Being Joanna:
Regret Five
Conception
A 6 Chapter Fanfic of 'Being Erica'
The CBC TV series that concluded 12/2011
What was the regret that Joanna omitted from her list?
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.
My life had been going better than I had expected. Instead of getting a ride aboard a Soyuz capsule to the ISS, I was in line to get a ride aboard the new Dragon Crew Capsule which took off from Pad 39A in Florida, US and would be splitting my training time between Hawthorne, CA, US and Houston, TX, US. Of course I would need a physical still certifying me fit to fly after my GRS in Montreal from the CSA, but I had been assured that would only be a formality.
With the Ellen show cooperating with the Canadian Space Agency (CSA), we accelerated the tapping of 'Ellen's Next Top Model'. I made it into the finals but lost to a great couple of ladies. We all had been sworn to secrecy as to the outcome until the last segment was aired. The CSA was delighted that they would not have to work with the complication of me actually winning the contest and thus the modeling contract. The CSA was also delighted that I had placed as high as I did in it since the Ellen show included a segment about my becoming active as a CSA astronaut.
I had just finished a conference call with 50 / 50 press and the CSA. Brent and Erica had decided that in view of my increment to come aboard the ISS that I should add at least one more chapter to the book with my experiences aboard the ISS. With the release of the book and delay of the book tour, 50 / 50 press negotiated a combined book tour and post flight CSA Astronaut promotion tour that would be held. The best part was that the CSA would build into my schedule writing time so I could complete my book on orbit and by the time I was recovered enough from my time in space to do the tour we would have the book ready to be published and released.
I was feeling pretty good after the meeting and was looking forward to a quiet evening at home packing for my trip to Montreal. Instead of the door opening to my apartment, I found myself in Dr. Erica's office.
"Dr Erica, It's good to see you again so soon. I usually associate visits to your office with help that I need with some turning point in my life. Things are going great for me thanks to all the help I've been given and this therapy . To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"Joanna it's good to see you too. It is because things are going so well for you that I feel like you are ready. Please take a seat and we will begin."
Sitting down in Dr. Erica's modern style office which was just as bright as Dr Naadiah yet while hers was stark by what it did not contain, Dr Erica's office was so eclectic and inviting. Dr Erica had out the notebook and had it turned to the pages with my list of regrets and had it turned toward me so I could see it.
"Joanna, Here is your list of regrets. You can see the first ones you wrote followed by the ones that I let you add as a result of your life changing for the better. We know each other a lot better now than we did on that first day. A lot of those original regrets revolve around the one regret that you wanted to write but you were afraid was too much to ask. Can you trust me now enough to give voice to that regret?"
"I do trust you Dr Erica. I regret that I was born with a woman's brain and a man's body. All the rest of my regrets would be resolved if my brain and body were both female from my beginning. I guess I thought that was too big an ask even though it's been a part of my nightly prayers for as long as I can remember."
"I'm glad you recognize that regret and have given voice to it . It's come that time in your therapy where I feel I need to bend the rules for you.
I'm going to send you back in time with the potential that your choice may make that huge change in your life. You do realize that if the change that you want to make happens that one change might make you an entirely different person. Your memories of your original life and of this therapy will all you will have to make your new life just as successful as this one has become. Are you to take that chance if you are successful and produce such a drastic change in your life?"
"Without risk there is no reward. I'm not sure where to attribute that quote but it is so true someone must have said it sometime"
"You will have to be on your guard to not divulge information to save the life of someone who has passed on. I know from experience the consequences of breaking trust like that and that it makes it even more unbearable when death is only delayed leaving an open wound for more people whose lives have been touched in addition to the ones touched originally. Do you choose to resolve this regret in spite of the danger?"
"I choose the danger. Dr McCoy in Star Trek:Search for Spock. Seriously Dr Erica, knowing the complete consequences from you telling what could happen is enough for me to not intervene to save someone who has already died. I know that this therapy is for my good and that if I can live my best life that I can best help others. I won't let you down, Dr Erica."
"Then off you go!"
The familiar turning started and I was whisked away from Dr. Erika's office. I had experienced being a kid again going back in time but this time I did not look anything like myself. I was a pretty blonde haired and blue eyed teen with an abundance of curves and a real female. I was behind the counter at the reception desk of a generic independent motel,The Ridgeland Villas. With the lack of computers and the old style register on the desk, I deduced that I had gone back farther in the past than I had ever gone before. I had in my hand a real door key and not a plastic card with a hand written note which said, "Today's Shift 5/31/56 7 am - 3 pm, 6/1/56 off, 6/2/56 3 pm - 11 pm. See new schedule for next week. Room Key 207" I saw both a newspaper "The Greensville News" for May 31, 1956. Along with my reflection with the features I had already noted belonging to a face not my own, I was wearing a name tag for this motel with the name Joanna hand written on it in a pretty cursive.
That took care of the who where and when of me being there. I thought of the significance of being in a cheep motel in Greenville and the date and it dawned on me that tomorrow would be my mother's seventeenth birthday and the day that she had eloped with my father. It wasn't long before my suspicions were confirmed because my impossibly 25 year old Father and teen aged Mother came through the door to stand in front of me at the reception desk.
"Greetings and welcome to The Ridgeland Villas. I'm Joanna Hall. Where are you folks from and how can I help you?"
"We're here from Brunswick, Georgia", said the teen girl with a bright smile.
"We are Mr and Mrs. Wolfe. We'd like a room for two nights. May I sign the register?"
"Before you do that Mr Wolfe, are you aware of the trouble that I could get into for letting you falsify the register? I think I can help you two out and I really want to help. I'd rather not lose this job since I just got it. I'm guessing that if I ask you for a copy of your marriage licence that you haven't gotten one yet."
"How could you help us, Joanna?", timidly but hopefully asked the teen girl.
"I'd be willing to let you stay, miss with me in my Motel room for tonight. My guess is tomorrow you'll have a South Carolina marriage licence and you'll be able to legally register as Mr. And Mrs. Wolfe. The bonus would be that Mr. Wolfe you could register for one night as a single and save some money for tonight. How would that be, Mr. Wolfe?"
"Thank you for your kind offer, Miss Joanna. We would be in your debt for helping us like this. I don't want to get you in trouble. We accept."
Well You know my first name but I don't know either of yours. Could you introduce yourselves?"
"I''m Jenny and my soon to be husband is Fred.", answered the teen girl who would be my mother.
"I'm glad to get to know you, Jenny and Fred. Fred you can sign the register now. I'm afraid it's the height of the tourist season so the single is $3.00 for one night. "
My Father signed the register and I recognized his familiar handwriting. I initialed the entry after I had rung him up on the register and given him his receipt. I handed him his room key to 110. I handed Jenny my room key to 207
"Fred you are in Room 110 and Jenny you are in my room 207. Fred, after you put Jenny's bag in my room, please return my key back to me. My shift is over at 3 pm. We can get together for supper in the motel restaurant. The food is good and the prices are cheep. Jenny, if anyone questions you staying in my room just tell them you are my cousin visiting from out of town. I'm allowed to let a girl stay with me overnight. No problem."
"Thank you for your hospitality, Joanna. What time shall I meet you ladies for supper?"
"I can be ready for supper by 5 pm. Is that okay with you Joanna?
"That would be peachy keen with me too, Jenny. Is that okay with you, Fred?"
"Sure is Miss Joanna and Miss Jenny. I'll meet you both at 5 pm for supper in the motel restaurant."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My shift ended at 3 pm and I went to my room which had Jenny running around trying to decide which of her outfits she would wear for dinner. she wasn't satisfied with any of them. I guess that she had brought her three best outfits with her. I looked in my closet and discovered a less limited wardrobe selection than hers. From the looks of things we were the same size. I suggested for her to try on one of my dresses and if it fit to let her borrow any thing from my closet that she liked. It was only fair since once upon a time I had worn some of her cast offs from storage.
"Joanna this red dress of yours fits me perfectly. May I borrow it?"
"Of course, Jenny. It's my pleasure."
Jenny was so delighted with the red dress that she spotted that I had the same style dress in green.
"You have to wear this green dress, Joanna. Then we will be the two most pretty ladies in the restaurant."
I had to wear the dress partially because I never got that kind of attention from Mother growing up. I guess I got a little weepy thinking about that.
"Why are you so sad, Joanna?"
"You are so kind to me Jenny. I had a very sad childhood where my own Mother never gave me the kindness that you are giving me now. My home life was so bad that I ran away from them . I could not take any more abuse."
"I ran away to elope to marry Fred since we could marry legally in South Carolina when i turn seventeen which is tomorrow. I love Fred so much that I want to be his wife so bad I was afraid to make him wait until we no longer needed my parent's permission in GA. I know mother loves me but I'm afraid of how Daddy would react. "
"Would your Daddy beat you or yell and scream insults at you?"
"No they would never treat me like that they love me so much even when I disappoint them."
"Jenny, you might want to make things right with them as soon as you get back to Georgia. It might be hard since you betrayed their trust. You will have passed into being an adult by marrying Fred.. A woman always needs her Mother to help show her the way since she will experience all the challenges you will have before you and will be the best able to advise you. By acting in adult ways you will be faced with adult challenges that your mother can help you with."
"I will keep what you have told me in my heart, Joanna."
"Let's finish getting ready, Jenny. Thank goodness we haven't put our makeup on yet or we both would have had raccoon eyes. We want to look our best when you meet Fred and we all have supper."
We finished getting ready without incident and joined Fred who was waiting for us in the motel restaurant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We settled in to chat after getting our orders taken
"Joanna, what was there about your home life was so bad that you felt that you had to run away.?"
"My father was an abuser the latest in a chain of abusers that he learned from his father's example. It started with him abusing my mother. He lorded over her and ordered her about yelling at her. He was a perfectionist so a little thing wron would result in him physically and verbally abusing my mother. It did not stop there. Instead of correcting out of love he punished out of anger. He physically and verbally abused me and my siblings after he had finished with our mother. When he finally cooled down he tried to make things right but just making nice does not negate the consequences of his having a problem with anger management and his desire for power in the one place he felt he could demand it at our home. It was not a household of love. Daddy's hatred made all of us miserable. Finally I could take no more of it and i left."
"My goodness, Joanna, no wonder you left. As a child you had no power to stop anything or make it better. Your father had cowered your mother so much that she had no power to do anything by that point either. It takes great strength for a woman to leave her husband with her children but that is the only way out of a situation like that.."
"For my part, I feel like a real man who loves his wife would do anything that it would take to not let things get so out of control. If a man really loves his wife, after the problem is pointed out, he should do everything that he can to get help. He should even go to a professional in spite of the stigma . It isn't worth the cost for a man to have power in the home if the man forsakes love. I believe I would have run away from a home like that too."
"Thank you for being so understanding Fred and Jenny. My greatest wish for you is that your new home will be a household of love, first, last and for always."
After that we all found much more pleasant things to talk about. We had a very nice supper and we even ordered desert. Both Fred and Jenny were excited about getting married the next day. Before Fred let us finish, he ordered to go cokes for us to take to our room. Both Fred and Jenny looked so sweet, telling each other good night and sharing a very passionate good night kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jenny and I returned to my room after supper. We got comfortable in our nightgowns and sat up on the bedside sipping our to go cokes and chatting before bed.
"Jenny have you thought about what kind of marriage that you want with Fred?"
"What do you mean, Joanna?"
"In time past women were taken as chattel, just possessions of the husband almost like slaves. Today we have the right to vote and own property. We can even work outside the home and have a career. We can finish high school even if we have a husband and a baby on the way. Women can go to college. But it's hard to do everything a woman can do if her husband is stuck in the past and treats his wife as chattel even though that's not what wives have to be now."
"I guess I'd like to have a more cooperative marriage from the very beginning. I guess that starts with a ceremony that I pledge to love honor and cherish my husband instead of love honor and obey him. I'd like for us to come to decisions by consensus and talking it out instead of it being a unilateral command from Fred."
"If you want to go back and finish high school in the fall you will need help from your Mother. Besides needing her advice being a new bride, you might find your self pregnant and dealing with that. You know it only takes one time having relations with your husband to get pregnant. After the baby is delivered, you will need help with child care, If you hope to graduate. Of course if things don't work out with you being able to finish high school with help, you can still get your GED high school equivalency."
"That's a lot to think about, Joanna. You are right that it begins with restoring the relationship with my parents and my mother especially. If I am to even think about a real career, then I'll have to think about college as well. There are many jobs open to women and more are opening everyday if I am prepared by being qualified. I think that it would be easy for Fred to accept me finishing high school.. College and working outside the home are a harder sell but I won't even be ready for either if I don't finish high school."
"I'm sure that you and Fred will be able to work through challenges like that in your marriage. It starts with not taking the chattel marriage vows and continues when You and Fred have a discussion alone about the kind of marriage that you want to have.."
"Joanna, I'm afraid after learning about Fred's parents that Fred's Father may be an abuser. Fred has a temper and it gets him in trouble at times. He's such a perfectionist too."
"Jenny, the only means forward is to talk things out from the start. Have Fred pledge to see a therapist for anger management counseling in spite of the stigma so he can have help breaking the cycle of abuse. Get an agreement with him that he won't use his position as husband as an excuse to order you around and find fault with what you do. Things will be hard especially if you make a commitment to finishing high school. Try to get agreement that instead of critizing you for not being perfect with the housework that he pitch in and help if you need help."
"What if he won't agree?"
"It's better to learn now instead of later. Instead of having relations with him after your marriage leave him and come to my room. I'll be here for you tomorrow. We can call your parents to help put things right. They can come get you and bring you home and get your marriage annulled so it will be like it never happened. Hopefully it won't come to that if Fred really loves you and he will agree to do the things that will make your marriage a happy one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the morning first thing Jenny, Fred and I set out to find the Ridgeland probate court which had an office that Issued Marriage Licences. Between the City Map that I had and the road signs we soon found the probate court. More signs led us to the office where Marriage certificates were issued. A bit of form filling out and fees being paid resulted in the soon to be Wolfe's in possession of an official Marriage Licence.
We stopped at a diner to get some breakfast since it was too early to go to the Justice of the peace which would not open for an hour yet. The three of us enjoyed another meal together. We had chit chat and pleasantries in our discussions at the meal. It was clear that neither Fred nor Jenny were ready to talk any more about anything serious. They both were focused on the very serious step that they were about to take in getting married to each other. We finished our meal and got back in the car to go to city hall to the Justice of the peace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once we had the marriage licence and breakfast, it was on to city hall to the justice of the peace to have their ceremony performed. After talking it over Jenny and Fred agreed to have the alternate vows instead of the traditional vows in their ceremony. The alternate vows eliminated the 'Wife as Chattel' language and had 'Wife as Equal language.
I took my place as Maid of Honor by Jenny's side as Jenny and Fred turned to each other before the Justice of the Peace and they said their vows. The ceremony concluded and the newly Mr. and Mrs Wolfe sealed their marriage with a very romantic kiss.
The Judge's clerk was one witness and the Bailiff was the other to Jenny and Fred's wedding. I begged off being a witness since my legal status as an under aged runaway was in doubt. The Judge signed and filled in the rest of the marriage certificate. Mr and Mrs Wolfe were completely legally married now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We left city hall to go back to the motel. Fred returned to the front desk while Jenny and I returned to my room to get Jenny packed up again. Fred returned to bring Jenny's luggage back to their room where they were now registered as Mr. and Mrs Wolfe.
"Jenny, I hope that you and Fred have a happy honeymoon. I have some errands to run tomorrow so I'm not certain I'll be around when you leave so I'll say my goodbyes to you right now. "
"Joanna, as much as I'd like to stay longer in SC. I need to get back to GA and do some relationship mending with my parents. You are a special person in my life, Joanna. I'll always remember you and your kindness to Fred and me. We will be leaving early in the morning to go back to GA. I'll say my good byes to you now as well."
Jenny and I hugged just before Fred returned for Jenny. I followed to the door where Fred carried Jenny over the threshold.
"Have a good life Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe!", I called just before Fred closed the door to their room.
I settled in to wait while I imagine Fred and Jenny must have been talking out what they wanted their marriage to be like. I just passed time looking at one of the television channels from Greenville on the black and white TV set which I was very lucky that the room had.
I trusted Dr Erika to leave me here until Jenny had either reached an understanding or impasse with Fred. I trusted her to let me help Jenny deal with the consequences should she believe her marriage was a mistake.
I was not sure about the consequences to me and my siblings should the worse happened but my love for my mother made me desire the best life for her possible. Daddy was loving and could be reasonable when he was given a good reason to listen like he would be by Jenny. After an hour had passed, I began to get the feeling that things had resolved themselves and I would be going back to the present soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The whirling around took me out of Ridgeland, SC in 1956 and back to Dr Erika's office in the present, seated in front of her. I noticed my reflection in that strategically placed mirror and I was back to being me. I was wearing a ISS Jumpsuit with the CSA patch with my name Dr. Joanna Wolfe. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that I was totally female and congruently myself. Mother must have worked ou something with Daddy about their marriage.
"You are a girl, Joanna! Congratulations!"exclaimed Dr Erika.
Before I could think of something to say, Dr. Erica handed me a wrapped box.
"This is for you, Joanna. I recommend you add what's inside to your purse."
"Thank you Dr. Erica. I didn't get you anything that I know about."
I opened the box and found three tampons, a bottle of Midol and a birth control compact with my name on it with pills missing up to today. I noted the prescription label had my name on it but the birthday was wrong on it The label said I was born February 1, 1957 instead of my birthdate. I checked the ID in my purse and it had me identified as female with the same birthday
"You'll find if you look at your panty liner that you are spotting, Joanna. It's time for your visit from Aunt Flo and I wanted you to be prepared. You've been taking your birth control but you need to remember to keep taking them. You can become pregnant now. Welcome to womanhood, Joanna.!"
"Thank you for looking out for me, Dr Erika. This is everything that I could have wanted ever. It's all real but my birthday changed. Why did that happen?" And why is my name the same? I should have my sister's name since I was born a girl.
"Count backwards nine months from your new birthday, Joanna."said Dr Erika with a smile .
"I was conceived on June 1, 1956, the day my parents were married."
"Jenny and Fred saw themselves in the story that you told Jenny about your parents and why you ran away. Before they made love for the first time after their marriage, Jenny sat down with Fred and talked about the kind of life that they would have together. Fred agreed to go to an actual therapist in spite of the stigma of the time and broke the cycle of abuse which sent his father to an early grave. They also agreed to come to a consensus in their decisions. In the few disagreements that they had, Jenny yielded the lead willingly to Fred. They agreed to let Jenny have autonomy in her own life with Fred helping with the household chores instead of being the executioner if everything was not perfect."
"Wow that is way different from the way that things have gone on in their marriage. I didn't mess up anything that I'm in trouble about now?"
"You didn't mess up Joanna. You just paid things forward to the good. Instead of having sex out of obligation with fear and guilt, Your parents made teal true love many times their wedding day. All it takes is once under perfect conditions like they had after their agreement to make a baby. They made you and in appreciation to the teen girl at the front desk who allowed them to start off their marriage honestly and was the maid of honor at their wedding, they named their firstborn girl, Joanna after her.
What about my history changed as a result of the change in myself and my family?"
"You are still a part of this special therapy due to the chain of events leading back to your beginning it . Under the new history which had you growing up a girl from the beginning you still had challenges but you over came them to become the driven engineer and astronaut that you are today and you were part of NASA's astronaut program as well. You married but that marriage failed because you married someone who was just like your original history father who could not cope with you success which you had already achieved before your marriage. Dr Naadiah's invitation while you were recovering from your marriage led to your TG fiction being published as well as your biography by 50 / 50 press. Your participation in Ellen's next top model attracted the attention of the Canadian Space Agency since you immigrated to Canada.. The reason you are in your CSA uniform is that your training starts tomorrow in Houston for your ISS increment.."
"How are my parents doing?"
"They are doing well. Your father aced anger management and broke the abuse cycle. As a rexult he avoided the heart attack since he had his thyroid deficiency detected much earlier actually listening to your mother. Your Mother due to mending fences with her mother made education and a home career a feature of her life. She now holds a doctorate in biology and holds many royalties due to her discovery of new medical treatments."
"Wow, I have even more than I had before. What about my individual therapy? With my new history just like you said, most of my remaining regrets are no longer relevant."
"Joanna, you have graduated from individual therapy. You'll be taking a sabbatical until you get back from your ISS increment. Then you will be ready to take up a new challenge. "
"Where will I be going when I exit your office this time?"
"You will find yourself in your assigned training quarters in Houston and from there your journey to your next adventure will begin"
"I guess that instead of saying goodbye, Dr Erika, I will wish you a good journey. I look forward to our paths converging again."
"Good Journey Joanna, until we meet again."
I went through the door of Dr. Erika's office and into my quarters in Houston. My journey to the ISS was just begining but that's a story for another time.
The End
