Michelle and her family go on vacation with the Holsteaders. Michelle becomes one of the girls and debates her first kiss.   Mike versus Michelle: Part 11 The Holsteader's Cabin By Sharon Parsons

---

 
Michelle and her family go on vacation with the Holsteaders. Michelle becomes one of the girls and debates her first kiss.

My first summer with real breasts started with a bang and was followed by a hiccup.

I had looked forward to our annual vacation with the Holsteaders since I was seven years old. Cam and I had so much fun exploring the vast wilderness of their backyard. Our brothers Tony and Gary were the same age we were back then. I sincerely hoped they would have as much fun playing in the woods and hanging out at the pool as Cam and I had when we were their age.

Of course that summer vacation would be different than all the others that came before it. I was glad that Cam and I were on good terms, but it wasn't him who I was looking forward to spending time with.

I became one of the girls that summer! I had been included for several months, but it wasn't until our vacation that I truly felt accepted and worthy of my new gender. Of course the only girls at the cabin were my mother and Mrs. Holsteader, but they were the most important girls in the world as far as I was concerned. Their acceptance of me meant everything and more.

I had taken great pleasure in preparing and packing for our vacation. Because of my new breasts, I needed a new bathing suit. After all, I couldn't go around topless as I had the summer before!

I was absolutely thrilled by my new necessities. I had to have and wear bras! I had to have a new bathing suit. Mom and I went shopping for one and I chose a zebra striped bikini. Me in a bikini! I packed my suitcase with cute little sun dresses and halters and short-shorts.

Mom bought me a silk housecoat to wear at breakfast over my pretty nightgown. It even had pockets to carry my cigarettes in. Talk about feeling grown-up. I could just imagine my self drinking coffee and smoking at the table in my womanly housecoat as I talked shop with my mother and Mrs. Holsteader.

By this time, I was just as addicted to smoking as my mother and Mr. and Mrs. Holsteader. But unlike the three of them, I didn't want to quit and I didn't want to think about the bad things that might happen. I just wanted to smoke and be pretty. Reality was a party-pooper and I didn't want it raining on my feminine parade. That was the summer I learned that most grown-ups actually do want to quit smoking, but I did my best to ignore that truth. I wasn't about to spoil my good time with anything as trivial as hard truths.

My relationship with Cam was stressed that week. He had started going steady two weeks earlier with a girl named Kim Bates. I remembered Kim from middle school and high school. She was a very nice girl. But she never caught my imagination when I was a boy because she was too nice of a girl.

You'd think that having a steady girlfriend would have kept Cam from sniffing around me but it didn't. He stared at me the whole week and whenever I'd try to make eye contact, he'd look away.

His discreet attention made me feel sexy. But it was also awkward. Its hard to be friends with someone that you know is looking at you and wondering what it would be like to go to bed with you. And for me, it was doubly bothersome because I was wondering about it too.

There was this one day at the pool. I think it happened on the third day we were there. Our fathers wanted to play golf as a twosome, so Cam went to the pool with the rest of us.

Cam got into the pool with the boys as I set up my lounge chair in the middle between my mother and Mrs. Holsteader. All three of us were a little sunburned despite using sun screen. I didn't care about the pain because I was excited about showing off my bikini clad breasts.

After getting situated on our towels, we reached for our cigarette cases one after the other or at about the same time. If I hadn't been taken hormones, I'm sure my penis would have sprouted beneath my striped bikini bottom.

At the time, I was smoking Virginia Slims like my mother and had never tried any other brand. Mrs. Holsteader and her husband Dave were both Winston people. I guess that when a husband and wife both smoke, its easier to share the same brand.

I was looking at Mrs. Holsteader's pack and thinking about her and her husband. Mr. Halsteader was one of those men who always went around lighting ladies cigarettes for them. My dad did too, but only on special occassions when my mom and I were dressed up real nice. But Mr. Halsteader did it every day and he included Mom and I while we were at his cabin.

I've always thought it was very romantic whenever I saw a man light a lady's cigarette for her. Not that I felt romantic toward Mr. Holsteader, but it made me feel wonderful that a grown adult man would take me seriously as both a female and a smoker.

"Would you like to try one?"

"What?"

"My cigarettes. Would you like to try one? I couldn't help but notice you looking at them, so I thought I'd ask."

"Really?"

I looked at my mother as if to ask her permission.

She shrugged and said, "They're your lungs honey."

Mrs. Holsteader smiled warmly as she offered me a cork tipped Winston from her case.

"Thanks," I said as I took the cigarette from her.

I saw Cam watching me from across the pool as I accepted a cigarette from his mother. I could tell by the way he was standing in the water that he was painfully aroused. Judging by the embarrassed grin on his face, I think he might have ejaculated when I smiled at him. I held that thought because it made me feel sexy and powerful.

I thought about Cam for the next five minutes as I smoked the cigarette his mother had given me. He was splashing around with the boys and doing his best not to look at me, but he couldn't help it.

Did he want me? More importantly. Did I want him? He was definitely cute. He takes after his father, I thought as I pulled on the Winston's filter.

Mom said the rules had changed. Dr. Martha had said the same thing. We weren't Mike and Cam any more. He was a boy and I was a woman. Or at least I was a lot like a woman. I looked at my mother and then at Mrs. Holsteader as I checked my bikini top. They have breasts and so do I. The thought made me smile.

I was far from comfortable with what I was doing and thinking, but I was also excited beyond description. I'd never seriously considered dating a boy before and I wasn't seriously considering it then, but I was running the possibility through my mind and trying it on for size.

I felt the goose bumps rise up on my arms as imagined what it might be like to kiss Cam. I wondered if kissing him would be like kissing Wendy Dietrich. Lips are lips I thought, but not really. Are they?

I watched him as he carried my brother on his shoulders and waded away from Gary who had given chase. I was kidding myself if I thought he wasn't cute. He was a nice guy too. Any girl would be doing well for herself to have him as her boyfriend. But I wasn't any girl.

I thought I was being discreet, but apparently I wasn't. Mrs. Holsteader saw me watching Cam and said something about it.

She touched my arm and said, "Just so you know, I feel awful about what I said to your mother about you and Cam."

"About us not being good for each other?"

"I didn't say that and I certainly didn't mean it like that either," said Mrs. Holsteader as she dropped her finished cigarette into a bucket of sand.

I could tell she was flustered but didn't know how to help. My mom was silent on the matter too. So we both waited while Mrs. Holsteader searched for the words she wanted to say.

"The two of you have been friends for a long time Michelle. And it goes without saying that you're very attractive. I've seen the way my son looks at you and I know he's confused by his feelings because so am I."

"Its the gay thing. Isn't it," I asked?

"Gay? No sweetie. Its nothing like that. Cam isn't gay...but I can tell he's attracted to you and I don't think its a bad thing, but at the same time, I'm worried about the both of you getting hurt."

"Dana's right," said my mother. "The two of you have been friends for a long time. I'd hate to see either one of you get hurt."

"I'm not saying you can't date," said Mrs. Holsteader.

I told her that I wasn't going to ask him out. "I'd never do that," I said.

"No. But he might ask you some day," said Mrs. Holsteader. "His father and I had a talk with him before we came up here. Now I don't want to hurt your feelings, because we're not encouraging this. We just said we'd understand if something happened, but there is something I want to say to you, and I think you need to hear this no matter who you wind up dating."

She looked across me to my mother as if to ask her permission to continue. "I don't want to hurt your feelings either Sharon."

Mom smiled nervously and told Mrs. Holsteader to say what she needed to say and added that she trusted her.

Mrs. Holsteader took two Winstons from her case and placed one between her lips and handed the other to me. "We're all women here," she said as we lit our cigarettes. "But your mother and I are old women and you're a young woman."

I told her that she wasn't old at all and I thought she looked great. "You too Mom."

"By old, I mean we're mothers," said Mrs. Holsteader. "We have children and you don't. Now at the risk of sounding selfish, I'm going to tell you that your mother and I both want grand children. Its not just us Michelle. Any mother of any son you date is going to think or say the same thing. I want Cam to have children of his own some day. Adoption is okay. I think its wonderful. And if that's the way it is then I can accept it. I'm just telling you how I feel and I think you should keep that in mind when you're thinking about dating somebody."

Mrs. Holsteader paused to take a puff from her cigarette and said, "I think you should consider dating men who already have children and are done with having them. And I say that as much for them as I do for you."

She flicked an ash into the sand bucket and continued. "I'm not saying this because you're transgendered. I'm saying it because you're a woman who can't give birth. Any woman who has ever been in your situation, meaning she can't have children, has been with a man who has said it wasn't important to him. But things change Michelle. Children might not be important to Cam while he's young, but some day when he's older, it might be important. I just think you need to be careful about getting yourself into that kind of a relationship. That's all I'm trying to say honey and I've said it. You and your mother can hate me forever, but I only said it because I love you."

"I never thought about it like that before," said my mother, "but Dana's right honey. Its something you should think about."

I wasn't upset with either of them for what they'd said but I was bothered all the same, just because of the subject matter. After all, it wasn't as if I'd made up my mind about dating anyone of any sex. I'd just been thinking about it.

I'd been confused before Mrs. Holsteader said what she said and now I was even more confused, not to mention embarrassed. What did she mean about dating men that already had kids and were through with having them? Boys my age didn't have kids.

"Are you saying I should date older men," I asked nervously?

"No honey! Not at all," said my mother. "Dana just wanted to put that idea in your head in case you found yourself getting serious about someone."

"Exactly," said Mrs. Holsteader. "You and Cam are only 15. You know he's dating Kim Bates right now. But I don't think for a moment they're going to get married. I suppose they could get married once they turned 16, but that would be totally unexpected. Most teens just date for a couple months and go on to the next person that comes into their life. But some day Cam is going to get married to a woman, and I'd hope they'll have children."

"And some day you'll want to get married to," said my mother. "I know we're putting the cart in front of the horse, but it is something to think about for later."

I agreed with them even though I really didn't want to think about it. My becoming somebody's wife was just too weird to talk about. Think about it- yes. Talk about it- no. I put out the Winston Mrs. Holsteader had given me and lit one of my Virginia Slims.

"I need some sun," I said as I closed my eyes and threw my head back against the lounge chair.

I made the announcement as if talking would somehow block the sun's rays. But both my mother and Mrs. Holsteader seemed relieved that we weren't talking any more. Too much had already been said.

****

The conversation at the pool put a damper on my excitement that evening back at the cabin. It was bad enough that I had thought of Cam, but it was even worse that our parents had talked to both of us. It left little to the imagination except for what we thought of each other.

I spent much of that night and most of the next day dissecting the conversation I'd had with my mother and Mrs. Holsteader. They hadn't said we couldn't date. Mrs. Holsteader had just asked that we not get serious. Serious? Cam already had a girlfriend. He didn't need me. Besides, why would he even want me? Would I want me if I were him? I didn't know. The thought was strange and undeserving of an answer.

I walked out on the deck to be alone and have a cigarette. The summer air in the mountains is cool at night and I found myself wanting a jacket. I sat down in a chair and looked over the rail. Dr. Martha had told me I'd have days like this. Thats what happens when boys who are really boys suddenly become women.

Dr. Martha hadn't said it quite like that, but thats what she had meant when she said I wasn't transgendered in the classical sense. One day while we were alone, she said I was like a cross-dresser on steroids. The first thing came to mind was a body builder in a dress. I didn't like that image and told her so.

She said she was describing my urges and it had nothing to do with my appearance. She said I looked good as a woman and I should be proud of the way I looked. She went on to say that most transgendered women would give up an arm or even a boob to look like me.

Of course Dr. Martha was right. I knew it and she knew it and in some ways my mother seemed to know it too. I didn't become a woman because I was in the wrong body. I became a woman because being a boy in woman's body turned me on.

Dr. Martha had told me that I could have my cake and learn to enjoy eating it too. She had a funny way of saying things but I understood what she meant.

She didn't think there was anything admirable about my wanting to dress in women's clothes and smoke cigarettes. She once told me the clothes would be bad for my social life and the cigarettes would be bad for my health.

But you have to do it, don't you, she asked? You can't help yourself, can you?

No.

Then take what's working against you and make it work for you.

She once told me that if I was going to dress up and smoke like a woman then I should go all the way and become a woman that I could be proud of. She told me there was nothing wrong with wanting to be like my mother. Your mother is a good woman, she said. Learn from her and do her proud, but in the end, you'll have to be your own woman. That's the only way to make her proud of you.

All those years when I was little, up to the day she caught me dressed in her room, I'd been pretending to be like her. I wasn't pretending any more. My hair was long and I had real breasts. I wore dresses and smoked cigarettes. I even worked a part-time job. And whether I liked it or not, I thought about boys.

I finished my cigarette and put it out in the ashtray. I wasn't pretending to be a woman any more. I was learning how to be one.

I was reflecting on those thoughts when the sliding glass door pushed open and Cam stepped out on the deck. We said hello to each other and he sat down in the chair beside me.

He asked if he was bothering me and said he could go back in if I wanted to be alone.

I didn't want to be alone and said so. "I'm glad you came out."

"Came out as in coming out on the deck or coming out of the closet?"

"Thats kind of funny," I said. "But you know I'm not gay, right?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know what to think. Half the time I don't even know if should call you Mike or Michelle."

"Do you mind?" I asked as I picked up my cigarette case.

"Actually I do, but I don't think that's going to stop you."

"You're right about that," I said as I lit up. "So tell me the truth. This is a lot different up here than it was last year, isn't it?"

"You mean different because you're wearing my mom's clothes and smoking cigarettes."

I looked at my blouse and shorts in surprise. "I got these from your mom?"

"That's what she said. They look nice on you though."

"Thanks. I guess."

"I'm being serious," he said. "They do look good on you and you look great too. And I'm not kidding about that either. If you didn't look as good as you do, this wouldn't be so hard. You know?"

I felt funny doing so, but I returned the compliment. "I thought you looked cute in the pool today. As a matter of fact, your mom saw me looking and said something about it to me."

"She said something to me too, her and my dad. They love you and everything. They always have. But I think its weirding them out that we're both up here at the same time. I guess they're afraid we're going to start dating or something."

I exhaled a cloud of smoke into the night sky and laughed nervously. "Yeah! Like that would ever happen."

Cam laughed too, but his laughter sounded forced. I wondered if I had somehow hurt his feelings. But then I thought that would be giving myself too much credit. I finished my cigarette and told him I was ready to back in.

****

I thought about Cam that night when I got in bed. I had a room to myself and my parents and Cam's parents had the other two rooms. Cam was was staying in the living room with our little brothers. The year before we had all slept together in my room.

I wondered what it would be like to have Cam in the room with me. We'd slept in the same bed before but that was then and this was now. Things would never be the same between us again.

At least we're still friends, I thought as I rolled over on my side. I could hear Cam and the boys through the door as they talked and changed the channels on the TV. I missed being with them. I missed being with Cam.

I fell asleep.

*****

The morning sun was shining though my window when I woke up the next morning. I heard my mother and Mrs. Holsteader talking in the kitchen so I got of bed and put my silk house coat on.

The guys had left earlier to do a little fly fishing on the river that runs through the resort. I'd thought about going with them because I'd always loved to fish. But I didn't want to trade the morning with mom and Mrs. Holsteader for the chance to catch a fish.

I picked up my cigarette case and lighter and placed them in the pocket of my house coat as I left my room to join the other women in the kitchen.

Mom and Mrs. Holsteader greeted me cheerfully, even though their faces looked tired without their make-up. There were cigarettes between their fingers and steaming coffee mugs on the table in front of them. They looked older than they had the day before.

I had always associated silk nightgowns and cigarettes with glamor, but there was nothing glamorous about my mother and Mrs. Holsteader that morning. Their hair was disheveled and there were bags under their eyes.

They're just human, I thought as I poured a cup of coffee for myself and took a seat at the table. I lit a cigarette in an attempt to stir up my feminine feelings.

The lack of glamor depressed me but I took solace in the camaraderie. I was one of the girls now and that was a big deal. I reminded myself of that as I joined their conversation.

I wondered if we would do something fun and exciting now that the boys were out of our hair, but mom and Mrs. Holsteader seemed content to chill out. Their time away from the men was precious to them. I didn't understand that because to me, it seemed as if they were wasting that time.

The morning conversation moved to the couch. Mrs. Holsteader turned the television to the Food Network while my mother thumbed through an old copy of Woman's Day.

I was bored and asked if they wanted to go to the pool. Mom said she just wanted to sit on the couch and recharge her batteries. Mrs. Holsteader agreed with her and suggested I could take a hike up to the waterfall.

In the past, Cam and I had spent countless summer hours hiking up to the top of the waterfall. It was one of our favorite things to do. When we were younger, we used to pretend we were explorers on safari.

I told her I didn't feel much like going on a hike by myself.

Mrs. Holsteader said that maybe I could get Cam to go with me after he got back from fishing.

"Maybe so," I said as I settled into the couch and lit a cigarette.

The time seemed to go by so slowly. I wondered if Sponge Bob was on, but women don't watch cartoons unless they're sitting with their children. I picked up another copy of Women's Day and read an article about how to keep a house clean on less than fifteen minutes a day.

I could only take about an hour or so of relaxing with the women before I decided to start my day by taking a shower and getting dressed.

The warm water felt comforting against my skin as I caressed my body with soapy hands. I enjoyed the way my breasts felt against my hands and tried to ignore the penis between my legs.

I can't say I was really ever bothered or upset by my penis. I found it very useful for both urinating and masturbating. For me, it wasn't an issue, but I knew it would be for whatever man or woman eventually took me as a lover.

I hadn't ruled out women at this point in my life. But I wasn't obsessed with them either- at least not sexually.

I shaved my legs and under my arms after shampooing my hair. I loved the way my skin felt after being shaved, but I had come to think of the actual act of shaving as being a chore. I know I said I love some of the necessities that went along with being a woman, but shaving isn't on the list.

After taking a shower, I got dressed and dried my hair before putting on my make-up. I chose a yellow sundress with pink flowers. I thought about putting my sandals on, but if I were going to go hiking with Cam, I knew sneaker would be better for the walk across the rocks.

I sat down at the dressing table in my room and began the routine of putting on my make-up. I call it a routine because it was something I did every day. I put it on every morning and took it off every night, just like my mother, I thought as I lit a cigarette and placed it in the ashtray.

Even though it was a routine, very little of it escaped my thought process. I was doing everything the way I'd seen my mother do it right down to the cigarette burning in the ashtray.

I had mixed feelings about putting on my make-up because I'd grown so used to doing it. I usually enjoyed it, but sometimes when I was in a rush, it annoyed me that I had to do it. My feelings surprised me because before the breast implants and the hormones, I couldn't imagine ever being annoyed or troubled by something as feminine as putting on make-up.

But I wasn't in a hurry that morning, so I took my time and thought about what I was doing. I was neither happy nor depressed. I was just amazed that I was putting on my make-up in the Holsteader's cabin and I had a cigarette burning.

It wasn't normal! But it wasn't wrong either. No one was going to barge in the room and point their finger at me for smoking or wearing women's clothes or putting on make-up. I wasn't sneaking around to do those things any more. I was doing them because I was expected to. How strange is that, I wondered?

*****

The men got back from their fishing trip around 11:00. Tony and Gary were so excited about showing us the fish they had caught. Tony asked if we could eat them for dinner and my mother told my father to keep them on ice and that "we" would clean them later.

The idea of cleaning fish didn't appeal to me so soon after taking a shower. As a matter of fact, I hadn't even considered cleaning fish when the boys went on their trip. Cleaning fish had always been women's work, but now I was a woman. I was one of the girls.

It was Mrs. Holsteader who suggested to Cam that he and I take a hike up to the waterfall. She asked Tony and Gary if they wanted to go with us but they insisted on going to the pool.

My mother told them to put on their bathing suits and she and Mrs. Holsteader would take them.

Cam and I looked at each other. I didn't know whether I should change into my bathing suit or not. I told him it was okay and that we didn't have to go on the hike, but he surprised me by saying he thought it would be fun.

I was about to walk out of the house with Cam when my mother shouted at me that I had forgotten my cigarettes. Cam shot me an annoyed look as I retrieved my case from the coffee table, but they had become one of those necessities I was talking about.

The hike to the river was all down hill from the cabin. It was a little over a mile away and took us about fifteen minutes to get there. We talked about his fishing trip while we walked.

When we got to the river, we took a seat at a picnic table that was sitting on the river's bank. I lit a cigarette while Cam pointed out the spots on the table where we had carved our names several years earlier. It didn't say Michelle loves Cam or anything like that. It said "Mike was here" and to the left of it, "Cam was here too."

"We were vandals," he said.

"But it was your idea and your pocket knife," I said as I exhaled. I waved my hand against the smoke to keep it from his face the way my mother had always done when she was smoking around me and Tony.

Cam waited patiently for me to finish my cigarette. That's what kids do when they grow up with parents that smoke and now he was waiting patiently for me the way me and Tony and Dad had always waited for my mother.

My first experience with the concept of time was associated with the time it took for my mother to finish a cigarette. When she punished me by making me stand in the corner, she timed it with her cigarette. We never left a restaurant until after my mother had finished her cigarette. We didn't go places until after my mother finished her cigarette. My father didn't have that kind of influence over the way we spent our time.

Cam threw rocks in the river until after I had finished my cigarette and ground it into the stony soil with my shoe.

"Are you ready," he asked?

We talked about all the games we had played by the falls as kids while we walked the rocky trail leading toward the top. It wasn't long before the trail ended at the water and we had to climb up the rocks that acted as a natural stair case.

Cam seemed his old self, talking and joking about old times as we climbed, but I quickly learned that I was anything but my old self as the steep climb up the falls took its toll on my wind.

I'd grown up hearing my mom complain about how easily she got out of breath, but until that day by the falls, I always thought she'd been exaggerating.

"Do you need some help?" asked Cam as he let down his hand to pull me up onto a rock.

I looked at him as if he were crazy. Who did he think he was talking to? I'd made the climb at least a hundred times before. But my chest had never felt like it was on fire before either. I took his hand and let him help me to the top of the rock.

What used to take ten minutes took twice that long but at last we finally made it to the top of the falls. I sat down on a rock to catch my breath and have a smoke.

"How did you get so out of shape," he asked?

I exhaled a big cloud of smoke and told him I didn't know. "Must be those hormones I'm taking. I know they mess with muscles."

"Its the cigarettes," said Cam. "My mom and dad get the same way when ever they walk a long ways. You got to quit those things before they kill you."

I told him I'd gain weight and blow up like a balloon if I quit.

Cam tossed a rock down the falls and took a seat beside me on the boulder. "Yeah I know. That happened to my mom when she tried to quit one time. She only quit for a couple days but she was such a bitch. I was almost glad when she started back. How come you started if you knew it was so bad."

"Because I wanted to be like my mom," I said, knowing how stupid the answer must sound to him. But instead of ostracizing me, he nodded his head instead, as if he understood.

"You look and act a lot like her," he said.

"Thanks, I guess."

"Well its what you wanted, isn't it?"

"Actually it is," I said as I flicked an ash. "Its what I've always wanted for as long as I can remember."

"Good. Then I'm happy for you."

"Really?"

"Of course I am. I wouldn't lie about it. We've been best friends forever. I'm always going to tell you the truth."

"You really don't hate me," I asked? "Because you've been acting kind of weird the whole time we've been up here. And before we went on vacation, you never called me."

"Thats because I have a girlfriend now. Remember? Kim doesn't care that you used to be a boy and my best friend. She just thinks you're hot and she's jealous. Its like that with everyone else too. They all know we used to be best friends so they're thinking maybe we're going to start liking each other in a different way."

"LIke boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Exactly," said Cam as he tossed a rock down the falls. "I'm not gay."

"I never thought you were and I don't think anyone else thinks you are either. Its not your fault you used to know me."

"How about you," he asked? "Are you gay?"

"I don't know. I try not to think about it like that. I'm just trying to be like a real girl. You know?"

"So I guess that means you like boys now. You do. Don't you?"

I told him I didn't know and said that it was still real confusing to me.

"Have you ever thought about kissing me," he asked?

His question felt like a knock-out punch as it landed on my ears. How could he have asked me that? What did he expect me to say? I stalled for time by dropping my cigarette in the water and looking for another one in my case.

I put the cigarette between my lips and tried to light it but my hands were shaking too bad and there was a slight breeze that kept blowing out the flame.

"Can I do that for you," he asked?

Before I could answer, Cam took the lighter from me and lit it while protecting the flame with his hand. I was as startled by his actions as I had been by his question. It was the first time a man, other than my father or his father, had offered to light my cigarette for me.

"Thank you," I said as I cupped his hand with mine and guided the flame to my cigarette the way I'd seen my mother do with my father at least a thousand times before. I reasoned that he was only being nice or polite but it didn't matter at that point.

The only thing that mattered was that a man had just lit my cigarette for me! I felt so alive and feminine as I exhaled.

"Thanks for letting me do that," said Cam. "I've always wanted to light a woman's cigarette for her."

I gushed. Every nerve in my body tingled as I replayed his words in my head. Did he really think of me as woman that smokes? Like his mother and mine? Pride swelled in my bosom as I pulled the smoke deep into my lungs and exhaled. I was so happy and ecstatic that I couldn't keep my self from giggling.

The expression on his face changed from lust to embarrassment and I immediately recognized my mistake.

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't laughing at you. I promise," I said as I placed my hand on his thigh. "I'm just so happy because I feel the same way. You made me feel like a woman when you lit my cigarette. It was so romantic. I loved it. Thats why I'm so happy."

His eyes opened wide and he jerked his leg. It was then that I discovered that he had an erection. I should have been disgusted, but I wasn't. I was proud to have caused such a potent reaction. I was also incredibly turned on.

"You didn't answer my question," he said.

The question. Ah yes! The question. He had asked if I had ever thought about kissing him. "I don't know. Maybe. You tell me first and then I'll tell you. Have you ever thought about kissing me?"

Cam immediately complained. "That's not fair. I asked you first."

I was coy but encouraging with him. "No one ever said life had to be fair."

He talked without looking at me but I could see he was blushing. "I've never a kissed a girl that smokes before."

"Does that mean you want to try it now?" I asked as I blew a puff of smoke in his direction.

"If its okay with you," he said nervously.

"It is," I said as I watched his face grow bigger and bigger as it got closer and closer until his lips were on mine and our tongues were entwined.

Cam's kiss was unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life. I'd been kissed before but never by a boy. His kiss made me forget everything about my self as I became lost in his embrace. Wrong or right, i was being kissed by a man the way a woman should be kissed by a man.

He broke the embrace and pulled a way. His face was all contorted and screwed up.

"What's wrong," I asked? "I didn't bite you, did I?"

He shook his head and looked away. "I guess I just don't like the way you taste. Its really gross. I mean it looks sexy and everything but it really tastes gross."

My heart sank.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm just trying to be honest. I told you I wasn't going to lie to you."

"Maybe you should have," I said as I stood up.

"Its more than just the smoking," he said as he followed me down the rocks. "It didn't feel right. You know? I mean you look like this hot girl named Michelle but I still know its you."

I knew he was right but I was too choked up to discuss it with him. His expression and his words had taken me to a new low that I had never known before. I felt disgusting and dirty. I wanted to cry.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Maybe this whole thing is all for the best because maybe we can go back to being friends."

Everything he was saying made sense and I'm sure I would have agreed with him if I could have gotten over the disgusted look on his face when he pulled away.

We walked the rest of the way to the cabin without talking to each other. When we got to the driveway, he tugged on my arm and asked me to do him a favor.

"Don't tell my mom about me lighting your cigarette, okay? I don't want to make her mad."

I was furious. He'd just kissed me and he was afraid of what his mother would say if she found out he had lit my cigarette?

"Grow up and start acting like a man," I said as I shook off his grip.

*****

Cam and I did our mutual best to keep our distance from each other after that. I didn't tell his mom about him lighting my cigarette but I did tell my mom. I told her everything, even about getting out of breath and especially about the kiss.

She did her best to console me but I could see she was troubled by my experience. I thought it was because I had kissed a boy. After all, she was still my mom and I had been her son up until a little while ago. It only made sense that a mother would get a little upset after hearing her son had kissed another boy.

I told her I was sorry.

"Sorry for what," she asked?

Wasn't it obvious, I wondered? "Sorry for kissing a boy," I said.

"Oh honey," she said as she hugged me tight. "I'm not upset about that. I'm thrilled that you got your first kiss from a boy, I just wish it hadn't been Cam. He's way too young and immature for you."

"But we're the same age," I argued.

"Believe me honey. Maturity has nothing to do with age even though they go together sometimes. You've always been more mature than he is. His mother and I talk about it all the time. But the difference is even worse now. Haven't you heard people say that girls mature faster than boys."

I nodded that I had even though I didn't think it had anything to do with me.

"Don't you see sweetheart, its just like Dr. Martha said. You're not a little girl because I'm not a little girl. I know you're young, but in your heart, you're a woman like me, and you need to start thinking of yourself that way. I know Dana and I do. That's what she was saying down at the pool yesterday when she was talking about you and Cam."

"Boys like Cam are never going to appreciate you for the woman you are honey, not until they're much older. They're going to be attracted to you but they won't know know what to do with you. And they certainly won't be able to handle their feelings for you."

I told my mom it wasn't worth it. "I don't want to be anybody's girlfriend- ever!" I said.

"Don't talk like that honey. It would break my heart if you never found someone to love and who will love you back. I know it hurts, but its worth the pain when you finally find someone special."

"So what am I going to do Mom?"

"Be patient. That's about all you can do. And keep your eyes open. Mr. Right never wears a name tag."

"Is that the way it was with you and Dad."

Mom laughed. "I guess you could say that," she said. I knew your father for two years before he asked me out. And if you had told me back then I'd ever go out with him, much less fall in love with him and marry him, I would have said you were crazy. But that's the way love works sometime. You find it where you least expect it."