The thing I remember most is that I didn't cry. It's funny how the mind works like that. I don't remember the words my sisters said to me, or what they were wearing, or even if they were crying- all I remember is that I didn't cry.

And that I'd just been told the most devastating news a 13-year-old boy could hear: that his parents were both dead.

It was a car crash, apparently, somewhere on the M1. I'd been playing with a friend (well, friend of the family) in a park near where we lived in Luton while my parents had been visiting my sisters, who both live in London. They'd invited me to go with them, but I'd declined as I'd never really got along with my sisters- especially when we were younger.

My oldest sister, Sonia, is twelve years older than me, and my next-oldest sister, Melanie, is just over nine years older than me, and that age gap meant that while they were close to each other, they never grew particularly close to me. However, the fact that they were close to each other, and considerably older than me, meant that more often than not, I'd be the one they turned to whenever they wanted some 'fun'.

'Fun' in this case meaning 'treating me like one of their dolls'. Though by the time they'd reached their teens, both Sonia and Melanie had grown out of playing with dolls. And in fairness, why wouldn't they, when they had me to dress up instead?

For some reason, the moment that sticks in my head most of all was just after I'd turned six. It was a weekend in early February, and Sonia had demanded that I go into her room. And I mean 'demanded'. It was never 'Liam, can you come here for a minute, please?' or 'Liam, have you got a second?'. It was always 'Liam, come here'. And I always went, just as dutiful baby brothers are supposed to do (or at least, that's what they told me).

"Aww, there he is!" Sonia said in her patronising babyish voice she used whenever she talked to me. "Come and sit on the bed."

"Now Liam, do you know what day it is on Thursday?" Melanie asked, giggling as I shook my head. "It's Valentine's Day! Do you know why Valentine's Day is special?"

"Is it when people who love each other do special things for each other?" I asked naively, causing both of my sisters to almost bend double with laughter. Of course, now that I'm thirteen, I understand why they'd laugh so much at me saying 'special things', but back then, I didn't find it funny. My sisters were far from finished, though.

"It's also a day when people who love each other get dressed up in fancy clothing!" Melanie teased as Sonia watched on with an evil glint in her eye. I immediately felt my heart sink as I knew what was coming next.

"Do you want to get dressed up, Liam?" Sonia asked, making me gulp with nerves.

"No, I don't want to..." I feebly mumbled, even though I knew it didn't matter what I said- my sisters had made their minds up. I WAS getting dressed up, whether I liked it or not.

And boy, did they indeed dress me up. I was stripped down to my underwear and zipped into one of Melanie's old party frocks. The fact that it was much too large for me didn't deter my sisters- they simply fastened a belt around my waist and pulled it so tight I thought that my only way out of the dress was to be cut out of it. But they didn't stop there. I had a pair of Melanie's old Mary-Jane shoes fastened to my feet (with several pairs of socks on my feet to make them big enough to fit the shoes- and more importantly, prevent me from slipping out of them), before I was sat down at Sonia's make-up table, where my REAL humiliation was about to begin.

Extra-thick foundation, bright pink blush and layer after layer of eyeshadow and lipstick were applied to my face until virtually none of my skin poked through. By the time my sisters proclaimed me 'done', I didn't so much look like a girl as I did the Joker from Batman. And certainly, no one would ever have mistaken me for a little boy.

"Ta-da!" Sonia said as she showed me my reflection in the mirror, while Melanie took photos with her phone. "What do you think? Are you ready for your hot date with your boyfriend?"

"I feel stupid..." I moaned as tears started to form in my eyes.

"Don't cry, you'll ruin your make-up!" Melanie admonished me. "And that make-up was expensive, too! So, what do you say when you're given an expensive gift?" I clenched my jaw shut, though I knew I'd never get away without giving them an answer.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"I didn't hear that?" Sonia teased.

"Thank you," I said louder, raising my voice for two reasons- the first being that it'd hopefully satisfy my sisters- though I knew that was at best a vain hope. The second reason, though, was that it'd hopefully attract other attention- and that hope proved to not be in vain when a knock came from the bedroom door seconds later.

"Liam?" Dad asked from the other side of the door. "Did I just hear your voice coming from your sister's room? Are you in there by yourself? You know your sisters don't like you poking through their stuff."

"Yeah, Liam, quit poking through our stuff," Melanie said, making me shrivel as dad opened the door and sighed at the sight that greeted him.

"...Ugh, Liam..." Dad groaned.

"We caught him going through Sonia's old stuff!" Melanie said, making me angry in addition to upset as she tried to shift the blame onto me.

"Okay," dad sighed. "First, Melanie, that's your old dress. Second, this is hardly the first time you've done this to your brother. And third, I don't like being lied to. Get back to your room, we'll talk later. Sonia- don't you go anywhere either."

"Yes, dad," my sisters mumbled, knowing better than to argue with our father as he took me to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

"Okay, get those clothes off and in the laundry," dad said, an instruction I didn't hesitate to follow. "Liam... Did- did you go through your sister's clothes without their permission?"

"No," I mumbled, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"I thought not," dad said, "but I had to ask, just to be sure. Liam, you- you shouldn't let your sisters push you around like this. You shouldn't be afraid to say 'no' to them if they're making you do something you don't want to, okay?"

"Yes dad," I mumbled, though as the following few years would prove, it was easier said than done.

Once Valentine's Day 2013 was forgotten about, Sonia and Melanie went right back to their old tricks. Despite me heeding dad's advice and saying 'no' whenever they demanded me, I'd inevitably end up right back in one of their bedrooms, and right back in one of their frocks, or swimsuits, with make-up slathered all over my face...

Our parents would chastise my sisters each time this happened, of course, but that never deterred them- there wasn't any practical punishment my parents could give to two girls who were to all intents and purposes already adults. In most ways, anyway.

Even when Sonia went to university that summer, the teasing didn't let up, as over the holidays she'd come home, and it'd start right back up again. And with Melanie choosing not to go to university, these 'sessions' continued right up until they both moved to London two years ago, just before I started secondary school.

Thankfully, no one at school ever found out about the 'sessions'. God knows what would've happened if they did, as it's not like I was the most popular kid at school, far from it, in fact. I've not got much interest in football or any other sports. I'm not unfit- just unmotivated. I prefer to spend my free time reading, drawing or listening to music than kicking a ball around a field or playing a videogame. Needless to say, this earned me more than my fair share of teasing from my sisters as well, though much less so since they moved to London.

Eventually, life settled into a normal routine. With my sisters having moved out, I was allowed to move into Sonia's former (and much larger) bedroom, though dad insisted on helping me redecorate it first. I had more freedom around the house, both in how I used my space and, more importantly, how I used my time. No more 'Liam, come here now' or anything like that.

And then, over the course of a few months, everything changed.

Obviously, the coronavirus pandemic affected everyone in the country- in the world, even- equally. However, while an indefinite break from school was appealing at first, after a few weeks the stress began to build to the point where I almost wished that my sisters were still living with us. Neither of my parents were key workers- both started working from home less than two weeks after lockdown started- so going back to school simply wasn't an option for me. However, neither was visiting my sisters or having them visit us. So, when lockdown restrictions eased over summer, my parents immediately made plans to travel to London to see them face to face for the first time in months.

And, as it would turn out, the last time ever.

One minute, I'm playing basketball with my family friend (needless to say, he's much better at it than I am). The next thing I know, his mother has taken a phone call and I'm being whisked back home to find my sisters waiting for me. And then, I hear the news that changed my life forever.

"You do understand what this means, right?" Sonia asked me as I desperately tried to process the news.

"Yes," I mumbled.

"Both Melanie and I have careers in London," Sonia explained. "Neither of us can work from home, not even in the current situation, so we can't move up here to take care of you. That means you're going to need to move down to London to live with us. Obviously, that means you'll need to move school as well, but we'll take care of all of that for you."

"Okay," I mumbled as I looked into my sister's eyes and found them full of not just sadness, but fear, too. When I was growing up, it had always seemed like my sister- both my sisters- were invincible. They could do whatever they wanted without fear of any consequences- especially if they were doing it to me. And as selfish as I subsequently felt, my first thoughts when I heard that I was going to be living with Sonia was that sooner or later, she and Melanie would make me become 'Lisa' again. I didn't think about what it would mean to leave the only town I've ever lived in, I didn't think about having to start a brand-new school where I wouldn't know anyone- I didn't even think about the fact that I'd never so much as speak to my parents ever again. All I thought about was the dress-up sessions.

It was later that night, as I was laid in bed staring at the ceiling, that the reality of the situation dawned on me. For hours, I'd simply been numb, unable to process the situation, and then all the feelings hit me at the same time. My parents were dead. Gone. Not coming back. At the age of just thirteen, I was an orphan, and I'd never even got to say goodbye.

I don't think I slept at all that night as every nerve ending in my body felt like it had been dunked in ice water and set on fire all at the same time. I cried, I screamed into my pillow, I even threw up a couple of times from crying too hard. And most of all, I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed that all I could think about was myself, of what would happen to me, of how I'd cope... Of whether or not there'd be any 'dress-up sessions' with my sisters.

The funeral was a few days afterwards. Thanks to COVID, only me and my sisters attended- none of our grandparents are still alive, and my only aunt (my father's sister) lives in Australia and wouldn't be able to travel with the strict quarantine rules in that country. After the funeral, we began the process of slowly dismantling my life in Luton, ready to move it down to my new life in London.

It's a weird sensation, seeing your whole life being stripped away and flung into a box. Everything you ever owned, everything you are just dismantled, categorised and stored away. I knew it'd all get reassembled when we got to Sonia's place in London, bus as we emptied the room it suddenly hit me that I'd likely never set foot in the room, or even the house ever again. My whole life had ended, and while it would start again in London, I was reminded of a line from an old episode of Doctor Who, when the title character discussed regeneration: 'everything I am dies, and some new person goes sauntering away'. I knew, of course, that I was being melodramatic- I was still the same person, after all. I'd still have the same likes and dislikes, I'd still wear the same clothes, eat the same food as before, but deep down I knew I'd never be the same again.

And, as my subconscious reminded me as we followed the removal van down to London, Doctor Who can regenerate into a woman...

When we arrived in London, Sonia and Melanie wasted no time in unpacking my possessions and the things we inherited from our parents, dividing their things up almost callously. I was allowed to keep the odd memento for myself, of course, but most of it was placed into piles to either throw away, donate to charity or sell- and the reason for the need to sell many of my parents' assets quickly became apparent.

"We'll get your room set up tonight," Sonia said to me as we were busy unpacking the possessions I'd brought with me to London. "I've already got a single bed and a wardrobe in there, so you'll have somewhere to put your clothes, at least, but if there's anything else you need, now's the time to tell me. And- and there's one other thing."

"...Yes?" I asked as my sister paused, taking a breath to calm herself.

"We- that is to say, the government has said that all schools will be reopening as usual in September," Sonia explained. "I'm going to call the local authority tomorrow, see about getting you placed in a local secondary school." I nodded- I'd known this was coming for a while, but actually hearing the words come from my sister's mouth made it seem more real somehow. "Once that's done, I'll see about getting some time off of work so we can go shopping for your new uniform, okay?"

"Pity I didn't keep my old uniform," Melanie teased, giggling devilishly as I immediately blushed.

"Melanie," Sonia whispered firmly as she walked over to our sister, out of earshot while more memories came flooding back to me.

The memory that was clearest in my memory was almost exactly four years ago to the day. I was nine, while Melanie had just finished sixth form at the secondary school that she (and later I) attended. And with it being the summer holidays, both of my sisters often found themselves at a loose end- which meant I was as well, whether I liked it or not.

"Liam! Come here!" Melanie yelled from her bedroom opposite mine.

"I don't want to!" I futilely replied.

"Liam, come here now, it's important!" Melanie repeated, and even though I knew my sister was lying, I also knew I had only one option- to obey her.

"What do you want?" I asked as I entered her bedroom.

"Is that any way to talk to someone doing you a favour?" Melanie snorted angrily, Sonia also shaking her head behind her. "We just want to help you. What are you and mum and dad doing later today?"

"Umm, I dunno," I mumbled, futilely hoping that this would end my torment.

"No, you do know Liam," Sonia chastised. "What are you going to be doing?"

"Umm, shopping for my new school uniform," I mumbled, blushing as wide grins spread across my sisters' faces.

"Well, isn't that lucky?" Melanie giggled. "I won't be needing my uniform anymore, so if you wear that instead, then you'll be saving mum and dad some money, won't you?"

"But you only have a girl's uniform," I mumbled, my cheeks reddening further as my sisters laughed evilly.

"Well, yes, because I'm a girl, but that doesn't mean you can't wear it too!" Melanie argued.

"But I'm not a girl..." I whined.

"Oh, be quiet," Sonia snorted dismissively. "You want to help out mum and dad, don't you?" My sister stared at me until I nodded- the only reply I could give under the circumstances. "Well then, aren’t you lucky that you've got two big sisters who'll help you too?" Again, I was forced to nod.

"Goody!" Melanie cheered, clapping as she jumped off her bed and reached into her wardrobe. "Get those clothes off, then we can get started!" What other choice did I have? I did as I was told, and soon, I was stood in just my underwear, shivering as Melanie produced her uniform skirt from her wardrobe.

It wasn't just the skirt I ended up wearing, though. Ten minutes later I stood in my sisters' bedroom, trembling with shame as they photographed me wearing not just Melanie's skirt, but her blouse, tie, blazer and even a pair of her old school tights (which were almost as baggy on my legs as my own school trousers). They'd even tied my hair into two short pigtails and put mascara and eyeliner on me, such was their determination to make me the 'perfect schoolgirl'.

"Well, go on then!" Sonia ordered. "Go and show mum and dad!"

"But I don't want to..." I whimpered.

"But you're doing this for them, remember?" Melanie asked. "To save them money? So go and show them, I'm sure they'll be really happy!"

"Go on," Sonia urged, smirking as I left the bedroom nearly crying. My heart began to race as I trudged down the stairs, holding the waistband of the skirt and the tights in my hand so as to stop them from falling down as I entered the living room.

"Mum..." I whined, tears finally trickling from my eyes as my parents looked at me, angry scowls immediately spreading across their faces.

"Sonia! Melanie!" Dad barked. "Get down here now!"

"Why are you shouting?" Melanie asked as she entered the room, taking one look at me before scowling angrily at me too. "Oh- Liam! Why have you gone through my clothes again when I've told you a million times not to?"

"But-" I protested, only for our father to immediately interrupt.

"Melanie!" Dad snapped. "That's not what happened. I know that's not what happened, YOU know that's not what happened, so explain it."

"What's there to explain?" Melanie protested with mock-innocence. "He's gone through my clothes again after not just I, but you've told him as well not to!"

"Go back to your rooms now," dad ordered with a quiet rage. "We WILL talk later. Liam, you- ugh. Come on, let's get you up to the bathroom and get you cleaned up." I bit my lip and tried not to cry as I followed my father up to the bathroom, where- not for the first time- he hastily stripped me of my sisters' clothing and washed their make-up off my face.

"You know, Liam," dad sighed as he passed me a towel to dry myself with, "you need- and I do mean NEED to learn how to stand up to your sisters. I'd hoped that as they got older, they'd grow out of these stupid games, but clearly, I was mistaken. However, that doesn't mean that you can't, well, grow up a little."

"O- okay," I mumbled, unsure as to what my father really meant.

"Don't be afraid to say 'no' to your sisters," dad advised. "Especially when you get older. I've heard the way they speak to you, they hardly ever actually ask you to do something, they always tell you to do it. And I realise it won't be easy, but you will need to assert yourself more, because me and your mum won't always be around to back you up."

Obviously, neither I nor my father could've known that his prediction would come true less than four years later.

"So, what shade of pink do you want your room?" Melanie asked as I opened Sonia's- or rather, our- front door to reveal her carrying two tins of paint and a set of rollers. Even though I'd been moved in for over two weeks, the small flat hadn't even begun to feel like a true home for me. Sonia had immediately suggested that repainting my room might help with the transition process, and even though I'd been indifferent to the idea, she had of course got her way. So, when the weekend came around, I got dressed in my scruffiest clothes, ready for a day of decorating- or rather, a day of enduring both of my sisters' taunts.

Unlike when I was much younger, Melanie wasn't (and still isn't) living under the same roof as me- or rather, as us, instead she lives with three of her friends in a different part of London. However, in the weeks following the funeral, she had been visiting Sonia's- our- flat more and more, having been allowed to 'bubble' with us following our bereavement. Sonia said it was for emotional support, and everybody deals with bereavement in different ways, but I couldn't help but notice that Melanie's 'coping mechanism' seemed to involve a lot of teasing me...

"Why's he wearing his good clothes?" Melanie asked as I spread a light blue colour over my bedroom walls. "Didn't you have an old pair of leggings you could lend him, maybe an old smock dress you don't wear anymore?"

"Shut up," I mumbled, my cheeks burning as I immediately heard her gasp.

"When I come over on my Saturday off," Melanie protested indignantly. "Giving up my weekend just to help you, and you speak to me like THAT?"

"...Sorry," I mumbled, even though deep down, I really, really wasn't sorry at all- and I knew it would do nothing to stop her from tormenting me.

"Just for that, I'm not going to hide all of your care bears!" Melanie said, laughing as I rolled my eyes.

"Mel," Sonia said quietly, gesturing to our sister to step outside the room while I continued painting. I didn't know what Sonia said to Melanie while they were outside the room, but whatever it was, it caused Melanie to return to the room with a bitter look on her face- though she at least stopped making fun of me for the rest of the day, leaving shortly after we finished setting up my bedroom.

As I laid in bed that night, my head spinning from a combination of the summer heat, the paint fumes and the effort I put in during the day, I found myself barely able to sleep. My mind was still racing from the new reality I found myself in- my parents were gone, I was in a new city and I would be at a new school in a matter of days. And while Sonia seemed like she'd changed, Melanie was still Melanie- and even when Sonia wasn't helping her, she was still more than capable of having 'fun' at my expense.

"But this is stupid," I moaned as I dragged my ten-year-old self into Melanie's bedroom, where she was sat on her bed with a wide grin on her face- and a small pile of clothes next to her.

"What's stupid about wanting to give your sister the birthday present she wants?" Melanie retorted. "Now come on, get out of those BOY'S clothes and into your special birthday costume! Now that you're a bit older, it should fit you better!" Meekly, I did as I was told- what other choice did I have? If I refused, or complained, Melanie would simply guilt-trip me by telling me I'd ruined her birthday- or worse yet, tell mum and dad. Both of which she'd done on numerous occasions beforehand...

"How long do I have to do this for?" I asked as I stepped into the pair of black tights Melanie gave me- which, as she promised, did fit me almost perfectly- before taking another pair, one with a hole in the gusset, and pulling them over my head such that my arms and legs were totally encased in the soft fabric.

"Until I tell you to stop, of course!" Melanie said, giggling devilishly as she held out an old black one-piece swimsuit for me to step into, which I dutifully did, trying not to shiver as I felt the clingy garment 'pull' on me once my arms were through the shoulder loops. "Now come on, stay still, you want your make-up to be perfect, don't you?"

"Yes," I sighed as Melanie took her eyeliner pencil and thoroughly outlined my eyes, before colouring the end of my nose black and drawing whiskers on my cheeks.

"Okay, now you know what to do, right?" Melanie asked, her grin widening as I meekly nodded and crouched down on all fours, before crawling around her room, purring and meowing while she filmed me with her phone.

The torment only lasted for five minutes, but it felt like five of the longest minutes of my life as I allowed myself to be humiliated for my sister's amusement. The only consolation was that I wasn't made to go downstairs and show my parents what I was wearing, though I'm certain that was only because Melanie knew she'd get the blame and feared she'd lose whatever treats were lined up for her birthday.

And, as fate would have it, Melanie's next birthday would be a mere two days after I started at my new school- and I genuinely didn't know what prospect made me more nervous.

Before school started, though, I needed to get a whole new uniform first- and I'd have been lying if I'd said I was looking forward to THAT prospect either.

"Okay," Sonia said as we walked through the aisles of clothing. "Your old shoes and trousers will still be fine, but we'll need to get you at least three new shirts and a new blazer. Ugh, and specialist PE kit too, your new school insists on rugby shirts with the school's logo on them. Don't ask me why- are you planning on trying out for the rugby team?"

"Huh?" I asked, only half listening to my sister as I found myself distracted by the aisle of pleated skirts stretching out to my side, and the thought that at any moment, I might be ordered to try one on. "Umm, no, I've- I've never liked it, I prefer basketball."

"Huh, okay," Sonia said with a shrug. "Well, Lebron, you'll just have to ask them if they have a team when they get there. If not, we can always pick you up a wraparound skirt and you can join the netball team, heh!" And THERE it is, I thought to myself as my cheeks immediately reddened. "Oh- oh come on, I was only teasing..."

"Sorry," I mumbled, my cheeks flushing even more as my sister frowned.

"No- no, I'm sorry, forget I said anything," Sonia said, an obviously forced smile spreading across her face as she steered me away from the multi-coloured school skirts and toward the PE section- but only boys' PE kit. However, Sonia's 'teasing' remained on my mind as we headed home and I carefully hung my new uniform up- though the latest episode of 'teasing' wasn't all that was on my mind.

"See, dad?" Melanie asked as I was forced to open my wardrobe. "Right there, at the bottom, I told you he stole my old netball skirt!"

"No, no he didn't," dad sighed angrily. "You know he didn’t, Melanie. Why- why do you constantly try to get your brother in trouble like this?"

“Oh- what?” Melanie protested with a clearly over-exaggerated look of shock on her face. “So you’re NOT going to punish him for this?”

“Melanie, just- don’t push it,” dad cautioned, letting out a loud sigh as he snatched the skirt from my wardrobe. I’ll never forget the look of disappointment in dad’s eyes as he took the skirt down to the charity bags that had been filled with the rest of Melanie’s old school uniform- though even that paled in comparison to the look of anger my sister shot me as she stormed out of my bedroom.

After hanging up my new uniform, I laid down on my bed, yet again trying to reconcile my new situation in my mind. It wasn’t until I brought my uniform home and saw it hanging in my wardrobe that it dawned on me that just a few days later, I would be ‘the new kid’ at a new school where I didn’t know any of the other kids, any of the teachers- anyone at all, in fact. I’d have no friends, no allies, no confidantes… no parents…

When the day finally came for me to start my new school, my hands were shaking so much it took me almost four times as long as usual to fasten my tie, and I could barely stomach the breakfast that was placed in front of me. What I didn’t date tell Sonia, though, was that part of my nervousness was due to expecting her to produce a skirt for me to change to at a moment’s notice.

“You’re going to want to eat SOMETHING,” Sonia said gently, but firmly, as I fiddled with my corn flakes. “Liam, I- I get that you’re nervous. Believe me, if I could travel back in time and tell mum and dad not to travel down that day, I- I would in a heartbeat. Not because I, like, resent having to take care of you, because I don’t, really, I don’t but- I miss them too, you know? This is a lot for both of us to adjust to. But you’re not a little kid anymore, and I know you’ll settle in quick at your new school.”

“Well- okay,” I mumbled. “You- you’ve said that a lot. Like, in the last few weeks, you know?”

“…I know,” Sonia sighed. “And I- I guess I’m saying it as much for my benefit as for yours, heh. But we’re in this together, right?”

“R- right,” I said quietly, still expecting her words to be followed by the same 'jokes' she'd tell when I was younger. 'We're in this together, and I got us matching dresses to prove it', or 'we're in this together, so we may as well share everything- like make-up'. However, unsurprisingly in hindsight, Sonia remained silent, waiting patiently for me to continue. “And I guess I- I guess I will, you know, get used to it eventually.” Whatever I end up wearing to school, I thought to myself as I grabbed my school bag and made my way outside.

The walk to my new school was a mere fifteen minutes, and as I drew nearer, I actually found my nerves lessening about the prospect of introducing myself to a whole new school. As I looked around at the other pupils, all I saw were ordinary kids, just like me, in their uniforms. Boys wearing trousers, girls mostly wearing skirts with the odd girl opting for trousers instead. And because none of them knew who I was, none of them knew about my ‘history’ with my sisters. Or about what happened to my parents…

Thanks to the directions provided to me by the headteacher via my sister, I quickly found my way to my new form room, taking a free seat on the end of a table with four other boys (all socially distanced as much as possible and masked, of course). However, there was no time for introductions- informal introductions, anyway- as my new form teacher quickly arrived to start the class.

“Good morning, everyone,” the teacher- a middle-aged man named Mr. Simmons- said. “It’s good to see you all again in the flesh after all this time! As you might imagine, under the current circumstances, there have been a lot of changes, and there are a lot of new rules you’ll need to follow to remain safe and covid-free. We’ll be going over all those this morning, so we’re going to have an extended form session instead of your first regular session this morning.” Which will take so much time, there won’t be enough time for me to introduce myself, I thought to myself. “One change that isn’t covid related, though,” Never mind, I thought as I tried not to sigh. “As you may have seen, we have a new face in our class today. Liam, would you like to stand up and introduce yourself?”

“Umm, okay,” I mumbled as I stood up, glad my mask went at least part of the way toward disguising how nervous I was. “My- my name’s Liam Maxwell,” LIAM, I mentally reminded myself. Not ‘Lisa’. “I’m from- like, originally from Luton, I moved to London in the summer… that’s about it, really.” No need to tell anyone information they didn’t need to know, I thought to myself. Neither of whom, thankfully, were asked about as Mr. Simmons gestured for me to sit down before he began to detail the new rules that we'd all have to obey.

My fears and nerves about the day, as it turned out, proved to be unfounded, thanks in no small part to the new covid rules. We weren’t allowed to interact closely when outside of classrooms, we weren’t allowed to interact with students from other years at all, the school cafeteria remained closed, meaning we had to eat outside- by ourselves, of course- and each school year started lessons 5 minutes apart, minimising the chance of accidentally running into anyone we weren't supposed to.

As the day went on, though, I quickly found myself feeling lonely. Despite the covid rules, it was clear that most of the other students were in established friendship groups, and at lunchtime, I found myself sitting alone while seemingly everyone else had at least one other person to talk to- all, seemingly, divided down gender lines. The boys were sat talking about football, WWE and stuff like that, while the girls were sat illicitly checking their phones, taking selfies and talking about music, reality TV and stuff like that. As I gazed around at my new schoolmates, I found myself musing on how there wasn’t much difference from my old school- and how Sonia and Melanie would no doubt get a kick out of trying to force me into one of the girls’ groups. It was only at that point that it suddenly dawned on me that I really was ‘the new kid in school’, and the covid restrictions, which I was initially grateful for, would make it all the harder for me to make new friends. With no opportunity to speak to anyone in the final lesson of the day, I left the school feeling more anxious than ever- and missing my life in Luton more than ever.

“Hi Liam!” Sonia said as I came through the front door of her- our- flat and dropped my bag in the hallway. “How was your first day of school?”

“It was okay, I guess,” I replied with a shrug.

“Make any new friends?” Sonia asked.

“Not really,” I mumbled. “Covid meant we couldn’t really hang around with anyone.”

“I’d love to know how they enforced THAT,” Sonia chuckled, sighing as I started to blush. “Oh- Liam… I get that today was never going to be easy, honestly, I do. It wasn’t easy for me either, but yes, I admit it’s probably harder for you. But over time, things will start to feel more normal. You WILL make friends. You’re a likeable person, Liam. Hell, give it a few months and you’ll probably have a girlfriend, heh.”

“I dunno,” I mumbled as I got my phone out of my pocket and switched it back on.

“Adding some of your new school friends on Facebook?” Sonia asked as she gazed at my screen, frowning as I instinctively turned it away from her. “O- okay, sorry, you want your privacy, I get it.” For now, maybe, I thought to myself. “By the way, as it’s Melanie’s birthday on Friday, she’ll be coming round in the evening- as we can’t go out to a restaurant anywhere, we’ll be having a takeaway or something.” …Shit, I thought to myself as one question filled my mind.

“Will, umm, will we- will we be getting, like, dressed up?” I asked, so nervous my teeth were almost chattering.

“Huh?” Sonia replied. “Nah, we don’t need to wear anything fancy if we’re eating at home.” Unless you count ‘fancy dress’, I thought to myself with a shudder.

The rest of my first week at school passed by quickly as I slowly settled into a rhythm. While I didn’t make any actual ‘friends’ at school in that first week, I did at least get to know all the other students in my classes, and gradually my presence became ‘normal’, but more importantly, the school became 'normal' to me, just as Sonia had promised. Eventually, Friday rolled around, and while most of the other students were eager to get home and start their weekend, I walked home with a sense of trepidation- which quickly turned into a full-blown anxiety attack when I walked through the front door two hear not one, but two female voices talking.

“Hey, Harry Potter’s back!” Melanie giggled as I walked into the living room, before either Sonia or I had a chance to speak.

“Shut up,” I mumbled, eliciting the usual look of faux outrage from my sister.

“Is that any way to speak to someone on their birthday?” Melanie asked.

“…Happy birthday,” I mumbled as I dropped my bag, coat and shoes before heading into my bedroom to change, surprised not to find a pair of tights and a black swimsuit or leotard on my bed. After changing into a plain sweater and pair of jeans, I headed back into the living room, where Melanie yet again started 'joking' the instant I entered the room.

“Ah, that’s better,” Melanie chuckled as I sat down in the only free seat in the room- which was, naturally, right next to her. “A lot less ‘Harry Potter’. Though with your hair as long as it is, ‘Hermione’ would be more appropriate!” I flinched and shrugged away from my sister as she played with my scruffy almost shoulder-length hair. “You’re even the right colour!”

“It’s not my fault I haven’t been able to get my hair cut,” I protested.

“Well, I can always cut it for you if you ask nicely,” Melanie said. “I can cut it into a cute bob style…” THAT would be a hell of a thing to explain at school, I thought to myself.

“Mel, seriously now,” Sonia said quietly, wiping the smile off of my other’s sister face.

“I was just teasing,” Melanie shrugged. “No need to be so ‘catty’.” I shivered as she directed the last word of her retort directly toward me. Thankfully, though, this silences Melanie’s ‘teasing’ for the rest of the evening.

After Melanie left, though, and as I helped Sonia clear away the plates, my anxiety started to rise again when I sensed her looking at me with a serious look on her face.

“Liam,” Sonia said quietly. “Can I talk to you for a bit, please?” Please? I thought to myself. This must be important.

“Okay,” I shrugged.

“Liam, I- I heard what Melanie said to you, when she was teasing you,” Sonia said. “The ‘catty’ remark. I know what she used to do, how she made you dress up on her birthday.” I felt my cheeks start to burn as all the memories came flooding back to me- of course she knew, she probably laughed at all the videos too…

“I- I’m sorry,” I mumbled. I don’t know why I apologised- growing up, it seemed to be all I'd ever say to my sisters whenever they made me feel small.

“Hey,” Sonia said, placing a supportive hand on my shoulder, though even that gesture made me flinch. “YOU don’t need to apologise. I- I’m the one who should apologise, Melanie too. The way we bullied you when you were younger- and we were bullies, I acknowledge that and accept that- it- it was wrong. And I can see how tense you are around me and Mel, ever since- well, ‘ever since’.”

“I’m- umm, okay,” I mumble, catching my tongue before apologising again.

“I will speak to Mel,” Sonia said supportively. “I’ll let her know that she needs to dial back her ‘teasing’ a bit, especially now as you’re not a little kid anymore. And I promise you, cross my heart, we will never, EVER force you to, well, ‘dress up’ again. You have my word.”

“Th- thanks,” I whispered, though on the inside, I felt my heart break all over again.

Because, you see... I WANT to dress up as a girl.

Don't get me wrong, I never liked being bullied by my sisters. I didn't like being treated as their plaything, but whenever they played their 'games', for a brief moment, I could pretend that I was their sister. I could pretend that I wasn’t the ‘odd one out’, and I could share in the fun and the love that my sisters so obviously shared with each other. More importantly, I could believe that I'd been accepted by them as a girl, and whenever I 'presented' myself to my parents, a part of me always hoped that they'd accept me as their third daughter- that they'd accept me as 'Lisa'.

Of course, I know that these thoughts were just a childish fantasy, but it's one I've clung on to for as long as I can remember. I know- knew, rather, that my parents would never have accepted me as 'Lisa'. But when they died, as guilty as I feel to admit this, a part of me wondered if it meant that Sonia or Melanie would allow- not 'force', like they did in the past, but allow me to become Lisa. But now, I see that can never be the case.

But that won't stop me from wondering. Because, you see, in my mind, I am still 'Lisa'. In my heart, I am still 'Lisa'. On the inside, I'll probably always be 'Lisa'. I just wish that one day, in the future, I’ll be allowed to be 'Lisa' on the outside as well...