At last ‘A life’
By Julie D Cole
Chapter 47 Finding Dad .

As I looked across the restaurant towards the entrance I could see 3 people waiting to be seated and as the waiter escorted them to their table a man was standing at the desk and as he turned I immediately recognized him. It was dad.

I hadn’t seen him for more than 6 years on my twenty first birthday but he had hardly changed. Unlike me I suppose so I was unsure what to do. What a place to meet and how much did he know about my life or my circumstances.

I felt like my legs were lead as I stood up and tried to move.

By now he was looking directly at me and it was obvious he knew as he smiled. I walked towards him and he looked me up and down and shook his head slightly.

As I walked towards him it felt like the whole restaurant was watching us and it was like slow motion. He put his arms around me and I wanted to hug him tightly but I didn’t know how to react. This was dad and surely of all the people in my life he’d me the one to be ashamed of me. I couldn’t speak. I felt tears in my eyes and then I managed to utter ‘Hi dad.’

He just said ‘Hi Chris it’s so good to see you at last.I didn’t know what to expect. You look good. What a change.’

We hugged for ages before he let me go and he looked me in the eyes and said ‘ I can see we have a lot of catching up to do. Are you OK?’

I said ‘Yes dad I’m fine but I feel a bit ashamed of myself to meet you like this and not to have spoken to you for so long.’

‘Yes it’s been a long time and I’ve missed you and your mum. Let’s find a quiet corner away from the reception that is a bit less public.’

We sat in the small bar/coffee area so Kate would find us on her return. I didn’t know if I could have met dad and talked to him as Chris, or if my change to Chrissy had made me more mellow and more understanding of his situation.

I did feel much different and a lot more confident in myself but at the same time I had self doubts and felt guilty sometimes because of prejudices against people who are different. I hate misleading kind people who have accepted me as Chrissy and didn’t know my past.

I guess Dad sensed my nervousness as he ordered a large Americano coffee forhimself and a cappuccino for me. “I rember you like this.’

He looked at me and sat forward in his chair. ‘Chris, or is it Christine you prefer, I’m very pleased to meet you and I’m relieved that you didn’t run away or ignore me.’

‘Dad it’s Chrissy if you like but you can still call me Chris, whatever you like.I’m still me’

‘Chris, I will still call you Chris because I see in your eyes you are just the same, I didn’t come here for any other reason except to talk to you because you hated me for leaving mum and wouldn’t answer any of my calls or my letters.’

‘I know I felt that you hurt mum and she was so sad so I had to support her. You seemed to have found someone else and chose a new life away from us. Surely you know it turned our lives upside down and it took mum ages to face her friends because of the gossip.’

‘Look Chris mum and I knew that there was no easy solution and I didn’t leave because of Heather, our relationship only developed afterwards.’

‘Then why did you leave?’

‘It is a long story that concerns something that happened many years ago that should have been forgotten but it couldn’t be.’

‘But why should that cause you to leave, Julie and I know that you had arguments sometimes but everybody has arguments, it’s life?

‘Chris, we had differences of opinion and small arguments like any other married couple but there was still bitterness surrounding us that caused me finally to up and leave because I’d had enough.’ I had wanted your mum to emigrate to Australia with me many years ago when you and Julie were still young but she wouldn’t.’ ‘She always said she needed to stay close to her mum to look after her.’

‘Dad, was your argument related to family business or another woman in your life?’

‘I never had affairs and only loved one other woman in my life that was before I was married. It was something that happened that wouldn’t go away despite all my efforts to bury it.’ “I think your mum would have buried it with me if she’d not been influenced by others.’

‘Dad was it anything to do with me or that I was Aunt Judiths child and was saved and she died?’

‘Who has told you this? Your mum or your grandmother?’

‘It’s a little bit of both. It happened when both of them saw me dressed like this. It just seemed to come out like water gushing out of a tank when a valve was opened.’

He squeezed my hand and I looked deep into his eyes. He wanted to tell me something but then he looked downwards towards his feet.’

‘Dad please tell me whatever you want, I know something but not from your point of view, only what came out of the tap and now look what happened because of the frustration and tension, Gran had a stroke.’

‘Chris I don’t have time to tell you everything in this meeting but I do want to come and see your mum and to talk to her so that we can talk together. We need to sit and talk and be open with each other. Life is too short and I want to see you and Julie as often as I can and all this stupidity has gone on far too long.’

“Dad, that’s not fair since you’ve come this far and here I am, here we are, don’t you want to tell me why you left home and why your life was turned upside down. I’ve hated you, well I’ve tried for mums sake and now I don’t know what to think and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve felt like I had no life for years after you left. I loved you and you left me.’

‘Don’t cry Chris please.’

‘Look when you were born I looked at you and I looked at you in a special care incubator knowing that you’d been saved. We’d lost your real mum and it wasn’t a choice by anybody. You were the living breathing part of her and not the cause of her death. She died of her chest injuries and somehow you survived. As I looked at you I promised her that I would love you forever and never forget her..’ Your mum and I then sat and talked even though she was heart broken. We agreed to raise you as our child and we adopted you.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’

‘Many times we were going to sit and talk with you but each time your mum couldn’t face it. She said it was the upset of recalling Aunt Judiths accident and the effect it might have on her mum who couldn’t forgive me.’

Why dad?’

‘Because before the accident I’d had a short affair with Judith after she argued with Darren Harper and I was engaged to your mum at the time. Judith was going to be the bridesmaid and as she was being fitted for her dress it came out that she was pregnant.’ Her mum realized first before Jen found out.’

“Chris I would rather leave this conversation for now and meet your mum and then talk more. Please help me to persuade her to meet.’

‘Dad I’m hurting now and I want to know. Please why did you register yourself as my father and adopt me?’

‘Chris because you looked so fragile. I loved Judith just like I loved your mum. Judith was a most beautiful and soft person, so full of fun. She’d been mixed up in an affair with Darren and then the situation became more complex because of me.’ ‘ I just took the responsibility there and then as we lost her and you needed care and love that she deserved.’

‘But dad these aren’t enough reasons to me, there must be more.’

‘Hi Chrissy I wondered where you were, Am I interrupting?’ ‘Sorry’

To be continued…..