Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

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Sitting in the library, Erica stared out the window as the snow fell all around the house. She knew she needed to get back to her studies, but her mind just wouldn't settle. Her thoughts drifted as freely as the snowflakes that fell past the large window, taking her from one memory of the last few months to the next. Finally shaking her head to make herself focus, she re-read her essay on early New Hampshire history. Reviewing her notes, she finished the closing and set the papers aside, glad that her work was done before Christmas break.

Rising from her seat, she stretched like a cat and placed her work in the folder to give her aunt. Turning out the desk light, she was mildly jealous of Faith's ease with completing writing assignments. Over the last month, Faith had continually beaten Erica at finishing them, giving Faith more free time. She knew it was petty, so she dismissed the thought out of hand.

She'd also noticed how Faith had started changing as of late. Her moods were unpredictable and chaotic. Her aunt Heather had explained that it was just hormones, but Erica couldn't understand why her own moods were not as volatile and were instead more subdued. Slowly ascending the stairs to their shared room, she pondered the problem. Other than the one time I punched Chet, I haven't noticed me being like Faith gets!

Erica had tried her best to make up for her one serious lapse in judgement, doing chores, helping both Cook and Franchesca with as many things as she was able to between studies. Her aunt had never brought up the incident again, seeming to have completely dismissed it. Maybe she thinks I've done enough to make up for it.

Entering their room, she saw Faith sitting near the foot of their bed on Erica's side. "Hi." she greeted her cousin quietly.

Faith shot her cousin a look that could freeze air. "Hi." she barked back.

Sick of dancing around whatever it was that had gotten her cousin mad at her, Erica sat on Faith's side of the bed and faced her. "Can we talk?" she asked delicately.

Dropping onto her back, Faith looked up at the ceiling. "There's nothing to talk about." Silence sat between them like a drift of snow.

Mimicking her cousin, Erica sighed and lay back on the bed, her head next to Faith's. Unsure what else to say, she lay there silently.

Finally, her moody cousin broke the silence. "Maybe it's time you move to your room." she stated bluntly.

Too heartbroken at the idea to even put up a fight, Erica only noticed the tear after it fell from her eye. "If that's what you want." she said quietly.

"It is." Faith snipped as she rolled off the bed. "I'll tell Mamma." Without another word, Faith stormed out of the room, nearly slamming their door.

Able to do nothing but lay there, tears ran down into her ears as she slowly sank into apathy once more. Everything hurt too much and, no matter what, it seemed she couldn't escape the pain of her existence. Over the last six weeks Heather had worked with her several days a week, helping her cope with her sadness and anger, eventually discarding the notion that she was Erica Hargrave. Telling her aunt that she still wasn't ready to go back to being Eric, instead she became Erica Bella Dunning, her own person.

Slowly, she stood up and walked over to the vanity, taking a seat and looking at her reflection. She could still see her mother looking back at her, but somehow it looked hollow; vacant, like a shadow rather than a ghost or reflection. She watched the redness of her eyes deepen as more tears formed. Taking a tissue, she wiped them and started going through the drawers to take out the few things that were hers.

A gentle knock interrupted her busywork, making her look up to see her aunt entering. "Mind some company?" she asked delicately.

Shaking her head, Erica let out a ragged breath, trying to contain the sadness that consumed her. "It's fine, Aunt Heather." She stopped her task and watched her aunt move over to the bed and sit, patting the mattress. Moving over to the bed, Erica sat down next to her slowly and sadly, leaning in to rest her head against her aunt's shoulder.

Heather ran her fingers through Erica's pretty hair, it having grown out so much that Brooke had colored it once more. "Faith told me she wants a room to herself again. I wanted to talk with you about that."

"It's fine, I guess." she retorted with a shrug. "It's what Faith wants, so I guess it'll make her happy again."

Her aunt nodded. "Alright. Do you understand why?"

Shaking her head slowly, Erica dropped backwards onto the bed to stare at the ceiling as she'd done earlier. "Not really, Aunt Heather. It just seems like everything I do makes her mad. I don't understand it. She doesn't ever want to play with me anymore. I know it's snowy and has been for two weeks, but she seems like she doesn't want to do anything with me, even inside. I just wish I knew what I did wrong."

Heather pulled her niece up and hugged her gently. "You didn't do anything wrong, sweetie. Faith is just going through a hard time right now. Her body is changing and her mind is, too. She's starting to grow up."

She took comfort in holding her aunt. "So it'll happen to me too, someday?"

Dancing around the subject delicately, Heather gave only a half answer. "Not exactly the same way, dear. Everybody is different, so we all go through this part of life in a different way."

They sat there in silence while Heather petted her head to comfort her. Ever since the Halloween party, Heather had been steadily chipping away at Erica's vault of pain she'd locked behind her fantasy. Before Faith's recent moodiness, Heather even had hope that Erica might be nearing a time when she could finally fully face her grief and return to her life as Eric. Now with yet another trauma pounding on her delicate psyche, she seemed to be retreating further and further back into what Heather believed to be the child's fantasy of being a girl.

Out of nowhere, Faith stormed into the room. "So? Do I get my own room again or what?" she barked at her mother.

Looking sternly at her daughter, understanding her issues didn't excuse her rudeness. "Faith! You have to understand this is very hard for Erica. She's gotten used to having you around. Separating you will be difficult."

She rolled her eyes at her mother. "So... is that a yes?" she sniped.

"Faith!" Heather exclaimed. "Don't you dare take that tone with me!"

Seeing her mother angry wasn't something she was used to. It shocked Faith so much she jumped. Stubbornly pushing back, she sneered at her mother. "Just tell me when his stuff is out of my room so I can sleep in peace for once!" At that she stormed out.

Heather was stunned at Faith's callous outburst, but not nearly as much so as Erica. Heather looked down at the stricken girl, who looked to be in shock to the point she wasn't even breathing. Erica stared at the doorway as though it were a gaping maw about to consume her soul. Her aunt was torn between wanting to console Erica and chasing down Faith to make her apologize. Finally, she turned to Erica and looked her in the eyes.

"Erica? I love you, just the way you are. I don't care what Faith said, you are my niece and I love you. Do you understand me?"

Shaken from her state of shock, she nodded at her aunt as tears silently ran down her cheeks and she began breathing again. Moving forward, she hugged her aunt as though clinging to a life ring, the woman's loving embrace the only thing keeping her from drowning in a sea of pain.

Pulling back, she looked once more in the girl's eyes. "I need to go talk to Faith. What she said was inexcusable. Will you be OK for a minute without me?" Seeing a slight nod from the girl, she stood up and backed toward the door. "I'll be back soon." she added before turning to pursue her child.

Sitting in the lonely confines of what had been her room for the last two months, Erica looked at the things around her that gave her comfort. Their shared vanity, the neatly arranged row of stuffed animals along the toy box at the foot of their bed. As her eyes turned toward the box of dolls she started hearing yelling from downstairs. Her aunt's muffled and unintelligible voice, mixed with that of Faith's, rang through the building like echoes of the storm that had greeted her arrival at her new home.

After a short time, the yelling stopped and silence sat over the house once more, thick as fog. Erica knew she should get up to start collecting her things, but she couldn't make her body obey. Instead she just sat, unable to even rise. Sinking rapidly into a near catatonic state, she floated through memories that were some of the best of her life since coming to live with her aunt.

Turning as they tried to keep up, Faith shouted, "Come on slow-pokes!"

Erica held out her hand to Mike as they climbed over the log. Their hike through the woods to the north of her aunt Heather's house had taken them up a hill through thickly wooded forest. Faith knew the path well, having walked it many times, but Erica and Mike were lagging behind.

"Wait up!" Erica yelled. Turning toward Mike, she laughed as he flopped onto the ground into a pile of leaves that had been gathered together by the wind. The frost of the week before had melted into a warm Indian Summer. The three children had known that soon their outdoor activities would be confined to snowball fights and other winter activities for many months, so they took advantage of the temporary warm weather as much as possible, spending every weekend day out exploring nature.

Mike lay on the fallen leaves and panted for breath. "Tha' cousin... air yours... mus' be... part mountain goat!" he exclaimed.

Falling into the leaf pile beside him, Erica giggled. Finally she looked up at her cousin who had back-tracked and stood over them with her hands on her hips looking like Cook when Franchesca invaded her kitchen.

"Aren't you two coming?" she asked.

Erica laughed as she stood back up and gave her hand to Mike. "Yeah, we air comin' col ceathrar!" she said, imitating Mike's brogue.

Taking his best friend's hand, Mike pulled himself up. "Ye' sure'n ye aren't from Eire, girseach? Ye' sound like me mamaí!"

"Well, if you two are quite through, can we get moving?" Faith scowled at the two. "I'd like to get to the pond before it gets too late!"

"Yes, Faith." Erica sighed. "Lead the way!"

The three continued to hike up the hill while Erica and Mike lagged behind a bit. "So, you're going back to Eire for Christmas?" she asked, turning to him.

Mike nodded. "Aye. Mamaí misses her siúrs an' she wants ta' spend it back in 'er home town this year."

Erica nodded in understanding. "Well, I'll miss you while you're gone. Will you write me? I've never gotten a letter from another country before!"

"I will ya!" he laughed. Seeing her scowl at him for implying that he wouldn't, he swallowed hard and nodded, "Aye, I'll do that."

Cresting the slight rise, Faith stopped and finally smiled. "Here it is!" she yelled. "Come on, you two!"

The two friends jogged up the hill to stand next to Faith, breathing heavily from their run. Erica looked down at the pond that had formed in the slight depression from the melting snow. A few birds that had not flown south for the coming winter flew over the water, giving it a serene feeling that this place was untouched and pure.

The trio ran down the short hill to the edge of the water and took in the beauty of the view. Splitting up, Erica and Faith started walking around the pond to the left while Mike went to the right. It was small enough that they could yell across it to each other without difficulty, if needed.

While Faith walked along slowly with her cousin, she looked over at her. "Erica? Why did you invite Mike along? I wanted to show this to you."

She shrugged as she picked up a small rock and tossed it in the pond. "I don't know. I just thought he might like it, too."

"But I wanted to spend time with just us!" Faith whined. "You're always spending time with Mike! It's like he's your boyfriend!"

Stopping, Erica looked at her cousin. "He is not!" Lowering her voice she added, "You know I don't like boys that way! Yeah, I know he's got a crush on me, but so what? He's nice, sweet, and interesting to talk to, but he's not my boyfriend! I mean... eww!"

Faith turned and looked at her. "You're making him think he's got a chance, Erica."

"A chance at what?"

"Ugh!" Faith rolled her eyes. "A chance at you, nitwit! And that's another thing. You used to always talk about April being your best friend. Now it's Mike all the time!"

Lowering her head, Erica's voice turned melancholy. "I... I don't like to think about April. It hurts." She fiddled with her fingers as she tried not to think about the pain in her heart from missing the girl she'd gown up with.

Her cousin saw she was struggling and became impatient. "It's OK, Erica. You can just say it."

She looked back up. "Say what?"

"That you're in love with April." Faith said sadly as she turned back to their walk around the pond.

Erica felt her face flush at hearing the words. Starting to move again, she easily caught back up with her cousin. "How did you know?" she whispered after a moment.

Rolling her eyes again, Faith looked away. "It's so obvious, Erica! Every time you talk about her I can see little broken hearts around your head!"

"Oh." was her only reply. After a moment, she looked over at Faith. "I didn't know you knew."

Faith sighed. "It's just that I hate to see you so heartbroken over it, is all. I mean, I know that before you left you were just friends, and now that you're so far away from her you wanted it to be more. It's just all so sad."

Erica nodded silently. As the two reached the side of the pond, they both looked over at Mike who was shouting to them.

"Oi! Ah found a bone!" he cried.

Faith giggled as they waved at him. "I'll bet he did!" she murmured.

"Huh?" Erica looked at her confusedly.

Shaking her head, Faith dismissed the question. "Never mind. I guess it's only funny to me!"

Reaching the far side and meeting back up with Mike, he was very animated about his discovery. "Ah thin' it ware a deer! Look here!" He held out a piece of hoof.

Faith stepped back. "Eww! Put that away, Mike! God, boys are so gross!"

Disappointed, Erica had wanted to humor her friend and look at it. Trying to salvage a good time out of their walk, she made a suggestion. "Why don't we walk back around the way Mike came. That way he can show us where he found it and we can see the rest of the pond!"

Rolling her eyes once more Faith spat, "Fine!" and started walking ahead, but Erica quickly caught up to her.

Lowering her voice to a whisper she asked, "Is something bothering you?"

Faith stopped and turned to Mike. "Could you give us a moment?" she asked. "I promise we won't take long."

Mike smiled. "Sure! Ah'll jes walk oot th' other way a wee bit. Come ta' think o' it, Ah thin' Ah'd like ta see th' oo'r side. Ah'll meet ya back where'n we started, a'right?" He turned and headed back the way they had come.

When Faith was sure he was out of easy hearing range, she sighed and looked at Erica. "I guess I'm just jealous is all. I mean, when you got here, April was your best friend. Then Mike became your best friend. I guess I thought..." Her voice broke as it trailed off into silence.

Taking hold of Faith's hand, they started walking again and Erica turned to her. "Faith, you're the best friend I've ever had! You're always there for me, helping me, giving good advice. You know how much you mean to me."

She sighed and leaned her shoulder against Erica's. "I know, but you never want to spend time with just me. You did at first when you got here, but now it's like you're afraid to or something."

Her cousin shrugged as she tried to hedge her answer. "It's not that. It's just that... well... you and I are different about some things. Don't get me wrong, I think you're great! In fact I think you're just about perfect!" she said dreamily. Swallowing hard, Erica was worried that too much of her true feelings had shown through. "If I considered anyone my best friend, it would be you." she tried to recover.

Faith stopped and looked at her. "Do you mean that Erica? For real?"

"For real." Erica nodded shyly, glad that Faith had obviously not picked up on the real meaning of her expression of admiration for her cousin, that she'd grown to care for Faith far more than she should for them being cousins.

The two didn't say anything more as they made their way around the pond, just walking in companionable silence and holding hands. When they met up with Mike on the other side, Faith seemed much more at ease with having him around and even included him in their conversations. Erica was truly happy. Her two best friends were happily together with her; a true trio.

It was one of the best days of Erica's life.

Faith looked up at her mother. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Trying to explain, Heather sighed. While Faith was no longer shouting at her, she still wasn't listening. "Faith, you may well have undermined all of the last two months of therapy I've been doing with your cousin! Don't you see? You've broken her world... again, and just when she was getting ready to leave her fantasies of her own accord! Damn you, Faith!"

It shocked her to hear her mother swear. In fact she was sure it was the first time her mother had ever sworn in front of her. "Mamma!"

Heather was beyond frustrated. She had spent weeks getting Erica to admit she wasn't her own mother and felt certain she was close to giving up her feminine persona and return to being the boy he'd always been. Now her daughter, on an emotional whim with terrible timing, had undone almost all of her progress. Turning away from Faith, she struggled to figure out a way to undo the damage. At last she turned to her daughter and sat next to her.

"Dear, you know I understand how you feel lately, but don't you think you could set that aside for just a short while and try to help me? Otherwise I just don't know what may happen! Your cousin could end up hurting herself if she doesn't give up these fantasies of being a girl! It's already gone on far too long!"

Faith crossed her arms and looked away. "Seems like you care more about getting Eric back than you do your own daughter!" she quipped angrily.

Reaching out, Heather made Faith look at her. "Now you know that's not true, Faith! I love you both. You have to remember though just how hurt she is. How would you feel if you lost me the way she lost her mother?"

Her anger began to wane as she listened, but not her resolve. "Mamma, I do understand, but Erica is just... ugh!" She stood and walked away from her mother and crossed her arms again. "She's not a little girl anymore, Mamma. She's starting to grow up... and not into a woman! You're going to have to do something about that!" she hinted.

Standing, she crossed the room, walking up delicately behind her daughter. "Faith..." Heather made her turn around and face her. "Dear, has... has Erica done anything... inappropriate?"

Faith stiffened and stormed away from her mother. "Of course she hasn't!" she yelled. "How could you even think...!" Her voice trailed off as she lacked the words to express just how upset even the accusation made her.

Looking at Faith, Heather put her hands on her hips. "Well you made it sound as if..."

"Oh, Mamma, I did not!" Faith interrupted. "You just try to read into everything I say, even when I'm just saying something simple!"

Her mother shook her head. "You haven't said anything simple in weeks, dear... and don't interrupt!"

Closing her eyes, Faith mentally counted to ten, trying to keep from losing her temper again. "Mamma, that's just so unfair! You don't understand!"

"Mothers never do, dear." she shot back calmly. "That is, until you grow up and realize they understood everything, all too well."

Faith sat down, exhausted from fighting with her. "Mamma! Just give me a straight answer! Can I have my own room back, or are you going to do something about Erica?"

Slowly, Heather stepped in front of her daughter and went down to her knees to face her directly. "Faith darling, you know I want to give you everything you want or need. Why is this so important to you all of a sudden? Two months ago you were begging me to let her share your room! What's changed? What's happened that suddenly makes you want your cousin to be away from you?"

She couldn't look her mother in the eye. She looked down and then to the side. "I guess I've changed." Gathering her courage, she sighed and tried to force the issue. "I can't share a room with someone that's going to be a teenage boy soon, Mamma. Something has to be done." she hinted again.

After a few moments, Heather finally let out an exasperated sigh. "Alright, Faith." she relented. "I'll see to it Erica's things are moved to her room, but you know this is going to hurt her. Badly. What are you going to tell her?"

Faith looked at her mother's eyes, reflections of her own, with a stunned expression as she'd not been expecting this turn of events, nor for her mother to put the responsibility on her. "Me? You want me to tell her?"

She stood and started to leave. "Yes, Faith. You. If this is what you need, you need to make your cousin understand it." With nothing more to say, she left the room to find Franchesca and make preparations for the change.

Slowly, Faith opened the door to their room, knocking lightly as she did so. Seeing Erica sitting motionless on the bed, she cleared her throat and softly said, "Hi." When she'd pushed for separate rooms, the last thing she'd expected was to get what she said she wanted. To then have to hurt Erica on top of it was pouring salt in the wound. When Erica didn't even look her way, she quietly came in and stepped in front of her cousin, looking into Erica's green eyes that were glazed over as though she were blind. She didn't even seem to see Faith standing right in front of her.

After a moment, she moved around and sat on the bed next to her. Not seeing any sign that Erica was even aware of her presence, she truly understood how badly she'd hurt her cousin. It's like she's not even here... like she's lost inside herself. She tried to take Erica's hand, but even after doing so it sat limp in hers, the same as if she were asleep. Finally, she rested her head on Erica's shoulder and hooked her arm under the slightly younger girl's limp limb. Sitting like that for several minutes, she tried to come up with the words that would explain things. Finally giving up, she just started to talk about whatever came to her mind.

"I really liked the short story you wrote last week." she started. "It was really good. You don't write as fast as me, but you write a lot better." Not seeing any change, she just continued. "I think you have a real talent for writing." More silence filled the room until Faith couldn't stand it anymore. "Erica! I need to talk to you! Won't you please listen?"

Somewhere in her mind, Erica was vaguely aware of Faith's presence, but she just couldn't figure out how to reply. Faith? she thought, unable to make her thoughts reach her lips. Faith? I don't know what I did wrong, but can you forgive me? Please? Still unable to make her body respond, Erica started screaming the words in her mind, but to no avail. Nothing she did seemed to connect her mind with her body. Finally, she turned inward and began to pray... pray that she might find her way back... that she might be happy once more in her new home... that Faith wouldn't hate her for whatever it was she'd done wrong.

Starting to see tears forming in her cousin's eyes, but nothing else, no sign that she was there, Faith became frantic. "Erica! You're scaring me! Please! Just say something! Yell at me! I deserve it! Please! I'm sorry, OK? I didn't mean it! Please, just... just don't leave me!" she began to cry.

Erica's hand slowly responded, moving to take her cousin's, griping it lightly.

Faith's eyes widened at the first sign of life from her tormented cousin. "Erica?" Faith asked hopefully as her tears abated.

Two green eyes slowly tracked around to face Faith, her head gradually following them. Erica tried to speak, but words would still not come out. Her lips moved, but no sound came forth.

Practically tackling Erica in a hug, tears rolled down Faith's face. "Erica! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean what I said before! I swear! Please forgive me! I know you're not a boy, and I don't want you to go!"

Feeling her cousin's tears on her neck, Erica could only manage to hug her, words still not making it from her mind to her lips.

Babbling now, Faith tried to explain why she'd done what she'd done. "You've been such a Godsend to me, Erica! I never thought I'd ever need someone near me so much in all my life! It... it sacred me how much I need you to never go away! You're the best friend I could ever have!" Not ready to admit the full truth yet, she thought up an excuse. "I... I tried to push you away before you left me! I'm so sorry, Erica!"

Finally, words came loose of her tongue, words she'd been trying desperately to say since Faith entered the room. "I... I... I..."

"Yes? What is it, Erica?" Faith wiped her eyes. "Just say what you need to... it's OK. Even if you hate me, just please be OK!"

Erica took a breath and tried again. "I... understand... if... you... hate me, Faith, but..."

The smaller girl interrupted her. "I don't hate you Erica! I love you! So much! I... just..." She paused and made herself say part of what she felt. "I don't want you to ever leave me! I don't want you to ever go back to Southern California, or back to being Eric! I know that's terrible of me, but it's the truth! Please, Erica! Never go back? I know you want to because April is there and you love her, but please? Say you'll never go? That you'll never leave me?"

Erica smiled weakly and shook her head. "N.... never!"