Byline chapter 26

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Copyright © 2021 Peregrine
All rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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chapter 26

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It was the last week of January and I was still waiting to hear from Jennifer and the magazine. Trevor has been my rock while I’ve been waiting to hear if I continue the assignment. Trevor and I were sitting on the couch in my apartment.

“I still haven’t heard from Jennifer,” I said. “I think that’s a bad sign.”

“Why are you so worried? You’ll still have a job if they cancel the assignment, right?”

“I suppose,” I said. I sighed. “I’ll be letting a lot of people down. I will have to give up this apartment.”

“That’s not a problem. You have a place to live,” he said. He began stroking my hair.

“I know. I still have my old apartment. Abbey’s still there. I guess we’ll just live together until the wedding.”

“I mean you have a place to live with me,” he said.

I looked up into those blue eyes of his. “Why Mr. Wilkes, are you asking me to move in with you?”

“It sure sounded like it,” he said. I smiled at him.

“I think that is rushing things but thank you. Where I live is not what’s bothering me.”

“Then what is?”

I sighed. “It’s me. I started presenting as a woman because of the article. A feature article with my byline. That all goes away if it’s canceled. Maybe I do also.”

“You’re not making any sense. You’re not going anywhere.”

“Do you like me this way?”

He sat up and looked at me. “Of course I do. Who wouldn’t like to have someone as beautiful as you?”

“What if I stopped presenting as a woman and had my implants removed? Would I still be beautiful to you?” He put his finger under my chin and gently lifted my head and looked into my eyes.

“I fell in love with who you are on the inside not how you present on the outside. If you want to go back to being C J or stay as Casey or even Kenzie, it’s all fine with me. If you want to stay male and continue to present as a woman or have surgery, you are still you. Whatever you decide to do, don’t do it for me. Any decision you make has to be what you want.”

“Now you sound like my mother.”

“She must be very wise.”

“I’m sure I’m going to have my implants removed as soon as the assignment is over.”

“Then I better take advantage of them while I can.”

I don’t think Trevor will ever stop teasing me about Kenzie. Maybe I’ll learn an Australian accent. I have realized the magazine’s decision to cancel or not cancel the assignment should not have any bearing on what I am going to do. I know if the magazine says to continue with the assignment, I continue presenting as a woman. If the assignment is canceled, I can have these implants removed. I can go back to being C J. But I don’t have to stop presenting as a woman. It’s funny how things change. Before all this started, I did all I could do to be seen as a man. Now I’m doing everything I can to be seen as a woman. I want people to see me as a woman and maybe not because of the article. I believe society's pressures make it a lot of work to be a woman. I’m willing to put in the work just like almost all women. I wonder if Abbey is right. Will it be hard for me to go back to being C J?

~~0~~

I took the weekend to go see mom. I didn’t tell Abbey I was going. Trevor had plans to spend some time with his friends. He said he would cancel and come with me. I convinced him to go see his friends. I wanted to see mom by myself.

“Any trouble getting here?” Mom asked as I walked in and took off my coat.

“No problems. Traffic was light,” I said. We hugged.

“Come to the kitchen. I made iced tea.” I walked to the kitchen past all the pictures mom had of me and Abbey as kids, of high school and college graduations. I saw my old self in each one. It came to me. That was my old self. This is my new self. Either way, they are both me. When I got to the kitchen, mom poured me a glass of iced tea then began pouring one for herself. I watched as the beads of condensation on my glass raced down the outside of the glass. Mom sat down and took a sip of her drink. “Have you heard from the magazine yet?”

“No. I’m a bit worried. The longer it takes the more I’m guessing they are going to cancel.”

“Would it be so bad if they did?” she asked.

“It would mean I failed my assignment. They won’t publish my article. Cindy would be disappointed since it was her idea. Jennifer will be disappointed too. Plus I won’t get my feature story and my byline.”

“Ah, so you feel like you would be letting people down.” She folded her hands on the table. “Casey, how have you felt about the time spent on this article? I mean all of it, from the beginning.”

“I don’t know,” I said. I wracked my brain trying to put my feelings into words. “I was excited to get offered the assignment. I wasn’t happy about getting the breast implants. I didn’t like the training. I even fought it at times. I didn’t like having to be a waitress. I didn’t like having to look attractive because it’s what’s expected.” I took a breath. “But I do like not having people look at me funny. I like being accepted. I liked the attention of Dave and even Kevin for a while. I like the attention from Trevor. I liked being accepted by the girls at the Christmas party. I like getting dressed up and getting pampered at the salon.”

“Are you afraid that if the assignment is canceled you’ll be giving up all the things you liked?”

I sat there as mom took another sip of her tea. “Maybe. I do realize I don’t have to give any of it up. I can continue to present as a woman without the assignment.”

“Are you thinking of doing so for Trevor?”

I looked into her eyes. “No, Trevor said he doesn’t care if I stay as Casey or go back to being C J.

“So what’s the problem?”

I sat back in my chair and felt my shoulders drop. “I really don’t know. Can you help?”

“First and foremost, you are my child. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay or bi. I don’t care if you present as a woman or a man. I don’t care if you decide you want to transition. I’ve said this before. Whatever you decide, It must be because it’s what you want to do. Don’t do anything because you think it’s something someone else wants.”

“I want you to be happy. Right now, despite your indecision, this is the happiest I have ever seen my Casey. The moody, lonely high school kid has been replaced with a happy, friendly and confident young adult who is no longer hiding and wants to be seen. I won’t help you make a decision. Just make sure it’s your decision.”

“Thanks, mom,” I said.

We hugged. Trevor was right. My mom is wise.

~~0~~

While waiting for the magazine to answer, I’ve been going to work every day manning my post at the reception desk. Hannah and I had an unspoken signal. She was aware of what was going on. I would walk in the door and Hannah would give me a questioning look. I would give a slight shake of my head and we would carry on with our day without another word being said.

It was the last Friday in January. I had gotten back from lunch and heard my phone. I looked at my phone’s display and saw it was Jennifer. I looked over at Hannah, her eyes asking the question. I shook my head yes. “Go take the call in the conference room. No one’s going to be using it this afternoon,” she said. I rushed down the hall while answering the call.

“Hi, Jennifer.”

“Casey, I’m glad I got you. I wanted you to hear this from me. We’ve made a decision on your assignment.” My heart sank. It had to be bad news. “It was quite a meeting. There were a lot of discussions all around the table. There was the cost of the project to consider. Plus the opinion that you didn’t seem to be fully invested in the assignment. All aspects were discussed. I was in your corner. I still believe you can finish the assignment. But in the end, it came down to the articles.

“You know I was very disappointed in your original articles. They didn’t seem to be up to your usual work. I knew you could do better. We all had read your re-written articles. I don’t know what you did but the re-written articles were far beyond what I expected. Everyone agreed. The assignment is worth continuing. I’ll be sending you comments on the articles. I’ll tell you, they don’t need much work.”

I did a fist pump. “That’s great! Thank you, Jennifer.”

“You do know what that means, right? You’ll be presenting as a woman until the end of the assignment.”

“That won’t be a problem. I can do this for another 5 months.”

“There might be a problem then.”

“What problem? I thought you said the assignment was not canceled?”

“I did. What I didn’t tell you is they want to extend the project. The new end date is February of next year. The feeling in the discussions was it has taken you this long to be able to begin to feel society’s feelings toward and pressures on women. They want you to write about the full year. You still good?”

I smiled. “The new end date won’t be a problem,” I said.

“Great, keep up the good work on those articles and keep sending them in.”

I held onto the phone after disconnecting. The assignment has been approved, with an extension. I was happy. I get to finish the assignment. I get to have a feature story printed with my byline. But more importantly, I get to keep presenting as a woman. How things turn around. Last year, I hated when people mistook me for a woman. I boiled inside wondering what’s wrong with them. Today, I’m happy to learn I am going to present as a woman for a while longer. I’m going to be presenting as a woman when Abbey gets married. She’ll have her sister there for her wedding. I wonder if she has told Gil about me.

I went back to the desk. Hannah gave me that questioning look. This time I answered. “They approved!”

“That’s great,” she said. We hugged.

“Would you cover for me while I make some calls?” I asked.

I began calling people starting with Trevor.

~~0~~

“Hi, Casey.” This was the phone call I had been waiting for. My time presenting as a woman was coming to an end. Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter just flew by. It was only weeks ago I was celebrating my second Christmas as a woman. Midnight on New Year’s Eve found me kissing Trevor without running away. I have had a lot of time to think during the past year.

“I’m making it official,” Jennifer said. “Your assignment is over. It’s going to be one heck of an article.”

“Thanks. It’s been an interesting year and a half,” I said.”

“I’m sure it has. You’ve been given a month off, with pay of course. You’ll need to be out of the apartment by then. I think that should be plenty of time to recover.”

“Recover from what?”

“From your year as a woman and the implant removal surgery. We’ve scheduled some dates with the clinic. So give them a call and pick a date that works for you. They’re expecting your call. If you want to give your job two weeks’ notice, we’re prepared to give you an extra two weeks off. I think I know you so I already put in for the six weeks.”

“Thanks, Jennifer. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Keep writing the way you have been. That’s all the thanks I need.”

Our call disconnected. So this was it. I’ll hand in my two weeks’ notice today. After that, I no longer have to present as a woman. I let that sink in. Soon Casey will be gone and C J will return. That thought felt weird. It felt like Casey was dying. That’s silly. No matter what, I’ll still be Casey. I won’t have to get any more mani-pedis, get my hair done, wear skirts or dresses, no more high heels and no more bra. I’ll be back to androgynous C J. Back to being ignored. Back to getting the confused looks when people try to decide if I’m a man or a woman. Back to being a square peg on a board full of round holes. I brought my hand up to cup my breast. I can have the implants removed. I hated these breasts when Abbey gave them to me. Somehow they became a part of me. They had defined me as a woman as soon as I left the clinic. People saw me and put me in that round hole on the board. Now, I can set a date and have the implants removed. I picked up the phone and dialed the clinic.

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Thanks for reading. Comments welcome.

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Cover picture Credits
Photo by Daria Sannikova from Pexels
Photo by Valeriia Miller from Pexels
Photo Composite by Peregrine