I awoke early for my first day of classes, a nervous bundle of energy in the general shape of a young woman. While a good portion of that nervous energy was due to excitement about starting classes and meeting new people, the whole meeting new people thing was terrifying in a way as well. I seemed to do well when I met Jamie and the other girls, and I had even managed to get more comfortable with them as we spent a good portion of Labour Day together, hanging out and getting to know one another, but I had had another constant companion as well, anxiety.

As much as I liked them and could see us becoming friends, I was terrified almost every time I spoke or interacted with them, terrified of my social inexperience causing problems. I worried about saying the wrong thing and offending or hurting someone, making some humiliating social blunder, not knowing something that I should, or giving off the wrong kind of signals. A barrage of worst-case scenarios bombarded my mind with every word or action that I made until my heart raced, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I was going to explode.

As a result, I spent a lot of our time together not saying much and just enjoying the company, and they seemed to understand why. At least I wasn’t alone since Jenn seemed to be just as socially anxious and even more shy than I was with our new friends. They all seemed to believe that we were both just shy and inexperienced, and wanted to help us break out of our shells so we could be more social. I don’t think that any of them, except perhaps Erin, suspected just how anxious I was with them during those first couple of days, though.

That was only five people, and there were thousands out there to interact with on campus, people who might not be so understanding. I took a deep breath and climbed out from beneath my covers as I told myself, “It’s just first-day jitters. Completely understandable with my lack of social experience with people my own age.”

Once I had managed to calm down somewhat, I grabbed my basket of shower supplies and headed for our floor’s shared bathroom to prepare for my day. Thank goodness they had private shower stalls in there because showering with people that I didn’t know seemed awkward to me. For some reason, just the thought of being naked in front of other girls I had met on my floor, or seeing them naked, made me blush as a warmth arose within me.

It wasn’t like I was ashamed of my body. I knew, objectively, that I was actually quite pretty and in very good shape from yoga and working out, and I almost wanted the other girls to look at me for some reason that escaped me. Was that normal? Was it normal to have to tear my eyes away from other girls in various states of undress so that my gaze would not linger too long?

Yeah, I did not think I was ready for group showers, and even just stepping out of my shower stall to dry off and quickly putting my bathrobe on required a titanic effort to keep my eyes to myself as I finished my morning routine. I made myself hurry, lest I give in to that strange urge to look. Was I really so socially starved that I found myself curious about what other girls looked like? It didn’t feel like curiosity to me, it was almost a need or desire that I couldn’t quite understand.

I tried to put it out of my mind and keep my eyes to myself as I headed back to my dorm room and wondered just what was coming over me. I told myself that I would get over it, that it was just because of the new situation and not being used to being around so many people. It wasn’t my first time feeling these things since leaving home after all.

My eyes had been drawn toward one of my new friends, too. Since we met and started hanging out during dinner that first night, I found my eyes sometimes wandering toward Kendra. She was tall, athletic, and pretty with gorgeous red hair. At first, I thought it might be because she was just that striking, and such an energetic and extroverted person that she just naturally drew attention, but while that might be part of it, I didn’t notice the other girls sneaking glances at her like I was.

During those first few days of classes, I was basically an anxious mess as I settled into my new routine, tried to get used to socializing with people in class and other situations, and explored my new friendships. Despite how my eyes seemed to be drawn to Kendra, and having Jamie as a roommate, it was Erin that I connected to the most over the next couple of weeks as I found my stride. We had a few classes together, hung out and studied together, and had a lot of fun in each other’s company. It was like we were on the same wavelength, and we quickly became best friends.

It was spending so much with her that made me come to a life-changing realization about myself. We were chilling out in her room and studying while her roommate, Jenn, was at the library when I found myself glancing in Erin’s direction and wondering why my eyes weren’t drawn to her like they were to Kendra, or several other girls that I had met on campus. She was fast becoming my best friend, so shouldn’t she be drawing my attention more than some pretty co-ed I barely knew during biology class?

“Maybe she’s just not my type,” I thought, trying to dismiss it. I almost ignored that seemingly casual thought for an instant before it circled back and hit me like a speeding semi-truck. That one thought, and the realization that came on its heels, changed everything, and I began having trouble breathing as I was thrown headlong into an anxiety attack.

I had a type, and that type seemed to be a type of girl. As I struggled for air and tightly gripped my biology book with trembling hands, I tore through my memories and tried to find anything that would discount the monumental truth I now faced. And it was the truth, I could feel it in my bones that the realization I had come to was an incontrovertible part of who I was.

Still, I frantically searched my memories for something that might prove this wrong, that I wasn’t… gay. I wasn’t sure if it was fortunate or unfortunate that my experience with people my own age was so limited. I mostly only had the first couple of weeks at school to work with. I knew now that there were girls, like Kendra, that I had been attracted to, but were there any guys? As I went over the past few weeks in my mind, I became increasingly distressed as not a single guy stood out in my mind.

I knew that there were some guys I met who were objectively handsome or cute, but none of them had caught my interest or made me feel warm inside like certain girls did. Just the memory of Kendra in that low-cut top she wore at lunch today was getting me aroused, and I was now fairly certain that the feeling was arousal, but I couldn’t dredge up any memories of guys that made me feel that way. Even trying to think of guys that way had the opposite effect; it was a complete turn-off.

My music tutor was very attractive, but I couldn’t remember being attracted to him or having any sort of schoolgirl crush. No, I found my yoga teacher much more fascinating. She was in her twenties and very fit, and the mere memory of some of the positions she taught me probably would have had me very hot under the collar if I wasn’t struggling for air from what seemed to be the final nail in the coffin of my non-existent heterosexuality.

“…aven… Come on, Raven, snap out of it!” Oh, hey, I knew that voice. That was Erin. Weren’t we doing something together before my existential crisis? It must have been important because she sounded really insistent, and in some far-off corner of my mind, I could feel her squeezing my hand tighter and tighter as her voice grew more concerned. “Slow, deep breaths, Raven. Come on, you can do it, come back to me.”

Oh yeah, I was hyperventilating and shaking, that was probably what was concerning her, and now that I was aware of that again, and not stuck in my head, I realized that my face and certain other parts of my body were starting to get kind of tingly. I guess I should try to breathe like she said.

Closing my eyes, I took one long, slow, deep inhale and then held it for a moment before exhaling again. Then I took another, followed by a third, and kept going, carefully controlling my breathing until I got back into a normal rhythm and no longer felt like I was starving for air. Then, I could breathe again. I was still freaking out on the inside, but I was breathing, and I was showing no outside signs that there was anything to worry about anymore. So, the awkward moment should be over, right?

Wrong. When I opened my eyes, I saw Erin kneeling in front of me with a very worried look on her face. She held both of my hands in hers, and that awkward moment was now replaced with a brief awkward silence before Erin decided to fill it with words. “Okay, Raven, are you going to tell me what the hell that was about?”

My eyes left her worried visage and darted around searching for something, anything, that might explain what just happened. The only thing they found was my biology textbook, which was now lying closed on the floor. “Biology test anxiety?” I tried hopefully.

“I’m in your biology class, Raven, and we don’t have any tests coming up,” she replied, a mix of concern and disappointment coloring both her tone and her face now. Oh, right. I really needed to stop internally freaking out about this and actually think, because she was sitting right beside me for that entire episode of Gay Panic: The Raven DeMarco Edition and I was pretty sure that she wasn’t going to accept another flimsy excuse like that last one.

I couldn’t tell her what that was really about, could I? Just the thought of that had me freezing up and starting to panic again, and I had to carefully control my breathing as I thought about how to handle this. My social experience was limited, and I had only known Erin for less than three weeks, so I had absolutely no clue how she would react if I told her the truth. I had no idea how our other friends would react either, and that scared me.

I was just starting to get used to being in school and talking to people without worrying about making some epic social blunder. I had friends for the first time in my life. The last thing that I wanted was to lose them because of this new wrinkle in my life. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want this, and as much as I wanted to be honest with my best friend, I was terrified of what consequences that might bring.

“I…” The words wouldn’t come to me, I couldn’t think of anything that might explain the freak out I just had, and the truth died on my tongue before it could make its way past my quivering lips. Shit, I was shaking again, and with the way she was watching me, I was pretty sure she’d noticed that.

Somehow, I had managed to forget that she was still holding my hands until she gave them a gentle squeeze. “Raven, that was a full-blown panic attack, and, as your friend, I’m very worried about you right now. Please, tell me what’s going on with you. I promise, whatever it is, I’ll try not to freak out.”

The look on her face was so concerned and so earnest that any thoughts I had of coming up with some other excuse died there and then. She was my friend, and she was worried, so maybe I owed her the truth. If she really was my friend, then maybe she would understand and accept this part of me, and if she wasn’t, wouldn’t it be better to know now before I got too invested? Either way, I didn’t want our friendship to be based on lies.

“I…” the words once again caught in my throat, but this time I took a deep breath to steel myself and then forced them out anyway. When the words came, they gushed from between my lips in a nervous torrent.

“I think I might be gay. I don’t really have much experience, but I think I’ve been feeling attracted to some of the girls on campus. At first, I just thought I found them interesting because they were catching my attention, but then I wondered why you weren’t grabbing my attention like that and thought that maybe you weren’t my type, and then I realized I had a type, and that type was girls, and it’s really freaking me out because I’m scared of losing my friends and I don’t know how to lesbian. I don’t even like wearing flannel!” By the time I was finished, I needed air badly, my voice had gone up an octave or two in desperation and panic, and I was staring at her wide-eyed as I awaited her rejection.

“Whoa, okay, that’s a lot. Breathe, Raven, it’ll be okay, and I’ve totally got your back,” she said, trying to keep her voice calm and steady as she gave my hands another reassuring squeeze. “So, you’re maybe a lesbian, it’s not a big deal, at least it isn’t to me. It doesn’t change who you are, and that’s the person I want to be friends with; it doesn’t matter to me who revs your engine so long as you’re not expecting me to give you a tune-up. I’m afraid I’m straight, but I think you said I’m not your type, right?”

I was non-verbal again, feeling like I was going to just melt into Erin’s bed in sheer relief from her easy acceptance of something I was having trouble accepting about myself. Since I couldn’t answer in any meaningful way to respond to her question, I just rapidly shook my head. For some reason, she looked perplexed at that quick response.

“Wait, not even a little?” she asked. Another rapid headshake from me had her laughing. “Well, I’m not sure whether I should be happy we’ll be spared that awkwardness or insulted that you’re not into me. I’m all kinds of sexy. See?” She let go of my hands and stood up to start making the most overly exaggerated ‘sexy’ poses and expressions I had ever seen someone try to make in my limited experience.

Just like that, all the tension that I was feeling since I made my profound realization dissolved, and I couldn’t help but laugh at her antics. After we both recovered from the fit of giggles that followed her performance, I asked hesitantly, not sure whether to believe it yet, “So… umm… are we cool then? I mean, our relationship… nonono, not that kind of relationship, but the being friends thing!”

Erin sat up from the bed beside me, where she had collapsed earlier during her fit of giggles, and put her arm around my shoulders to pull me close. “Calm down, Raven. We’re cool, very cool, and I still want you to be my bestie. Especially now that I know you won’t try to steal my boyfriends.” The last was said in a teasing tone as she hugged me tight, and then she asked, “Are you gonna be okay now?”

As she held me there, I released the breath I had been holding and deflated in her embrace. “Yeah, I guess so. I think I have to figure myself out, though. This is kinda big, and I’m not even sure who I am right now. Thanks for being cool with it, Erin.”

She just squeezed me tighter and pulled me closer into her friendly embrace. “Hey, what kind of bestie would I be if I didn’t have your back? I mean it, Raven, I’m here for you, whatever you need. If you need someone to talk to about all this, I’m here. If you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here for that, too. I’ll even listen to you talk about all the cute girls you like, if you’re willing to hear me talk about cute boys.”

Something about her easy acceptance and friendly joking made me relax and want to joke right back. “Boys? Ewww. That might be a tough one, but for you, I’ll try.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s going to be so tough for you ‘cause you’re all about the tits and ass.” The teasing words barely left her mouth when I backed up to gape at her grinning face. “What? Too soon?”

She had me giggling again, and I barely managed to get out, “I don’t know. I’m… new at this. You’ll have to… give me time to check the Lesbian Handbook.”

“It should come with your union card, I would think. Probably ebook or paperback, I can’t imagine them selling that one in hardcover,” she retorted, making me chortle.

“You’re… terrible,” I gasped out.

“Yep, but I cheered you up, didn’t I?” she replied with a smug grin.

She did cheer me up. Things didn’t feel as overwhelming as they did before we had this talk. I leaned over to hug her again as I said, “Thanks, Erin. For being cool with this and being… well, you. Do you… think I should tell the others?”

Her answer was immediate, and not at all what I expected. “You still need to figure yourself out, right? This was a big revelation for you; you probably still have a lot of self-discovery ahead, and one good talk with a supportive friend isn’t going to suddenly make you okay with all of this. There’s no rush to tell the others. Figure things out first, and then you can tell them when you feel comfortable enough to come out of the closet. Until then, it’ll just be between you and me, if that’s the way you want it.”

“Thanks, Erin, you’re the best,” I told her honestly as I released her from the hug. With that, the matter was dropped, and we got back to relaxing together as we went over our reading assignment for biology until Jenn came home and I left for my own dorm room to get ready for bed. As I fell asleep, I was so glad to have made a friend like Erin. Her easy acceptance made me feel that maybe I could handle this university thing after all.