Echoes of the Past 3
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but nothing prepares you for it
What do you do when your son is different from other boys?
What do you do when he does not want to be older?
What do you do when he does not want to be a boy?
What do you do when he says you are not his mother?

So Jordan told everyone at school that he remembered her previous life. In other words, she thought that she was reincarnated. I could deal with Jordan being transgender and wetting the bed. I could even deal with his morbid drawings. I never expected Jordan to say that she was reincarnated. I never believed in reincarnation. How can we all be reincarnated and the population of the world go up all the time? If there was reincarnation, would the population stay the same?

I tried speaking with my husband about this. He blew his lid when he heard that Jordan now thought that she was reincarnated. Jordan was sent to her room and warned to stop being so weird. This response by my husband saddened me. The way I saw this was that this whole thing showed that Jordan had some problems and she needed our love and support. When I told my husband this and that our daughter needed some help, the only answer I got was that we needed to put our foot down and show Jordan the difference between reality and fantasy.

"What will the next thing Jordan tell the world?" he asked, "Our son thinks he is a girl and wets the bed like a baby. Now our son says he is reincarnated. All this seems to be trying to get attention. Either this or Jordan has huge mental problems and will end up being locked in a padded cell!"

I could understand what my husband was saying. I did not think that Jordan wanted any attention or to be different. I did not know what to do. This was so confusing and I felt like no matter what I did, it would be wrong. I decided not to talk to Jordan about it. I bet you are rolling your eyes at this decision thinking I was putting my head in the sand pretending it never happened. My reasoning was that this was a phase and would blow over. The more we discussed it, the more cemented it would be in Jordan's thoughts.

I did what I thought was the best. Jordan and I had a mother-daughter day at the mall. I bought Jordan new summer dresses, sandals, shorts and everything a girl would want in her wardrobe. Then we went to the hairdresser and trimmed. Jordan now had long hair and the hairdresser put some curls in it. Then we had Jordan's ears pierced. After all that we had lunch at a cafe. I smiled as I looked at my daughter. To me, she was now a girl. She looked like one and thought like one. Jordan was in a great mood and her smile lit up the whole mall. We did not talk about the claims that she was reincarnated. We just enjoyed having a girl's day out and spending a lot of money. When we were home, Jordan hugged me and thanked me for one of the best days of her life. This made me smile. Being Jordan's mother was challenging and I never knew what to do. I felt as if I had done something right by taking her to the mall.

This happiness did not last. I could see that Jordan was becoming more unhappy. This is not an easy thing when you see your 11-year-old become more and more unhappy every day. Jordan was not smiling and would spend all her time in her bedroom. At times, I could hear her crying. I asked her was there were problems at school. The only answer I got there was not to worry. This was not going to happen. I knew there was a problem. Jordan did not want to go to school and would often say she was sick. This school sickness was becoming more frequent and it made me think that there were problems.

I visited Jordan's school and had a talk with the teacher,

"Jordan is not happy at school" she informed me. Duh was the only word that was going through my mind.

"What is happening that makes her so sad?"

"The other children have always accepted that Jordan was different. This seems to have changed. Jordan now gets bullied because she is different."

"I thought that they accepted that Jordan was transgender."

"Maybe they are getting older and this is where boys and girls think differently. They know that Jordan lives as a girl. They do know that she still has a boy's body. I think the other children are confused."

"This is not an excuse to bully. Did you not explain what a transgender is, and that it is not bad and should not be an excuse to bully?"

"Yes, we did explain this. However, we cannot stop them from thinking that Jordan is just gay and that he is strange."

"Jordan is not strange. She is not crazy. This school should do everything they can to stop bullying."

"It's not that Jordan is just transgendered. As you know, Jordan has been very open that she remembers her previous life. Jordan believes that she is reincarnated. This is very hard for others to understand. The bullying started when Jordan admitted that she was reincarnated. The others think that she is too different now"

The teacher told me how Jordan was bullied. She was teased and pushed and sometimes even hit. A few times, the girls would not allow her in the girl's bathroom. She was even "pantsed" where the others would shame her to the extreme. After the teacher told me all this, I understood why my daughter was so sad. It made me want to cry as well. The teacher also seemed to support the bullies. I was told that Jordan needed professional psychological help. I left the school wanting to scream.

Jordan was getting more and more depressed. She started wetting herself during the day. She asked if she could wear diapers all the time. I could not say no to this as I could understand that it was no fun wetting yourself and being in wet clothes. At the same time, I knew that this could be more teasing and bullying if the other children found out. It did not help that my husband did not support the diapers and his only answer was that Jordan needed a spanking. This would never happen. I would never allow my children to be spanked.

I decided to take Jordan to a psychiatrist. My husband was mad about this but I got my own way when I asked if he could not see that Jordan was so unhappy and we needed help. Jordan needed help. The shrink had a long talk with Josie and then wanted to speak with me.

"Jordan does feel that she is a girl." The psychiatrist said, "And I think your approach was right. Support Jordan's identity as a girl. Jordan loves when you and her do mother-daughter things together. Now here is the thing. Jordan thinks she was a girl in her previous life. She believes that she is reincarnated. Some children claim this although they are usually younger. It can be because of several things. It can be false memories, a vivid imagination, attention seeking or dissociation. She can be mentally disconnected from reality. "

"What can I do?"

"Studies show that this will blow over. The best you can do is to remain calm and listen to Jordan. Validate her feelings and let her express herself. This will most likely just be a phase. Do not pressure Jordan to explain why she is reincarnated, let her explain in her own time"

After this, I went out to Jordan who was in the waiting room. She had watery eyes and asked me if she was crazy. I hugged her and said of course not. Jordan asked why she had to be so different. I could not answer this. We went to a cafe and just talked about normal things. We both managed to smile. However, I knew that Jordan's head was in turmoil. She most likely was afraid that there was something wrong with her. She did not choose to be different. It's just the way she was. I did not love her any less. She was my youngest daughter and there were no limits to my love. My head was also in turmoil. What could I do to help Jordan be happy?

My husband took matters into his own hands. He invited the priest over to have a talk with Jordan. The priest wasted no time in telling Jordan how corrupt, misled and how much of a sinner she was.

"God made you a boy. You cannot change God's plans for you!" he said

"God does not want you to fall in love with other boys. It is against nature and it is disgusting and one of the greatest sins!" he continued

"The whole idea that you think you are reincarnated is also foolish. You read the Bible and you know that we go to heaven." the priest rolled on.

I could see that Jordan was squirming around in the chair. She was pale and looked like she wanted to be in any other place. Jordan did not answer the priest and this was probably wise. The priest was not willing to discuss anything. After he left, I was mad at my husband for inviting him. I asked where was the respect and understanding for Jordan. The priest just wanted Jordan to feel guilty and like the worse sinner on earth. It was an inquisition. How would any Dad be satisfied with subjecting their child to this? The thing was that I was to blame as well. I just sat there and said nothing. I did nothing to defend Jordan. This made me feel like an accomplice. Jordan was betrayed by her Dad, treated like dirt by the priest and neglected by me!

I decided not to let this happen again. To be honest, I did not understand what was going on with Jordan. I had no clue what to do or how to cope with it. This being said I had to show Jordan that she was not alone and we loved her. I had to support her and let her know that she was not crazy or damaged goods. She was not a sinner or corrupt. She was a very special child! It was time that I put her first and not my doubts or worries.

Jordan was beginning to regress more. She now wore diapers all the time. She started playing with her old baby toys. When she spoke, she started to lisp and cried very easily. At one stage, she even asked to sleep in her own cot. Jordan was now like a small toddler girl. I did my best to make her happy and show her that she was loved. She got a lot of hugs and I accepted her toddler ways. My husband asked me if this was what I really wanted, our 11-year-old acting like a 2-year-old. Of course, I did not. I just knew that any pressure on Jordan would make things worse. There was a reason why she regressed. Maybe she felt more secure and it was a way for her to hide.

One day she made another announcement when we were eating dinner, "I would like if you do not call me Jordan anymore, My name is Rosie. Please call me Rosie."

To be continued