Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 14

*Before…

I actually journal that last bit as a kinda sorts update and then I sent out some PM’s to the people on my friends list.

“Uhm Hey everyone this is Sarah, I’m kind of in a bind and stuff. I’ve got a psychiatrist and she sorta seems alright but it’s still scaring me and everything really bad. See she wants to see this, all of this stuff here on my LJ because it’s the only stuff of me that I have that is any record of me…I mean I don’t really have Shawn-time as me to go by as stuff that happened before in my life.”

“I think, I think I have to do this which means I’ll be friending her to my LJ page here and that there will be a Shrink and an Adult here listening in and stuff.”

“Goddamn it, that scares the shit out of me.”

“If you all need to block or unfriend me to like feel safe and all I get it, it’s really my deal and my bullshit that this is all about and stuff…no judgment from here if you need to bail.”

“But I think, I think that I need to do this.”

*And Now…

It’s a little nerve wracking with them being in there and I get the reasons why they’re in there but it’s still not helping really.

I’m not just the new girl in my school, but I’m the new girl in my family.

School…shit, I hadn’t even thought of school.

Who knew Shawn, who my friends were or any of that stuff.

Then again, I might not have any friends anymore since no one’s come since I’ve woken up and such really.

What was I like then?

Was I liked?

Hated?

Was I strange or weird?

Was I one of the outcasted kids?

I mean I had friends in the car and they all died.

Were they it?

Are people mad that I lived?

They’re families haven’t showed up either…I mean nothing and you’d figure…maybe.

And then there’s the fact I’m Sarah.

And the fact that I’m not really in the closet.

I didn’t come out but I had that whole episode and outburst and there’s some of the staff here like those ones that gave me looks and didn’t look friendly…I well imagine that I’m out whether I want to be or not.

I will tell you there’s nothing like sitting outside of a therapist’s office to send you mind into going into overdrive and having a bad mental hooch drunk with your imagination. I’m working myself up and I know that I’m working myself up with all of this but it’s still stuff that I can’t help but to think about.

How the heck could I not think about all these huge questions that are going to be part of my life but a now this big swirling black hole of really crappy uncertainty?

I want to know but I don’t want to know.

It’s almost to that point where I have one of those worry tummy aches.

Satori comes up in a PM. “Hey, so you serious and stuff about friending your doc?”

I type back. “Yeah, I think I have to do this, I need to be me and she’s the one that’s going to be like holding the hoops.”

“You think she’s going to gate keep?”

“Maybe, she doesn’t Seem too bad but you know a lot of people can seem a lot of like ways and end up being utter poopcandles.”

She types. *Snerk* “Poopcandles.”

“That’s a thing.”

“What kind of a thing?”

“It’s a stick of poo…with that end that trails off…like a candlewick.”

She types… “ROTFL”

Okay I’m sort of smiling at me being an actual funny person.

Satori types. “I’m so picturing all of the assholes I know as poopcandles doing their little blab-blab-blabs but a like Beeker’s from the Muppets but making like fart noises.”

I type… “OMG that has to be like the grossest image I’ve had the misfortune of having someone put in my head.”

And she’s like. “Really you should be me I have enough poopcandles in my head that they’re doing the opening to The Muppet show.”

“Eww…Satori.”

“Nova.”

“Huh?”

“It’s Nova, like from the anime character.”

“What anime?”

“Robotech the second series.”

“I’ve never seen the first.”

“Transforming mecha jet fighters.”

“Oh…that one okay I’ve seen stuff about it.”

“It’s pretty awesome.”

“I’ll have to check it out.”

“You like Gundam?”

“The Korean rapper singer guy?”

“No that’s a song.”

“Oh…well I don’t, I guess that I never like was into the whole mecha stuff.”

“We’ll have to watch some when we get together.”

“Okay sure.”

“That didn’t sound sure.”

“I never asked them yet, heck they’re still in there with my shrink and I have no idea what’s going on.”

“They’re likely talking about the accident and the whole suddenly having a trans daughter.”

“Yeah, and it’s making me paranoid.”

“Don’t be Sarah they’ve been cool so far and stuff give them this, it’s healthy for them to like have a free place to freak out.”

“Yeah okay but it’s kinda hard.”

“You still want me to come?”

“You think that you could?”

“Sure, it’s not like school’s a really big deal with me and all that.”

“Uhm…I literally can’t remember so like why?”

“I’m home schooled.”

“Oh, because of?”

“Yeah some, well, no.”

“Okay you were just Shatnering how about some English?”

“My folks were scared of what might happen if people found out about me in school and they were scared enough of normal schools anyways and they decided that I’d have homeschooling done.”

“Oh so like really protective? But how are they going to let you come here if they’re that scared.”

“Oh well because they actually sort of are kind of mellow in that way, they just don’t trust the other kids not to be bullying shits or the parents to have a freak out but they’re like okay with me doing like stuff by myself and stuff.”

“That sounds pretty sweet.”

“Kinda it’s weird actually, they’ll have me lojacked the whole time.”

“Huh?”

“GPS on my phone and laptop and stuff.”

“They don’t think that you’d turn it off?”

“I do and I lose all my money privileges.”

“Aaah gotcha.”

“So you still want me to show up?”

“…………………..actually yeah…you’re kind of sort of one of the only people I really know.”

She types. *Nods* “Even if it’s online. Okay I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“And I’ll ask my folks.”

“Okay and yeah the thing with the Doc that might not be a bad idea maybe some of us could use her seeing our shit and all.”

“I’m not sure she’d go that far but I’ll…I’ll wait on the others.”

Nova leaves me with her number and her folks number and e-mails and I kind of am left reading and still catching up with things from my past on here. I wrote a lot, I wrote poems and just entries and then there’s like all of the stuff like linked pages and poems that I wrote and all the stuff from my friends and everything too.

It’s a lot of years to read and to catch up on.

It takes actually not that long before PK and Fennec send me PM’s saying that it would be up to me and that they were cool with it because not everything they had on their LJ’s was accessible and they could change the stuff they needed to change to private.

As Fenn said… “It’s not really like she’s going to be like creeping our accounts she’ll be too likely looking at your stuff Sare.”

And I’m like… “So we’re good?”

“Yeah we’re good.”

“Okay thanks y’all.”

“NP anything for Sare-bear.”

Okay Sare-bear makes me smile and I’m still feeling that smile and the whole okay pet name/nick name happy yay stuff when my folks come out and I look up and Dad and Mom are smiling at me and Mom looks red eyed like she was crying.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just had a lot to get out and stuff, Dr. Johansen’s pretty good.”

I see the Doc smiling too and she looks at me. “I do know what I’m doing Sarah.”

“Yeah…I guess and I’ll friend you to my LJ account.”

“You will?”

“Yes.”

“Will you show me how to make an account?”

Okay that makes me feel a little better since she’s kind of definitely a noob at this stuff so there’s a sort of a kind of relief at her limited abilities and stuff.

“Sure Doc, just give me a minute?”

“No problem, you’re my only appointment today.”

She heads back into the office and I look at Mom and Dad. “One of my friends wants to come here and visit and that might mean that she’ll be staying at our place if she’s allowed to…so…can she come over?”

Dad and Mom look at each other and Dad says. “We need to talk to her parent’s first kiddo.”

I nod. “I have their contact info here.”

I bring it up and show Dad who writes it down and he smiles. “Going to Tim’s you want anything?”

“A double-double?”

“Okay.”

He leaves and Mom stays and I hug her then I knock on the Doc’s office door then head inside to set her up with her own LJ account.