Echoes of the Past 1
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but nothing prepares you for it
What do you do when your son is different from other boys?
What do you do when he does not want to be older?
What do you do when he does not want to be a boy?
What do you do when he says you are not his mother?

Being a parent is one of the blessings in the world. Since I was a girl, I always wanted to be a mother. I had a small family of dolls that were spoiled. The dolls never caused trouble and never worried me. The only thing that I was worried about was what they would wear and how pretty they would be. Years later, I remember the joy I had when I heard that I was pregnant for the first time. I would finally become a mother and live the perfect life. Having children is not the same as having dolls. Children give you grey hair before it is your time.

My daughter Emma was my first-born daughter. She was always an easy child. She never cried and even when she was toilet trained, she just decided that she wanted no diaper and that was it. It made me ask why many parents complain about getting children out of diapers. As Emma grew older, she was a very reasonable and intelligent daughter. At times it was as if she was more of an adult than her parents. I was always so proud of Emma and loved her more than is possible.

When Emma was 3 years old, I was once again pregnant. This time I gave birth to a boy. Jordan was not like his big sister. He cried a lot and constantly needed attention. It was a huge struggle to get him out of diapers. Despite that we had very little sleep since he was born, I was also proud of him and loved him equally to his big sister. Maybe Jordan would not be as intelligent as his sister and not as sensible, but Jordan would have his qualities such as being kind and wanting to help people. He also was charming and had a smile that would melt a heart of stone

My husband was the man I loved since I was old enough to fall in love. He had a good heart and treated me like a princess. His parents were not the best of parents and pretty much ignored him all his life. This made my husband wonder if he was loved or not. It also made him want to learn from his parent's weaknesses. My husband wanted a close family and that everyone was happy and felt loved and wanted. This is what I loved about him. He wanted the best for us!

We were devout Catholics. The local priest was a regular guest at our house. He was never short of advice when it came to family. He would tell us how to be better Catholics. He thought that a close family unit which loved each other and supported each other was a foundation for a child's upbringing. “A family that prays together stays together”

It was time for Jordan to start school. This made me feel so old. It was a major step in his life where he would leave the clutches of his family and go out in the world to meet new friends and gain knowledge. He was very excited and confused at the same time. He did not know what to expect or if he would get new friends. At the same time, he was proud that he could now be considered a big boy. I was just as excited as he was. So many pictures of him were taken in his new school uniform. This made me try and remember my first day of school. I could not remember it which made me think again that I was getting old.

Jordan did make friends and he loved learning. His teacher would tell me that it could be annoying at times. When the teacher tried to teach something, then Jordan would say that he already knew what was being taught. This made me smile as there was no way that this could be true.

Jordan loved going to school. I always thought his big sister was the intelligent one, but Jordan knew everything that was being taught. The good thing was that he had lots of friends. Both the boys and girls liked him. This was despite that Jordan did not like sports like other boys. He would rather do quiet activities. This did not worry me as he was happy and had friends. Jordan would always ask me if he could have a playdate with someone from the school or he would ask if he could visit them. This made me very happy as I always thought that having good friends was just as important as getting a good education.

I think that things started to change after Jordan started at school. One day when he was visiting a friend, his dad went to pick him up. When they came home, Jordan ran to his room in tears and my husband was very mad. I found out that when my husband went to pick his son up, he found that Jordan was playing dress-up with his friend. My husband was not mad that he was changing clothes with a girl. He was mad that his son was wearing a dress with tights. I wondered what the problem was. My husband was yelling saying that he was afraid that Jordan was turning gay. He did not want our son to be a sissy or anything like that. I had to tell my husband to shut up as we were no longer in the middle ages. Wearing a dress once in a game did not mean our son was a sissy or even gay. It was just a game that he thought it was fun.

The matter was forgotten. Jordan was now 10 years old. I am sure that Jordan still played dress-up with his friend. He was just smart enough not to be caught. I debated with myself if I should speak with him or not about wearing girl clothes. There were a few things that stopped me from doing this. I was not sure if he was even playing dress-up. On top of that, I would be making a mountain out of a mole hole by discussing it. I do not think it was wrong that he had this fun. I was told that he got changed in the bathroom while she changed in her bedroom. For them, this was just a fun game. It is the adult mind and prejudice that we had that made such an innocent game look like it was the worse thing they could ever do and harm them for life.

Time went on and we could see that this was not just a fun game he wanted to play. Jordan wanted to dress up as a fairy for Halloween. This made my husband go crazy. There was no way that he wanted his son to go out in public as a fairy. It was bad if our son was "one of those drag kids" or even worse if he was gay. Of course, Jordan was determined to wear a fairy costume. There was a standoff between them. They both looked at me for support. In a way, I wondered if this meant that Jordan was more feminine than we thought he should be. I also thought if he would turn out gay. These thoughts were going around in my head and it did not make me think that Jordan was less perfect or he was damaged. On the contrary, I saw him as a boy that was not afraid to experiment and be what he wanted. I tried telling my husband that this was Halloween. Children dressed up in different costumes and this did not mean that they identified as the person they were dressed at. It was just a chance to have fun and use their imagination.l It would be wrong for us to ruin this experience for him and turn it into some social-political issue. It did not matter what I said. Jordan was not allowed to wear the costume. He refused to celebrate Halloween and stayed in his bedroom.

Something happened between Jordan and his father after this. It was as if there was now a huge wall between them. I could not understand my husband who wanted Jordan to be a certain way and could not accept him for the way he was. If Jordan liked being feminine... who cared? If he grew up to be gay... who cared? The only thing that mattered to me is that he was a nice person and treated others right. We could not force him to be a certain type of person. This was something my husband did not understand. It seems as if he wanted Jordan to be a typical boy that was good at sports and was very masculine. This meant that he was constantly criticizing his son. The atmosphere between the two was becoming very toxic, and to be honest, I did not know what to do.

Jordan started wetting the bed which was hard for him. This meant that I had to get him some Goodnight pullups to wear in bed. Jordan accepted this but it was obvious that he did not like it. He would ask me why he suddenly wet the bed as he was too old to do that. It did not help that my husband had nothing good to say about it. I was very proud of his older sister that did not tease and supported him the best way she could. I was also worried about why he started wetting the bed. I wondered if it was something mental What was going on in his mind? Was it because of the Halloween drama and the conflict he had with his Dad? The one thing I knew was that I could no longer stand by and think that things would sort themselves out. I needed to have a mother-son talk with Jordan.

" You should have a sleepover sometime," I said
" Mom, there is no way I would ever have a sleepover again in my life" he snorted back.
" Why not, you like sleepovers"
" Look at what I have to wear. I do not want anyone to know I have to wear diapers"
" They are not diapers, and you will get better again. You have many friends at school. If they knew you wet the bed, they would accept it. That is what friends do."
" I do have friends, but they say I am weird, They think I am different."
" How?"
" They think I look like a girl. I could get my hair cut, but I hate short hair. I do not like the things that the boys do. They heard that I play dress-up with Elizabeth. Some think this makes me a sissy and gay."
" What do you think?"
" I know it's not normal for a boy to like girl clothes and toys. Even my own Dad thinks that I am weird. The thing is that I like when we dress up and play at her house. When I wear her clothes, I do not think that it is wrong. I feel happy and comfortable. I feel more like me. Then when others tease me about it or Dad gets mad, I get all confused. It makes me feel guilty as if it was a very bad thing that I have done."

My eyes were welling up. I hugged Jordan and there was silence for some time. Then I told him that he was not strange or weird. His bedwetting would get better. If he liked playing dress-up with Elizabeth, then it did not make him a sissy or gay. He was too young to know his sexual orientation and being gay was not bad. I told him that he could invite Elizabeth here when he wanted and if they wanted to play dress-up, they could use the old clothes from his big sister. They could also play with her toys. This would be when Dad was at work. What he did not know could not hurt him.

Jordan was delighted at this new arrangement. His Dad did not know and his sister supported him. I could see that Elizabeth was a good friend. She never forced him to play dress-up or do anything. It was always Jordan's initiative. He even told her that he wet the bed. Her answer made me smile, "So what, many wet the bed."

I was thinking that this was just a phase that he was going through. This was not the case. A few months when we were eating dinner, Jordan took a breath and said. "I know you will not like what I have to say. I know you may get mad at me. Dad, you will blow your lid off. However, I have to tell you this. God made a mistake when I was born. I was not supposed to have a boy's body. I am not a boy. I am a girl."