Chapter 21

I had to say it again. “I am pregnant.” Then I giggled. I also felt a little bit relieved which was a strange feeling. I think I had become accustomed to the idea of being pregnant throughout the day and was subconsciously worried that it was a false hope.

Ellie didn't seem too freaked out either, but Sarah had the deer in headlights look that I think both Ellie and I had sported this morning. I was hoping that we could go through our options and work out how we were going to break it to our families with whatever choices we had made our minds upon but Sarah was in no condition to make any serious decisions.

It wasn't Sarah's fault. We had enjoyed a whole day getting our mind wrapped around the idea. She needed time to process.

“Sarah?” I called quietly, trying to break into her introspection gently. That didn't work so I tried again, a bit louder, “Sarah?”

“Huh?”

“Honey, we have had the whole day to come to terms and discuss other things relating to it, you look the same as we did this morning. Like you have been hit by a two by four. I am going to suggest that Ellie and I write down some of our thoughts and then we pretend that you have come down with my pretend illness.” Then I smiled. “It is sort of true, I just wouldn't call it an illness. Anyway, I think Ellie and I should pick up Gabi and take her to my house tonight and give you the space to think about it and maybe discuss it with your mother. I promise not to tell Gabi unless I am forced by circumstance, or you are there with me. These tests are very accurate, but they still recommend we repeat the test a few days later.”

“I am pregnant?” Sarah asked me.

“Yes, honey,” I replied. Ellie and I gathered around Sarah and enveloped her in a hug. “Do you want us to text your mom and arrange to give you some space?”

Sarah nodded a bit vacantly.

I worked out that Sandra had only been gone for half an hour so it was too early to ask them to return. I did text her and asked her to text me when the meal was over.

A few minutes later my phone rang, she obviously couldn't wait that long.

“Hi Sandra,” I answered.

“I've sneaked off to the toilet. If Gabi comes in I will say something unrelated and put the phone down. Now tell me the goss! Are you or aren't you?”

“We all are,” I replied. Even I could hear the smile in my voice.

“Wow. I can tell you are happy about it, how is Sarah taking it?”

“Shellshocked. I am going to suggest that we pretend Sarah has the same condition as I had, so we will leave her in your tender mercies and take Gabi to my parents tonight. We can call it a self-limiting female issue.”

Sandra laughed. “So you will leave her in my hands, are you sure you want to do that?” she said.

“No,” I replied losing my joking voice and becoming serious. “To be honest I think we both want to be there for her and help her with this as we have helped each other. It is just that I don't want to tell Gabi until Sarah has decided what she wants to do and keeping Gabi away and unsuspecting is going to require the both of us. I think she deserves to have the space that we were fortunate enough to have and I can't think of another way to make it happen.” Then I turned jokey again. “I guess her mother will have to do, in a pinch.”

“I will look after her for you,” she replied with love in her voice. “As soon as dinner is over I will head back to you. I will text you when we are leaving and then let them know that Sarah is out of action and the new plan.”

I tried to get Sarah to eat but she wasn't interested, so I just made some sandwiches and brought them up so that we could stay with her. We put her to bed. Ellie stayed with her while I packed and then I stayed with her while Ellie packed. We were so used to travelling that getting our stuff together was quick and easy.

We then sat on the bed on either side of her writing our thoughts for her to read tomorrow. I thought she should know what my decision was going to be and why. I also thought I should talk about what I wanted for our future, including getting married, college and so on. I apologised for not being there for her when I so wanted to be. I even talked about my ideas for our engagement rings.

Sarah just lay there with her eyes closed. I would periodically stroke her, just to let her know we were here for her. I think this was hitting her a lot harder than I had expected. I did ask if she wanted to talk about it, but she didn't respond and I didn't push it.

When Gabi returned, she spent a few minutes lying on Sarah's chest holding her, not knowing what was going on, but knowing that something was wrong and hoping that a hug would help. Sarah held her back, which was the most response we had seen since we put her to bed.

Sarah's POV

I struggled to believe it. Staring at the stick and the plus sign, I was trying to drum into my brain, this is the reality, get a grip and accept it. Gabi had left half an hour ago with Ellie and Buffy. She knew something was up so I was going to have to get my shit together. She deserved to know, but she also needed to know how we were all going to respond. And I didn't know.

I read the letters that Buffy and Ellie had left for me. Buffy's was about what I expected. Ignoring the whole grandfather issue, which I don't think was really a consideration in Buffy's thinking, she was all about receiving the affection that she had been missing her whole life. We all loved her, but Gabi was the best at expressing it and making her feel it deep down in her heart. She was not going to do anything that might hurt that relationship.

Watching Gabi with Mia made it obvious that she would want us to have the babies. It wasn't in her nature to demand or even argue for what she wanted, she would accept any decision we made. It was possible that she would resent me if I had an abortion, though. I mean, she was told she could never have children and really wanted them. Finding out that we were pregnant would be like some kind of miracle, if I was to then tell her I was getting rid of it, I can only imagine the hurt she might feel. Over time it might destroy this wonderful family that we were building.

Buffy's letter was full of happiness and light. She talked about engagements, rings, weddings, honeymoon and even a plan for us all to go to college a year late, leaving the babies with Gabi to look after. She made it all sound so easy.

Ellie's letter was a complete surprise. It was only at the end that she told me her answer. She knew, I don't know how, but she knew. I had managed to tell them a little about my rape, but I had never told them much about the aftermath. Somehow Ellie guessed that this pregnancy was tripping some of my issues. Getting raped was bad enough and that dirty feeling never really went away. Whenever I thought about it, even now, there was a temptation to have a shower, but it didn't make me feel any cleaner. Then at the age of fourteen to find out that the rapist had left something behind, something growing inside you. I couldn't cope with it then and had to get it out of me.

Right now I was in a shocked numbed state. Emotionless. When the reality really kicked in, I wondered with a sickened horror if those same feelings would return. That desperate need to Get It Out Of Me!

Ellie shared something very personal in her letter. It gave a possible explanation as to why she struggled to emotionally connect to people and her own issues with the pregnancy. Apparently, Ellie had been a normal happy sociable baby. No evidence of shyness or any issues of any kind. Her parents had a night out when she was six months old and left her in the care of her uncle. No one knows what happened and whether he did anything and if he did, what he did, but after that night she was different. Bath time was part of her normal routine, but now she would scream her head off if she was ever brought near a bath. Her mother told her that it took months for her to be able to bath her again and it was never the happy event that it used to be. Her personality also seemed to change from happy to carefully observant, untrusting.

Ellie's parents confronted her uncle who swore that he didn't do anything. They had no proof and found it hard to imagine what he would even want to do to a baby, but clearly, something had happened. They warned their siblings, just in case and that uncle never babysat for anybody again. He is now living in Vietnam which sounds suspicious, as it would be easier to fulfil any perversions out there than here.

Whatever the cause, Ellie knew that she struggled to connect to people. It took someone who is almost the complete opposite to get through her barrier. Gabi trusts easily, has a huge heart that she shares easily and frequently. It boggles the mind to imagine her as a boy with that personality. Now Ellie finds herself pregnant. The thought of a little baby completely dependent on her for all its physical and emotional needs was terrifying. She knew from her reading that love was almost as important as food to a baby. They can literally die if starved of affection.

Then she realised that with Gabi, and us of course, but mainly Gabi, any child would never be without love. Not only that, she speculated and related this to my unknown hang-ups relating to this issue, that being pregnant and having a baby in such a loving environment would actually be a healing situation.

She finished by saying that she would be keeping the baby and that whatever I decided, she would support me and knew that Gabi would too. She told me that Gabi loved us all and would forgive me if I couldn't cope with the idea, but this also might be an opportunity to let go of the past and create a new association and emotion to tie to it.