Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 17

*Before…

We eat and watch Stardust on my laptop since apparently it was in the DVD drive as if that wasn’t like telling and even the parents raised an eyebrow at that and made me blush and soon after that they have to head home with their actual RL stuff going on and everything like work and Dad has a long drive to go and get Nova…Uhm Kaitlyn tomorrow and me…well I start going through my laptop trying to figure out just exactly what Shawn was like and where Sarah was hiding in all of the stuff here.

It’s thanks to password saves on my Firefox that I get into Shawn’s Facebook and E-mails.

Oh…that was a mistake.

*And Now…

You’d think that there’d be some kind of excitement seeing everything that I was but there was also trepidation. So it was a little bit shaky but with too much curiosity that I log in and check everything.

My e-mail’s full of junk and that’s no problem really until I get through some of the spammy stuff and then I get to the gross stuff.

It’s recent stuff.

[Fuking tranny, I hope you die.]

[Die in a fire freak.]

[What happened you blow the guys and have an accident.]

[Dickeater.]

[Tranny] that’s like 12 of them just that.

[Don’t come back freak.]

[You’re not coming back to school! We’ll fight it!]

Fight it? Why?

What did I do?

Part of me wants to hit the delete but there’s part of me that sort of knows better and I save them instead. There’s laws against cyber bullying and stuff and there’s a whole lot of crap that these people will do and like keep doing unless they’re stopped.

“Eeew…fuck!” I open a picture file to see someone sent me dick pics.

[Tasty homo?]

Eeew, eeew, just frigging Eeew…!

There’s like eight of them too…I didn’t want to really look but I looked…because I had an idea…and yeah…they all looked different.

So a bunch of guys wiling to send me dick pics.

That’s…that’s really likely a bunch of dudes that hang out together…

Word has apparently gotten out about me being trans.

Then I check Shawn’s Facebook.

Well for the most part it’s boring, Shawn had books and movies in the likes lists and there’s this odd thing that I remember that stuff and there several memorial like things shared for me and the accident and stuff from friends.

There is a lot of nice things from people Not from home but from my friends from other places and some from like other students but nothing really all that personal like the kind of stuff that you’d get from kids that know you but aren’t friends and you’re sick.

But there’s not a lot of local friends.

There’s not a lot of trans stuff either but anything that’s really neutral LGBT+ supporting stuff I had on there and supported it and a lot of human rights things too.

I had a lot of bands on there and links to music, bands, videos and even instruments.

I see a lot of undercover Sarah there.

Lots of girl bands. Joan Jett, Hunter Valentine, Heart, Vixen, Pink, Biff Naked, Gwen Stefani, Allanis and Evanescence.

Okay apparently I’m a rocker.

There’s a bit of anti-trans dodgy stuff that was shared to my page from others like the bathroom streaking scandal with that Toronto paper and some inks to blogs that have been shared that are like anti-trans rants and stuff from Blogger but Wordpress and well Tumblr of course too. Wordpress is the 4Chan of Radfems from stuff I’ve seen…things that I know.

It’s kind of disheartening though that there stuff like this purposefully being shared by people so that it shows up in my news feed.

It’s all girl too…all a lot of stuff in the vein of the stupid bathroom stuff and locker rooms stuff.

‘Trans Ideology’ Stuff…Ideology?

Here’s my ideology, I look in a mirror or take a shower, roll over and feel it touching in that flopping not should be there way and it feels wrong.

I feel wrong.

And then…then I’m literally feeling wrong.

Triggered and it’s all making me cry as I’m reading stuff like…

Shawna Mathews …Trans* ideology reinforces the gender hierarchy and patriarchy, having this reinforced is in the interest of the powerful men, and men recognize this. Simply put it has been embraced because it caters to securing the interests of the powerful (cis men, who are on the top of the gender hierarchy and want to stay on top). They recognize what is in their "best interest" for securing and reinforcing their power and trans* ideology is indeed useful to them in that way. When the rich and powerful embrace you, by extension you will quickly gain power and influence, so the transactivists have quickly been given power and influence by the powerful. You can look at it like they are functioning essentially a lobby group for the patriarchy. Is it surprising that ( essentially a) lobby group for the powerful has quickly gained a loud voice.

 Jennifer Blake… That's a great point that they did tie themselves to the LGB movement and preyed on LGB sympathies/kind heartedness for people who are different. But they don’t care about being with us, it’s all for the T and fuck everyone else especially Lesbians.

Jane Minx …If transwomen don't like how hard it is to be a woman, then guess what? Take off your dresses, put on a business suit, and go run the fucking world.

Shawna Mathews ….Transphobia is always worse than homophobia right? Homophobia as a recognized oppression is being erased. In the hierarchy lesbian/gay/bisexual people apparently no longer REALLY suffer oppression. Trans* people apparently have it so much harder (and frankly there is a double meaning to this: since many gay/lesbian kids are being preyed upon) so lesbians should just shut up. Much that passes for transphobia is actually homophobia.

There’s more but it’s all sort of like that with things that are cropping up like…There’s no one naming me, they don’t actually say it but there’s no mistake on who they’re talking about.

Jane Minx… They’ll want in, they’ll want into the bathrooms and invading the one place at school where we can get space from the guyz.

Shawna Mathews… He’ll be peeing, great we’ll hear that sound.

Jennifer Blake… Looking at us, staring.

Jane Minx… I’m not doing it, there’ll be friggin hell to pay. I’m not getting eye raped and policed in my safe spaces.

Shawna Mathews… Not getting on any of the squads, slapping on a dress and make-up doesn’t mean that you can just walk on the teams and steal a place belonging to a real girl.

Real girl…

It’s all I can do to push my laptop closed and put it on the wheelie tray before it swamps me and I’m crying. Bawling even because it’s true even if it’s sort of not true and I…

I FEEL SO EFFING FAKE….!

Even curled on my side it’s there….even in the underpants and restrained.

But feeling my face…that face that’s sort of not quite right in my hands…the hair…it feels wrong, right down to my cells I’m feeling so wrong, so very, very effing wrong.

Choking on the wrong.

I pull the covers over me and the pillow too over my face to absorb the sobs and the shakes.

I really can’t even articulate how invalid as a person I feel.

Honestly…alien.

I don’t even feel like I’m human.

I cry myself to sleep.

Even with not being able to remember things crying myself to sleep is getting really effing old.

I kind of have dreams and they’re not good ones. I’m at a school…it could be mine but I don’t know. There’s people there and they’re being…girls getting in my way, not letting me pee.

I’m wearing a wig that some guys steal and toss in the garbage.

I’m wearing waaay too much make-up like I’m doing drag every time I see my reflection.

I’m in a really fugly dress…the whole nightmare stereotype.

I find bad note in my locker, dick pics in my books….the teachers sneer and just toss them in the garbage.

Some say. “You wanted to be a girl, you asked for this.”

Pushed by kids, crowded by kids in the halls, poked…pinched…then grabbed there…there over and over and I can’t get my arms to where I can defend myself.

The feeing makes me feel bad, bad down there…violated…touched…sick.

That’s what wakes me up.

I roll out of my bed as best as I can and get to the bathroom and I’m sick…it’s that sick that feels like it’s coming right up from my toxic crotch through my insides and it’s this bundle of toxic energy that I end up throwing up and out over and over until I’m doing the dry heaves between crying.

I get undressed there on my knees and reach over and flush the toilet and slowly get to my feet and I don’t look at myself in the mirror but I step into the shower and grab the body wash and the puff and start washing.

I keep the panties on.

Just no…I can’t deal with that right now.

Really hot water…then trying to wash Shawn off.

Trying to wash the nightmare off of me.

Getting mad.

Crying some more.

Getting madder still.

I punch the shower wall.

“Ow!…Ow, ow, holy effing ow…” I’m shaking my hand and biting at my lip from saying things louder or worse. There’s a concrete wall under the tiles apparently.

Derp.

Oddly the pain, venting and swearing seems to sort of helped get me out of the spiraling dysphoria stuff. Well that and I think I’m cried out. Honestly in the last while since being awake I feel like I’ve cried an entire lifetime’s worth of stuff.

So much likely Shaun never couldn’t.

And now…now I have what happens after a girl is done crying.

I’m hurt.

I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I get out of the shower and I dry off and glare at myself a few moments in the mirror before going and getting my things, dry underwear and change and dry there…eyes hard…jaw clenched through that.

Then I get my tablet and start playing tunes…Pink…angry stuff girl power kind of stuff and I start looking at myself in the mirror and take out my make-up and with a breath and leaning on the sink gripping it in a sort of eff-you to all of them I start doing my face.

“Fuck you…fuck you all (Angry sniffle.) I’m going to be who I am…and you’ll have to just deal with it.”

I’m going to do this, and keep doing this until I’m good at it, better than good at it.