~o~O~o~
“I’m ba-ack!” Willow yelled after entering the front door to her home. The goodnight kiss from Bernard had been wonderful, but she found her mind unable to leave the steamy episode in his car.

“Welcome back, honey. How was it?” came Gwen’s voice over the intercom.

“It was great! Sooo much fun; the sunset was gorgeous.”

“I’ll be there after a while to get more details. Jax just pooped on our oriental rug, and I’m trying to get it up before it stains.” Willow sensed just a little irritation from the intercom; Angie’s new puppy was not housebroken, and not learning very well.

Angie walked into the front entry holding her puppy. “Hey Willow, how was the date?”

“Great! But hey, shouldn’t you be helping Momma clean up after Jax? You told her that you’d deal with any –“

“I tried but she shoo’d me away! She’s pretty upset about it so I didn’t argue with her. Jax is on really thin ice with Mom, and that means I am too. But enough about my errant pup. Let’s go to my room and talk about the date!”

~o~O~o~

“How romantic – you just sipped hot chocolate and watched the sunset? So sweet – but you guys were gone nearly 3 hours. Didn’t it get kind of boring?”

“Oh no. Umm … it wasn’t boring at all. Nope. Not at all.”

“I thought not! Okay, dish it sis. Tell me all the steamy details! You kissed at the park, right?”

“Well first I just sat next to him and snuggled. Then I looked up at him and he was looking back down, and getting closer. When our lips touched … ! I’ve had a first kiss as a boy before, but this one was waaay better.”

“Oh Willow, that’s so cool – I’m so happy for you.” Then Angie leaned close and whispered. “Did things get any hotter than just kissing?”

“Um, yeah … is it cool for sisters to talk about this stuff? I’m a little worried about what you’re going to think.”

“I guess it depends on how far you went, if you catch my drift. You didn’t have sex, did you?”

“No, we didn’t. We kept all of our clothes on.”

“There’s a lot you can do with clothes on. Speaking from experience.”

Willow tilted her head at her older sis. “Angie! You’re a virgin, right?”

“Yes ma’am, absolutely! But I’ve done heavy petting, if you catch my drift. So did you - ahem – stimulate his penis in any way?”

“Ang – I already said we kept our clothes on. His fly stayed zipped. I made no contact with his penis. No direct contact.”

Angie's eyes narrowed. “Indirect contact?”

“Um, kind of a lap dance. You’re not telling Momma any of this, right?”

“Nope. I’m Switzerland, remember? I stay out of any conflict between you and our parents. Now. Did you finish him off – make him come?”

“Angie! I’m done with this.”

“So you did, then. Otherwise you’d deny it.”

Willow groaned. “Okay, so we did some heavy petting. Some REALLY heavy petting. Do you think less of me now?”

Angie laughed. “Nope! I’m happy for you. And maybe a little jealous? I need a boyfriend again. Here comes Mom, by the way. Don’t tell her about the lap dance and it’ll be okay.”

“Thank you for the advice, Angie. I owe you.”

~o~O~o~

When I told Ang “I owe you one” I didn’t think she’d ask for the repayment so quickly, thought Willow. It was the morning after her date; she had just walked little Jax 1.5 miles to the North Montanas Veterinary Clinic to get some vaccinations. Angie was back home helping Momma “dog-proof” the house as much as possible with water-repelling sprays and such. The weather had warmed significantly; Willow got by fine with a thick maroon sweater and jeans.

She handed the puppy to the vet tech at the counter. He wore a UTEP (U. of Texas at El Paso) cap and a matching T-shirt under his long sleeved white clinician’s coat. His voice was so hoarse Willow wondered if he was ill with laryngitis. “No, this is just my normal sound,” he rasped. “I’ll have your dog done in 5 minutes.”

She sat in the waiting area reminiscing about last night’s date. Her heart was so full of good feelings: joy, excitement, fulfillment, a little lust and especially love. I’m in love, I’m sure of it. Oh, I’m crushing on him really hard; but underneath there’s a deep affection. Our long friendship gives us a solid foundation to build on. I wonder if we’ll get married someday. Then I’d be Willow Andujar. Bernard and Willow Andujar. That sounds so cool!

There was one more person she wanted to dish about her date with: Julia, her sponsor. However, she still had some writing and meditation to do before she made that phone call. Oh, and I need to make that amend to the English teacher I terrorized freshman year. Better get on that as soon as she gets out of school. Sponsors, parents, siblings, talking, honesty, apologies and affirmations – achieving a healthy relational and emotional life balance sure took a lot of work.

“Here he is,” announced the gravel-voiced tech. “Unless you’re going to breed him, you ought to think about getting him neutered soon. We do that here. Have a nice day.”

“Not yet, Jax, not yet,” Willow spoke in goo-goo language to the dog as they walked home. “Only one sex change at a time in this family, isn’t that right pup-pup?”

~o~O~o~

Hey Willow you there sweetie?

Hi Bernard!

Wanna go out tonight?

Sure! Let me ask permission but I’ll bet it’s ok. What do you want to do?

Let’s go out to eat. I have some cash on me. Do you like Denny’s?

Denny’s is great. Especially with U.

Got an idea I want 2 run by u.

Sure, what?

Tonight. Will discuss then

Can u give me a hint?

Um … no, want 2 tell u in person

Uh oh! Should I B worried? Bad news?

No. Good news. Hopefully to u it will B great news.

OMG now I will be useless until the date – can’t stop thinking about what this news will B!

Uh, sorry. I should have kept it to myself until tonight.

Let me ask Momma’s permission real quick. I’ve finished all my homework. And after Denny’s maybe we can have some dessert? Sweet kisses in ur car?

If I can have some of ur hot honey buns too

HOT HONEY BUNS IT IS, THEN! CAN’T WAIT!!! EEE!!!

~o~O~o~

Bernard and Willow slid into a booth at Denny’s that evening, Dec. 2. The sun was already down. The supper rush wasn’t too bad, so they didn’t have to wait to be seated. Scattered throughout the place was the eclectic mix of characters Denny’s was known for; a hardscrabble loner here and there, various couples (one inebriated from an early bar run), and a family or two.

“Thanks for letting me take you here, Willow. It’s not high class, but the food is good and the price is right.”

“Don’t worry Bernard; Denny’s or Starbucks, hoofing it or limousine – I’m flexible. But I’m also on the edge of my seat in anticipation. What’s this thing you want to talk about?”

He smiled and reached across the table to take her hands in his. “I’ve been thinking about our date at Overlook park.”

“Oh! Me too,” smiled Willow. “It was sooo much fun – romantic and hot!”

“Yes it definitely was. And I thought about the things you said, you know, about wanting a hotel room and a vag –“

“SHH! Babe – we’re in public! We need to watch what we say,” Willow scolded.

“Okay, sorry. But you remember that, right? And do you also remember what you accidentally said?

“I said I love you,” Willow blushed. “And you told me you loved me too. Do you still feel that way?”

“One hundred percent, baby. So I’ve been thinking … do you see a future with us being, like, living together permanently? Because I do, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since the date. I can’t work, I can’t sleep – all I do is think of you and me.”

“Oh Bernard, I’ve been dreaming about us and our future since our last kiss that night. I dream of us having our own home someday, raising some kids, going to sleep in your arms each night and waking up in them each morning.” She now dropped her volume to the barest whisper. “And wondering how it would be if we could do … you know … whenever we wanted to.”

Bernard whispered just as quietly. “Making love to you is almost all I can think about. Getting just a taste of you the other night; it’s driving me wild. I’ve got to have you, babe.”

“Um,” Willow mumbled. “Maybe we can go, like, a little further tonight? Would that help?”

“Baby – I need you. I need it all, all you have to give. But I know about all of the obstacles that we discussed – they’re still there. So, we need to talk about marriage.”

Willow’s head got light, and her goofy smile popped on her face. “You want to marry me? I know we’ve been talking around that word, but to hear it … so cool!”

“I need to marry you, Willow.”

Then the impossible happened. Bernard got out of his booth seat, pulled something out of his shirt pocket, and kneeled on one knee in front of his date. He held out now a ring of sorts, and said:

“Willow Ramos. Will you marry me?”

Willow was confused. This can’t be real; it’s a joke, surely. That ring, even – it looks like it’s plastic, and it has a gap in it. Yes, this is a huge prank. Okay.

“Where’d you get that toy?” she whispered with a smile.

“Out of the 25 cent vending machines at Wal-Mart. Best I could do at short notice.”

Other diners had taken notice of what Bern was doing, and were looking at Willow for a response.

“Oh my, sir,” Willow played along. “What a momentous occasion! Are you sure in your heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with little ol’ me?”

“Say yes!” urged one old man at the counter.

“Nothing would make me happier, baby. Please be my wife!” urged Bernard.

“Say yes, say yes, say yes,” some other diners chanted.

“Well, sir, seeing as you’ve acquired a five carat diamond, and have wined and dined me at this fine French restaurant –“

“French?” Bernard asked.

“French fries, French toast,” Willow winked. “Ahem, since you’ve been so romantic tonight, I have no choice but to say yes to your wonderfully generous proposal!”

“She said yes!” Bernard announced to the dining area.

“YAAY!” the audience responded, with clapping and whistles.

“Oh Willow, I love you so much. This is a dream come true!” said Bern as he hugged his date.

“You’re such a nut, Bern. This was fun!” she replied.

Bernard sat back down on his side of the booth. “Okay. So the next thing to do, since you’re only 15, is to get consent from your parents.”

“Consent for what?”

“For me to marry you, Willow.”

“Bernard – when I’m old enough to marry you, I won’t need their approval. I mean, I really want them to be happy for me when it happens, but the final decision will be mine.”

“Not while you’re younger than 17, baby. To get married now, legally we need their consent.”

“Who said anything about getting married now?”

“You did, Willow. I just proposed to you, and you said yes.”

“But that – that was just a prank. It was an act, right?”

Bernard didn’t reply right away; instead his face began to fill with hurt and confusion.

Willow’s chest became chilled as if she’d swallowed a whole slush drink at once. “Bern. My god. Tell me that you were just joking. There’s no way you were serious.”

“I’m as serious as a heart attack, babe.”

Willow’s heart was racing, and her world seemed shaky and unstable. She recognized fear was taking hold. Face it. “What – how – God, what’s happening? Why would you do this? What for?”

“Because I can’t stand to not have you, Willow. I want you, all the way. And I don’t want to wait 2 or more years. I’m so obsessed with you – you dominate my thoughts. I’ll only get relief if we can be together every day.”

“So … this is about sex??

“That’s part of it. But I’m ready to be married, to share our lives together.”

“And so you actually proposed to me at Denny’s with a vending machine ring.”

“Yes. Spontaneous. I’m following my heart.”

“I really need you to follow your head right now, Bern. You have to know this won’t work! For one, there’s no way Momma and Poppa will agree to it!”

“Well if they don’t, sue them for that emancipation of a minor thing.“

“So you want me to destroy my relationship with my family.”

“Right!” Bernard answered not having fully heard her question. “And then we can go before a JP and get hitched – and voila, we can love each other as fully and as often as we want!”

“Bernard. Where would we live?”

“You could move in with me and my folks. I could convince Mom to allow it, and dad spends most of his time working.”

“How would we earn a living?”

“Well, I could quit school – it’s my senior year and there’s not much left of it anyway. I think I can get a job at the auto shop near MLK Avenue and Decatur. We’ll find a way to survive.”

“And my medical treatments and therapy?”

“Huh … I haven’t thought about that yet … maybe Medicaid?”

“You’ve thought this through? You’re ready right now to commit to me for the rest of your life – a girl, who used to be a boy, who can’t give you natural children?”

“Babe – all of that stuff – can’t we just deal with those problems as they come up? We love each other, and that’s enough to make this work. I’ve found the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I don’t want to wait for that life to start. You … you haven’t changed your mind, have you? Are you saying ‘no’ now, after you said ‘yes’ earlier?”

“Not ‘no’ forever! Just ‘no’ for right now! Why can’t we just be like we are for a while?”

“Baby. I need to be married to you, now. Or as soon as possible. So I’m asking one more time: will you marry me?”

Willow’s eyes burst into tears. “No, Bernard. I can’t marry you now. I won’t do it! You’re not ready. I’m REALLY not ready. I want to date you, do fun things and make out because I really like you. And I love you too! But I’m not ready to commit to marriage yet. Not mentally or emotionally.” She furiously pulled napkins out of the table dispenser, as her eyes were leaking badly.

Bernard’s face looked hollow and limp. “This is my worst nightmare,” he whispered.

“You’re telling me!” Willow sobbed.

“I never dreamed you’d reject me like this. I – I may need some time to figure things out,” said Bernard in a continued whisper.

“Omigod. Bern. Are you … are you breaking up with me?”

“Willow. If I can’t have all of you, I don’t know if I can be around you. It’s … it’s too much. Too much pain. I don’t know. Does that sound like I’m breaking up with you?”

Willow’s crying got harder to control. “Y – yes … yes it does! … Now please … take me h-home.” She jumped out of the booth and ran outside to the car.

“Awww,” said the old man at the counter.

~o~O~o~

The next days were rough for Willow. The first day after the breakup it seemed she cried constantly. Her mother and sister took turns sitting with her, feeding her tissues. Eventually the tears became less frequent, but the anguish gave way to a cold emptiness of spirit; nothing gave her pleasure, nothing diverted her from the hopelessness she now had regarding her life and future. Intellectually she knew there could and would be other romances, but her heart couldn’t see past Bernard. She had not only lost a lover, but her long-time friend.

Julia was a huge help; she committed extra time and energy into helping Willow handle the broken emotions that surfaced. She also coordinated with Bernard to make sure he wouldn’t be attending the same NA meetings as Willow for the next few weeks at least.

Dr. Estrada prescribed an antidepressant, but cautioned that it might take a month or more to “kick in”. Gwen started to see her daughter have short-lived angry outbursts – always followed by apologies, but still unsettling nonetheless.

New Year’s Eve came. Willow prepared to go to bed early; having no boyfriend to kiss at midnight seemed way too depressing to be awake for. Angie was giving her sister a goodnight hug when Willow’s cell rang. The caller ID read “Bernard”. Angie grabbed the device.

“Willow’s phone – but this is Angela speaking. Hello Bernard.”

“Uh, hi Angie – is Willow there?”

“Why yes, she is. I’m glad I could answer your question. Have a good evening!”

“WAIT – wait! Can I talk to her?”

“I don’t see the rush, seeing as it ‘s taken you four days to make a phone call. Four days to work up the courage to apologize or make up, or maybe you had to figure out if you even wanted to make up?”

“Angie – you don’t know all sides of the story –“

“Your side isn’t too hard to figure out. You want full-on sex with my sister and when you can’t get it – when she refuses to marry you AT AGE 15 – you drop her like a hot potato! I’m sure by now you’ve found someone else who doesn’t mind spreading wide open for you whenever you get an itch.”

“Angie, OMG. Can I just talk to her, please? Please!”

Angie looked at her sister. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, “ she mouthed. Willow put her hand up to request the phone.

“Hey, Bern. It’s me.”

“Willow! Willow – I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not calling earlier; sorry for putting you on the spot there at Denny’s – sorry for the harebrained marriage idea. I’m sorry for making you feel that sex was the only thing I needed you for. I felt like your rejection of my proposal was a rejection of ME, so I thought it meant we had to break up.

“I told my sponsor what happened expecting sympathy, but instead he showed me how I had screwed up. I was a fool, Willow. I probably still am a fool; it worries me that I could be so lunk-headed and not see it. So I am probably not done doing stupid shit in my life. I vow to learn from that screw-up, though. I want to see you again. Is there any chance we could get back together?”

“Bern, I forgive you; thanks for apologizing. As far as getting back together: I prayed for you to ask me that for two days straight. But now – I think we need some time apart; I’m too emotionally raw to risk getting hurt again. If we’re meant to be, then you’ll wait for me to heal. Can we talk on the phone again in, say, 3-4 days from now?”

“Willow. Please. I need you.”

“3 to 4 days Bern. Okay?”

**sigh** - “Okay.”

~o~O~o~

January 3rd.

Angie and Willow were having some sister time together on one of the last days before Angies senior year classes resumed. They went to a movie matinee – the latest Lego animated feature (purposely avoiding weepy girls’ fare). Now they were browsing Megabooks, a chain store that dealt with all types of printed and electronic media. In the bean bag chair reading area, Angie perused a gossip mag while Willow read parts of a graphic novel. Then they decided to have a cup of java at one of the booths in the adjoining café.

Angie sipped her latte’ with a little relief – Willow was actually smiling some. It seemed her emotions were under better control; perhaps time does heal all wounds, Angela mused. Suddenly something at the barista counter caught her eye, and she froze at the sight.

Bernard was there, ordering two coffees – one for him and one for an impressive blonde girl at his side. They spoke to each other with smiles and a laugh. The order placed, the couple stood back awaiting their to-go cups.

Angie quickly pulled her eyes back to Willow and asked “so what was the graphic novel about?” Distract, distract! Don’t let her look over there –

It was too late. Willow stared numbly at the happy couple for a few seconds; then pulled her head down to stare at the table. Her body began to tremor just barely. “I want to go over there, to ask what the hell’s going on – but I can’t let him see me cry. Not over him,” she mumbled.

“I’ll go. I’ll give him a piece of my mind and a piece of my boot up his butt!” growled Angela.

“No, sis! Just … just let them leave.”

Both girls sat there silently sipping their drinks. It seemed like it took forever for Bernie and his date to get their order; finally they did, and walked out of the store. Angie waited for a few minutes before speaking. “They should be long gone now. Do you want to leave or do you need some more time?”

Before Willow could answer, a young man forcibly slid into her side of the booth, making her scoot to the wall. He had a buzz cut hairstyle, dark shades, and a sneering smile. He turned to face Willow. “Well, hello there sweets. Remember me?”

Angie, alarmed, kicked the intruder from under the table. “Hey! Beat it, buttface! Get away from my sister, whoever you are!”

“Rodrico Santos,” grumbled Willow. “That’s his name. And yes, he is a buttface.”

“Call me Rico, girl. And I’m a lucky dude. I was drinking my espresso when I spot you sitting over here. I remembered the last time I saw you – at the Java Casa with Bernard. You guys looked like a tight couple. Then I see Mr. B come and leave here with a new chica! So I’m assuming you got dumped, right?”

“Leave me alone, Rico.”

“Have no fear, girl. I got something here that’ll make you feel a lot better.” He produced a small packet of white powder from his pants pocket, and slid it in front of Willow. “Just snort or swallow,” he said.

In the next few seconds a million thoughts went through Willow’s mind.

What is that? Coke? It’d be nice to feel – NO! I’m not giving in to a chemical temptation! This f***** creep, I should scratch his eyes out!! – NO. No. I’m not giving in to anger either. Release the mad. Let it go. Let him be disgusting and a creep. Ask him to leave, and then Angie and I will go home. Crisis averted.

“Use it when you want, sweet ass,” Rico remarked. “You know I got more when you need it. Just call me. How ‘bout you, sister?”

“You better leave us alone, and now!” Angie barked.

“Suit yourself,” he shrugged . He started to leave the booth.

Let him leave. Let him leave. Wait, no. This asshole needs to get taken down a notch.

“Hey, sweetie. Don’t be in such a hurry to go.” The sultry words came from Willow.

Angie was shocked. Rico was surprised, but began to smile really wide.

“Come on. You like me, don’t you?” Willow cooed.

“I like your look, baby. I’d love it like crazy with a little more exposure, you know?”

“I’ll bet you’re packing a huge weapon behind that zipper, huh?”

“Too much for most chicks to handle, baby. You wanna try?”

“Let me tell you what I’m going to do to you – then we’ll see who can handle who.” Willow then leaned over to his ear and began to whisper. Rico’s eyes got wider and wider, and an obvious erection began in his pants.

The buzzhead suddenly stood up, exiting the booth and pulling Willow out so she stood with him. “Let’s go to my crib, babe. Let’s go now.”

Willow reached up to drape her arms around his neck as she snugged her front to his side, lifting up her right leg slightly to rub against his groin. “It’s so good to find a real stud, someone who doesn’t mind that I was born a man.”

“My truck’s outside, and – wait. What. WHAT?”

“Yeah. And I haven’t had surgery. You don’t mind dicks, do you?”

“What the ffff – who the HELL ARE YOU?”

“Why, I’m Willy. Willy Ramos. You know – the guy who ran the drugs op in Montclair High. You wanted to take my place? Wanted me as a – what did you call it – ‘second lieutenant’? I make a pretty good girl, don’t you think? Truth is, I’m just dressing like this until my parents kick me out. Then Willy the Dude is coming back, and I’ll put your second-rate op in the graveyard. Because you’re nothing. You got that? I’m the kingpin around these parts.”

Wait, what? Willow thought. Why did I talk like Willy was coming back??

Rico shook his head as if clearing cobwebs. “Wait – you can’t be Willy. I’ve seen him. You’re too curvy.”

Willow took her big jacket off and snuggled up again to Rico. She showed him the big, unique dragon tattoo on her left upper arm. “Remember this? Only Willy has this tat. You couldn’t see it at Java Casa ‘cause I had a jacket on. Convinced now?”

Rico shook Willow off of him in disgust. “You’re gonna regret this, Willy.” He then stomped out of the café.

Willow laughed out loud so Rico could hear her as he left. “Well, I’ll bet he learned his lesson, huh, Ang?” She then turned to see her sister.

Angela had wet eyes, and a hurt expression on her face. “We’re going home – NOW,” the older sister proclaimed. She got up and ran out of the shop to her car; Willow had to sprint to keep up.

~o~O~o~

To be continued tomorrow.

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