Kelly is engaged to Joe, but Joe won't set a marriage date, so Kelly asks Joe's sister Laura to help move things along.
Laura Kennedy placed her mug carefully down on the kitchen table.
"While you're here, you can give me a hand. I've been noticing a bit of friction growing between the two boys, and I've decided that they're big enough to cope with their own bedrooms now, so a bit of clearing out and swapping around is in order."
Her companion raised an eyebrow. "Friction?"
"Unfortunately, yes. They'll play quite happily together most of the time, but I'm getting more blows and sounds of pain if I take my eyes off them for any length of time. It's a shame, really. I knew I'd probably have to do it when they got older, but they just don't gel together like they used to."
"Ah. I did notice the cut on Ben's forehead, I just assumed he'd fallen over again." Laura's lunchtime companion was Kelly McManus, a petite redhead who was engaged to Laura's younger brother, Joe. She put down her mug and picked up another sandwich.
Laura said, "He did, but whether he tripped or was pushed is a point of debate. Anyway, what I was leading up to was, I am having to clear out the fourth bedroom so Toby can have it."
Laura Kennedy lived in what these days would probably be called an "executive" house. Fairly large, on a newish estate, it had five bedrooms. Both the master and second bedrooms had en-suite, and the third and fourth bedrooms were also fairly large, but shared a separate bathroom. Laura and her husband, Jamie, naturally used the master bedroom, and the second was kept for both sets of grandparents plus any other visitors. Ben, eight years old, and Toby, six, currently shared the third bedroom, and the fourth was still partly full of items left from their parent's previous move. The fifth bedroom was in the attic and had been turned into an office and study.
Kelly remarked, round a mouthful of tuna and salad, "You've got a fair amount of stuff in there, as I recall. What are you going to do with it all?"
"Well, some of it will get put away, as it should have been when we moved in. Some of it will be boxed up and go in the attic, like Jamie's trophies. Some will get given away. If you fancy, we can have a root through this afternoon and you can take away anything that you might like. There are a couple of items I know are there that would look good in your and Joe's house."
Kelly brightened. "You know I like a good rummage!"
"Yes, although there's one item there I know you would probably want, but that you can't make use of. My wedding dress. I'm going to get it professionally cleaned, and then boxed up and put away. I may yet have a daughter who can make use of it."
Kelly's face fell. The reason why the wedding dress was no use to her was twofold. Firstly, although the two women were both well-proportioned and reasonably fit, Kelly was two sizes smaller than Laura. Secondly -
"Still not got a date out of that brother of mine?" Laura asked sympathetically, "How long is it now? Three years and more, surely!"
"More than three and a half years!" came the forceful reply. "It's the one thing about Joe that gets me really steamed up. I can't understand how he can be so good with most things, yet drag his feet so thoroughly when the subject of a wedding date comes up. It's getting to the point where I can't discuss it with him, because he simply looks forlorn and shuts up."
"Yet if I ask him, he says he still loves you, and wants to be married to you, it's just that -"
"Grrr!" growled Kelly, "the phrase 'it's just that' ought to be banned from the English language. Oh, I agree, we'd just bought the rings when Joe's firm folded, so putting the day off was a good idea. Then he had to get a new job, then it was the training courses he went on, then it was the promotion, then it was buying the house. Well buying the house was a good idea, since at least we are living together, but mention a wedding and the excuses start coming out of the woodwork." She sighed. "Sorry, you've heard all this before, and I'm beginning to sound like a record."
"So true. All his family have tried, and all it seems to do is make him more stubborn." Laura thought, then snickered, "It's a pity the situation isn't reversed."
"How d'you mean? The last thing I want to do is put off the wedding."
"No, I was just thinking, in the olden days, if you had 'inadvertently' got pregnant, for example, both our fathers would have been hammering on your door with shotguns and a wedding would have happened before you could blink. It's a pity we can't figure out some sort of scheme to hustle our reluctant romeo up the aisle."
"What, a sort of reverse shotgun wedding? I can't imagine any way we could organise that. Do you mind I have that last sandwich?"
"Of course not. Do you want more coffee? I'll make up two more mugs, then we can take them upstairs with us while we empty all the cupboards in the spare room."
Kelly finished the last sandwich, then said, "I'd like to have a look at your wedding dress again. You know as well as I do that every woman is a sucker for a white satin frock, and this one's no exception." She added, thoughtfully, "Besides, I might just be getting a hint of a notion of something that might one day pass for an idea."
*****
Some months later, Kelly once again sat in Laura's kitchen, but this time Joe was with her.
"I was hoping to see the boys today. Are they over at Mum and Dad's again?" he said.
"Yes," replied Laura, "they've got something organised for them this afternoon. I don't expect to see them back here till after five."
"I don't see enough of them. It's a shame, Saturday's really my only free day, and that's the day Mum and Dad usually have them."
"There's always Sunday," Kelly remarked, "but, you're right, we are usually busy on Sundays for one reason and another."
"Well, at least I see them more often than Jamie does. When is he next due back on leave?" he asked Laura.
"Last I heard was ten weeks or so. If the situation in Kabul stabilises, he should be back then for some leave. If it doesn't, I might not see him for another month or two on top of that."
James Kennedy was an infantry Lieutenant currently on tour in Afghanistan. He had met Laura ten years previously, and had married whilst still a junior officer. Prospects at that time hadn't looked good for army service, so he had prepared to rejoin civilian life, and had bought the big house with Laura ready for a business career. Then the 'War On Terror' had begun, and Jamie had found himself busier than ever, and also away from home most of the time. The fact that Laura's parents lived five miles away, and Joe (and later Kelly) lived twelve miles in the other direction, had materially helped Laura, with an absent husband and father, bring up two young children.
After some more food was eaten, Laura said to Kelly, "Oh! By the way, I've got my wedding dress back from the cleaners. Do you want another look before it's boxed up?"
"Ooh, yes, please! It's a pity it wouldn't fit me," sighed Kelly, before waving a finger in Joe's direction. "Although, at the rate we're going, I might never wear one, if he has anything to do with it."
Joe pulled a face. "You know the reasons why. I want to marry you, I really do, but there always seems to be something come up just when we've thought everything's clear."
Laura got up to put her mug in the sink.
"It's quite possible you don't really understand what's at stake here," she said. "I suppose it's different for a man. You just grow up, and find a woman, and she moves in with you, and you start a family, and life goes on more or less in a smooth line from end to end, whereas, for a woman, things are quite different. For a start, her body changes radically when she goes through puberty. What happened to you? You very gradually started growing face hair. In fact, you don't grow very much even now, although I suppose that will change. Then a woman has babies, and the first of those brings more massive changes to her body. Then, eventually, there's the menopause. Apart from babies, I suppose, most women don't get much choice about how things happen or when they happen.
"But the one time a woman does have control of her own destiny is when she gets married. Look at it from her point of view. It's the one big event in her life when she can decide beforehand what's going to happen, and when. She is leaving the shelter and comfort of her own family to go and live with the man she loves. It's the one day in her life when she can say "Look at me, I feel so confident in the love of this man that I am willing to tell the world about it!" It's the one day of her life she can dress like a princess, and feel like a princess, and know her prince is waiting for her at the end of the aisle, and everybody in the entire world is going to know about it. Weddings and all that goes with them are important to women, and really, the men are just there to make things work properly."
Joe looked at Kelly. "I hadn't really thought about it from that point of view. You just seemed to go along with things, so I thought it would be all right in the end."
"Hah!" Kelly sniffed, "Men!"
"Well, look at it from my point of view," protested Joe, "Men are supposed to protect and provide, and that's what I've been trying to do."
"All right," Kelly allowed, "As far as it goes, that's good. But deep down, what Laura has just said is very, very true. It's next to impossible to describe to you what a being bride feels like. What I want to feel like."
Laura collected Joe and Kelly's mugs and put them in the sink, then said, "Come on Joe, come upstairs with Kelly and me and see what all the fuss is about."
"Uh, okay," he said, reluctantly.
"Well, you've said repeatedly that you are going to get married to Kelly, so it's not as if you are going to run screaming out the door if you see any of the paraphernalia. So, come on, we've an afternoon to kill, and if I know Kelly we'll kill the whole afternoon drooling over that dress."
Joe held up his hands in surrender. "I give in! If it pleases Kelly, lead on."
The three trooped up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Kelly immediately headed over to where the dress was hanging, in several large cleaner's bags, from the front of one of the built-in wardrobes which occupied the whole of one wall.
"Can I take it out?" asked Kelly.
"Of course, here, I'll help you."
Kelly eased the dress out of it's bag, off it's hanger, then held it up to her front and turned to inspect herself in front of the full-length mirror.
"I don't know if this style would suit me or not. What do you think? Does our difference in height make that much difference in the way it hangs?" Kelly mused, with that slight detachment women have when they look in a mirror and try to see what other people would see.
"You could take a different style, certainly," Laura replied, "because you are slenderer than me, things are going to sit differently. You'll just have to do what I did - spend all day trying every dress on in the shop, seeing what works and what doesn't."
"Several times," Joe remarked.
"What?"
"As I recall, you tried most of them on several times. I thought the shop owner was never going to get rid of you."
"Well, she did, because I ended up having one made to measure, since nothing in the shop quite fit. Although it was to the design of one I tried on. Every woman is a slightly different shape, as you well know, and although we women put up with some sloppiness in most clothes, a dress like that," Laura pointed to the dress, "has to fit properly, especially these modern strapless designs. Wouldn't want any accidents, after all. And," she added, "how would you know what we did, anyway? As I recall, you and Dad sneaked away after about half an hour and spent the rest of the afternoon looking at plasma TVs."
"Yes, and I bet Dad and I were the only ones stopping you from diving head first into the shop's stock," Joe replied.
"What do you think," Kelly asked Joe, twirling to show him, "wouldn't you want to see me in something long and white?"
"That's a silly question," protested Joe, "you know I would!"
"But when? Laura's told you downstairs how much it means to a girl. Time's a-ticking, and you keep prevaricating."
"I know. And I don't think I quite realised just how much it meant to you." Joe's face fell. "But that doesn't alter the fact that the timing hasn't been in our favour just lately."
Kelly quickly smothered the flash of fury Joe's last comment had ignited, and instead walked over to the bed and carefully laid out the dress on it. Laura saw the brief expression on Kelly's face and intervened.
"Please don't start arguing again! I get enough of that from the boys. Look, I believe I might have an idea which will help you think more sympathetically about Kelly's situation, although it's going to require a lot of co-operation from you, and it's a bit... well, off-the-wall."
"What's that?" said Joe, curious that his sister might have a way of helping the situation.
"Seeing Kelly lay the dress out on the bed gave me the idea. Well, I thought that maybe we could spend the rest of the day showing you what it would be like for a bride to get pampered, waited on hand and foot, and treated like a princess".
"How? Make-believe Kelly is going to get married today?"
"Sort of. Unfortunately, the dress is too big for Kelly, even if we did the lacing right up, and it won't fit me any more, my boobs are too big since I had the boys. I know, I tried it on before it went to the cleaners. But it would probably fit you, we're not far off the same size, after all."
"Me? Put on a wedding dress? You're kidding!"
"Look. Think about it. There's just the three of us here, and I'm not expecting anyone till Mum and Dad bring the boys back sometime after five. We can lock all the doors, bolt all the windows and ignore the doorbell and the phone." She stopped and considered. "No, scratch the phone. It would just be our luck for one of the boys to end up in casualty. If that happens, I go and Kelly stays and cleans you up, no-one else need know what we got up to up here. We'll give you the whole works, and you get to find out what happens the other side of the fence. Then, at the end, we scrub you up, and no-one else need know anything has happened. And," she waved a finger at him for emphasis, "when Kelly does finally get to walk up the aisle, you will have a good idea just how she'll be feeling."
"But - it's a ridiculous idea! This is just so you can pressure me to name a date. I would look silly dressed in that, anyway."
Laura said, "No, we just want you to be able to appreciate Kelly's position. And of course you wouldn't look silly. I still have all the rest of the outfit," she indicated the bags with the remaining items in them, "and I am sure we can find suitable underpinnings to make everything sit properly. And it will give you a chance to spend an afternoon being waited upon hand and foot by two gorgeous women. And I repeat, this will be just between the three of us."
Kelly came and held Joe's hand in both of hers, and looked up at him. "It's a beautiful idea, I wish I'd thought of it. Do it for me. Please. It would mean so much to me."
Joe looked at Kelly's face, and thought briefly. It was a preposterous notion, and if he did it he was almost sure to end up looking like a right lemon. But Laura was right, they had an afternoon, they weren't likely to get interrupted, it would please the two girls, and it might be an interesting, if unusual, way to pass the time. And, after all, he did love Kelly very much.
"Well, are you sure we wouldn't be interrupted?"
Laura reassured him, "There's no-one likely to be calling that I am aware of. And if something urgent comes up, I can go and deal with it, and even if someone had to come inside the house, you can bolt the bedroom door and clean up without being disturbed. Look, here's the key."
She walked over to the end door of the wardrobe, and slid it open. Reaching up onto the shelf she retrieved a long thin key which she then pushed into a hole at the top of the bedroom door, where a small deadbolt had been fitted. She turned the key, to show the bolt coming out of the side of the door, then retracted it and put the key back on the shelf.
"We had to have that fitted when the boys got big enough to start wandering round the house." She smiled. "There were one or two things it was better they didn't see, especially in here, so we had bolts fitted."
Joe briefly hesitated, still not sure the exercise was necessary, or that something wouldn't go wrong somewhere. Then he shrugged, "Oh, very well, although I'm sure I'm going to regret this. How do you propose to do this?"
Laura said, "Firstly, I think we have to find out if it can be done at all. The dress might not be suitable. So if you take off your t-shirt and jeans, we can do a quick size test and see if it will fit." All three, as it happens, were wearing t-shirts and denims of various shapes, sizes, colours and patterns. Kelly and Joe had trainers, while Laura was wearing house slippers. "Oh, and your trainers. I don't want any holes torn in my dress, thank you."
Joe pulled off his t-shirt, and tossed it on the bed, from where a disapproving Kelly picked it up and folded it. "Uh, sorry." He paused before pulling down his jeans.
"Might I remind you that we've both seen you with nothing on, so you aren't going to give us any surprises," Laura said. Joe looked at her. She continued, "In my case, since you were twenty minutes old, and I've seen many male bodies of all shapes, sizes and ages since, so don't get embarrassed on my account."
Joe took off his trainers, followed by his jeans, handing both to Kelly, who placed them with the t-shirt on a chair at the side of the bed. He remained standing wearing only his briefs. "What next?"
Laura lifted the dress and turned it over to slacken off the laces which ran down the back of the bodice, then unzipped it and brought it over to the largest empty part of the bedroom floor. She carefully lowered it so that it left a small area of floor showing through the middle of the garment.
"Right, step into here."
Joe stepped gingerly into the dress and Laura pulled it up to his chest.
"Hold it here and here while I do up the zip."
"Wow! Men's clothes don't feel anything like this!" he remarked, as she pulled the tab upwards.
"No," Kelly said, "we try to keep it a secret."
"I need to do up the laces a bit, but I think it's not that bad a fit," said Laura, moving round to Joe's back. She started taking the slack out of the lacing. "That'll do for now."
Joe dropped his hands and moved to stand in front of the mirror. What he saw was a man wearing a wedding dress, but it didn't look as strange as he thought it would. After all, he thought, when was the last time he'd seen a man in a wedding dress?
"The hem is a bit long, you'll notice," Laura said to Joe, who barely knew what a hem was, let alone how long it should have been. "Of course, that's because you don't have the crinoline under it and also you're in bare feet, well, socks."
Joe put the flat of his hands over the crumpled area on his chest.
"We can fix that easily enough. Like I said, there are undergarments which go with the outfit and I am sure we can give you a reasonable looking pair of boobs to fill out the front of the dress. Actually, I say that, it's all been put away for a long time, I hope I can find it all. Right, out you come, looks like it will fit you."
Laura slackened off the lacing again and undid the zip, allowing the dress to gently slide to the floor. Joe stepped out.
Laura asked Joe, "Are you sure you want to go on with this now you've had a sneak preview?"
"Its... different, not what I was expecting at all. I'm still not convinced of the value of this little exercise, but, very well, let's continue."
"Then the next step is to clean you up. I have just had this dress cleaned and I don't want any man-dirt on it, thank you. Come into the en suite and have a shower." The three of them walked into the adjoining bathroom and Laura showed Joe where the shower gel was, and the towels. "While you're in there, you might as well give your hair a quick rinse. I'll have to blow-dry it into some sort of style so we can fit the veil properly."
Joe looked at her with alarm.
"Nothing special, we don't want to do anything permanent, leave you with anything that looks embarrassing. You should just be able to comb it out afterwards, or a quick rinse should sort it out. While you are doing that, I will find some of the other things we might need, and Kelly will go downstairs and make sure everything's locked up. Oh, and there's a pack of disposable razors in the bathroom cabinet, make sure your face is nice and smooth."
The two women left the bathroom. Joe closed the door and turned on the shower. Laura started looking through drawers, case, bags and boxes to find the other parts of the ensemble. Kelly left the bedroom and went downstairs where she checked that all the doors were locked (as they usually were, around those parts), and that the intruder bolts on all the windows were properly set.
By the time Joe emerged from the en suite, with a towel wrapped round his waist and his socks and briefs in one hand, the bed had a number of extra items placed on it, mostly white. Joe handed Kelly his underwear to add to the pile, and said, "I'm still not entirely convinced about doing this."
"Look, I told you, we'll be perfectly safe and secure. Kelly went downstairs while you were showering and made sure all the doors and windows were locked," replied Laura.
"I didn't mean that, I meant -"
"Fine!" Laura cut him off. She walked to the wardrobe and got the key, shut the bedroom door, bolted it, and returned the key to the wardrobe. "Does that make you feel safer?"
In fact, Joe did feel safer, and Laura's action had pushed some of the other doubts he had been feeling to the back of his mind.
Kelly said, "As girls, we used to play dressing-up games all the time. Think of it just as a dressing-up game, that's all."
Joe said to her, "That's all you really wanted, isn't it - your very own life-size Barbie to play with!"
Kelly assumed an expression of mock guilt. "Busted!"
Laura went over to the bed and retrieved a flesh-coloured stretch garment.
"This is what we call a light control panty. I hope it's not too big, it's quite old, from before I had the boys. It'll keep all your bits and pieces out of the way of any trouble. Go and put it on in there, and you can hang up the towel then."
Joe emerged from the bathroom again, this time feeling quite strange in the elasticated garment. It was probably the first time he had ever worn anything made of any kind of close-fitting stretch fabric. The gusset was just about wide enough to prevent his crown jewels spilling out of the sides, but otherwise the garment fitted quite well. Joe was surprised how well, in fact.
"Right, the next thing I want to do is tights. Sit on the edge of the bed, here, while I find some tights," instructed Laura. "Normally, when a woman wears tights she shaves her legs, or worse, but as it will all be hidden under the skirt of the dress I think we'll skip that bit."
She had looked at and rejected all of her available stock of tights while Joe was showering. She did have stockings and suspenders, but they were black, and saucy, and expensive, so they were ruled out. After looking in a couple of cases at the bottom of one of the wardrobes, she had found a pair of white stretch tights which she had bought when expecting Toby. They had a rose pattern up the outside of the legs, and had been a port of last resort when her feet had swelled.
"Kelly, can you help Joe on with these, please, while I sort out the support bra."
Kelly knelt in front of Joe and quickly pulled one leg of the tights down into a doughnut. Expertly, she placed his foot into it, and carefully unwound it up his calf. Stopping there, she repeated the process before asking him to stand so she could finish the upper parts of his legs, ending by pulling the top up to his waist. Laura was waiting, holding the support bra, which was white, longline, and strapless.
"This is the original I wore for the wedding, so I hope it's still okay. There's not too much elastic in it, so I hope nothing's perished. It was only worn the once, and put away carefully, so it should be in good condition."
She wrapped it round his chest, and Kelly held it while she shifted position to behind Joe. "This is going to hurt, I'm afraid. We women have to suffer for our beauty, and I don't see why you shouldn't also."
Joe felt as though a steel band had been clamped round his chest. "Wait a minute." Laura unhooked the bra and moved it slightly lower, then recommenced fastening it. Joe found that although the new position was still tight, he could at least breathe.
"Ow."
"What?"
"There's something digging into me, here."
"That's bones. Because there's no straps on this bra, it has to support itself. That means bones, lots of them. And the dress was designed to go over this bra, so it's supporting the dress as well."
When Laura had finished, Joe moved around to try to settle the garment into a comfortable position. There was a tight band around Joe's waist, which now looked slimmer in the mirror. There was another tight line around the chest, under the bottom of the cups, and also around the top edge of the cups. Joe decided that there must be some kind of stiffening around the top edge of the cups to keep them that way.
"While I find something to pad out these cups, perhaps you'd better get the hair dryer out and get started on his hair," Laura said to Kelly, "That will save us some time, and I don't want his hair to get too dry before it's styled."
"Good idea. Where is it?"
"Second drawer of the vanity table, over on the left."
While Kelly brushed and teased out Joe's hair, while holding it under the dryer, Laura started looking into cupboards and boxes, before giving a triumphant "Ah!"
"Look at these," she said, showing Kelly and Joe what looked like two lumps of transparent jelly, one in each hand, "I used these before we were wed, and occasionally for special events after we were wed. That was before I got pregnant and my breasts exploded."
"You're not being very encouraging," said Kelly, "I plan to start a family sometime soon, I don't want to end up like some carrot-top Dolly Parton!"
"Ah, well, you know every woman reacts to pregnancy in a different way. Chances are you will be fine. Now, Joe, looks like you have what we in the trade call muffin-top." Laura shifted the breast pads to one hand and used the other to gently pinch the roll of flesh which the bra had forced out at the top. "That's what you get for working in an office and also for being overfed by your housekeeper. Now, I think we might be able to make use of that."
With that cryptic remark she put the breast pads down on the bed and started undoing the bra again. Once she had removed it from Joe's chest she gave it to Kelly, then got the key from the wardrobe and unbolted the door again.
"I need to fetch something from the other bathroom," she said, opening the door and leaving.
"Do all bras clamp your chest that much?" Joe asked Kelly.
"No, of course not," came the reply, "Most of them have to be close-fitting under the breasts, but otherwise they are quite comfortable. When fitted properly, that is. It's usually just the gear we wear for special occasions that can be a little tight-fitting, like that one, and corsets and suchlike."
Laura returned, and closed and re-bolted the door, returning the key to the wardrobe shelf. She had in her hands a pair of scissors and a reel of flesh-coloured first-aid tape. She cut a long length of tape from the reel, giving the reel and the scissors to Kelly, who had put down the dryer.
"You've a little flab here," she said to Joe, prodding his chest, "Let's see if we can fake up some cleavage. Hold up your arms."
She held the centre of the tape to the centre of Joe's chest, and pressed it firmly there with a thumb. Then she put her free hand under Joe's armpit and pushed his loose flesh towards the middle.
"Kelly, help me out here," she instructed. Kelly stretched the loose tape under the bulge of flesh and secured it under Joe's armpit. Then, while she still held the centre with her thumb, the operation was repeated on the other side.
"How's that? Not too tight, no pinches? Good."
Joe was fitted with the bra once more. Before the top hooks were done up, the two gel pads were placed in the cups, and he noticed that the fit was more comfortable, since some of his loose body fat now filled the cups.
"Hmm. Not quite enough, we need to pack the cups a bit more." Laura went to her tights drawer and selected two pairs of her older tights. By careful feeding with a finger, a pair was fed into each cup, settling it underneath the gel pad. The end result astonished Joe. Looking down, he apparently had a pair of authentic-looking breasts! He raised his hands and placed them under the cups, watched by the two women.
"I, they, words fail me," he stammered.
"They fail you when you get hold of mine, as well," said Kelly, dryly. "Well, now you know why! Go and admire yourself in the mirror."
Joe looked, front view, side view. Strange, the difference a simple garment and some padding can make!
Laura looked as well, thoughtful. "The top's not bad, but you can't exactly say he's got child-bearing hips, now, can you?"
Kelly replied, "I don't want him for his child-bearing hips, fortunately. But I hope all that is going to disappear under the dress."
"Yes, it should. Next comes the underslip," Laura said, moving to the bed. She lifted a garment consisting of a tube of fabric. "This is designed to keep your legs warm."
"I thought the tights did that," queried Joe.
"Remember, these dresses are usually worn outdoors, or in some draughty church, and I got married in December. Don't overestimate the warmth of tights, and that crinoline can let cold air under as you walk. You need that bit of extra help." She collapsed the slip down to the floor and Joe climbed into it. It was a simple white floor-length waist-slip, made of strong cotton with a lace trim at the bottom. Laura tied the slip round Joe's waist using the tape which ran round the waistband.
"Next item is the crinoline. This will go over your head," Laura said to Joe as she unwrapped the huge volume from the cleaner's bag. "Put your arms forward, so we can slip it - that's great! Now just - good." She slid the crinoline down Joe, carefully feeding it over the cups of the bra, and secured it around his waist with the tapes provided. The garment billowed down to the floor. This item was made of very thin gauzy material, in a bell shape. Radiating from Joe's waist to the hem of the garment were support ribbons, and attached to those ribbons at intervals all the way down were fabric tubes with plastic stiffeners inside. A deep lace flounce lay crumpled on the carpet.
"That's not good," said Laura, "You need some footwear to keep the hem off the floor. Sit yourself - carefully - on the edge of the bed for a minute."
She walked round the other side of the bed and opened one of the boxes on it, frowning. She lifted out a tiny gold court shoe. "No, these are the bridesmaids shoes! I will have to look - " She got up and walked back to the wardrobe.
Eventually, she found another box, and pulled out a pair of white court shoes, saying, "These are my wedding shoes, but, looking at them, they are never going to fit on your feet. Let me think a minute. Oh, I know," and she opened another door to expose a further extensive collection of shoe boxes.
"Ah! That's what I wanted." She pulled out a box. "These are some sandals I had to buy when I was pregnant with Toby and my feet swelled up."
The sandals were white, of a simple three-strap design. Each strap had a Velcro adjustment, so fitting them to Joe was straightforward. He stood up, feeling odd.
"There's a one-and-a-half-inch heel on those," remarked Laura, "When you're pregnant, you don't need high heels."
"This is low?" asked Joe, who had never been that high before.
"Come on, you've seen my shoe collection before. I've only reduced my heel size since I had children. Before that I tottered round with the best of them. But that pair seem just the right height to carry the crinoline. Shall we move on to the next layer?"
From another cleaner's bag, Laura removed a net petticoat. This had three tiers of plain white netting over a thin nylon underskirt. This went on over Joe's head, and was tied with tapes at his waist.
"Ready for the dress?"
Because of the crinoline, the dress had to be put on over Joe's head this time, and pulled down into position. Laura zipped it up, and then started carefully tightening the lacing. The dress consisted of a white satin bodice attached to a bell-shaped skirt of the same material. Over the satin was a very fine white gauze which had tiny floral motifs embroidered all over it in silver. The bodice had four large pleats arranged over the breasts, and in the middle of the top was a small bow made from satin ribbon, but other than that there was no embellishment. The top was arranged in a fairly deep sweetheart shape, held up by fine wire in the seams of the cups and bodice. At the left side was a concealed zip, plus a hook at top and waist for strain relief, and in the centre back was a panel which could be adjusted by means of lacing which ran down either side. From the side seams, two long eight inch wide sashes fell to the floor. The sides and rear of the bodice came up much higher than those of the support bra.
As she pulled the laces, Laura said, "You're lucky. When I had this made, I asked the designer to make the sides and back higher, since I knew I would be having a winter wedding and I wanted that bit extra coverage. On me, it came right up to my armpits. On you, because of your longer torso, it's just about right. There! Is that comfortable?"
Before Joe could go and stand in front of the mirror, Kelly said, "No! Don't look at yourself yet. There's a fair bit to do before you get to see the finished product. Come and sit over here in front of the vanity table."
They ushered him over to the vanity table and, with Kelly lifting the back of the dress and crinoline, seated him in front of it on a low stool.
"Sorry about the stool. One of the boys spilled something on the proper one so I have had to borrow. Still, since you're that bit taller, it means we can reach you a bit easier."
Laura fetched a clean towel and wrapped it round his neck and shoulders to protect the outfit. Then she brushed his hair out from the centre and styled it, using hairspray to fix it.
"It's just as well you have a bit of hair to work with," she remarked, "I could never have done this with Jamie's army regulation cut. It's not as long as a regular bride would like it, but it's long enough to do what we want it to do."
Kelly got to do the makeup, which amused her greatly. A little cleaner, then moisturiser, then foundation. She didn't have to cover too much since both Joe and Laura had fairly light-coloured brown hair and what beard there was didn't show through. On top went strategic dustings of powder and blusher, before the lot was fixed with a mist spray. She used skin-toned eyeshadow to hide the bottom of Joe's eyebrows, making them look higher and thinner. Then came more eyeshadow on his lids, then eyeliner and mascara.
Laura said, "Don't do the lipstick just yet. If it comes off on the dress it'll be difficult to get off."
Next, from a long narrow box on the bed came the veil. This consisted of four layers, attached to a silver coronet, which Laura fixed firmly to Joe's hair with clips and hairpins. Finally, she tied the two sash lengths into a huge rear bow, the loops of which came out beyond Joe's waist.
"Right. Stand up and close your eyes."
Joe stood, and he felt the rear of the crinoline being lifted so that he could walk forward. The women guided him into position, then he felt them arranging the layers of the skirt tidily, before Laura smoothed the ends of the bow down the back of the skirt. Kelly meanwhile arranged the layers of the veil away from Joe's face, so that he could see the end result.
"Okay, open!"
Joe looked at himself in the mirror. The person he saw was not Joe, not quite. It wasn't exactly a woman, either, but if you didn't know, you probably wouldn't think twice. Kelly and Laura had worked some magic with his hair and face. He turned slightly to study his profile. Interesting!
He was aware of some very odd feelings inside. He had never, to his knowledge, worn women's clothing before. Okay, Kelly had put one of her bras on him one time during some bedroom horseplay, but that didn't count. The bodice was too tight, the bones stuck into him, his legs (especially the tops) were getting quite warm, and his shoulders were getting cool by comparison. But he felt comfortable in the outfit in a way he couldn't describe. He turned to the side. The full profile looked very good.
"You look very good, I must say," said Kelly, "I dare say you wouldn't win any beauty contests, but I think you'd make a passable bride. For a dim lumbering man, you actually turn out quite pretty."
"I'm not sure whether I've just been insulted or not," replied Joe, "I'll assume not."
"How do you feel?" asked Laura.
"Parts of me are squashed, parts are too warm, parts are too cold. The whole thing feels, well, weird. But strangely, I feel very comfortable in a way I couldn't describe if you gave me years. This was a brilliant idea of yours, Laura."
"Try a sashay up and down to get the feel for it. Oh! I know," she said. She walked over to the dresser and removed a bunch of dried flowers from a vase. "Here, hold these. We don't have a proper bride's posy, so these will have to do."
Joe walked the length of the bedroom, round the bed and back again, feeling the crinoline bounce and sway as he did so. When he got back to his starting point, he asked, "What does it look like with the veil down?"
"That's going to be a bit tricky for you to see, since with the veil down you can't see anything. That's why the bride's father has to lead her up the aisle, so she doesn't keep banging into the pews. Um, I have a digital camera up here somewhere, we could always take a picture and then show you."
"No! No pictures! I don't want any incriminating evidence to be left!" Joe protested.
"Look, with the veil down, you can't see out, and if you can't see out, no-one outside can see in. You'll just be totally anonymous. I'll give you the camera after I've taken the picture, and you can look at it on the view screen. If you think the picture gives away too much, you can delete it yourself."
"Yes, of course, I'm not thinking straight. I'm just being paranoid. Okay, then."
Laura fetched the camera from one of the drawers in the dresser, while Kelly positioned Joe and arranged the veil over his face. The veil had four layers of fine net. The innermost one was completely opaque, and reached the end of his nose. The other layers could be seen through, individually, but together were also opaque. One reached to his chin, one to top of his shoulders, and the outermost was just longer than his bustline. The four layers extended somewhat farther down at the back. By bending his head slightly, and trying to see past the end of his nose, the only things in Joe's vision were his 'cleavage' and the bow in the middle of the bodice.
"You're not kidding you can't see. I'd definitely need help to go more than a couple of paces."
"Fortunately," replied Laura, "the veil isn't down for that long. From when you leave the house, for the car ride, till when you get to the altar inside the church. Now, say cheese."
There was a flash. "Hold still a moment, I want to try another angle. "Another flash. "If you don't mind, turn ninety left, and I'll get a shot of the back view."
As Joe turned, he felt Kelly tidying the hem of the skirt for the next shot. Laura clicked, and then Kelly lifted the veil so Joe could see.
"Here," Laura handed him the camera, and Joe puzzled over the unfamiliar controls.
"I'm sorry, I should have realised," he said after examining the pictures, "These pictures are totally innocent. You can't even tell who's inside that lot. Perhaps we can keep them as a souvenir?" He looked at Kelly, who nodded.
"What do you say now," she said, "about getting married?"
"Oh, I think I understand a great deal better, now," he replied. "I don't think I'd fully realised how you felt about such things. Being in this dress is amazing, too! I quite understand why you'd want to wear one. We'll get something sorted out, top priority."
"Well, what would you say," Kelly asked, "if I were to suggest that we could get married today, this very afternoon, in fact?"
"What? No, I don't think I could do that. We need to do a certain amount of planning first. A month, absolute minimum. I said, I'll give it top priority. Can't say any fairer than that."
Kelly scowled, so Laura said, hurriedly, "Cool it, Kelly! The man's set a time limit. Don't get upset, just when we're having such a pleasant afternoon."
"Time limit? A month's the minimum - " Joe protested, but Laura cut him off.
"I know, I know. But that's a lot closer to naming a date than we've ever been able to get out of you up till now. So just calm down."
Then she turned and said, "Oh! We've forgotten the final bit of the outfit!" She walked over to the wardrobe and lifted down the only laundry bag which still had something in it.
"This is the shrug. Because I had a winter wedding, we needed something to keep my shoulders and arms warm. What on earth have they done?" She had removed the garment from the bag, and held it up. "There must have been some mistake, it feels stiff in parts. Oh, of course, the lining's different to the rest of the dress. But they should have been more careful."
The shrug was little more than an oval of cloth with two very long sleeves attached. It was made from the same materials as the dress, but instead of a stiffened taffeta lining it had a lining made from fine white polyester jersey, to provide a little extra insulation. Laura looked at the shrug doubtfully.
"I don't know if this is going to fit or not, especially if they have used the wrong treatment on it. I checked the dress, the crinoline and the net underskirt when it all came back from the cleaners, I must have forgot the shrug. My arms are a bit more slender than yours, it could be too tight a fit. But the inside is stretch jersey, so you might be able to get it on with our help. Care to give it a try?"
"Why are the arms so long? They look too long, even for you," asked Kelly.
"Ah, well, brides can't wear gloves, so we extended the sleeves down to the knuckles. See," Laura held up the end of the sleeve, "there's a hole here where your thumb comes out."
"Brides can't wear gloves?" asked Joe, "Why not?"
"Couldn't get the wedding ring on, silly," replied Kelly. "Although I expect they might have gloves in really cold climates."
"Actually," said Laura, "There was a muff went with this outfit as well but I lost it somewhere along the way. It's probably in a box with all the cake tiers, extra orders of service and all the other odds and ends. I don't think we need to bother with that now. Do you want to try this on? It will actually make the outfit look quite different, so it will be well worth the effort if we can manage it." She held up the shrug.
"Yes, I think so, please, why not."
The two women stood behind Joe, each holding one side of the shrug, and ready to guide Joe's arms into the sleeves with their other hands. They gradually pulled the garment up as Joe's arms found their way down the sleeves. When his fingers peeped out of the ends, the women guided Joe's thumbs out into the holes provided for them. Finally, Joe's slightly-wider shoulders popped into the puffed tops of the sleeves, and the women wrapped the shrug snugly around Joe's body. There were clicks as small cobalt magnets embedded in the edge of the shrug attached to the wires at the top of the bodice. Further magnets clicked just under the bust, and either side at the back, to ensure that the shrug stayed laying flat to the bodice, and wouldn't be shifted by any breeze. There was a four-inch gap between the edges of the shrug at the front, and there was a soft formed collar which stood up a little at the sides and the back of his neck. Now, except at the very front, above the bust, no skin of Joe's was exposed. The women arranged the back of the veil over the shrug.
"Now go and admire yourself in the mirror," suggested Kelly.
"These sleeves are very stiff," complained Joe, "I can't bend my arms at all."
He stood in front of the mirror, and since he couldn't do anything else, just linked his fingertips. He turned to the side, and admired himself.
"Come and sit on the bed, dear," said Kelly, "we have some things to discuss."
Joe said, "I understand now why brides have loads of folks rushing round after them. It would be next to impossible for anyone on their own to dress up in bridal wear." He seated himself, carefully, on the edge of the bed, and the women came and sat either side of him.
Kelly sighed. "I really didn't want to have to do this, but you have left us no choice. When I asked you before about getting married today, I meant it. The reason Ben and Toby are at your parents today is because they are taking them to St Michael's church, where you and I are getting married at four o'clock. We got fed up with waiting for you, so it's all been arranged."
"No!" Disbelievingly. "You're making this up!" The women each clutched hold of one of his arms.
"It's true. If you had given the right answer to my question before, we would have taken the dress off you, and everything would have been roses. You didn't, so here's the deal. You can't get out of the dress on your own. Co-operate, and we let you out. Refuse, and we take you as you are."
Pulling his arm free from Kelly, Joe attempted to reach some part of his body, with no success. What the jersey lining in the sleeves of the shrug had concealed was another layer, which was partly elasticated, and each sleeve had six steel bones sewn into this layer. All started at about the level of his armpits. The bones either sides went down to his wrists, the ones on top went right to the knuckles, the ones underneath right over his palms. He could waggle his fingers, and rotate his arms from the shoulders, but that was about all. Joe, being entirely ignorant of such items of clothing, simply had not understood what had happened when the unfamiliar garment had been pulled on.
"No! I trusted you! You set me up! I won't do it! You can't pressure me like this. Take this off me NOW!"
He struggled with one hand to pull down the sleeve of the other arm, and failed to make anything happen at all. Suddenly, he leant forward, and pushed himself up to a standing position. The euphoria of the last hour had disappeared abruptly, as though he had had a bucket of cold water thrown in his face. A spike of fear grew in his stomach, where it warred briefly with the fury he felt at being betrayed. He walked, as rapidly as he could, to the bedroom door, where he tried with difficulty to grasp the knob and turn it. Realising that the door was bolted, he moved to the wardrobe and tried to reach the key on the shelf. The two women watched him impassively from their seats on the bed. His wrist banged futilely against the edge of the shelf. The bones in the sleeves meant that he couldn't bend his hand to grasp the key.
"No, no, no, I won't. Get this off me! This is blackmail of the worst sort. You're making this up, right?"
Laura shook her head again. Kelly just looked glum. Joe glanced about, then headed off towards the window, discovering that heels and a tight underskirt meant he could only take tiny steps, and with difficulty. The two women watched him go. After a few seconds, though, Laura realised that Joe was not heading towards the vanity table to look for some tool to help free himself (there were none; she had made sure of that), but towards the windows themselves. Unlike the downstairs windows, the upstairs ones were rarely locked, for fire safety reasons.
"Oh, shit! Quick, grab him!" Laura quickly got up and ran after Joe, but by the time she and Kelly reached him, he had managed to open one of the windows and had let out one shout of "Help!"
They each grabbed an arm, and with difficulty, pulled him backwards away from the window. Joe resisted, and, swinging his arms, freed himself from Kelly's grasp. He used the free arm to try and aim a swipe at Laura, but she leaned back and avoided it. The look in Joe's eyes was that of sheer panic. Laura used her body weight and leverage to swing Joe round by the arm she still held, and he stumbled forward with a thump into the front of one of the wardrobe doors. He bounced off, and that gave Laura the chance to propel him face first into a corner of the room where the end of the wardrobe met the wall beside the window. Kelly grabbed his free hand, and the two women pulled his arms behind his back.
"Hold his wrist like this," Laura instructed, as she twisted it slightly. Kelly followed suit.
"Ow! That hurts! Let go of me! Help! HELP!"
Laura took hold of the wrist which Kelly held, and indicated to Kelly that she should go and close the window. She held Joe wedged into the corner till Kelly came back.
"Now what?" Kelly mouthed. Laura shrugged slightly. This amount of fuss had not been part of their plan, although the possibility had been discussed.
"Plan B?" Laura asked, and after a second Kelly reluctantly nodded in reply. Kelly grabbed Joe's wrist again, and the two women walked Joe backwards out of the corner, turned him and propelled him straight towards the bed. When he reached the bed, the women continued pushing and Joe fell onto the bed in an explosion of satin and lace, his legs collapsing till he was kneeling on the floor with his upper body stretched across the bed, his arms still held behind him so he couldn't rise.
"Ooof! Ow! Let me up! I'm not going to do anything you want! Traitors! LET ME GO!"
Kelly spied the scissors and tape, still on the bed from earlier use, and pointed to it.
No," Laura replied, "that'll mark the dress. I've a better idea. The bow."
Kelly looked at the huge bow which covered the whole of the back of the bodice of the dress. Getting the idea, she reached down to grab one of the sash ends.
"No," Laura shook her head, "not that way." With the fingers of her free hand, she pulled a loop of the bow out from under Joe's arm and began pulling at the material, making it bigger. Kelly immediately understood what she intended, and copied her actions with the other loop. Once the loops were big enough, the women, by changing their grip, managed to get Joe's arms inside the loops, which they then manoeuvred back up to his elbows. Each woman then grabbed the sash end of the other's loop, and began pulling the excess out of the loops, till they were snug and tight, and Joe's arms were held locked together, just crossing at the wrists.
"Another bow on top should hold it," instructed Laura, and Kelly held her sash end in place while Laura constructed another bow to secure Joe's arms.
The whole time this had been happening Joe hadn't stopped shouting, although he had actually got so panic stricken that he was almost incoherent.
Laura said, "I think we're going to need that tape now." Kelly reached for the tape, and cut a length from the reel, while Laura held Joe down on the bed with the flat of her hand in the small of his back. Kelly stuck the piece of tape to the back of her hand.
"Ready?" The two women grabbed hold of Joe's arms and lifted Joe's body upright so that he was in effect kneeling at the side of the bed. The veil had fallen over his face, but he hadn't stopped complaining. Laura lifted the veil, then grabbed Joe on the top of his head with one hand, and under his jaw with the other, and clamped his mouth shut. Before a startled Joe could resist, Kelly had smoothed down the strip of tape across his mouth and cheeks.
"Mmmm! Mmm mm MMM!"
"What'll we do with him?" Kelly asked Laura, puffing. Both women were now looking distinctly dishevelled.
"We'll put him on the stool," Laura replied, "Help me lift him up."
Joe was kneeling hard up against the bed, so he was unable to rise. The most recent events had so shocked him that he had stopped resisting. The women each put a hand under Joe's armpits and hauled him onto his feet. Then, still holding his arms, they walked him backwards until they reached the stool in front of the vanity table. As Kelly reached down with her free hand and picked up the back of the crinoline, they walked him back until his legs touched the stool, and then pushed him down onto it. Kelly tastefully arranged the skirt in a big circle on the floor around the seated Joe. Laura squatted in from of him,and, reaching under the front of the crinoline, pulled both of Joe's legs out straight so that they were resting on their heels. Then she replaced the crinoline. The veil had slipped forward again, so she held the front of it up.
"Mmmm!" The eyes that looked back at her held fear, disappointment, betrayal, anger.
"I know, but it's not going to get you anywhere. Now listen carefully, brother. A lot of people have gone to a lot of trouble today, and you're not going to spoil it for anyone. You have repeatedly stated that you want to marry Kelly, and marry Kelly you will. At four o'clock today."
"Mmmm! Mmm mm MMMM mm MMMM!"
"Now, you can either co-operate, or you can go just as you are, trussed up like a Christmas turkey. Understand me?"
Joe's eye's held Laura's in a level stare, and then they dropped, and he nodded. Kelly came and stood in front of Joe.
"Oh my God, I've just thought! You're not married already, are you? Is that what this is all about?"
Joe's head snapped up. Distinctly, he shook his head from side to side. He glared at Kelly. She glared back.
"I don't know what you've got to be offended about. Given the amount of shilly-shallying and heel-dragging you've been doing since that job of yours folded, I'm surprised I didn't think of it before."
She turned to Laura. "What say you and I go and put the kettle on for a coffee, and Cinderella here can sit and consider her options."
"Mmm mm MM!"
Laura carefully folded the veil back down, then stood. Just before she reached the door, Joe heard her add, "We'd better find you still sitting on that stool when we come back, or we might have to take further measures. And another thing! You had better not damage that dress, or you might not live to four o'clock! Understand me?"
After a second, the veiled figure nodded, then it's head dropped. Joe heard the door open, then close, then heard the bolt being shot from the outside.
Joe considered escape, for a very few seconds, before deciding that it wasn't possible, or even desirable. The first problem was getting up from the stool. He was too low, the centre of gravity was all wrong for levering himself up. His arms were locked behind him. If he attempted to bring his legs back under him, the underslip would hamper his movements, and he would probably fall backwards off the stool and might even hurt himself. He couldn't lean forward far enough to shift his balance because his 'bust' got in the way. The tight underslip had clamped his thighs together when he sat down, which meant he couldn't even bottom shuffle forward on the stool.
If he did manage get up, what then? He couldn't see anything, so finding the window would be difficult. Even if he did, he couldn't open it with his hands behind him, and even if he managed that, he couldn't shout out because of the tape. Even if he somehow managed to shout, he couldn't see, so he wouldn't know if there was anyone out there to hear him!
And the bedroom door was bolted from the outside. Joe didn't think that had been particularly aimed at him - after all, Laura might have been downstairs and still wanted to stop the boys wandering into her bedroom, so the bolt had to be functional from both sides. But the end effect was still the same, Joe was stuck in there. The two women had been very thorough. His head dropped again.
Kelly fished three mugs out of the cupboard while Laura filled the kettle and switched it on.
"That was awkward," said Kelly, combing her fingers through her hair to try and get it back under control, "I didn't expect him to go berserk like that."
"Could have been a lot worse," replied Laura, as she handed Kelly the coffee jar. "I think he just completely panicked. Let's face it, we pulled a pretty dirty trick on him, especially after him having such a good time beforehand. We did talk about possibilities like this happening, if you recall, when we planned this little stunt, but we also knew that unplanned things might happen, and that we'd have to work it out as we went along."
Kelly asked, "Were you bluffing, before? I mean about taking him to church all trussed up?"
"Of course! I think we might just have been able to talk old Tom Price around, but I don't think any wedding with the bride or groom tied up would be exactly legal, would it? Reverend Watkins wouldn't stand for it, in any case. Or, probably, either sets of parents. No, I think once we get upstairs to him again he'll be calm and rational once more, so we'll quietly drop the threat option."
Kelly's voice dropped. "Do you think he'll still want to marry me, after the way we've treated him?"
"I don't know. We'll find out in a couple of minutes. Can you get the milk from the fridge?"
Joe heard the key releasing the deadbolt. Shortly after, Laura lifted the veil, and folded the layers back away from his face. Joe hadn't moved, except to try and make his position more comfortable. Laura picked at the end of the tape on Joe's face.
"If I take this off you, can you assure me you won't rant and rave or have a hissy fit?"
Joe nodded, eyes lowered.
"Is that a promise? We have more tape if required." Joe nodded again. Laura peeled the tape from Joe's face. He licked his lips. Kelly appeared, holding a mug in one hand, and several tissues in the other. She gently wiped his face, then held the mug to his lips, the other hand holding the tissues underneath to catch any spills.
"Have a sip of coffee. Careful, it's hot." Joe sipped, twice, then took his head away from the cup. His eyes dropped.
"I've been incredibly stupid, haven't I?" he said. "I'm sorry, really sorry, I had my priorities completely wrong. I let that job get on top of me. Sometimes it gets difficult remembering what's important, and what's not. I'll get married to you, today, if you'll still have me. I'll even go like this if that's what it takes."
Kelly felt a warm glow, but asked him, "You sure that's what you want? You're not just saying that because you think we're forcing you to say it?"
"No!" He looked at her. "All I've ever wanted was to be with you, from the moment we first met. Kelly McMahon, marry me. Today. At St Michaels. At four o'clock."
Kelly's smile was radiant. Laura allowed the breath she had been holding come out in a whoosh. She walked round behind Joe and spilled the bow holding his arms, then pulled out the loops so that he could move his arms again. Kelly gently grasped his head in both hands and, pulling it forward, kissed him lightly on the forehead. The women each grabbed an arm and pulled him carefully to his feet. Joe walked over to the bed and sat on it.
"Can I have a little more of that coffee? I'm afraid I can't hold the mug myself."
Kelly brought the mug over to him and fed most of it to him. Then, putting it down on the dresser, she picked up her own mug and started drinking. Laura picked up her own mug.
"I'm truly sorry," said Laura, "what we put you through was unforgivable. We did back you into a pretty tight corner with no way out. It's not surprising you freaked out. I hope you realise that we only wanted to set you up so you'd agree to go to the church. Kelly did mention that you might react badly, I thought I knew you better, you've obviously changed, or been changed, since we lived together at home."
Joe inclined his head. "Apology accepted. Like I said, I behaved pretty stupidly, today and previously. I assume you have some kind of plan to get us all there by four? Presumably, I have to take all this off, that's going to take some time."
"It's not quite as simple as that," Laura replied. "Yes, we had a timetable, but you derailed that with your diva flounce round the bedroom." Joe blushed. "Look at the bedside clock."
"Oh no!" Kelly gasped, "It's nearly three!"
"The original idea was for Tom Price to send one of his cars around here at about ten minutes to four to collect Kelly and take her to the church," Laura explained, "whilst I took you back to your place to pour you into a suit, and then from there on to St Michaels. But by the time we get you out of the dress, and cleaned up, and then off to your house, I don't think we will have enough time. We can't delay the ceremony, St Michaels has another wedding afterwards and we were shoe-horned in at short notice."
"I'd have about an hour," protested Joe, "surely it's possible?"
"How long will it take to get you out of this and dressed in your own things? Not to mention making your hair presentable, you definitely don't want to appear in church with it looking like that. Fifteen Minutes? Twenty? Then it would be about a twenty five mile round trip to your house then to the church, and you'd have to change into a suit as well. Possible, but you'd have to break a number of speed limits to do it, and on country roads...No. And there'd be no safety margin at all. All you'd need is one slow car, or a truck, or a tractor, or something else, and we wouldn't make it."
"What can we do?" Joe asked her, "Is there anything here I could wear? Maybe of Jamie's?"
Laura spluttered. "I don't think so! Jamie's a fair bit taller than you, and practically all the outfits of his that are here are military ones anyway. The ones that aren't are both Scottish ones, with kilts and sporrans and things. You probably wouldn't be permitted to wear any of them, I shouldn't think. There are a couple of other outfits of his but nothing suitable for a church wedding. Of course, now I think of it, there is another option, but it does involve you in an element of risk."
"Risk? What option?" Joe had visions of hammering on neighbours doors begging a suit. Laura's thoughts, however, had gone in other directions.
"If you think carefully about it," she said, "You are already dressed appropriately for a wedding."
"What! Me? In this?" he grasped a fold of the skirt and waved it. "Impossible. And what about Kelly? Won't it look strange, having two brides at the same wedding?"
Kelly said, "If I had been planning to go in a white dress, there wouldn't have been time to do what we did to you as well as for me to get dressed and made up. Besides which, we didn't have enough time for me to go and find an outfit in the shops or from a designer. This ceremony was organised in a bit of a hurry, you know. So I have a smart off-the-peg suit to wear instead, which is in the other bedroom, ready." She giggled, "Two brides at the same wedding! Reverend Watkins would have a seizure if he thought he was marrying a couple of Lesbians!"
Laura continued, "The risks I spoke of are firstly, that the Reverend will refuse to marry you in that get-up, and secondly, obviously, you are going to have to do it in public, with all that might entail."
"Oh. Yes. And if it gets in the papers..."
"Exactly."
Kelly added, "I tried to get your suit, to bring it here, but you wore it to work yesterday, and I didn't want to just put it in the back of the car when we came here this morning, because you would have asked awkward questions and blown everything."
"Why do I get the feeling I'm being painted into a corner again?" Joe complained. He considered for a moment. "Ah, to hell with it, let's do it. Apart from the whole not-bending-your-arms thing, I'm getting quite comfortable in this outfit. What do we need to do? And can I take the shrug off, anyway? I'd quite like the use of my arms back."
Laura considered for a full twenty seconds. "No, I don't think so," she said slowly. Holding up a hand, she continued, "for two reasons. Firstly, it is getting pretty damn cold out there, and you really can't go without anything on your arms or upper body, especially if you aren't used to wearing such clothes. Secondly, I still don't quite trust you not to do a runner somewhere between here and St Michaels."
Joe bowed his head in acknowledgement. "Fine, I expected that's what you'd say. It occurred to me when you didn't immediately take the shrug off me that you had some reservations. I hope to prove you wrong. I can live with it."
"Oh. Maybe I'm misjudging you, but given how long it's taken to get you this far, you'll excuse me if I wait until you are actually wed before I let you out."
"So," Kelly said brightly, "we have about forty-five minutes for both of us to change, and to get you cleaned up and prepared, before the limo comes."
"I'll go first," Laura said, "while you clean his face up and make him up again. If he's going to go as a bride, we might as well do the whole thing properly."
"Now wait," Joe protested, as Laura opened the bedroom door, "What do you mean, properly?"
Laura gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "Don't worry, we're not setting you up again. It's going to be all right, you'll see."
Kelly grabbed Joe's hand and pulled him back to the stool, seating him so that he was looking at the mirrors on the vanity table. It was the first time he had seen himself since the - incident - and he hadn't realised what a mess he looked, particularly as there had been tears and the mascara had run. Kelly fetched a towel from the en-suite to keep his outfit clean, then got to work with pads and cleaner.
"We might as well start again," she said. Quickly but carefully she began removing most of the makeup, then began re-applying it. After nearly finishing, she exclaimed, "I know!"
"You know what?"
She said, shyly, "I want to do your nails. When you are ready, every part of you will be white apart from your lipstick. Your nails would help to offset some of that whiteness. Would you let me do them for you?"
Joe sighed, "Why not? Everything else has been made over, you might as well do the nails as well."
"You're sure?"
"Yes." He swung his arms up and placed his hands flat upon the vanity table. "That okay for you?"
"I have to do the lipstick first. Then I can check what colour the nails should be, assuming we can find a match in these drawers."
She found a dark-red lipstick which she felt went with his skin colour, and applied it. She wasn't happy with the shape, so she wiped most of it off and had another go, making his mouth a little wider and more shapely. Satisfied, she attacked his nails with tools from the vanity table's drawers.
By the time Laura returned, Kelly had roughly shaped and prepared Joe's nails, and the first coat was nearly dry. Laura was wearing a short, straight, sleeveless charcoal grey business dress under a matching fitted jacket. She had brushed and sprayed her hair into shape, and on top she wore a 'fascinator' composed mostly of black and white feathers. On her feet were black patent court shoes with three-inch heels, and she carried a matching clutch bag.
"I think that's the fastest I've ever got ready for something! I suppose it helped that I knew what we'd be doing, and prepared beforehand, but still - " She realised what Kelly had been doing. "You're doing his nails!"
"It's all right," Kelly soothed, "I asked him first, and he agreed. If you can do a second coat, it will just about be dry by the time the car comes."
Laura walked over to Joe and held up one of his hands for inspection. "I was going to tidy his hair, but, yes, okay, I'll do a second coat." To Joe she said, "You do realise that this varnish isn't going to come off as easily as the war paint?"
"I didn't, but I suppose I should have," replied Joe, "It's not a problem, really. Or at least, we have much bigger problems to worry about before we get to nail varnish."
"Too true," said Laura. To Kelly she said, "Get along and change. I'll take over here."
Kelly left to clean up and put on her own outfit, and Laura started re-applying the varnish. When she had finished, she took the veil off and tidied Joe's hair back into shape. She made him stand and hold his arms out, then unclipped the magnets holding the shrug to the dress and rolled the bottom of the shrug up out of the way.
"What are you doing?" Joe enquired.
"The dress got a bit out of shape during our little wrestling match, so I am putting it tidy again," replied Laura. She undid the remains of the bow, then loosened the rear lacing before undoing the zip and easing the bodice away from Joe's torso. After checking the position and fit of the support bra, she reassembled the dress into position, re-lacing the back, smoothing down the fabric, and retying the big rear bow before easing the wrinkles in the sash ends caused by their impromptu use earlier. Finally, she rolled the shrug back down to a smooth fit before re-attaching it with the magnets.
"You can put your arms back down now - but keep your hands away from the dress!" She turned him around and inspected him. "Kelly did a good job on your face. That lipstick makes quite a bit of difference. Go and look at yourself in the mirror, before I set the veil on your hair again."
Joe went and inspected himself. If you knew it was Joe, you wouldn't be fooled, but if you didn't you probably wouldn't ask too many questions. He went back to Laura, who sat him on the stool again so she could fit the veil.
As she finished, Kelly reappeared again. She was wearing a three piece dark green linen suit composed of jacket, waistcoat and short skirt. The edges of the jacket and waistcoat, plus the flaps of the pockets, and the self-coloured belt which went over the jacket, were picked out by lime green piping. She wore shoes of the suit colour with four-inch heels, and carried a bag of the same fabric as the suit. On her head was a hat of the same colour, like a boater, but with a taller crown. Around the crown was loosely tied a long scarf of lime green net, the ends hanging down her back. She also carried a small posy.
"Wow! You look amazing," said Joe. He rarely had the opportunity to see Kelly when she was properly dressed up, so the effect was magnified.
"You don't look so bad yourself, " she replied, "but remember, I was supposed to be the bride originally." She reached a hand round behind her and captured an end of the net. "This was going to serve as my veil."
When Joe was ready, he realised that he ought to take a pee before leaving for the church. Laura refused to let him out of the shrug, so the three of them went into the en-suite. The women had to raise the dress, net, crinoline and underslip, and then pull down the tights and control brief before lowering Joe carefully onto the bowl, reversing the procedure after he'd finished. Joe felt horribly embarrassed, but Laura pointed out that, man or woman, nobody would have been able to do it without help while wearing the dress and crinoline, and that's just what brides' attendants were there for.
Finally, Laura said, "I have just the thing to finish off the ensemble. It's something I wore at my wedding."
She walked over to her bedside table and opened the small cupboard, retrieving a small jewellery box. She brought it over to Joe and opened it. From within the box she pulled out a cloth, and, unwrapping it, held up a pearl necklace.
"If you are wearing the family wedding dress, you might as well wear the family pearls to go with it." She placed the string round Joe's neck, and after some fiddling because of the collar of the shrug, managed to close the clip. The string wasn't huge, so it fitted snugly round the base of Joe's throat. "Just think yourself lucky we didn't want to make you wear these as well," she commented, holding up a pair of pearl stud earrings. Joe understood that she meant that his ears would have to be pierced, and he flinched.
The door bell rang. Laura looked at the clock and said, "He's a minute early, assuming it's Tom Price, that is. I'll go and open the door. Kelly, throw some cosmetics into your bag in case we need to tidy Joe up, then you can bring him downstairs."
"Oh! Good thinking."
Laura hurried down to the front door and opened it. Tom Price stood there, in a navy double-breasted suit topped off with a chauffeur's cap.
"Mrs Kennedy! Nice to see you. Is Miss McMahon ready? It's cold out, she had better bring a coat."
"Mr Price, there's been a slight change of plan. There will be three of us, not just one. We still want you to go to the church, though."
"That's no trouble, there's plenty of room in the car." He walked off back down the path and stood by the car, ready to open the door when the party arrived.
Kelly had been forced to go downstairs in front of Joe, holding up the front of the crinoline and underslip so that Joe didn't trip, and telling him where to put his feet on each step. At the bottom, Laura stood waiting, a coat in each hand.
Kelly walked Joe to the front door, then said, "Ready? Time to meet the world." She folded the veil down, and Joe was left with his thoughts as they stepped out of the door. Laura shut the door and made sure it was locked, then the two women put on their coats. With each hold one of Joe's hands, carefully, to make sure they didn't smudge the varnish, they led him out to the waiting car. There they faced a problem.
"I think you are going to have to lift the veil a while, or I'll never be able to get in the car," said Joe. With Laura holding up the front, Joe could see enough of the floor and doorway of the car to bend and climb in. Laura followed him in, Mr Price closed the door. Kelly went and seated herself in the front of the limousine.
Mr Price said to her, "I'm a little confused. I thought that you were going to be the one married today, Miss McMahon."
Kelly smiled, "I am, Mr Price. Just like we said."
"But then, why's there another bride in the back? Who is she?"
"It's a long story, Mr Price. It's not a she, it's actually my fiancé, Joe Fletcher, who's in the dress."
Tom Price had seen many things in the years that he had run his hire car company, but he still looked sceptically at Kelly.
"It's true! Look, you had better get started, and I'll fill you in as we go. As I said, it's a long story."
In the back, Laura said to Joe, apologetically, "I'm going to have to do your seatbelt."
Joe was confused until he realised that when the seatbelt was done up he would not be able to release it himself. "Oh. Yes, please do it up for me."
Laura made him comfortable, then, as the dress took up most of the back seat, sat facing Joe on one of the tip-up seats. She tapped on the glass. "We're ready."
*****
The big old Rolls-Royce pulled up at the gate leading to the graveyard which surrounded the parish church of St Michaels. Mr Price got out and let Kelly out, then came around and opened the back door.
Laura said to Joe, "I'll put your veil up so that you can get out of the car, but you can't get out just yet. I'll have to go and explain to people inside what's happening or we'll have a riot."
She positioned Joe's veil so that it stayed up, then spoke to Mr Price. He closed the car door (to keep the heat in) and Kelly and Laura walked together through the yard to the porch of the church. Kelly stopped there while Laura carried on into the church.
After about a minute, she reappeared, accompanied by her and Joe's father. An animated conversation was held between the three, with arms being waved in the direction of the car. Eventually, Kelly disappeared inside the church. Laura remained in the porch while David Fletcher walked out to the car. As he approached, he nodded a greeting to Mr Price, who opened the door. David stuck his head in.
"Joe? Is that really you?"
"I'm afraid so, Dad."
"Laura has given me some strange garbled kind of story. I have to assume this isn't a joke. Are you sure this is what you want?"
"To get married? Definitely."
"Why are you dressed in Laura's wedding dress?"
"We haven't time. Let's just say I was given a severely limited set of options. Can you reach in and undo my seat belt?" Joe held out his stiff arms. "I'm having a little difficulty reaching it myself."
David reached in and popped the seat belt. He offered a hand to Joe, who laboriously climbed out of the old car.
"Mr Price? You might as well come inside the church with us. I doubt if you will ever see another wedding quite like this one. Dad, can you pull the veil down, please? I think it's traditional."
David did so, remarking, "I'm having a hard time adjusting to this. Nobody told me this sort of thing was going to happen when the surprise wedding was announced."
"You think you're having trouble! I was actually in the dress before those two harpies told me! If it's any consolation, this wasn't really supposed to happen." Since Joe's arms couldn't bend, David put one of his round Joe's, and began leading him along the path to the church. "They were just supposed to frighten me before getting me suited and booted and at the church door."
They reached the church door. Laura walked round Joe and smoothed out the folds of the skirt, then check that the veil was properly positioned. Finally, she handed him the posy.
"Right, I'm going in. Since everything's topsy-turvy, I'm going to be Best Woman to Kelly. Dad, treat Joe exactly the way you treated me. Give me a count of thirty and then follow me in."
David waited, then walked Joe up the aisle to the sounds of 'Here comes the Bride'. No-one had seen fit to tell the organist, and anyway it seemed appropriate. There was a considerable amount of noise from the congregation who were trying to work out what was going on. They reached the front, and David awkwardly folded the veil back, and allowed Joe for the first time to see the vicar, Reverend Watkins. He turned slightly to see Kelly standing beside him, her eyes sparkling, with Laura just behind her.
Reverend Watkins leaned forward towards Joe and said in a low voice, "These circumstances seem most irregular. Are you indeed," he referred to a slip of paper he held on top of the Bible, "Joseph Geoffrey Fletcher? Are you a man?"
"Yes, and yes, Reverend."
"Do you truly, of your own free will, wish to get married to this woman? You are not being obliged to do this? You may speak freely to me."
"Yes, Reverend, I most certainly do wish to get married to this woman. With all my heart." Kelly beamed.
"Very well, let us begin." The Reverend resumed his place in front of the couple.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here, in the sight of God and of this congregation, to celebrate the joining together in marriage of this woman, and ahm, this man..."
Despite having been told what was going on, the Reverend preferred to believe the evidence of his own eyes, and on several occasions had to re-prompt the vows after making mistakes. Kelly was obviously a woman; Joe was not obviously a man. David was asked, "Who giveth this woman? I mean, who giveth this man?" which caused gasps amongst the congregation as the penny dropped. There was considerable amusement amongst the women in the congregation when the Reverend made both Joe and Kelly promise to "Love, Honour and Obey". Laura produced two rings, which were blessed and placed on fingers. By the end, the vicar was totally confused, and announced to the congregation, "I now pronounce you woman and husband!" following that by telling Kelly, "You may kiss the bride!".
Another minor problem occurred with signing the register in the vestry, as Joe had difficulty holding a pen. However, he did manage to make a fair imitation of his own signature. The couple returned to the main body of the church to be presented to the congregation, and walked out of the church to the traditional "Wedding March".
There was no organised photographer, but several of the congregation had cameras and wanted to take pictures of the group, who numbered thirty altogether. In fact Tom Price ended up taking some of the pictures so that they could get everyone in. While they were doing this, guests attending the next wedding were gathering, and a lot of puzzled conversation could be heard from that direction. Finally it got too cold and dark to stand outside so everyone retreated to their cars for the journey to the reception.
"Where are we going?" asked Joe.
"We managed to get a function room at the Railway Hotel," his new wife replied, sitting beside him on the back seat of the Rolls. "It's not brilliant, but there was a last minute cancellation, and it was miles closer than the next place that had a room free."
"Who were all those people, anyway?" Joe asked. "I was too cold to notice much outside, and too busy to notice much inside."
"Most of them are my tribe, I'm afraid. That's what happens when you have three brothers and two sisters. Then there's your parents, plus Ben and Toby, and I think there are two of your aunts there, with partners. I'm not sure, I was busy too, if you recall. We didn't have time enough to invite the number of people who should have come. Jamie should have been there, for instance."
"How many are there altogether? Twenty eight? I think that's quite enough, considering the circumstances."
Upon arriving at the Railway Hotel, Laura found them, and she and Kelly conducted Joe into the Ladies rest room, where Laura helped Kelly relieve Joe of the shrug. Faces were checked, then Laura preceded Joe and Kelly through the Hotel to the function room, where the guests were waiting.
Three tables were set out at one end of the rectangular room in a 'U' shape, laid out for the wedding breakfast. In the middle of the room was an area set up as a dance floor, and at the other end was a tiny stage where two or three musicians might have squeezed on. All the guests were lined up around the edge of the dance floor. Laura led Kelly and Joe to the end of the line for the traditional introductions.
Joe discovered that he knew most of them, but got a shock when he reached the end of the line, because facing him was Andy Green, his best friend, and the person Laura and Kelly had originally asked to be his Best Man! Joe's face turned deep red.
"Andy. I, er, didn't expect to see you here."
Andy grinned broadly. "I did, since Laura told me of the surprise wedding set-up and asked me to be the Best Man. I was going to do it, and all, till Laura came running into the church and said the plans had changed. But it was still a helluva shock seeing you waltz down the aisle in a cloud of white! It's gonna cost you to keep this quiet."
Joe groaned, but Laura said to Andy, "It's not his fault. I mean he's not responsible. I'll say something when we sit down. Until then, give him the benefit of the doubt, hey? I'm sure we can work something out."
Andy shrugged, "Fine, no problem. I had some difficulty thinking Joe could pull off a stunt like that on his own, anyway."
Laura turned to the guests and said, "Please be seated." The guests obliged.
When everyone was settled in the right place, Laura stood up and dinged her glass for attention.
"Thank you. Thank you, everyone for coming. I know it's traditional for the Best Man to make a speech after the food, but today's ceremony was, as we all know, somewhat different from what we were all expecting. So I want to say a few words beforehand, and leave the traditional speech for afterwards.
"You all have to understand that poor Joe is the victim of circumstances, however much he seems to be enjoying the situation now. The basic idea was for Kelly and I to attempt to show him how Kelly wanted to feel on her wedding day, and then to spring the wedding on him when his resistance was lowest. Let's just say there were certain... complications... and we basically just ran out of time. Joe had no time to go and get a proper suit, and he was already in the dress, so he consented to come dressed as he was. We decided to reverse the roles, so that's why I am acting as Best Woman and poor Andy over there ended up as a bystander instead. I think what I am saying is that Joe's not a pervert, or mentally deranged, or anything like that, he just didn't have a lot of options, and if you want to blame anyone, aim your words at Kelly and me instead. Everyone happy with that?"
She continued, "Because of the circumstances, there's going to be talk, and I would ask you to try and save Joe from embarrassment if you can. Please don't talk to anyone in detail about the wedding outside this room. If you get asked, just say the minimum. Don't talk to anyone from the papers or TV. Don't show any photos to anyone outside family, and if they ask, explain clearly what happened, but don't overdo it. Joe's still got to have a life after today, we can help him and Kelly best by playing it softly. Thank you."
Laura shifted her attention to the hotel staff, who stood waiting at one of the room's entrances. "You can start serving now."
The meal was taken from the hotel's evening menu, as there hadn't been time to set a special one up. However, since the time of the meal and the numbers had been known in advance, the food was hot, fresh and properly-cooked. Joe was consistently called "Madam" by the serving staff. Several napkins had been pinned to the front of the dress by Laura to prevent any accidents, but Joe ate carefully enough to avoid any. He also had to eat sparingly, since the tight underwear didn't allow room for larger portions.
A small two-tier cake had been procured from a local bakers, and Joe and Kelly cut it to flashes from a number of guests' cameras.
After the cake had been passed around came the toasts and speeches. Laura got up again, and being Joe's older sister, knew enough about him to make a memorable speech and cause much laughter. Both fathers stood up and made speeches, one as father of the bride, and one as father of the other bride. Then the tables were cleared and dismantled, and the chairs moved back to the edge of the room.
There had been no time to arrange musicians or a DJ, but one of the younger McMahons turned out to have a significant music collection on an MP3 player, which he coupled to a large ghetto-blaster up on the tiny stage. Joe led Kelly out onto the floor for the traditional first dance.
"No! I think I should do the lead. You're the one wearing the dress, after all."
"Suits me. Under all this lot, no-one can see what my feet are doing anyway. Where do you want me to place my hands?"
The waltz started, and the couple glided around the floor accompanied by more camera flashes.
"Hmm. I think some of those people are going to have some explaining to do, if they show those pictures to other people," said Joe.
"It's worse than that, I suspect some of them still haven't worked out what's going on yet. Still, they all seem to be having a good time, and since Laura made that explanation at the start, we haven't had any black looks from anyone."
"How about you? I'm sorry, I seem to have robbed you of your big day, which is ironic considering how you started off this morning trying to convince me how important it was to you."
"I'll manage. In fact, I don't think I'd have missed today for all the world, even though you ended up the centre of attention instead of me."
"Centre of attention is right! A man's just not used to that much, unless he's just about to become President or King or something like that. I feel like I've been walking round with huge arrows pointed at me, under a big sign saying 'look at the idiot'," said Joe ruefully.
"Don't worry," Kelly soothed, "Tonight will come soon enough. You're enjoying yourself, aren't you?"
"Immensely!"
"Then just soak it all up, which is what a proper bride would do. You'll have memories very few men will be able to equal."
The dance ended, and the two walked back to their seats to applause. When they got there, the two fathers approached and Joe's father lead Kelly back onto the dance floor. Joe was unprepared when Kelly's father Sean asked Joe to dance with him!
"You want to dance with me?"
"Oh, yes," grinned Sean, "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. After all, if you're the bride, and Kelly's the groom, the groom's father gets to dance with the bride, doesn't he?" He led Joe out onto the floor for another waltz.
"You dance daintily, my dear," Sean remarked as they began to move round the room.
Joe grinned ruefully, "I don't have much option, I can only take small steps. The girls made me wear this close-fitting underslip thing. They told me that it was to keep my legs warm. I suspect the real reason was to stop me running away."
"And that jacket thing you were wearing in the church looked a bit odd, too."
"The shrug? Oh, yes, that was carefully modified, all right. I was properly mousetrapped, I can tell you. Still, I bear them no ill-will. I've exasperated everyone long enough over this wedding, I think my job is mostly at fault, it screwed with my priorities. I deserved everything the girls did to me. I think it turned out well for everyone in the end, I've enjoyed most of the day myself so far."
"I've certainly enjoyed it. I'm not sure the good lady wife has, though. When Kelly walked into the church on her own and just stood at the altar, she started getting upset. Then when you appeared, complete with organ music, I don't think she knew whether to have a fit of the vapours, or storm out of the church in a huff. I suspect she'll not approve of me having this dance with you either. Well, you know Christine, it's where Kelly gets her temper from."
"I do indeed." Joe sighed. "Do you think she'd improve if I offered to dance with her?"
"What? A dance with the bride? No, no, keep it low-key for maybe a week or two till it's just memory, then come round and visit. She'll have calmed down by then. I hope."
A bit later on, Sean remarked, "Do you suppose you might wear a frock or two in the future?"
Joe stopped so suddenly he almost yanked Sean from his feet. After apologising, they resumed the dance.
"Wow! What a question. You should know, sir, that this is the first day I have ever worn women's clothing and under most peculiar circumstances, too. It's not an idea that has ever crossed my mind. However, after today's experience, it might cross my mind in the future, I suppose. Not for a long while, I want to get properly settled with Kelly first."
The music ended, and the two couples returned to their seats, where they promptly swapped fathers.
"Is this okay with you, Joe?" his father asked, as he led Joe back out.
"I suppose so, Dad. Or should I call you Daddy?"
David Fletcher looked startled. "You call me what you like, while you're dressed like that. Your mother was disappointed she didn't have anything to do with getting you ready. After the shock of seeing you in white had subsided, she quite fancied the idea of getting another daughter prepared for the big day. And I must admit, I quite enjoyed giving you away, even though it was on the spur of the moment. Pity there's only you and your sister."
"Yes, the Fletchers aren't like the McMahons, siblings and relatives in all directions. Probably a good thing, given the circumstances. Arranging a quick wedding like this would have been next to impossible."
His father nodded. "Yes. Still, we got our money's worth out of that dress, at the very least."
"Glad to be of help," Joe said, sarcastically, "You do know this wasn't my idea?"
"Yes, I talked to Laura before you arrived here. Your secret's safe with me."
"And twenty-eight other people. And the vicar. And Tom Price. And the hotel people."
"Don't worry about them. The hotel staff are trained to ignore strange goings-on in the hotel. Tom Price won't talk, and I'm not convinced that Reverend Watkins really figured out what was going on. And the guests here, well, Laura's speech should have stopped any rumours flying."
Some time later, while the younger guests were dancing to something energetic, Sean McMahon came and sat by Joe.
"You were telling me about your work, when we were dancing. Now, it's Haskell's you work for, isn't it?"
"Yes, that's right."
"What exactly is it you do there? I might have an idea."
"Well, it's mostly industrial sub-assemblies and switching units, both prototype and production. I manage some of the procurement, production and testing of the modules that we make."
"Ah. Well, there's this chap I know runs a company in a similar line, he's looking for people like you. Have you heard of a firm called Black Lake Engineering?"
"Why, yes, they've competed with Haskell's on some recent contracts."
"I happen to know, from this chap, that he treats his employees much better than the outfit that runs Haskell's does. It sounds from what you've said, today and in the past, that you've been getting pressured, and that's why you couldn't sort out a wedding date. If you like, I could speak to him and sort out a meeting."
"I'd like that. Yes, I think I would. I'm getting to the stage where I think I've just about had enough of Haskell's methods. Thank you, Mr McMahon. I think that will make Kelly very happy, as well."
"I'm just sad I didn't think of it before today. It might have saved you from having to wear the frock. As you're part of my family now, I hope we can keep in closer contact in the future, avoid some of these unpleasantnesses."
"The frock isn't unpleasant, Mr McMahon! Quite the contrary."
"I meant your job. It's quite plain you're enjoying being the centre of attention here."
Eventually, the drink, the music and the talk began to run out, and it was time to leave. David phoned Tom Price to pick the couple up. Laura accompanied Kelly and Joe to the ladies' rest room where Joe was cheerfully helped back into the shrug for the journey home. The couple climbed into the back of the Rolls and they departed to waves from the guests.
"Where are you taking me now?"
"Oh, back to Laura's. She was very insistent that she got the dress back."
"Where is she, by the way?"
"Well, she couldn't exactly come with us, could she? No, she's going with your Mum and Dad and the two boys. They'll meet us at her house."
"Oh. And then we change and go home?"
"Not quite. We'll be staying in the guest room tonight, and then go back to our place tomorrow morning to pack some bags."
"You've arranged a honeymoon as well? I'm impressed."
"Don't get your hopes up. It was short notice, and I can't afford much time off from my job at this time of year."
"Where are we going? Or is it a surprise?"
"Do you remember that hotel in Salthaven we went to a few months after we met? I've got us booked in there for a week. They couldn't manage tonight, so that's why we stay at Laura's."
"The coast at this time of year isn't going to be much fun. We'll be able to walk along the beach in twenty wind chill and watch the icebergs."
"If you remember the place, there are other things we could do that don't involve frostbite. Besides which, I hadn't planned on going out very much."
"Ah, no, I suppose you hadn't."
"What will you do about your job?"
"I'll phone from the hotel Monday morning. The way I feel at the moment, if they complain, I'll tell them to go take a flying leap. Your dad thinks my skills are in demand amongst firms that aren't slave-drivers."
The Rolls pulled up outside Laura's house, followed a minute later by Joe's parents' car. Laura led the way into the house, and Kelly and Joe brought up the rear. Laura asked her parents to keep the boys amused downstairs while 'we three girls' went upstairs to the master bedroom to change. The room was still in disarray from their hurried departure. The two girls pulled the shrug off Joe's arms, and he flexed them in relief.
"You know, nice though this outfit has been, parts of me are beginning to think they don't want to wear it much longer. I'm just not used to wearing tight underwear like you two are," commented Joe. He added, "You didn't wear this shrug, did you? I've finally realised the sleeves would be much too long for you."
"No, I didn't wear it. If you remember, a few months ago, Kelly came round and helped me clear out the fourth bedroom so Toby could have it."
"I remember."
"The wedding dress was in there, and I got it out to send it to the cleaners. Kelly wanted to see it so she made me put it on. That's when I discovered the bodice wouldn't fit because my breasts had filled out. Anyway, we got out the shrug and discovered that the knitted lining had perished. I put it on all the same, to show Kelly, and that's when we discovered that I couldn't get it off easily because the fibres had all stiffened up or something. That's when Kelly had her brilliant idea."
"To set me up?"
"Yes. Kelly had realised that you and I were almost the same size. You're that bit taller, but not enough to make a difference. I had some of the material left over from the dress, originally to make christening robes out of, so we went back to the designer and got her to make another shrug, one that fitted you, with some extra fittings in it."
Kelly continued the story, "It was a good idea because it gave us a number of options. We could do what we did, and show you what being a bride was like, and we could corner you if that didn't work. And that's exactly what happened, although we didn't for a moment expect that you would end up going to church wearing it all."
"How much else of what I'm wearing was what you said it was? You were most convincing in the bedroom."
Laura said, "Most of what I said was true. The control brief was bought for you, as were the sandals. Some cosmetics. I modified the underslip. We put an extra layer in the veil to make sure you couldn't see out. The rest was as advertised."
"How did you know I'd fit everything?"
Kelly looked smug. "You sometimes sleep really deeply. I went all over you with a tape measure over several nights to get all the measurements we needed."
"I never stood a chance, did I?"
"Nope," the two women said simultaneously.
*****
Joe was in the bathroom of the guest suite, naked, drying his face with a towel. Kelly, also naked, walked in and held him from behind, her hands coiling around his waist, her cheek resting on his back. She looked at the pair of them reflected in the mirror.
"Urgh! I've got my dim, lumbering man back!"
"I might be dim, but I was hardly lumbering, out there on the dance floor."
"Yes, you were pretty good. Oh," she said, running her hands over his chest, "there are dents and grooves all over from the bones in the support bra."
"No lasting damage, fortunately. I'll be smooth again in an hour or two."
"Do you think you might do it again?"
"Get married? No, I don't think so. One wife is more than enough trouble."
"Oaf!" She thumped him in the ribs. "You know what I mean! Wear a dress. You did look good today."
He put down the towel and rotated in her grip so that they were facing. "You know, your father asked me that very same question, while we were dancing."
"Is that why you stopped suddenly? I thought you'd stepped on the crinoline."
"With that underslip? No chance. He asked me, and I'll give you the same answer I gave him. I've never ever considered it before, but after today's experience, I might do so in the future. But not till we're settled down properly."
"Fair enough." She put her head on his chest, and looked at their reflection in the mirror. Suddenly she gave a wicked laugh.
"What have I done now?"
"I can't wait to see the hotel receptionist's face when she hands you a pen to sign the register with and catches sight of those nails!"
Disclaimer: The original characters and plot of this story are
the property of the author. No infringement of pre-existing copyright
is intended. All characters and places mentioned are fictitious.
This story is copyright (c) 2008 by Penny Lane. All rights reserved.
Comments
Awwwww
This story was cute mew ^^ I'm surprised the reverend didn't throw a hissy fit, but good he didn't, I'm honestly sick of all that "christian" BS right now mew.
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I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Bisexual, transsexual, gamer girl, princess, furry that writes horror stories and proud ^^
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Reverend Watkins
I envisaged him as about 65-70, thick glasses, saintly, you know the type. Probably led too sheltered a life to even know what cross-dressing was.
I wouldn't be too sure of that!
Most Reverends, priests etc wear long robes, and when they get higher in the church especially Roman Catholics, Church of England, they wear beautiful robes fit for a Queen! (which quite a few of them are)!
LoL
Rita
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)
LoL
Rita
Welcome
I've read and enjoyed some of your stories on another site. I'm glad that you've started posting here. I think you will find that your stories will be appreciated on BCTS.
Don't believe in Ultimatums
Hi Penny,
Speaking for myself, I stopped reading when he gave in to marrying and admitted blame, after what they did. Up to that point I was enjoying the story. Personally I would have tried to break the boning by hitting it on anything hard i could. Failing that or not being able, I'd have agreed to their deamands, and once freed cut them both out of my life permanently. That's me, and I don't believe in ultimatums...and yes its only a story :)
Having said that, I have read you stories before and know I've enjoyed them, and look forward to more. I'm not criticizing the writing, but his acquiescence to blackmail. Once I lost sympathy/respect for his character I didn't care anymore.
HUGS!
Frank
Dem bones
I have been a seamstress for some years and have started recently to make myself corsets for a long-standing back problem. Let me assure you, with 1/4" steel bones you are not going to do much damage to them without damaging the person underneath.
Thought experiment: the only way I can think to do it would be to wedge a knife somewhere suitable and use it to rip the sleeve lengthways from the bottom to above the elbow, somehow avoiding ripping your arm at the same time...
As for giving in, I both agree with you and disagree with you. I don't think, personally, that I would take kindly to that level of coercion, but plainly there are people in the world who would, for any one of a large number of reasons. If there weren't we wouldn't have half so many TG/TS stories, after all. Don't forget that Joe did want to get married, it's just that he is a paid-up member of the prevaricator's club... if he could be bothered.
Finally, no ficticious character was harmed during the writing of this story!
Penny
LOL
I did consider that breaking of the arms at the same time as the dress...however it would have still made the point to them even if he didn't succeed in freeing himself.
I just don't think it is the best way to start a marriage and was a major breach of his trust in both of them. Like I said, it is just story and I know you write quite well, and will more than likely enjoy the next one all the way to the finish. :)
Hugs
Frank
Alternate scenarios
I enjoyed this story - yes, it was fairly improbable, and Kelly / Laura didn't plan sufficient time to get Joe properly ready before the wedding, but hey, a certain amount of improbability is needed otherwise you wouldn't have a decent story. Organising a shotgun wedding without the dressup session would have been a fairly boring tale!
The most probable alternate scenario would have been for the wedding to have been scheduled a couple of hours later - so giving Joe a chance to change beforehand. Perhaps even enough time to have a mock ceremony upstairs beforehand. To keep it interesting, Joe could, for example, have been persuaded to keep the panties on (since they wouldn't be discovered by others) and/or encouraged to wear a nightgown to bed. Anything approaching regular crossdressing probably wouldn't work with these characters - but occasional, private, joint forays into soft fabrics could. As with the main story, the last minute reception, job offer, and emergency honeymoon could be kept, and would also open the doors to a more relaxed relationship between Joe and Kelly.
Alternatively, you could possibly get away without the shotgun aspect by the two girls watching Joe like a hawk as he organised everything immediately after getting changed again. Perhaps while dressed he confesses what slave drivers his current employers are, and perhaps it's time to look for other employers with a better relationship with their employees. Possible, but IMHO weaker than the first scenario.
Then there's the Vickie Tern / StaceyInLove style alternative, whereby the story happens more or less as above, but no male clothes are packed for the honeymoon... (ugh! Not my cup of tea, but some would undoubtedly enjoy it...)
--Ben
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Because Of The Way It Was Done
If I had been in Joe's shoes I would have flat out refused to marry Kelly that day after that stunt. I would have made her sweat for a while until she realized what a mistake she had made. Granted, Joe would marry her , but it would be on a day where he at least had some say in it. It would have been quite a mess if a cop had responded to Joe's cries of help. Laura and Kelly would have been jailed for unlawful imprisonment. That would have really thrown things into chaos. I dislike any kind of situation where someone is forced to do something by someone who claims to love them. I know that Joe gave in because he felt like he had no choice, but I still think Kelly and Laura did a pretty dirty thing. There should have been a lot more anger and more remorse. What would have happened if Joe had seriously hurt himself? They would not have been able to live with themselves. I know it is just a story, but I think the reactions to the situation just don't follow human nature.
Just a small question please Penny?
Just after Laura and Kelly had come back and given Joe a coffee after having him dressed in the wedding dress for the first time.
Joe said:
"I've been incredibly stupid, haven't I?" he said. "I'm sorry, really sorry, I had my priorities completely wrong. I let that job get on top of me. Sometimes it gets difficult remembering what's important, and what's not. I'll get married to you, today, if you'll still have me. I'll even go like this if that's what it takes."
Then you went through all the rigmarole of convincing him there was no time etc. etc.
He had just committed to doing it as he was?
I enjoyed the story in general but thought some areas weren’t thought through well logically; for what it's worth!
Keep up the good work; some of your other stories are great!
LoL
Rita
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)
LoL
Rita
Hm interesting story, but
Hm interesting story, but the priest was rather stupid ;)
Thinking about this... The theologists are some of the worst partygoers at university... They ought to know what a crossdresser is ;)
A crossdressing wedding... actually a rather funny idea, if you can get the bride to accept.
Thank you for writing this funny story,
Beyogi
My husband wore a wedding dress on our big day - picture
There are all sorts of rules we are meant to abide by when it comes to weddings: don't be late, don't wear white and do not, under any circumstances, upstage the bride on her big day. Especially if you are the groom.
But You Yao wasn't a bit bothered when her brand new husband dressed as the bride on their wedding day.
You Yao and her husband Sun Bin
Happy couple switch their clothing for wedding pictures, Xi'an, Shaanxi, China - Apr 2012
A couple in China exchanged their identities when shooting their wedding pictures, so the groom wore the wedding dress while the bride wore the dinner jacket.You Yao and her husband Sun Bin shot the wedding pictures last April, and only publicized it recently on their one-year marriage anniversary."After keeping the pictures secret for a year, we want to share it with friends," said You Yao."As taking the wedding pictures is once-in-a-lifetime thing, we want to make them special." You Yao explained why she and her husband switched their identities in taking the pictures.
© Rex Features
The couple, who married in China in April last year, decided to swap bridal outfits while having pictures taken on their big day, so while You Yao donned a dinner jacket and bow tie, her husband Sun Bin slipped into her gown and veil.
They only let their friends and family in on the prank a year on, to celebrate their first anniversary. You Yao said: "After keeping the pictures secret for a year, we wanted to share them with friends.
"As taking the wedding pictures is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, we wanted to make them special. My husband is extremely caring to me and whatever my demand is, he'll try his best to meet it.
"He is not a romantic person but he would agree with my every little request. For example, I raised the novel idea of taking wedding pictures with switching our identities and he agreed without hesitation."
She added proudly: "Luckily I married a person who loves me very much."
And we think it's fair to say, not many men could carry off a veil quite like Sun Bin.
http://www.reveal.co.uk/real-life-stories/news/a398411/my-hu...
https://mewswithaview.wordpress.com/