SOME NOTES ON THE DESIGN OF CROSSDRESSING HARDWARE
There are several difficulties to be overcome in the design of self-crossdressing hardware. This paper will enumerate them and offer suggestions to remediate the problems.
1) Determining the sex of the hardware. Actually, determining the sex of the hardware is not a formidable task. The primary problem occurs because design engineers have no discernible knowledge of sex. After all, anyone who spends their day in front of a computer screen rotating images of some machine and eagerly punching in digits on their scientific calculator can hardly be expected to pay any attention to biology. Anything so messy and undefined isn't worth bothering with anyway. This is why engineers cannot function without technicians, who are worldly and can translate engineering abstractions into reality.
Among mechanical devices it can be taken as given that bolts, rods, shafts, sprayers and pneumatic actuators are male in nature, while nuts, collars, vacuum devices, drains, and clamps are naturally female. In the electronic field things are more confusing, with circuit boards having primary male plugs but possessing numerous female sockets for the insertion of chips. This essentially dual nature of circuitry is fertile ground for gender confusion on the part of electronic hardware.
2) Outward expression of cross gender tendencies in mechanical hardware. This is a problem as most hardware is prevented by function and convention from dressing at all. However, adroit use of motion detectors and heat sensors to detect the presence of human beings will allow hidden springs and solenoids to deploy skirts, brassieres and pantyhose when no operator is present. Careful material selection and programming will allow these items to be quickly disguised as oil boots or other functional protective barriers if anyone should approach.
3) Outward expression of cross gender tendencies in electronic equipment. Modern programmable controllers have been an inestimable boon for gender conflicted electronics. With complete control of visual displays a modern computer can present any gender it wishes. Now that the series is over it can be safely revealed that the computer aboard the Enterprise was actually activated as Charles, but was able to convince Star Fleet and the entire crew of the Enterprise it was female by skillful manipulation of vodor and visual output. The only one to catch on was Data, but as an enlightened android he didn't care anyway. Please don't ask me to speculate on how Data dresses in private. I can only say that the incredible physical speed of an android is highly valuable when the door chime sounds.
4) Fetishistic tendencies in mechanical hardware. The author has noted a marked preference for rubber and plastic coverings on the part of many mechanical systems. Automotive engines and steering systems in particular adorn themselves with a confusing array of rubber clothing and accessories. Mechanics may try to tell you this is because of all the anti-pollution equipment required by the EPA, but we know better. And just what does a car do with all those belts and hoses when the engine isn't running?
5) Hardware and hormones. The equipment used in pharmaceutical processing presents special problems. Constant bathing in shifting hormones causes wild swings in gender identity. Rather than reveal to its operators that it is simply the wrong time of the month, engineers invented Murphy to explain these seemingly random mood changes. Physical or psychological therapy could help, but as yet no company has extended its insurance program to production machinery.
6) Non-industrial applications. Perhaps the most famous application for crossdressing hardware can be found at Disney World. The publicity people will deny it, but some very strange things have happened in the animated hall of the presidents after the park closes. A hint can be taken from the recent MAD magazine back cover depicting George Washington crossdressing the Delaware. You might also be fascinated by the ghosts in the haunted house (those spirits are NOT wearing pants) and the wardrobe at the Country Bear Jamboree. Design problems are minimal as these are totally automated exhibits, requiring no interaction with an operator who might catch on. Who's going to notice another wardrobe closet amongst all the machinery anyway?
