A silly idea came to me (and turned into this nonsense within an hour) - what if a blackmailer hadn't done his research and what he assumes is the target's devastating secret isn't (exactly)(much of) a secret...

Brrring! Brrring!

Trust the phone to interrupt a nice, pleasant evening en-femme with my best friend, Sally.

"Hello? 864579."

A deep male voice replied, "I know your dirty little secret."

I raised my eyebrows. "And what might that be?"

"You pervert - prancing around in women's clothes - as if that will make you a woman!"

I rolled my eyes and gestured to Sally to pick up the extension in the other room.

"So what?"

"You wouldn't want your precious little 'girlfriend' to find out, would you?"

For the benefit of Sally, now listening in, I responded "Find out what?"

"That you spend your evenings and weekends pretending to be a woman."

I rolled my eyes again, this guy evidently hasn't studied Blackmail 101, but decided to play along.

"And how might she find out?"

"I have pictures. And videos."

"So?"

"Do I have to spell things out?!"

"I guess so."

In reality, I was enjoying playing along, just waiting for the opportune time to give the nod to Sally. Besides which, although he was obviously disguising his voice, it still sounded vaguely familiar. And I was also curious how he'd connected me to the man I pretended to be during the daytime. I thought I did a relatively good job with the padding, make-up and wig.

"If you don't do exactly what I say, I will personally ensure Sally receives those photographs and the DVD."

"How do you know it's me?"

"Who else would drive a rust bucket like yours?"

"How do you know I didn't lend the keys to someone?"

"Well, err...um... she didn't adjust the seat, she had big feet - there's no way it could have been anyone but you!"

So, busted by my car. OK, it's small and getting on a bit, but it's hardly a rust bucket! Hang on though... that phrase seems familiar... if only I could place it...

"Spend a lot of time examining women's feet, do you? How do I know you're not a crossdresser?"

"You filthy perverts! You're a desecration of the natural order!"

I held the handset away from my ear while he continued his rant. I smiled - I now knew exactly who Mr. Incompetent Blackmailer was. When he eventually finished, I decided it was time to put him out of his misery.

"OK, OK, I'll confess! I do wear women's clothes - but that's because I am a woman."

"Oh no you're not!"

"So, my body doesn't match my mind. But I've got some advice for you."

"This oughta be rich..."

"Yes, Grant Mitchell Toogood. You make a hopeless blackmailer. For a start, it helps to do your research..."

I nodded towards Sally, who piped up "I've known about Julie for the past three months - and you know what? I'm fine with it!"

I was glad she hadn't added something to the effect of "Screw You!" to the end, but thought I'd have a little more fun with him, so added "Oh, and Grant - next time you decide to blackmail someone, hire someone else to make the call. You may have disguised your voice, but spouting that quasi-religious mumbo jumbo gave you off a mile away. Good night - sweet dreams!"

As I hung up, Sally asked "Are you sure you'll be OK going to work in the morning?"

"Sure - he wouldn't dare try anything at work - he's had long enough - besides which, the car park's covered by CCTV."

"But what if he tells them?"

"He's not the most technically literate, and if, as he claims, he's got photos of me getting in / out of my car, that would raise more questions at work about him than me."

I thought for a minute.

"I could always pre-empt him..."

"What do you mean?"

"I've got a day's annual leave coming up. If we arranged a pub lunch for the team on that day, I could join them..."

"Eh?"

"It's unlikely Grant would show himself up in front of them, but if they twigged I'd tell them."

"You wha- you mean you'll go as Julie and see if they recognise you?"

"Why not?"

Sure, it was a risk - especially as I wasn't intended to start RLT until the next financial year - but I had a gut feeling Grant was the only bigot on the team, and the rest would probably at the very least tolerate me until they realised I was the same person underneath. Besides which, I had Sally at my side - and she was worth more than a hundred Grants.

Fancy a bit of fun? Imagine that Grant is still both utterly clueless about blackmail and incredibly persistent. Try speculating on possible future blackmail attempts, and how Julie deflects them (preferably while allowing Grant to dig himself a bigger hole in the process...) In fact, before this idea ballooned to over 950 words, I originally intended it to be an 'add a bit' story...