The Halsteaders are in need of a real mom when they get sick. Can Michelle step up and be the woman they need? Or is she content to be a pretend mom.   Mike versus Michelle: Part 16 Swine Flu By Sharon Parsons

The rest of my first summer as Mrs. Michelle Halsteader was a blast. It was real, but it wasn't real life. If anything, I was playing a serious game of house. I wasn't a good wife to Dave and I was about as close to being unfit mother as you can get.

Being a wife and mother was like wearing a costume and I was the best dressed mom on the block.

Dave and I still hadn't consummated our marriage, so I was still a virgin. I suspected he took care of his needs by taking matters into his own hands the way I took care of my own needs.

The one thing I did do right was to keep a tidy house and feed my family. I took great pride in keeping a clean house and cooking for my family. But I wasn't what I'd call a real loving person and I wasn't into making sacrifices. I was more about showing off to Cam and Tony.

Was it blatant? I hope not, but in my heart I knew what I was doing and it wasn't right.

Dave gave up on trying to quit smoking about two weeks before school started. He said that since we were both going to be smoking, it didn't make sense to buy two different brands of cigarettes. As the man of the house, he made a decision and we both became Winston smokers. Strangely enough, I didn't mind the switch. I thought it was romantic that my husband and I both smoked the same brand of cigarettes. If they were good enough for Dana, they were good enough for me.

How did Cam and Gary feel I wondered, seeing me in their mother's clothes, smoking her cigarettes, and sleeping with their father? I think they were very confused, because I know I certainly was.

Dr. Martha said my charade was like a drug. She said I was addicted to it and I was under the false impression that I liked it. Sooner or later, she said, its all going to come crashing down on you, and when it does, you won't get the same thrill.

I hoped she was wrong because I was enjoying myself too much. But she wasn't wrong and it all came crashing down a week after school started back.

*****

My life changed at 3:30 AM on a Tuesday. Dave and I were fast asleep. I woke up because I felt a tug on my nightgown. I opened my eyes to see Gary at the side of the bed.

I wasn't happy to see him. I'd made it very clear to both him and Cam that I didn't want either of them in my bedroom for any reason- unless there was a fire or something like that.

I asked Gary why he was awake.

"I can't sleep," he whined. "I don't feel good."

I'm ashamed to admit I wasn't very sympathetic at first. While I enjoyed playing the part of a mother, I lacked a mother's instinct and sense of affection. Gary was bothering me and the sooner I got him back to his bed the sooner I could get back to sleeping.

"I think you'll feel a lot better if you sleep it off. Why don't you try going back to bed and closing your eyes."

"Can I sleep with you and Daddy?"

"No. I don't think thats a good idea. None of us will get any sleep. The bed isn't big enough for three people."

"Pleeaasse," he whined.

"Oh alright, but be quiet or you'll wake your father."

Gary climbed over me and landed softly between me and Dave.

"Thanks Mommy."

"You're welcome honey. Now try to go to sleep so you'll feel better in the morning. You don't want to miss school, do you?"

"Do I have to go to school?"

"We'll see how you feel in the morning?"

"Okay Mommy."

That was the second time in a minute that Gary had called me "Mommy". Up until then, he'd always called me Michelle. He hadn't gone to his dad's side of the bed. He'd come to mine. He woke me up to tell me he was hurting. He didn't tell his dad. I was shocked.

I was still thinking about Gary when I heard him grunt and felt him lurch. I felt something wet and warm on the back of my neck. He'd thrown up in bed. He'd thrown up on me. I heard him cry. Dave woke up.

"What's wrong," asked Dave? "Gary, why are you here buddy?'

"I don't feel good Daddy."

"He just threw up," I said as I sat up in bed.

I've never been a fan of vomit, especially other people's. I didn't like it in my hair. I couldn't go back to sleep with vomit in my hair or in my bed. I thought about that, but not for too long. It was the look on Gary's face and the pain in his voice that made me think more about him than about myself.

One look at Dave told me he wasn't going to be much help. He was obviously concerned about Gary, but he also looked helpless. Sick kids were outside his jurisdiction.

I helped Gary out of bed and led him to the bathroom. I soaked a wash cloth and wiped away the vomit from his cheeks. I helped him take off his pajamas and then I wrapped a clean towel around his shoulders. I told him to sit by the toilet until he felt better and that I'd come back for him in a minute or two.

I returned to the bedroom with an armful of clean sheets. I asked Dave to get out of bed while I changed it. I ripped off the soiled sheets and put them in the dirty clothes hamper.

Judging by the clock on the nightstand, it took me less than three minutes to put clean sheets on the bed.

I told Dave to get back in bed and I'd help Gary.

"Are you sure?" he asked as he climbed back into bed.

"Go back to sleep," I said. "I can do it."

Dave didn't argue with me. He just thanked me and laid back down.

I went upstairs and got a clean pair of pajamas out of Gary's drawer and helped him get into them. I had him sit on my bed while I took his temperature. He had a fever of 103 degrees.

"Looks like you're not going to school tomorrow sweetheart. You've got a fever. Does anything else hurt besides your tummy?"

****

I gave him some tylenol and had him eat a couple crackers to settle his stomach. After he had a drink of water, I laid him down in the middle of the bed between Dave and I.

Gary fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I stayed up and had a cigarette and thought about what had happened.

I did what I did for Gary because I genuinely felt sympathy for him. He looked so pathetic. I wanted to help him. I needed to help him. I reached over and brushed the hair on his forehead. He was warm and sweaty. I knew I'd have to call the doctor if he still had a fever in the morning.

****

Gary still had a fever in the morning. Out of curiosity, I stuck an instant thermometer in Cam's ear while he was eating breakfast. I thought he looked kind of bad and I was right. He had a fever too.

"I wondered why I felt so bad," said Cam, after I told him what his temperature was.

I told Cam that I wanted him to stay home with Gary and that I'd take them both to the doctor later that morning.

I also took mine and Dave's temperature but we were both fine.

Dave had to go to work. I kissed him goodbye and wished him a good day. He said he'd call later to check on the boys.

I sat down at the table with the boys and lit a cigarette. Even though I was wearing a silky nightgown and smoking, I didn't have an erection. I wondered why? I also wondered what my mother would do. Was I doing it right? I picked up the phone and called her.

Mom answered the phone and told me she'd just gotten Tony off to school and Dad off to work. She was glad I called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together.

I told her about Gary and Cam having fevers. She agreed with me that the temperature was high and that I should make a doctor's appointment for them. I heard her light a cigarette over the phone and the sound of her lighter clicking made me reach for my case. My erection returned. I was aroused by the idea of smoking while talking to my mom over the phone. Talking about our boys and our husbands made me feel so "mom-like".

After hanging up with my mom, I made an appointment with our family doctor- Dr. Limpke. I didn't like Dr. Limpke and he didn't like me. There was still bad blood between us. He never came right out and said it, but I knew he thought I was stupid for taking up smoking and transitioning into a woman. Of course he wasn't the only one who thought I was stupid for doing those things. Whenever I saw him, I found myself agreeing with his assessment of me. Just being in his presence made me feel bad about myself, but I sucked it up and put the boys' needs in front of my own.

****

After waiting for an hour to see him, and another hour for him to confirm some tests, Dr. Limpke gave me the bad news. Of course it sounded worse than it really was, but I didn't like it regardless.

Dr. Limpke said the boys both had H1N1 or Swine Flu. Since both the boys were in good health, their lives weren't threatened, but he said they should expect a miserable week. He said there'd be coughing, sore throats, diarrhea, vomiting, and basically the works. He prescribed Zanamivir and rest. He also said I shouldn't be surprised if Dave and I came down with it because it was very contagious.

****

Dr. Limpke was right. My whole family got sick with H1N1, though not at the same time. Dave came down with it five days later, just as the boys were starting to get over their bout.

I went from caring for sick boys to caring for a sick husband. Dave felt so terrible that he gave up smoking. So in a way, the Swine Flu was almost a blessing for him.

Taking care of sick people is a lot of work. I never really thought about it when I was a boy living at home. My mom always took care of me though, even when she was sick her self. As a boy, I had been so self-centered and preoccupied with my self that I never gave any thought to her feelings, but as I took care of my family, I found inspiration in her actions.

I was unselfish for the first time in my life. I had to be, because my family needed me. They were depending on me to make everything better.

My mom wanted to help but I wouldn't let her come near the house. I didn't want her to catch it or bring it back to Tony or Dad.

I started getting a cough about three days after Dave got sick with it. There was a run of about three days where we both felt like we were going to die at the same time, but I was the one that had to be strong for all of us.

I had to be strong like a woman. I had to, because my family needed for me to be. Cam and Tony tried to help when they got home from school, but neither Dave or myself wanted to be a burden. I was fine with them bringing me an occasional glass of water, but I didn't want them to get behind their on homework. I was also afraid they'd catch it again and I didn't want to nurse my family through another relapse.

While I was sick, Dave and the kids really got on my case about smoking. Dave had quit, so the kids held it over my head. They'd say, if Dad can quit, so can mom. But I couldn't quit.

Talk about feeling stupid. I was coughing my lungs up from the flu but I was still puffing on those nasty Winstons. It hurt to smoke but it felt worse when I didn't. It was a lose/lose situation. I didn't feel very sexy or strong. I felt like a nicotine addict with the flu. I felt so bad I wanted to die.

As bad as I felt, I couldn't lay down and rest all day. That was when I learned that mothers can't take vacations or get sick. Someone has to wash the clothes, cook the meals, and basically run the house. Dave and the boys did their best to help, but there were just some things I had to do by myself. Either the boys didn't know how to do it or Dave could, but he was to sick too! That left me.

Dave was back on his feet during my last three days of wanting to die. He was a tremendous help, because by then I was too worn out to help myself. He did a great job of picking up my slack.

Dave and the boys took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself.

As bad as I felt from the flu, I had another set of feelings to deal with and they were entirely emotional.

The flu had changed our family dynamics because it had changed me. The flu didn't kill off my crossdressing or smoking urges. But it had nurtured a motherly instinct in me that didn't exist before Gary got sick in my bed.

Every decision I had made in the past was based on sexual arousal. There was now more to me than that. I had fallen in love with Dave and the boys and they had fallen in love with me. For the first time since it all began, I truly wanted to quit smoking because I wanted to quit smoking for them.

The feeling of sexual arousal came back as my health improved. But the arousal was hampered by feelings of guilt and shame. I was angry at myself for not being able to quit smoking. It was both a physical and a mental addiction for me.

I was too sick to remember the exact day that happened, but Cam started calling me "Mom". It was mom this and mom that. I'm not sure if he made a conscious decision to make the change. Maybe hearing Gary say it affected him. Perhaps it was his subconscious at work, but regardless of how or why it happened, it happened. I had become Cam and Gary's mother.

My relationship with Dave changed too. I was no longer thinking of him as my ex-best friend's father. I was starting to think of him as my husband and I was falling in love with him.

What was I supposed to do about these feelings? I wasn't a mom and I wasn't a wife. I was just a very confused 17 year old boy. I wasn't supposed to have feelings like this.

My logic was contradicting. In the eyes of the law I was Dave Halsteader's wife and that meant I was Cam and Gary's step-mother. Being something and feeling something are two different things- and now they were coming together and it scared the hell out of me.

I lit a cigarette and looked into the mirror as I put my make-up on. My mother's face looked back at me. Is this what it really feels like to be her, I wondered? My little game of make-believe had begun to swallow me whole.