A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 37

It seemed strange to wake up in a room with no windows, but it was probably fitting after a rather strange day that turned out nothing like I'd expected at the start of the day. Most days have a pattern that has some type of expectation built in. Yesterday just didn't fit into anything that had previously happened. One question kept buzzing through my mind, apart from Sam — wow, that was some other thing that was unexpected, was 'Why?' Why did I breakdown? What caused it to happen then, and what could I do about it so it didn't happen again.

I heard loud snoring and grinned. I'm still not sure how any of us actually managed to stay asleep with Anna snoring like she did, but I suppose after another few hours chatting with Sam we were all pretty tired. So far Sam's issue was something just for our year. Sam was certainly not ready for the rest of the school to know, but when Sam was, we would all be there giving our support.

Support! Support is one thing that this school gave which I'd forgotten about. It had become so second nature that I'd forgotten it was even there. I'd only had to tell Rachel that I was having issues and she would have chatted through things with me and probably reached the same conclusion as last night. There was no need for silly things like suicide. Why didn't I remember such things when needed? Heck, we'd all been there when Jessica had her breakdown, so why didn't I remember how it wasn't needed.

"Are you okay?" murmured Helen, lying in a sleeping bag next to me.

"Sure, just basking in the fact there is no alarm this morning."

I think I must have been jinxed, as a big yellow smiling face suddenly appeared on the big television followed by a very loud fanfare. The words "TIME TO GET UP" appeared below the face.

A shock like that wasn't what we wanted on a suicide watch. I quickly grabbed my PDA and started looking into what had happened. Others had already guessed, but I wanted proof. Matilda!

"Calm down," I said, jumping out of my sleeping bag. "It looks like Matilda made a slight typo and sent it to the wrong screen. I think it was meant for the year-B room. Our device names are almost identical."

I sent a quick message to the little munchkin, telling her what she'd done. I explained it really wasn't a good idea to send something like that during suicide watch happening and people were a bit jittery.

"Apart from the unexpected alarm call, how is everyone feeling?" I enquired. "Anybody feel suicidal?"

"I'm too tired to feel anything," moaned Susan.

"I suppose a night of the unexpected will do that," I laughed.

"What about you?" Melissa asked me, when everyone confirmed they were okay.

"I feel rather foolish about what happened yesterday. I'm not sure why I forgot to ask for help, though I'm sure I won't be allowed to forget it. Suicide is the furthest thought from my mind."

"It better be," growled Helen. "If you try again, I'll finish the job myself."

There was a stunned silence, until Helen started giggling. I knew, or hoped, that she was joking, but sometimes you can never be too sure.

"Let's break for showers and then meet back here. We have about forty-five minutes before breakfast. I think Helen and I are chilled enough not to need an escort for that."

"Thank goodness for that," said Jill with much feeling.

Our laughter was interrupted by a timid knock on the door, which we almost missed. Everyone glanced at me, the resident door knock interpreter. I didn't recognise it, so shrugged.

Ruth, who was the closest, opened the door. "It's Matilda and Mary Beth. Matilda wonders if she can come in and apologise."

"Let me go into the toilets," said Sam, making a hasty retreat. Jessica quickly followed, when her PDA gave a proximity warning.

"Come in," Ruth said, swinging open the door.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry if I upset anyone when I did that alarm clock," said Matilda.

There were many quick comments on how we forgave her, but to be careful in future.

"I'm glad you woke us up when you did," said Helen. "It means that I can get my back scrubbed for longer."

Matilda obviously understood what Helen was saying and looked down, rather embarrassed. I don't think Mary Beth understood, as she looked a bit perplexed.

"Matilda, you didn't do this on your own, did you?" I queried.

"What do you mean?"

"You are an expert in infiltrating systems, but not in coding. This required knowledge which you don't have."

"Yes, I did have someone else helping me this time, although I do have a few tricks up my sleeve. You'd be surprised by how much I know. Often I have to write programs to help keep hidden while ... er, exploring," she said, without giving away who had helped and I didn't ask. It was a good prank and I didn't want to spoil her enthusiasm.

At breakfast, most of the years looked very relaxed and content. Years A and B looked rather embarrassed, while year C was a mixture. Well most of year B looked embarrassed. Mary Beth must have found out what Helen had meant, as she and Matilda kept glancing at each other with silly grins.

After breakfast, we were met in the entrance lobby by Rachel and Julia. Julia looked rather reproachfully at me.

"I'm sorry, miss," I said, bowing my head.

"I'm disappointed in what you did, Jayne. I thought you knew better," said Julia.

That actually hurt the most. I respected Julia and thought very highly of her. To actually hear her say I disappointed her ripped my heart out. I felt the tears welling in my eyes. Julia didn't say anything else, but registered our travel PDA's to us and left with our standard ones.

"We have about a three hour journey to our first stop," said Rachel, as Helen and I buckled up in the back of the car. "If you need a comfort stop, then let me know. You should find a basket somewhere back there. In it are snacks and drinks to keep you going."

We'd just had a rather sizable breakfast, but Helen and I did what all teenagers would do, dove in to see what was there. Rachel laughed at the normality of the situation and slowly drove down the driveway.

"Why don't you do what you normally do when you infiltrate a system," said Helen to me.

"Huh?"

"What do you normally do if you do any hacking? I know if I pick a lock, I have to send a report."

"I send Julia a report, but I didn't hack. I used the extended privileges I have to fool the system," I explained.

"So, you got the system to do something that it wasn't meant to do? That sounds worthy of a report."

I hated doing reports, but knew Helen was right. It was much easier on a full-size keyboard, but at least these PDA's had a small keyboard. Helen put on a pair of headphones to listen to music from her PDA while I worked away. Finally, after many changes, I sent the report. I'd also added a recommendation that would stop someone trying what I'd done.

An hour later, I'd received nothing back from Julia apart from a read receipt, which arrived a few minutes after I'd sent the report. I began to feel that I'd let everyone down and that nobody would forgive me, especially Julia.

"I think this is a good place to stop," said Rachel, pulling into the services. "Why don't we say a fifteen minute break to go to the toilet and stretch your legs?"

"Yes, Rachel," Helen and I said simultaneously. I grinned at the absurdity of how happy that made me feel.

Wow, it seemed so strange. It was just Helen and me, alone, miles from school. When I'd gone to Scotland with Julia, I'd never left Julia's side. Yet today, less than a day after a suicide attempt, Rachel trusted us to behave.

Without cash to splurge at the service station shop, there wasn't much to do, so after visiting the toilets, we made our way back to the car. As we approached, we spotted that Rachel was on her phone, so we went back to the look at what CD's the shop had.

"This one looks good," said Helen, showing me The Scissor Sisters album. That was the problem with motorway service stations, they never had anything up-to-date

"It's on the school network," I said, having been surprised by the words of the songs. "I heard they are working on a new album due out next year."

As we were coming out of the shop, Rachel was just coming into the building. "I'll be with you in two minutes," she rushed quickly towards the ladies.

"I've not had a KFC in months," sighed Helen, looking longingly at the food stalls.

"I know what you mean. The food at the school is nice, but a take-away of fish and chips or pizza would be great every so often."

"Are you two okay?" said Rachel, rejoining us.

"School food is great, but how often do we get chance to just have a fun children's meal?" I asked, mirroring the thoughts we'd had.

"What do you mean?"

"A KFC or McDonalds, or even a pizza with lots of coke."

"Why would you want such food?" Rachel asked, sounding puzzled.

"It's just part of our childhood that we're missing out on, that we don't really have to. I'm not talking about every day, but as a treat that we can savour every so often. And I'm not talking about the kitchen staff making it, but actually getting some nice unhealthy food delivered in."

"Well I can't guarantee that we can in school, but we certainly can pig out at lunch if you want," smiled Rachel. "I can't remember eating out for ages."

"Rachel, don't you ever get a day off?" Helen asked, as we got into the car.

"Sometimes, it has been easier lately, with the American staff here to make sure there is enough cover. Apart for meals, do you see every member of the support staff every day?"

"No, I suppose we don't," agreed Helen.

"Is that why sometimes year five doesn't have someone at their table?" I said, thinking back. "I always assumed it was because they were busy elsewhere."

"The American's don't seem to have the problem as they have a bigger support staff. They have general councillors that deal with the ordinary as well as the psychiatric team. At Hayfield, there are ten students in year-one, and there is talk about taking ten or twelve next year. It might be time to hire an extra person."

"What about Mr Hobson. He always seems to be there."

"He lives at the school, so even if he has a day off, he will always try to be around for breakfast and the evening meal."

My PDA beeped with the arrival of a message. I looked and it was from Julia. She apologised for the length of time getting back to me and said that she'd implemented my well thought out suggestions. That cheered me up a little. Perhaps she wasn't ignoring me, after all.

"Do you mind if I have a small nap?" I asked. "Last night was tiring."

"I think I'll join you," said Helen.

The continuous drone of the car on the motorway soon sent me to sleep and the next thing I knew was when the car slowed as we got off the motorway.

"Are we nearly there?" I murmured, not wanting to wake Helen, who was still asleep.

"We will be in a few minutes. Can you gently wake Helen, so she has chance to come around?"

"Wake up, Helen," I gently rubbed my hand against her arm.

"Leave me a bit longer," she complained, half asleep.

"We are nearly there," I said, rubbing her leg this time. "I think we have a can of Dr Pepper in the bag."

"Okay," she grumbled, shifting position to stretch her legs.

"So where are we?" I asked, giving Helen a drink to suck on.

"You'll see," Rachel promised, turning through a set of gates into a driveway.

"This is a cemetery," said Helen, as the tombstones came into view.

"Correct," confirmed Rachel. "There is something here that I want you to see."

Rachel parked the car and took a potted plant from the boot of the car. We followed her to a specific grave. It was rather plain and just said "Jason Paul Bishop, died 23 July 2005"

"Who is Jason?" Helen asked.

"Jason was a transsexual and had transitioned to be Tina Francis Bishop. Let me tell you her story as I tidy up the grave a bit."

For the story, read: Denied

Helen and I listened as we helped Rachel with a bit of tidying.

"But that's so unfair," I sniffed. "How could Yvonne do that?"

"Do what?" said Rachel.

"The gravestone should say Tina Francis Bishop."

"When someone dies, the next of kin gets to decide these things," said Rachel sadly. "Since they weren't divorced, Yvonne got to make the choice she did. There was a lot of protest from the transgendered community, but Yvonne decided for the good of the children. It's a place where they can go to remember their father without their knowing the past. Tina gave up any say when she killed herself."

"The children didn't know?"

"No, as far as I know, they didn't."

"It seems a total waste," I said, in between blowing my nose. "The children lost a parent and Tina never became who she needed to be."

Rachel and Helen both gave me meaningful looks and I frowned. I'd got the point; they didn't have to rub it in.

"We have quite a drive to the next stop, so let's get going," said Rachel.

I glanced at the note, attached to the potted plant. It was addressed to Tina. Rachel had remembered Tina in the right way. I ran to catch up with them.

My PDA rang as we were stopped for something to eat, while heading for our next destination. We had eaten at a Burger King and I had to stop myself from picking it up with greasy fingers. After wiping my fingers, I saw Anna's name shown on the screen.

"Hi Anna, how's your course going?"

"Hey, it isn't too bad. We're getting some great tips and ideas, and we all thought we were okay. Heck, even Jessica is worrying less."

I laughed as I heard the protest in the background.

"It seems most of us had some mild stress in our lives due to the school work, but nothing that should cause any problems. Apparently a bit of stress isn't bad, unless it is ignored."

"Sounds like I'm missing out," I sighed. Seeing Tina's grave and hearing what had happened had left me rather spooked. At the moment, I'd rather have been anywhere than with Rachel. I couldn't imagine where we would be going next. Perhaps she would be showing me how the dinosaurs became extinct because they didn't talk to each other enough.

"I rang to see if things were okay. You sound a bit upset."

"I'll explain more tonight, but Rachel has just been showing us the consequences of last night's action. We've been to our first stop, and we've just had lunch while on our way to our final stop. We should be home late this evening."

"We asked if we could have you on tracker, but it got refused. Even Matilda said that she wouldn't help. She says she is under some sort of promise not to go near that system."

Interesting. First Julia seemed distracted, and then Matilda had to promise not to go near a part of the computer system. I wonder if something is happening.

"Well I can't tell you where we're going, as Rachel hasn't told us," I said, half trying to provoke Rachel. She just smiled and stole one of my chips. "I'll ring when we are on the way home and we know roughly when we will be back."

When we were back in the car, and again driving along the motorway, I asked Rachel, "Is something special happening?"

"What do you mean?" replied Rachel. Helen too looked enquiringly at me.

"First this morning Julia said she'd been rather busy, and it seems Matilda has had to promise to keep her fingers out of certain systems."

"And they think that will stop her?" Helen asked, sounding very surprised.

"From what I've heard, she keeps her promises," I responded.

"I've not heard that anything special is happening today," said Rachel, "but I'm not always told beforehand. I just have to make sure that everyone is okay afterwards."

"Why?"

"Remember when you went to get Jill and Anna? There were certain things you needed to get off your chest. The sight of armed police threatening to shoot someone, the fear of being in a house with an angry mob trying to burn it down. Those sights were not something you knew how to deal with."

"I suppose not," I admitted.

"How bad does it get?" Helen asked.

"If all goes to plan, it shouldn't get anything like as bad as Jayne experienced that day. However, the unexpected can happen."

The scenery flashed by as the car ate the miles. After a while, Helen and I glanced at each other. "We can't be, can we?" whispered Helen.

"It looks like it," I responded. "But why?"

"You'll see," said Rachel, obviously hearing our whispers.

"Do you think we can see our families, while we are here?" said Helen, excitedly.

I moved across one seat, so I was right next to Helen and took her hands into mine. "You know the rules," I sighed. "We can't see our families. What happened with Jessica was an emergency."

It seemed rather heartless of Rachel. She knew how it hurt Helen that she couldn't see her parents again, and being this close obviously built up hope.

"I know," sobbed Helen, leaning her head on my shoulder. "I know. I just had a moments relapse. I'll be okay."

"No, Helen. You were there for me yesterday. Let me be here for you today." I turned to Rachel and said, "I hope there is a good reason that you've bought us here today. You knew how upset Helen would be coming this close to home."

"We wouldn't have needed to come if you'd not attempted suicide, and yes, there is a good reason we are here today, as you will see in a few minutes."

When we turned into what was our destination my heart sank. Another cemetery. The last one had been quite traumatic enough. I had a sneaking suspicion why we were visiting this one. Yes, coming here today was my fault, but I'm sure this visit would have happened at some stage in my life, either at school or after I'd finished.

"Do you know where the grave is?" I asked.

"Of course," she said. "You don't think we'd have made this trip unless I was prepared."

We parked in a mostly deserted car park and followed Rachel, who expertly guided us. "Well, this has changed," she commented.

"Let me guess, you saw the grave while doing the background research before offering me the place."

Rachel just smiled. "It was a rather unvisited grave last time I came."

There were flowers and a little sign saying, "To the sister I only started to know. I wish I'd known you longer."

I started to cry when I read the sign. Obviously mum had started to deal with the death of her sibling, rather than ignore it. I wonder how much the rest of the family knew. I began to think about Mum's letter to me, the one that had been read out to everyone last night. To die such a horrible death. To slit ones wrists and die an agonising death isn't something a teenager should ever have thoughts about. How can people treat them so bad that it came to that? I still don't understand why I tried, but I know that I can't ever do it again. I can't, given Helen and all those that care about me. How much pain must Mum have felt when she discovered the body?

"Are you okay?" asked Helen, slipping her hand into mine.

"I don't want to end up like this," I said, trying to hold back the tears. "I don't want to cause others pain."

"What about your pain?"

"I don't know why I got like that. It was a sudden reaction to a temporary problem. After the Russia trip, I'll be back as David."

"You could be now if you wanted."

"No," I said violently shaking my head. "I made my choice for this trip. I'm not going to change." I stood there, facing the grave, Helen holding my hand. My thoughts wondering about the aunt I never knew, and the loving new family that I had. Suicide was no longer an option for me.

"Hello, Dr Ruiz," a familiar voice from behind me interrupted my thoughts. "What are you doing here?"

What is 'she' doing here? She should be at work. This is going to cause some issues. I wonder how Rachel is going to deal with this one?

I was faced away, but straightening up, I turned and smiled weakly at my Mum.