Why Big Closet

By

Jacquimac

Let me start by telling you about myself.

I was born in a small town not far from Glasgow in 1953, my parents were from large families of different religions.
My parents met at a dance a couple of years earlier and started seeing each other a lot, as happens my mother ended up getting pregnant with me as the result. Oh they got married a couple of months before turned up, due to there not being a lot of industry in the area and my father being a moulder in the local foundry which closed down, I was left with my mothers family so they could move to England to find a home and work.

A few weeks after they moved to England I caught double pneumonia and wasn`t expected to survive I was baptised and given the last rites at the same service. Unfortunately I survived and when I was about 6yrs old was taken to England to rejoin parents I didn`t know except from photographs. On joining my family I found I had a sister and brother who were the pride and joy of my parents and would cause a lot of trouble for me. My childhood was pretty rough as I never had any friends and because of my small size, build and the fact I wore spectacles I was bullied a lot.

My siblings could never do anything wrong and even if they did I was the one that got punished even if I wasn`t there if something happened. My parents were towards me very violent and always made feel unwelcome and unwanted, many a time I was sent school with the marks of a recent beating showing and sometimes bleeding, but no one cared. At school I excelled in the academic subject but was lacking when it came to sport or crafts, it didn`t matter how clever I was sports and crafts were pretty bad for me and if you didn`t play soccer, rugby or cricket as a boy you suffered. Broken limbs became a way of life for me for about 2 years especially in rugby which is a pretty brutal sport anyway. Because the powers that be stated that all children had to participate in sports meant that I didn`t have an option. It was eventually decided that because I couldn`t play sport with the boys I should play with the girls, they only 2 sports hockey and netball. Hockey was out because I would have the same problem I did playing cricket. a small leather ball which I could never see when it moving. So I ended up learning to play netball, it was further decided that I should dress the same way as the rest of the netball squad, white top and navy blue flannel knickers that all schoolgirls wore in those days, I actually made the school netball team.

This led to me being humiliated by everyone, the teachers, pupils and even my family started calling the little queer, oh yes the joys of childhood, this was further followed by the fact we had dancing lessons. There were 2 boys more in our class there were girls and yes, I ended being the girl in dancing and even had to wear a dress. My mother really loved humiliating me when she took me shopping to by a couple of dresses, she made sure everyone knew they were for her queer son.

I left school at 15 and ended up as an apprentice engineer for a small local engineering company and it wasn`t long before my parents told evryone that I wore dresses and played netbalt at school so the ridiculing started all over again. This lasted almost 2 years until one of the men physicaly attacked me and I was asked to leave, I was a couple of weeks from my 17th birthday although it wasn`t anything special just another days of the year for me. I had never been allowed to celebrate birthdays, christmas or any other occasion the family celebrated. My father decided I would join the army "To make man out of you" as he always stated, so on my 17 birthday I travelled to the training camp.

I served a total of 23 years in the army, taking part in several conflicts, N.Ireland, Falklands, Bosnia, Kosovo and Desertstorm.
I left in 1993 and as I had completed the full term now recieved a pension. Occasionally I went home for a short visit but not very often.
As well as recieving a pension I was also given a lump sum of a few thousand pounds. I found out that my parents were badly in need of a lot of money to pay of debts, yes I gave them the money which left me broke.

I had always known I was different from most people but hadn`t known why until I was overseas in the army,unfortunately sexual deviancy of any form was a jailable offence. it took a lot of research until I found out I transexual, I tried to explain this to my family but as usual they didn`t listen, so I tried to get work and found it difficult.
Eventually everything fell into place for me and I started to save some money, trouble was everytime i got within reach of the amount needed the family needed financial help. I had always been taught that Family comes first and time and again I gave them my money.

My younger brother and parents are now dead, I don`t have any contact with any of the remaining family as they don`t want to know me.

As for me I live alone except for my 2 dogs, am unemployed and still have no friends, I no longer socialise because of costs and am sick of constant harrasment I continually get. The only time I go out is for shopping or to walk the dogs or to visit the doctors for my prescription.

I found BigCloset when I browsing through the internet and have enjoyed it immensly , the Humour, Sadness, the utter Despair of some characters, but mostly because it make me think and ask questions, Is there a God? Why are people so afraid of those of us that are different? but most of all is life worth living ?
I feel that humanity is a lost cause and eventually will wipe itself out, will humanity be missed ?, I think not, people for the most part are so wrapped with themselves they fail to see what is happening around them.
One line in the Lords Prayer really stands out "AND DELIVER US FROM EVIL" to me the greatest evil in the world is Religion itself, it`s been so manipulated over the centuries, that the so holy books are full of contradictions.

Although I have enjoyed BigCloset I have posted a couple things, some people may or maynot like them,they`re pretty amaturish I know but I do feel the misery of Transgenderism is important.