"Jess," I hurried out of the car in pursuit. As soon as we parked, she took off, ignoring me as she had done for most of the journey.

The buildings, trees, sky, everything seemed more interesting to her than whatever I had to say.

Our relationship had been positive up until that point, and she'd even taken my side over her husband's a few times, so I was taken aback by her sudden change in attitude.

"Jess" I called out to her again as she stormed into the shopping complex famed for its many luxury stores. A bit too needlessly expensive for my tastes but my mother had no such concerns.

"You're making a scene" Leah chimed in with that same condescending look about her.

"What's going on?" Rebecca approached and asked.

I shrugged in response. Her guess was as good as mine.

Leah rolled her eyes and shook her head before walking off, leaving me confused and if I was being honest, a bit irritated.

"Is Jess okay?" Rebecca asked, concerned.

"Yeah," I answered, "I think so."

"She did seem--" Rebecca suddenly closed her eyes and winced in pain.

"Are you okay?" I asked touching her shoulder gently.

"Yeah" she quickly brushed me off, "I'm fine"

"I've noticed you've been getting those a lot. Have you been to the doctor?"

"I'm fine, oh my God, chill" She brushed me off again, offering no explanation.

"You're not eating either, are you?" I pressed on, "If there's something going on, you can tell me. You know that right?"

"Ruth, Jesus, I said I'm fine" she suddenly snapped at me. Very unlike her. "If you need someone to worry about, worry about Jess, how about that?"

"What's going on?" Our mother who had taken her sweet time in the car finally made her appearance and joined our conversation but Rebecca wasn't having it.

"Nothing's going on" she shut it down quickly, "Can we just get going?"

Our mother expectantly turned her attention over to me.

I considered bringing it up with our mother but decided against it. I didn't even know what 'it' was or if there was anything at all. I didn't want to antagonize my sister over something that could have just been in my head.

"It's nothing"

"You two aren't keeping secrets, are you?" My mother smiled.

Her goodwill was lost on me after I'd learned she cut me off without so much as a word to me. I just couldn't reconcile this woman with the one that would do such a thing.

"So where are we going?" I asked, changing the subject.

"The salon first" Mum answered, making no more fuss about Rebecca and me, "Let's see if we can't do something about that mop on your head"

"What's wrong with my hair?" I asked.

"Nothing at all, dear" she replied before proceeding to walk past me.

"What's wrong with my hair?" I turned to Rebecca.

She only shrugged in response before walking up behind our mother.

I smoothed my hair using my phone's camera before hurrying to catch up with them, feeling a bit more self-conscious now than I was before.

=^..^=

Jess and Leah were aware of the routine and had already found their way into the hairdresser's chair by the time we arrived.

While the attendants greeted my mother and sister ecstatically, I was forced to stand there sheepishly, waiting to be introduced.

"This is my other daughter, Ruth," my mother introduced me to a very well-dressed woman with a short bob and a pleasant smile once she had finished her pleasantries.

"We haven't met yet, have we?" The woman began, "You can call me Agnes"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ruth"

It was odd to have my mother refer to me as her daughter with no hesitation. More than anything, I hated that it made me dream of a better relationship with her even knowing how I'd come away disappointed every other time I'd dared to dream.

I was sure my therapist would have a lot to say about my quest for her approval.

"Agnes has been doing my hair going on five years now" My mother commented but I couldn't pay attention because out of the corner of my eyes, I could just make out Rebecca fidgeting.

"So imagine my surprise" Agnes laughed, "I had no idea you had another daughter. But I see it, she looks so much like you"

"Does she?"

I noticed Rebecca sit down only for a brief moment before standing right back up.

"Very much" Agnes quickly confirmed, before turning back to me, "What are you looking to get done today? Our full package is very popular right now"

"Do you think her hair looks a bit wild?" My mother stepped in.

"It has a lot of volume which is good" Agnes replied, "I have a few ideas I think she'll really like"

I watched Rebecca quietly step out of the salon without a word to anyone and got worried. Something was up, I knew it and I certainly couldn't ignore it.

"You know I trust you," My mother said happily.

Agnes smiled, "If you'll just take a seat--"

"I'm sorry, could you give me a moment" I didn't even bother waiting for a response before quickly making my way out the store.

I quickly spotted Rebecca making her way for the restrooms and walked after her.

No matter how you looked at it, I was acting crazy. Sneaking behind my sister through the halls of the shopping complex was an absolutely crazy thing to do but I couldn't help but follow my gut.

I followed her in after I heard one of the stall doors open and close, thankful that it was relatively empty except for another young lady who was washing her hands.

The lady didn't acknowledge me and so neither did I.

I made my way towards the large mirrors and came to terms with what I was doing. Rebecca was in one of the stalls behind me. If I was going to leave and put this all behind me, I wouldn't have much longer to do so.

Eventually, my gut came out victorious and I stuck around. I spent the nearly ten minutes it took for Rebecca to emerge just studying my appearance in the mirror.

I looked fine, just like any other woman my age but the one thing that was starting to worry me was the noticeable bags under my eyes. I felt like I needed a vacation.

More women came and went as time passed but I remained.

The minutes went by and eventually, I heard the stall door open, and out came my sister who was understandably very surprised to see me.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, forcing a smile. She seemed more alert, but also somehow ashamed. It was all I needed to proceed.

"You were in there a long time," I said. In truth, I had my suspicions but I didn't want to begin throwing accusations all over the place.

"What are you talking about?" she laughed.

"Rebecca, I know you're hiding something. What is it?" I asked, "What's in your bag?"

"Okay weirdo, none of your business" She started to walk past me and I didn't stop her. Maybe I was just being a weirdo.

Instead, I walked into the stall and looked around for something, anything because I knew she'd never admit it if I had nothing.

"Hey, what are you doing?" She called back to me.

"Why, are you worried?" I called back.

"What is wrong with you?" She returned to meet me at the stall's entrance, "Are you trying to piss everyone off?"

Fuck, that wasn't what I wanted. I loved my sister so much and her erratic behaviour among other things recently had worried me. The last thing I wanted was to upset her.

I was going to apologize until I saw the tiny specks of powder by her nostrils.

"You're doing drugs," I said matter-of-factly.

"What? No" She denied it.

"Stop fucking lying, I see it on your face. Literally." I stepped towards her and she stepped backward. I knew something was going on. I didn't want it to be true but it explained so much.

I watched Rebecca wipe her nose, giving me all the confirmation I needed, "So what? What do you care?"

"Rebecca" I called her name softly.

"What? What?"

"You're high right now" It baffled me how she was acting like it was normal, "You're hanging out with family on a Saturday morning and you're high!"

"Oh my God, I'm not high" she protested, "I mean, this doesn't even qualify--"

"What did you take? Don't lie to me" My disappointment was clearly written on my face.

"Can you calm down?" she asked, "It's nothing bad, just a little bit of Adderall. It's not a big deal"

"Adderall? Don't lie to me"

"I'm not, oh my God. It's just Adderall so can you chill?"

"Let me see your bag" I took another step forward and reached for her bag.

"No" she quickly stepped away.

"Rebecca"

"You're not mum so quit acting like you are"

"I wouldn't have to if you'd stop acting like a child"

Neither one of us said anything for some time after that and the silence quickly became deafening. She looked annoyed but I wasn't backing down.

Rebecca was the first one to make a move when she took her bag off her shoulder and handed it to me.

I looked at the bag and then back at her serious expression before taking it. Inside, I found a pill case filled with round, white pills. Right where the case had been, I found a rolled-up $100 bill with the same powder residue.

I kept the case but handed her bag back to her which she took it forcefully before turning away from me. She was done with the conversation but I wasn't.

"Where do you get this?" I gestured to the pills in my hand, "Why do you even need it?"

She sighed but didn't say anything else.

"Becca" I called her name softly in the same way I used to when we were children, "Why are you taking this stuff? Is there something I don't know? Please you can tell me. You know I'm always here for you"

"Are you?" She turned back to face me.

"What?" I was more than a bit caught off-guard by what she'd just said, "Of course, I am"

"Really?" she stepped forward, "You know nothing about me. I don't need you lecturing me right now"

"Becca, I've always tried my best to be there for you"

"Literally how?" She stared deep into my eyes and I could see the hurt in hers. I could only imagine that everything she was feeling was amplified by what she'd taken only minutes early. "You've missed my entire life. You left me."

"That's not fair" I frowned, "You know what happened"

"I know that you were my best friend and you just disappeared without saying anything to me"

"I--" I was stunned. What could I even say to that? My sister had feelings she'd never shared with me. "I didn't want to leave you, I'm sorry. I just needed to get away from Mum and Dad or else I wouldn't have survived."

She shook her head, "Can we just drop this, please?"

"Becca" I called out to her desperate for her to believe me. She had been so supportive that all that time, I thought she understood why I did what I did. She was the most cheerful person I knew so how could I have seen this coming? "Why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked her.

"And be the asshole that complains when you're already going through so much? Yeah, no thanks"

I felt terrible. Rebecca and I had been inseparable once but I hadn't even given a single thought to her when I left. And of course, I wouldn't have. She was perfect and our parents loved her. Her life was everything I dreamed of. Why would I have ever considered her when she had everything I wanted?

But looking at her in that moment, I could tell how hurt she was by my choices all those years ago. And somehow, she'd kept those feelings hidden for a decade.

"I'm sorry. I'm terrible" I said.

"No, you're not" she pouted, 'Well, maybe a little bit"

"I really am sorry. I'll make it up to you somehow" I told her.

She shook her head, "It's fine. But-- why didn't you ever come to see me? Even when I moved out of here, you never came"

At the time, I didn't know the real reason why so I'd only told her as much. But I think I avoided her just as much as I did my parents. The effortless joy she brought everyone, the unearned beauty that was just given to her from birth. It was all too much to face when I was at my lowest point.

It wasn't something I would have ever acknowledged.

"I don't know. I'm just a terrible sister"

"It's okay," she said to me, "We should probably go, this place stinks"

"Hey, not so fast" I quickly stopped her. However derailed the conversation had gotten, there was still a massive elephant in the room, "I need to know you won't just go out and buy more of this stuff"

"Ruth, I promise it's harmless" she argued, "It just makes me feel better"

"I know it has side effects, or are you going to deny that you have constant headaches?"

"Entirely unrelated" she brushed it off.

"Becca, I can't let you keep taking it" I put my foot down, "I'm sure you're getting it illegally anyway and it can't be good for you"

"Just let it go, oh my God"

"No, and you're going to see a doctor for those headaches. I'll drag you there myself if I have to"

"You and Mum are so alike and you don't even see it," she said with a defeated look about her, "I wonder what that says about you since you hate her so much"

"We're nothing alike, and I don't hate her"

"Right"

"Don't buy anymore--" I warned her. "Or else I'll tell Mum and Dad. Maybe you'll listen to them"

"Okay, whatever"

=^..^=

"Where the hell have you two been?!" Our mother was livid.

"Mum, chill!" Rebecca stepped up, "You'll give yourself wrinkles. It was just some sisterly bonding, right Ruthie?"

My mother turned to me and I gave the only answer I could, "Yeah"

"You kept Agnes waiting," Mum complained, "She's a very busy woman"
Agnes quickly stepped in, "Oh it's perfectly fine. I'm happy to wait for my favorite customer and her beautiful daughters"
"Go, sit. We have a lot to get through before Leah has to leave" My mother hurried me along towards the hairdresser's chair.

While I made my way to sit down, I heard my mother turn her attention to Rebecca, "What are you getting done?"

"Oh, just my nails" she replied.

As Agnes approached me, I grew worried. It had taken me a while to find a style that worked for me and the last thing I wanted was someone messing with that.

"I don't want to cut my hair" I informed her. A line I'd said to my mother many times as a kid without success.

"Oh goodness, I wouldn't dream of it. You have a wonderful head of hair, just a few touches here and there"

"Okay" I replied but I'd have been lying if I said she'd managed to assuage my fears.

"How do you feel about highlights?" She asked as she stepped behind me to inspect my hair and see what she was working with.

"Isn't that a bit young?"

"Oh not at all, I'm sure it would suit you perfectly?"

"If you say so" I reluctantly agreed.

"I promise you'll love it"

And so I sat back and let Agnes work.

She began by shampooing my hair and by the time she got to massaging my scalp, I was already sucked in and enjoying the treatment.

My relaxation allowed my mind to wander. I wondered whether I could trust Rebecca to keep her word. I hoped it truly wasn't a big deal as she claimed but as she'd stated, I didn't really know her.

The few times we'd met over the years, she'd been the one to make the journey. One of those occasions was my wedding day. The memory of the day-- and night caused me to smile.

The rest of my family had been noticeably absent but Matty and Rebecca were more than enough.

"Having fun?" I heard Agnes ask in response to my smile.

I chuckled nervously, "Yeah"

It pained me that I'd never returned the favor of their presence on my important days. I knew I had to do better and from that moment on, I'd make sure to visit Rebecca until she was sick of me.

My mind wandered the entire time Agnes tended to my hair and eventually went to work on my nails but not all of it was good memories.

My mind wandered to a memory I'd tried to forget.

I don't remember how old I was but this was a few months after I first started taking the meds.

My body had only just started to develop with only a few slight changes but I felt supercharged. I felt unstoppable and for the first time, I felt things would be alright.

I felt brave.

I'd told my parents I was going out with friends and my parents had had one of the drivers drop me off that night. They'd taken it as a positive sign because I'd been such a loner up till that point with my only friends being my siblings. They were ecstatic.

What they didn't know was that there were still no friends to speak of.

The driver had dropped me off at the mall as planned and I would call him later that night to pick me up.

I'd gone into one of the restrooms at the mall and changed into the girls' clothes I had in my bag. I had everything figured out.

This was long before I passed as a woman so I was terrified, but also very excited to walk the streets dressed as my true self.

At the start, everything had gone without a hitch. The way the skirt felt on my bare, hairless legs was just divine and I would have felt that every day if I could.

The long brown wig was of good quality, but I hadn't been able to style it, so it wasn't exactly ideal. Regardless, no one batted an eye. Whether that would have remained the case in daylight was anyone's guess.

It had gone perfectly until I ran into a group of four boys leaning on a car. I had been so caught up in my euphoria, that I'd strayed into a particularly dark area without any concern.

"What's up, cutie?" One of them had called out to me and immediately my heart began beating twice as fast.

I thought my best bet was to ignore them so I had done just that. I kept my head low with the wig covering most of my face and kept walking.

"We're talking to you" I heard another say.

"Leave me alone" I replied. Despite my lengthy practice, what came out was mostly falsetto.

"Oh don't be like that, come say hello" One of the boys pushed off the car and started in my direction.

I'd never turned around so quickly.

"Shy little bitch, aren't you?" I heard him say.

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen" I'd lied hoping that would make them leave me alone.

"That's okay, we're the same age" he replied and the others had found something funny about it.

"I just want to go home, please leave me alone" I'd pleaded.

"Yeah sure, I'll walk you home" he hurried up to cut me off and before I knew it, I was between all four boys. "Go ahead and look at me, pretty girl"

His hand moved to push the wig out of my face and I was too scared to move. I knew I was in trouble.

I was too scared to even pretend anymore, I just said in my normal boy voice, "Please just let me go, I'm sorry"

"What the fuck?!" The boy jumped a little in shock.

"Oh shit," another exclaimed and started laughing. Before I knew it, they were all laughing at me.

"Fucking hell, are you a boy?"

"What are you some kind of--"

"Carly, you made it!" Rebecca's voice sprung me back to reality.

I listened in silence as she greeted everyone. Some of the fear I felt that night had returned and suddenly I felt like I had back then, helpless and traumatized.

Those boys had let me go eventually but not before pulling the wig off my head and taking pictures with their old, shitty phones.

For days, I was terrified that those pictures of me looking like a boy wearing girls' clothes would surface and go viral but it never happened.

Suffice it to say I never went out dressed like a girl again until long after I ran away from home.

=^..^=

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Hiya! I haven't been able to write as often as I'd like due to work but anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter. Leave a comment :)