“Have a good day!” Sonia calls after me as I leave our flat, on my way to start another day of school.

“Will do,” I reply, even though deep down, I'm almost certain that I won't.

It’s been a month since I started my new school, and while I'm sure I might give the impression of having settled into the school, on the inside, my head is still spinning from my new circumstances.

Despite having made peace with Daisy, I’m still no closer to actually being friends with her, let alone Lily or any of the other girls. I still spend my days at school hanging out with Harry, pretending to be interested in what he has to say and playing the part of the stereotypical teenaged boy- as much as it frustrates me. Thankfully, due to covid, my interaction with Harry and his other meathead friends means that any time I spend with them begins and ends at the school gates- not that I’d want to hang out with them at the weekend, even if we were allowed to. And given Harry’s reaction to me making peace with Daisy, I’m not sure they’d want to either- though thankfully he hasn’t used it as an excuse to make my life at school even more miserable, even if he is more 'wary' around me as a result. God only knows how he’d react if he learned the truth about me…

Thankfully, though, not only has Harry not learned the truth about me, neither has anyone else- especially not Sonia or Melanie. And yet, every day it gets a little harder as I feel like I’m confronted by femininity everywhere I look, especially at school- and especially when I look at the girl whose life I desperately wish I was living. However, as always, Lily barely even acknowledges my existence as I walk past her on my way into school- unlike her friend standing next to her.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy yells as I walk past, and even though I smile and wave at her, I can’t help but cringe- not that I feel ashamed to have a disabled friend, but at what one of my other 'friends' inevitably says next.

“I can’t believe you’re still talking to her,” Harry sneers as we head toward our form room. Is he STILL smarting from the verbal beatdown she gave him?

“It’s not hurting anyone, saying hi,” I reply with a shrug.

“It’s hurting your image, mate,” Harry retorts. “Do you really want to be the boy who fancies the spaz?” Nice, I think to myself as I try not to roll my eyes.

“I don’t FANCY her,” I protest.

“Doubt anyone’ll ever fancy her,” Harry says with a malicious snort of laughter as our form tutor arrives to start the day.

The first three lessons of the day pass by in a haze, just as they’ve been doing for the past few weeks. I sit down in class next to Harry or one of the other boys in ‘our group’, do my work and try not to think too hard about everyone lumping me in with these knuckle draggers, or about Lily, or any of the other girls in class and how I jealous I feel of them- and especially not about what mum and dad would have thought about their youngest kid being borderline obsessed with one of the girls in the school. Then again, given that I'm obsessed with BEING one of the girls in the school, they'd probably see my obsession with Lily- who is a pretty girl, after all- as something 'normal', rather than creepy...

The final lesson after lunch, though, is different. After spending 45 minutes listening to Harry prattle on about football, WWE and who know (or cares) what else, I head to the school’s computer suite for my IT lesson. Under ordinary circumstances, this would be my favourite lesson of the day anyway, but one thing makes it even better- the presence of Lily Ruddock just a few computers away from me. Naturally, this does have the side effect of making me more anxious as well, even if- or especially because- I know nothing will change by the end of the lesson. Lily will still barely be aware of my existence, and I'll still be no closer to ever being 'Lisa'. Or so I thought, anyway…

“Good afternoon, everyone,” Miss Henderson says as we log onto our PCs. “We’re starting a new project today, and for it, I want you to work in pairs so you can share the work between each other. You’re going to be designing a web page for a fictional school club or society- it can be about anything, as long as it’s appropriate and it’s something you’re both interested in. And just to make it more interesting, I want you to pair off boy/girl.” Naturally, a collective groan goes up from the class at this news, and while I outwardly join in with the groan, behind my facemask, I’m grinning, and my heart is racing with excitement, as there’s only one girl I want to work with.

“H- hi,” I say nervously as I walk up to Lily, who regards me with a blank expression on her face- and it’s unlikely that she’ll have as wide a grin as me behind her mask, or indeed any smile at all. “Do you- do you want to work together? Like, on the project?”

“Sure,” Lily replies with a shrug, making space for my chair at her computer before straightening her pleated skirt, not realising or not caring about my conflicted feelings about that simple action. How are you so effortlessly feminine? I think to myself. And how can I be…

“I- I’m Liam, by the way,” I say.

“Lily,” the brown-haired girl replies, and I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying ‘I know’ in reply. “Daisy’s said a couple of nice things about you, not like the other BOYS in our year, heh.” Point in my favour, I suppose, I think to myself as I nervously giggle.

“Y- yeah,” I say.

“We’re going to need to think of a topic for this webpage,” Lily says as she turns back to the computer. So much for getting to know each other, then… “I’m guessing you don’t have much interest in things like ballet and gymnastics?” More than you’d think, I think to myself.

“…Not really,” I reply with a shrug. “I don’t suppose you like basketball, do you?”

“Not really,” Lily replies with a chuckle. “My sister used to go out with a basketball player though, so I guess I can ask her.” I catch my tongue yet again before asking Lily if, by her sister, she means the attractive blonde girl on her Facebook page- as we’re not yet friends on Facebook, that’s a trap I DON’T want to fall into. Fortunately, though, Lily continues talking before I can make a fool of myself. “Do you like videogames?”

“Umm, sure,” I reply with a shrug. "I've not got a console, but I play games on my laptop sometimes."

“Cool, same here,” Lily replies. “And I've also got a PS4. Well, technically it’s my sister’s PS4, but I play on it more than she does, so- yeah.”

“Yeah,” I say, my heart beating faster and my palms starting to sweat- is it really THIS easy to get to know Lily? “So- umm, do you still live with your sister, then?”

“Yeah,” Lily sighs. “She’s at uni now so she SHOULD have moved out, but because of covid she can’t even go to any student parties, so- yeah. Could be worse though, at least my older brother doesn’t live with us anymore. THAT would suck big time. How about you, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Umm, yeah,” I reply. “Two older sisters, both a lot older than me.”

“Ah, that’s cool,” Lily says, clearly smiling behind her mask. “I bet it’s a lot more fun than having a much older brother.” You’d assume, I think to myself as I bite my lip nervously.

“Oh Liam!” Melanie called from her bedroom, making my heart sink as I knew what was coming next.

“Come here, Liam!” Sonia yelled, and knowing better than to argue, I lowered my 7-year-old form off my bed and slunk through to my oldest sister’s bedroom where, as expected, she and Melanie were waiting for me- as was the outfit laid out on their bed. A tiny, pleated skirt, shiny tights and a lacy white long-sleeved top- something they clearly saw as silly and humiliating for me, but which I privately saw as exciting and fun- even if it would be far too big for me.

“We thought you seemed bored, so we came up with a dressing-up game for you!” Melanie said, the glint in her eye as evil as ever. “Aren’t we thoughtful?”

“I’m not bored,” I meekly mumbled.

“Liam!” Sonia snapped. “We go to all this effort, and THIS is how you respond?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“I didn’t hear that?” Sonia said, even though I knew full well even then that she did.

“I’m sorry!” I shouted, taking the opportunity presented to raise my voice- which, seconds later, had the desired effect.

“What are you shouting about, Liam?” Dad asked as he entered my sister’s room. “And why are you in your sister’s room?”

“Yeah, Liam, why are you in here?” Sonia asked, barely disguising the cruel smile on her face. Dad, however, wasn’t fooled for a second, especially not when he saw the clothes on my sister’s bed.

“…When are you two going to grow up?” Dad sighed, the disappointment clear in his voice. “Liam- go back to your bedroom, I’ll talk to you in a bit. And no, you are NOT in trouble.”

“Okay, dad,” I mumbled as I slunk out of the room, relieved to no longer be dealing with my sisters’ bullying, but secretly disappointed- a very, very large part of me secretly yearned to wear the outfit...

“…Not really,” I said to Lily, my attention returning to the present.

“Meh, I suppose it wouldn’t be, not for a boy, anyway,” Lily shrugged. “God knows my sister got it bad from her brother too while she was growing up.” ‘Her’ brother, not 'our' brother? I briefly think to myself, mentally filing the thought away before returning to the task at hand.

“Should we focus the webpage on one particular game?” I ask, hoping to change the topic to something a little less awkward.

“Best not,” Lily replies. “Don’t want Miss Henderson accusing us of making a gaming webpage instead of, you know, a school club webpage like we’re meant to be.”

“Mm-hm,” I mumble, trying not to stare as Lily slips off her tiny black flats and stretches her toes inside her opaque grey tights. “Are your- are your feet hurting?”

“Meh, not really, just a little stiff,” Lily replies. “I had my ballet class last night and pointe shoes, while cute, can really SUCK sometimes.”

“Umm, okay,” I reply, finding myself thankful that neither of my sisters ever tried to put my feet into pointe shoes, whatever they are. “Is- is your class actually open, then?”

“Zoom class,” Lily replies, before smirking devilishly behind her mask. “Why, should I tell my teacher you’re interested in joining?” What, pulling on a pair of pink tights, a skin-tight leotard and gliding around a room like a swan? More than anything… I think to myself. “It’s okay, I’m just having a little fun,” Lily clarifies, smiling supportively as she sees me start to blush. “I only really started ‘cause my sister loves it, and- yeah. Anyway, we’d better actually start doing some real work, like. I can start writing up some stuff if you can go back to your PC and look up some pictures, like of a PS4 and some games?”

“Umm, sure,” I say, trying to keep my thoughts from racing as I scoot back to my own PC.

After weeks of stress and borderline anxiety, I finally got to talk to Lily and she… is just an ordinary girl. If she hadn’t been pointed out to me by Harry, I’d probably never even have noticed her. is it really that easy for her to be a girl? Better yet, would it really be that easy for ME to be a girl? Needless to say, these thoughts occupy my mind for the rest of the class, even as I try to work on our project.

Eventually, though, the bell rings to signal the end of the day, and before I even have the chance to pack my books away and sanitise my PC, Lily approaches me, obviously smiling behind her mask.

“Hey Liam!” The pretty brown-haired girl says. “I think we’ve got off to a pretty good start today, but I’ve got a few ideas for the project, do you, you know, want to work on it a bit more tonight? Over Zoom, like?” Seriously? I think to myself as I start to tremble with nerves. Lily is asking ME to- well, do homework together?

“Umm, sure,” I reply with as nonchalant a shrug as I can manage. “You don’t have a dance class or anything tonight, then?” I bite my lip nervously as Lily frowns behind her mask, before rolling her eyes.

“…You’re lucky we’re not allowed to touch each other, or you’d have got a punch for that,” Lily snorts, before giggling and setting my mind at ease. “It’s okay. And no, I’ve not got anything else on tonight. So… shall we say 7pm?”

“Umm, sure!” I repeat with a nervous chuckle. “So, umm, do you- do you walk home?”

“Nah, my dad gives me a lift,” Lily replies. “He’s probably not going to be happy with me offering you a lift, what with covid and everything, so- yeah, sorry.”

“It’s fine, I live, like, only walking distance away anyway,” I say as I finish sanitising my keyboard.

“Will your mum and dad be in when you get home?” Lily asks, making me pause as I’m forced to contemplate the answer to that question.

“…Sort of,” I mumble in reply, biting my lip in a desperate attempt to not cry in the middle of class. “I- umm, I’d better get going. Talk to you tonight!”

“Yep, sure,” Lily says, clearly confused by my sudden change of mood but not questioning it- like I didn't question her mention of her siblings- as I hurry out of the school.

Fortunately, as always, the walk home is a quick one, and I’ve been able to mostly calm myself by the time I return to our flat- though opening the front door to find only Sonia there just serves to drive home how lonely I really am. However, as today has proved, just because I’ve lost the most important members of my family, it doesn’t mean I'll always be alone- as today has proved, making friends is easier than I ever expected. Though I’m still left dreading how my family will react to my new friend…

“Hi Liam,” Sonia says as she momentarily glances away from her workstation. “I’m just on a call right now but I’ll be done soon, then I’ll need your help getting dinner ready.”

“Sure,” I reply. “Oh, and I’m going to be calling someone from school this evening, like as a homework thing, kinda.”

“Okay,” Sonia says with a shrug, before a familiar devilish grin spreads across her face. “This wouldn’t be the famous Lily by any chance, would it?” Well, crap, I think to myself as I scramble to think of a reply that WON’T end up in me being teased for the rest of the evening.

“…It’s just someone from my class,” I reply with a shrug, inwardly smirking that I haven’t TECHNICALLY lied.

“Male or female?” Sonia asks, her grin widening as she sees my cheeks start to redden.

“Aren’t you meant to be on a work call?” I ask.

“Okay, okay,” Sonia says as she replaces her headset, and even though I breathe a sigh of relief that the confrontation is over for now, I know I'm only delaying the inevitable.

Thankfully, Sonia drops the topic as we prepare and eat dinner together, and after allowing myself some time to relax in front of the TV after dinner, I head through to my room for my call, my palms sweaty and my hands shaking- not helped by the comments my sister makes as I shut the door.

“Have fun, tell Lily I said hi,” Sonia teases with an evil giggle. “And no naughty stuff, you’re only thirteen!” My scowl only makes her laughter louder as I close my bedroom door and sit down on my bed and boot up my laptop. Seconds later, I get an invitation to a call, and my ‘study buddy’ appears on screen.

“Hi Liam!” Lily says, smirking as she brushes her loose, mousey brown hair (which had earlier been tied into a ponytail) out of her face. “Hope you don’t mind me calling you a few minutes early, I made the mistake of telling my sister I was video calling a boy and she will NOT let me hear the end of it.”

“Yeah, my sister was taking the piss a bit too,” I chuckle. “But- whatever. I did a little bit more searching online for photos and stuff, I’ll send them through to you.”

“Sure,” Lily says, smiling as she focusses on her work and not on the fact that I'm obviously growing increasingly anxious.

For the next twenty minutes, we set about the task of building our webpage, with me doing most of the writing while Lily handles the technical side. About twenty-five minutes into the work, though, we’re interrupted when a knock comes from Lily’s bedroom door.

“Lily, have you got a sec?” A young woman’s voice asks before popping her head around the door and instantly grinning straight into my friend’s camera.

“Go away, Laura,” Lily says with a frustrated sigh as the girl lets herself into her bedroom. Thankfully, as she does so, she turns her back to her screen, so she doesn't see my jaw drop at the sight of her sister. She’s clearly a LOT taller than Lily but is also slender, her tight long-sleeved top, clingy black miniskirt and translucent black tights doing nothing to disguise her figure, while her long, golden blonde hair frames her face perfectly. This woman, this goddess is undoubtedly the girl of countless boys’ dreams, myself included- though my dreams would inevitably involve being her far more than being with her...

“Is this Liam?” Laura asks, ignoring her sister’s pleas and my blushes as she looks at my screen.

“Is there a reason you barged in here, or are you just being a ‘Ricky’?” Lily asks as I wonder what exactly a ‘Ricky’ is supposed to be.

“Yeah, we wanted to know if you wanted to watch Netflix with us,” Laura replies.

“Well- sure, when I'm done with my homework,” Lily says. “I’ll be down at 8, assuming I don’t get interrupted again!”

“Yes, yes, okay,” Laura says, giggling as my friend rolls her eyes again. “Bye Liam!” I nervously grin and wave as the tall blonde girl slinks out of the room, leaving her sister to sigh and roll her eyes as she turns her attention back to me.

“Ugh, sorry about that,” Lily sighs. "Like, she could easily have sent me a Facebook message, but- yeah. Wouldn't have been able to eavesdrop that way, heh."

“Yeah, big sisters, been there, done that, believe me,” I reply. Been there and had far more than just that done to me as well, I think to myself.

“Ah- yeah, I forgot, sorry,” Lily chuckled.

“S’okay,” I shrug, before taking a deep breath. Now’s as good a time as any to ask, I think to myself. “I guess- I guess it got easier for you, though, after- after, like, the change?”

“…What change?” Lily asks, frowning with confusion.

“You know, y- your change,” I reply, fidgeting as I begin to suspect I may have been mistaken about Lily- or at the very least, misled by Harry. “Like… when you used to be a boy?”

“When I used to be a WHAT?” Lily asks, an angry scowl instantly spreading across her face. “I- I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

“Umm… are- aren’t you-“ I stammer, my entire body tensing up as her rage only grows.

“You- you think I’m trans?” Lily asks. “Is- is that why you wanted to work with me? You- you absolute sicko! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I- I’m-“ I babble, my mind racing as Lily continues her angry diatribe.

“For the record, no, I’m not trans,” Lily shouts. “And no, I definitely will NOT prove it to you! So I suggest you take your wank fetish or whatever the hell you have going on and point it somewhere else!” I’m left stunned into silence as Lily angrily ends the call, before laying back down on my bed and moaning with pain.

I was so certain- after all, Harry pointed at Lily and said ‘there’s a reason the school is known as the trans school’. What else could he have meant? Did I touch a nerve by suggesting that Lily could be trans? Has she had a bad experience with a trans person in the past? All these questions and many, many more flood my mind as I try to think of what I could have said differently, what I SHOULD have said differently, and most importantly of all, what I can say tomorrow to try to make the situation better- or at the very least, prevent Lily from blabbing all over the school that I was asking about what it’s like to be trans…

Unsurprisingly, I don’t get much sleep that might, and when my alarm wakes me the following morning, my head is throbbing from the worry of what Lily will say- not to mention the worry of losing a potential friend. Or worse yet, a potential pathway to becoming 'Lisa'.

Right now, the last thing I want to do is head into school and be faced with an angry Lily, and worse still, a mocking Harry. The way I feel right now, I’m barely up to leaving the house, let alone going into school, but every time I’ve tried to pull a sickie in the past, I’ve been sent into school by mum and dad, no matter how poorly I actually felt. Sonia will no doubt feel the same way- the last thing she wants is to have to take care of me while trying to work from home as well. Then again, there IS a reason why she’s working from home- a reason that didn’t exist all the previous times I tried to pull a sickie…

“Morning, Liam,” Sonia says, frowning as I stumble out of my bedroom wrapped in my dressing gown and coughing loudly. “Ah- no. If you’re feeling unwell, don’t come near me.”

“Yeah- sorry,” I feebly croak.

“Well- I suppose it’s not your fault,” Sonia shrugs as I immediately start to feel relieved that I Won't have to deal with the fallout from last night's call- at least not today, anyway. “Going back into school with all the other kids I suppose it was inevitable. I’ll find you a lateral flow test, once that comes back positive, I’ll ring the school for you.” Crap! I think to myself. I forgot she had tests…

“Umm, okay,” I mumble, trying not to sigh. Still, with how high infection rates are at the moment, there’s always the chance that I HAVE caught covid and I’m just not showing symptoms yet. Well, not real symptoms, anyway.

Inevitably, though, my test comes back negative, and despite my protests I’m ushered back into my bedroom to change into my uniform for the day ahead. Not long afterward, I’m out the door and making the short journey to school, my anxiety levels rising with every step I take, which is only made worse as memories of my childhood come flooding back to me yet again.

“What now?” I feebly moaned as I heard the bell ring from the front room. It was the summer holiday, meaning that while mum and dad were at work, Sonia and Melanie were looking after me. Except that this was Sonia and Melanie, so 'looking after' didn't mean the same as it did for most other families, and as Melanie was poorly, I was doing most of the ‘looking after’.

“Nurse Lisa, your patient needs you!” Sonia called from the living room, before laughing uproariously as I entered the room. Though it’s more my ‘nurse’s uniform’ that they’re laughing at. They tried to reassure me by saying ‘it’s not a dress, it’s just a long t-shirt’, but that doesn’t explain why I’m had to wear a pair of her tights underneath it instead of trousers…

“Get your patient a glass of orange juice, nurse,” Sonia ordered from her chair as Melanie laid on the sofa with a blanket over her. Knowing better than to argue, I simply headed into the kitchen and prepared the requested drink, hoping that the torment would end soon- but at the same time, hoping that I could cling on to the feeling of being a girl, of being ‘Lisa’ for as long as possible.

However, just as I was putting the bottle of orange juice back in the fridge, I heard a sound that let me know that, for better or worse, I would soon go back to being ‘Liam’. Because of the way our old house in Luton was laid out, the main living room was on the opposite side of the house to the driveway, while the kitchen was right next to it. This meant that when dad’s car made an unexpected early return, I could hear it clearly while my sisters couldn’t over the noise of the television. And when dad came through the back door, looked at me in my ‘uniform’ and sighed, I braced myself for the usual telling off- however, as always, it wasn’t me who was on the receiving end of it.

As always, dad ordered me to change back into my- well, ‘Liam’s’- clothes. As always, dad read my sisters the riot act. And as always, I knew that it wouldn’t make any difference, that I would again be ‘Lisa’ within a few days anyway. And as much as it- at the time- made me feel ashamed, a part of me was sincerely looking forward to it…

As my mind returned to the present, I found myself feeling more and more nervous with every step I took. Back when I lived in Luton, obviously nobody at my school knew about ‘Lisa time’- my sisters were cruel but knew that THAT would’ve been a line too far, even by their standards. However, I’m still the new kid in this school, and Lily isn’t family, and after last night, isn’t even a friend, so she’d have no issues with ruining my life to prove a point to me…

As I set foot in the school building, I try to make my way to my form room as quickly as possible, hoping to avoid Harry and especially Lily, however as I turn the corner into the main entrance hall, I run into the girl who yelled at me last night. However, the angry look she sported at the end of our call has been replaced by a sullen, almost ashamed look. I brace myself for yet another argument as she approaches me, though I'm completely caught off guard when she doesn't shout, but speaks in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“H- hey, Liam,” Lily says. “Can- can we talk, please? Somewhere, like, quiet, before form?”

“Umm, sure,” I say, my tension levels remaining high as we walk to a more secluded part of the entrance hall. However, once again, I’m surprised by Lily's demeanour.

“I- I want to apologise for shouting at you last night,” Lily mumbles. “I shouldn’t have- well, shouldn’t have been offended at you thinking I was trans, ‘cause as my sister REALLY reminded me last night, it’s not something to be ashamed of, so -yeah. I should’ve just said ‘sorry, you’ve got the wrong idea’ and just, like, left it at that.”

“Umm, okay, apology accepted,” I say, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief- this is probably the best-case scenario that I could have hoped for. “And- and for what it’s worth, I- it was, like, Harry who, like, confused me about the whole trans thing, you know?”

“What, the dickhead from your form?” Lily snorts. “Yeah, sounds about right. What did he say, exactly?”

“Oh, umm, he just, like, pointed at you and said ‘there’s a reason the school’s known as the trans school’,” I reply. “So- yeah.”

“Well- okay, I guess I can see how that’d make you, you know, confused,” Lily mumbles. “So- so why’d you want to work with me, then?” Crap! I think to myself as I desperately try to think of an excuse.

“Well- umm,” I say, my mind scrabbling for an answer. “I just, you know- umm, wanted- wanted to, like, be supportive, that’s all. I’ve, you know, never met- well…”

“I- I think I get it,” Lily says, smiling sympathetically, before frowning as she checks her watch. “Ugh, we’d better get going, don’t want to be late for form, heh. But I’m happy to keep chatting at break, if that’s what you want. There’s plenty of space at our table- heh, even with the ‘extra space’ that we’re meant to be keeping between us, like. Unless you’d rather hang out with Harry and the other dickheads?”

“…Break sounds great!” I chuckle, smiling as Lily lets out a cute giggle before heading away, leaving me relieved, but confused. I wasn’t imagining it when Harry said ‘this school is known as the trans school’, nor was I imagining him gesturing to Lily when he said that. Why he said it, though, is more of a mystery than ever, though one thing’s for certain- I don't dare ask Harry, as while Lily may have been understanding of my faux pas, he definitely wouldn't be.

Nonetheless, I sit next to Harry during form as usual, and with other boys from my form for the first two lessons of the day. Eventually, though, the bell rings to signal the start of our first break time, and rather than head to the field where I know Harry and the other boys will be kicking a ball around, I instead head toward the table where I first met Daisy, Lily and the others a month ago.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy loudly exclaims, making me smile as a space is cleared for me between her and a shorter girl with glasses from my form- a space I happily take. I am surprised I'm not the only boy at the table, though.

“Hi Liam, welcome to the fun table,” Lily says, clearly grinning behind her mask. “I’ll handle the introductions, hehe! You already know Daisy, on the other side of you is Bailey, who was at primary school with Daisy.”

“And I think you’re in my form too, aren’t you?” I ask the bespectacled girl, who blushes and lowers her head.

“Y- y- y- yeah,” Bailey replies in a voice barely louder than a whisper, and I bite my lip as disapproving looks come across the faces of the others at the table.

“Bailey, she- she kinda has a stammer,” Lily says softly as my classmate’s cheeks flush further and tears form in her eyes, while I already start to feel myself shrinking in my seat.

“I- i- i- i- i- it’s okay,” Bailey mumbles. “I- I- I- I- I just d- d- d- don’t, like, n- n- n- not comfort-t-table talking to new p- p- p- people.”

“Well you- don’t feel that you’re, like, obliged to talk to me,” I say, hoping to ease the poor girl’s anxiety. “I mean, if you don’t want to, like.” Unsurprisingly, Bailey doesn’t say anything, but the look in her eyes lets me know I’m off the hook for now.

“Anyway,” Lily says, regaining my attention, “next to Bailey is Ariadna.”

“But I don’t mind being called ‘Ari’ for short,” the raven-haired girl says in a mild eastern-European accent.

“Next to Ari is Farah,” Lily continues as the girl next to Ari, a pretty Pakistani girl wearing a hijab, smiles and playfully waves at me. “Next to Farah is Jason, who’s the best friend of Danny, who’s the boyfriend of Molly, who’s the best friend of me, hehe! normally there'd also be three year 10 girls at our table, Bryony, Sabrina and Jo, but we're not allowed to hang out anymore for obvious reasons, heh.”

“Nice to meet you all,” I say with a shy wave. “I won’t shake hands for those same reasons, heh.”

“You’re forgiven,” Lily says with an obvious grin, which widens as she gets a twinkle in her eye. “As you are for last night too, hehe!” This time, it’s my turn to blush as some of the girls at the table all share Lily’s smug grin, while some of the other girls- including Bailey- frown with confusion.

“W- w- w- what happened l- l- last n- n- night?” Bailey asks.

“Heh… in fairness, Liam did have to forgive ME as well,” Lily replies, only deepening the bespectacled girl’s frown. “Ah… long story short, Liam got me confused with my sister.” Umm… no I didn’t, I think to myself. Lily and her sister don’t look ANYTHING alike at all…

“In- in what way did I do that?” I ask.

“Oh, didn’t- didn’t you pick up on what I said when I apologised to you earlier today?” Lily asks, smiling and nodding her head knowingly as I shake mine. “Ah- okay, well, it’s fair enough as you’ve only been here a few weeks and you haven’t actually MET her, heh. You see, the reason- well, part of the reason this school is known as ‘the trans school’ is because of my sister- she was the first trans student in this school.” My jaw drops as I think back to the video chat last night, where I saw and heard Lily’s sister- and there is no way I would ever have assumed that someone like her could ever have been- well, someone like me.

“…Really?” I ask. “SHE is trans? But she- she’s hot!” Immediately as the words leave my mouth, I feel my cheeks redden as the girls all ‘ooh’ at me.

“Liam likes Laura!” Daisy cheers, laughing loudly as I glare at her.

“Honestly? I don’t blame you,” Jason says with a reassuring smile. “If I didn’t know better, I’d probably fancy her too.”

“And even if you DO know better, she still is attractive,” Lily chastises the boy. “Because being trans doesn’t make her any less of a girl than any of the rest of us at this table, and is nothing to be ashamed of, as she kinda drilled into my head over and over again last night, heh. Not that I thought there ever WAS anything wrong with it, but- yeah. And for the love of god, do NOT tell Laura that I think she’s attractive, the last thing her ego needs is another boost, heh.”

“My lips are sealed,” Molly teases her best friend.

“I think my lips had better be permanently sealed before I talk my way into embarrassing myself any more,” I snort, earning a sympathetic sigh from my new friends.

“Nah, you’re just a BOY, that’s all,” Lily teases me, and I force a smile on my face even as I realise that despite Lily accepting me as a friend- and despite her earlier reassurances- I’m still no closer to being ‘Lisa’ than I was at the start of the school year. And even though I know she means well, what Lily says next really doesn't make me feel any better about my situation.

“And besides, Laura’s taught me an important lesson in the time I’ve known her,” Lily says, before grimacing as she sees the confusion on my face. “Oh- ‘cause she’s not, like, my biological sister, but my stepsister, but I consider he to just, like, be my sister, not ‘step’ or anything.”

“Okay,” I say. “So… what did she teach you?”

“That being girly and feminine is AWESOME,” Lily gushes, grinning widely even as I have to bite my lip to keep myself from crying. “Like, before I met Laura, it was just my dad who was bringing me up, and I didn’t think much about, like, the whole ‘being a girl’ thing, maybe because I was, like, nine, I dunno. But meeting Laura, I got thinking, like, ‘what if I couldn’t have all of this?’, and- yeah. The more I think about, the more I genuinely love being a girl.”

“Totally,” Molly concurs as all of the other girls at the table nod- all apart from me, anyway. “Hair, make-up, clothes, dancing- ah, we- we’re probably boring you, aren’t we?”

“You’re at a girls’ table,” Daisy says in an almost cautionary tone of voice. “If you don’t like talking about girly stuff, you’re gonna get REALLY bored REALLY quickly.”

“And neither or these two are big football fans either, I’m afraid,” Molly says, gesturing to her boyfriend and his friend.

“It’s okay, neither am I,” I say to the approval of the group.

“Though I imagine you’re not much of a ballet fan either?” Molly asks, smiling sympathetically as I force myself to shake my head.

“It’s okay, neither am I, really,” Farah says, though she seems to feel almost as sad about it as I do. “My parents say it’s haram, and in fairness, squeezing myself into skin-tight lycra and contorting myself into weird shapes isn’t really my idea of fun either, heh.”

“Or mine, for obvious reasons,” Daisy says, gesturing to the crutches she uses to help her walk.

“O- o- o- or mine,” Bailey mumbles. “D- d- d- dyspraxia.” I smile sympathetically behind my mask, but even this is enough to make the shy girl blush once again.

“Though as we’ve told them a hundred times,” Ari says, “that doesn’t stop them from being as girly as all of us. I mean, if my family still lived in Poland, I probably wouldn’t be a ballerina like Lily and Molly. Though yes, I WAS born in England, so it isn’t a great comparison.”

“Not to mention the fact that your parents literally won the lottery,” Molly reminds the raven-haired girl, who giggles and blushes.

“…Only half a million,” Ari mumbles.

“ONLY half a million,” Lily teases, before giggling and turning her attention back to me. “But anyway, Liam, you’ve got to know a lot about us, we want to know more about you! I think you said you moved here over the summer from Luton? Did your parents get a new job or something, something they couldn’t do from home?” Needless to say, this causes me to bite my lip as tears almost instantly form in my eyes- especially as the group all turn to me, expecting an answer.

“Ah- no, no,” I mumble, my cheeks flushing as I realise that this answer isn’t enough for my new friends. “My parents, they- they died over the summer holiday. In a car crash.” I bite my lip harder as I suddenly see all of the colour drain from Lily’s face and tears quickly form in her own eyes, as Daisy gives my shoulder a firm, but supportive squeeze.

“Oh- oh my god,” Lily whispers. “I- I am so, SO sorry Liam, if I’d known, I- ugh. I feel like a TOTAL jerk now…”

“No, there’s no way you could’ve known,” I mumble. “I mean, it’s not like I advertise it, and you- you’re the first people I’ve told at school, so- yeah.”

“Yeah, but still, though,” Lily sighs. “I feel REALLY bad about going off at you last night.”

“Don’t- honestly,” I say. “Let- let’s just put this behind us, okay?”

“Well, whenever you need a friend to talk to, you know where to come,” Lily says gently.

“Totally,” Molly concurs. “Are you on Facebook? I’ll add you when I get home, if you want you can join our evening group chats too.”

“Sure, sounds great!” I chuckle. “And thanks, it- it’s nice to, like, make some proper friends.”

“You can never have too many friends,” Daisy says in an uncharacteristically subdued voice as the others at the table all knowingly nod. And I’ve certainly made more friends in the last ten minutes than I did in the last ten years, whether here in London or at home in Luton. Better friends, too- they barely know me, but their first instinct on learning of my parents was to comfort me, to show me support and friendship. God knows Harry probably wouldn’t have reacted that way- though I’m not looking forward to how he’ll react to finding out that I’ve joined Lily & co.’s table.

And, of course, I don’t have long to wait to find out his reaction, as the boy is waiting for me when I leave my next lesson before lunch.

“Were you hanging out on the freaks’ table at break?” Harry asks before I even have the chance to walk ten feet down the corridor. Charming, I think to myself, but I know there's no point in getting angry- especially as Harry is larger than me.

“…Lily wanted to talk to me,” I half-heartedly reply.

“What did she want to do, show you her dick?” Harry says with a mean snort of laughter.

“Umm… she isn’t trans, though?” I retort.

“Her sister is, that’s close enough,” Harry scoffs. “So, you playing football or what?” I briefly pause to consider my decision, but when my options are ‘playing a sport I hate with morons I also hate’ or ‘hanging out with new and genuine friends who seem to genuinely like me’, it’s no decision at all.

“Nope,” I reply, trying not to roll my eyes as my now-former friend sneers.

“Loser,” Harry snorts. “Don’t blame me when everyone in school thinks you’re a freak too.”

“Whatever,” I retort, letting out a sigh as I turn my back and walk away. Harry might be right that I’ve just made life at school a lot harder for myself- the secret to school, which I’ve long since learned, is to not draw attention to yourself in any way and you’ll be fine. And the one thing that everyone at the table is good at- even Bailey, despite (or maybe even because of) her shyness- is drawing attention to themselves. As bad as it sounds, I can almost see why Harry and the other morons would consider them to be ‘freaks’, but after just ten minutes of hanging out with them, I can tell that all of them are genuinely nice people, despite- or maybe because of- their differences. And god knows, they’re all a lot more likely to accept ‘Lisa’ than Harry ever was- not that I dare tell any of them about 'her' just yet…

Needless to say, everyone at the table greets me like an old friend when I arrive at the start of the lunch period, and I’m quickly directed to what I suppose is now my regular seat between Daisy and Bailey, the former of whom greets me with a loud ‘hi’ while the latter meekly waves and smiles. Within seconds, I’m drawn into a conversation about the girls' latest PE lesson, and even though I have nothing to actually contribute, for the first time since I started at this school, I’m actually sad when the bell rings to signal the end of lunch and the start of our final lesson of the day.

However, I’m also- again for the first time- happy when the bell rings to signal the end of the school day and eager to head back home- something my sister immediately picks up on.

“Hi Liam,” Sonia says as she briefly looks up from her work. “Good day at school?”

“Better than most have been,” I reply with a genuine smile.

“Well- glad to hear it,” Sonia says with a warm chuckle. “I’m going to be working until 6pm so is a Deliveroo okay for dinner?”

“Sure,” I reply as I drop my bag, kick off my shoes and take my phone out of my pocket, grinning as I log into Facebook to find several friend requests waiting for me from my new friends?

“No homework today, then?” Sonia asks in a semi-teasing voice.

“It’ll take half an hour, tops,” I reply, keeping my attention on my phone. “I’m just adding a few of the-“ ‘guys’ is probably the wrong word here, I think to myself. “-People from school on Facebook.”

“Ahh, great!” Sonia beams as I feel my cheeks redden again. “It’s good you’re making new friends. Are they all boys, or are any of them girrrrls?” Naturally, I know what Sonia’s implying by her emphasising her final word, but despite myself, I still answer honestly anyway.

“Most of them are girls, actually,” I reply.

“Oh really?” Sonia asks, a wide grin spreading across her face, which gets quickly replaced by a contemplative smirk. “Well, if you’re going to do any video chats, let me know and I’ll know not to disturb you.”

“Thanks,” I say, musing how Lily’s sister didn’t offer her the same courtesy- then again, Lily’s sister isn’t also her surrogate parent. As I look through my new friends’ Facebook walls, I’m reminded of Sonia’s promise when I first moved in- that she would take her new responsibilities seriously, and that she absolutely wouldn’t force me to become ‘Lisa’ in the way she and Melanie did when they- we- were younger. For the first time ever, though, I’m beginning to wonder whether not forcing me to become 'Lisa' means I'm also not forbidden from becoming 'Lisa'- after all, Lily's sister was obviously not forbidden by her parents from becoming 'Laura'...

Later that evening, I have a wide smile on my face as I sit down on my bed with my laptop and sign into Zoom, as within seconds I’m drawn into a group chat with all of the new friends I made today and a few more faces I don’t recognise.

“Hi Liam, welcome to the madhouse!” Lily teases as everyone greets my arrival with wide, genuine smiles. “Girls, this is Liam, who I told you about, Liam, say hi to Sabrina, Bryony and Jo- they’re the girls I told you about in year 10 and can’t hang out with us at lunchtime cause of distancing blah blah blah etc.”

“H- hi,” I say, nervously waving at the three young women, all of whom smile and wave back. Thankfully, everyone on screen has their name displayed so I don't lose track of who everyone is- I've never even dreamed of having this many friends before.

“Nice to meet you, Liam!” Sabrina says with an excited giggle. “How’s you end up on the coolest table in the school?”

“Heh,” I laugh meekly at Sabrina’s teasing- though I'm forced to wonder if she is aware of how Harry and his morons view the table, and whether or not she's being ironic in her choice of words. “I, umm, we- me and Lily were working together on a project for IT, and- yeah, that’s about it, really.”

“He may have skipped a couple of steps,” Lily teases as I desperately try to stop blushing. “Liam came up to me in IT and asked if I wanted to work with him, I said yes and he- he kinda ‘mistook me for my sister’, if you get what I mean.” I bite my lip as Lily’s cheeks start to redden, but then, much to my surprise, one of the older girls interjects.

“What, he- he thought you were trans?” Bryony asks, looking contemplative- just as Sonia did- as Lily nods. “And now he’s sitting at the table? Huh…”

“Bry?” Sabrina asks. “You okay?”

“Hmm?” Bryony replies. “Umm, yeah, just- just remembering something, that’s all. It’s nothing, heh. So, umm, Liam, you- you support trans issues, right?”

“He wouldn’t be in this call if he didn’t,” Lily says, before the topic of conversation moves on and I find myself sitting back and listening, just as I did at lunch.

The fact that supporting trans issues seems to be a requirement for entry into this group fills me with confidence and optimism, and I start to believe that if any of the girls were to learn about ‘Lisa’, I would be accepted. At the very least, whether as 'Lisa' or 'Liam', I’ll have a great group of friends going forward- especially Bailey, who offers (via text, dur to her stammer) to sit next to me in form tomorrow, since Harry probably isn’t going to want to anymore.

As much as I enjoy talking with the group, though, the fact remains that as the conversation goes on, I find myself feeling increasingly sidelined. While ‘Lisa’ might have things in common with the girls, ‘Liam’ certainly doesn’t, especially when they talk about things like dancing, fashion and celebrities- all things that I know ‘Lisa’ would love. Or rather, I think ‘Lisa’ would love these things. I HOPE she would, anyway. Because these girls on my screen are my best chance of ever being ‘Lisa’ again- even if it’s just on a temporary, or even one-off basis…