I found it difficult to take another step. I wasn't sure I was mentally prepared to go another round with my mother and sister especially with my brother having arrived to provide them with reinforcement.

Even worse was the fact that I'd be bringing Jackson into their presence. I didn't know what I'd do if someone said something cruel to him. I wasn't sure I was strong enough.

I looked down at my son and found him counting the fingers on his free hand as if they were the most fascinating things in the world. He was so precious and I would do anything for him.

"Honey?" I called to get his attention as I dropped to one knee to be level with him.

"Yes, mummy?" his wide eyes peered deep into mine expectantly.

I ran my palm down the side of his head, framed his face with his hair, and squeezed his cheeks. He giggled.

"Mummy loves you, okay? More than anything in the whole world"

"More than Daddy?" he asked innocently.

I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair, "Yes, even more than Daddy. But he is second place after you"

"Okay," he replied matter-of-factly.

I smoothed his clothes and arranged his hair the way he liked it, then I did my best to stay strong for him if nothing else.

"Do you want to go meet your uncle and auntie?"

"Auntie Clara?" he asked.

"Auntie Clara is Daddy's sister" I explained, "Daddy's sibling. Do you know what that means?"

Jackson shook his head in response.

"A sibling is a brother or sister. Uncle Aaron and Auntie Leah are Mummy's brother and sister"

"Uncle Aaron--" he repeated.

"Yes, and Auntie Leah. I want you to be good to them, okay?"

"Okay, Mummy"

With that, I rose to my feet and prepared myself.

=^..^=

The evening breeze was a pleasant change of pace from the hot afternoon sun.

I led Jackson down the path to the garden that I'd taken so many times as a kid. There were moments when I'd come across a stone statue or a patch of grass and I'd be revisited by a memory I thought was long gone.

If I focused hard enough on them, I could almost hear Rebecca and I giggling as we explored every last inch of our surroundings. With Rebecca and I being so close in age, we did pretty much everything together. We enjoyed all the same things too and as such we were inseparable.

In truth, I was a very happy child and content in the life that I lived. Several times, I'd listened to stories from other women like me and they'd have always felt different. They'd have always known they were born in the wrong body.

Maybe I wasn't a very smart kid because my distress didn't manifest until adolescence when I finally understood the fundamental difference between Rebecca and me. It was like a switch flipped in my head and one random day, I became convinced I would never be happy again.

The things I'd been so oblivious to became clear as day overnight. The clothes I was made to wear, the color of the toys my parents bought me, and the extracurricular classes my parents enrolled me in.

My world shattered overnight and nobody noticed.

It was the sounds of spirited conversation that brought me back to reality but as Jackson and I came within view of the large gazebo which housed the table and chairs where my family sat entertaining themselves, the chatter ceased immediately.

As I approached the quiet group I quickly scanned the faces present. Leah I'd already met but the new faces belonged to my brother, Aaron, his wife whose name Matty had told me before but I'd forgotten, their 3-year-old daughter, Sarah, and an even newer face, a baby in his wife's arms.

"Aaron, hi, how have you been?" I called out to him.

I'd promised Matty I would try and that was what I intended to do.

"Is that really you?" Aaron asked with his shock clearly written on his face.

I smiled and prayed for acceptance.

"Hi there, I'm Jess" His wife perked up cheerfully but remained seated with the baby in her arms, "We haven't met"

"Yes, hi. I'm Ruth. It's nice to finally meet you" I replied stepping up to the table while holding Jackson's hand firmly. From my position, I'd noticed Leah roll her eyes but quickly ignored it.

"That one there is Sarah" Jess introduced her little daughter who sat in the corner playing with an iPad. "This one is David, our newest" she gestured to the baby.

"He's so cute" I responded with a smile, "And so well-behaved. Jackson here was such a loud baby, didn't get any sleep for months"

"Oh, I know what you mean. Sarah was the exact same way, and still is really. Thank God for the iPad or I wouldn't be able to cope" she replied giving me a knowing smile.

His wife was steering the conversation which was for the best because Aaron still looked stunned and remained staring at me. Leah just looked too sour to have any input.

"I take it Aaron named the children?" I asked Jess cheerfully, just happy to have someone here be kind to me, "I see they follow our weird family tradition of having bible names"

She laughed, "I kind of like it to be honest. As long as it isn't anything weird like Hezekiah"

"What's going on here?" I heard Aaron ask which effectively silenced the conversation.

For a moment, we were silent and I dreaded what Aaron would say. I dreaded Jackson hearing something cruel about me.

"Is it okay if Jackson plays with Sarah?" I asked Jess.

She looked at her husband briefly before nodding.

I turned to my son and smoothed his hair, "Honey?"

"Yes, mummy?"

"That girl over there is your cousin, go play with her, okay? Be good, okay?"

I reluctantly let go of his hand and watched him skip over to Sarah who until that point hadn't been paying us any mind. I wished Jackson would follow suit as I talked to my brother.

Turning to Aaron I asked, "Is there a problem?"

"What do you mean "is there a problem?", look at you" He retorted, "And who the hell is he?"

"Aaron, you're my brother and I love you but don't you dare speak about my son that way"

"Your son?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes, my son!" I raised my voice.

"Mummy?" I heard Jackson call out and the scared look on his face broke my heart.

"It's okay, honey" I answered quickly in the softest voice I could manage, "Just play with your cousin"

"I'll take the kids somewhere else" Jess offered as she shuffled to her feet with the baby still in her arms.

I watched her as she made her way over to Jackson and Sarah and spoke softly, "Alright kids, who wants cake?"

That caught both their attention and they quickly shuffled in behind Jess. The silence prevailed until Jess and the kids were out of sight and eyeshot before I turned back to Aaron. I wasn't finished.

"You can say whatever you want about me, but leave my son out of it" I spoke quickly, "Leah, the same goes for you"

"You know, you've never had any respect" Leah replied, "That's always been your problem. Well one of them anyway"

"Respect?" I might have laughed a bit at her statement, "I have been nothing but respectful towards you all my life but you--"

"That is not the problem here, Caleb" Aaron interrupted me. "Bro, look at yourself"

"MY NAME IS RUTH!" I screamed. These two had a way of riling me up in a way nobody else could, "I'm not your brother. I don't even want to be your sister. I don't want to be anything to you."

"Then what are you doing here?" he asked.

I was asking myself the same thing.

"I'm here for Matty's funeral. Our brother. Remember him?" I asked.

"You know," Aaron sighed, "I was happy when I heard you'd come back. I thought maybe you'd finally come to your senses but seeing you now--" he laughed.

He laughed.

"-- getting that poor child to see you as its mother --"

I clenched my fist as I listened to the words from my brother's mouth.

"--you need serious help, man" he finished.

I stepped forward angrily and without thinking. I still don't know what I had intended to do.

"What's going on here?" I heard my mother shout. The same words exiting her lips had terrified me many times as a child and was always enough to send me cowering into submission but now, my angry gaze remained locked on Aaron with his cruel words.

"Sit down, all of you" I heard my mother say. Aaron and Leah both returned to their original chairs leaving me standing alone in disobedience with my fingers clenched.

"Sit down, Ruth" I heard the words clearly enough but couldn't believe them.

I turned to look at her and found no reason to believe she was making fun of me. My expression softened as I found a chair to sit in obediently.

I watched my mother roll my father in his wheelchair to the head of the table. God, he looked terribly. His entire posture seemed to have bent permanently to the left. The aftermath of his illness was truly brutal.

"Mum, you're not taking part in this madness now, are you?" Aaron asked turning to her.

"Where you go, I will go" My mother began reciting and I immediately knew where she was going with it. "and where you stay, I will stay"

"Your people will be my people and your God my God" I finished her sentence.

"Ruth 1:16," My mother said finally.

I knew the words because my mother had read them to me many times as a child before everything turned sour. Despite losing my faith a few years into discovering my identity, I'd chosen Ruth's name for myself because I admired her more than anyone else in the bible. In a way, my mother despite being thousands of miles away had had a hand in deciding my new name.

"I've begun to wonder whether all of this is my fault. Should I have read passages to you about the strong men of the Bible instead?" She asked. In her eyes, there was a glimpse of the woman who adored me more than anyone else so many years ago.

"Mum, this has nothing to do with that. I would have been a woman no matter what you read me" I explained. I wanted so much to walk up to her and hug her as I remembered all the nights she spent at my bedside.

She shook her head, "I'm so sorry. I took you to all my appointments, I took you to the hairdresser, I took you dress shopping. I confused you. This is all my fault"

"It's not, please don't say that" I begged, "It undermines everything I've gone through to get here."

"Then why?" The look in her eyes told me she was genuinely asking and I was ashamed to say I didn't have any clever medical answer to give.

"I was born this way," I answered, "I've been a woman from the start. I was always going to end up like this. Mum, believe me, there was nothing you could have done"

I looked at Aaron and Leah and both of them simply remained quiet listening to the exchange.

"I gave birth to a son. You're a man, like your father" she remained adamant.

My gaze briefly shifted to my father who looked to be staring mindlessly into space. I couldn't reconcile the broken man in front of me with the one I grew up with.

"You're not a woman," My mother continued, "You're not a mother, don't you see? You didn't carry that child for nine months in your belly and give birth to him. You didn't breastfeed him"

"Lots of women can't give birth" I argued, "Does that make them any less women? Lots of women try and fail all their lives, are they not women?"

I paused to give them the chance to answer but no one said anything because we all knew the truth. It was a universal truth that the ability to birth a child only mattered when it concerned women like me.

"And not that it matters at all but I breastfed Jackson" I added then let the silence fill the air.

Tom and I had tried formula but Jackson simply wouldn't feed. Even when he did, he reacted poorly to it. When our doctor suggested my breastfeeding him as an alternative, we only agreed after numerous back and forth regarding its safety.

"Oh my God" I heard those words leave my mother's lips and quickly realized my mistake. I had been too honest. I shouldn't have told them that last part. It was too much for my old-fashioned family to handle.

"What?" I asked even though I knew exactly what.

"You shouldn't do that" My mother made her position clear, "It is unnatural"

"Why? Why is that so wrong?" I challenged them. I had already let the cat out of the bag, there was no use shying away now, "I fed my baby when he was hungry. Why is that so bad? Why is any of this so bad? Tell me. What have I ever done that was so bad?"

"Caleb, it's not right" My mother argued.

I pulled the chair back and stood to my feet abruptly.

"My name is Ruth!"

I had thought things were improving, that maybe there was a chance I could get my mother to accept me for who I was but I'd quickly discovered how wrong I was.

I turned to exit the gazebo but found my son walking the path back to me alongside his cousin and her mother. Behind them was one of the house staff pushing a covered cart.

Jackson had a cup of ice cream in his hand and he flashed me a bright smile when he saw me watching his approach. I smiled back. Everything I'd been feeling washed right away leaving only the love I had for him.

My heart warmed as he sped up to meet me.

"Mummy, I like it here," he said excitedly before he shoveled a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

"I'm glad you like it, honey" I placed my hand gently on his back and guided him to an empty chair next to mine, "sit beside me, okay? Did you have fun with your cousin?"

He nodded.

"I hope we're not intruding," Jess said as she arrived, "I thought it would be better for the children to eat out here given the lovely weather"

"Thank you, Jess," I said to her, "Really"

"Of course" she replied, "He's very charming"

I sat back down as the conversations ended and allowed the staff to serve the children's food. For the adults, they had brought and opened a bottle of wine and brandy. I allowed the young woman who had brought the cart to fill a glass for me and made sure to thank her before she left.

For a time, the children ate and the adults drank in silence. I would occasionally catch them staring intently at Jackson especially one time when he began coughing and I rubbed his back.

I wasn't sure why they were suddenly taking an interest in him after disregarding his existence the whole day but I did my best to ignore it.

A bit of excitement occurred when my father who had been inanimate for most of the conversation began gesturing towards the bottle of brandy.

To my surprise, Aaron got to his feet, poured some of the drink into a cup, and placed it in my father's grasp. My father grunted his approval as Aaron retreated to his seat.

"What are you doing?" I asked in disbelief.

Aaron looked at me as though I was the crazy one.

"He shouldn't be drinking in his condition" I explained.

"It's fine" Aaron dismissed me.

I knew I should have picked my battles better. If my mother wasn't even saying anything, what right did I have to object?

"It's not fine, he's not well" I sat up in my chair.

I noticed Jackson had stopped eating and was watching and listening to me so I quickly urged him to continue, "Eat your food, honey"

"He's not sick because of alcohol, can you just listen for once in your life?" Leah chimed in.

"And so? His body is weak, the alcohol could cause other issues"

"Since when did you become a doctor, anyway?" she retorted.

My mother shook her head, my father paid us no mind, and shakily brought the glass to his lips. I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it so I decided to let it go.

I sat back in my chair and looked away but Leah was never known to be so gracious.

"I'm the one that looked after Dad while you were off mutilating your body" she attacked me, "Don't pretend you care now. I'm the one that stayed home while everyone went off doing their own thing"

It was uncalled for. Not just saying those words without any warning but saying them in front of Jackson who looked visibly distressed. I just couldn't stand her anymore. I'd had enough.

"Oh please, you only came back home because your husband divorced you," I told her.

Maybe it was petty to stoop down to her level. Maybe I should have been the bigger person and let her comments go. Maybe I shouldn't have enjoyed the defeated look on her face as she got up and left the gazebo.

"Leah!" My mother called out to her after shooting me an exasperated look. Mum called out to her one more time before she was out of sight.

"I can't believe you" My mother turned back to me. I had nothing more to say so I simply crossed my arms and looked away once again.

Thankfully I was saved by my mother's phone ringing before she could say any more to me. She took one look at the caller ID and her eyes brightened.

I watched my mother be several times more animated than she had been since I came home. It was a short but seemingly sweet conversation with someone on the phone.

When she finished, she excitedly informed us that it was my sister, Rebecca, and that she was about to board her flight and that we'd see her soon.

I might have been jealous over the joy she was able to bring my mother with only a phone call but I was much too excited about her arrival to care.

=^..^=

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Hiya, thanks for reading. What do you think about it so far? The good, the bad, and the ugly.