Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

Clarification: The entire first part of this chapter is a traumatic flashback.

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Erica bounded into the living room, gay as a lark. It was just before six o'clock and she knew April would be home from school by now. "Aunt Heather? It's almost six. I know it will be time for dinner soon, but before dinner, can I call my friend April and let her know I'm OK?"

Her aunt Heather sighed. "May you call her..." she corrected.

She calmed herself and rephrased her request. "Before dinner, may I call my friend April and let her know I arrived safely?"

Still getting used to the bubbly little girl before her who stood in stark contrast to the broken and lifeless boy she'd met less than a full day earlier, Heather conceded. "Very well, but please keep it brief. This is not a cell phone. Long distance calls cost money, and I won't have you making dinner late."

"I promise, Aunt Heather! Just a quick word to say high and let her know I'm alright." Pausing she asked, "If I give April your phone number and tell when it's OK to call, she can call here and it won't cost anything, right?"

Heather disliked giving out her phone number to strangers, but she determined that giving it to a child could do little harm. "Very well, Erica. The number is on the telephone. Please tell her not to call during meal times or after eight thirty. Is that clear?"

Curtsying slightly, Erica replied with a smile. "Yes, Aunt Heather. May I call her now?"

With a simple nod from her aunt, Erica stopped herself from squealing and running across the room to the old style rotary telephone. She'd never seen one before and found its use charming and elegant. Over the last several hours, she'd reconciled the details of her life. She was Erica Hargrave, her own mother. After she died of leukemia, to keep her child from being alone, she'd been reborn into 'his' mind. Now they were simply one girl.

Making herself cross the room at a walk, she sat gently on the couch, lifted the receiver, and started to dial April's cell phone number. She was dismayed when it gave a message that the number was no longer in service. Hanging up, she dialed April's home number and waited as it began to ring. She waited nervously as the phone rang and was startled slightly when she heard the other end pick up.

"Hello?" April's mother said.

"H-hello Mrs. Stone. Is April there?" Erica asked nervously.

The voice on the phone seemed irritated. "Who's calling?" she asked.

Being her own mother, the 'boy' April only ever knew as Eric, and Erica, she wasn't sure how to answer. Barely managing to stammer out a reply, she said, "It's Eric...a Dunning."

Listening, she heard April's mother say, "It's that Dunning boy!" to someone, then the sound of the receiver being passed around, followed by a strong masculine voice.

"This is April's father, Eric." he boomed. "We don't think it would be a good idea for you to talk to April."

Erica felt her heart drop. "W-why, sir? Is she sick?" Thoughts of losing her best friend not only to distance but also illness or death flooded Erica's mind, nearly driving her mad at the thought of losing yet another part of her old life.

"Now listen here, boy." April's father growled as Erica listened in stunned silence. "We put up with your dead-beat butt for six months! Fed you, clothed you, paid for your school supplies, and we never even got half of that back from your mom's probate!"

As she listened in shock, she heard April's mother. "Dear! That's not the boy's fault! Just tell him what we talked about and hang up before April hears and comes down!"

Finally, he lowered the axe. "I know what happened isn't your fault boy, but April's been a wreck since you left! In time, she'll get over it and forget all about you. You talking to her will just drag it out longer. It's best if you just go about the rest of your life your own way and let April go hers. You'll never see each other again anyway, so best to make a clean break of it and stop ruining her future by making her cling to a wimp like you!"

Pausing a moment, there was some concealed conversation before he finished his cruel one-sided conversation. "Oh, and don't try emailing her, texting her, or calling her. We've had all that changed. So good riddance and don't call here again!"

Hearing the connection terminate, Erica dropped the receiver as tears began streaking down her shocked face.

Seeing the stunned and hurt look on Erica's face, Heather raced to her side. Returning the receiver to its cradle, she asked, "What happened, dear? Is she alright?" While she generally tried not to eavesdrop, she couldn't help but overhear Erica asking about April being ill.

Erica turned to her aunt and buried her face in her loving shoulder, the older woman taking the girl up in her arms as she began to cry like a baby.

Worried that the damaged child had been made to endure yet another trauma, all she could do was rock her in her arms and pet her head, telling her, "It'll be OK, sweetie! I'm here! Just let it all out!"

She cried for a full ten minutes, Faith standing in the living room the whole time, waiting to find out what happened. Fredrick merely stood impassively next to the entryway to the dining room, waiting for things to settle out before his employer would give the word for the delayed dinner to start. When the ordeal had begun, he'd taken it upon himself to tell Cook that dinner would be late and that something was terribly wrong with the newest member of their household.

As she sobbed, she whispered to herself, "I'm Erica Hargrave!" over and over, unaware that her aunt could hear her. Finally, the tears dried up and Erica was so numb she couldn't cry anymore. Leaning back, she eventually said between sobs, "I'm... s-sorry, Aunt H-Heather. I... I... didn't m-mean... to g-get... you... all w-wet... and m-make... dinner l-late!"

Heather consoled the devastated youth. "Oh, don't worry about that, sweetheart! You're much more important than my dress or dinner. Now, can you tell me what happened?"

While Erica told the tale, Faith just stood by in wide-eyed horror. Fredrick remained standing impassively, but was nearly overcome with the desire to find these heathens and teach the man of the house a lesson in what it feels like to have your heart broken by breaking a few of his ribs. Theresa had entered just as the story began and couldn't contain her tears. Even the frosty Franchesca, standing at the top of the stairs and listening, was moved so much that she couldn't bear to hear the whole thing and ran off before she could be seen crying her eyes out.

She managed to finish the tale just as the crying began anew. "And then he... he said n-never... to call back a-again... and h-hung up! I... I... I n-never... even g-got... to s-say g-goodbye... to h-her!" Resuming her place on her aunt's shoulder, she continued to cry for some time. Meanwhile, Faith slowly walked up to her mother and cousin and gently placed her hand on Erica's arm, just so the girl would know that she was there.

Eventually, the tears subsided once more and Fredrick was ready. Handing Mrs. Hargrave tissues for herself, Erica, and Faith, he returned to stand next to the doorway alongside Cook, handing a tissue to her as well so she would stop using her apron.

After the crying ebbed, Heather addressed Fredrick and Cook. "I'm afraid we'll have to postpone dinner once more. I apologize for the inconvenience it may cause you two."

Fredrick spoke for them both. "Think nothing of it, Madame. I took the liberty as I could see there were more important matters to deal with."

"Thank you, Fredrick." Heather replied. "Now, Erica. There's nothing I can say that will make this better right now. Just know that in time, you won't feel the hurt so badly anymore. It will never go away, but you will survive it and one day it will be bearable!"

She understood her aunt was trying to help, but nothing seemed to make the pain lessen. "I know, A-Aunt Heather. Th-Thank you. It just h-hurts so bad th-that I couldn't e-even t-tell her I w-was OK! She'll n-never know!"

Heather petted her head gently. "I know, sweetheart! I know! I wish I could fix it for you!"

Smiling weakly, Faith offered, "Couldn't you write her a letter?"

The devastated youth shook her head, her tear-soaked cheeks making her shiver. "No. Her parents would see who it was from before she ever got it."

Crestfallen, Faith's voice turned sullen. "Oh."

Eventually, after getting cleaned up, the three solemnly headed for the dining room. Erica was impassive and vacant, eating only when reminded to and even then just enough to satisfy her aunt. Finally, after Faith had been done for nearly ten minutes, Heather said, "Well, I guess that's enough for tonight. Maybe your appetite will return in the morning."

She looked down at her plate, feeling guilty that she failed to eat the meal given to her. I don't think I'll ever be hungry again! she mused. Not wanting to upset her kind and gracious aunt, she nodded weakly and said, "Yes, Aunt Heather. May I be excused?"

Erica felt her chair being pulled away from the table and then felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. Looking up at Fredrick's impassive face, she took the other offered hand and let him help her stand. Slowly, she followed her aunt back into the living room with Faith taking her hand as they walked side by side behind Heather.

Her aunt sat on the loveseat as usual and Faith let go of Erica's hand, hugged her mother, kissed her cheek, and said simply, " I love you, Mamma."

Returning the hug and kiss with much more care and affection than normal, she replied, "I love you too, Faith. Very much!"

Slowly shuffling up to her aunt, Erica resumed her place where she'd spent so long crying before dinner. Hugging her earnestly, as though she were the last person on Earth, Erica could hardly make herself let go. Finally, she released her aunt, kissed her on the cheek, and said with every good feeling she had left, "Thank you, Aunt Heather. I love you so much!"

Heather nearly burst into tears herself, seeing the desperate love, adoration, and gratitude young Erica showered on her. "Oh, sweetheart! I love you, too! I'll be up in a while to tuck you both in, OK?"

She bathed in the guest bathroom, just as she had the first night. Before the fateful call it had been decided, mostly by Faith, that Erica and she should share the girl's room from then on. Though her mother was hesitant to agree, Faith got her way by asking questions and refusing to accept an answer that was essentially, 'because you're not supposed to' or 'it's just not done that way'. Lacking any valid reason to keep the two separate, and since Faith's wardrobe was going to have to be shared by the two for a time, putting them in one room was just the logical choice.

The only concession Faith made was at bath time. Since both needed to bathe at the same time, it was decided that Erica would bathe in the guest bathroom, while Faith continued to use her own. Even Faith had to admit that seeing her cousin completely naked was 'bad', which itself took half an hour to get her to admit, without explicitly stating why.

While Erica finished washing, she noticed the hair on her legs was growing slightly noticeable. Taking the lady's razor, she shaved her legs for the first time, enjoying the smooth feel of them when she was done.

Pulling the plug on the tub, she stepped out and dried off, making sure to wrap her hair in a towel the way she'd seen her mother and Faith do. Her hair was just long enough to make it stay, and she felt quite grown up as she pulled on her fresh panties, nightgown, and robe. Slipping her feet into her slippers, she deposited the towels and dirty laundry in the hamper, the dress she'd worn that day having already been taken off in their bedroom where she'd donned her robe and slippers.

Shuffling her way to her shared bedroom, she was pleased to see Faith was only just then coming out of the bathroom herself. Concerned that she'd taken too long to get clean, she was content at least to know that she'd not dawdled. The two girls were solemn as they got into bed after drying their hair as best as they could and then brushing each other's hair out in silence. A few minutes after they got in bed, the door opened and Faith's mother again glided in to share prayers with her two girls.

Faith looked over at Erica sadly before saying her silent prayer. After she said "Amen.", she and her mother turned to Erica.

The girl simply sat there, impassively staring off into empty space, her pain acute and raw. She felt cold and alone, certain now that even if there was a God, He was a cruel and sadistic monster that enjoyed watching people suffer in torment.

Heather cleared her throat. Once Erica looked over at her she said, "Erica? Won't you say your prayers?"

She bridled at the suggestion that she bow in supplication to a God that would let her suffer so much pain and loss. "Why? So He can kick me in the teeth again?"

Faith's eyes widened as her mother shook her head solemnly. "So you're going to blame God for the actions of two foolish parents?"

Feeling the wind knocked out of her sails, Erica was prepared to fight her aunt, but she'd just made an unassailable point. I'm not really mad at God, I guess, not for this anyway. Directing her thoughts at the Creator, she shouted in her mind. Letting my mother die for no good reason is enough reason to hate You! I don't need to blame You for April's parents being cruel! Though You supposedly made them that way, right? You made everything!

Feeling guilty for shouting at God while her wonderfully kind aunt waited, she decided it would do no harm to please her, laced her fingers together, closed her eyes, and pretended to pray. After what she thought was enough time she simply said, "Amen." quietly, opened her eyes, and looked at her aunt while smiling weakly.

Sighing as she guessed that Erica was just humoring her, she accepted the old adage. Fake it 'till you make it. Smiling back, she bade both girls to lay down. Once they were settled, she kissed them on the forehead, first Faith and then Erica. Pausing as she sat on the bedside next to her niece, she tried to soothe the young girl's aching soul.

"You know, I remember when I went away to college, I had a best friend, too. Her name was Lydia and she and I did everything together, but her parents wanted her to go to Columbia, while I was headed to Stanford. I used to be so mad at them for breaking up our friendship, but it turned out for the best. When Lydia and I were together, we didn't need anyone else! If she had gone to Stanford with me, I would probably have never gone to the party where I met your uncle Richard."

Erica wasn't sure what her aunt was driving at. Finally she asked, "So now you're glad they split you up?"

The older woman shook her head in the dim light of the moon coming through the window. "No, not glad per say, but I'm not mad at them for it anymore. Because you see, we don't know why things have to happen the way they do. We just aren't smart enough to see the future and know what good things can come from the bad things." Pausing, she stood up and concluded, "And who are we to say that the bad outweighs the good? After all, if you hadn't needed to come here, we would never have been able to know and love you, Erica."

The devastated girl felt a tear roll down her cheek as her aunt kissed her on the forehead and walked to the door. As she looked over at her aunt silhouetted by the dim gaslights in the hallway, she heard her say, "Goodnight, girls. Pleasant dreams and may God bless."

"Erica?" Faith asked, wondering why her cousin had suddenly become so sullen. Going back over their conversation, Faith realized Erica had been about to say that she was prettier than April, reminding her cousin of the heartbreak of the previous evening. "Oh, Erica!" Moving around behind her again, Faith began to brush out her cousin's hair, still damp from the previous night's bath, until she was ready to put the wig on.

Thinking of how to cheer her up, Faith smiled. "Hey, Erica? I think you have really pretty hair. Maybe when we can get to town, Mamma can get your hair dyed and you can have your own hair just like your mamma's!"

Perking up and breaking from the depressing lows of the previous evening, Erica looked at her cousin's reflection. "What was that, Faith?"

She pulled the red play wig over Erica's head, settling it in place and tucking little strands of dirty-blonde hair out of sight before inserting the bobby pins to hold it in place. "I was saying that maybe once we can get to town, Mamma can get your hair dyed the same color as this hair."

Looking in the mirror, once more Erica saw the vision of her young mother. Smiling she tried to imagine her own hair the same shade of red as her mother's without having to wear it. "I would like that!" she purred.

Once Faith finished settling Erica's hair in place, they switched and Erica followed Faith's instructions as to how to brush and style her hair. She found the experience relaxing and fun. Faith's hair was very fine and naturally curly, so using only a curling brush, she managed to restore most of Faith's curls. As she was nearing completion, her aunt entered their shared room after a light knock on the door.

"Well!" she complimented. "You've done a very nice job, Erica! Now I don't have to tend to Faith's hair in the mornings!"

Her daughter stood as soon as Erica finished. "Mamma? I thought of a way to thank her!"

She smiled down suspiciously at her suddenly generous daughter. "And how is that, dear?"

Looking back at Erica she said, "I think we should get her hair colored the same as her mamma's was!"

Heather looked at Erica's reaction and saw her smile at the prospect. "Well, we'll see. Until the roads open once more, it's a moot point, though."

"I know." Faith nodded. "I just think she would look a lot better with her own hair that color. Don't you think so, Mamma?"

Her mother regarded her niece, not wanting to commit her to a change that would have lasting effects should she decide that she was ready to move on from her escape. "Yes, I think it would be most becoming, but then I think we can also do a lot with her natural hair color. Dark blonde hair with the proper style can be very pretty!" Walking up to Erica she asked, "What would you like, sweetie?"

Blushing, she looked down and fidgeted with her fingers. "I do like it most when my hair is this color, Aunt Heather." Toying with the hair tickling her neck she added, "But this wig can get awful itchy sometimes!"

Laughing lightly, she took both girls in her arms. "Come on you two! Lets go down for breakfast and afterward we'll get you two set up to go out and enjoy the first snow of the season!" Starting toward the door, she noticed Erica's dress. "That dress is lovely on you, sweetie. Did Faith pick it out?"

Erica shook her head as they entered the hall. "No, Aunt Heather. I did!"

Walking slowly toward the staircase, she smiled. "Well, I think it shows you have wonderful taste!" As they descended the stairs, she noted absently, "Once the roads are clear, our first priority will be to get you some new clothes, Erica. Have you thought about what you'd like?"

Slowing as she followed Faith and her aunt down the steps, after a moment of gathering her courage, she resumed their pace and replied. "I was thinking some dresses, not the same as Faith's, but different? I mean, Faith looks great in her dresses, and I don't think she should change her style at all, but I think I'd like some things that are... um... different, Aunt Heather. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I'll know it when I see it."

Reaching the base of the stairs, her aunt nodded. "Very well. I'll think on it."

After an uneventful breakfast, old music emanating from the restored Victrola in the kitchen, the three sat in the living room once more, her aunt seated on the loveseat and the two girls seated on the couch. After settling in, Heather asked, "So you think you will want to stay Erica for a while?" It was the first time since her aunt agreed to let her be a girl that she'd broached the subject of how long she wanted to stay that way.

Faith put her hands on her hips, giving her a furious look. "Mamma!"

Heather held up a hand to forestall Faith's objections. "Now dear, I have no intention of pushing Erica into anything, but she must get her own clothes. She cannot just continue to wear yours. True?"

She looked back at her mother suspiciously. "Yes, but..."

Once more she stopped her daughter's retort. "...but I must know Erica's intentions... not yours." She paused to let it sink in before returning to her sweet mothering tone. "Erica is not your plaything, Faith. Circumstances demanded Erica dress in your clothes, and she has decided to live with us as Erica... for now. I believe some good can come of it, and hope she decides to stay living as Erica... while it is helpful... but your desire to have a sister should not enter in to her decisions about what is best for her."

Pausing a moment, she collected her thoughts. "I can even say that my love for Erica as she was shouldn't sway her decisions." Heather admitted. "Erica must feel free to make that decision for herself, to determine on her own what she needs to do. I will not have you pushing her to be what you want her to be just to make you happy. Is that clear?"

Faith's anger at her mother for what she felt was pushing Erica to go back to being a boy melted in the face of her own desire to ensure Erica stayed a girl indefinitely. "Yes, Mamma. I'm sorry if I disrespected you. I'll try to do better."

She smiled at her daughter. "I know, dear. You always wanted a sister, and now here you are with a cousin and you want things to stay the way they are, but I must know what Erica's needs are and plan accordingly." Turning to face the girl who'd said nothing during the exchange, she motioned for Erica to come sit next to her.

Standing and gingerly walking over to the loveseat, Erica sat facing her aunt. "Yes, Aunt Heather?"

"Erica sweetheart," Heather began, taking both of Erica's hands in her own, "I know this is difficult, but soon the roads will open again and we'll go into town to buy the things you'll need to live here. I must know how long you want to live here as Erica." Glancing at her daughter she added, "With no pressure either way. Right Faith?"

Standing back up, Faith looked at her cousin solemnly. "Erica? You know I love you just the way you are, and I would love it if you stayed this way, but I'd still love you if you don't."

Her mother smiled and turned back to Erica. "And I'll love you just the same if you stay this way or not. What do you want to do?"

The new girl took a moment before answering. "I think I know, Aunt Heather. I know it's kind of escaping from my troubles, but if it would be alright, I'd like to live here as Erica."

Her aunt smiled. "I know sweetie, but I need to know for how long?"

"I really don't know, Aunt Heather." Erica admitted. "The way I feel right now, I can't see me wanting to ever go back to the way I was." Closing her eyes, she gave it serious thought. After a few moments she opened her eyes and said, "I know you need a time, but the best I can say is that I want stay Erica for as long as you'll let me. Does that help?"

She patted Erica's hand. "It helps enough, sweetheart. I'll plan accordingly. I think I know what you need. Will you trust me on that?"

"Yes, Aunt Heather!" Erica smiled. About to get back up, she sat down again and asked, "Aunt Heather? I know it may be asking a lot, but I really do want to have red hair. May I?"

Sighing, she gave in. "Very well. I'll look into it."

Leaping into the air, Faith cried, "Yippee!"

Her mother tried to be stern with her, ordering her to sit back down, but her jubilance was too infectious and could not be contained. Soon the three were laughing and, after a moment, Heather rose to her feet. "Well girls, I have some things to attend to, and you two have a field full of untouched snow waiting for you!"

This time it was Erica's turn to jump up, but in her case it was to head to the closet for her outerwear. About to run past her aunt, Erica doubled back and hugged her. "Thank you, Aunt Heather!" At that, she practically skipped over to the front door as Fredrick waited to assist with coats and boots.