I tested the microphone by tapping it lightly and feedback rang throughout the tent.
 
"Sorry," I said quietly with an awkward smile then repeated it through the microphone loud enough for everyone to hear.
 
I'd raised my hand to say a few words about Matty because I'd felt like I needed to but up until I got on that stage, I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to say.
 
"Some of you know me, some don't" I began and watched the guests go silent offering me their full attention, "I'm Matty's sister, Ruth"
 
"There's not much else to say about what an amazing person my brother was. Listening to your stories about him has really warmed my heart to know that he was loved as much as he loved"
 
I briefly scanned the crowd and eventually settled on my family's worried faces, no doubt concerned about what I might say in front of so many people.
 
My gaze shifted to my son who had the biggest smile as he watched me.
 
"And that is saying something because Matty loved so much" My voice cracked as memories with him began flooding in, "He loved us so much. I remember what it was like when we were younger, Rebecca will remember this too--"
 
I looked at her and smiled and she smiled back.
 
"Whenever Matty was on break from Boarding School, he'd come back and he'd spend the entire time with us" I regaled the guests, "I remember how he'd dress up like a rock star and put on a concert for us" I laughed.
 
"I'm not sure if you all know this but my brother played a mean guitar--" my voice grew softer as the memories played in my head. I could almost hear the excellent strumming of the guitar mixed with his subpar vocals.
 
"What kind of 17-year-old wants to spend his break hanging out with his dumb little sisters?" I asked and teared up a bit.
 
"But Matty was just like that" I explained, "He always just did the best thing for everyone which is why I still can't believe he's-- It's so--" I let my hand holding the microphone drop to my side, closed my eyes and tried not to cry in front of everyone.
 
"I'm sorry," I said through the tears that I'd failed to stop from rolling down my cheeks. "Thank you all for coming. I know he would have loved to see all of you here"
 
I gently placed the microphone down and quickly made my way off the stage and out of the tent.

=^..^=
 
I walked and walked until I found myself at the pier next to Dad's old boat. As a kid, he'd always warned us away from his prized possession but here it was, rotting away from years of negligence.
 
The water was calm like it usually was here and reflected the early evening sun brilliantly. As my dress blew softly in the wind, I noted what a picturesque day it was. It was as though the world knew to be perfect on a day like today. Perfect, just like my brother was.
 
"Why can't you be more like your brother?!" The memory of my mother yelling at me all those years ago invaded my mind.
 
Matty's perfection had always made me seem worse by comparison and there had been times I'd detested him for it.
 
This particular moment was several months after my parents found out I'd been transitioning in secret. I'd walked into my room that evening to find my mother standing there looking very upset. My room was a mess and on the bed were the clothes I'd kept hidden deep in my wardrobe. There were skirts, blouses, and more of the like.
 
"Why do you keep doing this?" she'd asked.
 
"Doing what? Wearing clothes?" Even back then I'd been so utterly confused why it had been such a big deal.
 
"Why can't you be more like your brother?!" she'd asked in exasperation after we'd gone back and forth a few times. That statement might have been encouraged by the excellence award Matty had been given only weeks prior.
 
Back then, I'd had the wrong reaction of taking it out on my brother. I'd avoided him for days.
 
Not one to let things be, Matty had repeatedly tried to talk to me until I exploded in his face.
 
"Jesus Christ, just leave me alone!"
 
"What is going on with you?" He'd asked confused, "Did I do something wrong?"
 
"No, of course not," I'd replied angrily, "You never do anything wrong-- ever"
 
I must have sounded so crazy but he never made me feel like I was. He'd taken my words seriously, which would have only infuriated me more.
 
As I left the pier and headed back towards the tent, I thought, 'What I wouldn't give to fight with him one more time"

=^..^=
 
As I approached the tent, there was an old, but familiar face waiting just outside and it looked to me like he'd been waiting for me.
 
"Pastor Francis," I said his name as our eyes met, "Good evening"
 
"Good evening child" his gruff voice replied.
 
Naturally, he looked much older than when we last met.
 
The aroma of assorted dishes and the rumble of chattering voices were coming from inside the tent which told me the guests had finished sharing their stories and the event was coming to an end.
 
"I didn't know you were here" I commented.
 
"Matthew was one of my flock after all" he explained, "It's only right that I should be here"
 
I hadn't seen him amongst the guests when I went up on stage. Had I missed him, or had he only just arrived?
 
"What are you really doing here?" I asked. It may have seemed rude at first but given our last encounter, I felt I was justified to be on edge and to ask that.
 
"To celebrate your brother--" he paused, "But also to see you"
 
Many times over the years, his words had played over and over again in my head. The look on his sweaty face back then as he bathed me in holy water and repeated those words.
 
"You demon, I command you out of this boy in the name of Jesus"
 
For good measure, he'd commanded I'd be starved as well to "weaken the demon". My mother had obeyed and my father had kept out of it content to let me suffer if it got him his son back.
 
"You've seen me" I replied to him, "You can go now"
 
"Wait" he called out to me as I started to walk past him. "I just--"
 
"Did my mother ask you here?" I turned and asked him. I had gotten him out of my head a long time ago and didn't intend to bother with him anymore but if my mother had invited him after our history, I wasn't sure I could forgive her.
 
"Your mother cares about you very much" he answered and it told me everything I needed to know.
 
I couldn't believe her. I kept clinging to the hope that things could change but every time we took a step forward, she took two steps back.
 
I turned once again to make my way back into the tent but he called me by that name.
 
"Caleb"
 
I froze. I was tired of hearing that name. I'd gone years without hearing it and in a day and a half, I'd heard it enough times to make my ears bleed.
 
"You must pray with me, " I heard him say, "Your eternal soul--"
 
"Do you honestly believe the shit that comes out of your mouth?" I stared at him angrily. I pointed at him and said one last time before disappearing into the tent, "Go away".

=^..^=
 
Thankfully, it had been loud enough in there that no one could possibly have heard my conversation with the pastor.
 
I quickly made my towards our table to confront my mother which I found scanty. There was no one else present except Jess and the kids who ate together.
 
"Mummy, look" Jackson pointed excitedly at the plate of fried rice in front of him, his favorite food.
 
"Oh that looks wonderful, honey" I forced a smile amidst all the turmoil I was feeling, "Remember to chew really well, okay?"
 
He nodded and shoveled another spoonful into his mouth.
 
Just like his father, Jackson tended to eat very quickly especially if it was something he liked.
 
"Thank you so much for looking after him" I turned to Jess.
 
"Oh please, he's easy, and so very adorable".
 
"Where's my mother?"
 
"Back at the house, I think" she answered and with that, I was out of the tent and headed down the path that led to the house.
 
"Where is my mother?" I asked the first house staff I found.
 
"Uh-um, Upstairs parlor I think" The girl answered shakily.
 
I stomped up the stairs, quickly made my way through the halls, and pushed open the door to the parlor.
 
"How could you bring him here?" I asked as soon as I laid eyes on her.
 
Besides my mother, Leah was also in the room as well as another one of the help.
 
My mother quickly dismissed the help who quickly bowed and scurried past me and out the door.
 
"What is it now?" My mother asked.
 
"You know what I'm talking about" I stepped forward, "Pastor Francis"
 
"He was Matty's pastor" my mother replied, "he deserves to be here like everyone else"
 
"Oh yeah, he gave me the same excuse" I gave her a look that told her I wasn't buying it.
 
"I invited him" Leah chimed in, "I hoped he could talk some sense into you since you won't listen to anyone here"
 
"Not now Leah" My mother stepped up, "Your brother-- your sister clearly has things 'she' wants to say to me"

She said the words as though they demanded a heavy toll to say them. It pissed me off. I refused to believe it was that hard for her.
 
"Fuck!" I screamed. "Fuck! Fuck!"
 
Leah looked at me and shook her head.
 
"Calm down" my mother ordered, "Let's not ruin your brother's celebration"
 
"Me? I'm ruining it? You brought that man here after everything he did to me!"
 
"We only ever tried to help you" Mum defended herself, "Maybe we went about it the wrong way, but that does not excuse you swearing all over the place"
 
"You're not the only one having a hard time here," Leah spoke again, "Can you stop for one second to consider what everyone else is going through?"
 
"What are you going through, Leah? Hmm? No really, tell me" I turned sharply to her, "The guy that nearly killed me is out in the garden right now having a grand ol' time. But no, what are you going through?"
 
"That's enough from both of you," my mother said firmly. "Ruth," she said my name and took in a deep breath afterward, "I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't know you still held those feelings. I'll ask him to leave"
 
I scoffed, "Well one of us is leaving, that's for sure" I turned and exited the room, slamming the door behind me.

=^..^=
 
I couldn't move, let alone force myself out of bed. After leaving my mother, I'd come right back to my room to hide from everything and everyone.
 
It made me feel terrible. I felt like such an awful mother leaving my son in Jess' care. I'd rationalized that she wouldn't let anything happen to him but how would I know that? Could I really trust her to care for him in my absence?
 
As the paranoia set in, I began to feel that much more powerless and sink deeper into my despair.
 
I shouldn't have had to fight so hard around my own family.
 
'Get up, Jackson needs you" I thought to myself, focused only on my love for him and forced myself out of bed.
 
I walked over to the full-length mirror and examined myself. I looked terrible. My hair was disheveled and my dress was a rumpled mess.
 
I did what I could about the hair, wiped off the makeup that had become smeared, and hoped the guests would have departed by that point.
 
I had made it to the door and was reaching for the handle when I heard a knock and stopped in my tracks.
 
What was it now? Who was it?
 
"Who is it?" I called out.
 
"You have a guest, madam" one of the staff called back in response.
 
A guest?
 
I slowly opened the door and asked, "A guest? Who is it?"
 
"I am sorry, I do not know," she told me, "I just received this message"
 
"Where is this guest?"
 
"In the living room, madam" she replied, bowed, and was on her way.
 
I didn't understand. As I made my way down the hall and towards the staircase, I wondered who it could be. I wasn't sure I had it in me to deal with another blast from the past.
 
Maybe an old friend? A classmate perhaps? I couldn't imagine what any of them would say if they saw me now.
 
I racked my brain to figure out who it could be but came up empty even as I descended the steps and walked the final steps to the living room.
 
I stood right outside the entrance and could hear muffled voices coming from within. With no further delay, I walked through and made my appearance.
 
Jackson had been the first to notice my entrance.
 
"Mummy, Daddy's here" he'd said and I could clearly see my husband sitting there across from my parents but I still couldn't believe it.

Tom turned towards the entrance to look at me and my mouth hung open.

"How?" I asked with a confused smile.

"Hi, baby" He stood from his seat then replied with a pleased smile, "Surprise"

"How are you here?" I asked then glanced at my parents who sat quietly watching our exchange.

My mother and I had gotten into it earlier and this wasn't at all how I expected our follow-up conversation to go.

"I got an earlier flight," he answered looking very happy to see me, "I wanted to surprise you"

He took one step forward and I hurried across the room into his arms. For a moment I just stood there with my head buried in his chest, drinking him in.

We separated slightly and he kissed me right there and then, causing me to moan with pleasure and lean into his lips as I felt his beard on my skin. I had missed this, that feeling when he kissed me and all my fears would melt away.

The whole world threatened to fade away until I heard my mother clear her throat and I was snapped back to reality.

"How did you get here?" I asked after our lips parted.

"Your sister may have helped a bit" he answered as he guided me down to sit beside him. He threw his arm around my shoulder after which I placed my hand on my shoulder so our hands met. I rubbed his hairy hand gently which my mother had noticed and ignored.

My husband was a bit of a bear and over the years, I'd developed the habit of rubbing the hairs around his body, especially those on his chest. Sometimes I felt he kept himself so hairy just for me. A hairy partner might not have done it for every woman, but my goodness it did it for me.

I noticed Jackson was totally engulfed by a box I didn't recognize and the packaging of which I couldn't read from that angle.

"I got him something" Tom quickly commented noticing my gaze.

"Let me see that, honey" I called out softly to my son who hurried over to meet me. I let go of Tom's hand for a moment to take the box from Jackson. It looked to be some kind of gaming handheld but I was wholly out of touch in that regard.

That was more something Tom and Jackson shared together and normally I liked it when they spent time together playing their games but this was the first one Jackson had received as a present and Tom knew how important limiting his screen time was to me.

"Okay honey, go have fun," I said handing the box back to my excited son, "We'll set some ground rules later"

"I wish you'd have talked to me before getting him something like that," I whispered to my husband before replacing my hand over his on my shoulder.

"I know, but in my defense, I only saw it at the airport today and didn't want to spoil the surprise" he whispered back, "Besides, I've been away for so long, I had to cheat a little with him"

He pulled me closer to him which caused me to look at my mother nervously. My father who would normally just stare into space was watching us as well. Tom didn't care, if anything, he was being a bit more affectionate than usual.

I thought back to the jumble of voices I'd heard as I approached the living room. They had been having a conversation before I walked in but were being quiet now which made me uncomfortable.

I was worried about what Tom might have said or done if my mother had said something cruel about me. It could be argued that I hadn't taken my family's actions as well as I could have but no matter how badly I reacted to transphobia, Tom was worse.

"What were you guys talking about--" I asked cautiously, "before I came in"

So imagine my surprise when Tom replied with a carefree smile, "I was just apologizing to your parents for having married their daughter without making any attempts to meet them first"

It was odd. I'd complained to him that they hated me and was fully planning to keep him away from them in fear of the eruption I expected, but this reaction was anything but that.

"I also brought this very nice, very old bottle of brandy to help with my apology" he smiled at my parents and then at me. "Your sister might have helped with that as well"

His reaction wasn't at all what I had expected.

I'd considered making a fuss about bringing my father more alcohol but decided to let it go. If my parents had accepted a gift from my husband, better to just be happy about it.

My mother had remained quiet since I walked into the room and just sat there watching me sit demurely with Tom's arm around me.

"Well Mum, Dad, you've met Tom, my husband" I spoke to move the conversation along, "I'm sorry it took so long for you to meet him"

My mother suddenly shifted her attention away from me and rose to her feet. Without a word, she walked over and pressed the button that called for the help and only a short moment later, one of them hurried into the room.

"Prepare one of the larger rooms and move my daughter's things in, along with the others that just arrived" she ordered.

The girl nodded and departed quickly.

"Dinner will be ready soon, I hope you're hungry" she turned her attention back to Tom.

"Famished" he replied simply.

I squeezed Tom's hand gently and prepared for him to meet the rest of my family. What had happened to my plans of leaving right after Matty's celebration?

=^..^=

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Hiya. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd love to hear your thoughts so far.