What Do You Love?
By Sabrina G. Langton

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Author's note: Hmmmmm, a nice little story, about a nice little couple, living their best lives. I hope YOU like it.

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"What do you love? Really love?"

"Besides you?"

"Yes, besides me, keep me out of this." She giggled, she tapped my nose.

It was the day before Thanksgiving and my wife decided to ask me a complicated question.

"I don't know, can I get back to you." I smiled, I knew she read an article, or she talked to Brenda at work or one of her clients. I knew there was a reason for this game she was trying to play.

"Sabrina, stop, just tell me. Close your eyes and just tell me."

What I didn't love was closing my eyes in front of her, well her, was Linda, my wife of almost four years. I knew what SHE loved. I knew she would be wondering how long it took me to do my eye makeup, especially my liner, but that's not really it. It's not that I didn't trust her, sure she loved watching those true crime shows, and sure she did nothing but talk about how easy it is to kill someone, how easy it is to get everything at three o'clock in the morning at Walmart to cover it up, how easy it is to act like none of it ever happened. She could be a rock if she had to.

"Are you coming up with an answer or is your mind on some weird tangent."

"Um," She knew me too well, "A tangent?"

"Correct answer, now come on think." She sat down a little closer, her thighs were touching mine. I was wearing nude pantyhose, her's were bare. She had great legs, she made me do all these crazy exercises to get my legs to look about half as good. She made me take yoga, she made me do stretches, constantly. Now my legs looked pretty amazing, even my knees. Mmm, let me stretch them out now, let me feel my silky thighs with my long nails, let me...

"Sabrina, pay attention, and cross your legs, what are you doing anyway? Come on, it is such a simple question."

"Not really."

She stood up, she fixed her shorts, they were black, her rear end looked so nice in them. She was wearing these little leather boots I got her over the summer, a nice chunky heel, she didn't do anything too thin, unlike me. She's hovering over me now, her arms folded, I could tell she thought this was going to be an easier way to kill some time.

I didn't really like that kill word. I grimaced, I hid my teeth.

"Now, baby, listen. You're not concentrating. I know you love Mexican, you love chocolate ice cream, and you so love any kind of red wine. Actually, when it comes to food you love pretty much everything.

"Do I?" I started to think, mmm, maybe I did. I felt my head shake agreeably.

"So come on, anything besides food."

"Mmm," I made like I was really trying but now I was hungry. I could tell she had a little more confidence in me. Let, me, think. Now, well I was always on a diet, I was always watching my figure. What I loved to eat now was very different than what I used to eat when I was young. I was always heavy, my mother would hide things from me, she put a lock with a combination on the refrigerator. I learned to like things I didn't like to begin with. The phrase that was so popular when I was younger was, 'Samuel do you want to finish this?' or, "Don't worry Sam will eat it.' Sam of course was the other me, the one who wasn't wearing pantyhose, or this gorgeous cyan skirt. God, it feels so good, I just love this material. I hated when I was a kid, mmm, just the feeling alone was amazing. If you told me you were taking away my mirrors, all four of them in my room, I wouldn't even care, I would still have the sense of touch, oh, and smell. Mmm, look I am so limber from yoga I can sniff my skirt, my thighs, I can bend right down to my knees.

"Sabrina! What are you doing now?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, you know how I get." I started to feel a little sad, the skirt was scrunched in my fingers. I felt a little tremor in my hands. I had tiny tears in my eyes. I always got like this.

Linda put a thumb to my cheek, she shook her head. "Baby, please, think. What. Do. You. Love?"

I put my palms to my eyes, I felt my long lashes. I put my elbows on my knees, I started to cry. I suddenly didn't want to finish this line of questioning, I was going to crack. My hair was covering my face.

I stood up, I shook my head to fling some of the tears, I headed into my room.

*

I had the music on low but I still heard Linda's knock. She wouldn't knock loud, she wouldn't bang. When she had to wake me up she whispered or rubbed my back. I still woke up with a little jump. If I was crying she usually brought me chocolate ice cream or a glass of wine.

I usually wasn't so difficult to live with.

I remember, must be two years ago now, Linda decided I should have my own room. She said if I was going to dress like a woman I should have my own space. Two females in the same bedroom, sharing the same bathroom, would be lethal, too dangerous, one of us would probably kill the other. One of us would be shopping at Walmart in the middle of the night, and I knew it wouldn't be me. She told me I monopolized the mirror, took too long looking for an outfit, had way too many shopping bags on her side of the room and on the floor of the walk-in closet. I came home one Friday night from work, she walked me to the guest bedroom, the one we never had guests in, she had it painted and furnished, she put up a mirror on each wall. I cried and she gave me ice cream.

Tap, tap. "Sabrina? Can I come in?"

I stood up, I leaned on the dresser. I sort of posed. I was wearing this great green-blue skater skirt with a tan bodysuit underneath. My breasts looked great, I was wearing one of Linda's beige bras and it gave me such nice cleavage. My wig was long, came down right passed them. My heels were way too high for a Wednesday night. I had on six-inch sandals, a couple of ankle straps, showing off my neutral toenails. My neutral fingernails were on my hips, matching my neutral lips. I was ready, I wasn't going to cry anymore. I was going to let her kill me like the adult I was. I was going to be a beautiful corpse.

I braced, "Okay, I'm ready, come on in." My knuckles getting white gripping the dresser.

She had a sympathetic smile painted on her face, thank god, she was only holding two mugs. "Ice cream?"

"Is it okay? Will it spoil our appetite?"

"What are we nine?" She laughed. I smiled at her and we sat on the bed, we crossed our legs and licked our spoons. I closed my eyes even though I knew she would still be looking at my eyeliner, it was perfect, it was more perfect and straighter than hers. The ice cream was great too.

"Mmm, this chocolate is heaven. Oh, I think I love ice cream. There that's my answer, phew I'm glad that's over with."

Linda of course was finished way before me. I had this habit of sucking the spoonful of ice cream in my mouth. The flavor would slowly dissipate, melt, it took me so long to eat but I enjoyed it immensely.

"Remember no food, anything else." She took my empty cup and spoon, put them on my dresser, she sat back down, our knees touching once again. "Give me your hands." I put them on top of hers and she held them. She shook them. "I have been going about this the wrong way. I know you need a multiple choice, I know you can get easily distracted by boobs and legs and asses."

She still had a grin on her face, she was teasing me. I knew she wasn't hangry. I knew I was safe for now, though I still checked around the room if anything extra was hiding in the shadows. I never noticed that box in the corner, were those my slippers under the vanity? Wait, what I didn't know was if she poisoned the ice cream. Mmm, that could be it, I would have never seen that coming. I squinted, I looked at her, I accidentally said "Hmm."

"Sabrina, stop. Tell me, do you love this room?"

I shook myself out of whatever idea I was getting into. "I do. I have never been happier. When I was living at home with my parents I had to share with two brothers, then after college, I had to share with two roommates. Now I share a house with you and have a bedroom ALL to myself." I was smiling, I was looking at my ballerina prints on the wall, my candles, my orange curtains.

"See wasn't that easy?"

"I guess."

"Okay now, what else do you love?"

I felt myself going on another tangent, but Linda was still holding my hands, she was shaking me, she was trying to keep me focused. "I don't know, maybe my car?"

"Your car? Really?"

"No, no, not that. I love, um." I was looking around the room, trying to drum up some inspiration. "I love going to those dance recitals." I looked at her, my eyebrows high. "The two little dancers next door. I love that they invite us every time." I felt myself tear up again. When I started transitioning, I felt awkward going out by myself. I would sit in the backyard, I would make believe I was at an outdoor cafe, a flea market, or an arboretum. The two little girls next door waved through the window. They came outside and sat with me, they brought me a lollypop. I introduced myself, they were so cute and talkative. A month later their mom let me tell them more about myself. They didn't know anyone that used to be a boy and was becoming a girl. They were eight and eleven and they didn't even know that was a thing, that it could be done. We talked about it for a minute. We talked about dancing instead.

I remember telling them I loved their costumes, their outfits, I loved listening to the music seep out of their rooms, I loved to imagine what dances they were performing. They invited me to the next recital. They now invite me to all of them, to everything. I even sell snacks and t-shirts during intermission.

"Well, they love you. How many times do they come over to show off their costumes, their shoes, even their nail polish?"

"I know, I love that. They are so cute, so precious. They make me so happy." I felt tears make their way into my eyes again.

"See, that was easy, that's all I wanted. I wanted to know what you loved." She still had a weird look on her face, I felt maybe she didn't really want to know. I felt maybe she regretted starting this game.

"Well," I stood up again, I went to the mirror and brushed my hair, I changed my earrings. I put on the ones the two girls gave me, long dangling gold bars. "Now it's your turn."

"Wait, I want one more."

I turned and watched her, I waited for examples, I waited for the number two pencils.

"Do you love Griffin?" Her face looked darker, her smile was gone. I sat next to her and took her hand.

"I do."

She stood up quickly, she fixed the crotch of her shorts, she moved the hair behind her ears. "Good, three things, perfect. Your room, the girls next door, and Griffin. Perfect."

*

We were waiting for Griffin and Jim. I was nervous now, Linda was quiet, too quiet. She was checking her phone, she was texting, she was looking up the weather. I'm sure it was perfect weather to do whatever she was planning to do with me. She would have to do it before the men get here though. She would have some explaining to do.

We were both leaving tonight, we had our bags by the door. I was looking forward to it, I was looking forward to sleeping in a different bed with a big hairy man for an entire four days. I was looking forward to waking up with him inside of me, his lips on my neck, and my hair in his eyes. I brought extra bobby pins just in case.

Hmm, I wonder if it will be colder than here. "Linda, are you going to bring a jacket?" I was watching her, I was playing with my hair.

"Ooh, yeah I think so." I watched her get up, slip on her thin black jacket, she grabbed her white clutch. "So our first Thanksgiving apart in what, um..."

"Seven years."

"Seven years. I can't believe we have known each other that long." She sat on the couch opposite me, she started brushing her short dark hair. She never needed a mirror, unlike me. I could tell she didn't want to talk. I could tell she was making up some dialogue in her head. 'Yeah she was a loner, I mean I knew OF her for seven years, ya know, but does anybody really know anybody? All the neighbors said she was so quiet, kept to herself. She never left her room and her best friends were the two little girls next door. Plus, when I met her she was wider, had shorter hair, and an alias. Need I say more?'

I still watched her, she was so beautiful, she was probably looking up what she and Jim were going to watch tomorrow, what team she was going to root for. Maybe catch one of her shows or podcasts afterward. Read a thriller before going to bed. She would have a quiet Thanksgiving just the two of them, just what she loved. Me? I was going to Griffin's mother's house. There was going to be a crowd, it would be the opposite of quiet, that's what I loved. Sometimes Linda and I were so different, we loved different things, different men. I couldn't wait until someone asked me to pass something or complimented my longer-than-usual nails. I couldn't wait to meet 'The Family,' supposedly everyone wanted to meet ME.

I remember meeting Linda's parents, I was twenty-two, I was totally silent, I didn't say anything for three hours. Linda told me her mother thought I was nice. Nice. No one wants to be nice, I wanted to be handsome, charismatic, droll, maybe even funny, not nice. When I started to transition we went over one Thursday afternoon, it was just her parents. Her mother said I looked nice. Nice. Nice again? At that time I wanted to be sophisticated, graceful, enchanting, not nice. I want to be beautiful and full of personality like their daughter. I want to have a great ass and legs and breasts just like hers.

"Is that them?" Linda was looking out the window.

"No, I don't think so."

I remember we met Griffin and Jim at a concert, Billy Joel. We had great seats, Someone gave Linda tickets. She let me wear the shortest gold dress I owned, and it was cut so low. I was showing off more cleavage than I even had. I was wearing such sheer pantyhose and my new nude five-inch pumps. I wanted to dress up, I had my wig curled and my makeup was done at the salon near her mother's house, I wanted to look ultra-sexy. I had on these huge hoop earrings. I wanted to look like a groupie, someone that was willing to sleep with every member of the band and security. I just wanted to be me, and Linda was okay with it. She made me smile when she showed me her short blue dress, and pantyhose, and high heels, we had so much fun. We started talking to the two men behind us, we ended up at a restaurant with them after the concert, we let them drive us home. We left my car in an all-night parking lot.

I could feel something build up in my chest, I could feel my face getting warm again. I was always emotional lately, I was always on the verge of crying or laughing. While Linda was playing on her phone, patting down her hair, I realized how much she loved me. I realized how many things she did for me that she didn't have to. I remember the first time she brushed my hair, helped me with eyeliner, took me to the supermarket. I realized how uncomfortable I made her and how reasonable she was about everything. Everything.

I realize deep down she wants a husband, not a wife. I also realize she never wanted to murder me, chop me up in little pieces, leave me by the side of the road in a suitcase or three garbage bags, then go to Walmart for bleach and Pine cleaner. She would rather stay at home, watch her True Crime shows, a thick blanket around her, sharing red wine with her sophisticated, graceful, enchanting new girlfriend.

"Linda?"

"Mmm?"

"Thank you for getting dressed up with me at that Billy Joel concert. That was so thoughtful of you, I love you so much for that." Then I cried again, my palms over my eyes, my elbows on my knees. I felt her hold me, I felt her move my hair and kiss my cheek. "You didn't make fun of me, you didn't tease me about my makeup, you just showed me your dress and said 'this is the one.' I love you for that."

We hugged, she was so good to me.

"That was one of my favorite nights of my life. That was my favorite memory. We will always have that." I sniffed.

We heard the cars. "Oooh, the guys are here."

"How do I look?"

"Nice."

"Nice?"

"Ha, you hate that. When we get back home on Sunday I want you to tell me three things you hate, and I will tell you mine, ha. That will be SO much easier." She giggled as we stood up, went to the door. I took a deep breath, I had to compose myself. I couldn't wait to see Griffin, I couldn't wait until he held me.

I was outside, I was on the top step, I was too excited.

"Hi," He called from the car.

I watched as he walked up the steps, looked at my heels, legs, breasts. I was quiet, I let him hold my waist, I let him pull me into him. My arms suddenly around his neck.

"Hi," I smiled and we kissed. He ran his hands from my hips to my back, he lingered on my bra strap, he played with my hair. I felt his hardness push against my belly. I looked up at him, I let him look at my straight eyeliner, I let him kiss me again. I felt his tongue inside me, I felt my fingers linger in his hair. I heard Linda and Jim doing the same, I was hoping the neighbors were out, hoping the block was watching us. I was hoping someone was saying, 'Look at those four, at it again.'

The guys put our suitcases in their cars, I took a light jacket, I took my beige purse. I was ready to spend the holidays at my boyfriend's family's house. I was ready to enjoy myself and pass some things. I think I was ready to start doing more things without Linda. I was ready to do more things that I loved.

Once we were in the cars, we pulled up next to each other, we said one more goodbye. Weeks ago, when I asked Linda if I could spend the weekend with Griffin, she said, 'You don't have to ask, you are an adult. She then hugged me and said 'thanks for asking.' It's weird but I felt I should have asked, it was the right thing to do. I didn't need her permission but I wanted it. Everything was uncomfortable at first but now everything feels incredible, life was changing fast and I was so ready to just get on with it.

"By the way Sabrina," Linda talked to me through the driver's window, Jim moved back so I could see her. I smiled and listened. "For the last seven years you have ruined my plans, all my schemes, and figured out all of my next moves, you are way too smart for me, you vixen."

"Am I?"

"Of course, I guess I will let you live. Ha, have a Happy Thanksgiving."

And they took off, I waved, they went North, we went South. I think it was clever of her, that little speech she made. She was trying to throw me off the scent, trying to make me relax, get a little too comfortable, well that's not going to work, it's never going to happen.

Now, where was I? "Oh, Griffin,"

"Hmm."

"What do you love? Really love?"

"Besides you? Nothing."

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The End

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