The day is off to a good start, though things are not perfect. I have notice a number of twos at Carol’s like two toothbrushes, two sets of brushes and robes. There are clothes that are the right size, but not quite right for her. It’s is a good wake-up call that my life change needs to be for me. It would be easy to get angry at Carol if something is up. However, if I want to be angry with anyone it should be the girl in the mirror since I took so long to accept me and to get back to Carol.

I kinda wish I didn’t love being Samantha or love Carol; it would be nice to be back in college and delay responsibilities until I figure everything out. Knowing me, I could drag that out another ten years or even until retirement if I really try.

Having the white evening dress along with the rest of my stuff, I make my way back to my apartment feeling sorry for me. It is my first time back without Mary greeting me, but I wish she had.

Next I walk a few blocks to find a small grocery store. I get some fresh vegetables, cheeses and staples I need like milk, coffee and juice. The air still is chilly as shadows still cover half the block; taxis, delivery trucks and buses filling the air with noise, exhaust and add to the breeze.

It’s a short walk down the block to a meat market for fresh meat and fish; I get some good baking potatoes, meat for Chinese pepper steak and some chicken. And it’s another half block on the other side of the street for a good oriental market. The oriental market is especially good for rice, unusual spices and sauces.

I should have bought things in reverse order, now I am trying to carry four bags from the farthest point to my place. I wanted to look around, but looking like a young bag lady, walk home.

I decide to make Chinese pepper-steak which I know Carol loves. I shower, freshen up and have on my most casual skirt. Another note to self: I need everyday clothes for being around my apartment. Then I start to sort out my apartment. And I send a text to Carol telling her about supper.

“Sam, I wasn’t going to come over, but suspect that is why you are making your Chinese Pepper-steak; so I will be there by 6:15 p.m. But we will need to talk, please don’t invite Mary or any stray puppies.”

The apartment comes together with a definite Samantha flavor to it. I have an off blue color for my bedroom that I mix down to a much softer shade of blue. I make a list of things to pick up outside the city. I already plan to make visits home and to my sister pay. Come early afternoon I shop for office furniture and equipment. I check with Ms. Anderson; she tells me what they have in storage. I buy accordingly making sure I have what I want. A designer’s table, chairs and a small side table are my main purchases along with a new laptop with more than the essential bells and whistles. Some things are to be delivered around 8:30 in the morning and the last group at 11:30.

I have good lines on three rental/lease places; the first two bids are from those Kelsey has a record of business with and a third is a group out of Staten Island seeking to rebuild back after Hurricane Sandy. Nothing is inexpensive around the City but I verify City Wheels dependability is highly rated and costs on average some fifteen percent less. Enough work, back to my day off.

The Chinese pepper-steak cooks up easy enough and is now simmering nicely in its sauce, a nice bed of oriental green beans with almond slivers to go in at the last moment are cooking up as well as the rice. I have a bottle of red, but expect Carol will also bring a bottle wine. Last I’m preparing a fresh salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing as Carol buzzes in.

I know she’s coming in but she still surprises me with a hug from behind and a kiss on the neck. I said, “Do us a favor and open the wine and pour me some?” “Your bottle or mine,” she asks? I can tell by her eyes we are both happy to see one another, yet there’s a prayer in our greetings.

There is no surprise that I’m in a skirt; and I like that Carol is too. It is easy to tell her panties are not cotton. I love the feeling of sliding my hands over her gentle curves. I have things ready so we sit and begin to eat.

“Samantha, you know I am still in love with you but I need to be honest with you.” I’m not expecting that she would share unless I confront her. “I’m in love; we’ve known each other and… Well Sam, I can’t give her up and have you get cold feet or deny who you are again.” I look into Carol’s eyes, lean over and give her a gentle kiss. We sit at the table lightly eating and talking; less than half our meal leaves the plate.

“Carol, it will be a while before I should to commit to anything, and for the life of me I can’t promise you anything. Even as Samantha, I’m not sure I will give up being Sam, I mean Samuel’s parts. I love you too, but whether I marry you or another woman as Samantha, I might want us to have our child.”

Something changes and Carol looks down, I can’t see into her eyes. I am not sure what she’s thinking, until a strange thought comes to mind. I lift her chin and she looks up. “You want a child too, but not necessarily with me.”

“Damn Samantha, you’ve picked some time to speak up.”

“I’m right aren’t I; you would like a child and you wouldn’t mind if I helped you to get pregnant, would you?” No sooner I say it and I wish I hadn’t. I start again, “You wouldn’t have said anything about that would you? I’m sorry, I should know better… You still want a child don’t you, and you would wait six months to a year you would consider asking me, especially if I transition, wouldn’t you?”

Carol knows I am not angry, though I am a little hurt. If we didn’t mean so much to the other she would have left already and I would have shoved her out as she was leaving. Instead, I put on a slow song and we dance together. We both have tears filling our eyes, but hers run over and dampen my cheek as well. Valerie is her love's name and I don’t know if she is my competition or already in her heart the spouse of my best friend. I am positive Carol is my best friend; I don’t want to lose her again.

I start to undress Carol to take her to bed, but all the while she is telling me about the last two years. She doesn’t mention Valerie more than twice by name, but I can feel Carol’s heart for her. “Samantha I couldn’t deceive you and if we’re not together, I won’t ever ask you.”

“How can you say that? I know how much you want a child. I bet even Valerie wants a child,” I tell her. “You can use a sperm bank if you have too, but I bet you’d be thirty something before you’d do that.”

“If you wouldn’t ask me, is that because you two wouldn’t want me as the father of your child?”

Carol turns to me, “I can’t tell if that is you being insensitive again or trying to mask your own hurt, but you should have known better.”

“I do and you should know I would do anything not to lose your friendship again. While it’s way too early, yes I would help you and Valerie to have children. But you need to know, I love you very much and love being together,” I get passionate with Carol and we’re close to going to bed. And then something in Carol changes and she starts getting dressed to go home. “I’m sorry Samantha; I’m not giving up either, but I can’t tonight.

While I’m not giving up on my love with Carol; in the morning I am kind of glad. I woke up looking like a woman who cried herself to sleep which is partly true. I get a good shower, a cup of coffee and nicely do my makeup. What wonders that does for my appearance and disposition? I am down to Perez’s by 7:05 and off to work.

That gets me into work at 7:45 and only Ms. Anderson is there to greet me. She says Jennifer is up in her office. I am in my office setting up my computer. Then with key in hand I check the furniture storeroom hoping to find a desk. There is a very nice wooden desk a couple of drawers are marked but very repairable. If I can have a port hole drilled for wires and with some TLC the desk will be a steal.

I route my request for the desk through Ms. Anderson to Ms. Stengel and by 11:00 the desk is to be in my office. It was earmarked to be sold or traded off. “The next time,” Cassandra tells me, “Just take it; let someone know you have it. Procedure on formally asking for the small stuff is distracting; if it helps you to get in production that makes sense.”

Come 9:30 we’re in meeting with Michaels and the scale of our work is more than I imagine. We have nine fashion lines for ‘Fall’ clothing that will be going to retailers late July. Marketing says “Three lines have problems with few exceptions. Sheila, Docherty and Samantha are assigned to recommend needed changes.” Jennifer underscores “No later than Thursday, Monday will be best if it involves significant production changes, am I understood?”

Short work is made of my recommendation for leasing cars. Our department agrees to lease two Chrysler 300s; making one available to other divisions, knowing executives could co-opt them if it proves popular and beneficial. Before we leave the meeting the first vehicle is scheduled in for 7:00 a.m. Monday at our office fueled and ready. It is equipped to handle wireless connections.

The meeting Monday in New Haven will be with high end fashion and specialty stores, for the New England region. “Samantha and Sheila, it will be very helpful if at least one of those fall lines supposedly in trouble will be marketable by then.”

Without thinking I speak, “I have an idea for one of the lines we would like to boost and promote? This one, with some beautiful tweeds and quality fabrics, could be used in making it an exclusive line. I think the problem is not the design or look but that the look is new and daring.” I draw three rough sketches with colors and grab swatches that go well with them. I am able to send a download that Jennifer Michaels and Cassandra Stengel can tap into.”

“Marketing shows three areas where the line already tests well in. If we promote the look and get the line there ten days early, we could use that in introducing it nationally.” I look up realizing I spoke out of order; noticing everyone else is quiet. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have spoken out like…” Everyone turns and looks to Ms. Michaels and Stengel.

Jennifer looks at her computer and then back at me. “You are a little brazen, but what makes you think Marketing hadn’t already thought of that?” I’m now scared until I see a slight glimmer in her eye. “Because they are playing it safe and they don’t see what we see. Whoever is responsible for designing this I think has done a good job; I know I would buy them.”

Jennifer smiles, “That’s what I hoped for when we hired you, Samantha. You and Sheila pick the right colors and fall tweeds and I’ll sign off for early production.”

My motive isn’t all nice and innocent, it’s to protect what I came up with. While I will continue to work on the ideas during the weekend, but I won’t be around to present them to Cassandra on Monday as I will be in New Haven. While Docherty has good credentials, he doesn’t come across to me as a team player. I like Sheila but she will be with us on the business trip.

I don’t mind a person who wants to climb higher, but I have a competitive streak that doesn’t like to be stepped on. I will send my stuff through Sheila during the weekend. And hopefully the three of us can connect sometime Sunday evening.

While it is a short work week I am ready to relax and unwind. A text message from Nika says she is coming to the city to see me but she won’t seek me out until tomorrow. I stop at a women’s shoppe just enough off of Fifth Avenue hoping I might be able to afford it. If I find what I want. I am looking for a silk peasant blouse and a full skirt to go with it. I haven’t seen what I am looking for and if I don’t find it I am of mind to design something. And then offer them up as my first designs to be offered up in the company. I am not sure which I want more; to find and wear it or to have the opportunity to design such an outfit.

On my way out of work, I see Darla coming to be with Jennifer and it reminds me that Carol is likely to be with Valerie tonight. My first Friday night in the Big Apple will likely be alone. I would rather not be alone all night but the only place I’d feel somewhat comfortable meeting someone would be Ferraro’s but that is a night out I can’t afford too often.

It is after six when I am in my hall opening my apartment door and Mary is coming out of the elevator. “Hi Mary, did you have a good day?”

“It is good that it’s over, I’m tired. I’m too tired to prepare something eat and too down to go and eat alone.”

“Well, what if we go and get something to eat together? You can pick the place?” I’m now leaning against my door ready to go in.

“Something special and not just down the street,” Mary offers to see if I’m serious? I nod ‘Yes’ and she asks, “What if I’m up to go dancing?”

“When you say dancing, do you mean us going to a dancing place together, or us dancing together?” I ask.

“I’ve never tried that but yes, I guess that is what I am asking,” Mary is whispering shyly? “I wouldn’t mind if some neat guys would ask to dance, but I’m tired of the jerks that usually ask.” Her statements are not flattering of what she thinks of me.

I am hugging my laptop when Mary responds; “Damn, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just I want it to be as friends since I’m not in the league of competing with Carol.” She quickly leans across the hall and gives me a short peck of a kiss; “There, I like you is that better.” She is half proud of herself but also worried.

“The idea of being friends and enjoying the evening is good. If it goes someplace great and if we’re just friends that will be good too.”

Mary pulls my door shut and pulls me over to her apartment, “Thanks, I know there are no promises it’s just nice that someone else is here.” Mary pulls me into her bedroom and is pulling out various outfits as she partially undresses. With her sweater and blouse off I see a more beautiful woman than has been showing off.

“Mary, can I ask a question without offending you? Why are you hiding how beautiful you are?”

She sniffles a little, “I’m not since I was ten my dad has said I am a ‘plain Jane’. Every time I think I’m pretty someone puts me back in my place.” She is now holding back tears and I feel a hurt that goes deeper than I can see. I had thought Mary is about my size but she should be wearing a full size smaller, may be more. I think of Macy’s and throw her top back at her.

“Mary put on you blouse and come with me.” Both apartments are soon locked and we’re out front waving down a taxi. It is atleast twelve blocks to Macy’s and Mary is wondering what I am up to. Like Carol says, ‘I am good at picking out what is nice for a woman.’

I turn down the help of a saleswoman while asking Mary if she’d be comfortable in a skirt. “I guess if it’s flattering, but…” I cut her off and ask about colors. The first outfit is a bright reddish orange skirt nicely fitting above her knees. A snug fitting blouse of multi colors over a white background and a loose crochet sweater to go over it. It should be something that hides little to nothing.

Mary tries to say “No,” but once in front of the mirror she acknowledges the outfit is gorgeous. “Mary it is not the outfit it’s you. Let’s try another one or two before we decide.” Mary picks out a tan skirt. I wouldn’t have picked it, but she is right; it will look very nice on her. I send Mary in with two tops for each. The size she should be wearing. This time the blouse hugs her mid section is low cut and loose fitting over the top. It will be great looking but needs a lace bra that will be barely out of sight.

I already have a simple designer jean and tank top for leisure. Mary tries talking us into bulkier jeans which I am sure she has plenty of, with a top to add to her others. “How do these jeans feel when you put them on?”

“They feel like I would want them, but they’re not me?” I ask, “How so?"

“If I wore these where I grew up, people would actually ask who I’m trying to be.”

I stand behind Mary as she is looking in the mirror; I didn’t mean to but I am kind of hugging her and ready to nibble her ear. “Who’s wearing this and looking so fox-like?” Her hands slide down her jeans and she can’t help but smile, “I guess it’s me… I do look good don’t I?” She’s ready to decide which of the three she’s going to buy but it’s a struggle.

The saleswoman is back over as Mary decides on of the first skirt and blouse and to buy the jeans outfit as well. I suggest she wear the jeans back to the apartment so the saleswoman cuts off the tags, to ring them up. I bring over the tan skirt outfit which I buy for Mary. On our way out we pass by the salon area and they are not at all busy. We stop and I ask a hair stylist “Is there something simple you could do for Mary’s hair?”

Tricia responds talking and showing how she would do it, “A quick cut could be done for tonight but she really should have it all done.” Mary turns and asks if we can take the time. Fifteen minutes later and Mary is walking out with a totally new look.

We are quickly at the apartments to get changed for the evening. I shower and put on a smart flattering outfit. It is simple yet I hope in Mary’s eyes it is flattering.

I text Carol asking for a place to dance that would be relatively safe. She quickly texts back a few names. We go to eat at Perez’s. Come evening the atmosphere and menu changes. Everyone who knows Mary is pleasantly surprised with her change. It is so good several don’t recognize her, she looks that well.

Neither of us is interested in eating much but the meal does energize us for the evening. I enjoy our time eating together and sipping wine. Mary is either naturally shy or intentionally being a coy little flirt, either way she is getting to me. We go to a dance lounge that true to Carol’s word is a good place for straights as well as lesbians and T people like me.

Because Mary is so relaxed and happy, I am guessing this is not new nor is she as shy as I thought. When we are up dancing and a slow song comes, it is Mary not me, who is leading. “Mary, if you and I are going to be good friends, you need to be upfront with whom you really are and give me space to grow in our friendship.”

She smiles, “Actually I would like us to be more than friends.” She gives me a soft kiss that is very nice but neither seductive nor domineering.

“That is possible but we need to be friends first and see where that takes us. You appear to be much more than the woman I’ve seen the past week.” She is sizing me wondering exactly what that means, which is fine with me. I would be more upset if she thought she already knows me.

The next time going to the dance floor she is asked to dance by a woman from Columbia University and I ask Marissa, a student in her third year at Fordham. I am happy when Mary says she wants to leave with her new friend. I am now interested in Marissa, but neither as a one night person nor anything too quick. We have an enjoyable night and agree that I will take her to dinner Tuesday evening.

Come morning I am up early eager to see my sister Nika, yet knowing I need to get some work done. I spread out composites of the various fashion lines for Fall Market. I pick two lines we are to target for special attention and two other lines to familiarize myself with. Most of the morning is filled with rough drawings and notes how to tweak one line.

I buzz in my sister from downstairs and organize what I’ve done to show her. As I am letting her in, I realize I have been working in my panties, bra and a white blouse. “Sam, I knew you said you’re spending time as Samantha. I can’t even see your boyhood.”

“You could at least have the decency to refer to it as my ‘manhood’.” Nika retorts, “I know I could have. It is intentional. I do like the Sister in front of me, but you need to get something on if we are going to get a bite to eat. I am starved.” It dawns on me I haven’t eaten either and I too am hungry.

Nika has been working a few years and comes into the city now and then so she knows direction and eating places better than I do. We get some spicy food at a Thai restaurant she knows in Hell’s Kitchen. On our way back, we stop at Kelsey’s and show her my office.

She is a bit jealous but we both know she doesn’t like the rat race of the city. She rather come and enjoy what she likes while working and living in a smaller city. She likes Passaic, far enough from our home as well as NYC; yet close enough for the benefits of each. She loves to retreat to upstate New York as a photographer and hobby artist.

She enjoys seeing me work back at my apartment and helps me to identify subtle differences in shades and tints of color. She gets us back out shopping by 2:30 less we get an aggravated sales person.

She has already obligated me to meet her guy friend Larry. She knew him before the wedding time but he wasn’t that significant then. She’s not so sure how significant he is now as she see herself being bisexual. Tonight however we are going to dinner with him. Dinner is just the three of us but we are to rendezvous with a friend come 9:30. Larry is amused how much like Nika I look.

It is quite the contrast to be out dancing and drinking with a guy tonight especially since Sis is generally attracted to guys a year or so younger than herself. Larry’s friend Hadley is a grad student at Pratt Institute working as an intern for the same company.

While I am not greatly attracted to Hadley, but I like as I did at the wedding to be with a man. It is not hard to tell his interest in me or at least my body. While I say I am not greatly attracted I willingly give him my number to call.

We, Nika and I, are back to my apartment just after midnight and stay up to three visiting. Nika and I are renewing our closeness as Sisters. “Samantha, it appears you are finally finding your identity and I think it probably fits you well. I just want to ask you to take your time and give Mom and Dad a chance to know you. I think Patti and our Aunt will be good allies in winning them over.”

Nika realizes I am not waiting till hell freezes over, and swears she will back me in being me. While I have an extra bed it is not much good and she shares my bed. “If this happens again I hope your own breasts have grown out by then so I can easier…” And with that she pinches a nipple until it hurts.

Come morning, Nika praises the good pastry of the city but warns me if I really like being an attractive woman I need to limit their intake as she does. She is soon on her way to see Larry before returning to her home. She shows me a picture of a friend Hannah who I am likely to meet when I visit in Passaic.

I spend three hours on work before calling Sheila, who I have received work from as well as sent mine to her. We are wise in doing so as Docherty has less than half the work of either of us and it's not that good. When we gather at 6:30 that evening. Not by accident Cassandra shows up at the start of our meeting. She likes the ideas that are being shared and while she doesn’t seem to have it in for men. It is not hard to see that Docherty doesn’t measure up in her eyes though he is the higher of us three associates by longevity.

“I am glad that you two will be along with Ms. Anderson tomorrow; hopefully you can confirm what I will be recommending so we can get atleast two lines approved for early production by Tuesday.”

“I am not sure what Jennifer will be asking of you two tomorrow. I want you, Samantha, not only to help where you can, but keep your eyes and ears open Jennifer is a fantastic person from whom to learn this business. She handpicked the two of you and you are gifted. But I don’t want you to be fooled into thinking you know what we are about.” I look around and realize Docherty has already left. While I can’t fault a person who is working Sunday evening, timelines and production schedules are known to be extra demanding in our profession as a norm.

As we head out Sheila confides in me, “They’re hoping you are good as expected. Don’t get a big head or sit back. If you can keep it up a few months maybe we can get rid of a piece of dead wood. See you early tomorrow; I will be in no later than 6:30 in the morning.”

To be Continued…