Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 26

*Before…

And we’re both like looking at each other and the feeling of remembering or like déjà vu is like so super strong.

We’re both totally doing the mouth drop stare at each other.

And we both do the Jinx thing…twice.

And we both do. “You owe me a Tim’s.”

And my…my heart is breaking in a good way from the familiarity thing.

My heart is breaking in this amazing way because…because she and I we just did this…it wasn’t a fluke.

This is something that we did!

I…Sarah have like real history with someone and she’s doing the same kind of freaking out in a good way as we’re looking at each other and she’s getting it…and tearing up over it and my hand’s coming up to my mouth in that happy sobby thing and Kaitlyn’s doing that happy waving crying arm flapping thing.

“Oh holy crap Sarah it’s there! You’re there!”

(Happy double sobs.)

*And Now…

We Ooof hug again and we’re holding each other and Mom looks like she’s getting it too and she’s rubbing at her eyes and she’s so doing that slide closer to Dad who is starting to clue in that something actually really good just happened and there’s that happy Dad grin starting to form from ear to ear.

We’re like that for at least a few minutes before we break it up and we’re smiling and we’re doing the whole smiling and laughing thing and using napkins to wipe at our eyes and well of course messing with make-up or well Mom’s and Kaitlyn’s.

I didn’t re-apply from my crying thing with Dad.

Mom kind of starts packing our stuff up and we help doing the whole smiling and sniffling as we get things done with like carrying the plates and dishes that are the kitchen’s back into them and then we’re heading upstairs while Dad slips off to do whatever after doing the kissing mumble whisper with Mom and then another longer kiss before he takes off.

Oh wow.

I don’t know about before and Shawn’s like and experiences but actually seeing your folks be kind to each other and being loving to each other is awesome.

And very much a whole other kind of awesome when I get to see my Mom watch him leave and she does that still into him girl…sigh.

And part of me does that too. (Sniffle.)

We head up to my room and I look at Nova…Kaitlyn…yes, I’m still sort of mixing then a little because it’s just that that’s how I knew her like first in my head from reading my posts and stuff. Like Pyrokitty will likely always be PK to me and Fennec will likely always still be Fenn.

“So… like before you started but came out did you cry a lot?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda common it’s like you take off this pressure valve of stuff that is pent up and all of this stuff that you’ve like always felt and now it’s like socially okay to let go.”

“Oh…good because I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I was kind of wondering and stuff.”

No…Kaitlyn nods. “Yeah Not getting your ass kicked for being a pansy or a fairy or any of that other bullshit it’s really kinda nice.”

I nod. “It makes me wonder about my old self though and stuff because one of the other people that I know Adam he said that I used to stand up to bullies and stuff.”

She looks at me as we get inside and she takes off her boots and butt hops onto the bed. “Could be Shawn was looking for trouble.”

Mom’s like… “Really?”

Kaitlyn nods. “Yeah there’s a long and hallowed tradition of trans people being a little off with stuff like that because we try so hard at being like the opposite of what’s going on in our souls. There’s a lot of trans people in macho and dangerous jobs as a way of either manning up or like doing something like decent and good with our lives because we grow up seeing ourselves as freaks and stuff.”

“But you’re not freaks.” She’s looking at us both.

I shrug. “That’s kind of like true but it’s a hard trip from true to what you feel like.”

Kaitlyn’s like… “it’s kind of better in some places, I mean in others trans is like or worse than being gay or lesbian even though we can be that too. But now there’s some options and stuff depending on parents and where you live and stuff but the biggest stuff really is age.”

Mom asks. “Age?”

“Yeah with like the older trans people there’s a lot of stuff just in how they grew up and when that left them without any of the like options that we have now. I mean there wasn’t even a really open and diverse kind of social thing for most of them unless they took their lives into their own hands and went to like drag clubs and places and a lot of those were in dangerous places and areas or they just didn’t exist at all and people had to and still do like live in stealth.”

Mom nods and takes out some gum and shares it out. “And it’s different?”

I nod. “There’s trans stuff that’s like all still evolving as more and more people are stepping up and out of each other’s shadows and everything but there was nothing like non-binary trans people around and no community of that stuff.”

Mom has this huh look. “Non-binary?”

Kaitlyn looks at her. “Trans people that don’t want to go all the way or don’t need to go all the way. Like someone good with themselves that they don’t need to go in for like the surgeries and can like live pretty good lives as thet gender that they want.”

And I add. “And that doesn’t have to be a guy or a girl anymore it can be both or even none.”

Mom’s like… “I don’t get both?”

I look at her. “A non-op trans person that’s sort of good with being female but not that good with being a woman, so she goes on hormones some and she lives in this sort of other kind of male but not male thing and is still not fully transitioning…they’re called Boi’s with an I instead of a Y or there’s Dappers and Dandy and then there the ones that just sort of do the same things but to more like opt out of the whole system that they never really fit in going for a lot of androgyny.”

Mom just shakes her head. “We had none of this when I went to school we had a couple of LGBT kids and just mostly L & G and even that was kind of rare but that’s because home was red-necked as hell.”

Kaitlyn nods. “I’ve been to a few of those places when I went on vacation with the parents and stuff. There were times when I’d get clocked for being trans and some of these small town yokels would look at me and I swear that I could like hear effing banjoes.”

Mom let’s out this big sigh. “Well I’m really glad that we’re not there and that Sarah’s getting help…and that you’re here too Kaitlyn it’s a really big help.”

Kaitlyn smiles and she hugs Mom. “Hey Sarah’s like my best friend, so yeah it’s really a no brainer.”

I smile and sit in the chair and get my laptop ready and look at Kaitlyn. “So what’s the plan for today?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know but my folks are coming over today sometime.”

I nod she’d said that before. “Fix our faces?”

She nods. “Cool you can show me what you’ve got so far.”

We head to the bathroom and we actually fix our make-up and while we’re at it we start talking about the tutorials that I’ve been doing and then Mom joins us and she’s pretty much watching and my tablet gets brought in and we’re listening to tunes off of a play list I’ve found and we’re doing different make up tricks and things while we’re listening to tunes from Kaitlyn’s You Tube channel.

There’s serious chick rock going on with that… Garbage, Clout? Headpins, Lee Aaron, Wendy O Williams? (Wait was that a Bon Jovi tune?), Pointer sisters, Robin Beck? Juice Newton… (Oh Queen of Hearts!), Phantom Blue… (Girl Iron Maiden?), Roxette, Joni Mitchell, Bonnie Raitt, Heart, Luba? Starlight Butterfly, Dido, Hunter Valentine…

Mom’s almost ridiculously and awesomely happy with the tunes and we’re doing the make-up thing but we’re rocking out too and a little dancing…the bathrooms here are built for wheelchairs and they’re Spartan so like there’s enough room. I mean it’s not like we’re clubbing but just sort of dancing and there’s a bit where Kaitlyn’s go-go sixties dancing in the shower stall and that’s fun because we’re taking turns and goofing and even in like the hard rock girl tunes there’s some air-guitar and air drums.

And I didn’t know that girls even really did that, that much? Mom’s definitely a rock fan and it’s a lot of fun.

And there’s this look between the three of us several times.

We’ve never had this, Not one of us had this.

It’s all new and it’s ours.

God that’s a powerful feeling.

We have this whole awesome bit of girl time and I’m not sure how long Dad’s been there watching with the tray of coffees and box of Timbits but he’s there smiling.

Major blush time.

Mom too which is still like I said cool. It’s cool that they’re still like that…maybe me too with someone, someday?

We take a break from the beauty school of rock to go out and we hang out watching this old classic movie called Sixteen Candles and drinking coffee and eating Timbits.

Very, very nice way to kill the afternoon right up until the credits which has me falling asleep on Kaitlyn using her as a body pillow almost.

Her arm slipping around me was the best kick butt touch to having me drift off.

………………………….I wake up hearing new voices and when I come too there’s two new people there and it’s a Japanese man and woman there quietly talking with Mom and Dad and I can hear and feel Kaitlyn breathy in that sleeping way with us still intertangled and holding each other.

My eyes get a little misty and I get this lump in my throat because this, this is the thing you do when you have friends, real girlfriends just like everyone else.

But the thing that happens when you wake up that happens and I have to go pee. I get up. “Excuse me, bathroom.”

Kaitlyn wakes up. “Me too.”

Okay big thing…no not that, but going to the bathroom with another girl.

Even one that’s like me.

It’s hard not to look while we’re in there doing that, but she did have a cute pair of pink panties on that looked pretty expensive like VS or something like that and yeah…sigh…such long legs and the shade is perfect for her skin tone.

“Sigh…so pretty.”

“Hey, you’re pretty awesome too.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, blonde cute pixie waif you.”

“Waif, no that’s the coma liquid diet.”

“No you’re waaay hotter than you think Sarah and you’re only going to get better.”

“You think? I mean I don’t want to be like vain.” No…seriously I hate vain girls.

“Yes I do think so; you’ve got a great look.”

“You’re pretty awesome too Kaitlyn.”

“It’s just me; I still get like self-conscious all the time.”

“Such a girl thing.”

We both grin and nod and head out to meet her folks after washing our faces from the post sleeping in our make-up thing.

………………………………Kaitlyn’s folks are nice. Her dad Nash is from B.C. and ended up here working in the whole IT thing as a manager and Luna her mom’s the tall one and she actually used to be a model.

I kind of learn about that stuff because I really don’t know much about the who middle range modeling like for catalogs and smaller events and even a few commercials and things.

It’s also still this whole thing for us that her folks are Japanese in like race only both being like born Canadians and there’s this whole expectation sort of. Yeah I know it’s dumb but I kinda went there.

If anything her dad strikes me more like a surfer type he’s that laid back even those he’s like really technical and stuff for his work.

I kinda get Mom though since Luna’s kind of like her opposite and stuff with that never really been part of the whole female self-esteem world like she worked in.

No, I’m like not belittling or picking but Luna’s hot, she worked with that and stuff.

Mom…wallflower just kind of got by.

Me…I’m so feeling Mom really.

Thank god she sort of does the same kind of stuff that Nash does but apparently for The Toronto Dominion Bank.

It’s a sort of a get to know each other time and we even go to the cafeteria all together for supper since they have spaghetti on the menu there and it just is easy and handy.

We hang out there talking until they close and then we go for another walk all together talking about school and the whole homeschooling thing by computer and stuff that we have to think about dealing with.

Kaitlyn tried the public school thing. Two years ago and it wasn’t cool. There were a lot of people that gave her crap.

I remember her LJ entries with her getting called Ladyboy and Newhalf and getting crap and getting hit on.

She left when one of her teachers turned out to be a perv and felt her up after class.

Uncool…especially when you’re just coming out…and all nerves.

We hang out until it’s the end of visiting hours and the parents leave and Kaitlyn stays with me for the night!

Okay that was cool and I didn’t know about it and apparently it was okay with it and we settle in and keep the door closed.

So…much fun with my first sleepover and yeah it’s in the hospital but we get some shows set up on our laptops and we get some hot chocolate just the powdered stuff for the nurses at the nurses station and they share out a big bag of potato chips with us and then shower and we do facials and then we snuggle into some fresh heated flannels in our night things and we watch the whole Wandering Son anime.

So good…and I’ve never seen it and it’s a story about two trans kids a boy and a girl and it’s really cool because it feels like something that’s actually made just for us.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 27

It was late when we woke up and it was the food services lady coming in with my breakfast and I am still sort of full from all of the food from yesterday so the toast and turkey bacon I share with Kaitlyn and then we do some school work on our computers after she gets us two good coffees from the cafeteria and we do that for a while until my doctors come.

I got e-mails from Mom with her phone and e-mails for work and she left the same for Dad and they said that they’re going to be at work and that Kaitlyn was going to stick with me all day.

Very cool.

It earns Kaitlyn serious hugs and stuff.

“Hey it’s no big I was going to be here anyways and we’re not like helpless it’s physio and that kind of stuff so I told them I’d be here and this way we can hang out and I can pay you back.”

Head tilt… “Pay me back?”

“Yeah…back then with some of the stuff that I was going through when we first met Sarah you were like right there and you seriously talked me off of a cliff or three.”

I look at her. “It was that bad?”

“Transphobia, homophobia, racism…and on top of all the stuff that was going on with being trans and so not confident in myself and everything I get a whole friggin boatload of sexism on top of that but the other girls in school weren’t friendly and I literally had no one to talk to about it and Mom…well she’s used to it in this sort of way that she turned it around so much that she got it but she just couldn’t…I mean there are things that ‘Just ignore it.’ and that ‘They’re just jealous’ don’t help with when you’re thirteen.”

Yep…More Hugs.

“You’re here we’re good.”

And really it’s such a good thing that she’s here with me.

Okay I mean that nothing that’s going on is like a bad thing really no more scan coffin of death or anything like that it’s just Mondays and it’s all the other stuff and it’s really awesome to have a friend there to distract me which helps more for the boredom than anything else and we take our laptops and stuff and we head out to my various appointments.

Lab’s first and we don’t even get called down there until half past eight and then we’re waiting there for at least twenty minutes and stuff so we’re there watching people and doing things and going about they days and we’re doing our schoolwork or we’re working at it and we’re talking with an open IM window too.

Wow… They took a lot of blood!

“Uhm…isn’t that a lot?” I ask the nurse? Tech? The vampire guy.

“Yep, you have a lot going out for your Endo.”

“My Endo!”

Yes I’m more than a little excited. I look at him and he looks at me and he shrugs like it’s not a big deal and then he gives me a bit of a smile. “Okay well then congrats, it’s the tests that you thing got ordered are what I’m drawing for.”

“You’re not like…?”

He shakes his head. “I see all sorts of stuff here…Sarah (He had to look at his chart for my name.) if HIV and drug users and all sorts of things don’t get to me a teenager getting herself sorted definitely isn’t.”

“Thanks for that…”

“Myles and it’s no problem. Not all the people here are from small towns with small town ideas about stuff.”

“Well that’s good.”

He gives me this look like he knows what I’m talking about and he’s…gay maybe?

There’s a sort of vibe there.

Though him being nice helped and from there it was into x-ray for a couple of follow up spine shots just to see if anything changed I guess and then it was lunch.

We ate in the cafeteria and Kaitlyn bought and we had penne mac and cheese and a hot dog each and then we used the bathroom, re-did our make-up and then it was down to the other side of the hospital with physiotherapy and then there’s I’m told to go to occupational therapy for the stuff that’s me dealing with my aphasia.

Physio…hurt…well not hurt but it really made me feel it and they did stretches and then did light weights in my hands like fives and stuff and really light stuff like that but there was stuff like trying to do crunches and that was a no-go…it’s safe and I’m on a crash mat and there’s a nurse right there with me and I got kind of close to doing it but my back went into like spasms.

They fixed me up pretty fast though and without drugs with this really great big sort of heated pad thing and a comfy chair that it’s on and some arnica rub.

I can’t use the bench press that much but there’s some exercises that I can do with arm weights that use back muscles and then there’s the plastic ball thing too and I can do the side to sides while holding it and I can sit on it.

I can only do those for so long either before it hurts too but I can do them I guess and it’s a start…it’s where I have to start before I can do anything else and the rest is walking.

I can do a moderate speed walk for twenty three minutes before it starts to bother me. I can do stuff between that with like taking a break and sitting down.

But it’s really frustration because I’m sixteen…I shouldn’t be hurting and moving like this and it gets me frustrated when eventually just one thing to another, to another hurts.

And Kaitlyn’s there holding my hand or like in front of the treadmill that kind of stuff.

She even gets me sniffle-laughing when I’m upset at the attempt of a sit up and she plays *Eye of the tiger* as a joke.

She even does the Jensen/Dean lip-synching to go with it.

Okay see that’s something that’s like really geekette funny and something that only a friend would do. It was even funny that it went over like a lot of the heads of the people that were there.

Then there was OT or occupational therapy and that was…it was easier, they were interested in my school stuff and how I’m working that with my aphasia.

So how am I working with my school work and having this whole brain trying to buffer thing when it comes to doing some stuff?

Slowly.

It all the answer that I can give then with what’s going on with me and I can always replay something that I’m doing or trying to do or use the help and the…the…uhm…the thesaurus to look for words and the dictionary to look them up and there’s also being able to e-mail the teacher on call or whatever for personal help.

And they honestly just sort of tell me that there’s not a lot more that I can do other that doing that I’m doing and then we work on some of my motor controls which are actually pretty good.

And some math…or some more math stuff since I’m doing some in my school online work but math or figuring it out in my head or on paper is the thing that I’m having a really hard time dealing with the most and it’s just kind of really crappy doing all of this stuff since it’s hard and frustrating but the idea I guess is that the more that I do, the more that it retrains my brain into doing this stuff again.

And lastly it’s my appointment with Dr. Johansson and that’s actually pretty easy to go through now after her and I getting to know each other and her going that extra mile during the weekend we sit and we talk and most of it’s the unplugging of Shawn from Facebook and then there’s the fact that I have stuff in common with Dad and stuff like working with wood and working at that kind of thing and the whole bonding stuff with Mom and then there’s this whole frustration thing with the physio stuff and how I’m kind of scared that my back is going to be bad for the rest of my life.

“Sarah that’s a really strong possibility.”

“I know and that scares me, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do.”

“Like?”

“I actually don’t know but doing somethings will like really not be an option if I never get better.”

“But you can deal with it Sarah you’re doing it now.”

“It’s still scary doc.”

“It will be.”

“I don’t want to do pills either.”

“Pills, you mean painkillers?”

“Yeah, I know that they’re okay and stuff but I really don’t want to like get hooked on them. I don’t want to be fuzzy going through life.”

“That’s a good attitude, I think that you’ll be good but I think that you shouldn’t strike it all down right now either. There’s not getting dependent on something and then there’s suffering.”

“I know.”

“You’re in pain right now aren’t you?”

“A little.”

She gives me the side eye for saying that. “Well I’ll write an e-mail to the clerk of your floor and clear you for a session with the big tub.”

“The big tub?”

“It’s the tub they use for some mobility restricted patients but it’s also for stuff like this it’s really deep and it has a whirlpool set of tubes in it.”

“Oh…okay I’ve never been in one of those.”

“Well it’s a good option instead of pain and it might just help some.”

“Okay…thanks Doc.”

And that’s kind of the Monday session in a nutshell really it’s more of me just venting and stuff which I tend to do anyway on my Live Journal.

But I’m really glad to get home or rather back to my room after the whole day and stuff and when Kaitlynn and I get back to my room I seen Andy Keeler there outside waiting for me…us.

He’s…

Wow…he’s cute.

He’s got a bit of a better haircut and he’s still in his glasses and he’s wearing jeans and thankfully they’re guy jeans.

Hey non-binary, trans…whatever but a guy that’s a guy and all of that stuff to me sort of fits into this kind of mental spot like my dad does and stuff and a guy in skinny jeans even if he’s a skinny guy just looks wrong.

And he’s in a brown suede jacket that’s kind of seen better days but still sort of looks cool and he’s wearing a plaid work shirt under it but over a white t-shirt.

Oh…

Oh okay I like white t-shirts on boys.

I really didn’t know that.

He’s really kind of geeky shyish looking and cute.

And did I say cute?

He’s definitely one of those people that hates cameras and stuff and takes like a bad picture because he definitely looks better in person.

I stop and look at him. “Adam?”

“Sarah?”

I nod a couple of times until Kaitlyn gives me a poke with her thumb….. “Yeah, I mean yes.”

Blush.

“I just stopped over to see how you were since I didn’t get to the other day.”

“Oh…well I’m…”

Kaitlyn says. “She just got done a whole bunch of stuff like physio and all of that stuff and she’s kind of limping and stuff.”

And Adam is like… “Ouch sorry hopefully these will help.”

He passes me one of those bakery white boxes.

“Uhm thanks…you didn’t have to bring anything though.”

He sort of does this head tuck shy guy thing. “It’s okay I had the time…I actually made them in Home Ec.”

Okay…he takes Home Ec. That’s kinda cool, guys do that now.

“You want to come in?”

“Uhm…I kind of have to go actually I have to get to work.”

“You work after school too?”

“Most days, I’m saving up for stuff.”

“Oh…well that makes sense like what?”

“A car…a better car actually and stuff like going to cons and dating.”

“You’ve got a girlfriend?”

I’m holding my breath? Why am I holding my breath?

“No, but I can plan ahead right?”

“Well money’s not everything with girls y’know.”

He nods and he gives me this look? What was the look? Was it good or bad? Did he think that I was bullshitting him?

I don’t care about money.

Then he’s like. “I should go but I’ll see you around?”

And Kaitlyn’s like… “She hopes so, come around when you get a day off okay?” She so cheerful too, saying that.

I blush.

He blushes.

But there’s a little sort of shy smile there though like it made him sort of happy?

Adam has dimples too.

He just sort of half waves and he leaves and I’m looking at him and watching him go and Kaitlyn slips her arm over my shoulder and she’s grinning. “He…he has a cute butt.”

I stare.

Then I realize that I’m staring at his butt and him and his butt and it’s really cute.

I think a boy has a cute butt and it’s not in the gay way.

He leaves and I look at her.

“Ow…”

She grins. “Yep he’s a cutie pie and you’re so definitely a girl.”

(Gulp) “Well yeah…”

We head into the room and set our stuff down and I sit in one of the chairs in the room and sigh at how good that feels to get the weigh and the pressure off of my back.

Kaitlyn pulls over the wheelie tray and set the box on it and she grins at me then slips off to the bathroom.

I take a breath and sigh and open up the box.

?

Okay I see what sort of looks like ice cream cones?

They’re cupcakes and they’re in these small serving ice cream cones and somehow he baked the batter inside of them and they’re topped with this swirl of icing that makes them look like they’re soft serve ice cream.

Wow.

I’m looking at them and I take out my tablet and I take a picture of them for my Facebook and my tablet does that water drop sound and I see that I have an e-mail and I check it and it’s from Adam.

Adam Keeler: [Sarah, for what it’s worth. You’re really pretty.]

I’m staring at it and I’m staring at the cupcake cones and I’m blushing and I swallow and I send back. [Thank you but I’m still just kind of the same.]

[No, there’s a difference. I could see it in you.]

[I can’t see it. Mirrors are hard.]

[I can see it. And maybe mirrors never really reflect right?]

Breath Sarah breathe…oh…oh wow.

[You mean that? You’re not just being nice to me?]

[Yes, I’ve looked in my own mirrors; they never really seem to be the guy that I feel like. And yes I am being nice to you. I want to be nice to you.]

[Thank you.]

[I have to go I’m being pulled over.]

[What! You were texting and driving!? You’ll get fined!]

[It was worth it, I should go.]

[Okay…later.]

Then he’s gone and I’m staring at the text flow and I’m…

Holy cheese I don’t know what to do.

He’s a boy and he’s being nice to me, maybe even likes me? He’s going to get a ticket because of me.

He said it was worth it.

Like I was worth it.

Okay suddenly the day doesn’t seem to hurt and ache so much right now.

Mom and Dad showed up and we had supper from the cafeteria which was something called cheese and broccoli casserole and when dad goes for coffee and teas for us to have with the cupcake cones I show Mom and Kaitlyn.

Mom looks happy and confused and happy.

Kaitlyn’s over the Moon and reading the whole e-mail string out loud and I’m turning red and thankfully she lays off when Dad shows up.

Honestly…I have no idea what he’d do if he found out that a boy likes me.

Or that I like a boy.

Oh, oh yeah I’m pretty sure that I might have a case of the likes with Andy.

The cupcake cones are really, really good.

They’re still crunchy and yet the cupcake is chocolate and really yummy and fudge and the icing it this dark chocolate butter cream. He so works at a bakery…and he’s pretty good at it if he made all of this himself.

I get to use the big tub just about seven o’clock and it’s this huge tub like three feet deep and sitting in it on my butt my chin is like level with the edge and they have these silicon pads that I can use to drape over the back of it like a cushion and the water is sooo nice and it feels so soothing when they turn the jets on and it starts to do the whirlpool tub thing with the bubbles and for like the first time I thing I pull my legs up while I’m soaking and wrap my arms around them and do the happy hug myself.

Wednesday I was discharged and able to go home!

Okay yeah I sort of skipped Tuesday which was like Monday but no Andy to swoon over but there was school work on the computer…okay well some but a whole lot of my day was the tests and then it was talking with Kaitlyn about boys.

And Adam.

And Danny who I let her know if she hadn’t…

Then she comes clean that she and he’d been talking at flirting sort of a good part of yesterday.

And that morning.

So yeah Tuesday was talking about boys and doing the stuff for physio and talking about them and then it was seeing my therapist.

And that was a whole lot of talking.

“So I mean how?”

Dr. Johansson looks at me. “Well what do you mean how?’

“How the heck am I feeling like this? I’m not even started with stuff yet?”

“Sarah, even girls that haven’t hit puberty get crushes on boys.”

“But…okay but…”

I’m so glad Kaitlyn was outside otherwise she would have said something right then about Andy’s butt.

“But what? It’s a perfectly normal reaction for a young lady to have over a boy assuming that’s her sexuality.”

“Okay but why?”

“Why what?”

“Why me?”

“Why not you what’s wrong with you?”

“Look at me I’m a pre-everything trans girl! Why would he even remotely like me?”

“Why not, you’re nice, you’re kind and from what you’ve said he already knows that.”

“Shawn stood up to bullies for him.”

“You were always inside of Shawn right?”

“Yeah…”

“Then he knows that you’re brave and you’re kind.”

“But I don’t look…I’m not pretty like he said.”

“Why not, actually like this in the right clothes and with your size right now and your make-up done you pass Sarah, you look like you need puberty to catch up to you still and that’s actually true but you do pass.”

“He said I was pretty.”

“He was right because he was telling you that.”

“Huh?”

“It’s the eyes of the beholder thing Sarah it’s Andy’s opinion if he thinks you’re attractive to him or not.”

“I…what do I do?”

She shrugged at me my therapist actually shrugged at me. “enjoy it, hate it, it’s up to you Sarah it’s exactly the same thing that we all go through when we might think we’re in co-like with each other.”

How the heck do you leave the therapists office in a happy slump?

I was all ready to start to kvetch about all of it when Mom and Dad were at my room with some pizza hut pizza and that’s when I got the news I was being discharged.

Which was yay.

And I guess I could have left that night but I was tired and they were tired and I just wanted to think without the whole parents there since it was still kind of all Andy and boy related stuff and it’s just be easier to go to my appointments with physio an OT and get the materials and exercise sheets and books that they had for me.

But now I’m headed home and it’s the afternoon and everything and so far so good.

I was able to get into Dad’s Impala without freaking out.

I was worried actually about getting in a car.

Actually it is bothering me.

The whole feeling has me sort of in this whole unsettled sort of edgy thing.

Like holding onto the seatbelt whenever we pull to a stop, take a corner or he gives it a little gas.

Dad looks back at me in the mirror.

“Sarah? You okay?”

“No…I don’t think I like cars that much right now Dad.”

“Are you going to be okay though?”

“Yeah…I think so.”

Okay I might be pushing the envelope a lot doing this but I live in a town where you kind of have to drive because there’s no bus stops that I can see here in town and I don’t remember any and we get to this point of driving out to where some of the houses have barns and fields and we’re a five minute drive past the sidewalks.

There’s a sigh and s hiver of relief that runs through me when we pull off the road and down a dirt driveway.

Oh…oh wow I like the house.

The front yard could have been a small pasture like for goats or sheep or something but it’s two of them edged with white painted horse fencing and the grass is cut short and there’s some blue spruces planted in the middle of them.

Then the house is this really old styled country house with like almost three floors and the four sided roof and to match it there’s a wraparound ranch styled deck with the roof that comes down all the way around and there’s lots and lots of side yard and back yard that’s full of spruces and a lot of pine trees and then the drive way turns into a bug sort of dirt yard in the back of the house and I can see two gable styled barns and everything has this almost oaky brown stain or paint with that really nice white country style trim to it.

Oh I can’t help it but to look at it all when I get out of the car and sort of do that turn around slowly and just take it all in.

It smells really nice here…its spring so all of the buds are doing their thing and the whole place smells all like country and evergreens.

“This…this is really nice. Are you sure I live here?”

Dad laughs. “I’m a contractor kiddo remember.”

I look around and the déjà vu is really really strong.

“No but kind of? It’s sort of like I have this really imprinty feeling of the place.”

“I get that; well hopefully home will spark stuff a little more.”

“Maybe.”

The inside of the house is as nice as everything else and yeah it strikes me as something that a carpenter and contractor might have done.

Hardwood floors and not the click flooring and they’re warm on the feet.

A really big old country kitchen with that three wall wrap around counter and cupboards over those and cabinets under it too. New appliances though or modern ones and stuff so not like brand new.

Lots of exposed beams and stain and corner joists? Brown stain and white well light sandy sort of tope for the actual walls so it’s like outside but kind of reversed.

I like the thought of that.

The whole house is nice and all of the other stuff is well what you’d likely expect with an upper middle class family with two incomes…it’s really, really nice and we have it pretty lucky really.

Actually I’m not all too bugged about that either or uncomfortable in being like well off because of the stuff that Mom told me about how they grew up and everything.

They worked for it and they both kinda went through a lot of shit to get to this point and I get that’s hardly easy.

Then…Then it’s up and up to my room and that’s a little weird with Kaitlyn leading the way.

“So…what will I be seeing?”

“Porn.”

“What!?”

She giggles and I stick my tongue out at her. “No is it bad?”

“No it’s not but there’s that smell.”

“Smell, oh dammit what smell?” I have these bad images of like wadded tissues…yeah I know it’s not likely given Shawn was me but still y’know?

It’s got door at the base of my stairs and as soon as we’re in past it it’s not what I expected? There’s art hung up or pictures up on the walls of the stairs and it’s like stuff that I didn’t expect.

Pictures of places all over the world from like cheap magazines in like those plastic black frames and there’s stuff like seeing people surfing and Stonehenge at sunset and there’s even a few actual paintings of like horses and landscapes too there that are actually pretty cool.

It’s twelve stairs up and I might have to ask dad about a hand rail. It’s not like it’s steep but it just actually doesn’t have a hand rail and steady might be nice.

Inside though… it’s a lot like the rest of the house open beams and stain and here’re there’s that click wood flooring but it looks good and it’s clean and I have no windows and the ceiling is eight feet or so and it’s sheetrock under the beams and the room is pretty clean.

A big closet and two dressers and one rectangular full length mirror and there’s a big computer desk and a really nice home computer with a big monitor and bookshelves here and there and I have an old TV stand thing with a medium sized flatscreen TV and a stereo in it and a lot of CD’s and DVD’s and a few boxes of old comics and even an old love seat too sort of close to the TV stand I think for company and I have a bed that’s actually pretty kind of like standard fare that sort of looks like it came from Ikea.

And I do get the smell.

Cologne and guy deodorant and all that stuff with the smell of like just Shawn in the room and sneakers and it just smells really alien to me.

It smells like a guy’s room.

I look at Kaitlyn. “Not as bad as I thought but I’m going to need to clean, and then get rid of some things and actually just sort of like make the place actually mine.”

Kaitlyn nods. “Yep finally Sarah has her own real space.”

I look at it and I nod and smile a little. “Want to help me with the sheets first?”

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 28

The week with Kaitlyn was really fun and we worked our tails off even if it hurt doing it getting my room straighten out.

Wash the floors and walls with down and we washed all of my old clothes and you’d think that I might have tossed them out but I actually kept a lot of stuff. I had a new pair of grey low cut sneakers that were barely used so I kept those and I had a lot of cool t-shirts that were either like those ironic saying t-shirts or like band shirts and I tossed the work or just too not really me out to be given to charity.

Dad brought in my new mattress and box spring because I needed a special one that we had to get from a medical supply place.

And that was kind of it for my room.

Then it was going to my appointments twice more before the eased them back to Mondays and Wednesdays.

And we went shopping.

Frankly and honestly I needed everything and Mom was kind of well…mom buys stuff she likes and she’s still even not too sure even then.

So the three days that we went shopping for my things it was after supper and school and it was Me and Mom and Kaitlyn and Jo-Beth. Kaitlyn had some money and Jo-Beth didn’t care because I was like a living doll for her to find stuff for.

And it was really fun too.

I mean I could see this thing in Mom that was getting fed.

Jo-Beth was actually fairly popular wherever we went. It’s not too hard to see either A lot of guys liked her of course and she sure knew like how to work that and she was huggy and bubbly and friendly and people really actually responded to her.

Kaitlyn started calling her McJack.

And she didn’t get it until we showed her and got her hooked on Girls with Slingshots and she is sooo much like Jamie in that web comic it’s like uncanny.

Then it was getting my hair done. I don’t have the length or anything but I wanted something that looked cute. And Mom did a great job of it it but I get it colored even s bright sunshine blonde that unmistakably girl with what hey call crystal highlights so it’s blonde with platinum highlights.

I really liked it and I got my ears pierced as well just simple studs for the time being.

Such little hallmarks that are like so important really or at least to me.

And well of course clothes shopping too.

I don’t know exactly how to class my style other than maybe mid-girly casual? I get a few dresses and some summery things of course and I do like those things but I’m kind of still partial to pants and shorts and capris.

It’s a bit of a confidence thing.

And the shopping wasn’t like it wasn’t frought with it’s own challenges either. It’s a small town, people know who Mom is and people have talked and well of course there’s all of the kids and stuff from school that know and just seeing me with Mom I can see people putting two and two together and figuring out who I am.

Or more like who they think that I am.

There were more than a few looks, lots of stares and lots of frowns and there was those few times when things almost happened.

Like me going into the change rooms in Target.

There was a bunch of girls shopping there that definitely knew who I was and they snubbed all of us and then they went I think and complained.

Which brought a clerk who chickened out and went and got the manager who took one look at all of us and saw the ready to fight and draw blood look on Mom’s face and all he said was to ask if we needed any help.

We had the same thing almost happen too at MacDonalds using the bathroom there. But it was the fact we had an adult and we had the four of us and there wasn’t stuff said either.

But there’s people that I don’t even know here that don’t like me or don’t like the thought of me.

More like they don’t like the thought of me because they don’t know me at all.

But it’s still there, it’s still bugging me and it still kind of hurts too.

Oh and I started my blockers that first Friday and my hormones too getting my first scripts and it actually felt kind of like this weight came off of me.

It wasn’t even like a wahoo celebration thing but instead it was this whole feeling of relief…relief that the bullshit and the waiting and stuff was over.

And that wasn’t the only thing that happened on Friday either.

We had been shopping and we were just getting done at Walmart and were getting things put into Mom’s SUV and Danny pulls up in his old beater of a Cutlass station wagon and he rolled down the window and he was grinning.

“Afternoon ladies.”

Mom’s like… “Afternoon Daniel.”

I wave a little… “Heya.” We still had been sort of talking on my new Facebook and everything but he’s looking at me but he’s not looking at me he’s actually looking at Kaitlyn.

And he says… “Hey Nova.”

She blushes and she snorts all at the same time. “That’s your big line” Hey?”

He grins even more and he does a bad, bad asian fake accent and he leans out the window a little. “Wot’s happening haut stuff?”

Like the Chinese guy did from the movie we watched Sixteen Candles.

It was both funny and cute and snazzy. And we all sort of laughed and giggled some and Kaitlyn looked at him after she stopped giggling. “Can I do something for you?”

He pulled out some flowers from where he had them hidden inside the car and yeah they looked like the ones you get at the checkout at the grocery store but still.

Still it was a guy being sweet and giving her flowers.

Then Mom reaches over and does that finger flick behind his ear. “Do it again mister and at least get out of the car.”

We sort of giggle.

Kaitlyn blushes.

Danny blushes.

But he does get out of the car and he walks over to Kaitlyn and he coughs and looks at her. “will you go out with me tonight?”

She’s staring at him.

It takes a few minutes y’know for that kind of thing to like sink in. We really do think for all that we sometimes be funny or playful or sweet…it’s kind of bravado.

We kind of think we’re pretty undateable a whole lot of the time.

And I get my revenge by giving her a thumb jab in her side.

She unfreezes and she nods. “Yes, definitely yes!”

He gets this really lit up happy look on his face and in his eyes and he blushes and he smiles a little. “Can I pick you up at seven?”

Kaitlyn nods. “I’m…I’m staying at Sarah’s house.”

He nods. “Okay, I know where that is. I’ll see you then.”

He got into his car and he left and we had this whole few minutes of the three of us having this totally goirled out thing and we headed home to unpack and to get Kaitlyn ready for her date.

It was heartwarming and it was really fun doing all of that and being the one to talk her down before she wound herself up too much with all of the what ifs.

I didn’t go, I didn’t have a date and didn’t want to tag along so Jo-Beth and I hung out and did the clothes and other thing for awhile and me trying to get looks together. Learn how to put looks together and how to layer things and just all the stuff a lot of people…a lot of girls are way ahead of my in.

We even did a sleepover because if Jo-Beth didn’t get date dirt I think she actually might have exploded that night.

And it was even better than our night in my hospital room and we could be loud and laugh and giggle and squeel about the whole thing.

Danny took her to the show and the saw Catching Fire and he did the door thing and he paid and even after he took them both out for a drive to a local diner place called Frankies where they have all the old tunes and the neon and he bought them like old fashioned shakes and they even danced and stuff outside by his car and they kissed.

It was awesome…well I mean the night was awesome and her whole time that she was here was awesome.

But yeah she said the kiss was awesome.

I was totally thrilled and sort of jealous.

Adam hadn’t called or texted since.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 29

June was full of suck.

Kaitlyn ad to go home and things were bust there with her and her starting a babysitting job and then there was me and my therapy which takes a lot of time and then my school work and doing all of that and going through Shawn’s stuff on the computer and other stuff in my room.

And no there wasn’t any porn actually anywhere and I looked…I guess like morbid curiosity and all of that stuff. I did find stories though some written on my hard drive and some of them were TG stuff and some were down loaded and renamed.

Really clean browser history like he/ I went through it and cleaned it up a lot and frequently.

I’m not going to say that I was really shocked about finding it though and I’ll have to say actually being in transition changes how that all stuff seems and reads.

Yes I read it.

And I have no idea about what to think or feel about being with a guy.

Add in missing Kaitlyn and having not heard from Adam and hormones just kicking my butt with the moods and being sick.

Oh no one told me that sometimes when you start this you get almost morning sicknessy kinda of feels. Okay so yeah people have said it and blogged it but it wasn’t like they actually told me.

And then there was two sort of story related boner dreams that kind of sent me into dysphoria land for awhile.

Because I thought that those would have stopped with the blockers and the hormones that I’m on. I know, I know it all effects us differently and it’s a process.

That still didn’t help me from feeling like that and feeling all confused and stuff about sex.

Well one thing did turn out to be correct and that I’m definitely hetero or really close to it.

After six weeks seeing a guy online or on TV that looks really nice actually catches my attention.

Six weeks and by the end of the month I gotta know.

I told Dad where I’m going and I take my bike out and I bike into town that last Saturday in June and I actually went looking for Adam at the bakery.

It’s a little strange too I’ve been out on the bike a few times but I’ve never driven really into town and it’s longer than I thought or liked really but it was sort of uneventful other than a few times when the traffic got too busy and too much for me and I had to stop and walk the bike.

Nope… I’m still not over the whole cars thing yet they still make me nervy and likely always will.

My back’s still iffy too but it’s slowly improving.

But I was in capris and a halter top now that I don’t need my inserts and have a nice bust starting…itchy and hurting but it’s starting and I oddly am okay with all of the negatives with growing breasts because they’re my breasts. They feel right on me, they make me look a lot more right when I look in the mirror too.

It’s worth a little discomfort to feel okay about myself.

Even with still not remembering it’s still this deep down feel finally okay with myself and getting there more and more each passing day.

It took about an hour to get there and I’m a little more sweaty that I would have liked but that’s not even that bad either since I don’t smell like I used to either.

The place is small but it’s actually pretty cute too and it’s a nice yellow with white trim and it sort of reminded me of a lemon cake or something and I parked my bike and I headed inside.

There’s a woman behind the counter and she’s putting out long loaves of bread and she turned around and smiled at me. “Hi can I help you miss?”

“Uhm I was wondering if Adam was around?”

“He is but he’s not really allowed to see anyone?”

“Oh…is he sick?”

“No he’s been grounded.”

“Oh…okay no phone either?”

“No phone and no computer and no car.”

“Oh he got in trouble with the police stopping him then.”

She blinks and she looks at me. “You’re Sarah?”

I nod and swallow…my mouth’s dry now.

“You’re real?”

Okay…I wasn’t expecting that.

“Uhm…yes?”

“Okay Adam’s never really…and…you’re really Sarah?”

Okay I sort of blushed and I grinned. “I’m definitely Sarah.”

“Well…okay then that make things different.”

“How?”

“Well you actually exist.”

“You thought he was lying?” That’s kind of messed up.

“Sort of, I kind of heard things and well it wasn’t something that we believe in and he’s never really been with a girl before this and we thought that he was trying to cover it up.”

“What up?”

“That he was gay, we don’t believe in that sort of stuff.”

“What’s wrong with gay people?”

She gave me this look.

“Oh…you’re him.”

“Pardon?”

“Him, that poor boy with the brain damage.”

“I’m not a boy, I never was.” My guts are falling through the floor right now.

She looked at me. “God doesn’t make mistakes, and if you think so then you’re just another pervert.”

We stared at each other and she was getting madder the longer I held her gaze and I was getting mad too but it’s this hurt and almost crying mad kind of way and she actually walked over to the phone on the counter.

“I want you to leave or I will call the police.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“I’ll say that you showed yourself to me like that pervert did in Toronto in the newspaper.”

“Why!?”

“They’ll believe me too, people know what you are and what people like you are like now get out of my shop!”

She picks the phone up and I ran out of there and It’s all that it took for me to get out of there and away from her for the tears to start and just keep going and flowing out of me and I somehow got on the bike and I pedaled…and somehow didn’t have another accident.

I got off the main streets though because I couldn’t deal with the traffic and I just couldn’t deal… it was triggering me so bad because it’s just…how the hell are people like us ever going to get any chance at anything with people like her!?

They call us stuff and there’s all these bad people that aren’t trans people that do all these effed up things but we’re getting blamed for them!

God-fucking-dammit!!!

I couldn’t bike like this and I got off the bike and pushed it over to the ground and I was crying and pacing and wiping at my eyes and that’s when I seen it all.

There’s these deep, deep black marks and in a long skid over the pavement at the corner and then I saw at the corner’s other side cheap vase and candles and old flowers there…and I knew where I was at.

I couldn’t stop from walking over there if I tried and I’m just standing there and wiping at the tears and looking at the whole old memorial scene thing that’s still there and that has been sort of just left there since it’s been so long.

And I couldn’t remember…I tried…I tried and I tried and it was just not coming which makes me cry even harder and even though I’m crying and my back hurts I’m picking stuff up…setting things back upright and straightening it all up.

I don’t know how long that I was there but there’s the flicker of the streetlights coming on and there’s headlights that make me flinch right after that and I seen Mom getting out of her SUV and I’m sort of numb as she get’s me off of my knees and into her SUV.

She doesn’t freak out.

“Adam called me.”

“I…I just wanted to…”

“I know, he said he saw you leave and that you didn’t hear him calling out to you.”

“That woman…she said.”

“Mildred Keeler needs to keep her mouth shut before someone does it for her.”

“She’d hate God himself if it made her seem more important with that holy roller crowd of hers.”

“But Adam…” (Sniffle.)

“He quit.”

“But…?”

“If he wants a job I’ll get your Dad on it but he’s done working for his old bigoted grandmother.”

“But she said he was grounded for… for lying and them thinking he was gay…”

Mom huffs.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Momma…I’m sorry…” (Sniffle-whine.)

I can’t help it after that point it was all too much and I break down crying in the SUV and I don’t remember how I got out or into my room.

Yeah June sucked.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 30

It was all this whole big blow up after that happened with Adam actually quitting and that causing a whole big deal with his grandmother Mildred.

She kicked up a heck of a stink with her holy roller close to Westboro bunch of hers but in the end it was all kind of hot air.

I was trans but not the only LGBTQIA+ person in town, she tried to spread lies and stuff about my folks and how they raised me too but Dad’s pretty well known and so is Mom for working at the bank and basically when her church started getting flak from people in town like it ot not they actually put a muzzle on her.

I felt bad though.

I felt for awhile that I did something to have started her off.

Apparently not.

She uses the N-word and if you’re Native then you’re a dirty and lazy Indian and if you’re brown of any persuasion you’re a Paki.

Adam…

He called.

“Hey.”

“Hey…?”

“Sarah?”

“Yeah…Adam?”

“Yeah…is it, is it alright that I called you?”

“You got your phone back.”

“No, the cops still have it.”

“They still have it? They took it?”

“Yeah…” He sounds embarrassed.

“What happened?”

“Driving while texting.”

“You shouldn’t have been doing that.”

“I was talking to you.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have been doing that too.”

He sighs. “Yes I should have…I mean talking with you I mean I really shouldn’t have been driving while I texted you and especially was still doing it when the officer was tapping on te window.”

Dammit… I didn’t want to giggle but I did and I sigh too after that. “So the officer took your phone?”

“Yeah and a fine…Dad impounded everything after that until I pay him back…for the fine and the phone.”

“And the phone?”

“Yeah he was pissed.”

“So…you quit?”

“Yeah I couldn’t take working for her anymore.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I got a better job.”

“Oh? Mom said Dad was going to try to hook you up?”

“I couldn’t, I’d be working for your Dad.”

“And there’s something wrong with that?”

“It’d be even more awkward asking you out.”

“Wait what?”

“I’d like to go out with you if I can? I mean if you want to.”

“But…Your family…?”

“Sarah please, please don’t take the crap that she says seriously.”

“But she’s your grandmother.”

“She’s a racist and a bigot and a whole lot of nasty things. I wasn’t working there because I wanted to. I was doing it because dad asked.”

“Oh…and do your parents know?”

“It’s only Dad and I but yeah he knows.”

Oh…well I didn’t know that.

“I’m sorry.”

“She was all alone and she wasn’t doing to well with the bakery.”

“Was she sick?” Yeah the other kind of sick came to mind.

“No she was herself and it’s twenty-fourteen, people don’t go to places that treat people badly.”

“She had friends with everything that happened?”

“Yeah…well they’re free with their hate but not with their cash.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay I’ll go out with you.” My stomach is so full of butterflies.

“Tonight?”

“Uhm tonight’s Canada Day.”

“You want to go to the fireworks with me?”

“Okay…” (Swallow.)

“I’ll come over at six?”

“Okay…” Oh c’mon brain!

“Okay…I see you then.”

And he hung up and I was sitting there for awhile still holding the phone when Mom came in getting ready for work and we looked at each other.

“Sarah? You okay?”

“I have a date?”

“When!? With who?”

“Adam, and tonight…”

“So he finally called?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re smiling.”

“Yeah…Mom?”

“Yes Honey?”

“What do I do? What do I wear?” I look at the clock and suddenly to get everything ready even myself it doesn’t seem like anywhere like enough time.

“I’ll help, but the first thing?”

“What?”

“Call Kaitlyn.”

……………….. Okay, okay that helped both the freaking out over the phone and the squeels and then up to my room and Skyping and outfits and make-up.

Mom came up with pizza for lunch and we must have done every thing I had in every combination and y’know…

Nova, Kaitlyn…even today she dropped everything.

LOL it still took forever.

Her…Mom they kept me busy and they kept me sane.

………………… Adam picked me up on a dirt bike.

I’d never been on one in my life and he had an extra helmet and we dove out to the lake where there was a whole lot of people and the fire department and the people that served in the militia services here and some of our vets all doing the whole big tables with pot luck stuff and buffet foods and lots of grills and stuff for the little kids too.

And there was music with some people playing up on the gazebo they have there as a bandstand and it’s a good date.

Yeah there were a few looks but not as many. And most people just didn’t care that much with me being me and that’s just that.

I didn’t cause a ruckus, I didn’t do anything different.

Right down to getting a ketchup and mustard stain on my sundress trying to eat a hotdog and not get messy.

To the kind of awkward dancing.

To getting pushed on the swings…and feeling my dress slip and flutter around my legs.

To walking with sparklers.

And watching the fireworks.

It was really perfect.

……………….. It wasn’t the first date either.

We go out and sometimes it with Danny and Jo-Beth and sometimes it just us and we’re taking our time.

We’re both nervous, likely me more than he is but Adam’s still nervous too.

But it’s okay, it’s actually more than okay.

………………..The rest of the summer was actually pretty good too.

A week living over at Kaitlyn’s.

Going to Niagara Falls and Marine Land.

But lots and lots of studying… getting ready.

Getting ready for school.

And that’s where I’m at now, getting ready for school.

My course work accepted, the stuff with me going through transition accepted.

I even don’t have as bad a time on the bus than in a car…yeah still got that happening and yeah I’m working on it.

I’m working on my life and my future as I step off the bus with the other kids for the first day of high school.

Then I’m Ooof Tackle hugged by Jo-Beth.

That’s a good way to start anything.

A good way to start the new year.