Why BigCloset

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Why Big Closet

By

Jacquimac

Let me start by telling you about myself.

I was born in a small town not far from Glasgow in 1953, my parents were from large families of different religions.
My parents met at a dance a couple of years earlier and started seeing each other a lot, as happens my mother ended up getting pregnant with me as the result. Oh they got married a couple of months before turned up, due to there not being a lot of industry in the area and my father being a moulder in the local foundry which closed down, I was left with my mothers family so they could move to England to find a home and work.

A few weeks after they moved to England I caught double pneumonia and wasn`t expected to survive I was baptised and given the last rites at the same service. Unfortunately I survived and when I was about 6yrs old was taken to England to rejoin parents I didn`t know except from photographs. On joining my family I found I had a sister and brother who were the pride and joy of my parents and would cause a lot of trouble for me. My childhood was pretty rough as I never had any friends and because of my small size, build and the fact I wore spectacles I was bullied a lot.

My siblings could never do anything wrong and even if they did I was the one that got punished even if I wasn`t there if something happened. My parents were towards me very violent and always made feel unwelcome and unwanted, many a time I was sent school with the marks of a recent beating showing and sometimes bleeding, but no one cared. At school I excelled in the academic subject but was lacking when it came to sport or crafts, it didn`t matter how clever I was sports and crafts were pretty bad for me and if you didn`t play soccer, rugby or cricket as a boy you suffered. Broken limbs became a way of life for me for about 2 years especially in rugby which is a pretty brutal sport anyway. Because the powers that be stated that all children had to participate in sports meant that I didn`t have an option. It was eventually decided that because I couldn`t play sport with the boys I should play with the girls, they only 2 sports hockey and netball. Hockey was out because I would have the same problem I did playing cricket. a small leather ball which I could never see when it moving. So I ended up learning to play netball, it was further decided that I should dress the same way as the rest of the netball squad, white top and navy blue flannel knickers that all schoolgirls wore in those days, I actually made the school netball team.

This led to me being humiliated by everyone, the teachers, pupils and even my family started calling the little queer, oh yes the joys of childhood, this was further followed by the fact we had dancing lessons. There were 2 boys more in our class there were girls and yes, I ended being the girl in dancing and even had to wear a dress. My mother really loved humiliating me when she took me shopping to by a couple of dresses, she made sure everyone knew they were for her queer son.

I left school at 15 and ended up as an apprentice engineer for a small local engineering company and it wasn`t long before my parents told evryone that I wore dresses and played netbalt at school so the ridiculing started all over again. This lasted almost 2 years until one of the men physicaly attacked me and I was asked to leave, I was a couple of weeks from my 17th birthday although it wasn`t anything special just another days of the year for me. I had never been allowed to celebrate birthdays, christmas or any other occasion the family celebrated. My father decided I would join the army "To make man out of you" as he always stated, so on my 17 birthday I travelled to the training camp.

I served a total of 23 years in the army, taking part in several conflicts, N.Ireland, Falklands, Bosnia, Kosovo and Desertstorm.
I left in 1993 and as I had completed the full term now recieved a pension. Occasionally I went home for a short visit but not very often.
As well as recieving a pension I was also given a lump sum of a few thousand pounds. I found out that my parents were badly in need of a lot of money to pay of debts, yes I gave them the money which left me broke.

I had always known I was different from most people but hadn`t known why until I was overseas in the army,unfortunately sexual deviancy of any form was a jailable offence. it took a lot of research until I found out I transexual, I tried to explain this to my family but as usual they didn`t listen, so I tried to get work and found it difficult.
Eventually everything fell into place for me and I started to save some money, trouble was everytime i got within reach of the amount needed the family needed financial help. I had always been taught that Family comes first and time and again I gave them my money.

My younger brother and parents are now dead, I don`t have any contact with any of the remaining family as they don`t want to know me.

As for me I live alone except for my 2 dogs, am unemployed and still have no friends, I no longer socialise because of costs and am sick of constant harrasment I continually get. The only time I go out is for shopping or to walk the dogs or to visit the doctors for my prescription.

I found BigCloset when I browsing through the internet and have enjoyed it immensly , the Humour, Sadness, the utter Despair of some characters, but mostly because it make me think and ask questions, Is there a God? Why are people so afraid of those of us that are different? but most of all is life worth living ?
I feel that humanity is a lost cause and eventually will wipe itself out, will humanity be missed ?, I think not, people for the most part are so wrapped with themselves they fail to see what is happening around them.
One line in the Lords Prayer really stands out "AND DELIVER US FROM EVIL" to me the greatest evil in the world is Religion itself, it`s been so manipulated over the centuries, that the so holy books are full of contradictions.

Although I have enjoyed BigCloset I have posted a couple things, some people may or maynot like them,they`re pretty amaturish I know but I do feel the misery of Transgenderism is important.

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Comments

Why BigCloset

Jacquimac, A lady who I Love and Cherish went through much that you did http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14291/tragedy-spirit-revised And the author Jill Micayla is a Vetearn much like you. So, I will NEVER make fun, nor hurt you.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

I'm sorry to hear

Angharad's picture

that your family were so uncaring and your loyalty to them is touching, sadly it wasn't returned. I'm also saddened to hear that you're avoiding social contact and unemployed. I hope that BCTS and its members can help to give you some friendship, even if it is over the internet. Are there no TV/TS groups near you?

If mine or other author's stories offer you a modicum of comfort then they've achieved a major objective. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Hugs,

Angharad

Angharad

Even after death they are sill screwing you over

You should never have given those bastar*s the money.

That would not have been *being mean or unchristian*, that would be being logical and sane. They abused you and never made amends. Family, REAL family don't abuse each other. They were never your family. They other family member, the GOOD, PERFECT ones should have helped them, not you.

As to the other family members, the survivors who choose not to see you, F them.

I sure hope they got nothing of your parents estate but given their finacial woes I doubt there was much and I doubt the ingrates would leave you anything.

Sorry to sound so bitter but you did not deserve this and they do not deserve your love or pitty. Your story pushed a carload of my emotional *buttons*.

Do what you can to salvage the wreck they made of your life. I am so sorry for you. Please find some happiness/satisfaction in your life.

DO feel free to use your past in stories/blogs/esays here. Catharsis does work.

John in Wauwatosa

P.S. Family comes first ONLY applies to family, not these scum. YOU never came first so why help them. Sorry to sound judgemental but being a good person does not mean being a patsy. Tough love has it's merits and the best these *people* ever deserved in respect from you was/is tough love. I bet if you ever had or will ask for financial help they will gladly spit in your face and laugh.

Don't let them hurt you any more and DO get help. I suspect some here at BC have knowledge about support groups for vets and LGBT in Britain.

John in Wauwatosa

you've had a hard life, no question

as have many here. But there is also hope, and love, and true friendships as well. Hugs.

Dorothycolleen

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Here's one of my favourite poems:

"Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man."
-Joseph Merrick-

------------
"Die Gedanken sind frei / Sie fliegen vorbei
Kein Mensch kann sie wissen / Kein Jäger sie schießen
Mit Kugeln und Blei / Die Gedanken sind frei"

Sad that we don't get to live our lives for us

I totally understand the awful situation that family can place you in when they aren't able to cope without your financial help but give nothing back when you need it.
My father helped his family out until eventually it broke the family and we were left isolated 'because we were mean' Dad had worked to earn the money yet the other parts of his family thought they were entitled to some of it.

Eventually dad succumbed to doing the same thing with his kids to a certain extent - I left and joined the Royal Navy to get away from that influence and never lived under the 'umbrella' of the family influence.

Since my transition, I am in contact with and visit my family on a three yearly basis as I live in Australia and they live in UK.

But as you say, it's not easy.
You have my empathy

if you need to reach me

as another astranged from biological ties because of transgenderism and also memories of abuse i can sympathise with this.

Sister you are not alone I am in the UK if at any time you need a shoulder or an ear please mail me via BC and I will send you my phone numbers and personal email. Even if you just need to chat, no one this day and age should feel isolated when there are caring souls out there who ask for naught but a kindly word

to you Sister in faith in the Goddess and the muses

to hug is to be and to be is to be hugged

view the world through the eyes of a child and relearn the wonder and love

Allie elle loved and cared for and resident of the kids camp full time

to hug is to be and to be is to be hugged

view the world through the eyes of a child and relearn the wonder and love

Allie elle loved and cared for and resident of the kids camp full time

were in the same boat

i guess i can relate. im 19 years old and 2 years ago i joined the minnesota army national guard. its not until in the last 6 months ive relized that im thansgendered, bigcloset is really my only refuge at this point, and i completely agree that transgenderism is very depressing. ESPECALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO REMAIN A MALE!!!! but on the bright side i really do enjoy being a combat engineer so thats a plus.

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Why Big Closet

Jaquimac, you are quite the huge hearted person! Even after all that suffering from others and your parents you still gave them the needed money so they could survive!? In some respects I feel that they did not deserve the help but I think I would have done the same as your self. Family does come first indeed even though they are or were cruel! Family is family after all and forgiveness is divine not that I am any more religious than your self as I totally agree that the Bible has been screwed up for hundreds if not thousands of years in order to give certain people control over others so they could and still can be manipulated! That is my feelings towards our so called religion!

I am not much younger than your self and wish we could one day meet in person as I feel that we in a few ways see eye to eye on things and must have the same hearts or what ever.

I live in the U.S so it is probably not possible to meet what with the costs of traveling but that's ok. Life is what it is I suppose?

Not being out to socialize is often times harmful I think and I believe that you should at least get out once in a while. I speak from experience after having lived as a Hermit of sorts for a few years. I quite nearly forgot how to talk to people and choked a few hundred times trying to get words out which taught me a lesson. Get out now and then so I don't forget how to speak lol! I had lived high up in the mountains of Washington State for a few years totally alone other than with my dog Rocky who was totally loyal to me thankfully and not judgemental like so many humans are.

People are what they are. It only takes on person to mess up a whole world! One person says something stupid and others often times are too afraid to speak up against another to make something right! Soooo, we end up with a world full of fools who are either too stupid to speak their true minds and feelings which causes more chaos and mayhem!

Being Trans Sexual myself I defended another Trans person in my middle years of schooling against a small gang of idiots. One against a dozen is not good odds but I buffaloed the so called leader so the gang left. The person I defended told me I should not hang around him/her and ran off so I never seen him again. I have a feeling he went off to commit suicide but I don't really know and had no idea then.

Would I do that now? Damn right I would and I do! Closed minded people have no business interfering as far as I am concerned! No business speaking against something they have no understanding of! Fortunately I have gained respect in the area that I live in in Oregon! I think that being an In Home Care Giver helped me glean that respect as my mother was my first client as she was dying of cancer and sadly passed away two years ago.

I am fortunate, I met a nice man who is completely opened minded and is helping me with my transitioning as I also gave out lots of money to help others which was foolish of me as I learned that unless I help myself first I cannot truly help others! What you did though was for family so that is completely understandable I think.

I think though that you should get out now and then at least for short periods so you don't lose your sanity.

Demand respect, earn it and live is what I say. Other wise life is miserable for us. It's tough enough as it is!

Get out and live honey!

Hugs

Vivien