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What's a guy to do when Mom drags him along on a shopping trip?

English can be a frustrating language. So many words have multiple meanings. For instance, 'love.' Love between parents and children is one thing; between friends another; between sexual partners yet another; for some object or experience something else again. Plenty of gradations to be found and plenty of room for misunderstanding.

Then there's 'shopping.' For your mythical typical suburban male it could be a trip to the hardware store for something necessary (or something he thinks is necessary). For your equally typical (and equally mythical) suburban wife it usually means a grocery cart and stocking up. For the four year old accompanying his mythical mother it means grabbing everything loose that comes near the cart as it passes down the aisles.

Since we are dealing with the mythical suburban family of four, the teenage daughter would consider shopping the joy of rampaging through the mall with her girlfriends trying on everything that looks like it would be fun to wear. Then there's her teenage brother, say about fifteen years old, who considers shopping a waste of time unless it's at the Game Stop. Hell, he can get whatever he wants on line and not have to be dragged through the stores being bored out of his mind. Shopping for clothes is particularly irksome, after all he has plenty of clothes already, and his parents have some seriously screwed up ideas about what he should be wearing.

Let's take a closer look at our mythical teenage male, or perhaps if we assign him the name 'Jason' he will become more based in reality than in myth. He's a sophomore at your typical large suburban school, rides a bicycle but seriously wishes it was a motorcycle - or better yet a car of his own. His grades are decent, he participates in after school activities (Chess Club and Track) and gets on with both guys and girls.

He has a few close buddies - Gerry, Aaron and Tony - he hangs with. If he and his buddies are at the mall without parents trying to be cool that's certainly acceptable. If he's at the mall just before the new semester starts, following his mother and sister, that is definitely unacceptable. Also inevitable. Such a situation requires a serious effort to appear bored, tolerant or - preferably - invisible.

It didn't take long for Jason to amass his new wardrobe for school - T-shirts, jeans, underwear, socks. Underwear all white, socks all black. No need to sort socks like his sister does with her cutesy prints, one of which is always missing. The loot was out in the car's trunk minutes after arriving at the mall. Not so for the females in his family. Shopping seems to be a verb that denotes continuous and extended effort to locate the perfect whatever it was.

At least some of the stores have seats so he can sit there and pretend to ignore the world. Of course, what's a guy to do when surrounded by manikins in sexy bras and panties? His mother is right there so slavering and drooling is out of the question. Being without a steady girl, Jason is not going to see such sights anywhere but at the mall, but the Code Of The Teenage Male forbids allowing anyone to know he's interested in what teenage females are wearing under their clothes. Hard to be cool and interested at the same time, though.

Conspicuously checking his watch every few minutes doesn't seem to be getting the message across to his mother. Every so often he draws hope from seeing his family at the checkout register, but that hope is dashed as they migrate to the next store. Early on he tried a verbal sally - there's a game store just ahead, he could meet them when they're done.

Fat chance. Mom was not going to risk losing him in the mall this time. Jeez - it only happened twice before, he's older now and knows better.

So does she.

Finally it happened, just like he knew it would, they arrive at Victoria's Secret. If she's so darn secretive, why is she parading around in all that sexy stuff? What's a boy supposed to do thinking about his sister wearing that stuff? Or his mother???

Close his eyes, adopt a pose of the uncaring brother forced to be in this place, and… and…

Nope, that wasn't working.

Breathe. Like that Yoga stuff that Mom is so into. Slowly breathe in through your nose for a count of five. Feel the air move in your body as your stomach rises. Then exhale the air through your mouth for a count of five, feeling your stomach relax inward.

Feel your stomach getting ready to puke.

It's over at last! Jason the packhorse is loaded with bags and bags of swag. Sister the pack pony - she's younger - comes in for her share. Mom smugly remarks that she carried her children for nine months, they can carry the packages for nine minutes.

Home at last. It takes three trips to bring everything in, including the groceries. The stuff is piled on the dining room table and Mom starts sorting. One pile for sister, one pile for Jason, one pile for the parents. Jason picks up his bags and heads for his bedroom, only to be stopped by his mother's voice.

"Wait a minute, honey. You forgot this one."

She hands Jason a bag boldly emblazoned with the legend VICTORIA'S SECRET.

"That's not mine," he replies.

"Certainly it's yours. Now you have your own lingerie so you can stop swiping your sister's.

Busted!