Fitting In - Reflection 1
By Carol Allen

"Are you sure about this Nige," I asked," I thought you couldn't bear girls?"

He kissed me again before answering.

"You're different"

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I wiped the sweat from my brow and took another mouthful from my bottle of water as I trudged home. The tarmac on the pavement felt slightly yielding after many hours of the relentless hot, almost heatwave, weather. I felt sweaty and uncomfortable after my day in the lab and also a little high from the solvents I had been sloshing into the chromatography column.

I reached the relative sanctuary of the house, unlocked the door and made my way up to the flat.

"Hey, Richard," said Marie, my flatmate Sathia's girlfriend," you're early, it's not five yet"

"Hi, Marie, I couldn't stick more sniffing in the lab," I replied," I was beginning to see colours where there weren't any, those solvents.....well maybe I should sell some and undercut the dope dealers in uni"

"It's an idea, save having to work in Burger King," said Marie, laughing.

"Sathia around?," I asked Marie about about my South African friend.

"He had a call to do some locum work at Specsavers in Finchley Park," she replied," he's back about seven. Oh, Richard, he said that there's a parcel for you in the kitchen"

My heart skipped a beat, at long last.

"You working tonight, Marie?" I asked, hoping for a positive answer.

"Yep, usual evening shift tossing burgers," she replied," better rush, actually, see you later"

"Laters, Marie," I replied before walking into the kitchen and locating the prize, the brown paper wrapped packet I had been anticipating for some days.

The feel of the hot water and shower lotion on my clammyness was bliss, after I had undressed, dumped my college rucksack and then shaved all hairy parts. I spent a luxurious time cleaning every part of my body and then washed and thoroughly conditioned my shoulder length hair.

I rubbed in some hair mousse and then grabbed a ham sandwich, while I dried my hair, wearing my dressing gown.

The contents of the package were everything I could have hoped for. I loved the feel of the silky material as I took each item out of the box. I took my time in putting on the gaff, the panties and then the black, satin corset. I was very pleased at the final effect, with the added breast enhancers making my 38A's look a lot bigger.

I put on some Shakira on my Ipod and speakers while I put my makeup on. I was excited about the prospect of actually going out dressed. My phone rang.

"Hi Nige," I said as the call identity came up and the stored picture of my best friend, and fellow Masters' student, appeared.

"Hi Rich, are you ready yet?" he asked.

"Almost, in about fifteen minutes," I replied.

"So are you going to do it?" he asked.

"Just about to put the dress on," I said

"Wow, well done, see you in fifteen then, ciao," said Nigel and then ended the call.

Just over fifteen minutes later I was stepping out of my front door, feeling very self conscious. Although I had been en-femme many times in private parties and in other social occasions, I had never gone out on the street dressed as a woman before.

"Love the dress, Ri....," said Nigel, giving me a gentle kiss, " well I can't call you that, do you another name, you know, a girl name?"

"Rachel," I said in response, " call me Rachel"

"OK, then Rachel, let's go to Heaven!" he said, taking my arm and leading the way, as fast as my black, figure hugging dress would allow, to Arsenal tube station.

Three quarters of an hour later we emerged into the main dance area in the famous Heaven gay night club. A place where Nigel and I had met a year ago. Before that fateful evening neither of us had realised that the other was something more than the nerdy, shy, girl repellant that they seemed. We had both adopted that image to conceal our differentness in the macho culture of the Chemistry department of the University of North London.

"What do want Rachel?" Nigel asked.

"Bacardi Breezer, what else?" I said, laughing," do I look like someone who likes knocking pints of beer back?"

He laughed as well and then went to collect the drinks.

As I waited for him to return I felt really positive, so far my foray into the wider world had seemed very successful. I thought that I would 'pass' OK but so far it looked like I was 'passing' perfectly. No-one on the street or on the tube had given the impression that they had 'clocked' me. I was sure that the hours spent improving my female 'voice' had made a difference.

The club soon got crowded and the space between people got less. Nigel and I were soon dancing close together and kept bumping into each other.

I could see that Nigel was getting turned on, which surprised me. For a while after we met we had been an item, at least in gay environments, but he always told me that it was men only for him, women did nothing to arouse him.

For me it had always been different, I had tried to be a man with him, but it had always felt wrong, I had known then that I really wanted to be a woman with any potential lover. Our relationship had been brief, because of these reasons, but we were still very good friends.

The DJ announced a slow number, I made to get back to the bar, expecting Nigel to follow.

I felt a touch on my arm and turned round to see my ex-lover with his arms outstretched. We put our arms around each other and began to move with the music. We danced together a little stiffly for a few minutes and then we relaxed. I felt so good to be held close by a man, wearing my beautiful dress and myjewellery and make up.

I looked up to see if he was enjoying the dance and somehow our mouths moved closer and our lips touched. Our gentle kiss became more passionate. I broke off.

"Are you sure about this Nige," I asked," I thought you couldn't bear girls?"

He kissed me again before answering.

"You're different"

Two hours later, we walked out into the warm summer evening, although it was cool compared to the heat that had been in the club. Somehow, as soon as we left the haven of Heaven, the magic had dissipated between us and it felt like we were mates again, instead of the passionate couple inside.

An hour later we stood outside my front door, after a journey that had taken longer than we had expected due to the numbers travelling on the tube.

"That was great, Nige, thanks to making me do it," I said and then turned to go in.

I felt a hand gently touching my shoulder.

"One minute," he said before turning me towards him and strongly kissing me.

"I enjoyed, tonight, Rachel, anytime you want to do it again, I'd be glad to come," he said quietly, while caressing my hair.

"Yes, I'd love that, Nigel," I whispered back, before kissing him tenderly once again and then putting my key in the front door.

I opened the door and closed it as quietly as possible. I could hear some voices in the kitchen.

I stepped carefully up the stairs, hoping to make the refuge of my bedroom before I was observed. Disaster, the last creaky step betrayed me.

The conversation in the kitchen stopped.

"Is that you Richard?" came a familiar voice.

It was my Mum!

To be continued...