This chapter covers the next eight weeks of my life after first meeting Dr. Martha and ends with the start of summer vacation. Because I was being home schooled, summer vacation didn't mean as much to me as it did to my friends. I called them my friends back then, but obviously our relationship changed.   Mike versus Michelle: Part 10 Coming Out By Sharon Parsons

This chapter covers the next eight weeks of my life after first meeting Dr. Martha and ends with the start of summer vacation. Because I was being home schooled, summer vacation didn't mean as much to me as it did to my friends. I called them my friends back then, but obviously our relationship changed.

My 15th birthday was in April, and as promised, Mom bought me a sophisticated looking leather cigarette case like hers. As sad as it sounds, that was a very big deal to me. My feelings about smoking have changed a lot since I started. I imagine most smokers will tell you the same thing if you ask them.

The other big thing that coincided with my 15th birthday was that I got breast implants! Now that is something I don't regret! I love them and so does my husband! Dr. Martha was right about the connection between my body image and my self-esteem.

I was seeing Dr. Martha on a weekly basis. I was also working very hard at home on getting my high school equivalency degree. At the same time, I was working a part time job that Dr. Martha helped me get.

Dr. Martha got me a cashier job at a grocery store. It was close to our house so it wasn't much trouble for one of my parents to drop me off and pick me up. Being dependent on my parents for transportation made me lust for a driver's license, which at that time was still a year away. But since I mentioned it, this is a good time to tell you that Dr. Martha walked my mother through the steps of legally changing my name from Michael to Michelle. I was really looking forward to seeing my feminine name on an official driver's license!

My relationship with my family was going well. Mom and I had become closer and closer. Tony and my father were both accepting and supportive of me. Lord knows my father dropped a lot of cash on my problems. Its expensive for a boy to become a woman. The changes to my bedroom cost almost as much as my breasts! And I haven't said a thing about the clothes yet.

Mom says I have excellent tastes in clothes- like her. I mostly like skirts and Capri pants, and sleeveless tops. Dad just says my tastes are expensive. My wardrobe wasn't over the top, but I felt great wearing the styles that my mother and her friends were wearing.

Mom and I got a lot of deals on my clothes at discount stores like Target and Old Navy. But my favorite source was Mrs. Holsteader's closet.

Dana Holsteader and I were the same size once I got my breast implants. She was the first neighbor/friend that my mother and I told. I had known her for as long as I'd known Cam. And I had known Cam since we were four. So Mrs. Holsteader had been like a second mother to me. I think I already told you about the summer vacations my family took with her family in their cabin up in the mountains.

Mrs. Holsteader was my best friend's mother, so I had a lot riding on whether or not she'd accept me as the woman I wanted to be. The funny thing is that I didn't really need to worry about her or most of my mother's other friends. They were all very excited for me.

I talked to Dr. Martha about the friendships I was making with my mother's friends and she cautioned me by saying a lot of women get a thrill from seeing a male feminized. We talked a bit about how that made me feel when they oohed and ahhed over me like they did. I told her that it was humiliating in some ways but that it was also very exciting for me. She said that in that case, I should enjoy it for what it was, because I needed female friends.

Of all my mother's friends, Dana Holsteader was by far the most important to me. She never once humiliated me, even though I secretly hoped she would. However, she was very disapproving of my smoking, at least for the first couple months. As a matter of fact all of my mother's friends gave me a hard time about it at first. But by the time summer started, they had all pretty much gotten used to the sight of me lighting up beside them at bridge games, tupperware parties, and at the neighborhood pool.

I learned a lot about being a woman from my mother, but I also learned a lot from spending time with her friends. At first I was a bit of an outsider, and they'd talk cautiously around me when they discussed their husbands and children. But after several months, I was one of the girls to them and I loved it!

I was surprised at how frequently and liberally they discussed sex. By the time summer started, I had verbal descriptions of all their husband's penises. In some ways it was a little too much information, but in other ways I found myself becoming interested whenever the topic of men and sex came up.

My sexuality was a big curiosity to my mother's friends. It was a frequent occurrence for one of them to point out a boy or young man and ask what I thought of him. They'd do the same whenever they saw a young woman. If the person in question was attractive to me, I'd say so, but I'd never say anything about wanting to go to bed with them. I was still keeping those thoughts to my self, sharing them only with my mother and Dr. Martha.

I was starting to get asked out by both teenage boys and young men on a frequent basis, but I couldn't bring myself to accept a date with any of them. None of the guys who asked me out knew the truth about my female origins and I wasn't ready to advertise it.

It wasn't that I wanted to trick a guy. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with one any way. I was very squeamish about guys knowing the truth about me. Cam and Frank found out by way of Cam's mother.

I told Mrs. Holsteader and she told her family and Cam told Frank. Cam took his mother at her word but Frank called to verify. He didn't want to believe it, but it was enough for him that I'd even say I had. He called me a sick fag and said he'd kick my ass if he ever saw me again.

Cam wasn't violent like Frank, but he was extremely bothered by it. I saw him for the first time about two weeks before I got my implants, but I was wearing my breast forms, so I had all of the appropriate curves.

Mrs. Holsteader had brought Cam along on one of her visits to our house. It was obvious that Cam didn't want to be there. I wasn't any happier to see him. My mom wasn't pushing me to see Cam, but his mother was pushing the both of us. She said we had been friends too long to let anything come between us.

Our first meeting was awkward. He was just standing there staring at my breasts. Even though my breasts weren't real at the time, it still made me feel uncomfortable because I knew he was wondering about the rest of my body parts. However, I could tell by his expression that he wasn't thinking about doing anything with me. He was just kind of shocked and I can't say I blame him.

It was my mother who suggested I take Cam upstairs and show him my new room. She wasn't trying to encourage me to take him to bed. She just thought we would appreciate the privacy for our conversation.

"This is so weird seeing you like this," he said as he watched me light a cigarette. "And you're smoking too! When did you start that?"

"About a month ago," I said as I exhaled.

"I can't believe your parents let you do it. My mom gets pissed if I even look at her cigarettes."

I laughed and told her how she said she'd kill me if she ever heard about me giving him a cigarette.

"Are those real?" he asked as he pointed at my breasts.

"Not yet, but I'm getting real ones put in about two weeks."

"How big are they going to be?"

"They'll look about as big as these," I said as I ran a hand across my chest. "But I imagine they'll get even bigger since I'm taking hormones now."

"Why'd you do it Mike?"

"Its hard to say," I said as I sat down on the edge of my bed. "Take a seat if you want," I said as I pointed at the chair in front of my vanity.

"Its hard to say or you just don't want to talk about it," he asked as he took a seat in the chair.

"Its okay. I don't mind talking about it with you. I'm just not sure you'll understand. I don't get it myself some times. This didn't just happen by accident. I've been thinking about it for a long time, since I was really little"

Cam shook his head. "You're kidding me right?"

"I said you wouldn't understand," I said as I took a puff and tapped the cigarette against the ashtray.

I noticed him staring again so I asked if the smoke was bothering him.

"Its not that," he said. "It doesn't really bother me because I'm used to it with my mom, but..."

"But what?" I asked.

"I can't say. I'm afraid you'll take it the wrong way."

"Try me," I said. "I want to hear it."

I saw him blush and heard him say. "I don't know. You kind of look sexy when you smoke, and older too. Its hard looking at you like that when I know its really you. Its creepy dude."

"Thanks for being honest."

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Actually you didn't. You kind of made my day as a matter of fact. So I look like a woman to you? Like if you didn't know it was really me, you'd think I was really a girl or woman?"

"Yeah. Absolutely," said Cam. "Its spooky that way."

I held out my hand to him. "So does this mean we're still friends?" I asked.

He took my hand and shook it gently, much more gently than he'd ever done in the past. "Friends," he said. "Just don't get mad at me if we don't hang out too much. No offense."

"None taken," I said as I released his hand.

Cam and I went back downstairs. There wasn't a lot we could do together because things between us weren't like they used to be. When our mothers would get together, we'd do things like go in the back yard and shoot my BB gun, or play video games, maybe even watch a movie. But those were things that Mike and Cam had done together. I wasn't Mike any more and we both knew it.

We hung with our moms for about fifteen minutes or so. My mom asked Cam those silly and pointless questions that grown-ups always ask kids when they don't know what else to say.

"So Cam, how was school this year? Did you make good grades? Got your eyes on any girls?"

I wish mom hadn't asked him that last question. He said no. But I couldn't help but think everyone was thinking about me.

I think our moms were just glad to see we weren't at each other's throats or scared silly of one another. Actually we were scared, but we were both mature enough to pretend it didn't bother us much as it really did.

Sensing the awkwardness between Cam and I, Mrs. Holsteader cut the visit short. That was the last time I'd see Cam before our families took our vacations together at the Holsteader's mountain cabin.

Mom and I returned to kitchen table for coffee, cigarettes, and conversation after Mrs. Holsteader and Cam went home.

Mom wanted to know about me and Cam. "Are the two of you still friends," she asked?

I told her we were still friends but it was really strange for both of us.

"Its going to take some time," she said, "but you'll both get used to it." She lit a cigarette and said, "Dana was kind of worried the two of you would hit it off too well."

"Then why did she bring him with her?" I asked as I lit a cigarette for myself.

"Its hard to say. We talked some about it while the two of you were upstairs. She wants you to be friends, but she's not comfortable with the idea of you dating each other."

"How come?"

"Its not because you used to be a boy, if that's what you're worried about. Its the maturity difference. You've always been more mature than Cam, and now with everything you've been through...You even look a lot older than him. I don't know. I think she's being silly." She paused to take a puff from her cigarette. "I think the two of you would make a cute couple."

"Mommm!"

"What? You know he has to be thinking about it. Have you looked at your self in the mirror lately? You're absolutely gorgeous."

I told her it was getting crazy and that I didn't want to talk about it any more.

"Why? Because you think it isn't right, because you used to be a boy?"

"Well yeah. I guess you could say that thought has crossed my mind about million times or so."

"And Dr. Martha said you shouldn't let that bother you. Things are different now. The rules have changed. Its okay for you to kiss boys now. I was there when she said that to you. And its not as if you haven't thought about it either. I've heard you tell Dr. Martha that you've thought about it before, you know, being with a man."

My mother's words about the rules changing seeped through my head as I exhaled a cloud of smoke. The rules had changed, but what about the player? Thinking about batting for the other team and actually doing it are two different things, I thought as I trimmed my ash.

I wasn't naive. I knew the kinds of things women did for men when they were dating or married. Would I be able to do those things for Cam or some other guy? I looked at my mom and imagined her doing those things for my dad. I was sure Mrs. Holsteader did the same kind of stuff for Cam's dad. Could I do that?

"I don't know mom. I know its supposed to be okay now. But I'm not ready yet. Maybe I'll feel different when I get my real breasts. And besides, you already said that Mrs. Holsteader doesn't think its a good idea for me and Cam to date."

"She didn't say it was wrong honey. Dana has a gay brother in-law and she thinks the world of him. Its just that she sees you as more of a woman and Cam as more of a little boy, because she's her son. Mother's always feel that way about their sons dating girls. I'd feel the same way if you were still a boy and you had a girlfriend."

"I think there's a difference between being gay and being what I am. If Cam and I got together then it would make him gay. That's what she's afraid of."

"You're right about there being a difference between gay and transgendered. Dana doesn't think you're gay, but if you were, it wouldn't bother her. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you that she wishes Cam was gay, because she doesn't. But I promise you with all my heart that if the two of you got together, she wouldn't think Cam is gay because she doesn't think you're gay."

I heard everything word my mother said and I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe that any guy in the world could think of me as a woman instead of something less or different.

I wasn't ready for relationships or sex and didn't know if I'd ever be. I just wanted people to be ready for me if I ever got to the point in my life where I did feel ready. But for right now, I just wanted to do what I was doing. I liked the way I looked and felt and that was enough for me, and I tried to explain that to my mother.

"So you don't feel like your making a mistake then?" asked my mother. "Because its not too late to back out. Dr. Martha said your body would go back to normal if you stopped taking the hormones. But if you wait until after you get the implants, it will be too late."

"I don't want to stop taking the hormones Mom. And I still want to get the surgery. I want to have breasts like you."

"This isn't supposed to be about being like me Michelle."

"And its not. I promise. I just said it because you're a woman and you have breasts. I could have said it about Mrs. Holsteader too, but you were here and we're the ones talking about it."

"Okay," said my mom. "I believe you.