

“Um, my name is Debbie Wells. I was down for an assessment with Mr Hemmings about some surgery”

“Thank you. May I take your date of birth and postcode?”

CHAPTER 48
The seats were uncomfortable, as always, but in differing ways. Most of them were hard plastic chairs, that gradually sent your arse to sleep, with the occasional comfy-looking armchair bearing a beguilingly padded seat that was actually worse. You sat on the thick cushion, and the air trapped under the vinyl cover slowly farted out through the holes in the plywood base. With a sigh, you gradually descended to a perch on the base board, the frame digging into the backs of your thighs as the trapped sweat began to soak them.

CHAPTER 47
Sunday morning’s light told me I had got outside far too much alcohol the previous evening, and with that thought I realised that the evening had actually become morning before I had managed to deliver a very unsteady Mam to our corner of the site.

Hangovers are funny things, because they mirror the preceding state of drunkenness. When plastered, your mind comes up with all sorts of insights and mystical revelations, which will change the course of your life and deliver immeasurable benefits, if you could only recall them the following morning. Instead, the hangover arrives, which allows a detailed examination of the damage you are doing to your health.

CHAPTER 45
I tugged her out of the marquee and around behind the burger van, where the blast from the band was partially blocked, replaced by the chugging of a small electrical generator.

“What do you mean, Mam?”

“I can’t feel it, love. I mean, I can hear it, feel the sound in my gut. I just can’t FEEL it, can’t move to it!”

CHAPTER 43
The sun was warm on my face as I dozed on a south-facing bench, its heat reflecting back from the honey-coloured stone wall behind me, my backpack heavy against my side. It had been a rather complicated train ride to Hexham, but I was there, and the weather seemed set fine. All I had to do was wait for Mam and Dad, grazing occasionally from the food I had grabbed in Carlisle station as I waited for the little railbus that served the smaller stations. Mick had dropped me at Crewe, where I had caught the Intercity to the place Charlie had taken as his new home. I knew he was now locked up, but I had still felt the back of my neck prickling as I had waited on the platform.

CHAPTER 41
I had a hangover the next morning, but we had the shower, as Mam had promised, and I spent more than a few minutes soaking, which gave me time to settle my mood and my behaviour. Not my day, much as I might have wished things had followed a different course, but in a way the day actually was mine. Two people I loved would be happy, so suck it up, woman, and be happy for them. After all, didn’t I have Class?