Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

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Looking himself over one last time, he nodded with resigned satisfaction. The blue satin dress looked good on him, flattering his natural curves and making him appear to be every bit the pre-teen girl he was made to become. His visits with Jennifer and the Healy family and to their church over the past two weeks had been blissful reprieves from his home life. While his parents were happy to have him come and go as he pleased, when he was home he'd had to endure a new round of pushing from his parents.

They were insisting he let them take him to their family doctor to put him on hormone blockers.

He did everything he could think of to put off their 'helpful' pressuring, but only the day before he'd resorted to his last line of defense.

"I'm not sure I want to be a girl forever, Mom."

"What?" she asked incredulously. "Now where is all this coming from? Is this your girlfriend's influence?"

"No!" Josh denied. "She thinks I'm beautiful, and pretty, and loves me as a girl! Vicky's known she's liked girls for over a year now!"

"So what's this all about, then?" she pressed.

Josh sat on the sofa as he tried to derail his mother's plans. "I just... I'm not sure, OK? This is a huge step and I want to be absolutely certain about it 'cuz it can't be undone! I can change my clothes in a few minutes, and I can get my name back in a month, but this? This is permanent! This'll affect the rest of my life! If I don't start puberty as a boy, I'll never be able to have kids!"

Taking a harsh tone, she nearly barked at him. "Adoption is better than having kids! The world is too overpopulated as it is without adding to it!"

Seeing she was now getting angry, Josh knew he'd already lost this round.

"Sweetie, we're not talking about starting you on female hormones yet!" she continued in a softer tone. "Just... not letting the male ones ruin your chances of happiness! If you start male puberty, your voice will change, you'll grow muscles and hair on your body, and forever have body image issues! We can't allow that! Until you start female hormones, you can still change your mind later! All we have to do is just stop using blockers and you'll begin male puberty, just a little late! Now, I've made an appointment for you for next Friday and that's that!"

Hating the image he saw in the mirror, his hair beautifully curled and his light makeup flawless, even his nails were painted a lovely pink shade that complimented his natural skin tone. Turning to see himself from the side and back, he saw the perfectly tied white satin bow in the back and felt a pit in his stomach, like he'd swallowed a cannonball.

Great. I look fabulous. he told himself sarcastically. Giving in, he consoled himself that Jennifer would be happy with him and found it helped a lot.

Grabbing a small white purse that matched the white of the dress trim and the strappy sandals that adorned his feet, he dropped his makeup, phone, keys, and what money he had in it. Steeling himself and plastering a fake smile on his face, he grabbed a small suitcase and headed out. Coming down the stairs, he almost felt good about himself before he heard his father.

"You look beautiful, princess!" he said genuinely. "An absolute vision!"

Blushing embarrassedly at the compliment, he dismissed it. "Oh, Daddy!"

"Don't 'Oh, Daddy' me!" he lovingly groused as Josh finished descending the stairs. "You gook great! I hope you have a good time, princess!" Hugging him at the last step while careful not to muss his hair or makeup, Fred grabbed the digital camera off the railing. "Hold still!" he ordered.

Feeling that pit in his stomach again, he once more put on his phony smile and posed for the picture. Once done, he glanced at the pretty watch he wore. "Vicky should be here any minute." he said impatiently. Standing around for a time, he found himself restlessly unable to settle.

"Sit down, sweetheart." Melanie chided him gently as she sat on the couch reading her book. "Pacing won't get her here any faster!" Seeing him perch impatiently on the matching loveseat, she shook her head. "I still don't see why we couldn't drop you off, Jocelyn."

Just about to answer, he heard a car pull up outside. "She's here!" he said with relief as he got up and smoothed out his dress. Without even so much as a hug for his mother and father, he picked up the case and started toward the door. "See you tomorrow!" he shouted over his shoulder.

Heading out the door, he was glad that the Healys had said he could stay the night at their house and get ready for church in the morning with them. He was still livid with his mother and intentionally didn't hug Melanie or say he loved them. While his father backed Melanie up in pushing for hormone blockers, Josh knew that he only did so because it was her idea and he, being a good feminist, almost always agreed with her.

Jogging out to the Healy's sedan, he opened the front passenger door and slid in next to Vicky, belting in quickly and putting the small case under his legs. "Thanks for coming to get me!"

Vicky pulled out onto the street smiling. "It's fine, Jocelyn... um... sorry! Joss!" She laughed at herself for being unable to see the child as anything other than a girl, even though she knew him to be a boy in both mind and body. "You look nice!" she said, trying to make conversation. "Sorry, does that make you uncomfortable?"

"It's fine, Vicky." he sighed. "I do look nice. Heck, I look beautiful and I know it! I just wish..."

"Wish what, dear?" she asked as she turned a corner.

"I wish I could just be me." he admitted sadly. "I think it's too late, though." Looking over at her as she drove, he dropped the bomb. "Mom's taking me to Doctor Biggs next Friday to get my first shot of hormone blockers."

Pulling over quickly, Vicky turned to him in utter shock. "Honey! Are you serious? How can she do that? Don't you need a letter or something from a psychiatrist that proves you're... um..."

"Dysphoric." Josh finished for her. "Mom's a psychologist and had a co-worker of hers give her a letter. Turns out I saw him once for a few minutes before I went to summer camp. I didn't even know who he was at the time or that I was even 'seeing' him. I was supposed to just be waiting for Mom at her office and he 'just happened' to be there and asked me a few 'casual' questions." he explained with little air quotes. "That was it."

Looking out the window, Josh shook his head again. "So, I'm stuck. If anyone tries to stop her, she has the law on her side 'cuz parents can do anything with their kids so long as they aren't abusing them. With that paper, she has proof that putting me on hormones isn't abuse. I'm stuck."

Vicky once more started toward her home. "I'm sorry, dear. I wish I knew what to do. I'll have a talk with John tonight and see if he knows someone that can help, OK? Just..." She paused, worried for his safety. "Just don't lose hope." She was seriously concerned he might hurt himself rather than be turned into a girl against his will. "Promise you won't do anything drastic?"

Nodding, he still looked out the window. "I promise." He meant it, but he was also certain there wasn't anything that could be done.

When they started to get close to the Healy's home, his mood began to lift somewhat. Vicky noticed and smiled, glad that her daughter could have such a positive effect on such a troubled soul. Pulling into the driveway, and then into the open garage, she pressed a remote control on the visor, closing the door behind them.

Climbing out, she watched Josh do the same and come around the front of the car, carrying the small suitcase. "Jenny's been itching to see you since she got home from school yesterday!" Pausing a moment, she tousled a few of his hairs back in place, stopping when she realized she was treating Josh just like a girl. "Sorry, Joss... bad habit. Comes from raising a daughter!"

"That's OK, Vicky." he sighed as they walked in the house through the inside garage door and entered the hallway across from the master bedroom. "I understand. It's only natural the way I look." he gestured to himself.

Coming into the living room, Josh saw that it was tastefully decorated for a teenager's birthday party. There weren't balloons, streamers, or things like that. Just a simple banner that read, "Happy Birthday Jennifer!" Underneath it he saw something that made his heart skip a beat as he put down his small suitcase. Jennifer was breathtaking in her lovely pale blue A-line dress that came down to mid-calf. The color went perfectly with her pale blonde hair that was curled and hanging loosely about her shoulders.

Jennifer just stood under the banner and looked back at him with wide-eyed awe at his innocent beauty. Slowly walking over to him, she took his hands as her mother removed herself to the kitchen. "You look amazing, Joss!" she said in a low, husky voice as she squeezed his hands gently.

"Thanks!" he blushed and looked away slightly. "You look beautiful! That dress is perfect for you!"

Releasing his hands, she smiled and turned in place quickly, letting the skirt flow around her like water. "Do you like it? Mom made it for me! She used to be a professional dress designer! I must be the luckiest girl in the world!" Moving in closely again, she put her arms over his shoulders, clasping her hands behind his head. Grinning, she looked down the hall and then at the dining room. Seeing no one coming, she kissed his lips, soft and gently so as to not muss their lipstick. Then she took him into a warm hug.

Relishing the feel of her holding him, he nearly cried as he relaxed into her embrace. The built up tension and buried feelings of dread at being pushed onto blockers threatened to all come bursting out at once, save for the fact that he wouldn't let his problems ruin Jennifer's birthday. Swallowing hard and putting on a smile, he stepped back. "Where's your dad and Luke?"

"They took the minivan and went out to the park or something. Girls only here today!" Pausing a moment, her smile diminished. "Except for you, I mean. Do... would you like to change into something less girly?"

"It's OK." he sighed. "From you I don't seem to mind much, and I don't have anything else, anyway. Besides, it's your party and you like me this way. Is anyone else coming?"

Nodding, she answered as she led him into the dining room. "A few friends that I've known since Kindergarten, but we've only recently really become friends." she answered. "Karen, Lucy, and Erica."

Not knowing them, he looked down at himself. "I hope I look alright."

"You look wonderful!" she sighed happily as she stared at him with dreamy eyes. Hearing the doorbell, her expression changed to giddiness as she left Josh in the dining room and moved around her mother through the kitchen, taking the direct route to the entry hallway. Opening the door, she squealed as her three friends came in, all dressed nearly as nicely as Jennifer.

Josh could see them through the kitchen. Looking down at his dress, he gulped. I look like a little girl compared to them. he chastised himself. His dress was beautiful, but the fact that it only came down to just past his knees made it look juvenile in contrast to the styles the four girls were wearing. Steeling himself, he waited next to the dining room table for introductions.

"You look so pretty in that!" Jennifer complimented Karen on her outfit.

"Thanks!" the girl said shyly, not used to such praise. Handing a wrapped package to Jennifer she grinned. "Here! Happy birthday!"

"Thank you!" Jennifer said sincerely.

Repeating the process with Lucy and Erica, the four made their way to the dining room by way of the living room. The four girls had bonded in the last year of Intermediate school based on their common experience; they were all social outcasts. While Karen was awkward and unattractive, Erica was heavy and Lucy was the only Asian girl at their school. When rumor got out that Jennifer had a crush on her best friend, she'd joined the other outcasts.

"Lucy? Erica? Karen? I want you all to meet Jocelyn!" she said as the four saw Josh standing shyly by the table. "Joss? These are my friends!"

Feeling scrutinized from the instant their eyes hit him, he swallowed hard and tried to smile. "H... Hi! Nice to meet you all!"

Lucy looked at Josh like a bug under a microscope. "Um... so... nice dress." she said, not knowing what else to say.

"Yeah." Erica said absently. "You look nice... for a b..." She was interrupted as Karen elbowed her in the ribs before the other girl could say what all three were thinking. "What!" Erica grumbled at her quietly.

Seeing her three friends who she felt could understand Josh's situation as a social outcast do the same thing to him as everyone else at school, her smile melted. "Guys? What's wrong? Why are you being like..." Flustered, she was nearly in tears. "...like everyone treats you?"

Karen and Lucy looked down ashamedly, but Erica couldn't see it. "What do you expect, Jenn? He's not a girl... and he's wearing a dress!"

Vicky listened from the kitchen, but didn't want to interfere unless she had to. She felt the best thing she could do was wait and see if they'd resolve their differences on their own. Hearing Erica's comment, she decided she needed to defuse the situation before it became serious. Walking out and carrying a tray of h'orderves, she smiled. "Here we go!" she offered. "Erica! Karen! Lucy! Nice to see you!" Putting the tray on the table she regarded them all. "Well! Don't you all look lovely! Shall we sit and chat?"

Seeing Jennifer's mother not react to Josh at all, the three stared at him as he sat next to Vicky.

"Thank you, Vicky." he said softly. "I'd be happy to."

Karen rolled her eyes frustratedly at Erica and moved to sit on Vicky's other side, followed by Lucy next to Karen. That left just Erica and Jennifer, the two staring at one another like gunfighters; each waiting for the other to say something and ready with a quick comeback.

"Erica?" Vicky said gently. "Will you be joining us?"

Crooking her jaw to one side and narrowing her eyes as she looked at Josh, a habit she had when trying to decide something, she at last tentatively moved to sit next to Lucy. "Sure, Mrs. Healy." Never taking her eyes off Josh as though he might suddenly spring to his feet and attack her, she sat slowly and watched out of the corner of her eye as Jennifer went around the table to sit next to Josh.

"Um... Mrs. Healy?" Erica began. "You do know he's really a boy, right?"

"Yes, Erica." she said calmly as she put a few cucumber slices and some stuffed olives on a small plate in front of her. "Though considering how she looks, it would be inappropriate to call her he unless she asks you to, don't you think?"

Josh sadly stood up, the three girls watching him intently. "I should just go. I'm sorry, Jenn. I didn't mean to ruin your party."

"No!" Jennifer yelled as she leapt from her chair. "Stay! Please, Joss? If you leave, the party will be ruined!"

"I don't think your friends like me very much." he said openly as he stood behind his chair and looked at them. "It's OK. I understand. I'm a freak. The boy that looks, talks, and acts like a girl. I'll just take the bus home, Vicky. You don't have to leave your guests. This was just a mistake."

"Please sit down, Joss." Vicky said evenly. "You are Jenny's guest and are welcome in this house. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not." she stated as she leveled her gaze at Erica. "Though I'd rather hope that everyone can get along and not be judgmental of one another."

When Josh sat back down, Erica stood up. "I think I should go, then." she said harshly. "How can you all stand it! Look at him! He looks ridiculous!"

Jennifer flashed into anger in an instant. "She does not! She looks beautiful and you know it! If you didn't know her and ran into her on the street, you'd never know she was anything other than a totally gorgeous girl! You're just jealous!"

"Girls!" Vicky exclaimed, trying to defuse the situation, but was interrupted by Erica's return outburst.

"You like him!" Erica said in shock. "You're sick! You've got a crush on that?" she said pointing a finger at Josh.

"Yes!" she admitted openly, shocking Lucy and Karen. "I think that she's wonderful, and you would too if you actually got to know her!" Looking at Josh, she smiled sweetly at him and her voice softened. "She's thoughtful, kind, considerate, smart..." Whipping back around toward Erica, her voice turned harsh again. "...and a way better friend than you, Erica! She may be a boy, but she can change her clothes to look like one and still be just as sweet! You could change into the most beautiful gown in the world, but you'd still just be a nasty bitch!"

"Jenny!" her mother chastised. "Language!"

Fuming at the insult, inside Erica felt the sting of truth and railed against it. "Fine!" she shouted. Picking up her gift, she looked at Lucy and Karen. "Well? You staying with that or are you gonna come to your senses and show it that it's not welcome anywhere?"

Turning away from Erica as she saw the irate girl for who she really was, Lucy finally spoke up. "Maybe you should just go if you can't be nice, Erica." Looking over at Josh, she sighed. "I'm staying."

Karen, not sure what to do, surveyed Erica and then Lucy, Jennifer, and finally Josh. Taking a breath, she let it out slowly. "Mrs. Healy? Could you pass the olives? They look good!"

Not believing that her three best friends had all turned against her, Erica screamed at them. "Fine then! See if I care! You're all stupid anyway! I don't know why I ever was friends with you! Goodbye!" At that, she stormed out of the house, slamming the door as she left.

Facing the four others, Josh hung his head sadly. "I'm sorry, everyone. I shouldn't have come."

"Nonsense!" Vicky said as she took Josh's hand. "You are always welcome in this house, no matter what you wear or call yourself. It's just clothes and names are just labels. You're a good person, Joss."

"Don't mind Erica, Jocelyn." Lucy said as she glanced at him. "She's kinda got a nasty temper. Usually she's nice, but sometimes she's just mean. We try to look past it, but today was too much. What she said was just cruel. You don't look ridiculous! You look really nice! Honest!"

Karen just nodded in agreement as she munched a stuffed olive.

Feeling Jennifer's hands on his shoulders, he turned his head to peer up at her. "I'm sorry, Jenn. I didn't want you to lose your friend."

"After the way she treated you, she no friend of mine!" Jennifer growled as she dropped like a rock into the seat next to Josh.

After a moment's silence, Lucy shattered it. "So... you and Jocelyn? That's cool! She a good kisser?"

Karen nearly choked on her olive at Lucy's brash remark while Jennifer, Josh, and Vicky blushed and looked away. "Luce!" Karen said between coughs. "You are so crude!" After a moment, Karen and Lucy began to giggle, spreading then to Jennifer and Vicky. Lastly, Josh began to giggle along with the others as the tension in the room evaporated.

As the four 'girls' and Vicky began chatting easily between each other, the mood lightened enough for Jennifer to open her presents. Lucy had given her a cute skirt that Vicky said was too short and Karen had bought her a pretty blouse. When everyone turned to Josh, he cleared his throat and pulled a tiny box out of his purse.

"Here, Jenn. Happy birthday!" he said softly.

Opening his gift excitedly, she removed the wrapping to reveal a velvet box. Lifting the lid, her eyes went wide for a moment before they scrunched up in tears. "Oh, Jocelyn! It's beautiful!"

"Lemme see!" Lucy and Karen chorused as Vicky took the gift and Jennifer hugged Josh tightly.

Pulling the necklace out of the box, Vicky held it up and drew in a breath. It was a simple gold chain and heart-shaped pendant. On the front in cursive script was the word 'Together' above and the word 'Forever' below a single opal stone set next to an amethyst; the birthstones for October and February, Jennifer and Josh's birth months.

"Jocelyn!" Vicky said at last. "Where did you find this?"

Once Jennifer let him go to take the necklace back from Vicky to admire it, he shrugged. "At the jewelers on Maple." he said with a slight smile. "The necklace is just one they had, but I had the stones put in. Is it OK?"

"It's a lovely gift, dear!" Vicky said as she smiled. "Maybe a little much!"

Taking off the pendant she wore that was a gift from her aunt three years ago, Jennifer slipped the necklace on and had Josh get up. "How does it look?" she asked grinning.

Blushing, he cast his eyes to the floor shyly. "It looks perfect!"

After the two other girls admired it, talk changed to other subjects. While they chatted and sat together, being quite grown up, Jennifer slipped Josh's hand into hers under the table and wouldn't let go.

After her father came home with an exhausted Luke in tow, Vicky gathered the girls and Josh together and left for the movie theater. Getting five tickets for MirrorMask, they took their seats in the darkened theater with Jennifer sitting next to Josh and holding his hand the entire time. At one point Josh felt Jennifer lift his hand to her lips and kiss the back of it gently.

After the movie, Vicky dropped Lucy and Karen off before returning to their home with Josh. He'd earned the trust of both John and Vicky to the point that they believed even if Jennifer wanted to 'go too far' Josh wouldn't, simply because he'd given his word. So that night he would be sleeping in Jennifer's room; the 'door open' rule suspended for the occasion as a special concession to Jennifer for her birthday. Still, Vicky was worrying herself sick as they walked in the door.

"Luke will be in bed already, so why don't you change in the bathroom, Joss?" she said nervously.

"Vicky?" he said softly. "If this makes you uncomfortable, I should go home. It's OK. I understand. You trust me, but not that much."

"No!" Vicky denied her fears. Glancing at Jennifer and telling her wordlessly to go to her room and change, she waited until they were alone. "Joss, I believe you when you say you'll be on your best behavior. I do!" Trying to formulate the right words, she sighed. "It's just an irrational fear, dear. It's not your fault and I don't want you to have to go home!" Closing her eyes and sighing once again, she opened them and looked him in the eyes. "Just promise me again that you won't do anything you shouldn't tonight."

"I promise." he said seriously. "I wouldn't want to ruin anything! If we did something... um... adult... it might ruin everything. It wouldn't be worth it."

Hugging him earnestly, she let her fears go and trusted the broken child in her arms to keep his word. "I believe you, sweetie! I know you... that you... you care for her... and wouldn't risk that for anything. Thank you!" Letting him go, she still had a hard time seeing the child as a boy, even knowing the truth. "Go get changed!" she said with a smile. "I'll get your bed ready!"

He'd decided to take a shower in the morning, so he hung his off-white A-line dress with the pink flowers out on the hook used for robes, intent on using his shower to steam any wrinkles out that didn't fall out overnight. After that he quickly changed and washed up. When he'd scrubbed off all his makeup, he pulled out his brush and came out brushing his hair that was getting long enough to soon need another trip to the salon, though he still held out hope that he'd never have to go there again.

Walking into his girlfriend's bedroom, he saw that Vicky had laid out a thin roll-up foam mattress and several quilts as a bed with a spare comforter on top. Jennifer was sitting up in her bed, watching him brush his hair out.

"What?" he asked, stopping his hair care regimen.

"Nothing!" she said with a grin as she fingered the necklace he'd given her that she refused to remove.

Shaking his head, he sat at the desk and continued brushing until it was soft and wavy once more. He was about done when Vicky knocked on the door.

Opening it, she tip-toed in and whispered, "You two all set for the night? Need anything?"

"Yeah." Jennifer said with an impish smile. "For my mother to stop spying on us to make sure we aren't making out! Goodnight, Mom!" she giggled.

Sighing and holding up her hands in mock surrender, she sighed. "Alright! Hop up and give me a kiss goodnight and I'll go!"

Jennifer got up and walked over to her mother. Hugging her tightly, she sighed. "Thanks, Mom! Today was wonderful! I love you!"

Returning the hug, she let her daughter go only to see Josh there waiting for his turn in a white cotton nightie trimmed in lace. Taking him in her arms, she held him no less warmly than she had her own daughter. "Goodnight, Joss."

"Goodnight, Vicky." he said warmly. "Thanks."

Releasing him, Vicky looked at him as she held him at arm's length. "For what, dear?"

"For making me promise not to give up." he said before he leaned in and kissed her cheek.

Nearly crying, she hugged him fiercely this time. "We'll think of something!" she promised. Letting him go, she wiped her eyes dry and padded to the door. "Goodnight, you two. Sleep well and God bless!"

As she closed the door, Josh went to lay down on his makeshift bed, but was stopped when Jennifer asked, "What was that all about?"

Explaining in brief his fate the following Friday and Vicky's intention to help him escape it, the girl hugged him as well. "I won't let your mom do it, Joss!" she promised in vain.

"We'll see." he said hopelessly. "We should get to bed. I'll need a shower in the morning before I get dressed."

"Wait!" she said as she knelt by her bedside and silently bowed her head. After a moment, she said, "Amen." and got back up.

"What was that?" he asked curiously.

"I was saying a prayer for you. Asking for God's help... if He can."

Sitting on her bed, he was still confused. "I thought you were supposed to do that privately... and aren't there certain words you have to say? It's so confusing!"

Jennifer lighted beside him and took his hand. "We are in private, and God knows what you want without even asking. He's everywhere, even in our heads!"

Puzzling over another point, he asked, "OK, you said 'if He can.' Isn't He supposed to be omnipotent? Can't He do anything?"

Jennifer tried to explain. "It's like this. He can do anything, but sometimes He won't because He needs something to happen we don't like to make something even better happen later... or because it's out of His hands. See, He won't make people do things, 'cuz He gave us free will. That means we can do things He doesn't want us to do, even if it's bad and He wants us to do something else."

Contemplating the idea, he followed the conclusion to the end. "So then... He can't help me. He won't change my mom's mind, so it's up to your mom and dad. If they can't help..."

Pulling him into her arms, she hugged him and then kissed him gently. "We'll think of something, Joss." she echoed her mother's hope. Kissing him tenderly once more, they continued kissing as they sat on her bed for some time before retiring to their own beds.

At some point in the night, Josh partially awoke to feel a comforting warmth move in under his borrowed covers and against his back; an arm wrapping around him lovingly. Smiling softly, he was only partially aware of just who or what it was, but he knew one thing for certain.

He was loved.