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Part 10

Being officially on female hormones for eleven weeks, and unofficially the wrong type of hormones for an additional nine weeks, tends to have an effect on the male body.

…
…

What?

You want to know what's been going on for the last twelve weeks? In a couple of words, not much. I went back to school a couple days after the fight. Denise and I outted ourselves to the world. The result? A few eye-rolls, some freshmen boy giggling, and that's about it. The world didn't end. Nobody got beat up, raped, overly insulted, or whatever else psycho people do to gay people.

It was very anti-climatic. Quit being all disappointed. I have enough drama in my life as it is. Sometimes life is just life. Boring. So you don't get to hear about the last three times I went to get my nails done, and you definitely aren't going to hear about my visits to the girls room. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I will tell you that the Spring Fling is coming up on Saturday and Denise is taking me. I have a really nice Christophe Balmain Barbie Dress. I know, $3000, but it's freaking perfect: all form fitting, asymmetrical strappy goodness. Not to mention what it does for my legs, all but an inch on display, with layers of wavy chiffon putting them on display. Emerald Green. Preen!!! I have to wear some massively high strappy heels, but it's more than worth the danger.

Even with the five inch heels I'm still not as tall as Denise. I swear the girl is a mutant, but she's my mutant. We got her a tuxedo. No, she's not gone all butch. She's got a frilly white blouse and a trim tux jacket but cut hard at the waist that blows out into a billowy skirt. She went easy on me and stayed with two inch heels. I fit perfectly in her arms. We've been practicing dancing in the heels. I really don't want to make a fool of myself, and she needs practice leading.

Now, back to what I was saying before. The Hitleresque therapist finally gave the thumbs up for me to start hormones eleven weeks ago. I think my butt increased size overnight from the size of the needles the endo-doctor stuck in there. I swear it was about four gallons of sweet femaleness that was injected. I bore through the pain, and reminded myself that I asked for this. I really hate needles.

So my breasts grew to C-cups in about a week… I wish. I am the proud owner of a pair of overly sensitive nipple-nubs. So much for the transition stories I found online. But guess what dear psycho readers: they're mine! Muahhahahaha!

Yes, I performed the proper celebratory dance of the pre-teen girl, also known as the happy Snoopy dance, when I first noticed growth. I don't care that they're small. I've started the move to being a real girl!

…
…

Yes, Ted and I have made up. Don't you want to hear more about the changes my body has gone under?

…
…

Fine. (pout)

I received a very heartfelt hug when I returned to school. There. See attached raspberry: -----> Phffft!

That's it, no more drama. Mark went off and got himself another girlfriend, who by strange coincidence is a redhead, short and has a wedge cut. Chloe is being escorted by none other than Chris Peterson. Don't worry you haven't missed anything. Chris is amazingly dull, but he worships Chloe and she thinks he's the bee's knees, or something equally nauseatingly cute. I seriously doubt bee's have knees. Where's my Google when I really need it!

Let it be known that nobody and I seriously mean nobody is a cuter couple than Denise and I. It boggles the mind to even contemplate the utter cuteness of us, am I right, or am I right?

~O~

"Cas, will you please get that goofy grin off your face. I'm trying to eat."

Chloe, for some reason, doesn't agree with me. My grin spread even wider.

"Ugh."

Ted has to stick his braceless opinion in the mix. "She's in love, Chloe. Give her a break."

I shield my eyes away from the glare of his perfectly straight polished teeth. I swear it's like looking into the sun sometimes, and he loves to show absolutely everyone. Ted is like night and day now. He apparently found the advantage of using Proactiv. Now his acne is well under control and he has no braces. I swear it's like he took off the geek!Ted suit.

Wanna know the freaky part? Ted's got a boyfriend. Boy can't make up his mind! And no, I see absolutely no irony in that statement.

"Chlo, remember we've got the three-thirty…"

"At the nail salon. Yes, Cas, I'm well aware."

I finally realized something. "Oh, no." I cringe. I set my hand on hers. "I'm so sorry."

Chloe deflates and rolls her eyes when she knows that I know she's OTR — just in time for the Spring Fling.

"What?" asks the clueless Ted.

I sigh with much empathy. "Chloe's aunt flow is visiting this weekend."

"Casidhe!"

"Ooops, sorry." I shrug. "Ted's a big boy. He knows the score."

Come on Ted, don't let me down now.

"I don't get it. Does her aunt want her to stay home or something?"

Ted, you poor bastard. It's a really good thing you are exploring your inner gayness at the moment.

"Yes, Ted." I say with just a hint of condescension. I toss one of my French-fry molded sticks of grease at him. "Her aunt flow makes Chloe all bloated so her dress doesn't fit right."

My best friend in the world just surrenders. "I'm on the rag, Ted. My period started this morning."

"Oh."

Ah, it's so nice to see Ted blushing again. Just like old times. "Well, look on the bright side. You're not pregnant," I offer.

That got me the burning Satan eyes. Chloe actually 'has' the X-Men mutant power that I so richly crave, but she holds off from turning me into a pile of ash, just barely.

"I would have to be having sex for that to happen," she counters.

I giggle, just a little. "Your point being?"

Ruby red twin beams of destructive power lance out and obliterate my human body. Okay, not really.

"Once, I had sex once. Two months ago and as of this morning, two periods ago."

"See," I point out. "Dodged a bullet."

"I hate you."

I know she doesn't mean it. She's my best friend after all. "Tell you what. How about I spring for an herbal wrap at the salon?"

Her eyes glass over immediately, and she lunges for me. "Cas, you are the absolute bestest friend in the world."

A very short cry later Chloe pulls back and grabs her napkin to dab at her eyes.

"Girls are really weird," Ted proclaims before he sips on his two percent milk.

"So says the girlie boy," I sing-song.

"I am 'not' a girlie boy."

I lay my hand on his to pat it lightly. "Baby, you cannot tell me that Craig is the girl in your relationship."

In case you're wondering Craig Smith is Ted's boyfriend, much to the displeasure of the cheer squad, the drill team, most of the heterosexual girls at the school, you get the idea. Craig's hot.

Ted's eyes flutter in annoyance. "We're guys Casidhe. We both do guy things."

"Uh huh," I agree too readily. "Who's on the bottom when you make out? Who straddles whom on the living room couch?" At his increasing redness I go for the throat. "You forget who had to stop you two, last weekend, from consummating your relationship in my hot tub, hello!"

"Eww Ted, really?" Chloe complains. "I use that hot tub too!"

"We were not… oh forget it."

Ted surrenders throwing his hands up in the air.

"I said you could use the guest bedroom. Just make sure you wash the sheets after." I point at him seriously. "And make sure to use protection, young man."

Ah, speak of the devil. I spot Craig sneak up and plant a ninja kiss on Ted's cheek. "Hi sweetie."

Yeah, Ted's not the girl. Whatever!

~O~

I have no idea how I'm suppose to function with 'elegant-length' nails. Wolverine eat your heart out, baby. The closest they could come to Emerald Green nail polish was 'Suvi'. What the heck is a Suvi?

I feel like putting on gloves so that I don't accidentally chip them, but Chloe talked me into buying a bottle for emergencies. I'll take her word for it. This is my first formal as a girl.

Chloe goes off for her herbal wrap and I experience my first waxing. It was a very interesting experience. I really didn't have a problem until she got to my inner thighs. Then I think people in downtown Hong Kong heard me — during rush hour. I've had dental appointments that weren't as brutal. Definitely getting drunk next time I do this.

Once I got washed off and lotioned down I was merely whimpering, but my arms and legs were never so smooth.

~O~

"You're glowing," Mark noticed when he entered the house for his tutoring session.

I look at my arms. They were still a little red from the waxing. The specialist assured me they would be clear by the next morning, but for right now it looks like a have a weird sunburn.

"I got waxed." I hold my arm up for inspection. "Here feel."

He rubbed his fingertips along my forearm. "Nice. If you can afford it I highly suggest laser hair removal. Save yourself the pain of doing it all the time."

After all this time I finally have an excuse to ask him! "Is that what you had done?"

He nodded almost proudly and put his arm against mine. I gave it an appreciative rub. "Very nice. Legs too?"

He walked over to the couch and sat down, sitting his bag to the side and hiked up his jeans.

Okay, that's damn sexy. "You should wear shorts."

He shrugged. "I do, at home."

After the raised eyebrow routine of mine he spills the information I wanted. "Unless you're on swim team most guys find it a little gay. And even then they still find it a little gay."

I almost laugh at the implication. "Don't they notice when you're all romping around into the locker room after baseball practice all naked and stuff?"

He stared me down for half a second before letting loose a bark of laughter. "I think you've seen too many movies."

I gave him my 'uncertain' face, then he offers an example. "So by the same token whenever you girls have sleepovers, you all dress up in your sexiest lingerie and have pillow fights followed with experimental kissing?"

"Well," I shrug. "Yeah."

He looked like I just gut punched him.

"I'm kidding."

After grabbing a throw pillow, Mark uses it in the prescribed way, but I have reflexes like a jungle cat… okay maybe a like a startled house cat. I shriek and hiss a little.

After I disarm him from all of the pillows he threw at me I ordered. "I want to see what you look like in shorts."

His eyes track to the front door. "I have my workout stuff in the car."

I wrinkled my nose a little. "Not that badly."

With a good-natured laugh he informed me, "I was running late today. I didn't have a chance to go to the gym."

"Cool, well what are you waiting for."

He eyed me briefly. "If I have to do it then you have to too."

Okay, that's fair. "Deal."

I wait until he's back in the house and show him to my boy room while I go and get into my sport's bra and stretchy hot shorts. I make sure I'm tucked away nice and tight for the display. Those shorts are unforgiving. I pin my hair up like I'm working out. I still have a stack, but I do have to pin up the sides to keep it out of my eyes.

Mark beat me out of the room and he was downstairs in the kitchen grabbing a Coke from the fridge. I swear sometimes I don't know if that boy knows he's posing or not. But it's hot.

He's got the guy's version of the hot pants. It's what weightlifters wear to the gym. Not quite as tight or short as a girls, but you can definitely see everything on display… quite well as a matter of fact.

"Okay, I give. You win."

He closed the fridge and had two cans of Coke in one hand. I told you, the boy has big hands. I try not to blush as he checks me out. I'm getting better about that. I don't turn into a ripe tomato anymore, but I know I'm flushed because my eyes keep winding up in a certain area of his. I'm not sayin' where. That would be telling.

"What do I win?" he asks playfully.

Nuh-uh. Not going there. "A Coke?"

He handed me mine. "Fair enough. Besides, I think you win anyway."

I roll my eyes. I know I still look like a little girl, body wise. "Whatever Mark. I have no breasts." I turn to go back into the living room.

"I'm not a breast man. Strictly eyes, legs, and butt, and you win all three."

Alright, maybe the tight revealing clothing wasn't such a good idea. But it feels real good to be admired for some feminine qualities even if I'm not quite through with my change.

"Now that we have mutual admiration down pat, maybe we should get to studying."

After an hour of discussing the hows and whys of congressional duties I've come to the conclusion that all men should shave their legs. Um, not that I was distracted or anything.

Leave me alone! I can still look and admire Mark's sexiness.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Hey!

Chloe and Ted are over getting ready. Ted looks really nervous. Chloe looks cramped, and I look spectacular!

Well, not quite. But I had a really nice long bath to relax and smell nice.

"Cas, do you have any Midol?" she bellows out from the bathroom.

"In the drawer on the left at the sink."

Ted looks at me as I pluck his eyebrows. No, I'm not turning him into a girl. Just a little cleaning up. Guys need it too, even if they want to be Neanderthals underneath.

"Why do you have Midol?"

"For my cramps."

His forehead wrinkled and I smack him on top of the head. "Quit that." I pluck another hair that desperately wants to be a part of a unibrow. "It's part of being a girl, Ted. I have everything in this house that a genetic girl has in hers, even if I don't have to use it. And as you can plainly see, if girlfriends come over so they can borrow."

"I still can't believe it. Even knowing what I know. I mean you are too perfect."

I pause for a second and give him my awwwww face. "Thank you, Ted. That's sweet."

"Well you are."

Even being on the gay side at the moment, he still makes me feel like a girlie girl. "Thank you, now be quiet so I can make sure you look pretty for Craig."

His eyes go into panic mode. "Casidhe," he said with somewhat of a warning tone.

"I have the perfect dress for you. You did remember to shave your legs right?"

Now he knows I'm yanking his chain.

"Casidhe!" Chloe yells from the bathroom.

"Okay, you're all through." I pat Ted on the knee. "Off you go little one. Make mommy proud!"

"Casidhe!" She yells again. "Coming!" I yell back. I'm never going to be able to get ready at this rate.

"Oh, I almost forgot." I stopped, opened up my makeup drawer and pulled out a small tube. "Here, make sure you use this tonight."

Ted grabbed it out of the air. "Cherry Chapstick?"

I nodded. "Guys really like it when their girls wear flavored lipstick."

I get the evil eye in return. Right before I enter the bathroom I look back down the hall and see Ted applying a little lip balm. See, told ya.

I tap lightly on the bathroom door and open it right after. "Yes, Mistress Chloe?"

My best friend is sitting on a closed toilet lid adorned in only her very sexy undies. That's when I notice the massive ladder in her left stocking.

"Nothing is going right! It's like I'm cursed!"

I scoot myself over in front of her and give Chloe a well needed hug. "Sweetie, I have stockings you can use. Don't worry."

She sniffed and clutched me closer while I stroked her hair. "It's everything Cas. I'm a nervous wreck, my period, my stocking, my eyes are going to get all puffy if I start crying."

I give her little shh noises that tell her I understand. "You want me to get Ted in here to give you a kiss to take the edge off?"

She snorted into my tummy. "No."

"You want 'me' to give you a …"

She squeezed me tighter. "Cas!"

"Okay, kidding. How about a valium?"

Chloe stopped trying to break my ribs for a moment. "You have valium?"

I reached over and opened up the drug drawer, sifting through the back to find the almost empty bottle. "I'm a girl scout, Chlo."

She released me and I dug around and found the pill cutter. "I think maybe just half of one should be enough. You don't really want to be all spacey tonight."

One of those small Dixie cups of water plus a swallow later and Chloe looked like she might be alright.

"Okay, come on let's get to my room and we'll sort out the stockings." I stopped and grabbed her robe. "Here, you don't want to catapult Ted back into heterosexuality. Craig would be pissed."

Denise arrived a little early and I turned into a little pile of goo at her attention.

"Casidhe…" she said as her breath seemed to disappear.

"Kiss me."

"I'll ruin your make up."

"I have the good stuff. It's not going anywhere." I planned ahead tonight. Like I keep saying — girl scout.

I felt like a princess that night as we all piled in the limo I had rented. Ted couldn't stop grinning as Craig couldn't stop looking at him, and Chloe finally chilled out to tolerable levels once Chris made it there and gushed at how beautiful she was.

We went to dinner at Tony's. It's a four star restaurant downtown. I had never really been someplace that served meals in courses. It's highly recommended if you've never tried it before. I had to pass at the dessert cart or else I'd never be able to dance.

The evening was perfect, for me at least. We made it to the dance and took a very nice picture then went to the dance floor where Denise held me in her arms forever, or at least until my feet started hurting, which at the moment I really didn't care about. I looked good and that's all that mattered.

The six of us claimed a table. The guys, which I'll have to define as Chris, Craig, and Denise, fetched us girls further defined as yours truly, Chloe and Ted, some drinks while we giggled and pointed out the fashion terrors of the evening. Well Ted didn't giggle, and I think he was feeling especially weird being part of the girl group.

"I still say you would look great in that dress I got you."

Ted's eyes narrowed. "I have no desire to crossdress, Casidhe. I like being a guy too much."

Chloe leaned in conspiratorially. "So, are you and Chris…"

His eyes flicked to her. "What?"

I smiled knowingly.

"Have you guys done anything… noteworthy?"

I stuck my tongue into the side of my mouth a few times, without the rude hand gestures, and then waggled my eyebrows.

"Why is everyone so interested in my sex life?"

"Because you never tell us anything," I complained. "We give and we give, but from you we get squat. We just want to know that you are happy, safe, and satisfied. That's what girlfriends do!"

He rolled his eyes at me. "Fine."

Chloe perked up. "Okay, spill."

"We've done the… oral thing."

I bounce in my chair. "I still haven't done that… well with a guy." I felt my face heat up and grinned in response.

The 'guys' arrived before we could continue. I sipped at the punch that Denise brought me. She spoils me rotten. "Thanks, sweetie."

I gave her a quick kiss for a reward. Anything more than that and the chaperones/teachers got all uptight, I found out early on.

Chloe and I did manage to pull Mr. Walsh out on the floor to shake his thang for half of one song. I actually think he liked it. I know Chloe and I did.

"Think I should go tell them to tone it down?"

Denise combed her fingers in my hair and we settled into bed after a little post coital bliss. "Let them have a little fun. God knows Ted needs some release."

I snickered under her arm. "Yeah, but I think they might break the bed."

We lay there listening for another fifteen minutes and then silence finally settled over the house. Ahhh.

"Hey, Casidhe?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you sure you don't mind not being able to do anything?"

This is about the hundredth conversation we'd had on sex and me not being on the receiving end. "Sweetie, it's not like I have a way to do anything. I do like the attention you give me with other things."

I really do enjoy playing around. I've just never had an orgasm. I really don't know if it's a mental thing or a physical thing. I really don't care all that much. But telling Denise that is next to impossible.

She sighed in disappointment. "Are you sure you don't want to try the anal thing? I really don't mind."

It was my turn for the sigh this time. "Denise, baby, love of my life, sugarplum, you know I'm not into that. What we do is more than enough for me, right now."

I felt her shift in the bed and reach over to turn on the light. This way I get to see how serious she is or something. She reached down and picked up her wife beater that she wore underneath her tux blouse and put it on. I was comfortable like I was.

"Did your therapist say when you'd be able to get your SRS?"

I nodded. "He said if I'm a good girl 'and' keep going to sessions with him 'and' I didn't have any major problems then I could have an early Christmas present."

"So about eight more months." She looked really disappointed.

I could almost cut the air with a knife, and at the moment I was feeling very vulnerable, so I slid to the side of the bed and pulled my panties on.

"Cas, don't run away," she pleaded with me.

I wasn't running, really. "I don't know what you want me to say, Denise. I really don't. I told you the first time we did this that I couldn't…"

Without going into too many sorted details, yes I derive pleasure from being touched down there, just not the traditional pleasure.

"I just feel guilty for not making you feel like you make me feel."

I opened my closet, pulled a tank off of a hanger and slipped it on. There. I have my armor on. "And you're making me feel guilty for making you feel guilty. Can we just move on and go back to being happy?"

She really looked like that was exactly what she wanted to do. Shows you want I know. "This isn't really working."

What? "Denise, don't do this."

It was like she didn't hear me. She bent over, picked up her blouse and started to get dressed. A crushing feeling hit me in my chest. No. "Denise, please."

"I'm sorry, Cas. I really am. It's just too much."

"Why," I snapped back in defense. "Because I don't want you to…"

She shook her head. "It's me."

"What's you? What are you talking about?" I almost cried.

She looked around for her shoes and then slipped them on. "I have to be able to please my partner. I know it's stupid."

"Denise, you do please me. You make me feel things I've never felt before. Please don't do this because of something I can't change, yet." Panic gripped me. I felt my heart slamming against the inside of my chest and my breathing quicken.

She stood there with her coat draped over her arm, looking a little sad. "Cas, I just need…"

"What?" I eagerly asked.

She shook her head and started for the door. Stupid me made to cut her off. I blocked the door with my body and begged her with my tear-filled eyes. "What do you need? I'll do anything. Just don't leave me."

I admit it wasn't my proudest moment. Some of you might not remember what it was like being a teenager. Well let me remind you. The entire universe revolves around you. This is a fact. So when your girlfriend decides that she doesn't want you that means you've done something wrong and now the universe is against you, just because. You'll do almost anything to make the pain stop, even begging.

"Casidhe, it's my mistake. I should've known what I wanted."

"What do you want," I rattled off. "I can change. I'll find some way of getting the operation earlier. I'll go to Europe or whatever."

She shook her head. "I want a real girl, Cas."

So there it was. Apparently I was a cheap substitute; training wheels for today's lesbian.

She reached for the doorknob and I was frozen, defeated. My heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown to the floor because I was truthful from the beginning about who and what I was.

I shuffled out of the way and she left. It was as simple and painful as that. And I was broken.

Except for necessities, I spent all of Sunday in bed clutching at Denise's pillow until her scent had been replaced by mine. I ignored the phone and just thought about what my life was as a boy pretending to be a girl. Then I made a decision.

Have you ever done something in the heat of the moment that you would never do at any other time?

I skipped school and spent the day on the phone and talking myself into a frenzy. I had made arrangements overseas, purchased a ticked, packed my bags, the whole shebang.

Ding Dong!

I peeked through the peep hole and see Chloe looking somewhat concerned, and then opened the door.

"Hey girl! You're not sick?"

I shook my head. "Come on in."

Chloe set her backpack by the door and noticed my luggage. "Going somewhere?"

I nodded. "I'm grabbing a Coke. Want anything?"

"Okay, what's wrong?"

I tired to stay nice and even, but sometimes it's almost impossible. "What makes you think something's wrong?"

She gave me irritated face. "Because you always retreat to the kitchen when something's bothering you."

I did? "I do not." At her returned glare I amended my last statement. "Okay, maybe I do. I could of just been thirsty, you don't know."

Chloe followed me into the kitchen and watched as I retrieved a drink. "Coke is your emotional crutch."

"And it also quenches my thirst. Beverages are weird that way."

She definitely wasn't letting me off the hook. "Where are you going?"

"Thailand."

Chloe blinked with a grand exaggeration. "And this is just a spur of the moment thing?"

"Uh-huh."

I don't think she was buying it. "Because Thailand is the tourist capital of the world and you've always wanted to go."

I sipped on my Coke and then set it down, suddenly deflated… me, I was deflated, not the Coke. That would be really weird if the can deflated. "I'm going to get my SRS."

"Wow," she remarked with mock seriousness. I could tell she was worried all of the sudden. "What's your therapist have to say about this?"

"I haven't told him."

She nodded in thought. "And you are going alone, I take it."

I nodded in dread of what was coming.

"Any particular reason you are rushing this?"

Moving around the island to place it firmly between Chloe and me, I took another sip. "I want to be happy."

She pursed her lips and thought on that for a moment and then waved me over to her as she closed the distance between us. I prepped myself for the impending whack on the head, but was relieved when she took me in her arms and gave me a hug instead.

"You're stupid, you know."

I nodded as I felt a swell of emotion building up inside. "Uh-huh."

"I love you anyway."

Did I ever tell you that Chloe was my best friend in the whole world?

"Gimmie your Blackberry."

"Why?"

She backed away and gave me a stern look. "Because you are not going out of the country all by yourself, idiot. And you aren't going until you talk to your therapist."

At my look of protest she held her hand up. "That's the deal, Cas. Otherwise I'm going to sit on you until I'm satisfied you do. Even if your therapist says no I'll support you, but you 'will' tell him along with the reasons why you are jumping the gun.

I was committed. Yes, I know all the reasons I should wait and how much of a chance I am taking by doing things a different way. But let me ask you a question. What would you do to make yourself truly happy. How far would you go? I've had enough sorrow in my life.

"It's in my purse."

Photo Credit: Olga http://mgpg.wordpress.com/2006/09/25/olga-super-red/

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To Be Continued...