“Liam! Come here!” I hear a voice yell, making me grunt as my eyelids flicker open and I take in my surroundings — my bedroom in Sonia’s flat, with bright sunlight streaming through a gap in my curtains. However, it isn’t Sonia who’s calling me. “Liam! I haven’t got all day!”

“Just a sec,” I mumble in reply as I stretch my tired body and reach for my phone to check the time. Apparently, though, even this short delay is too long as moments later the door to my bedroom swings open and Melanie marches in, throwing open my curtains and snatching my sheets off my body despite my best efforts to keep myself covered.

“Come on, wakey wakey!” Melanie says — or rather, demands. “I can’t stay for long and I want to see you before I go!”

“You couldn’t give me a little privacy?” I feebly mumble as I grab my dressing gown and cover my pyjama-clad body.

“What do you have in here that’s so private you can’t share it with me?” Melanie protests, and before I can even try to think of a response, she lets out a derisive snort of laughter. “That’s what I thought. You know, we ARE the only family we have left, right? You should want to spend more time with us.”

“Yeah,” I mumble as my cheeks start to flush. “Sorry.”

“Ah, finally!” Sonia teases as I slink out of my bedroom and sit down in my usual spot on the sofa. “Thought you were gonna sleep all day!”

“It’s not THAT late,” I moan as I check my phone, which reveals that it’s only 9:45am, extremely early for a Saturday — especially a Saturday in the summer holiday. However, the number of notifications on my phone (which I usually switch to silent overnight) tell me that I’m not the only one of my friends awake at this time — though I’m not able to check what they’ve said before my sister jumps down my throat yet again.

“Liam, you know it’s rude to be looking at your phone when you have guests, don’t you?” Melanie sneers.

“…Sorry,” I mumble as I put my phone back in my dressing gown pocket, while Sonia and Melanie continue the conversation they were having before I got up. I couldn’t tell you what they’re talking about, though, thanks to a combination of my tired brain and the fact that at no point do they include me in their conversation — just like when we were kids. The only thing that keeps me from falling back to sleep is wondering what the messages from my friends might say, and whether they’ll result in any change to the current tension in our small group of friends.

Initially, we — by which I mean myself, Bailey, Daisy and Farrah , aka 'the misfits' — had assumed, or rather, hoped that after Bryony came out, the group would settle back into the dynamics it had had before. Specifically, the four of us in one ‘subgroup,’ Lily, Molly and Ari in another and Jo, Sabrina and Bryony, the three girls a year ahead of the rest of us, in the third ‘subgroup’ with Bryony and Sabrina returning to the best friends that they always had been. I had been particularly counting on this — after all, it would prove that the girls were as open and accepting of LGBT issues as they so proudly proclaimed to be. However, that’s not what happened.

Rather than talking through her issues with Sabrina, Bryony has kept her distance from her and the rest of the group to the point where she spends the bulk of her free time hanging out (online, despite Covid restrictions being greatly lifted last week) with myself, Bailey, Daisy and Farrah, further cementing our 'misfit' status. The start of the summer holidays has only caused this trend to strengthen. As a consequence, the four of us — well, five now, I guess — have had less and less contact with the other five girls of our ‘clique,’ to the point where there are some days where I barely even chat with Lily anymore — the girl who everybody expected would be my girlfriend, and the girl who my sisters are still convinced IS my girlfriend.

“Liam?” Melanie asks, snapping her fingers in front of my face and snapping me out of my daze. “Yoo-hoo, Earth to Liam, anyone home?”

“Daydreaming about one of your many girlfriends again?” Sonia teases, snorting with laughter as I blush.

“Yeah, well, you can play with them anytime,” Melanie says dismissively. Anytime apart from now, apparently, I think to myself. “When you actually work for a living, you don’t get the luxury of six weeks where you do nothing but play around all day.”

“Yes, yes, okay,” I sigh.

“…Charming,” Melanie sneers. “If you’d actually been bothered to listen to what I was saying, I asked you if you knew what Friday was.”

“Well- yeah, obviously I know what Friday is,” I reply, blinking back tears as I try not to think any further about it — something my sister, of course, won’t allow.

“What is it on Friday?” Melanie asks bluntly, staring at me and letting me know she won’t accept silence as an answer.

“You know what it is on Friday,” I reply. “I know, Sonia knows, we all know, okay?”

“So say it,” Melanie insists. “What is it on Friday?”

“I don’t want to say it,” I feebly mumble.

“No, say it,” Melanie insists firmly, almost angrily as Sonia remains silent, both clearly expecting me to comply.

“…It’s a year since mum and dad died,” I mumble, hiding my hands in my sleeve so neither of my sisters see them clench into fists.

“Are you doing anything for it?” Melanie asks, almost like she’s unaffected by the memory of what happened 51 weeks ago.

“I dunno,” I reply with a shrug.

“Well, have you thought about doing anything?” Melanie asks, frowning angrily as I reply with another shrug. “Why not?”

“W- why is it MY responsibility?” I ask incredulously.

“Do you even care about mum and dad?” Melanie asks. “Do you care about their memory?”

“Yes, of course I do!” I reply, my own rage at this interrogation starting to seep through.

“Then why haven’t you thought about doing anything, hmm?” Melanie asks as I feel my head start to burn with anger.

“…I’m going back to bed,” I growl, heading back to my bedroom and not looking back even as my sisters protest.

“Liam! Get back here!” Melanie snarls. “Liam! LIAM! You selfish little shit!” I don’t know how, but I manage to hold my tongue long enough to make it to my bedroom and barricade my door with a chair before flopping down onto my bed and letting out a long scream of frustration into my pillow.

I must have quickly fallen back to sleep as the next thing I hear is a knock on my bedroom door, but the fact that it’s just a polite knock, rather than a loud bang and an attempt to break through my barricade, gives me hope that my sister has at least gained some respect for my privacy.

As it turns out, I am right, but about the wrong sister.

“Liam?” My oldest sister (and, of course, legal guardian) calls through my door. “It’s Sonia. Are you awake? Can I come in?”

“Is Melanie still here?” I ask.

“She left about five minutes ago,” Sonia replies. “Liam, she’s very upset with you for how you behaved, and I am too.” Needless to say, this brings by anger levels up again as I open my door and look my sister in the face.

“How about how she behaved?” I ask. “Barging into my room and giving me an interrogation?”

“She’s been under a lot of strain recently,” Sonia replies. “At work, what with Covid restrictions easing it’s suddenly got a lot busier for her, and she’s having to pick up shifts as well for people who are sick. And, of course, the anniversary is coming up too.”

“It’s coming up for both of us as well,” I remind my sister.

“Yes, well, it won’t kill you to make more of an effort to get along with Melanie,” Sonia says in an almost dismissive voice. “She is the only family we have left, remember? Mum and dad wouldn’t want us to fall out all the time.” And there’s the emotional blackmail, I think to myself as my cheeks flush.

“…Sorry,” I mumble, which thankful seems to placate my sister.

“I’m heading out to meet up with some friends for work,” Sonia explains. “I should be back for lunch, but you’ll need to get your own breakfast. Melanie is right when she says you shouldn’t spend the whole of the summer holiday asleep.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sigh.

“Have you got any plans for today?” Sonia asks, a teasing smile returning to her lips. “Hanging out with any of your hundreds of girlfriends?” I don’t even bother retorting to Sonia that Bailey and co aren’t my girlfriends — any protest will be taken by her as a confirmation and will just invite yet more teasing.

“I don’t know what my friends have planned,” I reply. “I’ll find out when I read the chat.”

“Okay,” Sonia says with a shrug, before sighing. “And- and Liam? Don’t worry about Friday. I — I’ll think of something. It isn’t really fair to put that on your shoulders.” A meagre gesture, but it’s at least something, I guess, I think to myself.

“Thanks,” I mumble, smiling as Sonia leaves the flat before letting out a long, tired sigh.

It doesn’t take me long to get washed, dressed and make myself some breakfast, but each and every one of those steps takes me past Sonia’s ajar bedroom door, and more importantly, what lies within it.

With Covid restrictions being gradually lifted, Sonia is spending more and more time out of the flat, whether that’s going into the office to work or, like she is today, visiting friends face to face. This, obviously, leaves me alone in the flat for hours at a time, my only company being the TV, my phone, my laptop, my PlayStation — and Sonia’s wardrobe.

Every time I walk past Sonia’s room, I can almost hear it calling to me, beckoning me to give in and be ‘Lisa’ once again, even if it’s only for a few minutes. And yet, as much as I desperately want to feel any amount of femininity, I always find myself resisting the urge — not out of any sense of self-control, but out of fear. Fear of what would happen if Sonia came back to find any of her clothes marked, or even a millimetre out of place, or worst of all, if she came back early to find me wearing them.

Sonia has, of course, seen me wearing female clothes — her clothes, even — countless times. But on each of those occasions, despite her assertations at the time, she knows that I was coerced — forced, even. For her to find me dressed in her clothes of my own volition would raise an almost infinite number of questions — questions I simply wouldn’t be able to answer. At the very least, I wouldn't be able to give her an answer that wouldn't immediately generate a million more questions.

Fortunately, whenever I’m feeling stressed, whether it’s about family, school or the constant presence of ‘Lisa’ in my mind, I can always rely on my friends to cheer me up. If nothing else, they'll keep me distracted — even if I can’t stop thinking about the fact that they’ll all be wearing short skirts and summer dresses too, while I’m stuck in my heavy, itchy jeans and t-shirt….

‘Hey everyone,’ I type in our group chat once my breakfast is finished and tidied away. ‘Is there a video chat going?’

‘Hey Liam!’ Daisy replies with several ‘grinning’ emojis. ‘No group chat yet, still waiting on people to get up lol.’

‘It’s just me, you, Daisy and Bailey right now,’ Farah explains.

‘All the cool kids, then,’ I type with a ‘grinning’ emoji that earns ‘giggling’ and ‘eye rolling’ emojis from my friends.

‘All the misfits, more like,’ Daisy types, before sending a string of ‘embarrassed’ emojis. ‘Which I think we all know is the same thing!’

‘Misfits rule!’ Farah types with ‘cheering’ emojis.

‘Absolutely we do,’ Bailey types. ‘You’re up later than usual today, Liam.’

‘Lol not quite,’ I reply. ‘I was awake earlier when my sister dropped round and basically dragged me out of bed.’

‘Ugh, that sucks,’ Daisy types, followed by ‘sad’ and ‘hugging’ emojis.

‘Have they not heard of privacy?’ Farah asks.

‘THEIR privacy, yes,’ I reply with an ‘eye rolling’ emoji. ‘They’re not as bothered about mine.’

‘That’s awful,’ Bailey types. ‘I feel somewhat lucky that my older sister hardly ever cares about what’s in my room.’

‘I’ll try not to be too jealous,’ I reply with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji that earns a ‘giggling’ one back from my friend. ‘They have at least gone out and left me by myself today.’

‘Party at Liam’s place then?’ Daisy asks with a ‘laughing’ emoji that I mirror.

‘Lol if only,’ Farah types. ‘My parents would kill me for going to a party at a boy’s house.’ Naturally, this makes me fidget at the mention of me as a 'boy,' especially with the opportunity to be ‘Lisa’ sitting unattended just a few feet away.

‘Not even a boy who was an honorary girl?’ I ask with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘I’d have a hard time selling that to my dad,’ Farah replies. ‘Deffo wouldn’t have any chance with my brothers lol.’

‘Same,’ types Ari, who must have snuck into the chat without me noticing. ‘My mum and dad really had a problem with Bryony’s sister when Petra hung out with her, and she wasn’t even an ‘honorary’ girl, just a girl.’

‘My brothers simply wouldn’t allow a trans girl under the same roof as them,’ Farah types with a ‘sad’ emoji. ‘I don’t see the problem with it, though. Who’s it hurting?’

‘Totally agree,’ Daisy types, followed by a ‘nodding’ emoji from Bailey, and then a long pause, almost as though the girls are waiting for me to agree — or maybe not just agree, but say something else, something more — something only I know, maybe? I know all of the girls are smart, but surely they can’t be THAT perceptive? Or am I just so easy to read?

My question goes unanswered, though, thanks to the arrival of the final member of our ‘misfits’ — the girl who’s still on everyone’s minds right now.

“Hey girls!’ Bryony types. ‘What have I missed?’

‘Believe it or not, a discussion of LGBT rights,’ Bailey replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘And unanimous agreement from everyone that your sister’s as much a girl as any of us.’ Well, unanimous apart from me, I think to myself. And ‘any of us’ apart from me, too, and that’s not a mistake Bailey usually makes, so presumably she’s just leaving me out so as not to single me out, or maybe she’s not making her message too long, or maybe she IS including me — or maybe I’m just overthinking things, as always….

‘Damn right she is,’ Bryony types with a ‘proud’ emoji. ‘Ash has been SO supportive since I came out, she’s started coming to ballet lessons with me again and even let me hang out with her friends yesterday even though they’re all over 18. It was especially awkward as I’m already taller than most of them!’ I giggle at Bryony’s ‘laughing’ emoji, even as I can't help but muse on how I’m the only member of our group — non-misfits and misfits alike — who’s taller than the 5’ 8” Bryony.

‘Are you going to Miss Fullerton’s summer intensive ballet school?’ Ari asks, and moments later, I get a notification of a message from a different chat.

‘Even here,’ the private one-to-one message from Bailey reads, accompanied by an 'eye roll' emoji.

‘Yep,’ I reply with a ‘laughing’ emoji, before biting my lip and carefully considering the wording of my next message. ‘When you said that everyone unanimously supported Bryony’s sister, did you include me in that?’ I bite my lip as Bailey pauses, before typing for what seems like an eternity.

‘I’m sorry,’ Bailey replies with a ‘sad’ emoji. ‘I didn’t mean to assume, but I thought as you didn’t say otherwise that it’d apply to you too.’

‘That what would apply?’ I ask, my frown deepening — Bailey and I are close, sure, but how can she possibly know?

‘Just that you’d be in favour of LGBT rights,’ Bailey replies. ‘You are, aren’t you?’

‘Of course,’ I reply.

‘What did you think I meant?’ Bailey asks, causing my hands to start shaking — if I type what I really thought my friend meant, one of two things will happen. Either Bailey will reply with something along the lines of ‘don’t be ridiculous,’ and we’ll have a falling out, or she’ll ask me if I do feel like I’m trans and I’ll reply with ‘don’t be ridiculous,’ however much I wish I could tell her the truth — and we’ll have a falling out. Either way, the conversation will end in a disaster and probably cost me my best friend.

‘Nothing important,’ I reply with a ‘smiling’ emoji that really doesn’t reflect my current mood. ‘Reckon they’ve finished talking about pirouettes and stuff yet?’ ‘Stuff’ including pink tights, leotards, tutus, hair buns and all manner of feminine delights, I think to myself with a sad sigh.

‘It’s just Ari and Bryony, and Ari doesn’t even dance en pointe yet, so probably,’ Bailey replies. ‘Hopefully, lol.’ I reply with a ‘smiling’ emoji as we rejoin the main group chat where, as predicted, the topic of conversation has swiftly moved on from dancing, much to Bailey’s relief and my disappointment.

‘We’re still probably not going away anywhere this year, though,’ Ari explains, a quick glance of the previous messages revealing that ‘where or if people are going away on holidays’ is the current subject. ‘I’d really hoped to go back to Poland to see my grandparents, Petra did especially as it’s her last holiday before going to university.’

‘Where’s she going to university?’ Bryony asks. ‘I don’t think you’ve told us yet?’

‘Nottingham,’ Ari replies. ‘She wants to study to teach English as a second language. Where is Ash going to university?’

‘She isn’t!’ Bryony replies with a ‘rolling eyes’ emoji. ‘She said she wants to go out and work and not rack up loads of debt instead.’

‘Don’t all of her friends go to uni though?’ Daisy asks, triggering a pause that makes me frown with confusion until it’s broken by the tall blonde girl.

‘Sabrina’s sister doesn’t,’ Bryony replies.

‘She actually helps teach at the dance school,’ Ari types, half by way of explanation and more in an attempt to spare Bryony’s blushes, the memory of her ‘encounter’ with Sabrina at her birthday obviously still raw in her mind.

‘I think she’s neurodiverse as well,’ Bailey types. ‘University might not be the right environment for her. It isn’t for everyone.’

‘Is Ash worried that she might be discriminated against at uni for being trans?’ I ask, again to try to steer the topic of conversation away from Sabrina for Bryony’s sake and partly because it’s something I’d like to know for my own sake — assuming four years is enough time to muster up the courage to come out, anyway.

‘Lol hardly,’ Bryony replies- though she was typing a lot longer than she normally would for just two words. ‘Universities are some of the safest safe spaces in the world, part of why I can’t wait to go there myself. I think Lily’s sister is the same, hang on, I’ll just get Lily into the convo.’ A few seconds later, Lily joins the chat, and within seconds she’s joined by Molly and Jo — but notably, not Sabrina. Before any of the newcomers can type anything, though, I get a notification of a message from a new chat — or rather, an update of an older chat.

‘Ah well, it was fun getting a word in edgeways in that chat,’ Bailey types with a ‘giggling’ emoji. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love Lily and the others, I really do, and I don’t resent them getting their chance to chat, but they do have larger personalities than I do. Not that that’s much of a challenge lol.’ Even though I’ve long since grown accustomed to my friend’s self-deprecation, it still makes me sigh sadly whenever I see her put herself down like that.

‘It doesn’t matter how ‘big’ someone’s personality is,’ I reply. ‘Surely all that matters is being a good person?’

‘Yes, but Lily and her half of the group are all good people too,’ Bailey retorts. ‘And I know who most people would rather hang out with, including even me.’

‘ ‘Most’ doesn’t equal ‘all,’ ’ I retort, earning a ‘smiling’ and a ‘heart’ emoji from my friend before we both turn our attention back to the main chat.

‘Hey girlies and honorary girlie!’ Lily types with a ‘heart’ emoji of her own. ‘Can’t stay long as I’m in another chat too but I’m not going to turn down the chance to share the love a little!’ Naturally, more ‘heart’ emojis follow in multiple different colours.

‘Hey Lily!’ Daisy types with several ‘heart’ emojis of her own. ‘We’re talking about uni and how safe a space it is for people who are like LGBT or disabled or neurodiverse and things.’

‘Well I’ll let you know in four years,’ Lily — who, like me, is fourteen — replies with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. ‘If you’re asking ‘does Laura think it’s a safe space,’ I’ll let you know if she ever actually goes into uni! Don’t think I’ll be able to stick her hanging around at home for another year, especially as she’s talking about having her operation next summer, so she’ll be laid up the whole time.’

‘Operation?’ Ari asks, to which Lily replies with a ‘pair of scissors’ emoji — the significance of which immediately dawns on me.

‘Maybe close your eyes, Liam,’ Lily types with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘And cross your legs too!’ Molly types with a ‘laughing’ emoji. ‘I’m not sure which crotch assault is worse, that or spending two weeks in tights and leotards at Ms. Fullerton’s summer school.’ Needless to say, I don’t consider either scenario to be that much of an ‘assault.’

‘Ugh, that is gonna SUCK,’ Lily types with a ‘frowning’ emoji. ‘Still, the price we pay to be beautiful ballerinas, right?’

‘I’m actually looking forward to it,’ Jo types. ‘Okay, my feet and, yes, my crotch will disagree with me afterwards, but after a year of being cooped up in my bedroom and not being able to properly dance, it’ll be nice to finally get to practice my skills properly AND hang out with all of you in person.’

‘Oh for sure,’ Molly types. ‘And if Liam wasn’t already closing his eyes at the discussion of Laura’s crotch, he’d better be at the discussion of ours!’

‘Sorry,’ I type with a blushing emoji, which earns several ‘laughing’ and, much to my surprise, ‘hugging’ ones in reply.

‘We’re just kidding, we know you’re one of the non-creepy ones,’ Lily types, making me smile despite the memory of the first time she and I interacted.

‘Also, the other group chat we’re in is about the summer school,’ Molly explains. ‘Hence why can’t stick around, but it was great to catch up and we are SO having a face to face get together this summer when we’re not squeezing ourselves into lycra lol!’

‘Even if you’ll spend all of that face to face ‘face to face’ and ‘lips to lips’ with Danny,’ Lily types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji, which her best friend replies to with a ‘kissing’ emoji while my phone pings to let me know of another incoming private chat message.

‘Less than two minutes and already we got ballet and boys,’ Bailey types with a ‘winking’ emoji that I reply to with a ‘laughing’ emoji before turning my attention back to the main chat, only to discover that the three newcomers have already left.

‘Aren’t you going to ballet summer school this year Bryony?’ Farah asks. ‘You did in 2019, didn’t you?’

‘I did in 2019, but not this year,’ Bryony confirms. ‘I just don’t really have the interest anymore, especially not since my sister will be going to the pre-pointe summer school too.’

‘She’s in the same intermediate class as me,’ Ari — who started the class a long time after Lily, Molly and the others — types. ‘She certainly has a lot of energy! I’m not going to summer school either, but that is not my reason.’

‘Though I wouldn’t blame you if it was lol,’ Bryony types. ‘Mad to think she’ll be in her last year of primary school next year. Even madder to think I’ll be in my last year of secondary school!’

‘I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m looking forward to joining the black tights crew,’ Daisy types, referring to the fact that girls in the first three years of the school have to wear pleated skirts and grey tights, while those in the latter two years of the school can wear straight skirts and black tights. Of course, not everyone has the option of wearing them to school — and as I’m soon reminded, that’s not just me. ‘Ah shit, sorry Farah.’

‘It’s okay,’ comes the reply from the Muslim girl- who, in accordance with her religion, only ever wears trousers to school. ‘Tights are way too itchy anyway, especially when it gets hot.’

‘Should I close my eyes again?’ I ask, smirking at the ‘eye roll’ emojis that my message elicits — but not the messages that follow.

‘BOY,’ Farah, Daisy, Ari and Bryony all type near-simultaneously, and while I’m sure their messages are intended as gentle teasing, they still serve as a reminder to me that I’ll always be an outsider in the group.

‘Normally at this point I’d be making a joke along the lines of ‘boys should have to wear skirts and tights to school,’ but I wouldn’t want to offend Ash even if she isn’t in this chat,’ Bryony types. ‘Though I 100% believe that any boy who wanted to should be allowed to without being afraid of what anyone else might say or do.’

‘Totally,’ Farah types with a ‘smiling’ emoji as, unsurprisingly, I start to lose control of my feelings.

Bryony and Lily’s unconditional love for their trans older sisters, Bailey and Daisy’s consistent support of LGBT issues and now Farah’s message are proof that if any group of girls are going to accept having a transgender friend, it’s this one. They speak of trans celebrities like Jamie-Lee Burke and Stephanie Abbott as if they were no different to cis women. And they’ve all accepted me as an ‘honorary girl’ without a second thought. However, ‘honorary girl’ and ‘girl’ are very different things, as the teasing — however gentle — I’ve received in today’s chat has proved. If I was to tell them ‘I am a girl,’ there’s no guarantee that I’d ever be accepted as such. One thing Bryony and Lily have also talked about is the discrimination, hatred and sometimes even outright violence their sisters have faced, simply for being who they are — sometimes even from members of their own family. And as Sonia is so often quick to remind me, I have very little family left….

‘Anyway, what’s everyone doing tomorrow?’ Ari asks, thankfully quickly enough to prevent an awkward pause in the conversation.

‘Same as I’ve been doing every day during the holiday lol,’ Bryony replies. ‘Will probably get called on to babysit by my parents though. Thank God all my sibs are toilet trained.’ I let out a snicker of laughter at the ‘vomit’ emoji Bryony uses — it’s hard to disagree with her.

‘My parents are visiting my sister tomorrow,’ Bailey types. ‘They don’t want me to come along because of Covid, even if the rules have been relaxed, and thankfully they’ve recently realised I’m old enough to not need a babysitter myself, so I’ll probably be home by myself all day.’

‘Party at Bailey’s house tomorrow then?’ Daisy asks with a ‘laughing’ emoji, which she repeats a further four times when Bailey replies with an ‘angry’ emoji.

‘My parents would kill me,’ Bailey types. ‘I might get away with inviting one friend over.’ I pause as I wait for Daisy, as Bailey’s best and oldest friend, to lay claim to the spot, but much to my surprise, a private message arrives for me a few seconds later.

‘Hi Liam,’ Bailey’s message reads. ‘I get that this is short notice and you can say no if you want to and I’ll understand, but would you like to come to my house tomorrow afternoon? If you don’t want to that’s okay.’ I bite my lip as I read the message — I know how nervous Bailey can be even among friends, and even though we’ve known each other for over ten months, and despite the fact that we see each other face to face at school and text all the time, I'm still by far the newest of all of her friends. For her to have sent me this message must have taken immense courage, and I’m not about to throw it back in her face.

‘I’d love to,’ I reply with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘Let me know the time and date and I’ll be there.’

‘Okay, will do,’ Bailey types, though I know her well enough to know that her demeanour right now won’t be anything like as calm as her words imply.

The rest of the morning’s chat passes by in a blur as I try to mentally psych myself up for tomorrow, and I certainly have a lot to think about before then. I’ve never been invited to another girl’s house before — all of my friends from Luton (if you can call them ‘friends’) were male and we spent most if not all of our time playing basketball in a nearby park. Even when not taking into account Bailey’s disinterest in sport, it's a safe bet that’s probably not going to happen tomorrow. It could well be that she just wants someone to talk to, but with her stammer that’s not likely either. The more I think about it, the more I realise that Bailey probably just wants some company — which raises problems of its own.

Bailey has for months insisted (and sometimes even outright teased me) that Lily fancies me and wants to be my girlfriend. And while I’m flattered, and certainly think that Lily is pretty, too, the flipside of that is that she wants me to be her boyfriend. BOYfriend. And now it looks like Bailey has the same idea… maybe.

Bailey has always been putting herself down when it comes to her looks, and while she may not be as ‘conventionally’ pretty as Lily, Molly or the others, she’s far from ugly. One thing’s for certain — even with her glasses, braces and long, unstyled hair, I’d much rather look like her than like me, than like 'Liam.' And truthfully, Bailey has been such a good friend, so kind and empathetic that anyone would be lucky to have her as a girlfriend. The problem is, like Lily, I don’t want to be anyone’s BOYfriend, and if I have to turn down Bailey, I’ll face an impossible situation — either tell her the truth, and risk not only losing my best friend, but everything else I’ve gained in the past year, or tell her no and not give a reason, thereby breaking her heart, losing my best friend, getting labelled a jerk by all of the other girls and losing everything else that I’ve gained in the last year.

The conundrum I face occupies so much of my mind that I’m still lost in thought after the group chat disperses for lunch, and I’m actually startled when the front door opens and my sister returns, sighing and rolling her eyes when she sees my dirty breakfast plate on the coffee table and my phone in my hand.

“I see you spent the morning productively, then,” Sonia snorts, dropping her handbag on the sofa next to me and kicking off her shoes before sitting down in her usual chair and switching on the TV. “If you haven’t had lunch yet, get yourself some noodles or something out of the cupboard, I kinda need to sit down for a bit.”

“Okay,” I say, putting down my own phone and heading toward the kitchen, hoping that my sister’s return can distract me from the dilemma I face tomorrow. “Did you have fun?”

“I did, thanks,” Sonia replies. “Haven’t seen some of them in over a year for obvious reasons. It’d be good for you to get out of here and meet some of your friends face to face as well, even if you did last see them in the flesh a week ago, heh. Though if you don’t mind, I’d prefer it if they didn’t come round here, at least until Covid’s a bit more under control.”

“Sure,” I say with a shrug, even as I muse that I’d much prefer that too….

“Who’s your boyfriend, Liam?” Melanie asked my 7-year-old self as me and a friend from school got ready to head to the nearest park to play.

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s a friend from school,” I meekly mumbled, believing — naively — that this would satisfy my sisters’ curiosity.

“No go on, tell us who your boyfriend is,” Sonia insisted, making my cheeks flush.

“He’s a friend, not a boyfriend,” I replied in vain.

“No, don’t be shy, tell us who your boyfriend is,” Melanie asked firmly, before being overcome by a fit of giggles. “Are you two gay?”

“What’s ‘gay?’ ” Tommy — my friend — asked.

“ ‘Gay’ means ‘happy,’ ” Sonia explained. “Are you GAY?”

“I dunno,” Tommy replied with a shrug, even as I prayed for him to not reply. “Maybe, I guess?”

“Oh my god, they said it!” Sonia and Melanie squeaked to each other.

“Liam’s got a boyfriend…” Melanie teased in a sing-song voice that made my blood boil.

“When are you getting married?” Sonia yelled after the two of us as Tommy’s mother chaperoned us to the nearby park to play.

“What’s their problem?” Tommy asked as I silently hoped for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “They’re girls, who knows?” Thankfully, this was enough to satisfy my friend, and nothing more was said about the incident. At least, until I got home and my sisters ‘loaned’ me a white dress to wear, before tying a white pillowcase to my head, giving me some plastic flowers to hold and singing ‘here comes the bride’ as I was marched up and down the landing between their bedrooms before our father finally put an end to things.

After this, I was wary of inviting friends over to my house even after my sisters had moved out, though even when I went to my friends' houses instead they’d always tease me and demand to know where I was going — which Sonia is inevitably going to want to know regarding tomorrow.

“Yeah, I — I’m actually going to a friend’s house tomorrow afternoon,” I say, earning a smile and nod from my sister — though the smile quickly widens into one of those that were all too familiar during my childhood.

“Wait a second,” Sonia teases as I feel my entire body tense up at the tone of her voice. “You only have girl friends, don’t you? Oh — oh my god, have you got a girlfriend, Liam? Is it this Lily girl I keep hearing about? Or Bailey? Aren’t you a little Casanova?” I bite my lip to try to stop myself from crying at the teasing, even though I knew it was inevitable.

“She’s just a friend,” I insist, a sliver of anger seeping into my voice that actually seems to take my sister aback.

“Okay, okay,” Sonia says defensively. “No need to get all snippy about it. Are you okay walking there or do you need money for the tube?”

“It’s walking distance, I’ll be fine,” I reply.

“Okay,” Sonia says. “Though I definitely want to meet your friends one of these days, maybe get to know about the Liam that I don’t get to see at school, hehe!”

“…Yeah,” I say, making it clear to my sister that that’s not happening anytime soon, but also hopefully hiding the fact that my school life is far from the biggest secret that she doesn’t know about me….

The rest of the afternoon and evening pass by quickly with my attention being divided between Sonia’s tale of her day, the television and the occasional group chats that spring up. Before heading to bed, I make sure to send one final message to Bailey, letting her know I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

‘Me too,’ Bailey replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘See you tomorrow!’ As cool as she’s sounding in text, I imagine — or rather, I know — that she must be feeling as nervous as I do right now….

Obviously, I don’t get much sleep throughout the night, and at times my tossing and turning is so disruptive that I even contemplate texting Bailey and telling her that I won't be able to come round — after all, it’s not like ‘I’m not feeling well’ is that feeble an excuse with everything that’s going on in the world right now. However, I know that even a legitimate excuse would be too big a disappointment for her, and I care far too much for my friend to do that to her.

I wake the following morning just after 9:30am, considerably earlier than I woke up yesterday, which Sonia inevitably comments on when I head through to the kitchen for breakfast.

“Wow,” Sonia huckles. “Turns out all I needed to do to get you out of bed early was promise you a girl, heh.”

“Hilarious,” I snort. “I’m going to head out at about eleven, if that’s okay?”

“It’s your holiday,” Sonia replies with a shrug. “You’re fourteen, it’s not like I could control every aspect of your life, even if I wanted to. But as you’re about to meet a girl and you ARE fourteen… shall we just pretend we’ve had ‘the talk?’ ”

“Works for me,” I say as I try to stop my cheeks from flushing. “What’ll you be doing today?”

“Other than lamenting the fact that my eleven years younger brother has more of a social AND love life than I do?” Sonia asks, actually making me laugh despite my embarrassment. “Don’t worry about me, I can entertain myself, heh. Might see if Melanie’s free, go for lunch with her.”

“Oh — please, PLEASE don’t tell her about me today…” I say, my whole body immediately tensing up — if I thought Sonia’s teasing was bad, Melanie’s is guaranteed to be a hundred times worse.

“Why not?” Sonia asks, before rolling her eyes and sighing as my cheeks glow an even brighter red. “Okay, if it means that much to you, I’ll keep quiet. But like I said yesterday, you do need to find a way to get on better with her. Maybe ask your counsellor about that next time you speak with them.”

“Sure,” I whisper as I grab my breakfast and sit myself down on the sofa, but keeping to myself the fact that right now, mending bridges with Melanie — or as it would more likely be known, giving in and letting her mercilessly tease me as much as she wants — is an absolute non-priority for me right now.

Unsurprisingly, I don’t have much of an appetite this morning, but I still finish all of my breakfast before having a quick shower and heading back to my bedroom to get ready for the day ahead. I don’t have any difficulty picking out an outfit — jeans and a t-shirt, obviously — but all of the paranoid thoughts I had last night are much more difficult to resolve.

It’s still a surprise to me that Bailey, the shyest girl I’ve ever met, invited me to her house today instead of Daisy or one of her other girl friends. Okay, we’ve grown close over the last ten months to the point where I consider Bailey to easily be my best friend, and if I was allowed to invite one person to my home, it’d be her. However, I would never expect her to accept the invitation, especially considering the ‘visuals’ of a fourteen year old girl and a fourteen year old (reluctant) boy being alone in a home together. Indeed, there’s still a part of me that expects Bailey to live up to that stereotypical image despite her shyness — something I’d have no objection to, except for the fact that eventually, she’ll want to get to know the ‘real Liam’ more, and there’s still no telling how she’d react to learning that the ‘real Liam’ would prefer to be called ‘Lisa.’

I try — in vain — to put these thoughts out of my mind as I leave the flat (followed by a barrage of teasing from my sister, naturally) and make the short walk to my friend’s house, enjoying the relatively quiet streets of a summery Sunday morning. All I really need to know about today is that I’m going to spend a fun morning and afternoon alone with my best friend.

When I knock on Bailey’s front door, though, I realise that that might not be the case.

“Who are you?” asks the middle-aged man who answers the door, and it doesn’t take a genius to work out that this is Bailey’s dad.

“Ah — hi, umm, Mr. Perrin?” I reply nervously. “I — I’m Liam, is — is Bailey in?” I bite my lip to keep myself from trembling with nerves as the older man assesses me, making me feel like a little kid despite the fact that he’s at most an inch taller than me.

“Bailey!” The older man yells, reassuring me that I have at least got the right house, even if that fact does nothing to settle my nerves. Fortunately, my friend replaces her father at the door moments later, though if anything, she looks even more nervous than I feel.

“H- hi L- Liam,” Bailey says in a voice barely louder than a whisper once her father is out of earshot.

“Hi,” I say softly. “Did I — did I get the wrong time or something?”

“N- no, m- my sister d- decided on a ch- change of p- p- plans,” Bailey replies, sighing and shaking her head.

“Should I — should I come back some other time?” I ask. “I mean, we’ve got the whole holiday, so-”

“N- no,” Bailey says, interrupting me with an uncharacteristically determined look on her face. “W- we’re still under s- six p- people, we sh- should be f- fine. And I- I w- want you to c- come in. P- p- please?”

“Well — sure,” I say, taking a deep breath before following my friend into her house, and immediately freezing when I realise that her front door leads directly into her living room, where her family are all currently sat.

Bailey’s mother, father and sister all immediately turn to face me, the latter of whom quickly draws my attention. Unlike Bailey, she is tall, slender, has long, straight blonde hair and is immaculately made-up and wearing stylish, expensive-looking clothes. Bailey, meanwhile, is wearing a knee-length floral dress and black cardigan that wouldn’t look out of place on someone six times her age, thick black tights despite the summer heat, no make-up and long, unstyled curly brown hair. Together, they look a lot like Amy and Penny from the Big Bang Theory, with Bailey obviously as the former. However, unlike Amy and Penny, these two girls very clearly aren’t best friends.

“Hey Bailey,” Tia — Bailey’s sister — says in a teasing voice almost identical to the one I’ve heard throughout my life from my sisters. “Who’s your BOYfriend?”

“Th- th- th- this is m- m- m-” Bailey stammers, almost shaking with fear.

“M- m- m- m-,” Tia mocks her sister, not stopping even as I frown with disgust. Fortunately for my friend, though, their father is quick to step in. Just like my father did when I was a child, come to think of it. Are all families as dysfunctional as mine?

“Tia, that’s enough,” Mr. Perrin chastises his older daughter, whose smug expression remains on her face regardless. “We would offer you a drink, young man, but with what’s going on in the world right now, I hope you’ll understand if we don’t.”

“Y- yeah, I’ll be fine, thanks,” I say, fidgeting awkwardly as Bailey takes a deep breath to try to speak again, only for her other parent to cut her off.

“We were just on our way out, anyway,” Mrs. Perrin says with a warm smile that her youngest daughter mirrors, especially as Tia’s face contorts into a pout — it doesn’t take a genius to suss out that they actually did intend to go out all along, they just hung back long enough to meet me and suss me out and, in the case of her sister, get in a little fun at my friend’s expense. “We’ll be back around 4pm, will you be okay until then?”

“Probably more than o-” Tia teases, before being abruptly cut off.

“Tia,” Mr. Perrin cautions again, before looking directly at me and nodding. “It was nice meeting you, Liam.”

“L- likewise,” I say, smiling and waving politely as the three adults all put their shoes on and leave us alone, my friend letting out a long sigh of relief once we’re alone.

“Ugh,” Bailey moans, guiding me to the sofa and sitting down next to me once her family have closed the door behind them. “S- s- sorry about th- them, they — I- I think th- they j- just-”

“Don’t — honestly, no apology necessary,” I chuckle. “You haven’t met my sisters, heh.” And there’s a part of me that hopes you never have to, I think to myself, aware of how my friend might misinterpret it if I said it out loud.

“A- are they as b- bad as T- Tia, then?” Bailey asks.

“They — they can be much worse,” I reply, biting my lip — Bailey’s sister presumably never treated her as their own personal dress-up doll, for starters. “But anyway, never mind them. What is — what is it you want to do today?”

“Oh, umm, I — umm…” Bailey replies, it suddenly becoming painfully clear that she hasn’t actually thought this far ahead.

“Well — umm, what — what do you and Daisy normally do when you hang out together?” I ask.

“Oh, w- we n- normally t- talk about, umm, stuff,” Bailey replies. “G- girl stuff, stuff y- you m- might not l- like, I m- mean, umm….” I bite my lip as tears start to well in my friend’s eyes- clearly something’s tearing her apart, and I have the horrible feeling that it’s me….

“Am I — am I upsetting you?” I ask softly. “Would you — do you want me to leave?”

“Oh — no, no, p- please, please stay,” Bailey says. “I j- just — I dunno. I th- thought if w- we spent t- time together, l- like when we ch- chat, just you and m- me, we m- might get to, m- maybe know each other b- better?”

“…Sounds good to me,” I reply with a shrug. “I — I really enjoy our chats too. So… how bad is your sister, like, really? ‘Cause in the past, you’ve always said that she’d kinda, like, indifferent to you, but today, it — it really reminded me of growing up with my sisters?”

“N- normally she can b- be okay,” Bailey replies. “I th- think b- because she knew a b- boy was coming round, sh- she, I don’t know, she t- took an opportunity, or something. Lucky that I h- had my p- parents here, and — oh — oh god….”

“Bailey?” I ask, concerned as tears form in my friend’s eyes again.

“I- I’m s- so sorry,” Bailey groans. “M- me talking about my p- parents when y- you…” I bite my lip as I pick up on what friend is talking about and tears start to form in my eyes. If my own parents had been around, there’s no way in hell they’d have let Melanie get away with her behaviour yesterday morning.

“It’s okay,” I whisper softly. “I mean, it is kinda, umm, nearly the one-year anniversary, next week, in fact-”

“Ohh…” Bailey moans, almost doubling over in anguish.

“It — it’s okay,” I say, placing a comforting hand on my friend’s back as she almost hyperventilates. “You — there’s literally no way you could’ve known that, okay? You don’t ever have to feel guilty about it. I promise. So- so come on, tell me about your sister. You and her couldn’t be any more different?”

“N- not really,” Bailey replies, taking several deep breaths to calm herself down. “Sh- she’s into th- things like fashion, and m- make-up…”

“So she’s, like, shallow, then?” I ask.

“O- or m- more like ‘interesting,’ ” Bailey replies. “S- sometimes I f- feel like n- nothing next to her…”

“Oh, you — you are not nothing,” I reply, smiling despite the incredulous look on my friend’s face. “Seriously. You’re kind, you’re smart, you’re empathetic — I mean, not just with me when it comes to my parents, but how you treated Bryony with kindness when she came out?”

“I- I c- can’t imagine not b- being k- kind to people I lo- like,” Bailey replies.

“Everybody would be lucky to have a Bailey Perrin in their life,” I say with sincerity, making my friend cry again — though this time, I can tell they’re tears of happiness. “Seriously. Your sister should be the one envying you, not the other way round.”

“That’s n- never happening,” Bailey snorts. “S- sometimes I w- wish I c- could give it all up just to b- be as p- pretty as her.”

“Yeah, me too,” I sigh sadly, before suddenly tensing up as I realise what I just said. “Uh- umm, I — I mean that you shouldn’t want to, you know, give up on who you are, when you want to be different and — umm….” My cheeks start to flush as Bailey looks at me confusedly.

“L- Liam?” Bailey asks. “A- are you ok- kay? When you s- said ‘m- me too,’ you m- meant — umm, a- are you ok- kay?”

“I- I — umm…” I stammer as I try to calm my racing mind.

Obviously Bailey would pick up on my slip of the tongue — she is a very smart a perceptive girl, after all. And how many different ways are there to interpret a fourteen-year-old boy saying ‘I wish I was as pretty as my older sisters,’ anyway? I could say ‘I wish I was confident like them,’ or ‘I wish I was popular like them,” but Bailey would see through those excuses in a second. And more to the point… I don’t WANT to keep this secret anymore. Sure, I have my counsellor who I can and do speak to, but that’s only once a week, they don’t ‘really’ know me other than professionally and they don’t even specialise in gender dysphoria. Bailey, on the other hand, is probably my best friend, she’s kind, empathetic and has never shown anything but total support for LGBT issues, as she showed when she supported Bryony after she came out. Okay, there’s no guarantee that she’ll support me if I come out — being gay and being trans are two very different things, after all — but no matter how hard I rack my brains, I realise I have no other option. And the truth is that I’ll never get a better opportunity than this.

“I — I said ‘me too,’ ” I explain, “because I — I always wished that I was a girl….”

TO BE CONTINUED