Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

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Turning in place and looking at himself in his closet mirror, Josh sighed at the utter futility of looking anything like a boy. He'd bought some boy's clothes in a department store; a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a baseball cap. Even with his hair tucked up in the cap and his still-growing breasts strapped down with an ace bandage, the image he saw reflected in his mirror looked like a pre-teen girl wearing boy's clothes. Once he took off the cap and his hair spilled out, the vision was complete and he would even be hard-pressed to say they were boy clothes. On him, he felt they still looked girly.

Putting them away, he got back to the business at hand, namely trying on the dress that he was supposed to wear to the Spring Fling in two weeks. He thought it funny that the fifteenth was still five days before the official start of spring, but the name of the dance wasn't that important. That he was going was. That he was going with Grace even more so.

He and Grace had become good friends quickly. They actually had quite a lot in common, most notably that they both loved musicals. Josh had her over to his house many times to watch dozens of his or her favorites since the start of the school year when they'd met. They would invariably take twice as long as the movie length to watch each one, he or she always pausing the video to expound on some point of trivia.

They also shared a disdain for Melanie. While Fred wasn't bad, Melanie was constantly trying to push Josh into being more flirty with Grace, suggesting more revealing outfits or referring to the two as a couple. During the winter break, Melanie had finally gone too far.

The two lay on the living room floor next to each other watching State Fair as Melanie wandered in and sat on the couch behind them. When the movie ended and the two began to get up, they finally noticed she was there.

"Oh. Hello, Mrs. Ryan." Grace said, knowing it would grate on her nerves.

"Grace, please." she moaned, "I've told you before, it's Ms. Ryan... or Melanie... or even better, just Mel!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Ryan." she twisted the knife. "Hard habit to break! My dad drilled it into me, but good! I'll try harder."

Sighing in frustration, Melanie put the issue aside and smiled at the two. "It's quite late, Grace. After ten. Since you two don't have school tomorrow, I called your mother and asked if you could just stay the night and she said you could! You can borrow one of Jocelyn's nightgowns!"

"Melanie!" Josh shouted. "Why do you have to do stuff like that! It's not your place to be asking Mrs. Wright if Grace can stay over!"

"Sweetheart, I was only thinking of Grace's safety! It's not safe to be out after ten for a pretty young girl like Grace! Besides, I thought it would give you two a chance to get closer... to... bond!"

His jaw falling open at the brazen insinuation from his mother, Josh was speechless. Fortunately, Grace wasn't.

"Mrs. Ryan, I like Joss!" she admitted. "A lot! Hell, I'd marry her! And I can too, 'cuz she's still legally male which would be totally awesome! But she's not into me and that's cool!"

"But Grace, dear," Melanie retorted, "Jocelyn sometimes needs help to not pass up the opportunities available to her! It was like pulling teeth getting her to stop pretending to be a boy... and getting her on gender appropriate hormone therapy was a battle in itself. Still, she always saw in the end that I knew what was best for her, so I was just hoping to push her along in the proper direction again! You two make such a cute couple!"

Grace narrowed her eyes at Melanie. "Mrs. Ryan, we're not a couple, and Joss is not some helpless girl who needs her mother to set up dates for her! If you push her to date me, I'll turn her down flat! She's nobody's pity date and she doesn't need you to set her up!"

"I wasn't suggesting that she was, Grace!" Melanie shot back. "And I don't like being accused of pushing my daughter on you!"

Smiling and dropping her tone to one sweet as pie, she retorted, "Then stop trying to pimp her out!"

Melanie fumed at the accusation. "I think it best if you leave and never..."

"Mel." Fred interrupted her as he entered the room. "Don't say it. I'll just have to invite her back."

"Fred! Didn't you hear what that girl..." she argued.

"I did, Mel." he said calmly. "She was crude, but right, at least in principle. Jocelyn doesn't need you or anyone to push her into dating. She can make her own choices in her own time. Leave. It. Be." He rarely if ever opposed his wife about anything, but when he did he was immovable on the issue.

Seeing he was not going to budge and that she was outnumbered, Melanie stormed off in a huff. "Fine! I'm only her mother and trying to look out for her best..." her voice faded as she retreated into the master bedroom.

"Thanks for the backup, Mr. Ryan." Grace said appreciatively.

"I was only looking out for Jocelyn." he answered honestly. "Mel was butting into an area that's none of her business. She knows that, but it's sometimes hard to not want to help your child... especially a girl like Jocelyn. If you're crude about it again though, I won't stop her from throwing you out."

Josh was completely mortified. His mother had not only tried to see to it that Grace stayed the night, but was actually pushing the two of them to have sex. "I am so sorry, Grace!" he apologized. "Melanie was way out of line! I... I'd understand if you decided not to come over anymore."

"Nah!" Grace dismissed the offer. "You have a bigger TV than ours!" Seeing that it made Josh smile a little, she wrapped the small boy in a friendly hug. "Come on! Fuhgetaboutit! Who's my best friend? Huh? You! Are we gonna hafta watch Xanadu on that dinky screen at my place?"

Josh rolled his eyes. "Ugh! Are you still holding me to that? Xanadu is not a classic musical!"

"Hey, you made me watch Easter Parade last month! That sappy thing made my teeth hurt!" Releasing him, she held out a hand. "Walk me to the door?"

"If she won't, I will." Fred offered as he grabbed his keys. "I'm driving you home, Grace."

"It's like six blocks from here!" she argued. "If I can walk down Washington Boulevard in the City of Commerce, I can walk a few blocks in northeast Ohio! Anyone messes with me, they get an eye-full of my left jab!" Taking a fighting stance, she covered properly and snapped out with her left hand with lightning speed. Relaxing and bouncing on the balls of her feet with a grin, she smiled sweetly. "Aren't I such a girly-girl!"

While Josh still brooded nearby, Fred burst out laughing before his tone turned serious. "That's all well and good, but..."

"Mr. Ryan, please." she interrupted. "My father taught me self-defense from the time I was three until... well, right up until the end. I probably could take you. Compared to me, you're old and out of shape... no offense. I'll jog home and be there before you can even get that heap of yours out of the driveway!"

"Hey!" he said defensively. "That's a classic car!"

"Yeah, well it needs a valve job and a hundred dollar visit to Earl Scheib's." she countered. "I'll be fine, Mr. Ryan! I'll text when I get home so you know I'm safe, OK?" Seeing Fred relent and head off to follow Melanie, she turned to Josh and took his hand again, pulling him toward the front entry. "Call me tomorrow?" she asked.

Nodding and smiling, he sighed. "I will." Opening the door, he looked up at his only friend as she put on her jacket. "Did you mean all that stuff? I mean, that stuff you said to Melanie? About me?"

Moving to the porch together, Grace groaned as her breath floated away in the cold. "Oh! You just don't know, do you girl?" Glancing away, she put her hands in her jacket pockets to keep them warm. "Yeah Joss, I like you. A lot. You're smart, funny, and pretty as hell! I was crushing on you after talking to you for like five minutes!" Leaning against the railing while Josh stood in front of the closed door in a pink cardigan and white capris, she shook her head. "So yeah, I want to stay... with you... in your room with the door locked and music blaring so no one can hear you scream like a banshee! I admit it! You're hot! Who wouldn't want to?" With a short pause she added, "But..."

Josh exhaled heavily, his breath visibly joining Grace's. "...but I just, I can't!" he cried. He liked Grace. She was a great friend and there was so much about her that he was attracted to. But she's not Jenn. he sighed inwardly.

"Someday, you gotta tell me who it was that broke your heart so bad." Grace lamented as she pushed off the railing back onto her feet and wrapped her arms around Josh. "Not tonight, though. I gotta scram." Making her way down the flagstone walkway backwards, she waved goodbye to Josh before turning and running for home.

Picking up the pink pastel dress, he pressed it up against himself and looked in the mirror. I look like a friggin' Barbie doll, he huffed. After having sorted through dozens of options at a local shop, Melanie had ordered the dress in his size as they didn't stock that style in child's size twelve. Still only four-foot-ten and just under ninety pounds, he looked closer to twelve or thirteen rather than fifteen, having missed nearly two years development on top of being naturally small. When Grace asked him to go to the Spring Fling with her, he'd almost said no, but her pleading eyes just couldn't be refused.

Trying on the dress, he found he had enough of a chest to fill the bust nicely but worried that the off-shoulder style was too risqué. The way it hugged his waist and showed off his developing curves was undeniable, though. The dress was perfect. Hanging it back up, he got re-dressed in his girl's jeans and top and plopped down on his bed. Looking up at the powder blue canopy that looked much more mature than the childish pink canopy he'd torn down and ripped up, he heard his new smartphone chime.

Rolling over and plucking it off his nightstand, he saw it was a text from Grace and smiled.

hey gf!

Josh typed his reply quickly.

Hey there! What's up?

just hangin. wondering if my girl was up 4 sum company!

Sighing, Josh typed back.

Anytime, Grace. You know you don't need to ask.

A moment later, he saw the response.

k! b rite their! :kiss:

Rolling his eyes at her lazy text, he got up and fixed his hair and makeup. He knew he didn't have to, he just felt it was the right thing to do anytime she came over. If I gotta be a girl, I don't have to be a slob! Heading down the stairs, he waited on the couch until he heard knocking. Getting back up he shouted, "Come on in, Grace!"

Entering, she looked Josh up and down. After closing the door, she wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "God, girl! You're gorgeous!"

Pulling her arm from around him like a dance move as he ducked under it, he waggled a finger at her. "Watch that now, Grace!"

"Oh, I'm watchin' it, alright!" she said as she looked at Josh's rear end as he walked away from her. "You sure you were ever a boy?" she joked.

"Ha. Ha." Josh said as he started up the stairs. "Come on. It came today."

"An invitation to the inner sanctum?" she said almost reverently as her eyes followed his swaying hips up the steps. "How can I resist?"

Showing her the dress, Josh held it up against himself. "Think it'll be OK?"

Almost salivating that Josh was going to be her not-really-a-date to the spring dance wearing that dress, Grace nodded. "Yeah. I'll hafta go armed though!"

"Laughable." Josh sneered as he hung the dress up. Moving to sit on the bed, he sighed. "Listen. Remember last December when you asked me who broke my heart?" Seeing her nod, he took a breath as his voice turned sad. "Her... her name was Jennifer... and she didn't break my heart... she stole it."

Sitting next to him, Grace took his hand. "It's OK. Just go slow."

After getting Grace to promise to not interrupt until he was done, Josh took hours recounting the horror story of his Middle School years. By the time he'd finished, tears had ruined his makeup and he had a pile of tissues on the floor at his feet.

"And when I woke up, I found out she'd had me castrated!" he bawled. "I... I was devastated, Grace!"

"Wait." she finally said. "Is it OK to talk now?" Seeing him nod as he silently cried, she took a breath. "You mean to tell me that you never wanted to be a girl? That your parents did that to you without your consent? Isn't that like, illegal or something? Child abuse?"

Shaking his head, he took a ragged breath. "No! They have that damn letter from Dr. Williams saying I'm TG, so it's all legal, just completely wrong!"

"So... then you're really a boy? In your head I mean?"

"I don't know what the hell I am!" he cried. "I'm so messed up it's not even funny! I... I've always looked like a girl, even before HRT! I... I giggle, I talk like a girl, I write like a girl, I even move like a girl! I always have!"

"But you're a boy." Grace stated. "You are because you say you are!"

Sniffing and dabbing at his eyes, he sighed; glad to get it out of his system. "But... as I was going to say... it doesn't matter. It's too late to fix anything. I've been on HRT for most of a year, I've lost my... um..."

"...balls." Grace answered for him crudely with a smile, making Josh giggle lightly. "Wow. This is just so..." Standing up, she began to pace the room. Turning to look back at him, she could only ask the one thing that had been on her mind since Josh's terrible story had begun. "So... this Jennifer. Was she pretty?"

Smiling and crying simultaneously, he nodded his head. "Beautiful! And kind, caring, selfless... and... and she loved me. I mean, she loved me! Josh!"

"I thought you said she was gay?" she asked, sitting down next to him.

He nodded and wiped his nose. "It's complicated. She... she wanted me to stay a girl, but loved me enough to want me to be myself." Lowering his head, he sighed. "I loved her so much I was willing to be a girl for her, but..."

"...but the Harpy strikes again!" Grace quipped. "God! That woman is insane! I can only believe that she literally ripped you two apart because I've actually met her! That was beyond cruel, Joss!"

Neither said anything for a few moments while Grace worked up the courage to ask her next question. "You... you still love her... don't you?"

Getting up and pacing the room, Josh admitted the truth. "How can I not? Jenn... she was willing to do anything for me, and she was... she was just... wonderful." he said wistfully.

Grace got up and hugged her best friend, holding him for several minutes.

Finally separating, he shook his head. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess, Grace. I just felt... well... you needed to know the whole story. About me, I mean. I understand if you don't want to go with me to the dance... or even if you don't want to be my friend anymore. I mean, I'm a freak! A boy pretending to be a girl trapped in a boy's body that's turning into a girl?" He stepped away from her before facing his closet mirror, his expression contorting into one of pure disgust, and shouted, "Freak!"

Grace stormed up to him and took him by the elbows. "Don't you ever say that about my best friend ever again, Joss! You hear me? Ever!"

Breaking into sobs, Josh collapsed into Grace's arms and cried. She could only hold him and pet his head, trying to comfort him as best she could as she started to cry herself. Finally, after several minutes holding each other, Josh pulled away slightly and looked up at her. "Thank you." he whispered as he dried his tears with another tissue.

"For what?" Grace asked as she wiped away tears from her own cheeks with her sleeve. "For being here for you? What else could I do?"

Josh looked into her eyes and saw the longing in them. He knew she wanted to say more, to do more, but she'd kept it back for his sake. Having told her his truth, he could see in Grace's gaze that she still wanted him. Moving in closer, Josh tilted his head to one side and closed his eyes, leaning forward until his lips met hers. Kissing her gently, he opened his eyes to see she was staring at him wide-eyed.

"Wh... why'd you do that, Joss?" she asked after taking a moment to collect and calm herself.

Josh smiled knowingly. "A few minutes ago, you held me because you knew I needed it. That was because I knew you needed it."

Grace was overwhelmed. She'd dreamed about kissing this beautiful 'girl' for months, and now when he was so vulnerable, her beautiful boy had kissed her first. "Joss, I... I want to do that again, but..."

"...but I'm not ready, I know." he admitted. Leaning in to lay his head against her chest, wrap his arms around her, and close his eyes, he continued as much to himself as to Grace. "I have to learn to let go of the past that I can't change. Jennifer's gone and I have no way of getting her back. I guess someday I'll stop loving her so much that I'll be able to..."

"No." Grace interrupted him. "You'll never stop loving her, Joss. For the rest of your life, you'll love her. She deserves nothing less. She earned that love by the way she loved you. Never forget that."

"So..." he sighed, "...I guess I'll just live alone. Good thing I like cats!"

Leading him over to sit on the bed again, Grace sat close and held his hands in hers. "No, Joss. You'll love again. It'll just be different. My dad once told me that every person we love is a unique thing unlike any other. Loving one person doesn't take away the love you have for another. You think parents with two kids have to stop loving their oldest when they have a new baby? You think when a couple falls in love that they suddenly feel nothing for the people they've loved in the past? No. You'll love again, and you'll never stop loving Jennifer. That's just the way things work."

Josh suddenly remembered something from the second time he'd gone to church. It was so beautiful, he'd memorized it and began to recite it. "Love is patient, love is kind. It doesn't envy, it doesn't boast, it isn't proud. It doesn't dishonor others, it's not self-seeking, it's not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

"Love never fails." the two chorused.

"You know the verse?" Josh asked blinking.

"It's only like one of the most famous Bible quotes ever, Joss!" Grace said with a giggle. Seeing her friend feeling better, she sighed. "So you see, I'm still your friend, right?" she asked. Seeing Josh nod she added, "As for the dance? Of course I wanna go with the prettiest girl there!"

"Even if she's not really your date?" he asked. "Or a girl?"

"Even if your name was Dirk Slabchest!" Grace joked. "But only 'cuz you're so damn adorable!" Laughing together she added, "Of course, it'd be an absolute crime not to wear that dress! Tell you what. You wear that dress with me on Saturday, and I'll call off the Olivia Newton John marathon! No Xanadu or Grease!"

Getting up and retrieving the dress once more, he held it up to himself and looked in the mirror. "For you?" he turned and smiled at her. "Deal!"

That Saturday night, Grace's mother Judy dropped the two off at the school. While Josh wore the pink pastel dress that only came down to just past his knees and left his shoulders bare, Grace wore a dark blue satin halter-style dress that covered her from neck to ankle, only leaving her arms and upper back bare. As they went in, a school councilor stopped them.

"Jocelyn Ryan?" he asked Grace.

The girl stepped up while Joss stopped dead in his tracks and watched wide-eyed. "Who wants to know? Looking for autographs?"

Examining the two, and not knowing either student by sight, he concluded by her question that Grace was Jocelyn. "I'm afraid you can't come in dressed like that... Miss."

"Why not?" she asked incredulously, checking over her dress before turning back to him. "Clashes with my skin tone?"

The councilor looked at her pleadingly. "Please, Miss Ryan. Go home and change into a suit like all the other boys. You're being disruptive."

"Oh, this is too funny!" Grace tried to hold back a giggle. "I'm Grace Wright, you idiot! Wanna see my student ID?" She got it out and showed him.

Looking it over, the slightly heavyset man handed it back and blinked at her. "But... why did you say you were..."

"I didn't, you Neanderthal!" she interrupted him angrily. "You asked if I was, I asked who wants to know, then you assumed I was! That's your fault!"

Looking at her and sighing exasperatedly, he glanced up at Josh and didn't even ask, thoroughly convinced that he was a girl just on sight and already embarrassed by his error. "Sorry about that, ladies. Have fun."

The two entered the gymnasium, Grace still fuming about the councilor's attempt to bar Josh from the dance. Seeing dozens of kids already dancing, she insisted they join in, trying to improve her mood. A short time later when a slow song came on, Josh looked at Grace for a moment and hesitated. He knew she liked him and would like nothing more than a slow dance with him, and he wanted to as well, but the nagging voice in the back of his head just wouldn't stop. What would Jenn say, seeing you dancing with another girl?

When he started moving off the dance floor though, he was stopped by an answer. She'd be happy for you stupid! She's not here... Grace is. She loved you enough to want you to be able to be yourself, even though she loved the girl. Looking back at Grace, he could tell she was disappointed and hiding it. Fearing that they'd be thrown out for being two 'girls' dancing a slow dance together, he was about to chicken out anyway when he saw two other girls take to the floor. Letting some of his grief and loss go, he smiled at Grace and approached her. "Dance with me?" he asked.

Grace didn't need to be asked twice. Taking the lead position, she placed her left hand on Josh's waist and took his left in her right. Swaying to the slow song, the two stared in each other's eyes and smiled, oblivious to everything around them. When the song ended, the two moved off the floor to rest.

Sitting next to him, Grace took his hand and asked a simple question. "Why?"

Smiling weakly, he glanced at her shyly. "Because love doesn't envy." he said in a breathy tone. "I like you Grace! I have for a while now. Yes, I still love Jennifer, but she and I aren't together anymore and probably never will be. I... I think she'd be happy for me, that I found someone who knows me and still likes me! That, if she can't be here, you can, so... so I'm not alone!" Seeing her processing what he'd said, he finished. "I don't know where I am right now. I know I like you and like being near you. Can that be enough for now?"

Letting out a patient sigh, Grace nodded. "For now? Let's dance!"

The next Monday at school, Josh took a moment to see the school councilor that had questioned Grace. Knocking on his door, he waited until he heard the invitation.

"Come in!" Derek Grayson shouted. It was his open time when students could come to him with any questions or concerns about their classes, so he was expecting another complaint about the PE curriculum or some math teacher. "Can I help you Miss..."

"Ryan." he stated as he sat down. "Jocelyn Ryan." He then waited to see if the name would register with the school administrator.

"Ryan... Ryan..." he mumbled as he looked at his computer records. Before he could locate the child's file, he stopped cold and slowly turned his head to look at him again.

"You were looking for me at the dance on Saturday." he stated. "I waited to see if you would ask who I was. You didn't, so I didn't volunteer information that would see me discriminated against."

Struck speechless, he only managed to mumble, "But... you can't be..."

Shaking his head dismissively, Josh pulled out several printed papers and placed them on the man's desk. "I am. That having been established, I'd like to direct your attention to this court case, Doe versus Yunits from eight years ago. In their ruling, the court stated that a school trying to prohibit a female transgender student from wearing female clothes was sexual discrimination and a violation of her rights to freedom of expression."

When he saw the councilor's jaw drop at the information, he pressed forward. "Here is a copy of the letter from a psychiatrist saying I'm transgender, which should already be on file in my school records. Lastly, here's a copy of the school district's policy that prohibits school staff from discriminating against any student on the basis of sexual orientation or identity."

Standing up, Josh leaned in over the desk. "Whoever told you to keep me out of the dance isn't the person who my parents will sue and see to it they loose their job the next time you try to deny me my rights, Mr. Grayson. I personally don't care. I'd have been happy to comply with your demands, were that possible, but I did notice that you didn't stop any of the stoner girls who were there wearing guy's flannels and jeans. My friend Grace was very upset by it though, and I won't see her hurt like that again. Do we understand each other?"

Not used to being talked to that way by a student, he tried to recover. "Now see here..."

"So then I should just have my parents call their lawyer." Josh interrupted. "I see. Good day, Mr. Grayson." At that he turned to leave.

Seeing him walking away, Derek stammered in a panic. "Wait!" When Josh turned around and looked at him through the open door, the school councilor wanted to fight the child's threat, but his better sense kicked in. "Alright." he nodded. "I'll... I'll look into this and let you know what I find."

Nodding in satisfaction, Josh was about to leave again when Mr. Grayson stopped him once more.

"Wait! Just a moment!" he shouted. Seeing Josh come back to the office door, he shook his head. "Why can't you just be a normal boy?"

Thinking a moment, Josh stared him squarely in the eyes. "That's an excellent question, Mr. Grayson. Call me when you find out the answer!"