I was shaking and couldn't get rid of the tightness in my chest. I felt cold, which was surprising considering the hot summer weather. I tried my best to keep from sweating which would ruin the light makeup I had applied earlier to hide my exhaustion. The long airplane ride back home would have been stressful enough without having to keep tabs on the bundle of energy that now lay sprawled across the backseat with his head in my lap.

I looked at him closely and smiled, I hadn't been able to get him to sit still the entire 6-hour flight and here he was, sleeping like an angel.

I wondered what my mother would say about him. We hadn't seen each other since I moved far away over a decade ago. We hadn't talked and I didn't even know if she knew I had a son now.

My heart raced as the cab made its final approach and I began to recognize places that for the last decade had only existed in my memory.

I dreaded seeing her again. I dreaded seeing everyone, but especially her. We'd never seen eye to eye and I suspected we wouldn't see eye to eye about this either.

That wasn't entirely accurate. There was a time when we were on the same page about everything. In fact, growing up, I got so used to people calling me 'Mama's handbag' because she never went anywhere without me. She'd never have said it out loud, but everyone knew I was her favorite son.

I quickly opened my phone's selfie camera and checked my make-up to make sure everything was still in order. I took a deep breath as my childhood home came into view. It looked different, smaller.

Logically, I knew it was a large home by any standard. It had 13 rooms and stood on a property that was massive enough to have its own lake but somehow it seemed smaller. Growing up, it seemed like the entire world and so impossibly big. Now, all I saw was a shell.

"Wake up, honey" I rubbed Jackson's head gently, "We're here"

He woke up for a moment, groaned loudly then buried his head back in my lap, "I'm sleepy"

"I told you to sleep on the plane" I smiled while rubbing my fingers through his hair.

No answer.

"Ma'am, we're here," The cab driver said as he brought the vehicle to a complete stop in front of the large gate that separated my childhood home from the rest of the world.

"Yes, could you just ring that bell?" I asked, quickly raising my head to point to the button reachable through the driver's window. "Someone should come open the gate"

My confidence faded as I finished the sentence. While there was a gatehouse nearby with staff to attend to visitors at the gate, it had been so long and I couldn't possibly be sure of the state of things anymore.

Thankfully, shortly after the driver did as I asked, a man dressed in black hurried out to meet us. The driver quickly gestured the man over to me and I cleared my throat preparing to state my business.

"Sorry ma'am, the family isn't taking any visitors today" the man spoke respectfully. I couldn't help but notice that half his shirt buttons had been buttoned out of alignment which told me I'd caught him at an awkward moment.

"It's okay, I'm family" I explained while shifting my attention to his unkempt hair, "My parents live here"

He looked confused for a moment before stepping back, "I'm sorry, please wait" he called then ran off back in the direction of the gatehouse.

"I'm sorry", I apologized to the driver while running my fingers once again through Jackson's hair.

"It's alright" The man replied while looking through the rear-view mirror, "How old?" he asked.

"Four" I answered.

"A good age. They are very easy at that age" he revealed as we waited, "All mine are teens now"

"Trust me, there's nothing easy about this one" I laughed. "What you are seeing is very rare indeed"

He chuckled, "I understand. Cherish these moments, they're the ones you'll look back on the fondest"

I wasn't sure I appreciated the unsolicited advice especially since I could expect many more from my mother but it seemed like it was given in good faith so I forced a smile.

"How many do you have?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Three" he answered. Believe it or not, that was the average number of children in my country, if even a bit low of an estimate. Children were seen as a blessing and more was always better. It was the same mentality that gave me five siblings -- well, four now. "You?" he asked.

"Just this one" I smiled.

"Planning more?" He asked. Again, I didn't appreciate the invasive questions but I answered anyway.

"I don't know yet"

That was the best answer I could give. I couldn't exactly say "My best friend died while giving birth to her son and while helping her boyfriend take care of the child, we both started developing feelings for each other and eventually got married so most likely, no more children because I can't have any".

Thankfully, the man from earlier returned and quickly opened the gate allowing me to concentrate on the real issue at hand. 'My family'.

=^..^=

We'd been parked on the driveway for quite some time as my heart raced, watching the house's front door. They hadn't even bothered to come out to meet me. I'm sure they would have sent a driver to meet my sister at the airport but they couldn't even be bothered to come out to the driveway for me.

'Matty, why'd you have to go and die?' I thought to myself. 'If you hadn't, I'd never have come back here'. I gently wiped a rogue tear with the back of my index finger and sniffed, preparing myself to make my appearance.

The cab driver had graciously allowed me to sit and prepare myself even though I was costing him money by taking so much time. I made sure to add a generous tip to his payment before attempting to wake Jackson one more time, "Come on, honey. Stand"

"No," he groaned.

I flashed the driver an apologetic smile before opening the door, "Come on," I awkwardly stepped out before carrying my son out on my arm.

"Do you need help getting the bags inside?" The driver reached out to the passenger side to ask about the bags he'd already placed on the floor of the driveway.

'It's okay, someone will get it" I said once again, unsure of myself. My family had always had numerous caretakers and helpers and it bothered me that no one had come out to help me. I briefly wondered whether they were having money problems before I heard the main door open to reveal my mother and sister.

I waved the driver goodbye and turned to face the two women that I hadn't seen in person in quite some time.

Jackson was once again fast asleep with his head on my shoulder as I approached the waiting women. I courteously smiled as I reached the steps that led up to the front door.

"Hi, mum," I said sheepishly.

She inspected me, everything from my head to my feet with that same judgemental expression I remember from all those years ago. Every time I thought she would say something, she kept it to herself.

"Leah, how have you been?" I turned to my older sister.

"Umm, I'm good. You look different" she commented.

"I guess I do" I smiled awkwardly. They both stood in front of the door and I wasn't entirely sure they were planning to let me through. Maybe I shouldn't have let the cab driver go after all.

"Who is this?" It was the first time I'd heard my mother's voice in just over eleven years and those were the first words she said to me.

"This is my son, Jackson" I forced a smile anyway, "He's tired from the long flight" I wanted to be let in so I could allow him to sleep comfortably if not for anything else, and not have to answer their questions at the door.

I hated Matty for forcing me to be here. I wish he hadn't died and certainly wished he hadn't asked me to come back home for the funeral. He was under the illusion that I had to reconcile with my parents and had used his final request to set his infernal wheels in motion.

His love for and good opinion of our mother would never have allowed him to see that she would never accept a transgender daughter and there was even less chance of her accepting a grandson that shared none of her DNA. This was all pointless and I knew that very well.

"Is there somewhere I can lay him to bed?" I asked hurrying the conversation along, "It's been a long journey"

I noticed my mother's gaze linger on my chest. I'd made the right decision opting for trousers instead of the dress I'd usually wear but the blouse was revealing a fair bit of cleavage.

"Anna" my mother suddenly called out and a young woman dressed in a black and white attire quickly made her appearance. She answered eagerly with her gaze only occasionally shifting to me still standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Bring those bags in, prepare a room" My mother ordered and turned abruptly before heading back in.

There was a brief, uncomfortable moment when my older sister and I locked eyes. I had little hope that things would improve with my mother but I had retained hope that I might patch things up with my two sisters and remaining brother.

She turned to follow our mother back into the house but I quickly called out to her, surprising even myself, "Leah!"

She turned back to look at me. There was a part of me that felt bad for her. Her brother left one day and this woman returned. It can't have been easy.

"Aren't you going to ask me how I've been?" I asked hoping I could steer things in the right direction.

Our eyes locked once more. We had so much history together but now we were strangers. Leah had been the first person to find out about me. She'd found my pills in my room one day after I'd carelessly left them out. She'd thought they were recreational drugs at first and had been understandably very upset with me. I'd had to tell her what they really were and for some weird reason, it had only made her even more upset.

It baffled me for the longest time that my family would have preferred it if I was a drug addict and not transgender. I'd begged her not to tell our parents and she'd agreed for a time, until she needed to get the heat off her after she'd done something really stupid.

She sighed, "How have you been, lil bro?"

Her words took me aback. It felt so unnecessary but so on-brand for her. I couldn't help but scowl in response.

"Don't call me that" I took one step after another up the stairs until I reached her, "At least not in front of him" I added as I walked passed her and through the large front door.

"Whose kid is that, Caleb?" I heard her voice from behind and that was about it. Not even five minutes and I'd already had enough. I knew it was a mistake from the start but at least now I'd fulfilled my promise to Matty.

I ignored her and made my way to the massive living room and lay Jackson gently on one of the chairs careful not to wake him. I didn't want him to see the tears that had begun to fill my eyes.

I hated Matty for bringing me here. His problem was that he always saw the best in people. Maybe that was why he kept in contact with me even after I left home. I'd always wondered if there was ever a better way I could have handled everything back then instead of running. Now I knew I did the best I could and my family was truly impossible.

I searched my bag for my phone. I needed to leave as quickly as possible and preferably before Jackson woke up. I didn't want him to know these people anymore.

"Who are you?" I heard a voice that dragged me away from my panicked thoughts. I recognized it. It was much frailer than I remembered but it was definitely his.

"Dad?" My own voice cracked as it spoke. I hadn't even noticed him in the corner of the living room buried in his chair. He was so old and weak and nothing like the strong man I remembered. The years hadn't been kind to him.

"Who is it?" he asked again tilting his head to get a better look. I'd heard from Matty that he'd survived several illnesses but I didn't expect it to have affected him to this degree.

"It's me, Dad. It's -- Caleb. But I go by Ruth now"

"You're a woman," he said and I wasn't sure if it was a statement, an observation, or a question.

I hadn't planned on reconciling with him but in that moment, being there in front of him, I thought I should at least treat him with respect.

"Yes, Dad. I'm a woman"

The last time I'd said those words to him, he'd beat me. Now he barely looked strong enough to stand let alone raise his hand against me.

"You did it" Once again I wasn't sure whether he was asking me or telling me.

"I did it" I answered nonetheless.

"Who is that?" He asked. It looked like it hurt to talk with the way he forced out the words.

"That's Jackson, my son"

He sighed and lay back in his chair, quietly he said, "I don't understand"

"Jackson is--" I began to explain but approaching footsteps stopped me in my tracks. I quickly prepared myself to go another round with my mother and Leah but it wasn't either one. It was Anna, apologizing and informing me that my room had been prepared and my bags were waiting.

I nodded her away before turning back to my father but his eyes were already closed. The only sign of life was his short, labored breathing. A stranger might have been concerned that he was being left alone in his condition but I knew it would have been his order. It wasn't an exaggeration to say that my father hated people and preferred to keep his own company. He might have never married had it not been arranged.

I realized I was still clutching my phone with the rideshare app waiting for me to continue but surprisingly, I'd changed my mind. There were enough positives in my conversation with my father to make me want to stick it out, at least until I met my other siblings. One of who I knew accepted me for who I was and she would be arriving soon.

I took a deep breath before tossing my phone back in my bag and once again, carrying Jackson in my arms.

"Let's get you to bed," I said finally.

=^..^=

I must have been very exhausted because as soon as Anna led me to my room, I got right to bed alongside Jackson and didn't wake up until he did several hours later.

"Mummy," he said giggling as he climbed on top of me forcing me awake.

"What, honey?" I muttered as I regained my bearings.

"I'm hungry" he pouted.

"Check my bag, sweetie, I think there's some of your burger left," I said shifting uncomfortably in bed before turning to face the other way. I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep. I had barely gotten any sleep before the trip and Jackson hadn't let me get any throughout either.

"I ate it" He replied quickly.

"You ate it? I asked after opening my eyes and turning back to face him.

He nodded and flashed me a toothy grin.

"Is that true?" I asked in disbelief. When would he have had the chance to do that?

He nodded with that same goofy smile causing me to wonder how long I'd been asleep. I liked that he had a good appetite but I didn't want him wandering around unsupervised and eating whatever he wanted.

"Next time, wake mummy up okay?" I said unable to hide my worry.

He nodded again.

I sat up in the bed and rubbed my fingers through his messy hair causing him to giggle as he usually would whenever I did that, "Give mummy a minute, okay? We'll go down and see if we can't find you something"

Each room did have a button you could press and have someone come up and admittedly, I'd used it a lot growing up but now it seemed strange to have someone at your beck and call without ever leaving your bed.

'5:52 pm' I thought to myself after checking my phone. It had been 5 hours since we arrived here. I mentally kicked myself for leaving Jackson alone for so long and hoped he would have been asleep for most of it. He looked full of energy so he must have been well rested.

I made my way to the bathroom and turned on the light. I was caught off-guard by my disheveled reflection. My hair was a tangled mess and I'd even fallen asleep without taking off my makeup. I realized I must have been running on fumes all day so I was glad I'd decided to stay and not get back on the road in that state. This city might have been my home once but now I was a stranger.

I would never do anything to put Jackson in harm's way.

I splashed water on my face and ran my fingers through my hair before exiting the bathroom.

"Ready?" his eyes perked up as I reappeared.

"No" I smiled, "Be patient. You can play with my phone while you wait"

"Tee" he squealed and hurried across the bed to retrieve the phone.

I shook my head as I made my way for our bags in the corner.

'The last thing I want to do was face my family looking like a trainwreck' I thought to myself as I retrieved my makeup remover, hair brush, and other necessary items.

=^..^=

I led Jackson down the hall towards the staircase that led downstairs. I remembered running down these halls as a child and now I was leading mine down the same path. So much time had passed and so many memories I'd forgotten over the years, a lot of good but also a lot of bad.

"When is daddy coming?" Jackson asked skipping along without a worry in the world.

"Soon, darling" I assured him even though I wasn't sure we'd be here till then, "Daddy will be here soon"

Tom had been on a business trip for nearly three weeks already so even I hadn't seen him in some time. Naturally, he'd wanted me to wait for him to return so we could fly together as a family but I'd convinced him to have us fly separately.

My reasoning was that we shouldn't waste the money for his flight back home when he could simply take a flight straight here. He hadn't been happy with this arrangement and had even pointed out the ticket home wasn't coming out of his pocket, but I'd been set on it so he reluctantly agreed.

The real reason I wanted us to come separately was so he wouldn't see my family treat me poorly like I feared they might. Tom was much less tolerant of bigots than I was and had been known to fly off the handle especially where I was concerned.

This way, I figured I'd test the waters first, and if I thought it wouldn't work out, I could keep him away from my family altogether. It helped that we found a flight for him two days after mine to give me time to decide.

"I miss Daddy" I heard Jackson say. I turned to him and was met with the cutest face which caused my heart to melt.

"Me too, baby" I couldn't hide my adoration, "I miss him too"

He and Jackson were the best things that ever happened to me and for that reason, I always felt extremely guilty. They were supposed to be Ashley's best things, not mine.

I squeezed Jackson's hand gently and prayed I'd never have to let go. I owed Ashley the life I had now and knew I would never stop feeling grateful for as long as I lived.

=^..^=

My memory proved to be sufficiently accurate and we eventually reached the kitchen and found the staff preparing what looked nothing short of a feast.

"Good evening, ma'am" One of the women quickly spoke as I appeared.

"Can I get some food for my son?" I asked politely. The younger me might not have been so courteous with the help.

"What would he like? We can prepare it"

"Anything is fine" I assured her trying not to bother them too much seeing as they had several large meals to prepare. "Just absolutely no nuts. He's allergic."

"Understood, ma'am"

I thanked the woman before turning to leave, "Just be a little patient, Jackson"

"Okay, mummy"

We had only made our way back to the stairs before we were accosted by my mother.

"Your brother is here," she said, "We're all in the garden. Why don't you join us?" she offered.

My brother, the golden child. Heir to my father's entire business. Like me, he had a child of his own but unlike me, his was biologically related to our parents. He was everything my mother wished I would have been. For a long time, I too wished I could have been like him.

It was a long time ago now.

"Okay," I said quietly then watched my mother walk passed me and towards the kitchen.

She hadn't even acknowledged Jackson's presence.

=^..^=

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Hi again. Thanks for reading. I know it's just the first chapter but what do you think about it so far? Either way, I hope you'll stay for the rest of it.