Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

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After the service, the family went to their usual restaurant for brunch. Josh was quiet and contemplative, distracted as he mentally deconstructed the topic, The Sermon on the Mount. He didn't understand the context, other than in theory, so all he could do was judge the value based on the words spoken. He ate his turkey club sandwich absently, staring off into space as he pondered the words that seemed to be in total contradiction with the impression his parents had given him of the Christian faith.

Getting up, Jennifer tapped Josh on the shoulder to get his attention. "Come with me!" she said happily.

Not even knowing what she was doing, Josh took her hand and would have eagerly followed her if she said she was going to get her appendix removed. When they reached the ladies restroom though, Josh stopped and brought the girl to a halt as well.

"I can't go in there!" he whispered with eyes wide.

"Why not?" she asked innocently, reminding Josh of the answer his mother gave when she wanted to be evasive. "You're a girl!"

"Not really." he pointed out quietly.

"Well, you can't use the men's room dressed like that!" she answered with a giggle. "Just come on! No one's gonna think you're a boy, so what difference does it make?" she insisted as she started pulling him along by the arm.

Slowly giving in, he let himself be pulled into the ladies room. Luckily it was empty and Josh soon discovered that the two glasses of milk he'd drunk had caught up with him and he actually did need to go. Slipping quickly into a stall, he sat down and just tried to pretend he was in the boys' room. The illusion was shattered a moment later when Jennifer started talking.

"Jocelyn?" she said from the adjacent stall. "Thank you for coming!"

"Thank you for inviting me." Josh answered nervously, unused to the way women talk so freely in the bathroom. After he was done, he left the stall to wash his hands while Jennifer continued to chatter away. Just as he finished, a middle-aged woman came in and peered down at him.

"Don't you look nice!" she offered sweetly as she paused before going into the stall he'd just vacated. Finding it unsettling that a strange woman was about to do something very private in the same room he was in, Josh quickly dried his hands and exited. Leaning against the wall outside the door, he exhaled and pondered why it made him so uncomfortable when he'd never felt that way in the men's room. I thought I was starting to like all this?

After he stood and waited a few minutes, Jennifer finally came out. Her brow furrowed, she looked at him quizzically. "Why didn't you wait for me?"

"I did!" he insisted. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"No, I mean... why didn't you wait inside? I was talking to myself in there!"

Unsure how to answer, he gave the only explanation he could. "When boys are done, they just leave. All I know about bathroom etiquette is from being a boy. That was my first time in the ladies room." Walking slowly back to their table, he noticed Jennifer take his hand again.

"I suppose that makes sense. I never see boys go to the restroom together, so why would they wait for each other? I just never thought about it before."

"Why do girls go to the bathroom together?" Josh asked innocently.

"To talk!" she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, that and in case one of us needs something that the other one is carrying if we run out. You know... something we need one week a month?"

Confused for a moment, slowly it dawned on him what she was talking about and his eyes went wide. "Oh! You mean... OK. I'm almost sorry I asked!" he finished with a blush.

"You're adorable when you're embarrassed!" she giggled as they approached the table.

Rejoining the rest of the family, Josh enjoyed the happy ease with which they conducted a simple brunch. They do this every week? he wondered. Several times he was even drawn into their chats. The best night out with my parents was that night last week when I first went out dressed like a girl, and even that night was nothing compared to this! They never seem to get mad about anything! After a little more than an hour eating and chatting, Luke started fidgeting restlessly.

"That's our cue that we're done!" John said with a smile. Getting up, he dropped a ten dollar bill on the table, before taking the check up to the front counter to pay.

While the rest of the family and Josh made their way to the car, Josh leaned in and whispered to Jennifer, their hands once more together. "Jenn? Why did your dad drop cash on the table?"

Looking at him perplexedly, she shrugged. "He was tipping the waitress! Don't your parents do that?"

Blinking absently, he tried to think of an instance, but the closest thing that came to mind was the loose change that they dropped in cups and hats of panhandlers. "I don't know. They never talk to me about things like money or what to do at a restaurant. Daddy always pays with a credit card. Can you give a tip on one of those?"

"I think so." she answered. "They must always do it that way."

Climbing in the back seat, the two rode back to the Healy's home in relative silence, interrupted by an occasional glance at one another and shy giggling.

Pulling into the driveway, just as the two parents let the children out of the car, Josh felt his cell phone vibrating. Climbing out, he was in too good a mood to care that it was his parents calling. "Hi!" he said happily.

"Hi, sweetie!" Melanie said, much more cheerful than usual. "Having fun?"

"Yeah!" he replied, looking back at Jennifer. "We just got back from brunch. I had a turkey club and it was really good! The Healys are very nice!"

"That's great, sweetheart!" she said honestly. "I'm so glad! I know I was worried, but you're your own person and know your own mind. I just wanted to know when you're coming home. No rush! Not trying to cramp your style or anything, but your father wanted to take me out and we need to know if you were going to be home soon. Fred! Stop that! I'm talking to Jocelyn!"

"Hi, princess!" Josh heard in the background. "Love you!"

Rolling his eyes, Josh sighed and looked at Jennifer, who was the only one still outside; the others having gone in. "Tell Daddy I love him too!" he said, shaking his head. "You guys go ahead. I think it'd be OK if I hang out here a while." Eyeing Jennifer questioningly, he was rewarded with a look of utter joy on the girl's face. "Yeah, it should be fine!"

"OK, sweetheart!" his mother replied. "We'd like you home by dinnertime. Is that alright? Love you, baby! See you in a while! Bye!"

Hearing his mother burst into laughter as the line disconnected, he went up to the waiting girl. "They said I can stay out 'til dinnertime. That's usually at seven. I'll need to leave by six-thirty to get the bus home. You sure it's OK?"

"Let's go ask!" she said, taking his hand as the two ran to the house together.

Slowing as they came in the door, Jennifer found her mother in the master bedroom removing the bobby pins holding her hair up; the door wide open. "Mom? Jocelyn's parents said she could stay out until seven, that's when they have dinner. Can she stay until then?"

Looking at the two who looked back at her expectantly, she sighed. "Well, let me ask your father what he thinks, but I don't see why she can't stick around a while. Why don't you show her your room while we talk it over?"

Squealing with delight, she practically pulled Josh's arm out as she went a short way down the hall, opened a door on the opposite side from her parents' room, and pulled him in. "This is my room!" she said proudly.

Looking around, it was smaller than his, but her bed was only a twin instead of a double, so there was almost as much room. "Nice." he said honestly, thinking it was better, as in less girly, than his own. Checking out her posters, they were mostly of popular girl bands with a few landscapes.

"What posters do you have up in your room?" she asked. "This one is my favorite! It's from an old movie!"

Looking at the poster of Austrian hillsides, he smiled. "The Sound of Music! I love that movie! Julie Andrews is so cool!"

"What other movies do you like?"

Grinning like a piano keyboard, Josh sat on her bed and started ticking off his fingers. "I have original movie posters for West Side Story, Oklahoma, The King and I, My Fair Lady, Hello Dolly, and The Fiddler on the Roof! Daddy put them in actual theater display frames for me! I love old musicals! They have such great songs and wonderful period costumes!"

Seeing him so animated and happy was infectious for Jennifer, even though she hadn't even heard of half of the movies he'd mentioned. "That sounds so cool! I'd love to see them sometime! Your posters, I mean! I've seen some of those movies over at my grandma's house. I don't think she has the first few you said, though."

Stunned, he stared at her and asked, "You've never seen West Side Story? It's just like the best musical ever! It's Romeo and Juliet done in the slums of New York in the 50s. It won like ten Academy Awards that year, the most of any musical! You have got to see it! It's like thee best movie in history!"

"Better than The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?" she asked skeptically.

"I wouldn't know." Josh admitted as his enthusiasm died. "I haven't seen it."

Smiling, she sat down next to him and took his hand again. "That's because it isn't out yet! It doesn't come out 'til December! The previews make it look like it's gonna be thee best, though!" she echoed his enthusiasm. Biting her lower lip nervously she asked, "Would... would you come see it with me?"

Shyly grinning back, he nodded and squeezed her hand. "I'd love to!"

Sitting silently together a moment, staring into each other's eyes, eventually Jennifer got up and let go his hand. "You wanna play a game or something? We could go for a walk in the park just down the street... or watch a movie? I don't think we have any old musicals, though."

Just as Josh was about to answer, Vicky stepped in the room. "Mind if your father and I have a talk with Jocelyn first, sweetie?" she asked.

"Sure." Jennifer said as she walked over to her mother for a hug. "Just don't beat her too badly, Mom!" she said as she let go and ran out laughing gaily.

Exhaling heavily, Vicky pulled out the chair from Jennifer's desk. "Come sit over here, dear. I promise... no beatings!"

Giggling, he moved from the bed to the chair as Vicky sat on the girl's bed and John entered, mostly closing the door behind him. Moving to sit next to his wife, the two sighed as they considered what to say.

"Am I in trouble?" he asked, his smile fading. "Did I do something bad?"

"No, sweetie." Vicky said gently. "Not as such. We just want to know a little more about you, is all. Jenny seems very fond of you and we..."

Seeing his wife of fifteen years unsure of how to put it, he finished for her. "We have some... concerns." he put it delicately. "She only just met you last week, but for the last six days she hasn't been able to stop talking about you and... well... we were curious about you. You said your parents have said bad things about Christians?"

Nodding, Josh felt the air collapse from his lungs. Figures! Those two are gonna ruin my friendship with Jenn and they aren't even here! "Yeah. Does that mean you don't want Jenn and I to be friends?"

"No!" they chorused.

Turning to one another, John deferred to Vicky. "Sweetheart, we'd never hold you responsible for things your parents say! You seem like a very open and caring girl and we... we're just concerned that you might repeat some of the things that your parents have said to Luke or Jennifer. We don't believe you would, because we've gotten to know you, but... we just need you to tell us that you won't... for now. When you're older perhaps, but we don't want the children to be exposed to that degree of animosity toward their faith just yet. You're only young once, and we want them to have an innocent time in their lives when they don't have to worry about such things. There's plenty of time for that when they get a few years older."

"Understand, Jocelyn..." John added, "...we're not asking you to lie... just don't bring it up, and if they ask, say you can't talk about it. That's all."

"We'll believe you if you give us your word, dear. We've seen you're an honest girl." Vicky finished.

Being called an 'honest girl' made Josh feel a severe pang of guilt that he wasn't actually a girl, and wasn't being truthful with them about that. He wouldn't lie to them if they directly asked, but he also knew he looked so much like a girl that they never would. Not for a few years anyway, and only if I manage to get out of taking hormone blockers. Deciding that some things were just private, and that it was his choice who to tell and who not to tell, he justified keeping it from them for the time being.

Looking at them a moment, he nodded. "I promise. I won't tell them the things my parents say about Christians until you say I can."

Expressions of relief washing over the two, John stood up and headed for the door. "I'll let you ladies finish. I'll go check on the kids."

As the man closed the door firmly behind him, Josh turned back to Vicky and swallowed hard. This can't be good. he thought.

Vicky bit her lower lip nervously, reminding him of Jennifer's habit and showing him where she'd gotten it. "Jocelyn, I wanted to ask you something privately because it's a sensitive subject and I didn't want to embarrass you. OK?" Seeing Josh nod, she pressed forward. "I... I noticed Jenny taking more of an interest in you than normal... for a girl. She..." Pausing as she tried to formulate the words delicately, she sighed and did her best. "She... likes you, more than girls normally like other girls. You know that, don't you?"

Blushing and turning away, he saw the poster for The Sound of Music, which reminded him of nuns, which in turn reminded him of Pastor Roberts and the friendly man's good advice. When all else fails, tell the truth. Looking back at Jennifer's mother, he hesitated only a moment before he nodded his head slowly.

Moving on, Vicky scooted forward and reached out to take Josh's hands. "Jocelyn? Do you have similar feelings for my Jenny? Please tell me the absolute truth. I won't judge you either way, but I have to know the truth."

A tear escaped his right eye as he fought the desire to deny it, certain that as soon as he did so, he would no longer be welcome in their home. Still, he felt he could do nothing less than tell her the truth. Slowly, tears dropping silently down his cheeks, he almost imperceptibly nodded his head.

Seeing how scared he was, Vicky slid off the bed to her knees and hugged Josh, cradling his head to her breast as though he were her own daughter. "Shhh! It's OK, sweetheart. I'm not mad! You can't help what you feel! I understand! I've got you!"

Feeling the comforting embrace and hearing her words of true compassion and tolerance, Josh released all his pent-up fear, anguish, repressed self-loathing, and bitterness that he'd been pushing aside and burying inside of himself for weeks. Unable to stem the tide once the dam was broken, he sobbed openly into Vicky's shoulder and clung to her as though he might drown in his own tears if he let go.

After a time, finally the feelings of helplessness and self-loathing began to ebb, at least enough he could regain his composure and some of his outward dignity. "S... sorry... V... Vicky." he said though halting sobs. "I... I... I didn't... mean to... lose con... control... like that." he blubbered. Taking the tissue she offered him, he wiped his face and blew his nose. "I must look a fright!"

Laughing at his use of such an old-fashioned expression gleaned from his beloved old movies, Vicky shook her head. "No, dear! Though you might want to clean up before you come out of Jenny's room!" Pausing to let him calm himself and use another tissue to dry his face and eyes, Vicky guided him to sit next to her on Jennifer's bed. "Feeling better?" she asked. Seeing Josh nod, she sighed and looked away at her daughter's girl band posters.

"John and I were afraid of this." she admitted to the boy. "She's never shown any interest in boys, even though all the other girls her age have. We were hoping that it was just a phase, but it's not." Turning to Josh, she smiled at him gently. "Yes, we know it's not your fault! You didn't make our daughter g... gay. Nobody did. We don't hate you, or her, for something you had no hand in. May... may I ask you something personal?"

Josh took a breath and nodded. "Anything." he answered.

Turning away, embarrassed to be asking a twelve-year-old this, she forged ahead regardless. "Have... Is Jenny the first girl that you've liked this way?"

Slowly shaking his head, Josh answered honestly. "No. There's another girl at school I liked, but she doesn't like me."

"That hurts no matter who you are or who you like." Vicky said with a sigh. "We've all been there. Last year, Jenny... well... I shouldn't tell you things about her. That should be up to her if she shares them with you. Suffice it to say, she liked a girl and the feeling wasn't mutual. Jenny was devastated for months. We knew, but hoped it might change her. God's work is sometimes very painful to endure, but a greater good always comes from it to erase the hurt. It just sometimes takes longer than we'd like."

Biting her lip again, Vicky looked at Josh once more. "I... I'm afraid for my daughter, Jocelyn. Afraid that out of love for someone, she'll abandon her faith and turn against us. John and I promised each other that no matter what, we wouldn't do anything that might drive her away from us. We may not like it, but we can't do that to our own daughter. I'm telling you all this because I think you might understand. You may only be twelve, but you have an air of wisdom to you beyond your years. I feel like you not only understand, but that... well... we think you can help."

Looking up at her, Josh furrowed his brow. "How can I help? I can't even help myself! There's a part of me that makes me different. I wish I could make it go away, but I can't." He hated not telling her everything, but he wasn't ready to face the possible rejection, so he equivocated.

"I understand, sweetie." she said, squeezing him with the arm she'd wrapped around his shoulders. "What I mean is that you can... well... be there for her. She likes you... and so do John and I. We were both impressed with your honesty and how you wanted to learn about our faith for yourself, despite what your parents told you. That means you aren't likely to try and force your opinions on others... even if you don't share them."

Sighing as she couldn't believe the words she was about to say, she let go of her fear and said them anyway, trusting to providence. "We... we wouldn't object to you two spending... time... with each other, if that's what you two want, so long as you can respect the limits we set, and providing, of course, that your own parents approve, which we gather, they're likely to."

Turning to face Vicky, Josh was in complete stupefaction at what he was hearing. Having fully expected to be thrown out of their house for admitting he liked Jennifer as more than a friend, here they were, all but giving them permission to date each other.

"Just so you know, if you'd have said that the feeling wasn't mutual, I'd have believed you... and then asked you to leave and never return, hoping that in a few weeks Jenny would get over you." Vicky admitted. "We couldn't stand to watch her work herself up over another girl, only to be spurned again. If you didn't like her that way, we would have tried to minimize the hurt by ending your relationship right away. Do you understand?"

Regarding Vicky, Josh released the breath he was holding as he realized that the truth was what had saved him. "OK. I understand. So... what limits?"

Confused for a moment, she blushed and looked away as she began to follow his question. "Oh! Um... well for starters, you can't be alone anywhere, like in this room, or yours, with the door closed. Secondly, no public displays of affection. That's mostly for your and Jenny's protection. Here in the house, or at yours or another private place where it's safe, it would be... permitted. Lastly, Luke cannot know about your relationship, so you'd have to make sure he never sees anything that would be... well... inappropriate... for a nine-year-old boy. This would be the case until he's at least a teenager. By then you'd both be sixteen... and at that point you'd be of the age of consent anyway... and I think it would also be obvious to a blind fool that you were a couple if you're together that long... so..."

Tapping Vicky on the shoulder, Josh waited until she'd turned to face him. "Before I came over here this morning, my Mom figured out how much I like Jenn and the only thing she said to me was to go slow, enjoy it, and not let myself get hurt." Letting that sink in, he continued. "I think your rules are a lot better. Jenn and I are just kids!"

"I like Jenn." he sighed happily. "A lot, but I don't want to race ahead. I like how she makes me feel and don't want it to change, even if it's to feel better. She means too much to me to risk losing her by going too fast. I don't know if we'll still feel the same four years from now, I just know that right now I'd do just about anything just to be near her. I like how she makes me feel and how I make her feel... and that's enough."

Gaping at Josh, Vicky was speechless. Finally she stood and offered Josh a hand up. Kneeling down and taking him in her arms, she let go of her fears. "I see what Jenny sees in you, Jocelyn. You have a good soul. I could think of no one better for her than someone like you... boy or girl!"

Giving Josh a few minutes to clean and fix his face, the two headed out into the living room together. Seeing John sitting and holding Jennifer as the girl wept, the two adults looked at one another knowingly and nodded.

"Jocelyn? Why don't you come in the kitchen and help me make up some snacks?" Vicky said in order to give Jennifer time to compose herself. A few minutes later, John joined the two in the kitchen.

"Jenny wanted to go freshen up." he explained. "She'll be out shortly."

"Have a good talk?" Vicky asked as she cut up a cucumber.

"Very productive and with a positive outlook." he answered her real question in a way that would be difficult for Josh to discern.

"Same here." Vicky told him, glancing down at their twelve-year-old guest.

Just as the two finished making up a vegetable tray, Josh spotted Jennifer coming into the kitchen. Her eyes were as bloodshot from crying as his own, but inside them was a light that shone gaily. "Here, Jocelyn." she offered. "You're my guest, let me get that for you!"

When Jennifer came in close to Josh to take the tray, their hands touched and they both froze, their eyes fixed on one another. Josh felt her fingers against his, her skin sliding ever so gently against his own hypersensitive nerves and lighting a fire in his belly like none he'd ever known. It lasted barely a second, but it burned into his memory for the rest of his life.

Later as they walked through the park, John far enough behind them to give them some privacy, they were once more holding hands.

"So..." Jennifer said at last, "I take it Mom talked to you while Dad talked to me?"

Josh nodded. "Your parents are wonderful, Jenn. They love you so much!"

She agreed and smiled. "I know. They're about as good as parents can get and still be parents! I mean, I can't even get my ears pierced until I'm in High School, and they always have to know where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing... blah, blah, blah! I know they do it because they love me and care about me, but sometimes it gets to be a bit too much!"

"Believe me, Jenn!" Josh laughed. "That's way better than parents that don't set any limits or try and control your every move! I should know!"

Giggling together, they swung their hands between them playfully, their fingers intertwined. After a moment, Josh screwed up the courage to ask the question he needed to know the answer to. "Jenn? I... I need to know if they know about me... about who and what I am, I mean,"

Jennifer shook her head and stared at the sidewalk. "Not unless they figured it out on their own, they don't... or unless you told them. I doubt there's any way they could figure it out themselves, though! You're much too beautiful!"

Blushing, Josh turned away a moment before looking back to her. "I think I need to tell them. I can't stand lying to them, even by way of just not telling them everything. I wanted to talk to you about it first because... well... there's a chance they'll take it all back and we'll never be allowed to see each other again if I do. So since this doesn't just affect me, I need to see what you think before I decide what I'm going to do."

Terrified, she shook her head vigorously. "No! You can't! I couldn't take it if they made you go away! I... I need you too much! Can't... can't you just wait? That way they get used to you, get to know you like I do, and then..."

"...and then tell them that the person they thought I was is a phony?" Josh pointed out. One thing growing up in his parents' home taught him how to do well was to have an open debate. "It'd make them question everything they know about me and destroy the trust they put in me. They might just send me packing on that alone, even if they otherwise wouldn't."

"But Joss, if you tell them now, then we get so close, only to have no time together to enjoy it!" she countered. "God! I wish He would just tell me what to do sometimes... which path is the right one! Sometimes it's just so hard to tell!"

"I don't know much about Christianity, just what I heard today, really." Josh shook his head. "But a lot of what I heard says that Jesus wanted us to be good to one another, right? That part about 'doing unto others'? I've heard it before. It's called The Golden Rule." Seeing her nod, he continued. "It seems to me that if you live by that rule, you gotta be as honest with them as they are with us... and what your mom told me earlier was pretty darn honest, even though she didn't want to say it!"

"I'm scared!" she admitted, slowing to a stop. "Hold me?"

Glancing back at her father, Josh wrapped her in a warm hug. Jennifer in turn clung to the smaller boy and threatened to crush him with the ferocity of her need to be close to him. After a short time, the two sensed John moving up closer. Not angrily, but enough to be a gentle reminder of their promise to limit displays of affection in public. Separating, Josh looked over at the man whose face was a turmoil of concern, fear, anguish, and hope. Looking down and then smiling up at Jennifer, Josh started walking with her again, their hands still entwined.