Sissy Stifled -- Pt 4

Maid Joy

I reported for morning formation at 0700. While part of my mind was on what I was doing, PT is pretty mindless. Yelling the cadence wasn’t something that took up a lot of my mental faculties. I put my body and my voice on autopilot and turned my attention to the past weekend.

There where a lot of thing I needed to consider. Mistress was correct, I didn’t know what I wanted to gain from my exploration. I knew that I enjoyed dressing up, but I also knew that I didn’t look as much like a girl as I wanted to when I finally got the clothes on. I had to make some decisions.

***

PT was finished and now for the exiting part, sitting around and waiting. My current duty station had my platoon on alert, meaning if anything went wrong, we would be the first sent to the danger zone. Unfortunately this meant there was a lot of sitting and waiting. Since we were confined to base the only training we could do was limited. Alert status means they can’t grind you into the ground but they don’t want your skills and reflexes getting flabby. We did hand to hand combat a few times a week along with firing range training and PT but that was about it.

This unfortunately gave me a lot of time to think. I said unfortunately because the military doesn’t want you to think very long or very often. So while I was sitting in offices or barracks I had a lot of time for introspection. I thought about my career in the military, what I wanted from my dressing up and what I wanted in my relationship with my mistress.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to her, she had made it clear that there would be absolutely no sex. I assumed this was due to prostitution laws. My blue balls were only going to be relieved by myself. Fortunately I had lots of “personal time” alone in my room. If she had forbidden me that release I would probably have gone crazy.

I had to honestly ask myself if there was a sexual component to wearing the clothes. I had to admit there was a thrill of the forbidden, but that wasn’t my prime motivator. It was a nice bonus. Most of the time while I was dressed up I wasn’t aroused at all. So when I returned to her, I could honestly answer that a sexual turn on wasn’t my primary motivation.

I knew I should be talking to one of the psychologist about my questions. I couldn’t bring myself to do it despite “no ask no tell” I knew the records of my conversations would be available to the “wrong people.” By the wrong people I mean, my commanders.

If I thought my life was hard now, it would become a thousand times more difficult if my secret were to come out.

I had a reputation to maintain after all. As an NCO I was expected to maintain an exemplary level of professional behavior with the troops I was leading. After all, everyone knows it’s the sergeants who really run the army. Even if people understood and didn’t judge there would still be some loss of confidence and respect. In a combat zone, that would be fatal. Better to keep quiet and deal with it in my own way than to know that I had caused some child to lose their father because of what I was, what I wanted to be.

Better by far to remain silent than to drag that guilt around forever.

Did I want to be a girl? If things went as far as possible, a sex change could be an option. It was the logical conclusion of this whole process. Could I bear to lose my penis and replace it with a vagina?

I didn’t know about going that far right now. I would need to take some more time to think about that.

***

Time passes quickly when you don’t have much to do. I had figured out a few things, but many others were still not clear.

I knew that I enjoyed dressing up. I liked the textures of clothes, the way they felt against my skin, how it draped and the sheer comfort of most of those clothes. Skirts were a logical choice for most times and days when it was hot. I understood kilts and how popular they became simply because of the ease of wear.

Granted, during cold days it was hell to have a skirt on, wind whipping up them and freezing parts that were supposed to stay warm wasn’t fun. It made sense that males wear skirts, what with the dangly bits being less in danger of getting squashed in a very uncomfortable way. It made even more sense that women, who didn’t have the extra parts, should wear pants with all the cloth padding the tender area of their crotches.

I went back to my room after hanging out in the squad bay for a while. I had some paperwork to do and some reviews to give. I turned on the TV in my room and let it run in the background while working.

Ignoring the noise was pretty easy, until the commercials started. They are designed to grab your attention, no matter what you are doing and to pull it to the TV. I noticed the ads. Most times, they weren’t anything I was interested in, but there was the occasional commercial that made me ache for what wasn’t.

For example, there was an ad where a mother and a daughter were walking down a beach talking about douches. I mean, let’s not pretend and talk about “freshness”, they were selling douches. The concept of cleaning yourself out with chemicals wasn’t something that I was interested in, but males didn’t do that. You would never see a father and his son walking and talking about something like jock itch! They might talk about beer while they were working on the car, but not anything of substance.

Then comes the ads about clothes. Looking at some good looking babe pulling on some jeans and wanting to have them on myself, and to look that good in them, and knowing that I never will, it really hurt. Adding insult to injury, then came an advertisement for wedding dresses.

I got up and turned the channel. I couldn’t take it anymore. Intimacy between girls, looking good, feeling divine textures, all those were the things I wanted. It didn’t matter about being taken by a man, it didn’t matter about having a vagina or having to clean out myself. I didn’t care that I would never be able to have children, none of those things mattered.

I had heard girls occasionally complaining about cramps and so on. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to grab those girls and shake them till their teeth rattled and make them realize just how lucky they were. How if offered the chance to swap bodies with them, no matter how bad the cramps were, I’d trade without giving it a second thought.

***

My duties continued and I took care of them like I was an automaton. I paid attention to those duties when I had to, but for the most part it was just something to kill the time.

The summons to the First Sergeant’s office came as a surprise.

I reported as I was supposed to and I was invited in.

“Taylor, I have to tell you that I’ve been impressed with how you have been handling your duties recently. But I have noticed that you seem distracted. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“First Sergeant, I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to do after this tour is up. I’m not sure that I want to re-up and so I’m considering the rest of my life.”

“Well,” the First Sergeant said, “you have to consider a lot of things. As you know, the Army has been good to you, and you are an exceptional soldier. You could probably write your own ticket with the Retention people. Bonuses, promotion, choice of duty stations, other perks are all possible for you. Heck, you could change your MOS as well if you really wanted to.”

“I know First Sar’ent, but I’m really considering leaving the Army all together.”

He was quiet for a bit. While my revelation shocked him, being a career military man, I could see that he was really thinking about giving me the best advice he could. “I understand the impulse to do so, but you really have to be practical about this. If I recall correctly, you came to us right out of High School. That means that you don’t have a lot of skills for the business world. What would you do?”

I shook my head.

“There aren’t many jobs out there where you can go kill people. Ones where you can kill people legally aren’t at all common. So what would you do? Even if you don’t know, it is something you have to consider.”

I shifted my position a bit and had to think. He watched me for a little bit and then finally broke the silence. “I’m sure that if you wanted to, you could take a class for a secondary MOS in a marketable skill for the business world. It would mean you would have less time to yourself, but it would give you a skill to sell for when you get out.”

I nodded and didn’t say much of anything. He was right. “May I be dismissed First Ser’ant? You have given me a lot to think about.”

He made a few notations in the file he had in front of him and said, “Just don’t get so distracted by thinking of what comes next that you start not paying attention to detail. There’s a lot that we can help you with, but your duty to your men and to the Captain comes first. Dismissed.”

I snapped to attention and nodded to him. Turning briskly I left the office and went back to my room.

***

Two days later I was at the Training Complex and I was going through the different MOSes that I could train in. The combat arms were out, and while some of the jobs were close, like Military Police, there were some that I wanted to do, but as a girl instead of a male.

That was the problem right now, I wanted a job that I could do either as a male or a female. Mistress had promised me that it was possible to get things and do thing so that I looked female all the time, and I truly wanted that.

Unfortunately there was this whole commitment I made to my Country. As long as I was enlisted, I wasn’t free to make any massive changes. In fact, if you read the Military Regulations correctly, my body didn’t belong to me at all. I couldn’t get a tattoo. According to the regulations, anything I did to my body that the Military didn’t want me to do could be seen as “willful destruction of government property”. That could get me stuck in Fort Leavenworth for a long time.

Somehow I doubted that I would like wearing dresses there.

The Army had been good to me. I enjoyed the work and I enjoyed the physicality of it as well. It was a challenge every day. I did want to be the best of the best. I loved getting high scores on the range and I truly enjoyed reducing my time in the Confidence Course.

But a career in the Army would mean giving up my dreams of being female. Oh, sure I could be female in the military, but not a transsexual in the military. The regulations were murky at best, but that was too close to being gay.

There really seemed to be no way out of this trap.