Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 1:00 PM

"Dawn Terrell?" called the lady in the green scrubs. I got up and hefted the child carrier, heading for the door into the inner sanctum.

"Lets see how much this little lady weighs, shall we?"

"She seems to get heaver as the day goes on."

"So I'm told. Hmmm - a bit light but still within the normal range. And twenty inches, also low normal. Nothing to worry about there, Ms Waldrop.

"That's good. I really haven't much idea what's normal, I'm still new at this game."

"You and most parents with a first child. Dawn is doing fine. Are you breastfeeding?"

"I just wish! She's my foster child, but I'm going to talk with my endocrinologist to see if I might be able to breastfeed."

"I'm sorry, I hadn't realized you were a foster mother."

"No problem. She's my daughter now and I intend to adopt her as fast as the system will crank out the paperwork."

"Excellent! If you would come into this room the doctor will be with you shortly."

This doctor may be a pediatrician, but I know what 'the doctor will be with you shortly' means in realspeak. I got Dawn out of her carrier and started blowing on her tummy and otherwise doing the silly things parents do with babies. I was rewarded by happy baby noises and whiled away the time until there was a knock on the door and a gray-haired gentleman in the typical doctor's white coat came in.

"Dawn and Hope? I'm Doctor Parson."

"There's always hope at dawn, don't you think?" I couldn't resist.

"So there is."

"Although she seems to think dawn occurs about four AM so far."

"No surprise there. I see that this is your initial visit. What happened with your previous pediatrician?"

"I'm fostering Dawn, so far her grandparents have not been forthcoming with much information and her mother is dead. This is to sort of establish a baseline for her."

"I'm sorry to hear about such tragedy. You have my condolences."

"Thank you, doctor. I know very little about her mother, but I've had Dawn for a week now and she seems to be a responsive and happy baby. I think she's even starting to smile at me."

"Which helps new mothers keep from killing their children, although I don't doubt that the DSS folks wouldn't approve of my saying that."

"Probably not, but I can understand how you could lose your temper with a fussy baby in the middle of the night. I'm learning the meaning of patience."

"The results are worth the effort. Let me have a look at the little mite."

The exam confirmed my thoughts, Dawn was a happy and healthy baby, if a bit underweight. Her mother must have done something right even if she was a problem child herself.
 

Wednesday, September 30, 2015 - 6:14 PM

Does this ever end? She's been a good girl all day long, sleeping or happily sucking on the pacifier while I worked. When she got fussy I loaded her into the front carrier and she snuggled into me and watched the birdie along with my clients.

How do women do this all by themselves? I'm exhausted. Dad makes jokes about having to get up every two hours to pee at night and I thought it was funny. I'm not laughing now, am I?

Dawn was fussy even after eating (drinking?) and I once again let her latch on to my breast buds. She seemed perfectly happy and so was I. In that euphoric state I turned to Google and with a one-handed, one-fingered approach Googled 'men breastfeeding.'

The results were ambiguous, but interesting. The best explanation I found was a You-Tube video by Simon Whistler that explained it all. (I have to caution you, though - I spent several hours watching his other videos while feeding my little princess. He's addicting.)

Naturally, with my shrink thinking I'm crazy and knowing it was at least theoretically possible, I called up my endocrinologist to talk to him. To further prove I'm crazy, I went on Amazon and looked at breast pumps. I sure didn't know there are breast pump bras available, but I should have one in two days, along with an electric breast pump. It may not work, but after all I've spent on Dawn a few more bucks won't kill me.
 

Friday, October 2, 2015 - 6:30 PM

I never thought I'd regret not having electrolysis done on my chest hair when I did my face. I don't have much chest hair, and with the hormones it's even lighter, but there is still some there. I figured that wearing falsies would cover it and why pay any more money? Then I became a mother.

The electric pumps and pumping bra arrived today, and it's got to be the weirdest bra I've ever seen. A fashion accessory it isn't, with two bottles hanging off your chest. It works by attaching two suction cups to your breasts and sucking, but those pesky hairs wouldn't let the suction cups seal. After some careful shaving (my leg razor worked fine) I looked like some weird robot wearing it, but I could feel the suction on my little A cups. I sure hope this works or I'm going to feel even more foolish than I feel now.
 

Saturday October 3, 2015

Talk about your very weird day! Didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but that's become the new normal. About 10 AM I was sitting in the living room with my new breast pump machine buzzing away and wearing my new pumping bra with the lovely plastic bottle accessories hanging off my nipples when I noticed some raised voices outside the window. I ignored them for a little while - moving with that rig attached is a pain - but eventually my curiosity got the better of me. Holding the pump in one hand and trying not to pull the cord out of the wall, I went to the window.

There on my lawn were three men in suits carrying picket signs. My first reaction was to grab my camera, such scenes are unusual and my instinct is to photograph the unusual. I realized I wasn't really dressed for the occasion, however, and the cord wouldn't reach into the front yard anyway.

You can tell from my reaction I was seriously lacking a good night's sleep, eh?

It took a while for one of them to turn their sign in my direction and I found out that these idiots were warning my neighbors a child molester lived here. I certainly recognized the lunatic from POCAP that tried to convince the judge I wasn't fit to be a parent at the hearing last week - some people just don't give up.

My neighbors had seen both John-Paul and Hope around the place while I had been living here and weren't overly enthusiastic or overly censorious about my lifestyle, but I'd never had a demonstration on my front lawn before, either.
Calling the cops seemed like it would just give those idiots the publicity they wanted (I hoped they weren't smart enough to alert the press!) so I took the time to cudgel my muddled brain into action before doing something I would regret. Eventually I realized I had a new friend in the police force.

"Hi Ursula, it’s Hope. I've got a problem."

"Don't we all? Personal or official?"

"I'm not sure…"

So I explained what was going on and Ursula laughed.

"What's that buzzing I hear?"

Oh shit - I mean darn! - the breast pump was still trying to get milk out of a stone. I shut it off.

"I'll explain some other time, it's complicated."

So I told her about my new lawn ornaments.

"That seems to be the story of your life. My advice would be to ignore them unless they cause a problem or block traffic. Don't give them the publicity they're seeking."

"That's kind of what I was thinking, but I needed advice from someone who knows about these things."

"It would be a good idea to talk to your neighbors, too."

"That ought to be interesting. I guess I really should formally introduce them to Hope."

"Call it your coming out. Maybe a nice cocktail dress and some tasteful pearls?"

"Hey - this is suburbia, a BBQ is more like it."

"Damn, I give you an excuse to get all dressed up and you aren't going to take it?"

"Maybe I should put on a cocktail dress and go offer my guests some canapés?"

"With those babies maybe one of Dawn's bottles would be more appropriate."

"Good thing I'm not breastfeeding yet or that could get a really strange."

"Too late for that, Hope. Good luck"

"Thanks, I'll need it."
 

I spent a couple of minutes making faces at Dawn, trying to figure out what to do, when the phone started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hi, uh, Hope. It's Bill Wilson from across the street. Have you noticed you have some overdressed squirrels on your front lawn?"

"I've just been consulting with my favorite exterminator, but she's stumped. I really don't want to give them any more publicity for their nonsense. I had enough of them in court the other day."

"Say what?"

"Have the neighborhood gossips noticed I now have a month-old daughter?"

"So that was you in the paper last week. I was wondering. You're taking care of the baby, then?"

"I'm adopting her if I can get through all the legal bullshit. Sorry, I have a baby now and I'm trying not to swear any more."

"Good luck with that!"

"I'll need it."

"Look, I really don't want the neighborhood invaded by intolerant meatballs like those guys. I have an idea that might help."

"I'm open to suggestions."

"Now my daughter Kathy is a cheerleader, she could round up a couple of friends and lead a few cheers from my activist days. I bet those buggers haven't got a sense of humor and some pretty girls shaking their pom-poms and making fun of them might convince them they aren't going to be taken seriously."

"You'd do that for us?"

"Sure! What are neighbors for but to help each other? Besides, I haven't been to a good demonstration since I was in school. Too busy working to be out protesting these days."

"You know, Bill? My first thought when I looked out the window was to get the camera and take some pictures. After all, I am a photographer. Nothing like some colorful young women to put some pizzazz in a picture. I just hope they'll hang around long enough for the cheerleaders to get here."

"Give us twenty minutes, most of the girls live nearby. And I want copies of those pictures!"

"You've got them!"
 

I was sure Bill didn't have the faintest inkling what cheerleaders meant to anyone transgendered, but I had to laugh long and hard at his suggestion. Back in high school I had dreamed of being a cheerleader, being able to wear little short skirts and bounce around chanting and swaying with the other girls. I had devoured online stories of boys who were miraculously transformed into beautiful, brilliant cheerleaders who captivated the entire school.

That was while I was still hiding a bra and panties at the back of my closet and terrified anyone would find them, but I still had my dreams! Now some real cheerleaders were about to go out and defend my right to be the woman I really was. Life sure had some strange twists.

I turned my easy chair around to face out the window and happily played This Little Piggy Goes To Market with Dawn while watching the squirrels on my front lawn. One by one three good-looking teenage girls arrived across the street, each wearing a backpack - such a normal sight that none of my protesters even noticed. A few minutes later, Bill opened the front door and set a boom box on a small table on his porch and a Sousa march blared out across the neighborhood. Just like at a football game the cheerleaders came running out the front door waving their pom-poms and doing cartwheels. They lined up across the street and started their first cheer:
 

Let me hear it loud and clear
Gender-phobes aren't welcome here
 

I have to confess I was a little bit jealous, but the contingent form POCAP stopped milling around and watched the far more colorful show across the street. C'mon now - how can a dull suit ever hope to compare to a cheerleading outfit on a enthusiastic teenage girl?
 

Hey hey! Ho Ho!
This gender crap has got to go
 

They followed that one up with a cute little dance routine, with plenty of cartwheels that showed off their colorful undies. Shameless!

I loved it!

The girls were really getting into the show when a car pulled up in front of the house. The car belonged to my parents, I assumed they had come for an unannounced grandchild cuddling session and instead found a demonstration. Mom got out of the car and immediately recognized the POCAP flake from court and her expression instantly hardened.

My Dad leaned back on the car with his arms crossed and an eager expression on his face. He knew that Mom was in full pit-bull lawyer mode and that the show was just beginning. Of course I was on the porch with the camera making sure the action was preserved for posterity.

Mom started firing questions at the squirrels demanding to know if they understood the law, the right of people to be secure in their own homes, the penalty for trespassing, the statutes concerning libel, and I don't know what all else. Having been on the receiving end of her tongue when discovered in childhood trespasses, I almost felt sorry for the squirrels.

Almost…

The cheering section came across the street and started dancing around the thoroughly confused protesters with a new chant.

 
Hope and Pride but never fear
We say LOVE is welcome here!
 

By now most of the neighbors had been attracted to the music and the cheering, so the girls had a good audience. With Dawn in my arms and the SLR around my neck, I watched from my porch, thoroughly proud of how my neighbors were reacting.

Well Mrs (and be damn sure it isn't Ms) Blake had a ferocious pickle face visible, but that was her normal expression. A thoroughly sour woman who actually did holler at kids to get off her lawn. Being only in her forties, I trembled to think what she would be like a senior citizen.

Bill and his wife across the street were beaming and Jenny Belknap brought the girls a six-pack of Pepsi, ostentatiously not offering any to the sign-wavers. They got the message and beat a hasty retreat to their van.

I came down off the porch, handed Dawn to my Dad and gave my mother an enthusiastic hug. As the neighbors came over I invited everyone to meet my daughter, my parents and me as well. We had an impromptu block party on my front lawn and I gave everyone a tour of the studio. It turned out to be a great way to meet the neighbors as Hope.
 

Monday, October 6, 2015

I was surprised when the doorbell rang as I hadn't any sessions booked after the recent craziness. I was a bit nervous, but was relieved to see Kathy standing outside the door and not a reporter or a protester. I opened the door and let her in with a smile.

"Hi Ms Waldrop. I just wanted to see if you and the baby were doing OK."

"We're doing fine. Come on in and you can see for yourself."

"Awww, she's so cute!"

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Could I?"

"Of course. I have to thank you and your friends for your help. I chuckled all afternoon once you had shown them what asses they were. It could have gotten ugly if it weren't for you."

"Hey, it was Dad's idea."

"But you and your friends ran with it."

"Our coach saw us on TV. She liked the cheers we came up with."

"So did I!"

We spent a very nice hour just chatting and cuddling Dawn. Kathy is a great kid.
 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015 - 9:00 AM

"Well, I must say this is a surprise, Hope"

"She was a bit of a surprise to me too, Doctor."

Time to fill in my endocrinologist on recent developments.

"I'm sure there's an interesting story behind it."

"So there is…"

I was getting very good at telling the story.

"So I wanted to ask you abut something I saw on the Internet."

"Lord preserve me from the Internet! I don't know why we doctors spend a decade of our lives learning about medicine when any fool can log on and cure themselves."

"Because you want to earn the big bucks?"

"That must be it. Can't think of any other reason."

"I know you'll think I'm crazy, but I wonder if I could eventually breastfeed Dawn."

"Not completely crazy, men do have milk glands but they don't do anything without the right hormones."

"Which is where you come in."

"Now this is one of the things we batted around as crazy interns, and of course there are always stories of men who have managed to produce milk, but I've never really investigated it in any detail."

"The net tells me that by pumping and with doses of progestin and domperidone it might be possible. Of course, there's a lot of bullshit on the net, too."

"Brings to mind the old chestnut about tits on a bull, doesn't it?"

"At least I don't have to worry abut testosterone with my testicles removed."

"And I'm still curious how you managed that, Hope."

"Money and a trip to another country. That's all I'm saying."

I went ahead and had my orchiectomy done when I got my grandparent's inheritance. Don't you just love that word? Makes it sound like I'm about to bloom like an orchid. Naturally my regular doctors were unhappy that I just went and did it without telling them. I had to promise to be a good girl from then on.

"As the golfers say about balls, we'll play that one as it lies."

"And I intend to get rid of my club when the bank account lets me."

"I'd say that's par for the course but it wouldn't be professional."

"And you don't want to putter around with my hormones."

"Seriously, not without a bit of research. You seem to be reacting favorably to the female hormones and I'd like to keep it that way."

"I would, too. And I'd like to be sure that nothing in my milk, if I have any, will hurt Dawn."

"Very good. Let me see what I can find and we'll take it from there."
 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Heard back from the endocrinologist this morning - good news and bad news. The bad news is that domperidone is out, seems the FDA doesn't like it. They tried it in Europe and it does help milk production but there was some indication it causes heart problems. No thanks, no matter how much I want to feed Dawn myself I'm not going to kill myself to do it.

The good news is he'll prescribe prolactin and we can see if anything happens. After all, normal women have it naturally so it shouldn't have too many bad side effects.

I'm still wearing that silly pump bra and letting my breasts get sucked whenever I can. I'm almost used to the feeling. Dawn seems to like me as much as her pacifier, she must be into natural foods.
 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

It feels strange to be somewhere without Dawn. I'm shooting a wedding today, so it just isn't practical to bring her with me. I could just hear it when the preacher says 'if anyone knows why these two people should not be married' and Dawn starts wailing and crying. Talk about your bad omens at a wedding.

I feel like a traitor abandoning my little girl, though. Sure, I know Ralph and Judy have raised three of their own, but I remember some of the shit my brother pulled on me and I get nervous.

If I didn't have a child to raise I might have blown off this wedding, I hate shooting a wedding where the bride or groom is covered with tattoos. In this one they both are, and the tattoo artist wasn't too good - not that I'd tell them that.
Brides are beautiful by definition despite their funky illustrations. Too bad she didn't go for long sleeves on the dress, and for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would want a gap-toothed pirate peeking out of their cleavage. If I ever get my own cleavage I'm not going to put cartoons on it!

Some weddings are like herding cats, especially the big ones where all the aunts and uncles and cousins have to be squeezed in the same picture. At least this one didn't have a bunch of little kids to try to slow down enough for a picture, but thinking of that made me miss Dawn. Not even three weeks and I'm hooked.

I stayed for an hour of candid shots after the traditional cake-stuffing, but left before too many drunks were in evidence. I figure the happy couple didn't need to be reminded of that part.

I arrived at my brother's house to find the big lunk making stupid faces and blowing raspberries at Dawn. The traitorous kid actually smiled at him. I may be the professional photographer in the family, but Judy was wearing out her cell phone taking pictures.

"I may have to give Mom a call, brother dear," I told my brother.

"How come?"

"I need to sue for alienation of affections."

"Her name's Dawn, not Sue. Go away for a few hours and you already forgot her name."

"Keep it up and I really will call Mother."

"I quiver with fear, little sister. Hey Dawn, can you feel me quivering with fear, sweetie?"

My brother started jiggling Dawn in his arms. The little two-timer liked it. So I hauled out my phone and called my mother on speakerphone.

"Mommy! I cried, "make Ralphie stop it!" I whined, laughing my fool head off.

"I go to all the trouble to convince a judge you're a big girl who can handle being a mother and now you want me to tell your nasty old big brother to stop whatever he's doing? What would Judge Mika say if he heard you now?"

"He'd throw my nasty big brother in jail and toss the key to a crocodile in the Nile."

"Ralph, your baby sister is acting like a baby. Stop teasing her."

"Awww Mom!"

"Be a good boy. By the way, just what were you doing to your whiny sister?"

"Playing with the cutest baby in the world."

"You have to give the baby back, Ralphie, after all the trouble I went through so Hope could keep her."

"Can I wait until the next time little Dawn poops. Then I'll be glad to return her."

"Timing is everything, son. I'll let you two settle this by yourselves."

"Now that I think of it, you could keep her overnight and I can sleep until morning for a change. She only gets up twice for feeding."

"Yawn! I'm exhausted! Sorry to rush you out the door, sis, but I need to get my beauty sleep."

"Haven't changed much, have you Ralphie? How do you put up with him, Judy?"

"He has his uses, and the baby seems to like him."

"That's me, constant as a rock in a storm."

"And those rocks are all in your head. Thanks for watching her, guys. I guess I'm going to have to find sitters for days like this when I can't have her with me."

"If you wait another five years, Charlie will be old enough."

"I think there's a slight flaw in that plan."

"No patience, eh?"

"I'll let you call my next wedding and explain they have to wait until Charlie grows up before they can get married."

"I suppose the party house won't take reservations that far in the future."

"Ah, you've found the flaw in the program! Any unemployed friends looking to be a nanny?"

"Not at the moment, but you never can tell with the economy in the shape it's in."

"Then I suppose we'll have to go home and amuse ourselves. Thanks again for watching my little love."

"Any time we aren't otherwise committed, Hope. I can remember how it was when Charlie was that age. I don't know how we made it through."

"I hope I'll last long enough to be able to forget. See you guys later."
 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

"So how is motherhood treating you, Hope?"

Emma is my psychiatrist, she's supposed to ask the difficult questions.

"Do they let zombies keep on being mothers? Sometimes I feel like I have about as much brain left as a zombie."

"Sleep deprivation is endemic to new mothers, babies eventually get to sleep through the night after a month or two."

"Do I have to sign something in blood to get that - maybe pledge my soul. Right now I would gladly trade my soul for a full night's sleep."

"You seem to have discovered the reality of being a woman is not all pretty dresses and romance."

"I wouldn't say discovered - I think I already knew that transitioning wouldn't cure all my problems, just give me different ones to cope with. On the whole, Dawn is the best thing to happen in my life. Knowing another life is wholly dependent on you is an awesome thing to face, but the rewards are just as great."

"As clear a definition of being a parent as any I've heard. No regrets?"

"None, although complaining about my lot in life is still satisfying at times. I can remember listening in to my mother and her friends exchanging horror stories about raising children - they seemed to enjoy topping each other's complaints."

"And do you have a circle of friends to complain to?"

"Not really, I've been too busy to sit around complaining. I still have to earn a living to keep the baby in formula. I start the foster training next week, so maybe I'll find a few new friends to kvetch to."

"Such sessions can be beneficial. And the rest of your life - any regrets now that you've gone full time?"

"None, other than wondering why I took so long to do it."

"Then go home and catch a nap before you retrieve the baby. Be sure to take some time for yourself when you can and I'll see you in two weeks.

"Thanks, Emma. It's good to have someone to talk to."
 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Another nice visit from Kathy. That girl is falling in love with my daughter, not that I can blame her. It sounds weird, but I almost thank those crazies for letting me get to know my neighbors. Kathy is a dynamo, the kind of girl I wished I could have been in high school. How I ached to be a cheerleader back then!

Well, if I couldn't be a cheerleader, being a mother is even better. Life is funny that way.
 

Thursday, October 15, 2015 - 7:00 PM

"Hi Ursula, it's Hope."

"And how's my favorite mommy?"

"Sleep deprived and jazzed up after shooting all day."

"Hope darling, please don't tell a police officer that you've been shooting anything!"

"Hey! You have your technical jargon, I have mine. If I had to say 'photograph' instead of 'shoot' fifty-seven times a day think of all the syllables I'd be wasting."

"And 'wasting' is another word you need to be careful using with a police officer."

"Picky, picky picky! I'm too tired to care."

"The life of a mother isn't all romance, is it?"

"Damned little romance from where I'm standing. I'm sitting, collapsed in a chair with nothing but a machine sucking on my tits."

"Kinky sex with your daughter watching?"

"If only… It may sound stupid but I'm hoping to stimulate enough milk to breastfeed. At least a little."

"Look Hope, not to get too personal, but with your, shall we say, genetic background, but how the hell can a former guy breastfeed?"

"With difficulty."

"OK, I deserved that. Could I have a little more detail?"

"Just go on the net and look it up. It's theoretically possible, so I talked my endocrinologist into prescribing so me some prolactin and I'm pumping the hell out of what breasts I have. I'll tell you in a week or two if it works."

"Sounds like I ought to alert the drug squad."

"I don't know what the street value is, but insurance doesn't cover it so I'm paying retail. Not the kind of drugs the neighborhood junkie stocks."

"Thank heavens for small favors."

"If you want a good laugh, go on Amazon and look for a 'breast pump bra.' Not something that Victoria's Secret is going to carry, but I have one."

"Seriously? They make a bra for breast pumping?

"That they do. Do you realize how stupid I feel with two bottles hanging off my proto-boobies. And I thought tassels were demeaning!"

"So how did your session go?"

"Quite well. I'm getting used to shoo - taking photographs with fourteen pounds of baby hanging on my chest. She's gained almost three pounds since I got her."

"Great. That puts her near the average weight for a girl. You must be doing something right."

"I suspect her bio-mom wasn't doing much for her and now she has someone to really take care of her she's thriving. At least the social worker thinks so."

"How much longer are you going to be able to take her to work with you?"

"I really don't know. She's been a darling so far, but she is growing up.

"I did talk to my niece Darcy and she might be interested."

"Then we should get together and see if it might work out. Have her give me a call, will you?"

"Sure thing."
 

Saturday, October 17, 2016

I suppose it had to happen sometime. The fairies came last night and stole away with my sweet daughter, leaving a little screaming bitch in her place. She was fussy and rocking didn't help. Then she started crying and wasn't hungry, didn't want the pacifier, didn't want me, didn't have a smelly diaper, she just wanted to cry.

I now know it's possible to feel helpless and sympathetic at the same time as you want to shake the kid and scream 'shut up!' In my sleep deprived state I can understand how shaken baby syndrome could happen.

She has a slight fever, but with all the crying I can't tell if she's flushed from being sick or just from screaming her fool head off. Sometimes motherhood sucks!

I was just about to call and cancel my session this afternoon when Ursula's niece Darcy saved the day. Instead of a nice, calm interview with her as a prospective nanny, she got thrown into the fire with the daemon child.

When she arrived at ten for the interview, Dawn was grumbling and whining in a half-sleep, exhausted from several crying jags. I don't think I looked much better, I had managed to get dressed but hadn't really brushed my hair or done anything with makeup. Not that I do much with makeup when I'm in my professional mode, but I do usually make some effort.

Professionalism be damned, the girl took one look at me and I was enveloped in a hug. A hug I really needed, it may be said.

"My aunt told me you needed a nanny. I can see you've both had a hard night, so let me take care of both of you for a little while. You look like you need a cup of coffee or seven."

"Oh god, you're hired!" was all I could say. "Come into the kitchen."

I keep the coffee makings together on the counter, so without any prompting she cheerfully ground the beans and charged the coffee maker and soon that comforting gurgle-drip sound was ringing through the kitchen as the aroma of salvation filled the air.

You might have guessed I like coffee by this point. You'd be wrong - I love coffee with a passion just short of my crabby daughter.

"Cream and sugar?"

"Please?"

"You got it. Have you eaten?"

"If you call half an untoasted English muffin eating."

"I'm not making that call! What do you want for breakfast and where do I find it?"

"There's oatmeal in the cupboard over the stove if it's not too much trouble."

"That's what I'm here for, Hope. Mom swears by oatmeal to keep you going all day."

"Too bad you can't put it in a bottle so we don't have to feed her every few hours."

"Give her a couple of months, even if it seems like a couple of years."

"You should get a job as a coach. Rah-rah-rah, go team!"

"Nah, I prefer babysitting. Play with them all day and let the parents have the night shift."

"Cynical for one so young, too."

"You want some apple and cinnamon in your oatmeal?"

"If you're willing."

"That's the way I like it."

"Make enough for yourself if you're hungry."

"Thanks, I will. Is Dawn usually this fussy?"

"Not really. Actually, it's the first time since I got her that she's really been unhappy."

"You must have won the baby lottery! I've sat for a few colicky babies and it isn't so much fun."

"I think she was just softening me up until the fostering was final and I couldn't give her back."

"Who's being cynical now? I'm sure she isn't really a scheming bitch at this tender age."

"Yeah, but it feels good to be able to bitch. I'll get over it when she smiles at me. She's starting to do that lately."

"Then she's past the 'lump of baby' stage. Mom got kinda pissed when I said that, but it surely applies at first."

"I got her at about one month, so I didn't have that to cope with."

"Lucky you!"

"Give me about three hours of sleep and I'll start to believe you. Ursula says you're the best, who am I to question? We can discuss pay and such when I'm coherent again."

"Suits me. I'm off today so you go and get some sleep and I'll watch Dawn."

"You're an angel. Feel free to poke around and find whatever you need, there's nothing that should embarrass you in the place."

"Not like that hasn't happened before, but I know how to keep my mouth shut."

"Now if only you can figure out how to keep her mouth shut!"

With exquisite timing, Dawn began to fuss, so we went to her crib and Darcy picked her up. The little traitor immediately quieted in Darcy's arms.

"I'll be awake by noon - I have a studio session at one. If anyone gets here early just pound on my door and let me know, then feed 'em tea of whatever until I can make myself presentable."
 

Those extra couple hours of sleep had me feeling almost human. I came into the kitchen to find Darcy singing softly to Dawn, who was resting in her baby seat with that wide-eyed expression that babies can do so well. Darcy had taken me at my word and had some soup and a sandwich waiting for lunch.

"Feeling better?" Darcy asked.

"Much better, thank you. I really appreciate your help."

"That's what I'm here for. I think I'm in love with your daughter."

"You'll have to stand in line, she has quite a covey of admirers - at least when she's smiling."

We finished eating just as the first of my afternoon subjects arrived, so I gave Darcy the five-cent tour of the studio as I set up for the shoot. Since Dawn was in a happy mood once again, Darcy held her and stayed in the background, watching how things went. Around four o'clock Dawn got hungry, so Darcy quietly left to attend to her charge and I continued my session.

Darcy and I hit it off immediately, she stayed for supper and we talked until late in the evening. Not only had I found a nanny, I had found a friend.
 

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Dawn is two months old today. She didn't get excited but Darcy and I did. Other than that, nothing much happened.
 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015 8:00 PM

I think I understand post-partum depression more these days. I had no idea that taking care of a baby was so demanding! Babysitting for a few hours is one thing, babysitting unendingly for days on end is quite another. Babysitting unendingly while working for a living is something I hadn't considered when I looked into that innocent face one month ago today and my heart melted.

Now my brain is melted, my feet hurt, my back aches, my breasts are tender, my bra is getting too small, my eyes are itching and I just finally got Dawn to sleep. So what did I do? Sleep?

Don't be silly! I put on that pumping bra and I feel like Bessie the Cow (or is that Elsie?) as the thing fruitlessly sucks at my nipples. Maybe I ought to wear the damned thing on Halloween as my costume, it should scare the crap out of anyone who sees it.

Right now I'd probably scare the crap out of anyone who sees me, milking machine or not. My hair's a mess, my makeup is smeared and I must look like some hag from a cheesy horror movie. You know what? I JUST PLAIN DON'T CARE!

The only good thing I can think of is Darcy. That girl has been a godsend, even if thinking of her is putting an end to a good sulk. She had to work at her real job today, which is why I feel so depleted and worn out. Even having her around for a few hours these last few days has made my life much easier.

Not only is she in love with Dawn, but she is truly interested in photography and picking up things at a remarkable pace. Yesterday she even figured out what was wrong with the lighting before I did and promptly fixed it. I think we have a bright future together.

OK, my sulk is over - I'm going to sleep.