The Little Truck
By Sabrina G. Langton

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Stories from the Real World.

Author's note: This is something that happened to me a long time ago, I still think about it everyone once in a while. It's weird but one specific moment sticks in my mind more than anything else, and it is not what you would expect. This isn't one of those s.e.x. stories that I am slightly good at, just a little remembrance, just a little dip back into the 80s when music was better and everyone was cooking for me. Hope YOU like it...

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I was young, I was a teenager, it was the early 1980's.

Actually, I was eighteen I had my license for over a year, I graduated high school and my father gave me his old blue Dodge van. It was full of windows. From the outside, you saw blue and silver clouds, but from the inside, it was just tinted, slightly darker than real life. I liked it, you couldn't see inside, it was just like another room. I had a couch, rug and on the back window, curtains. It had an 8-track player for music, there was always something heavy on, always some guitars playing using that long forgotten format. The music would play forever unless you popped the tape, put on the radio, shut the engine.

When I was a teenager I knew I wasn't like my friends, I had this weird thing I did, I tried to keep it a secret, did it only by myself in the dark of my parent's basement. I wore girl's clothes. It was a big deal, I didn't know anyone else who did it. In the movies transvestites were crazy, they were murderers, I didn't think I was either. I wasn't sure, I was naive, I was quiet. Now, I had a van.

The little bit of female clothes I collected could easily fit in a little box, a cardboard box. Couple of dresses, heels, panties, and bras. I kept it behind the front bucket seat of the van, just in case I wanted to dress on the road, on the go. Well, I just wanted to get it out of the house. I was paranoid, I had a bad stomach. I would get calls from my mother while I was at work, she was always looking for something. I always thought she would find my feminine things, my heels, my false eyelashes. I didn't want to explain myself over the phone. I was glad to get my things out of the house. Taking everything with me made me feel more relaxed, more like I was taking control. Soon I started dressing in the van.

I lived in Brooklyn, a busy neighborhood. I used to drive to Long Island. I would tell my parents and friends I was going to Lynbrook, it was similar to Brooklyn, just a little switch of the letters. It wasn't that far, half an hour, forty-five minutes, far enough away to be alone. Sometimes halfway I would stop in Queens, right off the parkway, I would visit a pharmacy with a list, you know, things for my mother, things for my sister and father. Shaving cream, cotton balls, pantyhose, the usual. Ooh, nail polish remover. Then I would head off again to Lynbrook. I don't know, maybe I was going to the record store, maybe the new fast food places, Roy Rogers and Taco Bell. We didn't have them in Brooklyn, it was a good cover, I was obsessed with food, trying something new, everyone knew it. Sometimes I even brought something back.

I would find a quiet block, maybe something industrial. I would put on a new 8-Track, something I wouldn't normally listen to. Maybe Gloria Gaynor, Donna Summer, Love Unlimited Orchestra. My female side liked R&B, she liked to dance, shake, move her hips. She was going to get dressed up, she was going to try on the new pantyhose 'we' just bought. The new heels 'we' found. She was going to practice her makeup.

I remember I had a lighted makeup mirror and a little pencil case full of various things I stole and appropriated. Mascara, lipstick, blush, eyebrow pencils, just things I found that my mother and sister weren't using anymore. I would be completely femme in about forty-five minutes. I would practice my mannerisms, my voice. I would be sitting on the wheel hub in the back, my mirror balanced on my half-filled box, slowly making my lashes straight, making my cheeks pinker with lipstick.

Soon I would have a couch in the back of the van, one that was given to me by a neighbor, an older Italian woman. She would cook for me, she said I was the only person other than her sister that would eat anything and everything she made. She would see me walking by her house, getting out of my van, playing whiffle ball in the street, she would call.

"Giovanotto!" I would hear Nana, I would see her wave. "Giovanotto come here I have something for you."

She would call me giovanotto, it meant young man, very young, she never used my name, I knew her since I moved onto this block, I was three months old. I don't think she ever knew my name.

'Here, mangiare, eat." She would make me a plate of whatever she was making for the family. I was usually the first one to taste it, the first one at the table, dinner was probably another hour away for them. She would watch me, she would have a tiny plate in front of her. She smiled with every compliment I gave the hot red food.

"Can I have a little more?" I would ask, "Don't tell my mother." She would laugh, she wouldn't say anything.

One day after my pre-dinner she handed me an envelope. "Take this, don't tell Vivian OR your mother." Vivian was her daughter, she worked on the Avenue, she would be home in ten minutes.

"Okay."

"I want you to do me a 'favore.' I cleaned my room, all week, I want you to take my old things in your 'piccolo camion.'" That's what she called my van, little truck. She wanted me to move things for her, give them away, throw them out, she gave me an envelope. I never ever took money from her but this time she made me, she was adamant, she made a big deal. I didn't even open the envelope, I put it in my pocket, I went into her room and took four cardboard boxes, with all Italian writing all over them. I then asked the man who lived next door to Nana's to help me with a couch. Fit right in, it was made for the back. It was grey and off-white and smelled like Fabreze. It changed my life.

The last thing I took out was a little table, Nana kept it next to her bed, it was very ornate, fancy pull handle, and weighed a ton. I now had everything in the back of the van, I would get rid of everything this week. I would definitely keep the couch.

I was going to make a trip to Lynbrook. I had a new dress that I bought at a flea market that I wanted to try on, it would match my heels, more grey. It was a cool October and the weather would be perfect for practicing and styling my long hair, strawberry blonde, it came down past my shoulder. Well, it was the early 80s, I was in a rock band.

That October I had three part-time jobs, I was in the band I mentioned a couple of words ago, and I had a girlfriend. I was also a Freshman at the Community College, I was quite busy. I always had off two days a week, Tuesday was one of those days. I got up early and shaved the little bit of hair on my legs. I lotioned up my calves, feet, arms, and hands. I slipped on my white panties, suntan pantyhose, and white B-cup bra that I stole from my sister. I put on a sweatshirt and sweat pants, socks to hide the stockings, and put on my sneakers, then I went to investigate the envelope that Nana gave me. It was an address, it wasn't money, I was relieved. I was to bring the little table to someone in Bensonhurst Brooklyn, about twenty minutes away. It was something I wasn't expecting.

An hour later I was on the parkway to Long Island. I still had the four boxes, I was going to see if there was anything that I could keep, it was full of blankets and bedding, sheets, old curtains. I also now had six hundred dollars. I gave the table to a man from Tuscanny and he gave me twelve hundred, Nana made me take half. She told me not to tell Vivian or my mother about it, to forget it even happened. She was cursing in Italian, she was making me laugh. I put the money in my pocket and headed to Lynbrook, go through the boxes, fix my makeup, try on my new dress, and for the first time walk around a quiet neighborhood.

*

I was in my white lingerie, bra filled with pantyhose filling the cups, doing my makeup. I was on the new couch, I had my mirror on a box in front of me, it was nice, it felt very normal. I had been coming to this same spot most of this past summer and now it finally felt normal, I was just another girl getting ready to take a walk. I have been on three quick walks already, all on the quiet industrial blocks, most times at night or at least early evening. Today would be different, the furniture and the money gave me a little more confidence, made me feel I was ready to explore a little more, a little more of the quiet family neighborhood... in daylight as a 'woman.'

I had the ends of my hair in curlers and I sprayed it a little with a water bottle and let it dry. I had on just a little makeup, light foundation, dark pink eye shadow, and dark pink lipstick. I watched myself emerge from my little mirror. I put tape across my breasts to give me a little cleavage, very little. It would be completely hidden by my clothes anyway. I slipped on the dress. Light grey, sleeves up to my elbows, the hem right above my knees. I would be showing off my nylon legs, tan pantyhose, I would be showing off my grey high heels. They were three-inch heels with a very thin ankle strap, they were really cheap I got them at another flea market. I put on my press-on nails, pink almost matching my lipstick, then I slipped on my green tinted mirror aviator sunglasses. I needed these, I felt safer and more relaxed with my eyes hidden from the world.

I spent the next twenty minutes futzing with my hair, clipping on earrings that I knew would fall off, putting on bent bracelets, checking my pantyhose for runs. I was a disheveled crossdresser, I was used to it, I was ready to go for a walk. I stood outside, under the trees, looking down the block. There was nothing here but an abandoned warehouse, a field of overgrown grass, a lone house on the corner with a huge fence. I got back into the van. I was way too nervous for this, I didn't have the chutzpah to make a walk during daylight, in my heels that were falling apart.

I went back out, I was just being silly. Who cares if a girl was visiting this town, making the rounds, clicking in heels, no one would even notice her, they were all in school or at work. I reached in, got my pocketbook, pushed up my glasses, and headed down the block with grass coming through the sidewalk, garbage on the corners, and suddenly the sound of traffic. One block away and the neighborhood was alive. I heard kids. There were now a group of mothers with baby carriages, children holding onto the metal frames. Little dogs. I was in a grey dress and heels and I had to pass all these beautiful mothers in jeans and housecoats. I jaywalked and moved to the other side of the street, one of the women waved to me. I waved back, maybe she knew me, maybe I was passing. Maybe I was just passing them.

I turned another corner and I saw a school, it was crowded, so I backtracked. I looked at the little gold watch around my wrist, maybe it was time to go back. I headed a different way, I wanted to walk by houses, people, front lawns, what was the big deal? I just looked straight, walked as I practiced, and felt my bag on my hip, it was nice, I wish I could do this all the time, I was starting to have fun. Then I heard a little yelp.

*

"Are you okay?" I kept my voice low, I held onto my glasses I was looking down. I can't believe I crossed the street to investigate, I can't believe I was talking to someone.

"I think so, hold on." She moved, she yelped again. "Maybe not."

There was a woman on the sidewalk, her legs underneath her. A broken package of cookies was strewn around her. She was probably in her thirties, heavy, probably mentally challenged. I could tell she was nervous. I could tell she thought I was taking control. I looked around, where were all the mothers, the kids, the little dogs? There was no one but me. Me in my dress and heels. "Do you live close by? Should I call for an ambulance?"

She pointed behind me, she lived a block away, she didn't want an ambulance. She was pretty adamant about that. I jogged to the van, I jogged in my heels. I came back and helped her into the back onto the couch, I was sweating, I picked up the broken cookies. I went to the store and bought another package of them, I even bought Oreos and Chips Ahoy, I was nervous, I had never been in a deli as a girl before. The cashier called me Miss.

"Right here." She pointed again, I pulled into the driveway, I pulled in as close to the back door as I could get. She grabbed ahold of me and I brought her up the stairs, it was slow, it was a process, she rang the bell. I swallowed, I felt my breasts were too big, my heels were too high, my voice was going to crack.

"Lori, what happened." There was an older woman at the door, she made room for us, we plopped Lori onto a chair that she dragged into the kitchen. She introduced herself, "Hi I'm Lori's mom, Helen."

I told her my name, Lori told her what happened, I told her I had to leave. "Okay bye, hope you feel better." And I almost made it out the door, into the van, back onto my quiet block.

"Don't be silly, stay, have dinner." Helen took the bag of cookies and gave Lori an aspirin and an ice pack. I stood in the middle of the kitchen, I felt so weird, so in the way. I was clutching my pocketbook, checking my nails. She had me sit at the kitchen table. I crossed my legs, I kept my back straight, I was trying to be as feminine as possible. I tried not to talk but she was asking me so many questions, asking me who I knew in the neighborhood, what school did I go to, what type of gas did I use in my blue van.

"Mmm, I don't really know."

"Well don't use Exxon, that's all I'm gonna say."

"Okay."

*

"Gravy?"

Helen made meatloaf, potatoes, and canned peas and carrots, it was pretty good. It was better than my mother's. Afterward, I had to get up and fix my lipstick, brush my hair. When I came back I tried to leave again, it was now after five, the middle of rush hour, people would be coming home from work. Instead, Helen showed me the house. I got the full tour. Three bedrooms, a porch, a living room, and plenty of closets.

"And here is Lori's room." I looked in, it was pretty messy, the bedspread was yellow, it was stained, the whole house needed a good vacuum, a good rinse. I remembered the boxes in the van. I excused myself, went out, and made four trips. Now all four of the cardboard boxes were in front of Lori.

"My neighbor gave me these, maybe you can use something."

"Ooh, let's see." Lori was excited as her mother went through the boxes. It was mostly things for the bed, no clothes at all, just a couple of scarves. Everything smelled like Fabreze, everything smelled cleaner than Helen's big house. I spent the next two hours putting new sheets, comforters, and pillowcases onto the beds. I even put those frilly things on to cover the bedsprings. I cleaned their mirrors, wiped the dressers, and vacuumed the rugs. I was clicking all over the place in my heels, I felt Helen watching me, I was wondering if she could tell I wasn't all female. I was very self conscious, then... I wasn't.

She took my hand, "Okay, that should be good, let me hold your hand with these beautiful nails." She looked close, she smiled. "I have a draw full of these plastic things, I never wear them, I can barely see." She laughed and we went downstairs.

Lori was gone, the chair was empty.

"Lori!" She called.

"We're in here Gran."

It was a male voice, I got nervous all over again. I washed my hands in the sink, I told her I better go.

"No stay meet my grandson, he'll move Lori to the couch, for now, the nurse will be here in the morning anyway."

So I waited, I saw the back of him, he was young, probably a little older than me, he was helping Lori onto the couch, surrounded by the new blankets from Nana. When he was done he walked up to me, he had quite a smile on his face. He was looking at my breasts, I wasn't used to that. He put out his hand and took mine. "I'm Anthony."

I told him my girl's name, I smiled, he looked at me a little funny. Helen told him the story from this afternoon, but he watched me the whole time. I had my arms folded under my breasts, my legs were crossed, I was uncomfortable, I wanted to go walk around the quiet streets again. I wanted to go walk in traffic.

"Okay, I better go. Thank you for dinner." I smiled, I motioned towards the back door.

"Going home to your boyfriend?" Anthony had an edge in his voice, he was watching me suspiciously, I could tell he knew I was a crossdresser, he could tell I was trying to pull a fast one over on everyone.

"Um, no, my parents." I tried to smile, I went into the living room and said goodnight to Lori, I came back in and said goodbye. I decided I had one more thing to give them, it was in the van, it was in an envelope. I walked outside, Anthony was following me.

"That's okay, you can go, they'll be fine." He had one hand on his hip, the other on the railing of the steps. He mumbled something nasty under his breath. He was giving me a nasty look. I just stood there I didn't understand why he was so aggressive, so annoyed all of a sudden.

"Oh, okay." I got into the front seat, I backed out slowly onto the busy street and Anthony followed me the whole time, he was right outside my front windshield, his arms folded, the annoyed look still on his face. I just backed up and drove down the block, he watched me until I turned the corner. I headed home, I was a little shaken.

I was in Brooklyn by the time I realized I was still dressed up, I didn't even have my green lens glasses on, I didn't even remember the drive.

*

I pulled onto another quiet industrial block, took me a while to find one, Brooklyn was full of homes, people. It was lit by street lights. I fixed my lipstick, I brushed my hair, I was looking in my rearview mirror. I adjusted my breasts, I put on the dark glasses. I shook my head, I was a mess, from cleaning Helen's house and the breeze from the open windows. I just wanted to go outside, I didn't want to bother or meet anyone. I swung my legs, I took a walk along the quiet block, I heard my heels making that wonderful noise they create. I decided that I would never, ever, go back to Lynbrook to dress up again. Let them look at someone else's legs, breasts, let them miss out on my friendliness and charm. Lynbrook could go Ef itself. There were other towns, other industrial blocks, and other people to smile at and help off the concrete.

But, I did go back, two days later after a class. I drove by Lori and Helen's house, I wrote down the address, I filled out an envelope. I put half the money from the ornate table into it and found a mailbox three blocks away. Helen and Lori were so nice to me. I loved that they didn't even question my name, my gender. I also felt it was too coincidental that I had all those boxes of things that they needed, what were the odds? They were easier to get rid of than I imagined. I felt it was too coincidental that I received all that money the same day I met them. And, it felt strange that I was the only one around to help Lori after she fell, it felt like some kind of test, I felt like I probably didn't pass it. I felt this was something I had to do. Too bad Helen had an ignorant grandson.

*

"Giovanotto!" I heard Nana call me, I was walking home, from my father's store, I was tired, I was starving. I ran up her steps.

"Hi."

"C'mon, do you want to eat? I made lasagne, I made it for you."

I laughed like there was a chance I didn't want to eat. I followed her into the empty kitchen, everyone was still working, it was just us that were in the house, the kitchen. She was listening to an opera, it was quietly playing in the background. She asked me about the boxes, the table, the couch. She made me a big plate, she put a little slice on a saucer for herself, and I told her... I felt like a girl. She gave me a weird look, I explained a little more, I asked her not to tell anyone. I felt surprisingly better, I felt I was able to breathe again, even a little easier, I forgot all about Helen's grouchy grandson.

As I got up to leave, she was quiet, she watched me wash my hands, put the dishes in the sink.

"I won't call you giovanotto anymore," She smiled, she was probably around eighty-five years old, she was quite smart and intuitive. "Don't worry, I never told anyone you had that little truck, all my friends would be asking you for rides. You know, because of their wheelchairs." She laughed as I hugged her, she smelled like oregano and Fabreeze, I thanked her for the lasagne, still my favorite meal.

I wasn't worried, I knew Nana could keep a secret.

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The End

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